(A/N: this chapter contains one violent scene. I think it's quite obvious when it's about to happen so you can skim-read madly if you're that way inclined, as I know I sometimes am.)

The journey seems to take hours. Of course, being blind doesn't help. Every corner and pause becomes a potential end and then turns into a false alarm.

And it's not like Ide wants an end to it. His arms ache and his own breathing is hot on his face and he's in complete darkness, enough that blinking makes no difference, but when they get to wherever they're going, this discomfort will be - will be nothing compared to -

No. For what feels like the hundredth time, he yanks his mind away from it. Breathe in. Breathe out. Patches of heat lie on his face but under all of that he's still numb with the chill from the winter air.

Raito must have realised already that the notebook was fake in order to bother taking them prisoner at all. Perhaps he tested it in the woods, found out then, called back-up or something? No, that's stupid, they would have noticed the arrival of that many people. He knew beforehand that his quarry would be there. It had all been too fast, too polished, for their presence not to have been anticipated.

The car halts again, but only for a second. By now it's starting to seem like he's floating in emptiness, like there's nothing but him and the hum of the engine in his ears. No one else in the car is talking, at any rate, and there's no other sound, no music or car horns or anything. Horribly easy to believe things will just stay like this forever, and he's praying for something, anything, to change, for fresh air, to be able to see. No. Breathe in. Breathe out. He wants you to lose it. At least use the time to think straight. Maybe Raito just figured it out. Maybe Mello just underestimated him. It's comfortable to blame Mello for being arrogant, to decide that his pride and impatience was what got him (presumably) killed.

Matsuda had been desperate to say he hadn't done anything. Surely once they were all held at gunpoint, if he was intending to switch sides he wouldn't bother trying to convince Ide he was trustworthy. Unless it had all been engineered, unless Raito had told him to keep up an act in case it was useful - Ide remembers the fingers digging into his arms, the wide, terrified eyes. It couldn't have been an act, Matsuda's not capable of that level of deceit -

You thought he wasn't capable of even thinking of betraying everyone -

He trusts Matsuda - he's sure he can trust him -

If you'd told someone about that first phone call, maybe you wouldn't be completely screwed now. Mello would've worked out what was coming - he would've thought up an alternative - but you couldn't face the evidence right in front of you -

God, if only he could see, there's no way to keep track of your thoughts when they're all you've got to focus on, they keep tangling up with each other. He has to get a grip. Raito will be trying hard enough as it is to knock him off-balance. He wonders how obvious it was that he's the one who interrupted Matsuda's phone call earlier. Whether Raito knows it's him who let them all walk into this. If that is how it happened. And he tries to abandon thinking and focus only on breathing in and breathing out but he keeps wondering and waiting for something to happen -

The car stops again, and this time the engine is silenced.

Oh, god. For one stupid moment he was actually relieved that the journey was going to an end but now that's beaten down by cold horror at what it's probably going to change into. His heart is pounding, so hard every beat hurts. Shit, perhaps Raito already knows where the book is, maybe he's got it and he's written all their names down and they're all going to die with nothing but the dark and the heat of their last few breaths - stop it - stop thinking like this -

The car door is opened and hands wrench him to his feet, shove him forward. Icy air. They're walking fast and he almost trips a couple of times. That and the darkness are making him feel like this is a dream, one of those ones where everything you try and do backfires. The slam of a door, and then sounds feel closer, and the worst of the chill vanishes. More walking. Doors, heavy-sounding, slamming behind him; the smell of disinfectant and old paint. And then eventually he's shoved forward, stumbles against what feels like a bench, is shoved to sit down. He can hear other people's breathing, or maybe it's just his own, in the dark -

The hood is wrenched off and cool air rushes over him. In the split second before the bright light forces his eyes closedhe sees strip lighting, dull white walls, Raito standing there watching them. He blinks, and blinks again, and - carefully, trying not to look too obviously confused, he glances around, trying to take in his surroundings. Aizawa is sitting on his right, glaring at Raito; Matsuda on his left, gazing at the floor. And then next to Matsuda is Mogi, gazing forward, looking tired and untidy - but unhurt at least, and probably no worse than the rest of them look by now. So he's alive and all right but then that's little comfort when he's clearly in as much shit as Ide and the others are.

Glass panels line the wall on the right. Outside are more of Takada's bodyguards, lined up, watching them. And on a desk behind Raito is Ryuk, cross-legged, chewing on an apple like a moviegoer with popcorn.

Raito is looking at them looking around. His eyes are wide, and his gaze can't keep still. The fingers of his left hand are picking at the edge of his suit; the gesture itches to watch. Raito has never been one for nervous habits. Of course, it was the other hand that Matsuda shot. Ide can't see it from where he's sitting.

"This is just a normal secure facility." His voice is too light, as if he's trying too hard to control it. "Nothing out of the ordinary. Don't feel that I've gone to any special treatment for you."

They're all looking at him now. Matsuda is pale, almost grey in the lights, biting his lower lip and staring desperately at Raito. Is there really any way he could keep up an act for this long? But perhaps he's only scared that Raito will reveal something. Ide tries to keep him out of his line of sight.

Raito sighs. "I shouldn't have expected intelligent conversation from you. All right, I'll be frank. Where exactly is my notebook now?"

So he has tested it. It's almost embarrassing; or stupid, like the situation's about to turn into a comedy. Indeed, when Matsuda says, "Uh... you've got it. You took it from the bank... right?" his voice is shaky as if he can't decide whether to laugh or not. Raito clearly doesn't want them to be laughing. He's turned, snatched a black notebook off the table behind them, and then he's crossed the room - too quickly - and, opening up the notebook to the last page and holding it one-handed in front of Matsuda's face, hisses, "Then would you like to explain why you're still alive?"

Matsuda shrinks back, goes even paler. Ide squints at the pages, and then sees. Raito has written their names there. It's a fake and Ide knows it's a fake but seeing his own name written out in full, visible to everyone, still makes him feel sick.

"You see?" Raito says, closing the notebook. And then just for a second, he's Chief Yagami's son again, politely accepting some reports from you or something. "Don't get me wrong, it isn't a bad attempt at a fake. I was almost convinced myself, the first time I saw it. I imagine it was Gevanni's handiwork again? Still, it's a lot more slapdash this time round -"

"It must have been Mello," Matsuda says.

"It must have been, must it?"

Matsuda goes silent. Ide can feel him trembling, and even though his thoughts automatically default to get a grip, there's no real conviction in it. It's not like the situation is any better than it seems. And Matsuda was terrified even before all this - terrified and desperate to think well of Raito -

"I asked you a question," Raito says softly.

Aizawa clears his throat - so he's dry-mouthed with nerves too - and says, as if he's bored with the argument, "As far as we knew, that was the real thing buried there. That's certainly where we left it. Mello was the only other person who knew where it was, so he must have had it switched without our knowledge, as back-up."

"How convenient for you."

"We're not the ones who had him gunned down," Aizawa says, coldly. "A shame that your men couldn't be less trigger-happy."

"Oh... he isn't dead yet." Raito shrugs. "Please don't try and take the moral high ground, not now. He's in an intensive care unit being monitored for signs of life. However, even if he does regain consciousness it could take a while, so I hope you can understand I'd appreciate your co-operation."

"But... but we said." Matsuda swallows. "We don't know where the real one is."

"I very much doubt that. You wanted to get me to walk into a trap tonight, didn't you? Your plan really was just to take Kira prisoner and hope that everything just went back to normal. You knew I'd be coming and you must have at least considered the idea that I'd write your names down literally the second after the notebook was in my hands. So you switched the notebooks to avoid that. I don't doubt Mello might have had the idea - you certainly aren't capable of that kind of forward thinking - but I'm not simply going to accept your word that you have no idea where my property has been hidden now."

"Mello didn't trust us either," Matsuda says. "He - he was always saying how he didn't want to work with us and we were useless. He... why would he tell us, I'd probably just blurt it out at the wrong moment, right?"

"Oh, I've no doubt you would." Raito smiles, a thin sharp smile. "You've certainly proved your unreliability by this point." Matsuda has gone so white Ide wonders if he'll keel over, but evidently Raito doesn't feel like going into the gory details yet: "However, you certainly wouldn't tell me immediately if you did know the location of the notebook. I'm giving you a chance to be sensible and pass on any information you have that you think I might find useful."

