The Whole Truth, and Nothing But The Truth
Mara looked at her watch again, then offered, "Have a cookie, or a brownie." Nyota stared at the platter of treats, about to ask Mara if she had made them when Christine took her up on her offer, selecting a brownie and took a bite. Her face revealed utter displeasure for the treat. Nyota looked at her with a lifted eyebrow that would put Spock's to shame.
"What's wrong with the brownie, Christine?" She asked. Just as she had suspected, Mara had made those brownies.
"It tastes like rubber and mud," Christine answered, then covered her mouth with a hand. She reached for a disposable cloth to empty her mouth as Nyota laughed at her plight. Christine washed out the taste of the brownie with more tea.
Dr. Mara announced, "It would appear that the serum has taken affect."
"Oh, damn," Nyota said, under her breath. Now came the "fun" part.
Mara said, "I have heard the two of you mention things about the day of which we have gathered to speak on. Of course, I am referring to the day that both of you were raped by mind control. Now, I want to spotlight you, first, Nyota, because Christine actually tried a brownie. That was the equivalent of me flipping a coin. Nyota, tell Christine how you feel about her."
Nyota opened her mouth to answer, then shut it. One thing about truth serum was it could worked when she was speaking. She opened her mouth again to say, "I meant everything that I said about Christine, previously. If you think you might catch me in a lie, you are wrong, Mara."
Mara asked, "Do you approve of my relationship ship with Toimu?"
"I don't approve of anyone's relationship with Toimu," Nyota answered, before she could stop herself. Mara smiled at her. Apparently, Mara had already known the truth about this particular matter. Nyota added, "The thing about that is that Toimu does not function as well when he's in a real relationship. He does more for himself when he's solo. Relationships get in his way. As a matter of fact, why am I being asked about that? This isn't right."
"I was just proving a point to you, that the serum works," Mara said, plainly.
"I wish you would have some serum," Nyota said.
Mara quickly answered, "The fact that there are patients under my care who depend on me for confidentiality hinders me from ingesting anything that could be used to break that confidentiality. Let's focus on what we have gathered here to do. We have gathered to speak about your relationship with Christine, as it relates to that day."
"She kept laughing," Nyota said in a low voice. Christine looked up at her with a start and Nyota looked back at her and said, "But, she's probably going to say that it wasn't her fault."
"It wasn't! I was crying and the Platonians were making me laugh!" Christine said. "You know how it felt to have them inside of our minds. it was like we were sleepwalking, unable to awaken ourselves, but being totally aware of where we were and what was taking place. Perhaps we both changed for the worse after that day, but at least I am trying to get past it." Christine absently picked up a cookie and bit it, then she spat it into a disposable cloth. "What is the problem with these baked items?"
"Mara baked them," Nyota answered.
Mara sighed and said, "I never quite learned my way around the kitchen, I'm afraid. Christine, what can you tell me about that day?"
"I couldn't believe it. I wanted to die. I wanted to kill myself. I wanted to kill all of them. I felt really bad about what was happening, but it was overshadowed by how badly I felt for Lt. Uhura and Mr. Spock. It is no secret to anybody that I have watched Mr. Spock for a long time, but I had never seen him that way. He was treating her so brutally, and I just knew that her heart must have been breaking to have it happen... I also knew that his heart must have been breaking, and that broke my heart. There were a lot of people on the ship that I considered my friends, at the time. There were a lot of people on the ship that I knew weren't technically my friends, but I had a great level of respect for, then there were people on the ship that I respected so much that I looked up to them and always tried to please them. Oddly enough, all of the people who fit that category were all in that room with me. Captain Kirk, Dr. McCoy, Mr. Spock, and Lt. Uhura. For years, these four people have been sources of inspiration for me, and out of all of them, the one that I respected the most was Lt. Uhura. I hated seeing her hurt. I hate the fact that she was ever hurt that way."
Mara looked at Nyota, whose eyes were teased by tears. Mara's face was as blank as a Vulcan's. She decided that for right now, the best thing to do was probably just sit there and let them talk their situation out. She would only intervene if needed.
