I finally managed to write another chapter... apologies for the delay, as usual. Thanks to everyone who read, reviewed, favorited and followed this story.
Chapter 12: Aftermath
'Confused' doesn't even begin to cover how I feel when I slowly surface from sleep in the morning. There is someone touching me, their arm draped lightly over mine. Alarm bells ring in my head past the strange comfort the touch provides, and my eyes fly open, only to latch onto the other person in my bed.
Oh. Tris.
It takes one look at her face for all the events of last night to come rushing back to me. And once again, it's all so overwhelming that the room feels like it's spinning around me. Tris is from the future. She knows everything about me. The Erudite attack on the Abnegation is going to take place within days. My mother could rise to be a dictator as bad as Jeanine. All of us are just parts of an experiment. God, it's so much to believe. Too much.
As a means to hold on to my sanity, my gaze automatically finds Tris, as if she is the only thing that matters in the world. She lays on her side, facing me, her breathing deep and slow. She looks so innocent, strands of her hair falling into her face. She is still in her shirt and hooded jacket which she wore last night. Looking at her, it is difficult to believe that she is not just an innocent sixteen year old, that she has been through so much and carries so much pressure upon her. She looks so peaceful. I wonder what it might feel like, to know exactly what lies in store for you, and that every little deviation in your actions can lead to so much change in the chain of events. It's a hard feat to imagine. It must be so much harder for her to go through.
Would I have liked Tris if she hadn't shone in her skills, selflessness and bravery because she held the knowledge of the future and the experience of her past? It takes not even a second's thought for my heart to confirm that I would have, even if she hadn't told me that I liked her in her past life. Something tells me that the greater her unassuming cover, the more I would have been drawn to her, intrigued by her quiet bravery and innate stubbornness. Her being the unsolvable puzzle this time just brought the appeal in a different way.
Gently lifting her hand from my arm and moving it away, I shift away from her to get off the bed. Tris shifts a little but does not wake. I brush my teeth and take a quick shower. Tris is still asleep when I step out, dry but yet to wear my shirt. With a sigh, I stride over to the kitchen space, planting my hands on the kitchen counter, my head lowered in thought. My mind mulls over the mistakes I have made in Tris' life. It is still difficult putting the thought the right way, if it is possible at all — because I didn't commit those follies, at least not yet, but Tobias Eaton did, as far as Tris' account is concerned. Even though Tris didn't dwell on it, I could guess that we had not been on very good terms for a long time after the attack on Abnegation — I can guess it by the lack of my presence by her side in her tough times, though why it should happen, I have no idea . Then I made a mistake in trusting my mother. I finally let myself turn into the pawn I never wanted to be. And the biggest of it all — I let Tris die. I know I wasn't there to protect her when she went to the lab; I should have been. All these events show that I didn't quite get to know what the real Tris was; I misjudged her plans and actions. Standing here making a checklist of my faults is painful; it makes me feel so much heavier than how my frame really is.
Two thin arms wrap around my torso, the palms gently pressing against my abdomen. Instinctively, I stiffen, the first thing the foreign touch reminding me of being Marcus, but then I realize that it's Tris. I let myself relax.
"Morning," I murmur, reaching out to lightly touch her hands where they rest on my skin. "Sleep well?"
"Better than many nights," Tris replies."How about you?"
"Really well, surprisingly," I say, surprise dawning with the realization, "seeing as I am not used to sharing a bed with anyone." I try to think back and remember if I had some nightmare, but all I come up with are frail memories of light touches and the feeling of soft lips on my cheek. It unexpectedly makes me wants to smile, the realization that I have never actually slept so well as I did with Tris only just setting in.
Tris hums against my body, her soft voice sending vibrations down my back, before pulling back. We stare at each other for a moment, myself acutely aware of the closeness between us. Her eyes skim over my exposed chest, and suddenly, I feel uncomfortable, ashamed of my scars more than ever. I know that she must have seen me shirtless before (and I try not to think of the possibility of her having seen me in a state of further undress), what with her detailed knowledge of my tattoos, but now, with her so close, I can't help feel shy. I walk away from her to grab a T-shirt and pull it over me.
"I know that you must have seen me shirtless before," I explain sheepishly, feeling the warmth on my cheeks, "but I don't usually invite many people to look at me, any person, actually."