Oh god. Oh god, the pieces of paper hidden in the van. Ide had almost forgotten about them but now the realisation kicks him in the teeth and it's all he can do to try and keep his face blank. He has - if he'd just burnt the damn things - once Raito finds out about those, that's it. He's horribly conscious of Matsuda next to him, of the other man's shaky breathing - what if it's completely obvious they know something the other two don't? He'll kill us - he'll kill us -

"We don't know," Matsuda says, sounding like a child now, defensive, hopeless. "He barely told us anything, he liked seeing us clueless. He only talked to Lidner..."

"I'm well aware of your colleague's fascination with Mello, thank you," Raito says. "I'll be discussing this matter with her later. But I do really think it would be wiser for you to co-operate now." There's that shaky lightness again in his voice, as if he's very tired, or overexcited, or acting.

"If we did know where the notebook was," Aizawa snaps, "and we told you, you'd go and fetch it and then you'd kill us with it. I don't see that there's any advantage from our perspective."

"You're not thinking," Raito says, taking a few quick steps forward. "Perhaps you'd only be killed if you'd demonstrated beyond all doubt that you could never support Kira. Perhaps you have a chance to save your lives if you co-operate now. And even if you don't want to think that well of me, surely it must have occurred to you that a quick death isn't a huge risk. After all, you've been facing that possibility ever since you swore allegiance to L, haven't you? It's nothing new. But if you continue to obstruct justice, then I'll have no choice but to take more drastic steps -"

"You'll try and torture it out of us?" Aizawa's voice is louder now; Ide can't decide whether he's grateful or furious with his friend for spelling out what Raito is hinting at. Matsuda swallows, hard; he's still shaking. "Because you're the pinnacle of justice now or whatever? God, you'd make your father sick if he could see you."

Raito looks at him and his smile is gone suddenly, leaving his face pale and cold. After a couple of seconds, he says, flatly, "Has your wife quite recovered from her injury, Aizawa?"

Aizawa is very still; he's gritting his teeth, but Ide can see his eyes are wide and horrified. Raito smiles. "If you make Kira punish innocents so you can avoid judgement for your own crimes... well, I thought better of you."

"I don't know where the damn thing is," Aizawa says, and it sounds like the words hurt him. "None of us do. I swear to god you do anything more to any of them and I'll kill you -"

"Stop talking in cliches." Raito stares at them coldly - then, all at once, the thin smile again. "I understand you're disorientated right now. I'll give you time to think. Oh, and I'll talk to each of you individually, so you don't have to worry about people thinking less of you. Well... any less than will occur once the truth comes out about some of you."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Aizawa says.

Matsuda has closed his eyes and Ide can hear his breathing shake. Don't rise to it, he tells himself.If Matsuda has been playing him for a fool all this time, that doesn't mean Raito is aware of it, and Ide is quite capable of cursing his own stupidity without having the others get in on the act. I don't know anything...

"Well, to start with," Raito says, "the three of you might not be particularly impressed with Mogi. Considering you have him to thank for being here."

Ide has blurted out, "What?" before he can stop himself, and he stares over at Mogi, who hasn't moved.

"Don't judge him too harshly," Raito says. "It's not the first time a man has made a mistake when confronted with a pretty blonde."

Oh, come on - Ide just manages to keep his mouth shut. Can't you come up with a better lie than that? This is a trick - Mogi wouldn't be so stupid...

"You're lying," Aizawa says, dismissively, but Ide hears the nervous pause before he starts speaking.

"Mogi was infatuated enough with my fiancee that he told her more than he should," Raito says. "Of course, he didn't tell her the exact location of the notebook - he's not that eloquent - but he did mention that you'd buried it in the woods. When Misa told me that, I was able to narrow down my search to places that would fit that description and were near enough and quiet enough for you to have hidden it there after you left the Yellow Box Warehouse. It wasn't difficult. I knew the location before Mikami even left your hideout. I went there and discovered the notebook. I tested it, and found it to be a fake. That didn't surprise me a great deal - I'd half-expected even you to be intelligent enough not to just give me the Note. But then when we tracked down Mikami and got him to tell us what he knew, I wondered what would happen if I re-enacted my earlier visit with additional back-up. And of course, you were all predictable enough to crawl out of the woodwork."

Ide can't keep looking at his smug face without wanting to choke; he glances over at Mogi instead, half-hoping for scorn or surprise, that that can't really be what happened. But Mogi looks horribly, hopelessly resigned; his face blank and pale, his eyes fixed on the opposite wall as if he knows they'll all be looking and can't bear to meet their eyes. So it's the truth, then, more or less? He hates that part of him is grateful that Matsuda's off the hook, that he himself might have made the right choice after all. It should hardly matter at this point. But somehow it does.

"Feel free to ask him about it yourself, if you get the chance." Raito shrugs. "As I said... I'll give you a little time to think about your situation." He gestures for the men outside to come in. "Assuming, of course, that none of you three have the notebook on you... it seems unlikely, but I can imagine Mello going for that kind of bluff."

Out of the corner of his eye, Ide sees Aizawa half-glance at him, just for a second. Matsuda's probably being even less subtle about it, so Ide keeps his eyes on the grimy floor like he's too angry to communicate with anyone.

He knows he should be having some kind of intelligent thought, making some plan, at least trying to strengthen his own resolve, but his mind seems to have locked into numb horrified this can't be happening with little room for anything more constructive. It sticks with that as the men search them, as he's dragged to his feet, marched out of the room and then through corridors blocked every so often with locked doors. Looking around doesn't make him feel any better. It clearly is a medium-security prison, currently dark and silent. Up rattling steps and along more corridors, through more doors, and finally, they stop outside a particular cell door. It's unlocked and Ide feels the handcuffs removed as he's pushed forward into the dimly-lit room. Matsuda stumbles in after him and then the door slams shut behind them.

Matsuda is rubbing at his wrists, distractedly; as the footsteps outside fade away he looks up and meets Ide's eyes. He seems numb with shock still, or like he's still scared Ide will blame him for what's happened. Ide's stomach twists - don't look at me like I can fix all this - I'm in as much shit as you are now -

He hisses, "Whatever you're going to say, just think about it first, all right? They've probably got this place bugged."

Matsuda stares at him for a second, then nods. "Ri... right. Like... like with Ryuzaki... watching us, so they can see if - see if..." He starts to shake. "They'll..."

"Don't. Don't think about - look, sit down, you look like you're about to faint."

Matsuda slumps down onto the lower of the two bunks, resting his head on his hands. Ide sits down next to him. Are there cameras in here as well? He can't see any, but that doesn't mean much. At any rate he's sure he's right about bugs. Raito will find out about it if he shoots his mouth off about knowing what Matsuda did. Or about... anything else the two of them are involved in. It's definitely not the time to think about that kind of thing, anyway.

And yet...

"Ide," Matsuda whispers, "what are we going to do?"

"I don't... I don't know." He takes a breath, feeling like he hasn't been breathing enough up until now. "We don't know where Mello hid the damn thing. That's all we can say -" There's one thin light in here, dimmed at the moment, so surely no one will see if he just touches Matsuda's hand - as soon as he does the other man seizes on it, gripping his fingers so tightly it almost hurts.

"Raito won't believe us. And anyway..." Matsuda trails off. Ide knows what he must be thinking. Raito's not going to give up until he's got the information he wants and while Ide and Matsuda don't have the location of the notebook they have knowledge of something else almost as useful. And they'll try and hold out and then they'll break and then Raito will find the hidden pages and he'll kill them.

If I'd just not -

He realises he's shaking too, because Matsuda is suddenly whispering "It's okay, it'll be okay, really," and putting his arms round him and Ide wants to shove him away because people will see and they'll laugh and yet he can't because, actually, in a few hours or so he'll have far more problems than people's opinions on his love life. He can feel himself still wanting to care, though. To admit that something which felt so important is now trivial in comparison to his current problems -

What the hell. Better to reveal that than any of the other things he knows.

