Chapter Twelve
She opened her eyes, the sunlight peeking through the blinds hitting her eyes. As her eyes adjusted, she realized that she was still in Angel's tight embrace. It would have been a lie if she had said she wasn't happy to still be in his arms. There was a perfect feeling in it, a comfort that she had not felt in so many years. How could she have gone this long without it? How could she have ever thought that she could live without it? She took a few moments to just enjoy the feeling, to savor the moment, pushing all other thoughts out of her mind, trying her hardest not to let her mind catch up to her actions.
"Mmm… Good morning." She said, smiling as she opened her eyes and found him looking intently at her. She admired the way the sunlight highlighted the gold flecks in his hair, it was an image she thought she would never be able to see, that she would only dream about it.
"Good morning." He replied, smiling back down at her before kissing her forehead, his fingers playing with her hair. Something about him seemed different that morning, as if he was waking up from the coma that had had been victim to over the past few weeks. It was in that moment that the thought crossed her mind that maybe today was different, that maybe today he would be back to normal, back to the man that she knew and recognized.
"What's on your agenda today?" she asked, tracing doodles with her fingertips on his bare chest.
"You." He responded bluntly before rolling over, pinning her down to the bed and kissing her neck.
"I think I like that idea." She giggled, wrapping her arms around his neck, not for a minute thinking that it would be their last day together.
She opened her eyes and looked up at him, her chin softly resting on his shoulder. His eyes were still closed and for the first time, she allowed her mind to process what was going on around her. For the first time, she wanted to cry, cry because she was confused, she was scared and because deep down, she was hurt. Forgiveness would not come easily, but she knew, in her heart that they were meant to be together. Even after all this time, even after all the pain that he had caused, he was the only one who could still touch her to the core.
She quietly got out of the bed and walked across the room to the dresser. Her fingers rubbed the top of the polished wood, her mind racing with thoughts. Without thinking, she sat down on the floor, opening the drawer, glancing at its contents. There were so many things in there, things that she turned to when she needed comfort: this old shirts, boxers and sweatpants. Yet, as she pushed those things aside, she reached further down until she felt the familiar paper. Reading it again wasn't going to change anything, she knew that, but somehow, she needed to read it once more, to see if the words on that paper made any more sense to her now.
Buffy,
I wasn't sure I could leave you behind if I told you this while you were awake. First, I want you to know that this is not about you, I love you. I always have, and I know, regardless of what happens, I always will. I love everything about you, and no one has ever made me feel the way you do. It's part of the reason I know I have to leave, at least, until I can be the kind of man that you need me to be. These past few weeks have been the best and worst weeks of my 200 plus years of life. The best, because I was with you, because I could take you into the sunlight, because I could make love to you… The worst, because I am plagued with quilt, quilt that I'm happy and alive, and they are dead. I should have been the one to die, not them. I'm not sure where I'm going, I just know that I have to fix myself before I can be with you, I don't deserve to have you in my life right now. I have to find a way to come to terms with everything that has happened, and when I do, I'll come back. I belong with you, just not the way that I am right now. I hope, that when I come back you will still be waiting for me, but I'll understand if you move on… Just know, that every day that I'm away from you, I will always think about, and love you.
Forever,
Angel
She could feel the tears pool in the corners of her eyes as she re-read the letter. It was a letter that she had read over and over again since he had left her and yet, each and every time, it was enough to move her to tears. Although she had waited for him, she wondered that if Liam had not been born if she would have done the same. No, she would have waited, because even she knew that she belonged with him. What hurt her the most was that it took him so long to figure out what she already knew.
Loss is a terrible thing, something that can take years to overcome. However, it's something that brings you closer to those around you. And, here was Angel, he had suffered such a terrible loss and instead of turning to her, he left. He close solitary refuge instead of her. She, above all others, knew what it meant to lose someone that you love. The death of her mother, Spike… Well, she knew all too well what it meant and the fact that he couldn't open up to her, couldn't learn from her experiences, it stung. He claimed that he was a man not worthy of her but how could he have possibly known that? Had she not time and time again told him how happy she was to be with him? She reached up to her face and wiped away the tears before folding the letter back up.
