The Dark and the Light
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Helga's POV
I am going to call my dad. Arnold is right, I can't keep living in the past anymore. I have to do this, for Frankie as much as myself.
I punch in the familiar number slowly into my cell phone. After these many years I'm pretty sure that number is still the same.
I imagine the phone ringing in that old dingy living room. I imagine my father staring aimlessly at the television screen, interrupted by the ringing of the phone. I envision him shouting a curse and getting up to answer it.
"Hello?" It's him. It's my father. I pause, unable to respond.
"Hello?! Is this the prank phone callers again," He says, sounding agitated.
"No, dad, it's me, Helga," I say.
He pauses. I almost think he's hung up.
"Helga? Is that really you?" I hear him say.
"Yes, it's me," I say.
"How is…Frankie?" He says after another long pause.
"She's…" I feel a strong urge to lie to him. To tell him that she is fine. That part of me still wants to hold onto the past. To tell him that I don't need him. To tell him what a terrible person he is. "She is not well, dad. She's really sick," I finally say, resisting my dark side. Life is about choices, and I have to make good ones even when other people don't.
He remains silent so I continue. "She wants to see you," I say.
"When…can I see her?" He asks. I sigh, running my hands through my hair.
"I guess tomorrow morning will be ok," I say.
I give him her room number and tell him which hospital she's at and hang up. Arnold is still sitting beside me.
"You need to tell him how you feel. You need to be honest with him," Arnold says, wrapping his arm back around me. I know he is right, but why does it feel so wrong?
"I still don't want to forgive him," I say.
Today has been one of the worst days of my life. My daughter is very ill. The doctors, including Phoebe, keep telling me that there is a good chance she won't make it. I thought I didn't have any tears left to cry, but I was wrong. Now I can barely keep from crying again. The very idea of losing my child kills me. I think I would die without her. The same daughter my stupid father wanted nothing to do with nine years ago.
"I know, but you have to," he whispers to me. His voice soothes my tired soul. For many years of my youth I resisted his wisdom and advice, but now I crave it. I desire his attention and his comforting arms. I feel like he understands me.
…
I sit alone now, taking everything in. It's dark in my apartment and a single lamp is lit in the corner. I feel so far away and the reality feels so heavy on my shoulders. Frankie insisted that I leave for the night, and Arnold thought I might need the rest. Criminy, like I could sleep anyway. I can't lose her. She is my world.
One part of me says to remain calm, the other says to scream in anger. My good side wants me to cling to every ounce of hope, the dark side wants me to throw it all away.
The conflict weighs heavily on me. Emotion rising in my spirit, I come to the only conclusion I can come to. My daughter could die very soon, and there is nothing I can do about it.
I lower my shoulders and bury my face in my hands. The tears stream out, yet again, like a faucet I can't manage to shut off. Suddenly, I scream, throwing my school books and computer to the floor, falling down along with them. How can this be happening to me!? All I ever wanted was give her the best I could, but now it all means nothing. I was so close and now it's all falling apart. How can I go on?
I want to be at her side right now, but she refused. Frankie told me to go home. She told me to get some rest, but I know I won't. I will never sleep again until she is better. She will get better. She has to.
My manuscript is sitting in the corner, ready to head back to the publisher and my school and work schedule hangs on the wall, but I don't care anymore. I hate it with every part of me.
The dark side overtakes me, as it always seems to do.
…
The next morning, I am sitting in Frankie's hospital room. It's about 7:00 now, and I am holding her hand. She is hooked up to oxygen and she is very pale. They start drug therapy this afternoon, but I know this will only make her weaker. I try to stay calm, but I can't. My father will be here soon, and then I will have to deal with him too. I'm not sure I can manage.
"Hey," I hear Arnold's voice behind me. He had agreed to meet me here this morning, but I must have forgotten.
"Hey," I whisper back. Frankie is still asleep, but I suddenly see her stir.
"Hey Arnold," Frankie says quietly, waking up. He smiles at her. "Good morning!" He says, cheerfully to her. I know he is being strong for her.
"I'm hungry," she states.
"I know, but the doctor says that you can't have anything to eat until after therapy," I say to my daughter.
She groans unhappily.
I hear a knock at the door. Instantly I feel my heart start to pound in my chest. I don't want to answer it.
"Frankie, there is someone here to see you," Arnold says, speaking for me.
She perks up a little bit and I open the door. It's my father. He is wearing his infamous green polo with the beeper crown emblem. Our eyes meet and I usher him inside. Immediately he walks over to Frankie.
"Hi, Frankie," he says. He kneels down next to her bed.
"Hi," she whispers back to him, staring at him intently. "You are my grandpa, aren't you," there was a certainty in her voice.
"Yes, I suppose I am," he says, chuckling. Suddenly he grows more serious. "I know I was never around before, but how would you like to see me more now?" he asks her quietly.
"I would like that," Frankie says, smiling. I stare at them, wondering how this happened. My dark side hates it, but my good side wants it to continue.
….
We stand in the hall, alone together for the first time in God knows how long.
"I'm sorry, Helga," he says, looking at me. I feel shocked. I didn't expect such humble words out of Big Bob Pataki.
"I'm…sorry too," I reply, rubbing my arm. "I shouldn't have said such nasty things about you the other day,"
"No, you should have," He says. His voice cracks a little bit. "I've made a lot of bad decisions. I thought that if I could just build a big enough kingdom and earn enough money I could fix everything. I figured out the hard way that I couldn't,"
"All I ever wanted was for you to pay attention to me. To help me with my homework and to tell me that you loved me," I say, looking at him. I feel the familiar burning sensation of tears in my eye. I blink it away.
"I know that now,"
He holds my hands and I see the struggle in his eyes. "And I know…I wasn't really there for you when you needed me, and after your mom died, I was just so…bitter. I should have never said those things about you when you came to me for help with Frankie," he says.
Not sure how to respond, I fight the tears again. "I just wanted to be more to you than some sort of trophy. I wanted to be worth more than a beeper,"
He sheds a tear, "You were always more to me than some stupid pager. I was such an idiot not to tell you more. I just want to have a chance to not make the same mistakes I made with you and Olga with Frankie," he says. Suddenly I feel him draw me into an embrace. I cry. This was what I wanted to hear for my entire life. All I ever wanted was to be loved by him. To be loved by my family. To feel like I belonged somewhere special. We are both broken, slowly starting to heal. If only it hadn't taken a world of hurt and pain to bring us together.
"Ms. Pataki?" a voice interrupts. It the nurse.
"Yes?" I ask. I wonder if it's about Frankie.
"There's a phone call from the police station," she says. That's odd, why would they be calling me? I don't get it.
"Ms. Pataki, I have some bad news for you," I hold my breath and my heart slowly sinks in my chest. "Alphonse Scheck escaped from prison last night,"
To be honest, I don't even know where this story is going right now! Let me know if you have any suggestions!