He contents himself with snapping, "Don't be so stupid, it's not okay at all." But even as he says it he's pulling Matsuda closer and Matsuda's cold mouth is on his and the sensations it sparks block out, for a while, the realisation of how much danger they're in.

ooo

Aizawa feels like the shock of this is slowing him down; his feet keep catching on the floor, and the man leading him has to shove him forward. His mind feels like it's thinking through glue. There has to be some way to - Raito isn't going to - Raito can't -

Eventually they unlock one of the cell doors and push him inside. It takes him several seconds to notice that they've taken the handcuffs off, that his arms are hanging at his sides, and several more seconds to notice that Mogi has been pushed in after him, is now standing and watching him warily. Aizawa wonders how he looks, whether his disorientation is obvious.

"There's still a lot of media interest in your family," Mogi says, quietly. "That gives him less room to manoeuvre."

To have them mentioned so casually for the second time in an hour - Aizawa has snarled back, before he can think, "Did he tell you that? After you and him and Amane had a comfortable chat together?"

"I'm sorry," Mogi says, staring at the floor.

"Yeah, I bet you are. You don't have her around as eye candy any more. What the hell happened? Why didn't you think she might possibly still be committed to Raito, it's not like she doesn't voice that she is at every opportunity!" He's shouting now, but he's fighting not to panic as well and the effort of it all hurts his chest. He takes a deep breath and tells himself to calm down, to listen, losing your temper won't help anyone but it isn't like there are any other options open to him -

"I... originally, I tried to keep the truth of the situation from Misa," Mogi says. He's still not looking at Aizawa; keeping his gaze on the opposite wall. "Eventually, she found out what had happened. Well... that Raito was in no danger, at any rate."

"And?"

"She was upset. I don't think she was able to think straight. So she elected to remain with me. I told her... I told her that Raito was Kira, that he was dangerous. I mentioned Takada. She remained with me for a few days, and then she was mentioned on the news. On a talk show. She suggested she call Raito and tell him she was alone, but... that wasn't what she actually did."

"You should've got away from her as soon as she worked it out. You know what she's like about Raito!"

Mogi doesn't answer that. Aizawa grits his teeth, and, trying to keep hold of his temper, carries on, "And then what happened?"

"I've been here since. Raito spoke to me once. He told me that you had made a deal with him, to give him back the notebook. Then tonight I found they'd brought you all in." Mogi swallows. "I didn't think I'd told her anything useful."

"Well, you thought wrong."

Aizawa wants to stay angry with him. He is still angry, but under that he's tired and he's scared and he's realising how hopeless the situation is looking, and there's a limit to how satisfying righteous anger can be when the focus of it is in as much trouble as you are. He crosses over to the bunks at the side, slumps down on one. "We were hoping to get the jump on Raito. We thought he'd be concerned to keep the notebook secret, that he'd come alone. We... well, it wasn't like we could get in touch with you. We figured you didn't know what was going on, you couldn't..." Mello had actually said what the hell do you want me to do about it? The only thing he knows is where the damn thing is, and he knows enough not to pass that on.

Mogi nods; then, carefully, he says, "So only Mello knows where the real notebook is hidden now?"

"That's right. So if he doesn't wake up, that's it for Raito, no... no matter what he does to us." Aizawa swallows. If Raito follows through on what he hinted back there - if it's that Eriko and the girls be killed unless Raito finds the notebook - what the hell is Aizawa going to do? What can he do? Make something up to buy some time? But he's so tired and seriously unsure of his ability to produce a convincing lie as it is. Will Raito believe that he doesn't know where the damn thing is? Probably not, or at least not until after at least one person Aizawa cares for has been severely hurt or killed and he's still sworn he doesn't know.

He was half-expecting them to find those pages Ide had with him - he was simultaneously trying to gear himself up to face death and not even wanting to think about it too much in case it somehow tipped Raito off - but then nothing happened, so Ide at least doesn't have the damn things with him here. Maybe he destroyed them, maybe he didn't want to risk Mello finding them or something. Please god let that be what has happened. If they're still out there -

What if they do say they'll kill Eriko or Yumi or Youko unless he tells them all he knows? He has nothing he can offer but the existence of those pages. If he mentions them then they'll target Ide and what if he hasn't destroyed them - what if he's only hidden them -

Mogi doesn't offer any suggestions about what Raito might do, which Aizawa is grateful for. Stop it, he tells himself. Don't think about what they might do. Then you're doing all the work for them. The only way to stop thinking like this is to talk about something else, so he says, "You still didn't explain why you didn't ditch her as fast as possible. I realise Raito could've made trouble for her, but there's a limit to how much you can do when it's your life on the line."

"Yes, I know that."

"So what the hell were you thinking?"

Mogi sighs. After a few seconds, he comes to sit on the bunk, rests his arms on his knees.

"I imagine Raito will tell you if I don't," he says, at last. "Misa and I became involved."

"What? Why?"

"I think she was trying to keep my loyalty while she worked out what would help Raito the most."

"And you fell for it?" Aizawa can't believe it. He could believe that Matsuda might get knocked off-balance by such an obvious trick, but Mogi - Aizawa can count the mistakes he's made in their time as colleagues on one hand, and he certainly never seemed the type to get his head turned by a girl.

"I don't know what I did."

"It certainly sounds like you don't know what you were doing!"

"I know it was a mistake," Mogi says. "It..." And then, very quietly, "I thought I could trust her. I was wrong."

"You were distracted at the time?" Aizawa grits his teeth. Okay, so they've all been under stress, and Misa's a pretty girl or whatever, but you'd think - you'd expect someone to show some sense - and Mogi of all people - He is this close to letting go of his temper and pointing out exactly how much trouble his colleague's stupidity has got them all into, but he can yell and curse as much as he wants and it won't change a thing.

"I'm going to get some sleep," he says, trying to keep his voice level. "I imagine we're going to need it."

Mogi, of course, doesn't say anything. Which is sensible but leaves Aizawa feeling like there's more he wanted to say and so, when he's lying on the top bunk staring at the grimy ceiling and realising it was more comfortable sleeping in the car than in here, he finds himself saying, too loudly, "Ryuzaki thought she was the Second Kira."

Silence.

"Did you remember that? It would've been her who killed Ukita. It would've been her who murdered seven people or whatever just to get Raito's attention." Aizawa can feel the fury sticking in his throat. Mogi knows all this as well as he himself does. He knows that even if Misa's forgotten what she did, it still doesn't change the fact that she was capable of it, and therefore of doing absolutely anything in order to win points with Raito. And he chose to forget about it so he could get himself off? He chose not to think even a little about what he was risking?

If it wasn't for the fact that his colleague isn't denying it, Aizawa wouldn't have believed it. The anger is almost choking him now. You're going to get me killed. You're going to get Ide and Matsuda killed and - what the hell that bastard's going to do to Eriko and Yumi and Youko - and you knew how much you were risking and you just didn't give a damn - you figured your love life was more important -

He rolls onto his side, rests his head on his arm. It's either try and sleep or really lose his temper. Although the rage is almost comforting. It gives him something to think about that's not just what's likely to happen tomorrow morning.

ooo

The kissing and the making out and stuff, that helps, while it's going on Matsuda can't think of anything else, especially not how bad things have got. And Ide kisses him and clutches at him and that sort of proves that at least he believes this situation isn't Matsuda's fault. If he did, he'd be too disgusted even to talk to him, let alone touch him in any way. And so every second it's like being told it's okay, I believe you, I'm on your side, you're still one of the good guys.

Of course afterwards all that reassurance drains away as the heat does. They're both just lying there now and Matsuda can feel how tense Ide's fingers are on his back. That helps a little, like that Ide is so scared, but in another way it doesn't because it shows that there really is something to be scared of.

They just lie there and Matsuda wants to ask you do know it wasn't me, right? You do believe me? but he doesn't think he'll be able to bear it if Ide doesn't say yes. So neither of them say anything and after a while it seems like Ide's fallen asleep for real, slumped and warm against Matsuda. Matsuda doesn't want to try and sleep; it's better to have his eyes open, keep his gaze darting round the cell, at the dim dusty light overhead and the rusty underside of the bunk above him and the outline of the door, almost disappeared in the shadows. It doesn't stop the thinking, but he's pretty sure closing his eyes would only make it worse.

