Episode Twelve: Farm Boy
Jack had settled in for a quiet evening by himself one night when Eve had gone to visit some friends in the next town over. The half retarded laborer had spent most of the day sulking over a lack of things to keep preoccupied with, and now he was at his brink of boredom. A sudden knock at the door startled him, but he was excited at the thought that perhaps Eve had come back early… which would have been a whole week early.
Opening the door, he was surprised and actually a little pissed off to see that the visitor was none other than his greatest enemy in the village, the peddler. Realizing that he had nothing to say to him, he slammed the door in his face.
The peddler knocked once more. Feeling aggravated, Jack opened the door once more and asked what the peddler wanted.
"I mean no harm this time, really! I swear!" the peddler pleaded.
Jack studied his face hard, knowing well that this man liked to lie.
"I need your help." The peddler said quickly. "I really do! The hawker has come back to town and I am in desperate need of something in his possession!"
"Why are you asking me?" Jack whined.
"Because, you are any peddler's nightmare, and if anyone can stand a chance of outwitting the hawker, it is you or I. And if we are to join forces then there will be no telling what we can do!" the peddler laughed evilly.
Jack considered his proposition. It seemed as though the peddler was concocting some sort of evil scheme against a poor innocent man by the way he said "join forces", but Jack liked the idea of being all powerful. He was bored out of his mind anyways.
"Okay!"
"Yes! Haha! The magical bean shall be mine at last!" the peddler danced gaily. "Okay, the hawker has the magic bean in his possession and it is our mission to get it from him by any means possible."
"Why?"
Because it is a very important item and I have been searching for it for a very long time. And the hawker is my greatest enemy."
Jack was offended that he had not proven to be the peddler's match, "Why?"
"Erm, because it is magic."
"Why?"
The peddler was getting angry. "Oh, fine! If you must know, the bean has the power to grow into a beanstalk, and I want to climb it!"
"Why?" Jack was still confused.
"Because it will grow all the way up to the clouds and I want to know what it leads to."
"Why?"
"Because I may find treasure, you imbecile!"
Jack slammed the door once again. Why on earth should he be insulted for asking a simple question…or two?
Knock Knock!
"Jack! I am willing to offer you a great sum of money… enough to provide for your fiancée and perhaps even save the farm! That IS what you are supposed to be doing while you're in town is it not?"
Jack slowly opened the door.
"I can't hear you when the door is closed." He explained.
Intermission
Jack was very interested in the peddler's proposition now that money had been added to the deal, 10,000 gold to be exact. Jack was not smart enough to know it, but that would be more than he needed to upgrade the farm to its fullest potential and provide for an entire family for the next two years at least.
The two had agreed to meet later in the evening when all the townsfolk had gone to sleep in their warm homes to discuss what had to be done. By the time Jack had made his way to town square in his silly superhero costume, it was dark and cold outside.
"Jack." A voice came from behind him.
"I only answer to Farm Boy!" he refused to turn around.
"…Farm Boy."
"Present!" Farm Boy turned around to greet the peddler, but it wasn't the peddler at all. It was the hawker.
"Hello, Farm Boy. I have heard many tales of how you foiled that terrible peddler in town, and I have been waiting a long time to meet you. But alas, it seems you have now joined his ranks as his sidekick." The hawker was a strange and ugly man.
"I'm not his sidekick! He's mine!" Farm Boy announced angrily.
"Ah, but that is just not true. Are you not helping him on a cause that you care nothing for yourself?"
"English, please." Farm Boy was serious.
"You don't care about the beanstalk." The hawker explained.
This was true, and Jack would have agreed had it not been for the money involved.
"You see," the hawker explained. "I cannot allow you to take the magic bean from me if you are using it to help that fiend, the peddler."
"I'm not." Farm Boy lied.
"Hahaha, I wish that were true. Unfortunately, I still cannot make a deal with you." The hawker began to walk away.
"What if I want it for myself? What would that cost?"
The hawker stopped in his tracks and thought it over.
"Hmm. Well, it would not cost you any money at all. I would trade it for a cow."
Jack had never had a cow in his entire time being in town, and there was most likely no way he could ever get one now either.
"I can get that." He lied once more.
"Then you must promise that you will not give the bean to the peddler, ever." The hawker smiled to himself.
"Okay."
"Alright then, Farm Boy. You have until the end of the night, and then I must go on to the next town." And with that, the hawker disappeared.
Then, out of the darkness walked the peddler.
"Dude! What the hell?" the peddler was mad.
"What?"
"I totally just saw you make a deal with the hawker to never give me the bean!" the peddler accused.
"No I didn't."
"Yes you did! I saw you! He even looked me in the eyes and laughed as you made the deal!"
"Why?"
The peddler was about to explode with rage, but then he suddenly calmed himself. "Ah, I understand. You were telling a lie!"
"Yes!" Jack agreed.
"I like the way you think."
"I like the way YOU think." Jack was not lying now.
"Okay, so we need a cow, correct?" the peddler went on with the plan.
"Why?"
"Isn't that what the hawker said he wanted?"
"Yes." Jack remembered.
"Okay, so we need to give him a cow."
"Why?"
"…Because he wants one, I suppose."
"Why?"
"Jack!" the peddler was getting extremely frustrated.
Jack turned away.
"Jack, wait. I'm sorry I screamed at you, please don't give me the silent treatment." The peddler apologized.
