Chapter 12 - Who Am I?

Masamune sat on the cold hard floor, shocked by what he had just read. It felt as if the world around him was starting to crumble. And he couldn't do anything about it.

The man that Masamune had grown up with, the man he called his dad, the man he looked up to as a little boy, the man he loved, wasn't even his biological father. Masamune used to cling to the memories of his past, like when he and his father were actually close, but now it felt like none of those things even mattered. Did his dad even love him all these years? Was he only nice to Masamune because he felt bad about the boys situation with his real father? Everything felt so unreal.

Masamune felt like he was gonna pass out. How could his mother keep something like this from him for so many years?

Masamune felt sick. He didn't know what to do. He pulled his knees up to his chest and could feel his heart pounding like a hammer against cloth. He couldn't breathe and his arms felt stiff. He was having an anxiety attack. He sat there panicking, trying to think of a way to calm down. He stayed glued to his spot, breathing heavily. He then started to feel around his pockets. He reached in and took out his cellphone. He stared at the glowing screen for a while until he finally went into his contacts. Without even thinking, he chose the one person he truly wanted in that moment. He placed the phone to his ear and listened to the unbearably loud ringing, waiting for an answer.

Ritsu was sprawled out on his bed. It was already mid afternoon, yet the brunette was softly sleeping. After he had told his mom that he was going to try to catch up on his sleep after having that dream, he went up stairs and passed out as soon as he hit the covers. Since then he has been asleep. He lied there, skin glowing in the warm light of the sun.

The peaceful silence, however, was interrupted by the loud vibrating of Ritsu's cellphone on his nightstand. Ritsu's eyes fluttered open, adjusting to the afternoon light. He reached over and read the screen on the front of the phone. He smiled softly as he read his senpai's name. He flipped the phone open.

"Hey senpai" said Ritsu happily.

"Can you come over?"

Ritsu automatically sat up. Something was wrong. The tone in his senpai's voice was different, frantic. Ritsu became worried.

"What's wrong senpai? Is everything okay?" Ritsu asked , scared of the response.

"I just really need you right now"

Ritsu 's eyes widened and his heart started to race. "Now is not the time to be getting flustered" Ritsu scolded himself internally.

"I'm on my way!" Said ritsu, shutting his phone quickly

He got out of bed and started shuffling through his things. He grabbed a pair of jeans and a green baseball tee from off the floor and threw them on. He shoved his phone into his pocket and made his way downstairs.

Ryoko was in the living room folding clothes as she heard footsteps dashing down the stairs. she turned around and saw Ritsu run past her. She got up, thoroughly confused, to see where her son was headed to in such a rush.

"Hey hey hey, where's the fire?" She asked her son

"Sorry mom, senpai called me a few minutes ago and it sounded like something was wrong. I'm gonna go see him." Said ritsu, slightly out of breath. He was in the genkan , fumbling to get his shoes on.

"Is he okay? Should I come too?"

"Nah it's okay mom, if something really is wrong I think it would throw him off of you showed up too, since he doesn't know you."

"That's true"

"Sorry mom, I'm in a hurry. I gotta go!"

He said bye to his mom and does out the door.

"I hope everything's okay" Ryoko said, standing in the doorway.

Ritsu ran, the soles of his Converse slamming against the concrete. It felt as if it was taking forever to get to Sagas house. Nothing but worried thoughts flashed through Ritsu s mind as he made his way to senpai's place. Soon he recognized the corner street and the turn. He rounded the corner and found himself in front of his senpai's home. He quickly opened the small metal gate and walked up to the door. He was about to knock, worried that his parents might be home, but then he shook his head. He didn't care if senpai's parents were home, he had to see him. He pushed the door open and stood in the entry way. He looked around first and then called out to his senpai.

"Hello! Senpai! Are you here?!" Ritsu shouted

He waited for a response but heard nothing.

Masamune was still sitting in the office, knees against his chest. His eyes were shut right and the silence was deafening. The the heavy layer of silence was torn when he heard a familiar voice call out to him. He recognized Ritsu's voice. He wanted to answer but for some reason he couldn't muster up his voice.

"Senpai! I'm coming up, okay!" Shouted Ritsu

He was making his way up the stairs. When he got to the top he looked around wondering where to start looking. One door was completely open. Ritsu peered into the room. It was a normal bedroom, with nobody in it. The door across the way was closed, he looked in and it was another empty bedroom, but this one was especially barre, a guest room probably. Then there was a bathroom, no one in it. Ritsu was starting to get worried, he couldn't find Sagas anywhere. Ritsu looked to the end of the hall and noticed another room with the door just slightly open. He walked up to it and spoke from the outside

"Senpai?"