"It's okay, I understand," Tris says with a genuine smile. "But, well... you have no reason to. I mean, look at you."
The thrill of pleasure that her comment sends through me is undeniable, my heart leaping at the fact that she finds me desirable, but I wave her comment off. If only she knew... oh well, she does know, I remind myself. It is really astounding that even after discovering all my broken pieces, she still loves me. I wonder how far into a relationship Tris had gone with me her first time around, to have me give up all of my secrets. How much had we been through together? When had we started dating? Before initiation, like this time, or had my self-control lasted long enough? These are trivial details, irrelevant in the bigger picture, and yet I can't help my curiosity over it, still having a tough time dealing with the story Tris told me last night.
"What are you thinking?" Tris' voice breaks me out of my musings. I look at her.
"About last night," I say. "I got food for thought for a lifetime."
She nods, her expression empathetic. "I have a question for you."
I raise an eyebrow at her curiously. "I thought I was supposed to be the one asking the questions," I say, half-teasing.
"I think I have given enough answers to deserve at least one," Tris says with a small smile.
Fair enough. I shrug. "Go on."
"How much had you figured about me, before last night? I have been dying to know, but I couldn't ask. Since when had you been suspecting?"
I almost smile at her curiosity, and more so because I would have asked the same question had I been in her place.
"Quite some time, actually," I say, remembering all the questions that have plagued me ever since I met her for the first time. I tell her about her unexpected excellence in the physical tests and her appearance of ease in Dauntless — it was even easier for me to spot out the discrepancies in her behavior because I myself came from Abnegation.
"Then Zeke told me that you had boarded and got off the train perfectly too," I continue. "His brother was in awe of you." I am not even aware of the scowl that makes its way into my face, giving image towards my possessiveness for Tris, until she comments on it.
"Tobias, there's no need to be jealous of Uriah, he's like a brother to me." She looks amused.
"Who said I was jealous?" I scoff, knowing it to be only half a lie. Tris chuckles, shaking her head, seeing right through me.
"Okay, then, tell me more," she requests.
"Then that night when I found you crying by the Chasm, you said my name in your sleep while I was taking you to the dormitory." I vividly remember the night, the first time I was properly aware of my feelings for her, though in denial. Tris blushes bright red. Recalling that night reignites my curiosity, causing me to ask the question which was never answered, not even by Tris' explanation last night. "Why were you crying? You never told me."
Tris sighs, all amusement leaving her face. "I had a nightmare," she says quietly. "I don't know if it was just my imagination or the truth... but I saw how things were with you after I died. I saw how it was after you came back from Chicago to the Bureau... and found out what happened. And I felt what you felt."
Tris' confession leaves me in shock. Never in my wildest dreams could I have guessed that the cause of Tris' misery, her tears, was me, my grief. As much as I try, I can't put a name to the emotions I feel. It is bad enough for me to suffer after her death, but it is so much worse for her to have to experience the aftermath of her death.
"How bad?" I ask her quietly, remembering her heartbreaking sobs.
"Was my reaction not enough to tell you that?" Tris whispers, the hush between us enveloping us in our own little bubble, keeping out all other concerns. Yes, her reaction was enough, more than enough;, it tells me that and another thing — it tells me that I can't possibly go through the pain of anything happening to Tris, and that I can't allow her to suffer as she did that night. We need to survive, both of us; we need to be there for each other. And the biggest thing that it tells me is that I can't let Tris die. I can't. No way.
Tris shifts closer to me so that I can the heat from her body; I reach out and let my thumb graze her palm in a slow, repetitive motion, as a small attempt at offering both of us comfort.
"Go on, please," she begs, and I oblige; talking relieves us of the painful thoughts.
"At first I thought that it might be that it was some other Tobias you were talking in your sleep about, but I think we both know that you slipped up a fair few times since then." I can't help the small smile which lifts my lips; once I had only been scared and bewildered by the fact that she might know my name, but now it only delights me, knowing that it was me, me all along.
"Yes," Tris mumbles, looking a little flustered. "It was hard... I had gotten used to calling you by your real name."
