Inspired by The Day of Black Sun when Zuko makes his decision to leave the Fire Nation and join the Avatar. Also includes references to The Avatar and The Firelord & Nightmares and Daydreams
Recap of episodes for those who may not remember: Zuko reads the scroll that Uncle gave him and realizes that Avatar Roku is his great grandfather and that he was best friends with his other great grandfather Sozin. He confronts Uncle in prison and Uncle gives him a hairpiece, a Fire Nation royal artifact that is to be worn by the Crown Prince. He attends a war meeting where his father and Azula decides to burn down Ba Sing Se on the Day of Sozin's Comet. He realizes his true destiny is to train Aang in firebending and stands up to his father and leaves home.
Note, entire paragraphs/lines in Italics in this chapter symbolize items that Zuko is reading. Also note, this is not random Zuko/Mai action, I'm just acknowledging the fact that they are actually together in these episodes.
Zuko
I have everything I've ever wanted - servants offering me things all day long, my father's acceptance... Mai.
But why is it not as satisfying as I thought it would be?! I don't want most of the things the servants offer me and I can't even walk to Mai's house, which is right across the street! I know I should be grateful that my life is so comfortable now compared to living on the road with Uncle but I'm not.
And I have changed as well.
I think back about that one line from the stupid not-so-secret history Uncle tricked me into reading. Again, I wonder how I've changed since I left (or, more accurately, was banished from) home over three years ago.
I tried to talk to Mai about it on our way home but she wasn't very comforting. Just like she wasn't very comforting when I tried to talk to her about the war meeting. She's just so blah about everything (except fruit tarts I suppose). I guess I should be more appreciative of her attempts to cheer me up but her suggested distractions don't help in solving any of my problems!
I guess she wouldn't understand.
Or, maybe she's right. Maybe I shouldn't care so much about these things. But, if I'm going to be the Fire Lord one day, I need to care about them!
I look at the hairpiece Uncle gave me a few days ago.
Maybe Uncle's right. Ever since Ba Sing Se, there really have been two pretty distinct parts of myself who actually do seem to be at war within me.
Before Ba Sing Se, I was so sure of my destiny - to regain my honor and to help my father finish this war. But now, now that I have everything I was so sure I wanted, I'm not so sure it's right.
I mean, if this is my destiny, why does it feel so wrong?!
Ugh, why am I even thinking about this? My father was pleased by my insight at the war meeting yesterday. But, like I told Mai, it's not like I was able to speak my mind at all. It's not like I was really me. And I bet if I did speak my mind father would have banished me (if not something worse) all over again!
Maybe Mai's right, I shouldn't have gone.
But...
If the 'Perfect Prince' isn't me, then what is? Who am I?
I think about Avatar Roku being my great grandfather and his friendship with my other great grandfather, Sozin.
Maybe Aang and I could be friends...
No, I push the thought out of my mind. I'm just confused. I belong here.
But, despite the fact that father had believed Azula's story and even let me sit at his right hand at the war meeting, a part of me still feels like his view of me hasn't really changed. Why do I still feel like he sees me as his useless, no good, son who he doesn't trust with anything? It's as if even killing the Avatar (which I didn't actually do) isn't good enough for him! I wonder if there's anything I could ever do that would ever make me good enough for him?
I wonder if there's anything I could ever do to make him actually love me?
Maybe it's all in my head. Maybe he does love me and I'm just letting the hurt from my past haunt me again.
Though, either way, I still don't feel like I belong here. And I can't seem to figure out if I love or hate anything (or anyone) around here! Except Mai, of course, who I don't hate. But, besides her, I don't even know if I love or hate my own sister, my own father, or even my own uncle!
And Mai, even though I know I don't hate her, I feel like she doesn't really get me. It's obvious when I talk to her. Though, it is sweet of her to try and help me get my mind off things. But, let's be honest here, fruit tarts and rides around town aren't going to cut it for me. And, while it is nice to be able to take a break from all this confusion inside of me, I can't just ignore it forever.
Maybe I don't belong here?
I wish there was someone I could actually talk, someone who would actually understand me.
Perhaps I have changed too much in my travels with Uncle for anyone here to actually understand me. Ugh, I miss Uncle and...
I catch myself before I even think her name.
Life is Ba Sing Se is such a distant memory that it feels weird to think that I actually lived there; that there was a time in my life when I wasn't so totally confused and angry; that there was a time in my life when I was actually happy.