Raito's going to ask him stuff. Ask him if he wants to help Kira. He'll remind Matsuda of all the stuff about Sato-san, about what will happen if Kira loses. And - and Matsuda won't listen, he's not going to fall for it again, he promised Ide and - when it comes down to it, Ide's been a hell of a lot nicer about this than he could've been and there's no way Matsuda can stab him in the back, not after all they've said. Raito is a liar and murderer and he won't help Matsuda anyway, not when it comes down to it. He won't. (There is no point in keeping that hope going, so he should just stop.)

So Matsuda won't say anything.

And then Raito will try and make him tell everything he knows.

Not going to give in. Just not. Just can't. Said I wouldn't. He keeps on with that, like it'll actually do some good. He can't give in because it will get everyone else killed and then he'll pretty much be a multiple murderer and - and Raito won't offer him any sort of deal or protection because he'll have had to be forced to give up the information and so he'll die too. So he's going to stay quiet and Raito will believe that, like Aizawa and Mogi, he knows nothing about where the notebook or any pieces from it are. He's being brave. He's making up for what he tried to do earlier, for being that much of a coward. But he is so scared.

Finally, after ages (although it doesn't seem like ages once it's over, it seems like such a short time that he was lying in the dark and if he wasn't safe he wasn't in actual danger right then) the lights blink on properly, filling the cell with cold light. It's still dark outside, but Matsuda can hear footsteps and voices, although it sounds like it's quite far away. It must be regular prisoners waking up and stuff. He wonders if there's any near them, whether anyone knows they're here. But it seemed silent last night and it seems quiet now as well. Raito would probably want them kept far away from anyone else, right? In case they gave something away... especially in a prison, where everyone would hate Kira. Although they wouldn't be too fond of police officers either, but hey, after all this it isn't like Matsuda's going to be welcome back there so it'll be fine. It'll be fine - oh god -

He bites down hard on his lower lip and then he finds himself shaking Ide awake without even thinking about it. The other man rolls onto his back and scowls at Matsuda, and for a moment everything feels almost normal, but the next minute Ide is glancing at their surroundings and Matsuda sees him swallow and then his face goes all I'm-not-going-to-think-about-this blank.

"Sounds like... like people are getting up," Matsuda says at last.

Ide nods, and after a bit he pulls himself into a sitting position.

"We don't know anything," he says, at last. "Raito will just have to accept that." Their eyes meet. Ide looks sick and pale and like he doesn't want anyone to talk to him, but pleading, too, like you get it, right? I can trust you? Matsuda makes himself nod, sort-of smile, don't worry, I'm a good guy now. Not going to give in -

He can't just sit there still thinking about it, so he scrambles to his feet, trying to kid himself he can do something other than wait. Moving doesn't really help, though; it's just waking him up, making him more aware of everything. The cell door is dull white and handleless and heavy-looking and he can pretty much cross the entire room in a few steps and this is it, all crushing down on him and they're going to, they're going to -

"You're not helping yourself," Ide says. "You look like you're going to be sick."

"Yeah... feel like it." He tries to sound flippant but in his head he's screaming please don't make me do this, please, I swear I won't screw you over, just don't make me prove it like this -

"Look -" Ide sounds like the word is shaken out of him, and he turns away, as if he can't bear to look at Matsuda being so useless. "Look, it just - whatever happens, if he did - and he might not, but if he did - it would just... he doesn't want us dead. Not yet. He... he wants... Whatever he did, it wouldn't kill us." He's trying to say it with his normal dismissive attitude, but isn't quite managing it. He's scared too. They could do it to him too, it's not his fault, he doesn't want this either. Matsuda swallows and says, "Yeah. Yeah, I know, I'm just... I just..."

"Sure." Ide looks back at him quickly like he doesn't want it spelled out but Matsuda suddenly feels like if he doesn't talk he'll start yelling or panicking or whatever and so he carries on, "I know I was a coward before but I'm... I want to be brave. I want to... I always wanted to... you know, be a hero and stuff and... and do the right thing and not just... just bail out 'cause it was tough. I know you won't believe me, but..."

"I'm guessing it was easier to do that before you started having doubts about Kira," Ide says. "Look, I know you're not going to... I know you'll..." But then he trails off, like he can't actually say I know you won't let us down. Matsuda tries not to think about what that suggests, tries not to get furious on top of all else. Just keep saying stuff, it has to be better than thinking it.

"I wanted... Like the Chief never - he never gave up and - I wanted to be like that and now it -" His throat closes up for a moment and he wonders if he will actually be sick through sheer nerves. Breathe in. Breathe out. The air is dry and smells of old sweat and disinfectant. "This isn't... what they'll do is, they'll - Ide, I'm so scared -"

"Stop it," Ide says.

"They'll..."

Ide stands up, marches towards him, grabs him by the shoulders.

"No, stop," he says. "Don't start talking about how it's all you. It's not going to be any easier for me, okay? I'm as... I'm as scared as you. Aizawa and Mogi are too, I bet. You're assuming you're going to fail before anything has even - even happened. This just... we just have to... stand it, somehow, all right?"

It's then that they hear the footsteps.

The fear is icy hot and cold and Matsuda can't even move for a few seconds. Ide's fingers are suddenly digging into his arms and the other man is swearing under his breath. Matsuda reaches up and puts his hand on Ide's, not sure why, sorry almost, but Ide pulls away and stumbles back to sit on the cell bed. Matsuda's thoughts veer wildly from well screw you I was only trying to be nice to he really is scared, scared as me to maybe it won't be us, please God maybe it won't be us and his mind locks into repeating that one over and over again even as they hear the door unlocking.

It's two of the guys in dark suits, with the sunglasses and the guns as always, and they look at them both and Matsuda finds himself thinking maybe it won't be me, maybe it won't be me yet and then his thoughts shut down into a sort of whimpering because he can't believe he thought that.

They point at him and tell him to come forward.

At first he thinks he won't be able to, that his legs will just give up (maybe they'll leave me alone if I just don't -) (you idiot) but then he tries to walk forward and somehow manages it. They put the handcuffs on him again - not as tight as last night, good, that's a good thing, he's got to stay positive - and then one of them grips him by the arm and pulls him forward. Before he can consider whether to look back at Ide, they're outside the cell and the door is being shut and locked again. There's no one else around. And if there was, what would he do? It isn't like anyone would do anything to help him, not when he's clearly being punished for doing something to offend Kira. Only an idiot would get involved.

Just can't give in. Just won't. That's all there is to it.

He stares at the floor for most of the journey. His shoes are scuffed and grubby by now, but he's still walking, his feet look just like they always do. That kind of helps, trying to pretend that everything is normal, that he's scared for no reason. It helps right up until they unlock another door and he walks through and sees Raito standing there, waiting for him.

Raito is still in the same clothes he was in last night; Matsuda wonders if he slept at all either. His eyes are bright and glinting and he's still picking at the edge of his suit, his fingers constantly twitching. Matsuda tries not to look at where his other hand used to be. He saw last night and Raito saw that he saw and even though he knew he was meant to hate Raito the sight of what he'd done made him feel dizzy and sick, he'd just ruined everything, he'd just screwed everything up from the start -

- this time he really can't walk and someone shoves him forward and he nearly trips. There's a chair there, a table - they push him to sit down, then, as always, they walk out, they stand on the other side of the glass, watching. Raito walks towards him. Stands looking down at him for a few seconds. He's smiling, a wide-eyed smile that kind of reminds Matsuda, in some odd way, of Mello. Behind him, Ryuk suddenly appears, walking through the wall. Matsuda blinks, tries not to look at him. Ryuk is making it seem like this is all a dream and Matsuda wants it to be so much and he can't start thinking like that, he can't, in dreams nothing really matters -

"You look tired," Raito says, gently.

Matsuda finds himself tensing up even though Raito hasn't said anything mean. He digs his nails into his palms, and, not sure what else to say, mutters, "Well... haven't had much sleep."

"No, I shouldn't think you have." Raito sits down at the other side of the table. "What happened earlier? You were cut off. I waited to see if you were going to get in touch again, but..."

Matsuda can feel the tension in his chest loosening, he's so desperate to see this as a good omen. No. Just can't - promised - He doesn't want to mention Ide's involvement in what happened. Raito will start going on about how if he's only doing it because Ide was nice to him - and, yeah, he might know about the sex stuff by now, right? He swallows.