My smile grows steadily on my face at her admission, part of me suddenly aching to hear her say my name without circumstances blocking us — without her slipping or me snapping at her. I give in. "Say it."
Tris looks at me. "What?"
"Say my name," I request.
"Tobias," she says, each syllable leaving her lips with a honey-sweet drawl, never sounding so wonderful on any other set. Perhaps because it is a rare occasion where my name actually holds some affection, where it is not being shouted out or growled with anger and accusation. Or maybe because it's Tris. I immediately decide that I can't get enough of it.
"Once more?" I plead, the smile stuck on my lips.
"Tobias." Tris' smile grows. "Tobias, I love you."
Her words take my breath away. I'd always considered romance overrated, especially with the open display that we get in Dauntless clashing intensely with my Abnegation lessons, but now I understand exactly what people talked about when they went on and on about someone saying 'I love you' to them.
My gaze lowers to the floor as heat rushes to my face, concentrating on my cheeks. I automatically reach for her hand, brushing my lips against her soft skin. "I could get used to this," I murmur. This is insane, what three little words can do to me. Not many people have said this to me, and certainly never the right one, before this. With Tris, her words feel honest; they make me feel loved. Wanted.
We sit in companionable silence for a while as I wait for my racing heartbeat to steady and for my crazy emotions to cool off.
"You did well at hiding the truth about yourself," I continue once I am sure that my voice is absolutely normal and not clogged with emotions. "But you slipped a few times. You were too comfortable with the Dauntless and their customs, more than any Stiff could be. You were too good with the violence. And you gave vague answers anytime I asked you."
"Sounds a lot like you yourself," remarks Tris, a grin blooming on her face.
"Maybe." I laugh, realizing how true her observation is. We really are similar. "But I am glad you told me the truth." I don't know how much longer I would have been able to go on with our relationship with our secrets separating us, with my constant questions and guesses.
"Me too," Tris says. "I am sorry I didn't tell you earlier." She looks down with a sigh. "We need to plan. We don't have much time."
I nod. There is so much trouble ahead, the entire scheme of the Erudite for us to defeat, only to begin with. If we fail, I now know exactly how bad things will be. I open my mouth to speak, but then Tris' stomach rumbles. Her face flames up immediately, her gaze dropping to the floor with mortification.
"It seems that breakfast is the need of the hour, though," I say, laughing at her adorably red face. "You can use my shower if you want," I offer. "I'll leave before you; we shouldn't be seen together."
Tris nods gratefully. "Thanks."
I watch her peel off her jacket, the tattoo of the three ravens prominent against her collarbone, as I pick up my hair trimmer. My Abnegation trimmer which I had once smashed against the wall of this very room had only one blade, to cut the hair to only one length — close cropped, as was required by that faction. The Dauntless trimmer provides several options. Over these years, I've let my hair grow out a little, letting it develop dark curls over my head, but today, perhaps because of Tris revealing her knowledge about me, I find myself switching to the blade which would cut my hair short, Abnegation short. The fact that she knows who I am still loves and accepts me for that suddenly makes me unafraid, eager to show a little of my true self to my faction.
"Tobias." Tris' anxious voice snaps me to attention. I turn to find her face awash with horror, her teeth worrying at her lower lip.
"What is it?" I ask her anxiously, surprised at this sudden change in her mood.
"Cameras," she whispers, looking terrified. "There aren't any cameras in your room?"
"No, there aren't," I say slowly, thinking carefully to ensure that my answer is right. "I told the authorities very specifically that I would not permit cameras in my apartment." I can't see where this is going. Even if there were cameras, the only people who might hear us now would be few in number, and I know that no one is interested in what happens around a member, really. "Why?"
"David." That one word is enough to make me understand. I find my horror mounting to equal Tris' expression. If David were to have witnessed everything Tris told me... the damage would be irreparable. We would lose everything. But there aren't any cameras here... or am I wrong? Could they be hidden somewhere? Suddenly I am not so sure.
"We should look," Tris says, echoing my thoughts. "Just in case."
I nod quickly, and we hurry to scan every inch of the room. Some other time, I couldn't even imagine letting someone pilfer through my things, but at the moment I couldn't care less. Please let me be right. No cameras, please. I don't want to think of the consequences if I am wrong.
