A/N: "With all of the science and technology and the knowledge that we have from the last five thousand years of history, we still don't know what gravity is. We still don't know what attracts two bodies together - on the universe level, on the molecular level and, I think, on the human level, as well… We were doing a show in Munich, and I was reading a story about the neighboring particle collider they'd been working on in Switzerland and France. They're searching for the limit...they're standing on the edge of everything we know in science and trying to figure out what makes up 90 percent of the mass of a molecule and how it relates to the world. Basically, we have a sixteen pound bowling ball of a molecule and we know a proton, a neutron and an electron makes up about a pound and a half. So there's fourteen and a half pounds that we have no idea where the mass is coming from, what it is, what it's made of and what is essentially holding the entire molecule together. So popular culture has called it the "God Particle," trying to figure out what's holding everything together. And I love that idea, that there's so much about life we know, but there's still this humbling reality that there are some things that we have no idea about." –The Fray Scars & Stories: A track-by-track breakdown from Isaac Slade and Joe King at .com
Dean tossed and turned in bed the first week after Cas and Gabriel arrived. He wasn't sure how much sleep he was getting, but it definitely wasn't enough to function beyond vaguely zombie-ish. He spent most of his night somewhere between dreaming and wakefulness. By the end of the week, he could barely tell the difference between his dreams of Castiel and the memories Gabriel had forced upon him. Maybe the dreams were memories; he couldn't even tell anymore.
He'd forgotten what the wind in his face felt like. It took a moment for Dean to recognize he was dreaming, and as soon as he did he tried to forget it, lest he wake up and lose the sensation of the cool night air whipping into his face. Leaning over, he turned up the radio when he heard the faint sound of Rick Springfield.
"Is this volume necessary?" Cas shouted from the passenger seat, cupping his hands over his ears.
"Hell yeah!" Dean shouted back. "For once Sam's not in the car and I get to actually listen to this song! Don't tell him, alright!" On an inner level it struck Dean as funny how easy it was just to drive with Cas in the car and talk and feel happy for once.
"You are aware this song violates one of the Commandments?" Cas called over the music.
"What?"
"'You shalt not covet your neighbor's wife!' It is sinful to lust after Jessie's partner," the angel explained, trying and failing not to shout.
Dean gave him a long side-eye look. "Dude, you're missing the whole point: it's not about sex." Returning his gaze to the road, he drummed his fingers to the beat of the song on the steering wheel.
"The singer mentions her body quite a lot," Cas pointed out. "I still don't understand. What is the reasoning?"
Dean shrugged loosely, still tapping his fingers. "It's not about the sex, y'know? Look, I know that's what the song makes it sound like, but it's not. It's about wanting to hold someone's hand. It's about not being alone. You see someone else being loved and you can't help but notice that's what you're lacking. If you're scared or sad, or whatever, you never wanna be alone. And if you're lucky enough not to be alone, then you're gonna look to see who's beside you, and you're going to hold their hand. Like this." He held up his hand on the center console, demonstrating to Cas, though not expecting him to take his hand.
Cas looked at his own hands and interlaced his fingers. "It seems so simple. Holding someone's hand? Surely there is something more than that." He shifted slightly so his body was turned more towards Dean so he could watch the other hunter talk and drive.
There was a short silence while Dean smiled to himself and turned down the radio so they didn't have to shout anymore. "Nope, that's it. Just a selfish, human thing where we don't want to be alone, even if it's only for a night."
Finally, that seventh night Dean gave up on sleep and padded downstairs to get a snack and a glass of water. He looked out the window to see Cas, sitting on the bench swing hanging from the porch. He watched the angel swing for a moment, then made a snap decision to go out and join him. Not like he had any sleep waiting for him upstairs, right?
He tried to make some noise to alert Castiel to his presence; the last thing he wanted was to startle the angel into some kind of fit or whatever. He walked carefully across the wooden porch in his bare feet, leaning against the porch railing beside Cas.