Nyota replied, "Well, I told you how I felt about you. I considered you to be a friend. I even empathized with your feelings for Spock, because I told myself that if Spock was with someone else, I would probably still love him too. I even went so far as to think, what if Spock and I hadn't gotten back together after he returned to the Enterprise and he and Chapel did get together? How would I react? Would it be easy for me to shut off my feelings? And I knew that it would not be, so I empathized. I even empathized when everyone was against you. Our problem is not about what happened that day or what we thought about each other that day. Our problem is the fact that you willingly tried, while in your right mind to premeditate claiming my husband for yourself."
"Whether I was in my right mind is debatable. I had went and gotten myself re-raped. I don't think that I was in my right mind for weeks. I can't say that I am in my right mind, now. Captain Kirk had the men who Dr. Mara insisted upon reporting transferred to other ships and placed "questionable activity" flags in their records, but beyond that, I left the situation alone."
"Why did you leave the situation alone, Christine?" Nyota asked, feeling concerned.
"Because I did not feel that I was worth the fuss that it would have made to accuse them of rape. All five of them would have gladly told how I propositioned them to come to my room and at least thirty five other men on this ship could have come forward to testify that I have directed them to come into my room and rape me, and leave without saying anything else to me. Who in their right mind would convict someone of raping a woman who lost count of the men she had rape her after thirty five."
"If it's consensual, it isn't rape!" Nyota fussed, "If someone stepped outside of the boundaries of what you consented to, then it does become rape."
"I know, but no one will see it that way. They will say, that's the ship's trash and everyone knows it. These guys never raped anyone else, or even showed signs of ever trying to or wanting to..."
"But now that they have, they ARE rapists! And you just, you just let them not only get away with it, but you gave them the chance to do it again! Nobody can speak out against them, but you! How can you allow the possibility of something like what happened to you happen to another woman on another ship?"
"I am hoping that on all of those men's parts that I was an isolated incident, that this was the way of showing me that I needed to change my life..."
"You're a fucking coward!" Nyota hissed.
"Language," Mara said.
Nyota continued, "You were hoping that you did not have to go through a trial in which there were thirty five men telling a court that you wanted them to slap you around, so you let five men who you didn't want slapping you around know that if ever they want to go force somebody that she might be too afraid to bring it to light!"
"What do you want from me?" Christine asked.
"I want justice!" Nyota said.
"It is my justice to want, and I don't want it. I just want to move on."
"I want justice for anybody who is ever forced to do such a thing against their will. I don't care if it's you or a Klingon woman. I don't care if it was a Platonian woman. No one should be allowed to get away with that!"
"I have already heard this argument from Captain Kirk, Lt. Uhura. Dr. Mara has shared some of the same ideas, as well. And knowing this information, already, I made my decision. Couldn't you agree that right afterwards, no matter what anyone says, you just want to get over it?" Tears were glistening crystals in both women's eyes.
Now, Mara stepped in and said, "There are individuals who derive sexual or other pleasure either from the act of rape or fantasies of raping. Generally, the term Biastophilia is used to describe the deriving of pleasure from any form of coercion or brutality during sex or specifically from the act of raping. Sadism and sexual sadism are also terms used to describe the enjoyment of inflicting sexual or other (physical or emotional) pain on another. Christine, your situation involves a look at that from the other way around. You... want to receive what a person with biastophilia wishes to offer..."
"Not anymore, I don't," Christine said with a shudder.
Mara continued, "Well, you did, and during that time, you sought out individuals who were willing to try what you wanted. You sought out men who were willing to hurt you and be brutal towards you while they had sex with you. This is the problem... to want to hurt someone is a component of an illness. To want to be hurt by someone is a component of an illness."
"I don't want to be hurt, I want to be forgiven." Christine said sadly.
"That means that you are healing," Mara said. "But, what is it that you want to be forgiven for?"
Christine answered, "I want to be forgiven for what I did to Lt. Uhura. I want to be forgiven for bringing these men into these awkward situations with me, and for rejecting the ones that did not want to hurt me. And I want to be forgiven for allowing the others to leave unscathed. I don't want another woman on another ship to get raped." She slid from her chair and crawled over to Lt. Uhura and laid her head on her lap, "I'm sorry. Please don't push me away anymore." She began crying, uncontrollably. "Please... I know how you felt, now. You are the only person here who can understand me. Please, don't push me away."
Mara and Nyota looked at each other. Nyota wanted to kick Christine away from her legs, but that was not in her nature. Christine was truly sorry, and truly in need of help and of security, and of love. Nyota stroked Christine's hair and said, "Shh. Don't cry, Chris. It's alright. I am not going to push you away. It's okay, Baby."