Finally, after what feels like ages, Tris and I finish my search. There are no cameras in the room. I sag against the wall, relief washing the tension away. Tris' expression reflects my feelings.
"Let's go to breakfast, then," I say to Tris; our search took away the time for her to shower and for me to shave. I hope she can freshen up sometime in her dorm later. "Come here after today's simulations, then we can talk."
Tris agrees, and with this promise, we part ways.
-o0o-
With Tris' departure, all the information she had supplied to me suddenly seems to appear out of a book. Not that it's not believable; in fact, parts of it are terrifyingly so, but the whole job of keeping everything in mind feels much more difficult. After all, all I have just heard was a narration, that too short and somewhat vague in places. One cannot blame me for taking my time sifting through it. The credibility to a tale is always proportional to the amount of details it has, and while I believe everything Tris said, my brain keeps trying to anchor itself to the reality that we had been taught ever since we began thinking instead of the one I have just heard, which practically turns everything I have known upside down. I just wish I had more proof, more details. Tris is the only proof I have, and with her gone, everything she told me takes a dreamlike quality.
I am so lost in my thoughts that I end up bumping with several people, many of whom are not amused in the least, so I pull my thoughts to narrower realms and quickly snag a table for breakfast.
Tris' fear today is a repetition of her third fear — her fear of failing, and this time, instead of letting myself get lost in the pain and helplessness of not being able to help her, I use each image as a little anchor to bind me tighter to the story I have heard.
He was under the sim. I killed him. God, Tobias, I killed my own friend! Will stares blankly at Tris, gun pointed at her. Tris shoots. Christina screams accusations at her.
My father...died in the way, trying to save me. Andrew Prior walks into the flames, blaming his daughter for her choices.
My mother came just in time to save me, but... but she got shot. Natalie's body crumples to the ground, riddled with bullets.
Marlene and Hector were under simulation, along with another young girl. I saved Hector and Christina caught the girl before she fell, but Marlene… I watch as both Hector and Marlene fall to their death, Marlene with a warning on her lips, Tris frozen in place, not even granted a choice in the simulation.
We were almost there, almost past towards safety. But Tori... she didn't make it. She was shot. Tori's bloodied body lies at Tris' feet.
There was an attack by a rebel group on David. And... In the process, Uriah... he died. The explosion shakes the ground; Uriah falls, battered and lifeless.
Tris does better this time, stopping the simulation before the appearance of my simulation self. I wordlessly help her up and allow her to leave the room, blinking back tears, while I sit in my place for minutes, grappling with the thoughts of the grave consequences of our potential inaction or mistakes.
-o0o-
I use the free time between the simulations and dinner to visit the control room and go through Max's files a second time. The evidence there matches perfectly with Tris' prediction of the attack — the weapons, the serum, the map containing the course of action. I feel sick at heart. I have to do something to stop it. I can't help think of Evelyn's indifference as the map of the Abnegation sector stares up at me, of her schemes that actually profit from the destruction of Abnegation. It is sickening to think that for even a short time, I had actually sided with her, seen the situation through her eyes. According to Tris, the attack should take place just after initiation. The day is not far at all. Time's running out.
Closing all the programs, I return to the Pit, and declining the offers of hanging out from Zeke and Shauna after dinner, retreat to my apartment to wait for Tris. A knock sounds at the door scarcely ten minutes after my entering.
"Come in!" I call, rising from my bed to step closer to the door. The door opens by a crack and Tris slips in, shutting it behind her. A smile makes its way on my face automatically at the sight of her; I hadn't expected her to be here so early.
"Hey," I greet her. "I wasn't expecting you so soon. Your friends didn't notice?"
"It's surprising how little people notice when they are too busy staring at each other," Tris says with a slightly exasperated and yet fond smile, obviously referring to Will and Christina.
"You could be speaking about us," I comment, feeling unnaturally light around her; all the troubles bothering me merely an hour ago evaporating. Our relationship seems to have developed into something stronger overnight, perhaps because we have finally come clean on our secrets. There is nothing between us now.
"Us?" Tris says with a raised eyebrow, a smile at one corner of her lips, "I was thinking Uriah and me would be more appropriate."
I tell myself that she is joking; I know it, and yet I can't control the scowl that comes over my face. I am so stupid. And jealous.
