And I love you more, than I did before
And if today I don't see your face
Nothing's changed, no one can take your place
And it gets harder everyday
Say you love me more, than you did before
And you're sorry it's this way
Miley Cyrus Stay
"Carly? Carly is that you?" I felt cold hands on my cold arms, shaking me awake from an awful nightmare.
I slowly opened my eyes to find Missy's piercing green eyes worried and big. I could have sworn I saw three of her all at once.
"Madame Grey, she's awake!" Missy called back over her shoulder.
Madame Grey?
Where's Sam?
"Where is she?" I asked sleepily with a massive headache. My throat sounded scratchy and raspy. My stomach punched me over and over and over and over.
God, hangovers suck.
"She's behind us, don't worry everything's going to be okay." Missy reassured me, her voice soft, like my mother's after I had the flu. "She's right behind us and she'll take us back to New Horizons."
What.
My head rolled over and I saw Missy standing in front of my former fire. "What?"
"You were drunk." Missy explained showing me the empty bottle of vodka. I rubbed my sore throat at the sight of it. Weren't there two? But there wasn't supposed to be two. I'm so confused. "Lily had reported her car missing and Madame Grey had originally been looking for it. That was around the time I told her you had left and I couldn't find you. Lily immediately connected the dots; she told Madame Grey that she gave you a pair of her car keys and that you probably had it. And here we found you."
"You had a lot of us worried, Miss Shay." Madame Grey's hollow and dark voice told me, as she came up behind Missy.
I lifted my head up, ignoring the searing pain in my body. I looked around the beach for evidence, for hope, for life. The sun was shining down onto us but it wasn't like a spotlight or Sam shining for Freddie.
And Sam wasn't there. Sam wasn't there because Sam was never there. Sam was never there because when you're dead, you're never coming back.
I shut my eyes tightly praying the rain wouldn't come down today.
I stared at my grotesque reflection in the mirror.
My hair was the equivalent of a birds nest and had sand grains all over. My skin was paler than usual - even paler than last year when I had traded eating and sleeping for countless abuse at the hands of her at the gym - and dry from throwing up of a stupid hangover. I hadn't taken off my clothes from the night before which made them wrinkled against my body.
I made sure the door was locked behind me and went into Missy's bathroom closet. I opened it and removed the secret scale she had inside and set it down.
I stepped on it and closed my eyes. Missy had forced me to eat scrambled eggs before she left me alone - which also led to my throwing up - and I was worried the scale would punish me.
1 0 9
I smiled and threw my hand over my mouth. If the only happy thing that's happened to me in these past four months is that I'm finally not 120 pounds, that can be the only happy thing.
I put Missy's scale back under her multiple towels and perfumes and body lotions. The smile didn't wash away from my face even as I stood under the hot water, letting it warm my freezing bones.
I washed my hair and didn't let my smile go away as my hair ended up in my hands.
I washed my body and let my smile grow wider as I felt my bones under the sponge. Nothing could stop my good mood now. I was on top of the world - and this time, I was actually skinny enough to be on top of the world.
"Carly?" Missy knocked on the door from the outside the bathroom.
I smiled as I replied, "Yes?"
"Madame Grey wants you. Immediately."
15 minutes later I arrived in front of Madame Grey's office with a wet messy bun, gigantic sweatshirt and leggings under my jeans.
"May I come in?" I asked her, standing in the doorway. I refused to let anything ruin my good mood.
Madame Grey didn't even look up as she replied, "Sit."
I kept my mouth shut as I followed her instructions.
She finished her typing and shut down her computer. I kept my poker face as best I could with her demon glare and loud high heels. She sat down across from me in her usual spot.
"You will speak today." Madame Grey told me as she handed me a letter. "You will speak today to your brother and your soon to be sister in law, who are worried sick about you. You will tell them that you ran away last night and caused the entire staff of New Horizons to worry about you all night. You will tell them that the probability of you graduating this year is low. Dangerously low."
I inhaled as I looked at the letter. "I don't want to talk to them."
Dear Carly,
I know you're mad at me, at us. Please don't shut us out, we're worried about you. Your headmaster has informed us that you're most likely not going to be graduating this year and we hope that it's not true. There's also a ticket attached for you to come visit this April, Freddie's going to be coming home too. I hope you're able to make it this time.
I love you,
Spencer and Angie
"They want to talk to you -"
"No, Spencer wants to talk me, Angie couldn't give a fuck less!" I exploded into a Carly-monster. My good mood had evaporated and I became pissed at every living thing inside this building. "Spencer wouldn't send me here if it wasn't for her!"
Madame Grey took in the scene with a poker face. "And this made you want to run away?"
I exhaled loudly and exasperatedly. "No. I could care less about them now. I just...had a rough day."
"Miss Shay -"
"Carly."
"Carly, if you have these "rough" days and you want to run away, these circumstances are greatly considered in your credits. You can't just run off whenever you feel like it. There are consequences. We were all worried about you, an eighteen year old girl running off in the middle of the night in Boston. Didn't you think about your safety? And don't think I have forgotten about the little episode back in September."
I sighed and sat back down. "Of course."
"Carly, I'm serious. Listen to me, my job is to help you and I want to help you. I'm here when you need to talk and have someone -" Madame Grey started to say before her phone began to ring.
Sure you are.
"Excuse me for a moment." She said before getting up to answer. "Hello -"
I could hear the voice all the way from over here. It was a voice you heard in your sweetest nightmares.
"Mom! Did you -"
"I'm in a session -"
"I don't give a fucking fingernail if you're -"
"You will not speak to me in that manner, Lillian."
"I need to talk to you pronto."
"I am in a session, I will speak to you after."
"We need to talk to now!"