Jack stayed facing away from his partner, but wondered just what the silent treatment would be like.
"Jack, please do not be mad at me. I am truly sorry for yelling."
"It's not that." He admitted.
"Then what is it that I have done to upset you?" the peddler asked.
"Nothing."
The peddler did not know what to say to this. This was like arguing with your wife. He considered yelling to get an answer, but that would just not do. "Huh?"
"I didn't say anything." Jack insisted.
"You said 'nothing'"
"Nothing isn't anything, stupid!" Jack corrected him arrogantly.
"I meant… Rrrrgh! Jack, turn around."
Still, the boy refused to move an inch.
"What must I do to get you to face me!"
"I don't answer to Jack, only Farm Boy."
"Oh, for crying out loud! Farm Boy! Turn around!" the peddler yelled and Jack complied. "I own a cow that I have been dying to sell, the magical bean is as good as mine!"
"Ours." Jack corrected.
"Um, no. You get the 10,000 gold and I get the bean."
"No fair! I wanted both." Farm Boy pouted.
"Whatever. Lets go get that cow!"
So the two raced off to get "Bessy" the cow, and trade her for the magical bean.
"Now, Jack, I cannot be anywhere near you when you make the transaction…"
"Tran-what?"
"Trade." The peddler blinked hard. "I am going to go inform him that I am leaving the town tonight, and he shall think that our deal is off. I shall reside outside of town until morning and then I will stop by the farm to pick up the magic bean." And with that, he handed Bessy's rope leash off to Farm Boy and departed.
Farm Boy walked the streets for many minutes until the hawker finally appeared.
"Aha! It appears that your friend, the peddler, has decided to leave town. It seems you are truly after the bean yourself." The hawker smiled and handed the magical bean to Farm Boy. "And what is this fine animal's name?"
"Cow." Farm Boy guessed.
"Hmm, I shall call her 'Bessy'"
"Oh yeah, that too." Farm Boy said and was off.
"What a strange young lad, poor soul. He won't last the night."
Intermission
Jack arrived at home with the magical bean and put it on his dresser. He was about to go to bed when his curiosity got the best of him, as we all knew it would.
He planted the beanstalk behind the toolshed, and went to bed.
Yeer: 2 Munth: 4 Day: 12
I finely dissided too plant sumthing! O and mee and the pedlr arr best frenz naoo.
In the morning, Jack ran outside to see that the magical bean he had planted the night before had grown into an amazingly gigantic beanstalk, just as the peddler had predicted. The peddler had not made his way to the farm yet, so Jack took it upon himself to climb it before his arrival, just to make sure he was getting the better end of the deal. And as he was about to climb it, he saw that some regular beans had grown around the beanstalk as well, so he could now eat those for supper! He picked a few and put them into his pocket, in case it was a long journey back.
It took a while, but Jack finally reached the top of the plant and was now walking on clouds. Ahead of him was a gigantic castle, which he stupidly decided to enter without caution.
The castle was not of a regular human's size, and Jack had to crawl through a crack in the wall to enter the structure. He explored as best he could, but could not find anything of value… except for a beautiful golden harp on top of a tall table.
Jack tried to use his magic Farm Boy flying powers, but they didn't work without his mask and cape.
"Hello?" Jack yelled up, not quite expecting an answer.
"Go back!" came a woman's whisper from atop the table.
"What?" Jack looked harder at the harp, and realized that there was a golden woman attached to it.
"I said go back!" she whispered a little louder.
"Why!" Jack yelled back.
"He'll hear you!" she whispered again.
"I can't hear you!" Jack yelled louder.
Just then, loud footsteps could be heard coming from the next room and a giant emerged from the door between them.
"FEE, FIE, FOE, FUM! I SMELL THE ODOR OF A MIDGET'S BUM!" the giant looked angry.
"That's 'cause I farted!" Jack hollered up.
"YOU!" the giant pointed at Jack.
"Yep." Jack confirmed.
"YOU WILL BE MY DINNER!" the giant began to chase after Jack. With each thundering footstep, the ground shook beneath them.
Jack ran as fast as he could away from the giant, but he soon realized that the giant was too fast for him. Luckily, the crack in the door was a short cut outside onto the clouds and the giant would have to use the front door.
As Jack crawled through his escape hole, he thought hard about what could be done to stop the giant from coming down the beanstalk and destroying his home. The he remembered that he had left his axe outside right beside the beanstalk, and that he would have to cut it down.
Jack slid down the beanstalk as quickly as he could while the giant fumbled to climb down it. When Jack reached the bottom, he began to hack away at the plant as fast as he could cut.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" the giant began to feel the vibrations.
"I can't hear you when you're way up there!" Jack yelled up as he continued to hack away.
"WHAT!"
With that, the beanstalk fell, and the giant along with it.
THUMP!
The giant lay down dead on top of the beanstalk, and Jack thanked his faithful axe with a kiss.
Ruff raced outside to see what all the commotion was, and upon seeing the dead giant, he began to bark uncontrollably.
Just then, the peddler had finally appeared and he stared at the giant in amazement.
"Jack?" he could barely speak. "Wha… what happened?"
Jack pulled out a regular bean from his pocket.
"I think it's a dud."
THE END
(The whole "Jack and the Beanstalk" thing was bound to be done by someone, especially when they put the damned thing in the game!)