Christine sat up on her knees and rested her hand on Nyota's shoulder. "I didn't know that you thought I was your friend. I didn't mean to hurt you. I'm sorry," she sobbed. Nyota held her tightly and rubbed her back.
Nyota, by nature was extremely nurturing, which she in fact shared with Christine. Christine was one of the most nurturing people that Nyota knew, and the fact that she needed nurturing and there was no one willing to provide it actually broke Nyota's heart. So much for never getting over things. Perhaps there was a part of her that would not. A part of her that this issue would nag at forever, like the rape, itself. But, the fact of the matter was, Christine needed a friend, and Nyota was not the type of person to leave a person alone when they needed a friend. She may not have done the same thing that Christine had done, regarding Spock, if their roles were switched, but she knew that Christine definitely would not have went so long holding hatred for her, if by some crazy twist of fate, she had.
"Christine?" Mara called out to her softly.
"No. I just want to sit here. This is the best place that I have been in, in a long time... in the arms of a friend..." Christine said with a shaky voice. Nyota noticed that the woman truly made no attempt to move away from the embrace. "Uhura?" She called.
"Yes, Christine."
"Can I tell you something?" Christine asked.
"Yes, you can," Nyota said, gently.
"I destroyed my own room," she whispered. Now, Nyota looked at Mara, who simply tilted her head. Chapel went on to say, "I was lying about someone getting into the room. I did it myself. I have been hating myself so much, every since we came back, and I just had to direct it somewhere when I made you hate me too."
"Tell you what, Chris. How about when we leave here, we go visit the supplies storage and we get some things to clean up and redecorate your quarters?"
"That will be nice," Christine said. She seemed to be no longer crying, but she did not let go of Nyota. Nyota looked at Mara and simply continued to stroke Christine's hair. Christine then said, "Uhura, I don't think we have to talk about what happened that day. I think that we just have to focus on our futures, and try to let that day die away from what we will become. If we focus too much on the problems, we will lose sight of the solutions."
"Those are very wise words, Christine," Nyota said.
Christine laughed lightly and finally let go of her as she said, "You told me that when I told you about my fiancé that disappeared several years ago. I have never forgotten it, although, I must admit, that it has become difficult to put into practice."
Nyota placed both of her hands on Christine's shoulders and said, "Yes, it is extremely difficult to put into practice."
Christine returned to her own seat and said, "If we ever do this tea party thing again, have Janice bake the cookies." Nyota laughed at the suggestion, because she knew that it was a sincere suggestion, on Christine's part.
Mara nodded her head, then looked at Nyota, "Nyota, what do you want?"
"I want to be able to feel like I am one with my husband again. Sometimes it feels like I am loving him from afar, or loving him through a glass wall. I am having so much trouble just loving him face to face without any barriers, without any restrictions."
"Have the two of you been melding, like I suggested?" Mara asked.
"I don't want to discuss that in front of Christine," Nyota said.
"Okay. Just let me say this, you and Spock will need to meld to get closer to that feeling of oneness. You will need to meld and you will need to allow him to see your feelings about what happened that day. I think it was important for you to see Christine's true feelings on the issue of what has happened between you, because you have used Christine in a vicious manner."
"She has?" -
"I have?" - both women questioned, practically in one voice.
Mara nodded her head and said, "Yes. You admitted to me that since you did not have the Platonians to blame, you began to take your feelings out on Spock, because he was involved. I explained to you that Spock was a victim, and as his wife, he needed you to connect with him and help him, instead of blaming him. However, you found that it was difficult not to blame him for your pain, so you withdrew from him and punished both of you for what had been done unto you. Then steps in Christine – tragically confused and horribly damaged from the attack, herself and she offers you a perfect situation in becoming the perfect patsy. You simply took the anger and hatred that you had been directing at Spock, and rerouted it to Christine. Sure, there was a level of healthy anger that you had about the situation, but the real reason that you were so angry with Christine was not because you felt threatened by her attempts at your husband, or because you felt betrayed by her attempts. the real reason that you were as mad as you were at Christine was because you had to be mad at someone, and Christine opened the door."