"Hey… What are you doing down there?" He asked quietly, startling her as she hadn't expected him to be awake. The previous night had been pretty eventful and with all the alcohol that he had consumed, she figured he would be sleeping well into the afternoon. She quickly wiped the tears from her eyes, not realizing that he was sitting up in the bed and could see everything that she was doing.
"Just going through some things." She responded, her voice shaky from the tears. She stood up, putting the letter on the dresser before walking to the bathroom to wash her face. She didn't want him to know she had been crying. It would have been one thing if she was crying about Liam but she wasn't, she was crying because of him and even now she was still just as confused, unsure as to what she wanted to do.
"I think we should talk." He said softly as she re-entered the room, her eyes still puffy from crying. "There are so many things that have been left unsaid… So many things that I need to tell you, that I need to try and make you understand." She sat down next to him on the bed, feeling his hand as he reached forward, cupping her face and softly stroking her cheek with his thumb.
"I have to take Liam to school." She spoke finally, looking up and letting her eyes meet his.
"I'll do it." A voice interrupted and they turned to the doorway and saw Willow standing there. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt but I was just coming to check to see if you were awake because Liam has school. But, you two should talk. I'll take care of Liam."
"Will I couldn't ask you to do that." Buffy responded, standing up and putting some distance between Angel and herself. It seemed as if every time she was near him she was under some spell causing her to act with her heart before her mind. It was dangerous and before she let herself fall for him she needed to think through this rationally.
"You're not asking. I'm offering. I have to go to the store anyways. Really, Buffy, it's not a big deal. I'll just tell him that you're still asleep, it's highly believable if you just close your door for a while." Willow didn't wait for her to respond, instead, she quickly turned her back on the couple, because even though they might not be together right now, even she knew it was inevitable, closed the door behind her and set about getting Liam ready for school.
They sat there in silence for a long while, both of them searching for the words that they needed to convey their feelings. She had spent so much of her time angry with him that now, as they sat there she couldn't remember why it was she was angry. He had spent so much of his time wondering how he could win her back, how he could get her to let him back into her life that he could not find the words to express just how much he loved her. After thirty minutes of silence, they heard the front door close and shortly after, Willow's car pulling out of the drive way.
"I guess we're alone…" He finally spoke, breaking the long silence that had formed between the two of them. His palms were sweating and his heart was racing with anticipation.
"I guess so." She said quietly, casting a glance out the window before returning her gaze back upon him.
"Buffy… I…" He started but she held up her hand, a signal to tell him to stop, that she wanted to go first. So he did, he closed his mouth and looked at her, ready for whatever verbal abuses she might throw his way, knowing full well that he deserved each and everyone.
"I've spend the past five years angry with you. But, deep down, I know that the angry stems from something more than that, something greater. I probably wouldn't hate you this much if I didn't love you as much as I do. I know that you left because you didn't feel whole and I guess what I hated the most about that choice is that you couldn't tell me that to my face, that you couldn't express your feelings to me, that you wouldn't let me help you deal with it. Instead, you took off and never even made contact with me to let me know you were alive, that you were okay. For five years I didn't know whether you were dead or alive. You can't possibly know how much it tore me up inside, especially as I watched Liam grow. Every time I look at him I see you, I see what we could have been, I see the family that I always had dreamed of having with you. And, as much as I love that little boy that we created, I resented that he looked so much like you. I hated it because it was like I couldn't escape you…" Her voice trailed and she looked down at the bedspread. "But most of all, you broke my heart for the second time. And of all the times, this one hurt the most. We were finally being given a chance to be together, to be happy and you left me… I'm not sure you'll ever know how that feels…"
"I do know how that feels Buffy but you wouldn't believe me even if I told you." He replied, his mind thinking back to the twenty-four hour time frame in which he had been human.
"Try me." She retorted.
"I can't. You would never believe me, but it doesn't matter. I need you to understand that leaving you wasn't something that I wanted to do. I hated leaving you, and I almost didn't go through with it, but I didn't think that it was fair to you to have me in your life so broken. I needed to figure things out, I needed to fix myself before I could move forward with you."
"How can you make that choice without me? How can you know what is good for me, for us? How could you know what I wanted? What I needed? The entire time you were gone, I needed you, Liam needed you, and you weren't there. I don't think I had ever been as scared as I was when I was carrying and if you were there… I don't know." She said, her eyes meeting his.
