We're back at the tower. Needless to say, after being away for about a month, we have absolutely no good food left in the refrigerator, so the boys ran out together. I can just imagine them arguing throughout the entirety of the grocery store about what food to get, out of place, as we all usually are.
Out of place. It seems that we don't necessarily belong to one place. Wherever we go, we're never in the right place, being surrounded by other beings so incredibly antithetical to us. Where, exactly, do we fit in?
Well, as for right now, in the tower, just Starfire and me. She's watching cartoons on the television, elaborately sprawled out on the couch in our living room, head propped up by her hand. She seems unusually solemn, straight-faced and unreactive to the jokes on the TV. She's most likely tired. It's only been a day since we've been back, after all, so we're all likely jet lagged again.
I'm in the kitchen, boiling a kettle of water for some tea. It seems that my diet consists heavily of tea, like I'm some sort of leaf juice fetishist. However, with my eccentricity, that wouldn't be entirely out of the ordinary. I mean, weird junk happens. Two months ago, I was positive that I was straight, I was single, and had no interest in dating anyone. Now, I have a girlfriend, am positive that I could never be comfortable with a male, and I've already had sex with her.
Sometimes I stop and wonder if things are moving too quickly. Maybe it's mediocre teenaged romance, and I'm in way over my head with this girl, having only known about my feelings for her for about a month. Maybe I'm just deluded by the prospect of having someone protect me from my past to the point of blind attraction. I consider this, pouring boiling water into my mug on top of a tea bag, tugging at the string to infuse.
I've known Starfire for years. We've gradually built up trust for one another subconsciously, being that for my entire time living in this tower, she was the only one allowed in my room. Although I didn't particularly enjoy it, I'd always be ready to give her advice and explain earth customs to her, no matter how sexual or awkward they were, and she'd pay me back; whether it was her sickeningly sweet kindness or her protection over me in battle.
Was I just never aware that there was a different sort of tension between us? Looking back, it makes sense. I'd always hang out with the boys if it came to stuff like that. I just got along better with them. I never felt any sort of attraction to any of the three, and I'd stay clear of Starfire- unless she needed help, of course. But is that what all of the nervousness was when talking to her? Was it really a dormant attraction? Only realized when I'd admitted everything to myself? It all makes sense now.
But the question persists; is this too quick? I sit down at the kitchen table, sipping my tea as I look at her, observing her from the couch. From her angle, she can't tell I'm doing this. I'm getting sort of anxious thinking about this. Did I make any bad decisions? Am I going to regret all of this when I'm older, only to leave myself to cope with PTSD, rape, and losing her?
Her right foot dangles slightly off of the couch, moving in circles as she lays there in her boredom. Her beautiful red locks of hair cover the cushions in a silky carpet, outlining her svelte form, naturally drawing your eyes in to the curve of her back, expanding and retracting with her breathing.
This is the girl that has always been a reliable friend, teammate, partner- whatever you'd like to call it. Now she's my girlfriend, taking me through all of this mess, helping me just as much as I'd promised I'd help her, without even my expectation of her doing so. She's literally alleviated most of my PTSD. She has absolutely no idea what my past really like, in detail, and I don't know hers, but we're both understanding that something was fucked up, and our only determination is to make one another never worry.
Now, not only is this a strong romantic bond, but we're essentially dedicated to one another.
I don't have any regrets. Even if all of this wasn't deeply romantic, she's still Starfire, I'm still Raven, and being the people we are, abandoning each other would be equivalent to redoing both of our pasts and not being there to help each other through it.
I can't help but think of all that's happened to me. I would have never thought that such experiences could be so traumatizing. For months, I couldn't sleep without checking to make sure that every single entryway to the tower was locked at least three times. I couldn't sleep without being fully clothed and bundled in the covers, and no matter how hot I got, I would not take any clothing off, or any sheets. In fact, I couldn't look at my body unclothed without feeling completely repulsed, and I don't think that anyone ever noticed how deeply touching me affected my mind.
Any touch from anyone was like sparking the memories in my mind. They would joke, unaware that the reason I reacted so angry was because I'd been hurt like that. I was violated so severely that someone doing as much as tapping my shoulder would send me into a sheer panic, covered by my deadpan expression and voice. I understood that they wouldn't get why I was so incredibly insecure, but it still hurt me.
