When I awake, I'm startled. I'm not very used to waking up to an arm around my abdomen or a foot curled next to mine. Your breathing is slow and even: still asleep. I turn to face you. Your mouth is slightly open, your hair disheveled, sticking up in places, eyelashes lightly touch your face. Hand is curling around the blankets. I sigh.
You're beautiful.
And I'm overwhelmed again. Perhaps more so than during sex. This is quite certainly the most intimate I've ever been with anyone. Sleeping next to them, limbs falling over each other's, and yet still content. I've forgotten how to breathe.
I move off the bed, quickly but quietly so as not to wake you. I put on all of my clothing from the night before, and then leave your bedroom.
I wonder if you expect to wake up to me as I woke up to you, to see that small miracle in progress. I'm so sorry John, you've frightened me.
I go downstairs, into the kitchen, and open my laptop. Distractions, distractions, things I used to be good at!
But it's too late, because I've woken him.
John walks down the stairs in only his boxers and stares at me from the last step.
"Good morning," he says, mouth open a bit, his eyebrows furrowing ever so slightly. He's trying to decide: am I going to be happy about last night or am I trying to forget it ever happened?
It's funny, because I wondered the exact same thing when you fell asleep with your head on my chest last night.
I breathe a sigh of relief. I want to run towards you and hold you and run away all at the same time. Is this what love feels like? The complete unknowing?
That's different.
"Morning," I say, and it comes out in almost a whisper.
You leave the last step, and walk towards me.
"Are you okay?"
I haven't cried in an extremely long time and do not wish to now but am on the edge of feeling the need to.
"I'm scared," I say.
You sit down next to me, then put a hand on my shoulder, delicately. You don't want to scare me anymore.
"Of me?"
"Yes."
I can feel myself wringing my hands together. You stop me, put a hand over mine.
"It's insane, isn't it? Love, and sex…" your mouth is near my ear. Your forehead leans against my face. I close my eyes. "But it's going to be alright. So long as you trust me. You do trust me, don't you?"
Oh, John. That piercing blue. You shoot men without a second thought for me, put your life on the line every time we leave the house.
"Of course."
"And I understand. I'm the first. And I've been the first for a long time. God, it has been a long time, hasn't it? We're both so daft. But it just proves it more you know…proves that we won't do anything to ruin what we have. We were so careful. We took so many risks every single day. And not once did we look at the big picture…"
You're talking to yourself now more than you're talking to me. You lace your fingers with mine. Perhaps there is more to this than chemicals. Perhaps my calculations were wrong.
"What will you tell Mary?" I ask.
"The truth, there is nothing else to tell."
You kiss my cheek.
"I will not let you go now, I hope you know that."
"Good."
/
John left to go to Mary's house for the last time. He took the ring with him. I do feel for her, I wish her all the happiness in the world. She was smarter than the two of us combined. I hope she will not resent me, but somehow I already know she won't. She's too kind, too forgiving, too clever. Without her, I'd be destined to never know this true and final joy. For that, I'll never forget her.
/
John walks through the door, he is tired.
"How did it go?" I ask.
"As well as it could have gone. But, she understood so well. There wasn't much explaining to do, since she already knew everything."
I nod. He still cared for her, regardless of his feelings for me.
"Will you miss her?" I ask.
"Well…I suppose I will. But, it'll be nothing. I went through three years of thinking you were dead. I won't miss Mary even an ounce of that. And it doesn't really matter anyway. I've got you."
John turns and looks at me, gives me a smile. Then he comes towards me and leaves a kiss on my lips. It was all so stupid, this waiting, avoiding, stepping on eggshells when the eggshells didn't even exist. I didn't think I could ever be this happy. But I am.