Tris bursts out laughing, obviously successful in her joke.
"Aw, Tobias, did you fall for that?" she teases. I smirk internally, regaining control of myself with her laughter. Oh, so is this how it is going to be? Well, two can play at a game.
"You'd better watch your mouth around me, initiate," I say coldly, adopting my most detached tone that I use to put initiates in line. It's overrated, really, but Tris' smile slips off her face, much to my amusement.
"Tobias, I didn't mean —" she begins uncertainly.
Now it is my turn to laugh. And God, does it feel good to laugh around her! "Aw, Tris, did you fall for that?" I tease her back, mimicking her.
"Ha ha, very funny." Tris narrows her eyes, taking another step closer to me, leaving us at touching distance. All of a sudden, the playful atmosphere intensifies to something stronger, something powerful. I can't stop staring deep into Tris' intense blue-gray eyes, which seem to be turning a darker gray, more intense, her pupils dilating. It's difficult to imagine that only last night, everything I had felt for her had threatened to fall apart, my trust in her almost broken. At the moment, I can't imagine trusting anyone more, or wanting anyone more. Tris' eyes flit between my eyes and my lips, coy invitation and desire lighting in them. Her teeth graze her bottom lip, the gesture probably just unconscious but sensuous still, and it is all I need for every barrier within me to be broken. Taking the final step, I capture her lips with mine. I feel Tris smiling against my lips, pulling up a smile of my own, and I feel sparks everywhere on my skin as Tris' fingers drift over my biceps and then dance over my chest, over my shirt. In a fleeting second of madness, I wish I'd just take it off.
"Can't keep your hands to yourself?" I tease, grinning as I press a kiss at the corner of her mouth.
"I never seem to be able to when I'm with you," Tris replies with a sinful smirk. "Although most girls in Dauntless would like to say the same."
"Like I care," I scoff, still grinning like a loon as I push back her jacket slowly from her shoulders, aching to explore more of her skin. I couldn't care less if a thousand girls wanted me; all that matters is Tris. And nothing could make me happier than having her right here, like this. I don't know where this is going, and I don't care; I just let my instincts guide me, my experience too little to be of any use. I just want to let my fingers and lips explore, to feel every inch of her, and that is what I do.
Tris says something as I run my lips over the shell of her ear, but the words don't reach me, only the thought of how breathless and sexy she sounds.
"Hmm?" I hum distractedly, still intent on enjoying every moment with her.
"We have to... plan."
The words reach me slowly, as if through a heavy filter, and it is only after a few seconds that my lust-driven brain manages to process the message. I pull away from Tris.
"Planning. Yeah. Right." I shake my head like a wet dog, trying to get my thoughts straight. Right. We decided to meet so we can plan about how to stop the Erudite attack.
"OK, then," I say, still a little dazed, "why don't you get on the bed so we can be more comfortable? I'll join you." I regret saying it as soon as I do, as the other meaning of the sentence hits me, bombarding my brain with images I'd rather not have. I feel my face heat up, the tightness in my pants only intensifying as Tris obliges, climbing onto the bed. Judging by the rosiness on her cheeks, she has been thinking along the same lines as me.
I turn my thoughts to matters of greater concern. A quick rewind of Tris' simulation in my mind is enough to sober me up. We have these lives on stake.
"So," I look at Tris, the heady desire between us subsided for the while, "have you got something in mind?"
"I was hoping to get the composition of the serum changed," Tris says, "or at least get an inoculation for it, so that Jeanine's attack fails, but Cara said she couldn't do anything about it. She said that the only way to stop the attack is by deactivating the drive that issues the instructions."
"That's bad." I frown; I hadn't it would be this difficult. "It knocks off one option from our hands. So we have to see how we can stop the drive from working."
"I don't think we can lay our hands on it early; it's bound to be confidential."
"Yes," I say. "I have been keeping tabs on Max whenever I can, and there isn't anything of the sort among his belongings yet. But then, I guess Jeanine will provide it only once the serum is ready."
Tris purses her lips, the little gesture an image of the uncertainty and worry that I feel. The more we talk about it, the more complicated our job seems. We are already relying on a third party, and even if Will's sister does her job properly, our job isn't even half done. Things are easier said than done, and even talking about this isn't easy.