Cas didn't turn or look, except to utter a simple, "Dean." Not a question or invitation for conversation, just an acknowledgement of his presence.
As was becoming their custom, they sat in silence for a while and let the church-like darkness of the night surround them. It was a warm night, humid and muggy, with crickets and other assorted insects chirping their asses off and doing their damnedest to make it sound like a failed comedy night.
"Hey, Castiel? Cas?" Dean asked finally, breaking the silence. "Can you help me out with something?"
Castiel didn't even hesitate before answering. "Of course. What is it?"
Dean rubbed his hands through his hair a couple times, trying to figure out how to word what he wanted to say, since this was a spur of the moment decision to ask. "Lately I haven't been sleeping too well," he confessed. "Like I've been dreaming a bunch, but it doesn't felt like I've slept at all when I wake up. Or if I'm not dreaming, I'm staring up at the ceiling for hours because I can't shut off all those things Gabriel showed me."
There was a brief silence of contemplating until Cas spoke up again. "That is a problem?"
"Dammit, Cas, yes it's a problem!" Dean replied irritably. He sighed when Cas tensed momentarily and clenched his hands. "Look, I'm sorry. I'm just really tired and stressed, and I have no idea what to do. We humans need more sleep than you guys—wait, do you guys even sleep? I've never seen you close your eyes longer than to blink. And I don't see you around during the day usually, so I don't know if you sleep then or whatever."
The angel smiled quickly, sliding his gaze over to Dean before looking away. "No, we do not sleep. Occasionally we need rest and peace in order to let our grace recover, and even then most of us simply work slower instead of actually going off-duty." He paused as Dean absorbed the information, and swallowed unnecessarily in order to fill the space. "That is what Gabriel is telling my brethren I am doing, while I am absent from Heaven. Resting."
Dean snorted. "Yeah, being stuck on Earth with a pain in the ass like me is very restful. You should be feeling like Superangel with how much rest you've been getting. How's that going for you?" He meant it sarcastically, though good-humored, and was surprised when Cas didn't receive it as such.
Castiel considered the human with serious, contemplative eyes. "I am very peaceful here, thank you."
He was lost for words. "Ah well…you're welcome, I guess?" Dean said, stumbling through his words.
"You said there was something I could help you with." Cas prompted, tilting his head in consideration. "Perhaps I could be of use if you told me what it is."
Sighing, Dean scratched his cheek, absentmindedly noting he'd have to shave the stubble in the morning. "Well, you know how I said I wasn't sleeping very well? It's just…it's just that it really bothers me that I can't tell if I'm dreaming or if it's just a memory."
Cas swung the chair as he studied the human. "Why is it important to you that you know?"
"Because I don't know how much I can trust you if I made up half of my memories. For all I know, the only reason I can stand even being in the same state as you is because of some fake memory I invented."
"So what you are truly concerned with is how to tell a memory apart from a dream you invented?"
"Yeah," Dean nodded in relief at being understood. "That's exactly what I want to know."
Cas sat back in the porch swing and shrugged. "It is simple enough. If I don't touch you in the dream, it's a memory. If I touch you, it's an invention of your imagination."
Dean raised his eyebrows and shook his head slightly. "That can't be right. You never touch me in the dreams."
The angel gave Dean what could only be described as a smirk, and he dropped his chin, smiling into his lap at the abashed look on the hunter's face. "Apparently everything your sleeping consciousness shows you is true. Congratulations, you are not mistaken in trusting me."
Dean sputtered for a few moments, unbelieving that so many of those… intimate moments had been real. "Well alright then. Thanks for your help." He drained his glass of water as fast as he could swallow, suddenly thirsty and dry-mouthed. Contemplatively, he tapped the bottom of the glass against the railing and absentmindedly hummed a couple bars from Jessie's Girl.