"I... I changed my mind," he says. He sounds too loud, and he also sounds terrified. "I... I thought I heard someone coming so I hung up on you and I... thought about it, and changed my mind."

"Too scared to do the right thing?"

"I'm not... I'm not going to help you." Matsuda can feel his palms going hot and cold like someone's clutching them. "I mean now... now you know the plan anyway and... and you've got us so you don't need me to... I don't know anything else."

"So you keep saying." Raito gets up again, comes to stand by the chair. "Which part of the situation caused you to rethink things? It doesn't seem to me like you're any more assured of a future after all this. And I know you understand what Kira's trying to do. Maybe someone on the other side made you a better offer? Mello said he'd get you out of the country or something? Or were you just not brave enough to pick a side?"

"I've picked a -"

"For goodness sake. How is any of this what you wanted, Matsuda?" Raito is standing over him, impatient and contemptuous and Matsuda tries to summon up the fury he felt back in the warehouse but even the traces of it he can find through the fear aren't connected with Raito any more, they're targeted at himself, how stupid he's been -

Raito hits him round the face.

The shock of it hurts more than the pain at first. He stares up at Raito and Raito stares back, smiling, looking so confident and pleased with himself. It's almost like Matsuda just imagined it, is dreaming the bruise throbbing on his jaw.

"It's polite to answer when someone asks you a question," Raito says. "Now, tell me, Matsuda-san - is any of this what you wanted?"

Matsuda has shaken his head before he can think.

"Of course it isn't," Raito says. "You stayed on the Kira case because you wanted to hunt down criminals. You wanted to make the world a better place. You wanted to be on the good guys' side. Oh, and you wanted to impress my father, of course." His smile is thinner, sharper, now. "None of that... none of it really worked out for you, did it?"

Matsuda knows he's got to say something and he swallows to try and get his dry throat to work but then all he manages to come up with is, "That stuff wasn't my fault, it was you -"

"Really?" Raito leans a little closer to him. He smells different, of antiseptic and of, of hot skin,like he's ill. "Let's see. You admitted yourself that Kira has made the world far better than it was before. Instead of hunting down criminals, you murdered an innocent man in cold blood. You've allied yourself with the man who killed my father, and I can only imagine what he would think of you if he could see you now. I gave you a chance to make amends for what you've done, and it seems that you've turned it down. What part of this is my fault rather than yours?"

Matsuda doesn't want to have this argument, he knows he'll lose it, but he can't give up already, he can't, and so he stammers, "Your dad wouldn't have died if you hadn't done what you did."

Raito's face goes all still and blank and Matsuda wants to say I'm sorry, I didn't mean it, it's not true. He reminds himself of how angry Ide would be to hear him think like this. It's not my fault, it's Raito's, it's all his fault - he makes himself glance at where Raito's hand used to be - he should have died - he should have died - He can feel he's not convincing himself, he knows perfectly well whose fault all of this is, but he promised he wouldn't give in and hating Raito is part of not giving in, he hates Raito and Raito hates him and so there's no way out but to stand this -

"It's true, isn't it?" he makes himself say. "You knew he wasn't going to stop looking for Kira until he was dead or you were! You knew and you just didn't care! You just wanted to - to feel all special and have people saying how great you were -"

Raito hits him again. He was kind of expecting it this time, trying to make Raito angry. "You're pathetic," he carries on, though his lip's cut and swollen up and he can't tell if he's still understandable. "I thought you were really smart and awesome and you're just - rotten -"

Raito grabs him by the hair this time, wrenches his head back, and he stops talking because he doesn't think he's ever seen someone this angry before.

"You've got a lot to say this morning, haven't you?" Raito says, very quietly. "And as usual, none of it means much. Tell me, Matsuda, are you going to give me the information I actually want, or are you going to let me down again?"

"I don't know where the stupid notebook is! Okay?"

"All right -" and Raito lets go of him and then he's going to the door, indicating for the men outside to come in. When he turns round again, he's smiling, as if the anger was never there. "But you've got a terrible memory, Matsuda-san. Perhaps Mello told you and you just forgot."

"I didn't..." Matsuda feels his voice dry up. Raito can just throw off the anger like it doesn't matter. It probably doesn't. Why would you care what someone says when you've got them locked up here and no one knows where they are and pretty much everyone thinks they should die anyway? Raito knows exactly how hollow all this stuff about picking a side is, how terrified Matsuda is behind it. He knew Matsuda was scared enough to betray everyone before and things have only got worse now.

Don't care - promised - I promised -

"Well... let's see." Raito is brisker now. Professional. He looks round at the two men. "You know that this man is an enemy of Kira. He's been instrumental in halting Kira's judgement. He's also the one who murdered an innocent man at that inn. The two of you have given me to understand that you're able to force him to comply with Kira's wishes. You know what I want you to do."

Matsuda finds himself closing his eyes, trying to block this out before he realises how much worse it will be if he can't see what's going to happen. The two men have walked over to him now; one of them is taking hold of his wrists and unclipping one of the cuffs. Then he's snapped the free bracelet round the arm of the chair. The other guy takes out another pair of cuffs and does the same to Matsuda's other wrist. Then the first guy walks round to stand by the table and there's a clatter as he puts something down. Like a pair of big-bladed scissors. Secataurs, Matsuda's mind supplies a moment later. He remembers, like he hasn't thought about it for years, that his mother owned some for cutting back plants. Roses. When he was very little and used to follow her round while she was gardening. Helping. You just set the blades around the branch and squeezed -

"It really hurt, you know." Raito sounds distant, absent-minded. "You forget, you don't realise that they only shoot you full of painkillers after you've got to hospital. While you're waiting, it really hurts."

The strip lights glint in the blades. The grip is plastic, dark blue. Matsuda can't stop looking at them. He thinks he knows. He thinks he knows and he can feel the horror rising up his throat. He can't, he - people don't -

"Well?" Raito says. "You're not so stupid you haven't worked it out, I'm sure. Didn't you ever hear Ryuzaki talking about an eye for an eye? No different from what you did to me, except that this will break the process down into its component parts, as it were. Do you have anything you want to say to me?"

Matsuda makes himself think about Ide's expression if, when they take him back, he says, well, I was all ready to keep my mouth shut but he threatened to chop off my fingers so I told him about those pages and now we're all going to die. Ide will be all typical, I shouldn't have expected anything better from a traitor like you. I gave you a chance and you just screwed me over again -

He wants to be a good guy. He wants to be brave. He wants to make up for what he did before, he deserves this considering earlier he was happy to let a bunch of people die so he could be safe. Just because you want to do the right thing doesn't mean it will be easy or nice, right?

(And - oh god, maybe it won't be so bad. Maybe he'll be brave, he'll be able to stand it. And then people will be impressed, that's a good thing, right?)

He grits his teeth and he can feel his breath all shaky under his ribs and then a second later Raito says, "All right, then -" and then, to the two men, "Go ahead."

Everything seems very bright and clear suddenly and yet at the same time all he can see is the light curved and reflected in the secataurs, in the blades and the blue grip, tilting and then rushing away as one of the men picks them up. Can't be. He won't. His palms are soaked with sweat. The smooth feel of that sort of grip under your hands. His mother had let him hold the handles, snip off a branch. Cold blades against the first joint of the little finger on his right hand. Just cold, that's nothing new, that's nothing, they won't, they won't

You squeeze the handles tightly and snip

Everything goes slow in his head. There's the sudden awareness that oh god it's happened and then, then the noticing the pain sliding down his finger into his hand and arm like someone's hammering a nail through the bone and then there's not noticing it's just that the pain is all there is. And at the same time he is calmly watching and thinking that there is a lot of blood and thinking, stupidly, that he's not going to get that fingertip, fingernail back, and that's weird, and -

Suddenly time jumps back to normal and he's scared and he's screaming and it keeps hurting -

Raito is saying something. Matsuda gulps down air and tries, he tries to stop the screaming. It doesn't stop exactly, it gets shoved down into his throat and keeps trying to get out as shaky little gasps. Raito smiles, sympathetically, repeats himself: "Do you understand now?" Ryuk scuttles over to study the blood dotting the tabletop, reaches out a clawed finger to prod the severed fingertip. Matsuda can't look at it any more; he wrenches his gaze back to Raito, but Raito only looks at him pityingly and then turns to the men and says, "All right. Carry on unless he indicates that he wants to tell us something."

