12.
Heavy tension fills the air. Miles is staring at Monroe. The air around them is filled with a storm of anger that radiates of Monroe's whole body. He is not looking at her. But she is looking at him. Connor is standing next to her while her heart fills with a mixture of disappointment and a new wave of betrayal, because her mother used whatever was happening between her and Miles to play Monroe.
Charlie looks at Miles. She looks at the two men, staring at each other while their eyes are filled with the darkest version of themselves.
She trusts her uncle enough to know that he had his reasons to disagree with Monroe. The look on Monroe's face before she had walked out of their safe house and into the quiet darkness of the night, had reminded her of the General she had met in Philly. It was there, in the steel calculated rage in his eyes.
Things had changed since she came back to Willoughby with him. He's different. Or maybe she is. But maybe, he is different when he is with her. It's another truth she can barely think about for reasons she doesn't want to acknowledge. But she's realistic enough to understand that Monroe will always be a man of darkness, roughness and impulses of destruction and rage. But there has been more. She has seen Monroe, but she has seen Bass too.
She has seen the man who sat next to her for a full day while the sky had filled with thunder and rain in Pottsboro, realizing he had saved her life after she had woken up. He had saved her from those vultures in that bar. Vultures who almost took a part of her that was not theirs to take. She still remembers his determined rage when he had killed his way through every men that had tried to hurt her.
She has seen the man who had come back for her, for a reason she had never completely figured out, on that afternoon in the school, when they had been looking for Aaron. This is the man who was willing to sacrifice his own life in a cage fight in Vegas, so his own son could live. This is the man who had given her an unexpected lifeline, with his chest close and his arm around her, so she had been able to make it through impossible hours filled with not knowing if she had any family left, only hours ago. This is the man she follows into battle.
And after everything, this is the man she had saved from an lethal injection months ago. This is the man she saved in Vegas, risking her own life for his. That's the man he became to her.
It's almost impossible and she struggles with this daily, but the way she looks at the man who was nothing more to her than destruction and hate, has changed. She can see more of him. When things go to hell, she fights for him and she will fight with him. Because he would fight for her. He fights with her. How much she tries to deny who he is and what he has become to her and what he did for her, his actions, and his eyes, reveal who he is over and over again.
Charlie knows Monroe has made decisions of destruction and rage, mistakes that could never be undone. But this, after months of being on the road together and fighting their fight? Playing Monroe? And what? Her mother and Miles pretending to break up? How old where they? Fucking twelve?
Intense hurt and frustration covers Monroe's face, as he stands right before her uncle. But then the rage takes over. His fists are connecting with Miles' chest, punch after punch.
'You said you wanted to win,' his words come out in a deep growl.
'I do, and I will. We're the good guys, it's time we started acting it.' Miles looks at Bass.
'Who are you?' Bass is slowly circling Miles, 'God, Rachel is so far up your ass.' His eyes fill with dark loathing.
'Oh no, this doesn't have anything to do with Rachel. This is about you and me.'
Miles' words reach her. And something happens inside of her when he says those words out loud. Because this is about her mother too. Because every time a decision has to be made, her mother is there, trying to pull Miles away from Monroe and from whatever had to be done.
But it's war. Decisions have to be made. It's what Miles taught her and even more than that, it is what she belives needs to happen. She knows she can't beat the kaki threat, but she does know she will never stop fighting. So she gets where Monroe is coming from.
She knows about the struggle inside of Miles. She knows about her mother's guilt and who she used to be, pulls her towards wanting to do the right thing to make up for things she did, to her family and the world, that might never be fixed. She has felt Miles' doubt after he had let that patriot brainwashed kid go, when Neville and Truman had attacked them.
She knows. She understands. But a part of her isn't so sure anymore that this wasn't personal from her mother's side. Knowing about what happened between her and Monroe in Philly gives some of her mother's actions a completely new meaning. She has been trying to deny what happened in Philly, she has been trying to keep that truth away from her and Miles. And Charlie knows that Monroe's knows. And she understands. She finally understands a little bit more about everything that has happened. She understands his rage and frustration.