Maybe it wasn't even real. Maybe it was just a dream and that I didn't actually live there with Uncle and that I didn't actually betray him and that he isn't really in prison and that...
Again, I don't let myself think about her. Since I left Ba Sing Se, I haven't let myself think about her because I'd probably go crazy if I did.
It was all just a dream, I tell myself.
But... Uncle's in jail now and...
And they both hate me (and rightfully so I guess). Maybe they're right in hating me. Maybe I am just a horrible traitor who deserves to be tormented in hell forever! Not that either of them actually said that to me but the disappointment in Uncle's eyes every time I see him in that cell and the conviction in her eyes that night when she told me she hates me, makes it pretty clear that they would both probably be pretty happy to see me burn in hell.
And, here I am... burning.
I pick up the letter Uncle had given me with the hairpiece. I've been avoiding reading it until now but, I wonder, what did Uncle write? It's probably pretty important since it's not like him to write me letters. Maybe it will help me figure this out.
I open it and begin to read:
Dear Zee,
I look up from the letter a bit shocked. This letter is not from Uncle. There's only one person in the world who calls me 'Zee.' Plus, Uncle's hand writing isn't nearly as neat.
I continue to read:
I'm really sorry that I told you I 'hate' you yesterday. The truth is, I don't hate you. I was just so confused and hurt about what your grandfather did to my mother and about what your father did to Uncle Iroh and Lu Ten that I blamed you for it. I know it's not fair for me to blame you since it's not like you did either of those things but I was so overwhelmed with emotion that I wasn't thinking straight.
I realize now that I can't assume that you are an evil person just because your father and your grandfather did horrible things. And, for all I know, they may not actually be as evil as I think they are either. I'm sure that everyone has their reasons for the things that they do, or are driven to do; and that no one is truly and completely 'evil.'
Anyways, whether your father and grandfather are evil or not, I know that you certainly are not. And, having spent the last couple months with you, I'm sure of it.
I know a couple months is not a long time but I want you to know that meeting you has changed my life. I'm really grateful that I have found someone who I can actually talk to, confide in, and who I can honestly call my 'best friend.'
I'm sorry if my words hurt you and I hope you'll give me a chance to make it up to you.
I'm on my way to where Uncle tells me Dad is now. I can't wait to see you when I get back to Ba Sing Se!
Love,
Sunny
I read the letter again and again until I could practically memorize it.
Why didn't I open this earlier!? And how did Uncle get a hold of this letter... ?
I think back about how pretty she was that night in the countryside, about how much fun we had working at the tea shop together, and about all the things I wanted to tell her but didn't. I regret not telling her everything when I had the chance. I'm sure she would have been able to understand.
Out of all the people in the world, I feel like she's the only person who could probably actually understand me. I think about her eyes and... her kiss. All the memories that I had suppressed since that night - the night she was crying in my arms - come rushing back.
It was real.
I did live in Ba Sing Se and I can't... no, I won't let Azula and father burn it down! I think about Uncle's tea shop and our apartment, General How's house and the countryside, and Sunny. Before coming home, I wanted so much to stay in Ba Sing Se and make sure Sunny was safe. Even though I was convinced she hated me, I still didn't want anything to happen to her. But, when I saw them put Uncle on the ship, I had to get on.
I'm so ashamed of what I did... of how I betrayed Uncle after everything he's done for me.
The thought of father burning down Ba Sing Se makes me angry. But it's not the type of anger that I'm used to. Instead, it feels like a strong conviction in my heart, like I know for sure that it is wrong and that I can't let it happen. How could he just burn down a whole city full of innocent people?! How is that 'spreading the glory of the Fire Nation' in any way?! It doesn't make any sense. Suddenly, I feel ashamed of my family and the evil that they did and are planning to do.
Uncle says that I have the power to restore honor to my family...
I am certain now of what I have to do.
I will not let them burn down that city, her city (and probably her with it).
But... what about Mai? I think about how sad she's going to be for a moment and feel bad. But I have no choice. I can't let my guilt about Mai hold me back from my destiny.
I draft an apology letter to her and leave it on her desk.
I pack my things - the letter from Sunny, a picture of Uncle, and my mother's necklace.
I'm ready now.
I am ready to embrace my destiny and help the Avatar restore balance to the world.