Matsuda doesn't want to watch but he can't stop staring. The blades of the secataurs are already bloodstained. The table's covered in splashes of blood too and then in the centre - and then he feels the cold blades settle round the next joint of his little finger and there's just that, only that only this time there's more waiting, it seems like they settle against his skin for ages before they start to slide closed -

You only had to struggle, squeeze hard, if it was a thick branch, and then you dug your palms in and it snapped off it just snapped off - It shouldn't be as bad this time, you should be used to it, but it seems to hurt worse, like he knew what was coming and he's yelling so much like that will help like when you're on a rollercoaster but his throat's already dry and the pain's already louder than he could ever be. It's when they're cutting off the third joint of that finger that he starts screaming please stop please (or at least, becomes aware of doing so, perhaps he's been doing it without realising since they began). Raito looks at him sympathetically and says, "I can't, Matsuda. Do you understand? Only you can make this stop." There's already so much blood and so much blood it serves him right, all the blood on the wall back at the inn and he's screaming that he didn't want to, that he takes it back, he's begging to drop the gun and surrender but it doesn't work - they're putting the blades round the first joint of his next finger. Their faces haven't changed, and suddenly Matsuda wonders if maybe he can't change anything, if none of this is even real except the pain, he can yell all he wants but Raito will still be standing there smiling and Ryuk snickering and the two men won't even be smiling, they will be looking bored like there's something else they'd rather be doing instead.

And then the pain comes down again, slowly eating up his hand and his breathing sticks in his throat because of it. The small rectangular chunks of skin and bone on the table, lying in the blood, they catch on his vision and bits, bits of flesh he realises he's going to be sick, doubles over. Not much comes up, he hasn't eaten for hours. It burns his throat. Please he tries to say again please but it hurts to speak now. He keeps trying to pull his hand back - he isn't thinking that it might work, he's just doing it like he's an animal or something trying to get away, the handcuff chain rattles. Blood, thick drops, shaken onto the floor. Rose petals, the snap of a branch, and get out he thinks he yells at one point, his mother's hands soft on his and she guides them round the handles and he squeezes them tight and more pain bursts into flower and stop it, Matsuda screams at them, the figures standing in the sunlit garden, stop -

For what seems like a long time, Raito just watches him, face half-pleased, half-nervous like a child's at a bonfire. Second joint. Matsuda thinks he blacks out for a few seconds, although the light's been steadily darkening like a bruise anyway. He falls down into the dark, no, he's fleeing down into it, and then just as he thinks he's got away they drag him back up. Third joint. Cold water in his face and he's back and one of them hits him lightly, like to see if he's awake again. Then turns back to his hand. First joint - of his middle finger, this time, this can't keep happening, they'll go on til there's nothing left -Ryuk's disappeared by now, probably got bored, but Matsuda thinks he keeps seeing him anyway as everything goes dark and cracked, keeps trying to splinter, it can't all hold together, it can't -

Raito is standing behind him now, hands on his shoulders, and he leans down and whispers, "Matsuda... this isn't helping anyone." The words rise and fall in Matsuda's ears like the sea. "I mean... look at the facts. It isn't as if this is going to stop if you're just brave." They're waiting. "They haven't even completed one hand yet. Twenty-one more joints left, Matsuda, look... you can count them. And after that, they'd only move on to your toes. I'm told that's even more painful."

Just have to stand it, Ide is saying in Matsuda's head,but that's stupid, it doesn't mean anything. Of course it's easy to say that when it's not happening. It doesn't mean anything when they're chopping bits off you and the pain's bad enough you can't feel the rest of you. It doesn't fucking mean anything -

"Look," Raito says, and his hand, the fingers cool, touches Matsuda's face, tilts his head towards the table. "Look at all that blood. Look at how much you've lost already."

"I can't," Matsuda hears himself wail, "I can't, I can't -"

"It's all right," says Raito, gently, and he sounds just like he always used to, polite and kind and like Matsuda actually matters to him, like he should bother being nice. "It's all right. No one could. No one can stand up to this. And who'd want to? Think how useless you'll be if you let this carry on. We're not going to go anywhere until you've told me everything you know that I might find useful. We're going to stay here, all of us, and they're going to keep on cutting off the joints. It's not going to get any easier. It's not going to hurt any less. Just think about it." His breath is warm against Matsuda's face; warm and a little shaky. "Just think about how long it's going to take and what it's going to feel like. What it's going to look like."

Blood and he feels sick and scared and he's struggling, trying to get away, somehow, but Raito's hands on his shoulders are tightening, pushing him down and he's saying, "No, Matsuda. There's only one way out of this."

"No, I can't..."

"Yes, you can. You can make all of this stop. It's really easy."

And Matsuda knows, he knows how easy it is and that's why he starts begging again, because he can feel the truth growing up under all the other words and if he tries to stop it then this will keep on going and it will never stop.

"Twenty-one times more," Raito says. "That's all that's just happened, again, three more times."

Matsuda feels the words run out, leaving behind just gasps, each one like a punch in the chest. Like he's running away from something only it's caught him up in a few yards.

"No?" Raito says. "All right, then. Carry on."

In his head Matsuda's trying to run away. Or, or be the part of you behind your eyes that watches and comments even while the rest of your mind is caught up in what's actually happening. Always there, it, it thought that about Ryuk being bored, it - he - not me, just watching -

But there isn't. There isn't anything. Just him and it will keep going and he will keep feeling it, whatever they do to him and there's nowhere else to go, not into his own head, not anywhere, there's nothing else but this and he has to make it stop -

Slipping and stumbling on the words like they're wet leaves. Something like I can't, I can't, I promised I wouldn't and you'll kill us, you'll kill all of us and yet no matter how much he says it, none of it means anything, just like have to stand it doesn't mean anything. Because they're not stopping, one of them is holding his hand still and he can already feel the blades lining up against his knuckle, and Raito is whispering, "But if you don't tell, then this is going to carry on. It's starting again already."

I can't, he explains, I can't screw up again, I wanted to pay him back, he was nice to me and Raito says, "But you didn't know this was going to happen then, did you? No one is going to be angry with you just for trying to make this stop."

He knows that's not true. He's not that stupid. And he hates them, they're making him choose like this and - so easy for them - they'll hate me like this was so easy to cope with -

Another snip -

He doesn't care any more what they'll think of him he doesn't care -

And Raito is there with him, in the pain, fingers tightening on his shoulders, and whispering, "You don't have to do this, Matsuda. Please, don't put yourself through this. No one else will mind, I promise. You've already been brave enough. You can stop."

It's not true, but he can't remember why it's not true and before he can think about it, he's opened his mouth (because he wants to believe it) (and why the hell shouldn't he? No one's ever said you can stop trying, you've done enough before) and said, "We had some pieces of the notebook - we had them hidden -"

He's shaking and sick, he knows he shouldn't be saying this but at the same time there's a horrible glee in doing so, in just doing something he wants -

you did everything wrong

"Where did you hide them?" Raito says, softly.

"In the van, in -"

Ide said he trusted you -

He grabs at the sentence and wrenches it somewhere else, away from the truth, "Under the passenger seat, under the carpet..."

Seems like it's silence for hours, then, finally, "Whose idea was it to take them?" Raito asks.

"It... Ide's. He just... he just took them. Just had them. All the time."

"And then you hid them?"

"We thought... we thought we weren't going to need them. Tonight. He said he... he was worried Mello would find them, he wanted..." He can't remember what Ide wanted, and he panics, clutching at memories and they fall through his fingers like the blood dripping over what's left of his right hand and oh god oh god he's so scared -

"And did anyone else know about them?" Raito says, gently.

He... he shouldn't say. He shouldn't be answering all these questions but... but he can't think of what to say that's not the truth. And... and he told a lie and so if he tries to tell more then Raito will know, it's okay, it's okay he can tell everything else as long as he gets away with one lie. "Aizawa knew... he knew that we had them. He didn't know we'd hidden them... or... or anything else."