"I regret every moment since I've been gone, especially knowing that I've missed out on four years of his life! This is a life that I had always dreamed about but never thought that it would actually come true. I've never wanted anything else but to have a family with you, and it kills me, it kills me that I've missed out on this. I just hope that somewhere down the line, you five me another chance, you give me the opportunity to be a part of both of your lives. I know that right now I don't deserve it, but I hope that somehow I can show you that I want to be here." He responded, reaching forward and touching her cheek softly, wiping a few of the tears that had fallen from her eyes.
"I love you Angel, I always have, I just don't know if I trust you…" Her voice trailed off, realizing that she had told him this many years ago, when she witnessed his exchange with Drusilla.
"I want you to. I know why you can't right now and I don't blame you, I never have, I just want to be given the chance. I want to prove to you that I'm here and I'm here to stay. I've made some bad decisions in the past, let you slip away so many times that I hate to think about it but I can't let that happen again, I won't let that happen again." He moved closer to her, his hand wrapping around one side of her waist in an attempt to bring her closer to him. She didn't protest and allowed herself to move closer to him, to enjoy the feel of his arm around her.
"You still my girl?" He said after a lull in the conversation, knowing the meaning behind the words, hoping that she too would remember. They had been through hell and back that night, he had watched her suffer at the hands of their own plan, and yet, they came out on top, they were able to move past that. He watched her intently, noting the smile beginning to play on her lips. His heart seemed full for that moment, realizing before she even had the chance to respond that she was open to giving him the second chance that he so desperately desired.
"Always." She responded plainly, without much enthusiasm, and yet, they both knew it was the truth. There was no need for any other words. She rested her head against his chest, listening to the steady beat of his heart, trying to wrap her head around everything that they had just talked about, and what it meant for her future, for their future, for Liam's future.
"I want to go with you when you leave. I want to help keep Liam safe." He finally said, causing her to pull away and look him in the eyes. She could see the sincerity in his eyes, the concern for both hers and Liam's safety. She reached forward, brushing his hair off his brow but letting her fingers linger on his forehead.
She didn't speak, she only nodded her head in reply worried that she might say the wrong thing, that she might speak with her head instead of her heart. Deep down, she knew that they would be better off with Angel around, that the two of them fighting together, was a much better match for whatever it was that was after Liam, whatever it was that wanted to destroy her by taking the one thing that she loved more than life itself.
"This afternoon." She said softly before standing up and making her way to the bathroom.
"What about this afternoon?" He called after her, watching as she turned around to face him.
"We'll talk to Liam. Tell him that his father is back." She responded, turning back towards the door, and closing it shut as she walked in to take her shower and figure out what she was going to tell her son.
Moments Later
His mind was reeling after his conversation with Buffy. Never in his wildest dreams had he thought it would go that smoothly, in fact, he was ready to be thrown out on his ass. Yet, he knew that she was thinking not of herself, but rather, she was thinking about what was best for the boy. However, being in close proximity to her, it still allowed him the opportunity to show her that he was serious about her, about them, about making a family with her. He thought that he had lost his family when they died in Los Angeles, but rather, he realized that, that just wasn't so, he still had a family, and she never gave up on him, even though it would have been much easier.
The doorbell rang, interrupting his train of thought. She hadn't mentioned anyone stopping by, but as he approached the door he noticed the familiar car in the driveway. He took a deep breath knowing that he was going to catch hell when he opened the door. Yet, he knew that he deserved it and he knew that the person standing on the other side of that door had every right to hate him. As he opened the door, their eyes meet for the first time in five years.
"I guess I should have guessed that you would be here. Decided you'd had enough of traveling and thought you'd come and play with Buff's emotions again? Realized that you want to be her beau again?" He didn't give Angel the time to respond, instead he continued. "I wish I could have videotaped everything that has happened since you've been gone; I wish you could see the tears that you made her cry. You may not be dead anymore, but you'll be dead boy again if you hurt her again."
"Nice to see you again too Xander." Angel replied, taking a sharp breath as he let him into the house. It was obvious he was still in love with her, even after all those years…
Author's Note:
Hey guys! Thought I'd update sooner this time around, I was able to write this chapter up really quickly actually and couldn't wait to see what people thought about it! Just wanted to thank everyone again for their support and readership! As always, please continue to let me know what you think!