"We will talk when I'm done with my session."
Lily's shrill voice even hurt my ears. "Mom!"
Madame Grey sharply inhaled. "I will be in your dorm in one minute. Be there."
They sounded so much like each other, I practically saw Lily in Madame Grey. Or did I see Madame Grey in Lily?
"Carly, I'm sorry I will have to leave the session for a moment." Madame Grey said to me as she headed out the door. "Stay right here, I'll be right back."
As soon as she left the room and closed the door behind her, I took my chance. I hurried over to her desk and shuffled through the drawers.
Caitlin Gillies.
Pathological Liar. Sessions a week: 3, counseling a week: 2.
I frowned. The rest of her file just talked about all her meetings and sessions and classes.
I flipped to the next one.
Kristina Glass
Don't know her - oh wait, she's in my Humanities class! Oh poor girl, she's anti-social.
Wait a minute...then why is she always asking me for my number?
I flipped to the next one.
Alexandra Grande
I couldn't read the file. Ally's story already made me sad.
Lillian Grey.
I smirked as I pulled out the file. I scanned her papers and frowned. There was nothing important...
...except for her application file.
Name (First, middle, last):
Lillian Marie Grey.
D.O.B:
July 16th
Reason for Application -
Lily suffers from -
Oh.
My.
God.
I heard Madame Grey's loud heels hurrying back to the office so I quickly slammed the file back into the drawer, slammed the drawer back into the desk, and slammed my butt onto the couch.
Madame Grey walked back in .9 seconds later. "Sorry about that, Carly. Where were we?"
The session bell timer dinged.
"Oh I was just leaving."
"You bitch."
I smirked as I stopped walking, not facing the familiar voice from behind me. "Is that what they told you?"
"What?" Lily's sharp tone dropped and confusion came into place. "What are you talking about?"
I slowly turned around, the smirk still on my face and laced on my best sultry Lily voice. "I know everything, Lily. I know as much about you as you know about me."
Lily's delicate features etched into a dangerous frown and she asked slowly, "How?"
"I read your file." I said so sweetly, even I tried not to suffocate.
If time could reach out it's evil hands and choke me, the expression on Lily's face had killed me first.
She froze, her blue eyes turning black, and her little pink lips pursing together. She started to open her mouth but hesitated.
"What are they saying now," I asked Lily before dropping the final blow, "schizo?"
Lily seriously looked like she wanted to murder me and the sultry tone was long gone from her voice. "You really are a bitch."
"Learned from the best."
"Best friend?" Lily tried to fire back, but her fire had long blown out when I read her file. "The one that I constantly remind you of?"
"Probably." I shrugged indifferently. "But I was referring to you."
"You won't tell anyone." Lily threatened, taking a step toward me.
"I will tell everyone." I threatened suddenly finding my confidence, taking a step toward her. "Unless you promise me something."
"Are you threatening me?"
"I'm offering you a deal." I corrected her with a smile. "I keep your secrets, you keep mine."
"What? That you're relapsing? Oh please, everybody knows that, except for my blind mother, perhaps."
"You keep covering for me. You keep letting me use your keys and car -"
She scoffed. "That's not gonna happen."
"And I won't tell anyone that you're schizophrenic and in your spare time, you hook up with the boys on the boy campus."
Lily ran her fingers through her hair. "You are threatening me."
"Call it what you want."
I looked at Sam, my eyes getting big. I pulled her into the janitor's closet next to us. "You have to promise me Sam, you won't tell anyone. Not even Freddie. Nobody. Please, Sam. Don't tell."
Sam studied my face, my pathetic pleading face drowning into her delicate features. She was silent. Her lips were tightly shut. Her eyes gave away no emotions. She finally blinked after a minute and she sighed. She raised her index finger to me and wiggled it around.
"I'll keep your secret if you keep mine," She said her index finger dancing in the air.
I raised my eyebrows. "Your secret?"
Sam nodded. She didn't say anything as she pressed her ear to the janitor's closet. She grabbed my hand and pulled us both out of there and up the stairwell. She pulled me along, looking both ways every few seconds, and she stopped when we were finally alone at our lockers.
"I'm like you, Carly. I don't want to be fat. But, unlike you, food is my worst enemy. And my best friend. I can't stop eating, it's an addiction. So at night, when nobody's awake- not even you- I take my little friend here," Sam showed me her index finger again, "and shove it down my throat. All the fat and calories come up like they were never in my body."
I stared at Sam, unable to process what she was telling me.
Lily narrowed her eyes and hesitated. She inhaled a deep breath and clenched her fists. "Fine. You wanna play dirty? We can play dirty."
"Call it -"
"What you want. Yeah, whatever." Since when had I become so predictable? She sighed and rolled her eyes. "Fine. You can do whatever you want and I'll keep quiet. But deal's off when you get yourself fucked over again. Got it?"
"No, no, honey." I shook my head, my good mood pouring back into me. "I'll do whatever I want and you'll keep quiet, until I tell you not to. Got it?"
She gave me the nastiest glare I'd ever encountered in my life but I stood my ground. I reminded myself I was the one in power here.
She exhaled. "Funny. Feels like I'm making a deal with the devil."
xemtlenc - Thanks for letting me know the ghost of Sam part wasn't really clear! Yes, it's more of Carly's trauma than it is that the ghost of Sam exists. I do hope it comes across that Carly does actually see Sam when she's in the story, but Sam's not a physical being, per se. In a couple chapters, everything is going to be explained and there's going to be a twist that hopefully you don't see coming :)
Which brings me to the fact that there are actually only three more chapters left! Thanks to everyone who continues to read this story, despite it's darkness and awkward plot lines. I'm really excited to bring this three year project to a close and begin something new :)
