Live to Rise
Chapter Twelve
After the Avengers had arrived back at the tower, Bruce and Natasha finally finished re-bandaging Clint's wounds. Despite the archer's protests, the two eventually managed to convince him to lie down and try to get some sleep for the rest of the night so that the newest medication Bruce gave him could begin to do its job.
Clint wasn't really in the talking mood, so after the rest of the group finished explaining to him what was left of their theory, they left the room to give him and Natasha some privacy and went to bed. Once he finally fell asleep, she went to lie down in her own quarters, the next room over. However, Bruce didn't join the rest of them. Instead, he stayed up in the main room to look over the notes he had made from the last time he treated Clint six months ago, while comparing them to the ones he was working to write up now in order to give them to S.H.I.E.L.D.
As he did so, the doctor noticed that there was something unusual or complex about the man he hardly knew, but wanted to get to know if only he would just let the rest of the team in. Clint showed signs of a man that didn't care whether he lived or died as long as he died protecting those that he cared about. He was practically suicidal on his missions, the scars Bruce found across the archer's body showed that, but at the same time, Clint always survived. Bruce realized that Clint was stuck deep inside his own personal war. His subconscious mind was determined to fight for his survival, but his heart was on the brink of giving everything up and if Natasha and Steve hadn't found him when they had, his heart would have won out fairly soon.
It was then that JARVIS spoke up saying, "Forgive my interruption, Dr. Banner, but you asked me to inform you if I sensed there was anything wrong with Agent Barton."
Bruce stood up from his chair and began to move toward Clint's room once again as he asked, "What is it, JARVIS?"
"He is no longer in his room, but appears to be sleep walking through the halls, as if in some sort of trance," the A.I. replied. "Shall I wake the others, including Miss. Romanoff?"
"No, I think I should probably handle this myself," Bruce answered as he quickened his pace. "I've seen this kind of thing before in patients who have been through something traumatic."
JARVIS spoke up again as he said, "Agent Barton doesn't seem to be your typical patient."
Bruce responded, "No, he does not."
By the time the doctor finally found him, thanks to help from Stark's A.I., he had made it up to the roof, which made sense since it was the most familiar place to the archer as he spent more time there than any place else. When Dr. Banner arrived, Clint's back was to him and Bruce slowly began to move toward him, afraid to frighten the man as he was approaching the ledge.
"Agent… Clint, can you hear me?" the doctor called out softly. "It's me, Bruce. I want to help you, but I need you to wake up. You're safe. Loki is no longer here to take over your mind. You're in control, not him. Just fight…"
All of a sudden, Clint turned around in a frightening speed just as a knife flew past Bruce's head and buried itself into the door directly behind him. Bruce stared briefly at the knife in surprise and relief, and then turned back to the archer as Clint was shaking his head and the doctor could see that he was finally coming around.
"Doc?" Clint spoke softly as he looked at Bruce in shock of what he had just done. "I didn't… I couldn't… I'm sorry."
Bruce quickly replied, "It's okay. It wasn't your fault. Are you back with me?"
Clint nodded as he answered, "I'm fine."
"Actually, you're not," Bruce responded. "Far from it actually, which is why I'm surprised that you've been functioning as well as you have been while you're awake. What we're you seeing when you threw that knife at me?"
"No offense, Doctor, but you're not a shrink and you really don't want to know what's going on in my head," Clint replied as he started to move past Bruce in order to leave the roof. "Thank you, for waking me up. I told you I shouldn't have allowed myself to fall asleep."
Bruce put his arm out to block him and answered, "You should have told me that this was going on. If I had known, I could have given you something to keep the dreams at bay. You need sleep. How long do you actually think you can keep on going like this?"
Clint responded, "I've been doing fine so far. The dreams aren't usually this bad. I'll be all right."
"Not if you don't talk to someone," Bruce replied almost forcefully. "Look, I get that you don't want to talk with Natasha because she's your partner and she's also the woman you're in love with, but if not her, then why not talk to me. I know a thing or two about what you're going through. If there's any part of you that believes you deserve to live, then let me help you, as your friend."
"Do you remember the things you do when you become the Hulk?" Clint asked as he finally turned around to look at Dr. Banner. "I mean, do you remember the things you did before you came to accept him?"
Bruce turned around and together they walked back down toward the main room once again as he answered, "No, I can't, but when I would find out afterwards, from the people that were around, I was just as upset with myself as you are. I even tried to kill myself, although a little less subtlety as you. When that didn't work, I found ways to get help and I immersed myself with trying to save as many lives as I could. Though I don't always agree with how S.H.I.E.L.D. works, working with the Avengers is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Something tells me, it can be that for you too if you let us in."
As they made it back to the main room Clint took a seat on the couch and responded, "Loki isn't all I see when I close my eyes. I remember everything. I can remember taking a shot at Fury, telling Loki to kill man for his eyeball, hitting the button to blow a hole through the helicarrier. I've watched the security footage from the attacks, despite Stark's objections. I see Coulson and the others dying, just as I see myself killing Natasha. I know what I've done and I know the terrible things Loki said to Natasha concerning me. I was lucky that she's stronger than I am at hand to hand. For a while, I had my nightmares under control, but they haven't been this bad since the beginning, at least not until several weeks ago. I discovered someone from Natasha's past was looking for her and had plans to kill her, just as he killed her father. I set myself up to be captured by his men just so that I could be taken to their boss so that I could kill him, before he could find her. The threat against her only increased the nightmares and sleepless nights."
"You were brave to stand up against the men who threatened Agent Romanoff, but also very lucky to have escaped," Bruce replied firmly. "Stunts like that are exactly the reasons why we're all concerned, as you could have gotten yourself killed, but we wouldn't be if you would allow us to help you through this. Do you think Natasha would seriously stay if she found out that you had died before we found you?"
Clint answered angrily as he stood up from the couch, "I can't just forget the things I've done and pretend like it didn't happen, whether..."
Bruce interrupted, "Fury told us that he is still alive thanks to you. Instead of taking a head shot like you should have, you shot him in the chest knowing he was wearing his kevlar. The same goes with your fight with Natasha. I believe, we all believe, you held back so that she could save you. You fought against Loki's power the best you could. As for the rest, you were not in control. Loki and his dark magic were."
"Is everything all right?" Natasha asked as she walked into the room just then. "You should be sleeping, Clint."
"I think the two of you need to have a talk," Bruce said as he stood up from his chair to leave. "Tell her everything, Agent Barton. She has a right to know and if there's anyone who can convince you that you're not to blame, it's her; trust her. When you're finally ready to try to get some actual sleep, come and see me in my room. I can give you something to help, as I said I would."
Once Dr. Banner left, Natasha slowly took a seat beside him on the couch and gently put her hand over the dark bruise across his cheek bone as she asked again, "What's Bruce talking about? You had another nightmare tonight, didn't you; a bad one?"
Clint responded, "There's more to it than that. I guess now's the time for me to explain why I did the things I did recently after all. If I don't, I don't think I'm going to make it and I can't risk you losing yourself because of me."