'I told you, it is different now,' Bass is desperately trying to reach his brother.
Charlie can't look away from Bass. She can't keep his pain away from her own heart while images of everything she has seen from the man standing in front of her flow through her mind. Pottsboro, Vegas.
'You keep making the same mistakes, pushing the people away that care about you. And you're going to end up alone.' Miles pauses for a moment, his eyes are still on Bass. 'You know why? Because you haven't changed.'
Charlie feels a sting of pain at Miles' accusation. And just like that, she feels the familiar wave of needing and wanting to fight. It is slowly filling her body and heart.
'You are wrong,' Bass' eyes move to an even darker place. He pushes Miles away, his hands crashing into Miles' chest to add extra force to his words. 'You are wrong.'
A deep strength is building inside of Charlie. Listening to Miles, looking at Bass, it all wakes something up inside of her. She's unable to not see and feel the raw hurt on Monroe's face that's now so close to the surface. It's impossible to ignore her mother's look, while she is still standing in the doorway of their safe house. There is a deep sense of finally being ready to say what she did not know she had wanted to say for so long. Until now. Her voice breaks the sharp silence between her uncle and Monroe.
'He is trying,' she takes a deep breath to calm herself, 'He can still be a son of a bitch, but he is trying.'
Miles looks confused and surprised at the same time, when he looks at his niece. Everybody's looking at her now. She doesn't care.
'Believe me, I am not a member of his fan club,' her voice is strong, while she looks at Monroe for a second, 'and believe me, he knows.' There is Matheson' sarcasm in her voice.
Bass' eyes light up when the person he least expected to talk, opens her mouth. He doesn't know what the hell he feels. He does know he can't look away from her.
When her words are finally released , coming from a place where she has hidden them for such a long time, she can't stop anymore. She looks at Miles and her mother. 'Do the both of you have any idea what kind of hell Vegas was like?'
Bass swallows. Panic fills his chest when Charlie touches a memory filled with so much raw fear and darkness. His mouth feels dry all of a sudden.
'Charlie..' There's strong warning inside of Monroe's voice. She ignores it. She ignores him. She just keeps on talking. She nods to Connor.
His eyes have softened, unable to keep the emotions out of his eyes and the memories of what happened in New Vegas away from his heart. He can still feel the cold, miserable rain on his skin when daylight had filled the horizon. He remembers the small cage, not knowing Charlie had been alive and sitting next to a father he would have to kill. Knowing this was probably the last morning he would have with a father he had just met. They've never talked about it. He has tried to forget about it, just like he tries to forget about the many lonely memories of his days on the streets in Mexico. Until Charlie brings it all back.
'Do you have any idea what he was willing to do for Connor? Just because I have never told him doesn't mean I don't have respect for what he was about to do for Connor in Vegas, when Gould came up with his disgusting idea of a dog fight. He was willing to give his life without any doubt. Give his life for his son..'
She can't look at her mother when she frees those last words. It's hard to keep on talking. But she has to. She can sense the change in Monroe, while her eyes meet his for a second and the dark intensity in his eyes is almost too much.
Miles looks absolutely stunned, her mother has that nervous twitch Charlie knows so well around her lips. Charlie takes another breath to brace herself for what she has to say next. 'And just because I have never thanked him for saving my life, because that's what he did... that doesn't mean I am not grateful for what he did, for getting me out of there.'
Her voice is breaking now. 'They almost raped me in that bar…and he got me out of there. He saved my life.'
Miles' eyes fill with rage and guilt when he realized what almost happened to her. Connor feels the same heartbreak for her he had felt in an alley in Austin, looking at her when she was hurt and so lost.
Bass listens to her. His eyes fill with shock. It is the first time she has talked about Pottsboro. He has never mentioned it because he doesn't want to bring back memories that hurt her so damn much. And all he can do is stand there and tell himself to not move because all he fucking wants to do now is walk over to her and be closer to her, when her voice breaks and raw hurt fills her voice. Showing them a side of her she rarely shares with them.