"The first thing we could do is warn the Abnegation," Tris speaks again. "If they know about the attack and secure themselves in their houses, the Dauntless won't be able to unexpectedly
Tris' words hit me unexpectedly hard. I think back to my conversation with Evelyn. I could have done this; I could have warned the Abnegation, and taken our plan a step ahead in a much shorter time. But I didn't. I am such a coward. So pathetic.
"Tobias?" Tris says tentatively, and I realize that my expression has set into a frown. "Tobias, what is it?"
"Nothing," I lie, unable to meet her eyes.
I hear her sigh. "I am not going to force you to tell me if you don't want to," Tris says quietly, and I hesitatingly allow my eyes to meet hers, "but please don't lie to me and say it's nothing." She can see through me too well.
I sigh, looking at her directly. "I had thought of that earlier," I admit shamefully. "I — went to see my mother some days ago and told her about it. She... knows what is about to happen. And she doesn't want to do anything about it, or me to do anything about it either. I have thought of telling Marcus, but —" But how could I? The only Abnegation I could think of going to was Marcus — the only one who knew me and my identity, who would recognize Tobias in Four. But as much I hate myself for it, I couldn't bring up the courage to face my father. Whenever I thought of him, all I felt was hatred and a dull dread, and Evelyn's words would flash in my mind, turning my hatred for Marcus into hatred for Abnegation, telling me that I don't need to waste myself at trying to save a bunch of hypocrites. But Abnegation also contained Tris, and it contains people like Natalie Prior. People who deserve to be saved.
"You don't have to," Tris suggests. "I will go see my parents and warn them, maybe tomorrow."
I nod, relieved. Knowingly or not, she has taken a huge load off my head. "That's good. And now we need to think about getting the hard drive."
"You tell me," Tris says. "You are the one who's the expert with computers."
I press my fingers together, thinking. "I think I can stop the program from running once I see it," I offer, fairly confident of my skills at computer applications. "The main problem will be getting to the Control Room without being seen." It is difficult to get past anything at all in Dauntless, because of the sheer number of cameras in the compound. I work in the control room; I would know.
We sink into silence, Tris' lack of input indicating that she has left this matter entirely in my hands and has nothing to add. I try to think logically. The foremost problem we have is being spotted on the cameras. Someone must be keeping watch to ensure that things are going according to plan. The route to the Pire must be specially monitored, and the control room guarded.
However stealthily we move, the cameras will catch us. I could damage the cameras or disrupt the security program beforehand, but it would be noticed and alert Jeanine of our plans. What if the cameras could freeze in action…or…loop to show the same harmless scene over and over again?
Yes! That's it.
Not for the first time am I proud and thankful of the enthusiasm of the Dauntless in making fun of others and their wit, which in most instances, is unacknowledged.
"I have an idea." I say, the plan becoming clearer in my head even as I speak. Tris looks up, a little startled. "I can't guarantee that this will work, and I'll have to ask Zeke for help, but it might just increase our chances." I'd tell Zeke that I need it for a prank; he could help without getting involved. Tris looks at me questioningly, silently prompting me to elaborate.
"We could modify the cameras so that they show a loop of images from a short while before," I suggest. "So to anyone looking at the footages, which someone definitely will be, no one walked into the Control Room."
"Wow!" A brilliant grin lights up Tris' face. "That's brilliant, Tobias!"
Her complement causes a blush to creep up my neck. "It's only an idea," I say, "but I'm confident that I can manage it with Zeke. He is a pro at pranking, especially where digital stuff is concerned." I think of the time constraint, and my smile disappears. This plan cannot be used for a long time; a long time of inaction would be suspicious, especially if Jeanine orders someone to stay on duty in that area, and the cameras show nothing. The game will be up. "But we can't use that tactic for a long time, because Jeanine will surely be in correspondence with the Dauntless leaders, so our plan might be noticed."
Tris' smile remains intact. "It's still good enough," she says. "Anything is better than nothing, and I think this is a great plan."
Maybe it is, but I can't deny the feeling that it's not enough. Only a paper-thin plan, with so many uncertainties in the way… we can't rest the lives of so many people on that. What if we get caught? What if we can't shut the simulation down in time? We need a backup plan. Looking into Tris' thoughtful cloudy blue eyes, I know she is thinking in the same direction as me.