"Yes." Raito is stroking his shoulder absently. "You and Ide have a lot of secrets from him, don't you?"

Matsuda can't work out what he's talking about; Raito sounds smug, like Matsuda's given up loads of important information, or perhaps it's a coded question, perhaps if Matsuda doesn't say the right thing then it'll start again and please, he's whimpering, please, I don't know, I'm sorry -

Raito laughs, and says, "You were being monitored last night. I wasn't aware that either of you were... like that."

Matsuda waits and watches but Raito's face doesn't change, he just smiles, he isn't angry. Just probably would be like if he'd found out and things were normal, just - No, no, he's not going to think about normal. It's okay. It's not bad that Raito knows, right? Ide even said about them probably being watched, but he didn't stop or anything, so... so this isn't Matsuda's fault. He's doing okay. He's doing okay - and that doesn't really mean much either, it's just words, but he thinks it anyway because if he doesn't he thinks he'll be so scared he won't be able to stand it. "Don't... I don't know why. It isn't... it was just something that happened."

"And how long has it been happening?"

"Don't... don't remember." He's just moved his fingers - what's left of them - and it was a mistake, pain is pulsing through them even more and he can feel the blood, oozing thick and hot. "While... while we were hiding." It's no good, he is scared and he can't stop being scared, he's drowning in it. His breath is coming in little gasps and he feels like everything that's not fear is pouring out of him along with the blood. Oh god what if he just bleeds to death, what if Raito just stands there and watches him bleed to death -

But Raito is walking round to face him again, businesslike, and the two other men have straightened up like they're about to start packing away and leaving. Matsuda tries to look like someone should look who's still keeping something back, who's being smart. Brave. Not scared. Someone who, who knows they've said all there is to say, someone who's not a liar - he's shaking, the chains of the handcuffs are rattling slightly against the arms of the chair. The pool of blood is growing wider under his palm.

"Very well," says Raito. "So... do you think you've told me everything I should know?"

This is it. Matsuda grits his teeth and tries to squash down the fear. Just look into Raito's eyes and sound confident and, and sure and stuff. "Yes." It's fine... I'm doing fine...

For a moment, they just stare at each other. Then suddenly the sympathetic, normal look on Raito's face is gone and he's staring coldly down as he says, "I don't believe you."

"You..." His throat's so dry by now that he can't get any sound out. But he's not sure what he'd say anyway. Why? What did I do wrong? Please, you have to -

"I don't believe you," Raito says again. "I think that you're keeping something back, or that you've lied to me in some respect. Because that's the kind of stupid thing you'd do believing it to be heroic. So. These gentlemen will continue with their work until you've worked out what it was that you got wrong."

No, no, he is screaming already, begging even though his voice stumbles and cracks and three more times, all this three more times and Raito will know, Raito will know whatever he says is a lie and he can't he can't do this any more - he feels someone pressing his hand down onto the table, feels his fingertips sliding on the damp metal as he struggles, and then he feels the blades against the remains of his middle finger and he knows how hard they're going to have to squeeze to take it off and that's when the words start. He's saying lots of stuff, stuff about Ide and about Mello and Mikami and about Raito's dad, anything and everything and it isn't working, oh god, oh god it isn't working, it'll just keep on and on and - from far away he remembers how to make it stop -

Everything goes strange and red and sick and for a few minutes he doesn't know where he is any more, just that he's talking and he has no idea what he's saying.

And then the talking stops. The talking stops and as it does, everything else starts calming down too. The room around him. He aches all over like he's been running for hours and his hand feels torn open, flayed and smashed and and as he thinks about that the room lurches again so he stops, focuses on his unsteady breathing, his raw throat. He's still sitting in the chair. One of the men is holding his arm still, but the other isn't holding the secataurs any more; instead, he's wrenched up Matsuda's blood-stained sleeve and is binding bandage tightly round his wrist, tight enough to hurt. Oh thank god - and then of course he catches it up, works it out, it'll be a trick, they'll start again with the other hand, it's a trick - the bandage round his wrist tightens painfully - they're pulling it taut with a stick - and he cries out without meaning to.

More bandage is being wrapped round the stumps of his fingers now; the pain flickers and jumps as it's touched. He tries not to make any noise, it'll get worse, this shouldn't be hurting at all after what's already happened but it is, it - He can't look at what the men are doing, he can't see them picking up the secataurs again, and he's squeezing his eyes shut but suddenly he hears the door open and close, and looks up to see that the two men have walked out, are standing and watching him from behind the glass again. One is saying something, but he can't tell what. But they've gone away. They've gone and it's just him and -

He looks round. Raito is leaning against the wall, watching him. It makes him gasp, and he realises that he's been crying, is still crying, and the sobs hurt his throat. He swallows; tries to stop. Being pathetic, crying in front of Raito.

"There," Raito says. "Isn't it better when you finally decide to be honest?"

Matsuda stares at him, not sure what he means. He hasn't even said anything for ages.

"It's all right." Raito straightens up, walks over to him. "It's stopped now. You told me what I needed to know, and so it stopped. Just like I said it would."

Matsuda stares at him.

I don't remember, he wants to say. I think I blacked out. And so whatever he did doesn't count, it's like talking in your sleep -

Don't be stupid, you know what you did, you gave in, you know -

"In the wall behind the glove compartment, I think you said?" Raito says.

"I didn't -" But that's ridiculous, how else would Raito know? And Raito doesn't even bother to point that out, he just smiles and says, "You see? You were keeping something back. Why on earth did you decide to be so stupid? You'd still have almost three fingers left if you'd been sensible. After all, the outcome was the same either way."

Matsuda can't look at him any more, can't take the understanding in his face. He stares at the floor instead, at the spots of blood dotted around his feet. He knows he should be saying something, he can't just stay silent forever, and Raito will get mad if he does, but he doesn't know what to say. It's like all the words in his head were thrown out when he was yelling earlier. When he was giving in.

"Oh..." Raito's voice is gentler now, kinder, and Matsuda bites down on his lip because he knows what Raito's going to say - "I know. You thought you were going to be a hero, didn't you? You thought that it was like a game.That if you held out a little longer, someone would come to rescue you. Look at me -" His voice is cold suddenly, and Matsuda hastily wrenches his head up. Their eyes meet. Raito is smiling, looking so neat and clean and young, like all the bad stuff on him has been washed away, and Matsuda can feel suddenly how much blood and filth is crusted on him and his clothes.

"Yes, that's what you thought," Raito said. "And perhaps you rationalised that if you were a hero, it wouldn't matter that you were doing it for the wrong side. If you act like one of the good guys, all your sins will be forgiven. That's why you changed your mind about helping me, as well. Right?"

That was actually a question but Matsuda doesn't know what Raito wants him to say to it and so he just stammers out "I'm sorry..." and as he says it he realises how stupid it is to think you can apologise for all the things he's done.

"For what? Thinking that anyone would care about how brave you were?"

Stop saying it like that, Matsuda wants to beg, because he knows how true it is. He was dreaming of being able to go back to Ide and tell him how well he'd done and say look, I didn't fuck it up this time, you can trust me...

He'll - he'll have to tell Ide what's happened. Less than twenty-four hours after the last betrayal and already he's fucked up again and thinking about it makes him want to scream, or claw his throat out or something, and so instead he stares up at Raito and he says (and does he want to hear no or yes?), "You're... you're going to kill me now, aren't you?"

"What do you think?"

"I know - I know you are." Raito's not going to help him. He's not. There's no way, at any rate, that Matsuda's going to show how part of him is still clinging onto that hope. "You were going to get all of us killed in the warehouse and... and now you... now everyone hates us anyway."

"Everyone knows that you're criminals, yes." Raito folds his arms, studies Matsuda with a mixture of pity and irritation. "And you're correct; I intend to punish you in the way you deserve."

Putting it like that is like another blow to the face even though it's not like he didn't already know he deserves it. Raito is looking irritated again: "What, you don't agree? I'm sorry, did I misunderstand the part where you gunned down an unarmed member of the general public in order to save your own skin and the others then helped hide you from the law? Or the part where you appropriated the source of Kira's power and left the innocents of the world unguarded?" An exasperated sigh, and then, scornfully, with all the contempt in his voice Matsuda could never believe he didn't feel: "Tell me, have you bothered to watch the news at all while you've been pretending to be an outlaw? Do you know how many murders and assaults there've been since Kira's judgements halted? Perhaps you'd like to tell the victims how you don't deserve to die. Perhaps you'd like to try and explain how you made all that suffering possible because you wanted to be a hero. You certainly don't seem to be doing a very good job of explaining it to me."

