Waking up, Kerry realised what she felt. It was anger.
The day before she had been left feeling confused, weak and desirous. But that was gone now, replaced by cold-headed bitterness. How dare Kim walk into her life again, after so many years, and proceed to mess-up everything Kerry has spent years building. If she was honest with herself, it was possible that Kerry had led Kim on in the living-room, but that was understandable. They were alone. They hadn't shared the realities of their current lives. Why would Kim choose to impose herself on Kerry, sexually, romantically, when she realised that Kerry was now a mother, a woman with a family to look after and commit to? Kerry had chased Kim in the past, but had begrudgingly accepted Kim's defiance when she realised that a relationship wasn't going to happen. Surely Kim should also respect Kerry's situation?
The kiss had caused her to collapse. It brought such a rush of memories and feelings to her. Their first date. Their first kiss. Their every kiss, in fact. The feel of Kim's body. She felt guilty, dirty, as though she was cheating. And it was so much worse, because she wanted to experience it again.
When she finally raised herself from the floor, she gave Henry the attention he deserved before going downstairs to collect her work. She thought that figures and facts would be her only refuge, a sanitised world devoid of emotion. She hadn't been expecting Kim's last cruel joke. A note, addressed to her, left on the coffee table. A scrawled address, that was all. Nothing to give a sign of how Kim felt. No 'I'd love to meet the family', or 'In case you change your mind'. Kerry couldn't even be sure if Kim had written it before or after the kiss, in which case there was every possibility that the invitation had been withdrawn already. After all, the kiss had been accompanied by what seemed like a final 'goodbye'. Now the terms of that goodbye seemed shaky and Kerry wasn't sure what Kim intended by it.
The rest of the afternoon she'd been unable to work. She couldn't concentrate on anything but the voices screaming within her head: yearning; accusing; mournful; guilty. Even the handwriting on the note pulled at her heart strings. She tore it up, but only after repeated study. Eventually, her mind succumbed to a numbness and she shut herself away with Henry, trying to convince herself that this was the only life she could want.
Of course she wasn't very receptive to poor Sandy. She could see that Sandy was surprised by her behaviour, but much as she tried she just couldn't convince Sandy that everything was alright. This shocked Kerry; she always thought she was pretty good at hiding her feelings around others.
When she woke-up Sandy had already left for work, taking Henry with her to drop him off at the new nanny's. Alone, without the guilt of Henry's presence, Kerry was able to fully consider the implications of the day before. That was when she realised that what she was now feeling was anger. Kim's behaviour had been inappropriate. To kiss her with Henry right there! Surely Kim, within her professional capacity, was used to telling people that their whole lives were affected by repressed childhood memories. Henry was young, yes, but he was clearly responsive to the feelings of Kerry and Sandy. Kerry always thought he seemed a little bit more quiet and well-behaved when she was feeling grouchy herself, ridiculous as it might seem to people who had no close connection with him. Anyway, even if he was totally oblivious, it still wasn't fair to Kerry. Kim had a habit of forcing unwelcome kisses on people, but this one was completely unjustified.
Kerry was angry too, at Kim's evasiveness during their discussion. She had been open about her feelings for Kerry, but only insofar as to make Kerry confused without offering any suggestions as to how they could proceed. She'd shared the fact that she was ill, but seemed not to want to talk in detail about it. And when Kerry, rightfully, was curious about where Kim would be working, Kim had seemed incredibly reluctant to talk. That wasn't fair. There would be huge ramifications if Kim returned to County, and Kerry should surely get to put forward her case before any decision was made.
All in all, it seemed like Kim had deliberately confused matters. She had pretended that she was being kind to Kerry, by including her, keeping her informed. She had done this, though, without sharing any useful information. In addition, she had said goodbye, without telling Kerry what that parting really meant. If she was going to be a regular patient at the hospital, or worse, if she was to return to her old job, then that goodbye wouldn't be good enough. Kim might now have her closure, Kerry thought, but she's cracked open my comfortable world without showing me how to mend it again.
On the way into work, Kerry realised that she would have to contact Kim. It was the only way to ensure that she could get on with her life. Kim had appeared, and ever since, Kerry had been acting irrationally and irresponsibly. Her relationship with Sandy had been affected, and Kerry certainly didn't like keeping secrets. One final secret move would allow her to move on though. If she could confront Kim, explain her own actions, insist that nothing more could happen between them and agree to the boundaries of any future friendship or professional relationship, then surely she would stop feeling so confused and guilty. Once she understood how she felt about Kim, then she would be able to talk to Sandy about Kim's return without worrying that she would give herself away. That was silly. There was nothing to give away, was there? Well there certainly wouldn't be once she'd talked to Kim and avowed her own unavailability.
On arriving at work, Kerry discovered a frantic ER. The collapse of some rafters at a local Church had led to the entire congregation being brought in. Few were hurt, but they wanted to hear the sermon together, and support those with cuts and bruises. A school hockey match had led to a huge scuffle and all the players were complaining of various injuries, in the hope that they themselves would be excused. And a family of ten had been brought in with food poisoning, after a birthday celebration.
Kerry was kept busy for a good few hours, during which time she didn't think once of Kim or Sandy.
After a particularly messy incident with one of the food poison victims, Kerry retired to the lounge to grab a pair of scrubs. Her intent was to change quickly and return to the havoc outside. Entering the room, she discovered Luka at his locker.
"Hello Kerry"
"I'm just changing. Third time today. I forget how many washes I end-up doing when I'm working in the ER".
Luka smiled, "The water bill is worth it. I always know it will be a better day when you're on active duty". There was a pause, during which Luka tentatively took a step towards the messy doctor, "Er, Kerry?"
"Yes?" Something in Luka's tone suggested that the conversation would be a sensitive one. Kerry looked up, startled.
"I...ran into Doctor Legaspi recently". Kerry looked frowningly at Luka, wondering in what circumstances this meeting took place. "Well, she actually came down, to visit. She said she was, er, looking for you. Did she...find you?"
Kerry cleared her throat. She wasn't sure what she could tell Luka that would be an acceptable response. Eventually she opted for a taut "thank you for telling me", her voice coming out squeaky and strained.
"She mentioned, that she might be looking for work, perhaps". Luka understood instinctively that this was a difficult conversation for Kerry, but he felt that she needed to be informed. Kerry wasn't somebody with many friends at work, so he felt an additional duty to look out for her when he could. Now, he spoke haltingly, but gently, allowing Kerry time to take in the information.
"Oh".
Luka could see that Kerry wasn't in the mood for a long conversation. He'd imparted all of his knowledge to her and thought it best now to give her some time to compose herself.
"Well I'd better get back to work" Luka headed towards the door, but at the last moment turned around and faced Kerry again, "She seemed well, Kerry. It's been a long time. I don't think she bears you any ill feeling". With that he turned and left the room.
"No ill feeling" Kerry muttered quietly to herself. That may be true, but then the effects of her visit had hardly been harmless. And now to find out that Kim had been among her colleagues and subordinates, asking for Kerry. That would only lead to gossip. Kerry pursed her lips. This sorted it. She would have to find Kim, and talk to her. She would have to explain why the kiss was wrong, why it wouldn't happen again and why Kim taking a job at County would be a very bad decision.
Kim's address was etched into her mind. She quickly changed out of her new scrubs, and into her personal clothes. Then passing by triage, she bumped into Luka. "You can manage things by yourself for a few hours, can't you?" she barked, walking straight past him. She couldn't afford to be kept back, and escaping from the ER was hard at the best of times.
"Kerry?" Luka called after her, but it was too late. She'd exited into the cold winter sunshine.
