Chapter 11
~ Vince ~
I walk into the squad to see Jane and Crowe arguing.
"It wasn't my idea, so get off my back!" he yells at her.
"Give me the files now!" she orders him.
"What's going on?" I ask as I come to stand between them.
"He stole my cases!" she practically yells.
Crowe looks at me in a pleading fashion and then says, "Cavanagh gave them to me, Vince. Rizzoli's got a lot to deal with right now and he asked-."
"I don't give a damn what he asked!" Jane shoots back at him. "They're mine so give them back."
Crowe looks torn. I motion my head toward Jane - a gesture that says to just give the cases to her for now. With a roll of his eyes, he does so. Of course, she grabs them back with a little more force than necessary, almost dropping them. I go for the save and together we walk them back to her desk, precariously balanced in our arms. Once they're safe, I take her by the elbow before she can sit down.
"Walk with me," I tell her.
It's not a command, but it's not a request either. Lucky for me, she comes along without argument. We make my way to Cavanagh's vacant office. Once inside, I close the door behind us.
"What Vince?" she asks, clearly annoyed. "Are you pulling rank on me now?"
"Who are you really angry at right now?" I ask.
The question seems to catch her off guard at first. Then she says, "Crowe and Cavanagh for plotting behind our backs and taking away our cases."
"I think you're mad at Frost," I tell her.
"What are you talking about?" She tries to be evasive, but it's not gonna work. Not on me anyway.
"I think you're mad at Frost," I repeat. "I think you're mad at yourself too. And I think you're taking out your frustration on the nearest people you can find."
"That's bullshit," she says as she starts to leave.
She doesn't get far because I slam the door shut, preventing her escape.
"Okay, let's say you're right. Let's say you're not mad at him. Me? I'm mad as hell at him." I see a flicker of understanding in her eyes. "Yeah, I'm sorry for the guy, but I'm mad at him too, Jane. He left us high and dry. He thought it was better to put a god-damn bullet in his head rather than stick around for us. You might think that's selfish of me, but so be it. HE left US, Jane. He was so blinded by his depression that he left us! And the truth be told, I'm mad at me too. Why didn't I see it? I'm a fucking police sergeant. I've spent over 20 years looking for the truth beneath what people say on the surface. How did I miss something THIS big? So yeah, I'm mad at me too."
I watch her hand fall away from the door as I continue.
"I'm angry that he's made you this upset. I'm pissed because of all the people whose lives he might have helped will never get that help now. I'm angry at the world because, like Maura said, maybe if there wasn't such a stigma, he might have reached out for help. I'm angry for a lot of reasons right now. But again, if you want to just view him as some tragic figure, fine. It is a tragedy. But it's one that HE created for all of us. And yeah, that makes me mad."
She looks like she's near tears. I don't wanna make her cry. I NEED to make her cry – there's a difference.
"I shouldn't be angry at him," she mutters as she looks at the ground.
"But you are, aren't you?" I push.
All she can do is nod.
"Yeah, you should be angry," I tell her. "His actions hurt you - it hurt all of us. But here's the thing: We can't go around hurting the ones who are still here. You can't get mad at Crowe and Cavanagh for taking care of our cases right now. You can't get mad at your mother for trying to give you soup you don't want. You can't shout at Tommie for not picking the right words in front of you. You can't bite off Dr. Isles head for not completely agree with you… All these people love you, Jane. I love you. So if you want to get mad at Frost, do it. You're allowed. But don't drag others into it."
"I'm acting like an ass, huh?"
She gives me a small grin, but I don't return it.
"You're acting like a woman who's grieving. You're hurt and angry. And I'm here to tell you, it's okay to be hurt and angry. Just don't let that anger and pain create more problems in your life. Don't let it blind you to the people who truly love you and are here for you… me include."
She starts to cry and talk at the same time.
"I hate him for it, Vince. I really hate him for just leaving. And I feel terrible for hating him. Ya know?"
I don't care if she ends up fighting me. I go for it. I pull her into an embrace. I'm grateful that she puts her arms around me instead of pushing me away. Truth is, I need this hug too.
"I know," I whisper into her hair and give her a kiss on the crown of her head. "I hate him for it too, but I still love the guy we lost. I think you know what I mean."
She doesn't say a word. She just bobs her head in agreement. After a few moments, she clears her throat and then pulls away. She wipes her eyes and gives a nervous laugh.
"I look pretty pathetic I bet," she says with an unsteady grin.
"No more pathetic than the rest of us. And still better than me on my best day," I tease her.
That makes her chuckle for a second. I go to Sean's desk and grab a tissue for her. She blows her nose and then takes a deep breath before blowing it out slowly.
"I have to tell ya," she says, "admitting that actually felt pretty good. Knowing I'm not the only one that feels that way helps too," she adds.
"Misery really does love company sometimes, Jane. So I'm here for you," I tell her.
She nods and then wipes her eyes and nose again. "I really should go talk to Maura. I've been pretty bitchy with her all day."
"Good," I tell her. "As for Crowe, let me give him the files this week, okay? Next week, once all the funeral business is finished, we'll fight with Cavanaugh for those cases back. You and me – a unified front, whadda ya say?"
I give her a grin, which she returns and then nods.
"Thanks, Vince."
"Anytime," I tell her as I open the door for her. And we both know… I really mean it.