Nyota shook her head and said, "No, I was mad at Christine because she betrayed me, but I have to admit that the main reason that I was really upset was the fact that another woman could reach out to my husband, and I could not. If it hadn't been for that fact, I would have forgiven Christine, considering the circumstances. She was right about what she said. If I was so disgusted with her behavior after our attack, I should have been just as disgusted with my own, and I was. I am. But we need to make it right. I am the best Communications officer in Starfleet. How does the fact that I can't communicate with the person most important to me look?" The question was rhetorical. Nyota sighed and said, "I look like a damned fool. What have I worked for? To let somebody, something come between me and Spock? Spock has become my everything. If I had to give up Starfleet for Spock, I would do it, and here I am – can barely touch him, hardly kiss him, never make love to him. The worse part is that I can't love him the way that I want to. I have not been able to love him the way that he needs me to, and that drives me crazy."
Dr. Mara clasped her hands together and said to Nyota, "Nyota, one thing about that situation is the fact that no one can solve it for you, but you."
"There is God, right?" Christine asked.
"I don't want to talk about that," Nyota said.
Mara asked, "Why do you not want to talk about God, Nyota?"
"Okay, Mara, that sounds like a question that would cause me to talk about it, which I just said that I did not want to do. I thought this session was about me and Christine sorting out our issues and making up. We did that. Why can't we just leave and go work on decorating and cleaning up Chris's quarters, and that can count as the rest of the session. I'm sure that we will be working for at least two more hours."
"That is a good idea, Nyota. The two of you can go. I expect to see you both in your separate sessions next week. Nyota, could you wait outside for Christine, a few moments?"
Nyota picked up her tea and said, "I sure can. I'm taking this with me." Mara did not question her about the tea. Nyota went to stand outside. Mara looked at Christine and asked, "Why did you destroy your quarters?"
"Because I was mad at myself, and because she hates me."
"Or at least you thought she did," Mara said. "I think that some part of you wanted her to feel sorry for you, so that she could forgive you."
"Forgiveness is forgiveness, Doctor. I will take it however it comes. I don't want to keep Lt, Uhura waiting. We do have a date," Christine said.
Mara said, "We will discuss this next time."
Christine reached for a cookie, but placed it back down and said, "I keep forgetting about your wretched baking. I will see you next week." Christine left the room and met Nyota outside of the door.
Nyota locked her arm into Christine's arm and they began walking down the hallway together. Nyota felt strange about forgiving Christine, but the session had made it practically necessary. Plus, Christine did not just need A friend, she needed respect. She needed dignity. If Nyota could forgive Christine and treat her with respect, she just hoped that the others on the ship could do the same.
It took them about an hour of working before Chekov passed by the room and saw them cleaning it up. He peeked in and asked, "What is going on?"
"We are cleaning up Nurse Chapel's vandalized quarters. You look like you're in the mood to help, Pavel," Nyota said. Pavel shrugged his shoulders, confused about Nyota's presence there, but he picked up the heavy duty suction machine and began to suction the mess that Christine had swept into the corner.
Soon after, Janice passed by, and Nyota invited her in as well. Christine tensed up when her former friend walked into the room and asked for something to help scrub the lipstick off of the wall. "Tramp" was the word that she began to scrub off when she had a soaping brush.
Christine relaxed a bit when Nyota began to sing as she worked. Hawkins and Scotty were passing by and stopped in, as well. Christine began to feel extremely comfortable as more of the friends that she thought that she had lost filed into the room to help her and Nyota fix it up. Janice even said, "I can't believe that there are actually Starfleet personnel that would be so hateful as to do this to you, Chris."
Christine shrugged and said, "Maybe they were desperate."
"This is crossing the line!" Scotty snapped, "Nurse Chapel, if I ever find out who was responsible for this, they'll regret it, I can assure you."
"There is no need for all of that, Mr. Scott. Surely, we as a civilized people need to know the merits of forgiveness, and allow our hearts to adopt them," Christine said.
When the room was completely clean and all of the obscenities were gone and the walls were repainted, Christine announced, "I want to thank everybody who stopped in to help. It was nice of you all."
Then, Kirk and Spock stopped by the room. Kirk peeked in and said, "What is this? A party on my ship and no one invited the first officer and I?"
Nyota walked over to them with folded arms and said, "And the two of you missed all of the fun, too."
Kirk looked around the room at the condition of everyone and asked, "No, really, what is going on here?"
Christine spoke up, "Lt. Uhura came over to help me clean up and petitioned other crew members to do so, too. She really is an extraordinary woman."
"Indeed, she is." Spock said.