Charlie's tastes the salt of her tears. The silence around her is almost deafening. Nobody moves. Nobody talks. Her eyes find Monroe's before she has to look away. She can't look at him any longer. Tears start to fill her eyes, when she finally lets the memories of that horrible night in again. She stares at the forest ground in front of her. The shame and fear and sense of absolute abandonment from that moment are there all over again, right before her body had lost its fight to the drugs. The memory of those disgusting men cornering her before Monroe had been there, is so very close again. She pushes her tears away, as she looks up at her mother and Miles again.
Miles starts to walk in her direction, shooting a questioning look at Bass. Bass swallows when his brother's eyes find his and he finally knows the truth about how he had saved Charlie's life. Because hell, he did. He can still remember holding her in his arms, when he had walked her out of that bar. He can still remember how much he had wanted her to wake up and give him hell. He can still taste the rage he had felt when he had looked through the window of the bar, realizing what those assholes were going to do to her.
'No,' her voice is firm when she looks at Miles, while she's finding some of her strength again. And he might have been a General, but one word from his niece makes him stop right there.
Charlie's clouded blue eyes find Miles' eyes. 'Seriously, how old are you guys?,' She looks at her mother, making sure Miles knows that she knows and what she is talking about, 'We are doing fake break ups now? Seriously?' She watches how his eyes darken, but she doesn't stop.
'I get that you had your reasons for wanting to stop him Miles, but not like this. You can tell me all you want, but I know that there is still loyalty and some form of friendship between you and him. So, fight him. Fight each other. Go for another round of killing each other. Go for it. But this. This...'
Rachel steps away from the doorway, and is coming her way. 'Charlie, I'm so sorry to hear what happened to you,' She pauses, there's worry on her face, before she continues, ' I know you think there is something human left inside of him, but believe me, he is just doing what he does, to get what he wants.' Rachel shoots an icy look of loathing towards Monroe. ' He is still the same monstrous...'
Charlie feels her blood starting to boil at this point. Seriously, where they here again? It's like those first days after she had come back to Willoughby all over again, when she had tried to make her mother understand why she had brought Monroe back. Why they needed him. What he did for her. How much more she has seen of him. Did her mother even listen to anything she has just said? This time, when her mother is standing in front of her, she knows about her secret, she knows about Philly. She knows about what hides in her hate and loathing looks for Monroe as well.
Charlie looks up up when she feels movement behind her. When she turns towards Monroe, he is avoiding her eyes. And then he starts to move. Connor and Scanlon are not far behind him as they all grab their bags and weapons. She realizes she has missed an entire silent conversation between the three men when she had been looking at her mom.
Bass stops in front of Miles. 'Screw you Miles, and screw that bitch,' He points his fingers at Rachel. His voice is dark and rough.
Charlie watches him, as she desperately wants to do something, to say something. But all her emotions keep her in one place and she is not sure what to say to him. She looks at Monroe who is walking away from her. Her heart can barely take the sight of some who walks away from her. Again.
Every time his boots hit the forest ground, he painfully adds more distance between her and him. She watches him, until he disappears into the line of trees. And one thought repeats itself over and over again, screaming through the silence around them. He is gone. He has left her. The only thing left is a loaded silence in the air. He never once looks back.
Author's Note: I loved giving Charlie a voice in this chapter. In this episode, things happen in a different way than they did in this chapter. I loved writing that change and to let certain moments of season 2, like New Vegas and Pottsboro return to this part of the season and within the dynamics between Charlie's and Bass' character. I loved exploring Charlie's point of view and to make room for what she thinks and feels and why. I also wanted to explore more of Rachel's struggles and to explore more of the layers of the dynamics between her and Bass. At this point we know that her anger and loathing for him must have something to do with her decision for 'that night in Philly'. I think it adds an interesting layer to the story. Bass could have told Miles about what happened in Philly, the moment Miles denies that what is happening here, has anything to do with Rachel. Maybe he does feel that way, but I always thought it would have been interesting what would have happened if Bass told him about that night at this point when there is so much hurt, anger and disappointment in the air. Thanks for your feedback and kind messages, they mean a lot to me! Love from Love