Beast Boy, of course, knew what had happened to me. In the hospital, I told him, and he swore on his life that he would tell nobody of it unless my life was in danger. He deserved to know why his own friend tried to kill herself. I wanted to make sure he knew it wasn't him, and that none of that was on his conscience, because he cared about me immeasurably. That's when I decided I wanted to live with everything I had left, to preserve his sanity, and everyone else's.
The suicide attempt was kept secret. The stress that would be triggered, had I needed to explain it to the others, was too much for me to bear at the moment. At that time, I wasn't even sure I'd make it. The internal damage was unanalyzed, but we knew that stuff was screwed up because of all of the pills. My blood was going insane with the amount of chemicals, my throat burned for weeks after the burning of vomit and pills I'd endured for days, even after my stomach was pumped. It's easier to think about it now that it's been a few months, but the imagery is still clear in my mind, as if I'm reliving the horror every day of my life.
"I heard you ate dinner all by yourself today, Rae. That's pretty great, eh?" He lies on a smaller bed beside mine, his voice soft and cautious. I feel incredibly weak. There are at least three bags of unidentifiable liquids hanging by an odd rolling fixture, all connected to tubes, connected to needles, connected to my arm. My mouth feels dry. My body feels extremely cold, despite the blankets, the coolness of the fluids from the bags mixing with the blood running through my veins.
"I'm proud of you. I know this isn't easy, Raven, but you are a strong girl. Stronger than anyone I've ever met." He talks to me, staring up at the ceiling. My brain takes awhile to register my his voice, process the sentences and understand the combinations of words, but when I do, it's powerful. It's like something so simplistic is crazy to me, the complexity of living being astonishing. My brain struggles to allow me to speak. I can think of words, sentences, conversations; but they only come out as chokes whimpers.
"I don't want anything more than for you to stay with us. Your friends- Victor, Richard, Koriand'r… We all love you more than anything." Tears start to form in my eyes, resting dangerously on the edge, threatening to spill. I turn my head to him and see that he's crying, too. It's hard to see your friend in this state. I'd barely survive seeing anyone I love like this, barely recognizable and fragile, catatonic on a hospital bed. He sniffles.
"Please, live with us. We can drink as much tea as you want. Every day. I can take you places, we can do things together, we can take this on together." I breathe shallowly, inhaling the scent of cleaning products and fresh plastic, my tears wetting the blankets under me.
"I know I might not ever understand how terrible things were for you, but I know that we're going to fix this. We can build you back. Brick by brick." I try to smile, painfully attempting to lift up one corner of my mouth. I can't really do that quite yet, but Beast Boy seems optimistic at my attempt, knowing that the stupor isn't keeping me from feeling emotion.
"We'll fix this."
The anxiety is overwhelming. I find myself with my cup of tea by the counter, digging through the cabinets of our tower's kitchen, probing for my bottle of anxiety pills. I haven't taken these in awhile. It causes me to panic.
I take the bottle, fumbling with the cap, and dump a handful onto my palm, eyeing them and grimacing as if I'm looking at pictures of a murder investigation.
What if I took all of these, right now? I could if I wanted to. If I wanted, I could throw these pills down my mouth, burning my throat like they did that one night. I could take everyone's pills again and not have to go through this PTSD anymore. I could take myself away from this cruel world and never look back again.
I look at these white beads, swimming over one another as my hand moves, looking intently at Starfire on the couch as I dump them back in, leaving only one. I put the cap back on the bottle, taking the one pill with my tea, an overwhelming feeling taking over me as I use my own control and put the rest of the pills back in the cabinet, closing the door.
"Hey, Starfire?" She looks up at me from the television, suddenly alert and excited at my voice.
"Yes, Girlfriend Raven?" She sits up, giving me her full, undivided attention.
"I need you to come with me somewhere," I deadpan.
"Ooh, like a date?" She claps her hands together excitedly. I lean up against the counter, setting my tea mug down and crossing my arms.
"No, Star." She becomes suddenly serious, more than I've ever seen her, and probably slightly shocked.
"Where, then? I would be happy to take you anywhere."
..."We'll fix this."
"The Jump City Prison."
She nods, and I bite my lip.