"Hey Cas? I know I don't know much about your 'job' or anything, but I can totally tell that you were never really supposed to talk to me right?" With Cas's nod of grave affirmation, Dean barreled on. "So I guess what I'm also asking is, whydid you? Like you must have been around tons of humans but never interacted with them. Why did you even talk to me?"
Cas froze up more and more the longer Dean rambled on, feeling acutely uncomfortable where his line of questioning was going. "You're correct. I was not supposed to make contact with you; I only ever make contact—very briefly at that—with those I will punish. And you want to know why I ever talked to you? That was actually my mistake, that first time. I was late, and you caught me in the midst of an assignment." He shrugged, letting out a bitter laugh. "After that, I suppose I was being selfish. I was curious to learn about the only two humans who have seen me more than once."
Dean frowned. "I don't understand; surely others have met you."
"Of course others have met me. They just have not met me more than once, unlike you and your brother. For an unapparent reason, I often occur where you are and that has led to multiple encounters. However, I don't know why it was you and your brother. Perhaps some things simply happen of their own accord, and not because of anything we can define."
"I'd say there were more than 'multiple' encounters, Cas," Dean snorted. "We were friends, good friends."
Cas fixed him with a pointed stare for interrupting. "Very well. But yes, that is the explanation for my presence in your life at all."
"To be fair, that's not really a good explanation," Dean huffed and crossed his arms. "I mean, curiosity? You wouldn't have hung around or even talked to me if you figured us out. Come on, what else is there? Secret plot? Teenage rebellion?"
"I think that is enough question and answer for tonight, Dean," Cas said abruptly. "You need sleep in order to go to work tomorrow." He interlaced his fingers again and pointedly turned away to look at the sky.
Dean took that as his cue to go, so he grabbed his glass and stood up and stepped carefully over the splintered wood. "Yeah, okay. G'night."
He paused by the doorframe as Cas spoke up again. "Dean, I am still sorry for putting you in this situation. There is no method with which I could ever recompense you for the time you have lost, but I made an oath to your brother to bring you home and I will uphold it." His gravelly voice was rougher than usual with sincerity, and Dean wondered if the angel chewed glass or drank copious amounts of whiskey on his free time.
Dean blinked in stunned silence, trying to absorb that rousing speech. He offered Cas a tired, neutral smile. "Don't worry too much, buddy. Hey, at least you sent me back to when good music still has to be made. I get it experience it all firsthand—Zepp, Sex Pistols, all of it. That's a pretty damn fine deal. The only downside is that it's seven years too early for Baby. You had to leave the car behind, didn't you? Guess I can't get it all." He realized he was rambling when he got to the car part, but by then it was too late to stop his brain and rethink. Lapsing into silence again, he flicked his gaze back up to the angel and tried to gauge his reaction.
Castiel returned the smile hesitantly. "Good things to those who wait, right?"
The other man tapped a finger to his temple and pointed it at Cas. "You got it buddy." Dean jiggled the door handle and pulled the screen open, squeaking on its hinges.
"And Dean," Cas paused until Dean looked back at him through the screen door. "I befriended you because I was curious what it was like not to be alone, even just once." He tried a faint smile. "I got more than I bargained for."
Dean nodded, though he wasn't sure Cas could tell in the dark. "And that's what it's all about." He held up his hand, partly in a mirror of his dream and partly wave as he winked. "Goodnight."
A/N:Oh boy sorry it's been so long! I've been tied up with summer classes (which was a horrifically bad idea) and ACT testing. I've also just been working through some personal problems of my own too and that just sapped away energy and creativity for a while. And I thought I'd let you guys know that I got an AO3 account where I have a couple stories posted there but not here because of T&C stuff. So if you want to check it out, that'd be really cool and I'd appreciate it! The link is in my profile, and I have the same user name there.
The chapter title is from the song 'Munich' by The Fray (which is why I included that snippet of an interview at the beginning). Anyways, thanks for reading, and it would be really be appreciated if you did the whole comment/review thing where you let me know how I'm doing or if I can do anything better! Hope you all have a good week~