"We should think up a plan B," Tris voices the silent opinion first.
"We should," I agree. "Think of something?"
I let Tris do the thinking this time; I suspect that she has an aptitude for Erudite, and can think that way. Besides, she knows Jeanine much better than I do from her encounters with her and her past experiences. At length, Tris looks up from my quilt, her expression pensive.
"If the person trying to get the hard drive, you or me that is, is caught," she says slowly, "we'll be surely taken to Jeanine. And if it is you, Jeanine will try to get you on her side. That you are amazing with computers is no secret to her."
I open my mouth, horrified, as the understanding sets in. In Tris' past life, Jeanine injected me with her experimental serum , which changed my perspective of things. If I am caught, that is what she will do. Tris nods, knowing what I am about to say. "She'll give you the other serum."
"If she dares —" I begin, seeing red at the thought. I won't let that woman use me again. I'll never hurt Tris. I won't be instrumental in the destruction of an innocent faction.
"No, you must let her!" Tris cuts in.
I stop short, my jaw dropping. I can't believe what I am hearing. "What?"
"I've talked to Cara, and she is trying to prepare a serum to provide inoculation against Jeanine's experimental serum," Tris explains. "If she is successful, you could take the serum. And when Jeanine injects you with her serum, all you have to do is pretend to be affected, and you will have open access to the Control Room. The last time around, there was no one in the Control Room other than you when I went there. You won't be watched."
There is reason in her plan, but I don't like it. If Cara's serum doesn't work , I'll become Jeanine's pawn. The very thought makes me feel ill. "I... don't like this," I say worriedly.
"It's the best way out," Tris insists. "And it is a backup plan. I am hoping we won't need to follow it."
I sigh. "Yes, I hope so too."
"Okay, so anything else?"
I think, but come up with nothing. We seem to have exhausted all the current avenues of discussion. "Not that I can think of," I admit. "You keep in touch with Cara and get things done at the earliest possible time. I'm going to keep up with my spying on Max and Jeanine and see if I can do anything useful."
Tris nods, a small crease appearing on her brow. "Be careful, Tobias," she says worriedly. "If you get caught..."
Her concern for me brings a smile to my face. No one has cared for me like this before; it still feels strange, in a good way. "Don't worry, I'll be fine," I assure her, trying to conceal the anxiety that I too feel . I have been spying on the Dauntless leaders ever since I became a member, but I have very nearly got caught several times. I live in constant fear that one day, one of the many secrets I have – from my true identity to my spying to my communication with my factionless mother, would be discovered, and then… I don't even know what would happen next.
"I should get going, then," Tris says, standing up. "Goodnight."
I don't want her to go; her presence feels like an anchor to the madness I have suddenly descended into, which blurs the lines of truth and lies for me, though I would never admit the extent of my disorientation to Tris. With her, I can let go of the worries of what is the truth and what is not, and what is to come and how to stop it (and ironically, she is the one who revealed all of this to me), and just be, and this being will feel right. But I know that it is late, and she needs to go; we will both be in trouble if she is caught sneaking out of my room. "Goodnight," I tell her, walking her to the door, revealing none of my true feelings, kissing her once before she leaves. "I'll see you tomorrow," I promise.
"I love you," she says with a smile, making my heart skip a beat once again, and then slips out quietly and shuts the door behind her. Gone. My apartment feels empty and desolate once again.
I retire to bed after that, having nothing better to do. Without Tris' presence, all the events of last night and today begin to sink back into a surreal, dreamlike state. The more I think about them, the more conflicted I become – about our future, about the decisions I should take, the very base of our existence shaken and turned upside down. I finally know Tris, and she knows all of me – the thought is relieving and scary in equal measure. There is much more to know about her – I will get to know eventually, but for now, my thoughts twist and turn in my head, too many, too much, until I am simply too exhausted to think anymore. I bury my face in the side of my bed where Tris had slept last night, finding small comforts in her faint scent which lingers on my pillow, and my mind finally blanks out as I fall asleep.
They say that sometimes, the true is so much more difficult to handle than the lies. I know just what it means, now.