Nyota looked at herself and said, "I am full of dirt and filth and paint. I need to wash up before dinner. See you tomorrow, Christine," she called out, taking Spock's hand. The other people who were there seemed to follow Nyota out of the door, and Christine, for one was not particularly bothered whether or not they had only come to help her because Nyota was there. She was just delighted for the merits of forgiveness and for adoption of them.
Nyota stood in the shower listening to music, and allowing her skin to absorb as much of the fragrance oils that poured from the dial with the water and the soap. She spent more time than usual in the shower, Spock noted. Sometimes, she did this when she had something on her mind. He wondered what had occurred during her last session with Nurse Chapel. He wondered what Mara could have thought of to cause Nyota not only to forgive the woman, but to help her, as well.
When Nyota emerged from the lavatory with her wet hair tied up into a wavy ponytail and a pair of green boy shorts with a matching spaghetti strap top, Spock froze. She smiled, awkwardly and and said, "I'm really sorry, but I haven't washed any clothes and this is all that I have to wear to bed. I know how much you like this outfit..."
"I shall not be enticed by your appearance, Nyota," he said.
Green was his favorite color to see her in. There was something about that color against her skin that previously had aroused him into desiring her with frightening burning passion. On tonight, the effect was not settling in, although he found her beautiful. Actually, Spock had not found himself sexually aroused since the situation with the Platonians, and to be honest, thinking of wanting to touch Nyota passionately made him feel uncomfortable. He had no idea how he would bring up the issue of Pon Farr by the time it was estimated to come about. Nyota asked, "Have the children eaten?"
"Styik brought them to the dining hall. Sytar complained that you were taking too long and that you could eat by yourself."
"So much for support systems," Nyota said.
"Can I bring you anything to consume?" Spock said.
"Are you eating anything?" She asked.
"No, I am not," he replied.
"Why? What's wrong?" She asked. He did not answer. She smiled, looking at him gently and said, "You know what? Whatever it is, we'll get through it." She climbed unto his lap and wrapped her arms around his neck.
"Indeed, we shall," Spock said, with newfound confidence. Nyota would be back on the bridge soon, and her life would be returning to some type of normalcy. Perhaps, she would be completely well by the time he needed her.
She laid her head on his shoulder and told him, "Don't worry. Whatever it is... I am here."
Spock sat there, silently, at the table with Nyota curled up on his lap. After a while, he asked, "What plans do you have on tomorrow with Nurse Chapel?"
"Oh," Nyota sat up and said, "She has some charges to press against some Starfleet personnel for an act of violence against her. I am going to be a support system."
"What happened?" Spock asked.
"You know what happened... the night that you melded with her." Nyota did not really want to speak about the subject of rape with Spock. It was a bit of an unstable subject between them.
Spock said, "It was my understanding that the Captain attempted to convince Nurse Chapel to bring up these charges when the issue was fresh. At this time, it would be far more difficult to prove."
"Maybe so, but if Christine doesn't come forward, someone else could get hurt. Even if they never prove it, at least there may be women on those guys' ships who may think twice before sneaking into their quarters after a shift. And, I am not the Captain, thank you very much. Christine will be able to do what she needs to do with me in her corner."
"It is very admirable of you to help her," Spock said.
"Justice has to be served for things like this, and sometimes, the victim shirks away from their own search for justice. I am going to be there to make sure that Christine does not get to do that, and Captain Kirk will be more than happy to assist me, not to mention Dr. Mara and you. She has to at least try to do something about it, instead of letting it be a millstone about her neck." She rubbed her nose against Spock's cheek and asked, "Is that invitation to retrieve food for me still open?"
"Of course, if I am able, I always endeavor to do as you wish of me," Spock said.
"Good, because I am so hungry, I can eat a horse," Nyota said. Spock's eyebrow shot up and she said, "You have never heard that one before?"
"I have actually read about it in the "Horse" section of the ship computer's human expressions listings. It was listed among "I am going to see a man about a horse" and "Hold your horses", neither of which seemed to fit the occasion that they were coined for, like most of the expressions which humans use."
She could not do anything but laugh. Spock loved when she laughed. Sometimes, he thought of himself as he did Sytar. When Nyota would laugh, Spock did not always understand the humor, but sometimes, actually felt compelled to laugh. He did not laugh, though. He merely remained seated, enjoying the sound of her laughter.