Ritsu pushed the door open and saw Saga sitting in the center of the room. Ritsu quickly walked to him and crouched down on the floor.

"Are you okay? What's wrong?" He asked, voice riddled with concern.

Sagas eyes slowly opened to look at his kouhai. He could feel his heartbeat start to calm as he looked at Ritsu. He felt safe now. He wanted to get lost in those emerald pools of green. He wanted to be away from where he was.

"What happened? I need you to tell me what happened. You can tell me anything, you know that."

Saga stared at his kouhai for a moment before finally deciding to explain the situation he was in. Ritsu sat in front of him, worry written all over his face. Saga let out a deep and shaky sigh.

"I was looking through some old stuff from like my childhood, and I found this box full of my mom's stuff. She had normal pictures in there but then there was this weird one with her as some man I've never seen before. Then I found this journal, it had a bunch of entries from my mom but there was one that was written as a letter. She was writing to some man named Hideyuki, and telling all this stuff about me growing up and going to school, and how my dad and I got along well. And..."

Ritsu could feel this growing pit in his stomach. He had a feeling he knew what his senpai was going to say, but he was afraid that he really WOULD say it.

"My dad, the one I grew up with, isn't even my real dad."

Masamune words came out almost in a whisper, but that didn't make the pain and hurt within those words any less.

"And my mom...She kept that from me. For years she's just been acting as if everything is just normal. It's so fucked up!" , exclaimed Masamune.

Ritsu was so heart broken for his senpai. Seeing Saga like this, hurt beyond belief, just tore Ritsu apart to no end.

"Maybe that's why they're so unhappy, because of me. Because I'm just some illegitimate child, never wanted. They probably hate the fact that they have to raise me, especially my dad. Imagine how he feels, having to raise a kid that's not even his."

Masamune out his face in his palms and mumbled one last statement.

"Who even am i? I don't belong anywhere."

Ritsu had been pretty silent the whole time, listening to every word his senpai I had to say. But that last statement sent Ritsu over the edge.

"Don't say that!" Shouted Ritsu, his voice quivering

Masamune looked up at his kouhai and noticed the younger boys eyes were full of tears.

"Don't you ever say that Senpai"

"You are so unbelievably special and amazing!" Ritsu said, wiping away the years

" I feel worthless now, like I'm out of place. " said Masamune

Ritsu moved forward and cupped his senpai's cheeks

"You listen to me. Just because this happened, just because your parents made mistakes, didn't change anything about you. You are still you. You are still the smart and kind boy I met in that book store. Nothing has changed. So what if you and your dad aren't blood related!? That doesn't make you any less of a person. Oh senpai if only you knew how important you really are"

Masamune's eyes over flowed with tears. The two boys looked into each other's eyes, and Ritsu brought Masamune into a tight embrace, placing his hand behind his senpai's head. Masamune could feel Ritsu's warmth radiating into him. Masamune laid his head against Ritsu's shoulder, letting his tears fall against his kouhai's t-shirt.

"Thank you" whispered Masamune. It was almost inaudible

Ritsu hugged his senpai tighter. He never wanted to let go. He wanted to protect Masamune with everything that he had.

After a few minutes of silence, Masamune spoke up

"Will you stay here with me tonight?"

Ritsu began to blush furiously, although, he couldn't really figure out why.

The two boys gently pulled away from each other, Masamune looking expectantly at his kouhai.

"Okay" said Ritsu

The night had fallen. The two boys lay in Masamunes bed. Both facing each other. They had spent the last hour or so just laying there, talking about this and that. Masamune eyes were puffy and it became increasingly difficult for him to stay awake. Eventually Masamune drifted off to sleep, leaving Ritsu to watch him sleep.

Ritsu carefully examined his senpai's face. He mentally traced out his senpai's nose, eyes, lips. He noticed how unbelievably long his black eyelashes were.

"My god, he's so beautiful" Ritsu thought to himself

Ritsu had been battling with his confusing feelings for his senpai for a while now. He didn't know what to do. He had never felt this way about anyone in his entire life. Every time he thought about him, his heart would race, his stomach would feel light and his cheeks turned rosy red.

Ritsu began to blush just at the thought of it

He cared about his senpai so much, more than you could ever imagine.

Ritsu was so confused. He brought he hand to rest against his chest, feeling his pounding heartbeat.

"What am I going to do?" Ritsu whispered softly to himself.