"It's... it's not..." It's not like that, he wants to say, I was doing it because it's the right thing to do, it wasn't just because I wanted to have everyone think I was cool, it wasn't - Except that it was; every time he's felt resentful at the late hours or frustrated by the lack of progress or scared that one day he'll just drop dead in the street he's told himself it's okay, you're just being brave, being one of the good guys - there are always tough times when you're one of the good guys - And how the hell can he justify himself when they both know he abandoned any principles he might have had to try and save himself?

"I really wouldn't bother to lie again," Raito says, looking away now as if Matsuda is disappointing him. "That hasn't worked out well so far. You might as well admit you've let both sides down. And then you had the nerve to talk as if my father would have understood your decisions while condemning mine. How can you think you've got any right to talk like you were so special to him?"

Matsuda remembers how he was all your dad wouldn't have died and he wishes he could just black out, collapse, right now, going in so arrogant - that's the worst of it, not just being evil but constantly being so useless at it, going from one side to the other, to the Chief, to Raito, to Ide, begging for someone to be nice to him, help him, hold his hand and walk him through things and then he's given one chance, one chance to make good, to not make a mistake for once in his life and he screwed it up -

He has to speak because if he doesn't, Raito might think he hasn't got this, is still going along kidding himself that what he did isn't so bad and so he gulps and tries to get some air in his lungs as he stammers out, "I'm sorry - I'm sorry, please -"

"You don't deserve forgiveness."

Matsuda hears himself whisper, "You don't mean that..." even though the hurt of it is almost comforting because he pretty much expected it. Raito owes him nothing.

Raito crosses the room in a few steps until he's right in front of Matsuda.

"Yes, I do," he says, without anger now. "You don't deserve forgiveness. You deserve death. And that's what you want, now, isn't it? Now you've realised."

"I..." The walls and the smell of blood seem to crush him for a moment; he gasps for breath, and doing that makes him realised how tired he is, how much he wants to stop, just everything stop, every day he seems to do something more awful - "I know. I know but I'm... I'm scared... I'm so scared..."

"That's all right. It's because you haven't fully accepted it yet. You're still trying to convince yourself you're worth something. Once you give up on that, it'll be easier."

Matsuda doesn't think he believes that things will ever be easier, but Raito is smart enough to know this kind of stuff, isn't he? So he nods, and then - perhaps just because he doesn't want Raito to stop talking to him, doesn't want to have to be taken out of here and have everyone else hate him too - he risks another question: "When... when is it going to happen?"

"I don't know the exact timing yet. I need to liaise with NHN." A pause, like he expects Matsuda to have worked something out, but Matsuda has no idea what that something is, and so Raito carries on, "Your deaths have to be witnessed. Explaining it like he's talking to a child. "After the publicity all this has had, it needs to be established that Kira's power is still absolute."

Matsuda doesn't want to say it, but Raito is very close to him, watching sympathetically, and he doesn't sound angry any more and - perhaps he'll just laugh and say oh, don't be silly, I wouldn't do that -

"You're going to have us on... on TV," he says. "And... and kill us there."

"That's right. Of course, it will be upsetting for your families, but -"

Families. Matsuda thinks of his dad watching this, of everyone knowing what a waste of space his younger son is - his hand, they'll see his hand, know what was going on, know I gave in, I was too weak, people will remember, Akihiro Matsuda's kid, I ran into him a few times, I always thought he was useless -

"No -" he's yelling. "Please, please, you can't - you don't understand - I don't mind, I'll - you can kill me any time or - or I'll do it myself, any way you want, but just not that, not that please -"

Raito hits him across the face again; this time perfectly calmly, and Matsuda tries to catch his breath but his thoughts are boiling over, they'll see, everyone will know - he wants to shut up, he wants to act like an adult for once but he can't. Raito just stands and watches him and once Matsuda has run out of breath enough that he can't talk any more, speaks again.

"I understand perfectly," he says. "When someone commits a crime, it's not just their victims who suffer. The criminal's family does as well. That's another reason why Kira has to exist. People continue to do things because they want to, because they're selfish, and they don't even care about how many other people they hurt in the process. Perhaps they will if the shame of what they've done is made explicit. Perhaps you would have thought differently if you'd known this was coming."

I'll do it myself, Matsuda thinks, or maybe he says, I'll do it myself, got to be some way -

"No," Raito says, and he leans close so that his face is inches away from Matsuda's and his eyes are narrowed and Matsuda is struggling to back away before he can think, "you will do nothing stupid, do you hear me? All it would convey is how you're still deluding yourself that you're heroic. That you somehow deserve to have your honour restored. No one would believe it, Matsuda. It would just be obvious how stupid you are, thinking you can avoid facing up to your sins. And I doubt it would make the others any fonder of you."

Silence for a second, and Raito says, surprisingly patiently, "Do you understand?"

It's like Matsuda suddenly does, like all the things he didn't get his entire life have fallen into place and he looks around and... none of it was really anything anyway. He's stopped. He's stopped crying and gasping for breath and the air feels thin and tired and like everything is over already so what's the point in making a fuss?

Say something, say something -

"Sorry -" he begins, and then, "Yes -" and then "Sorry -" again because even he can tell he's making no sense. But Raito just smiles at him and - Matsuda knows he shouldn't but - he smiles back. He smiles back and then he feels the smile breaking up because what is he - what is he doing, he shouldn't - he and Raito are meant to hate each other but he can't, he can't -

"It's all right," Raito says, and actually pats him on the head, strokes his hair. "Everything's going to be all right now. Kira's world is here and everyone's going to be happy. You don't need to worry about anything any more. Dying won't be frightening, because you'll know you deserve it." He considers for a second, then: "I know you'll understand that. Because you understand why Kira is needed, don't you?"

Matsuda doesn't think he understands anything much right now but he manages to take another gulp of air and then nod.

"Now, that's enough talking," Raito says at last. I have a lot to do."

ooo

The door unlocks and for what seems like years the guys in suits are just staring at them both, taking their fucking time about it, Ide thinks, and at the same time that's good, just being watched is fine, it's what's coming next he's scared of, and god, what if Raito actually - no, there is no if, Raito will -

They point at Matsuda.

Ide's hardly able to stay upright, the relief crashes over him like a wave. By the time he's reminding himself that in no way means he's off the hook, Matsuda has already taken a couple of shaky steps forward and now Ide's remembering what the guy just said about wanting to be brave and how scared he is and - god, and how stupid he is about Raito -

But Matsuda doesn't look round, he's just marched out and the door slams shut behind him and Ide takes a deep breath and exhales into his hands and tries really hard not to think about anything but now. About how he's hungry and his mouth is dry and he could really do with some coffee. And a shower. And being somewhere that's not a cell. He goes over and over that sort of thing but even as he does it becomes desperate, running from one sensation to another, anything not to think about what could be going on out there. Or what could be happening to him next. If Matsuda keeps anything back, they'll try and get it out of Ide instead - hell, even if Matsuda tells them everything he knows they might still - just to be sure - and once one of them has spilled the beans, then they and Aizawa and Mogi will all be killed.

And then of course to distract from all that he starts saying, he starts saying to himself, if you had those pages with you now, would you use them? Testing the idea like it's a sore tooth, waiting to see when he'll get the stab of horror at the idea. It doesn't come. To have the papers in his hands, to draw blood from a finger, to trace Raito's name, to know that the bastard was going to die within a minute - a chance to save yourself - or at least to hit back, take him down with you if his followers decided you knew too much -

I'd do it. I'd do it and then I'd burn the damn things and that'd be it. He wonders if he would - burn them, that is. Things have already gone to hell so fast he's not exactly got confidence in them not continuing to get worse. It's all very well to - to say to people that morally, academically, philosophically you shouldn't have that power, but if someone else has it, or is after it, and they've backed you into a corner... He remembers what Raito said to Aizawa, how sick his friend had looked at the implied threat. Even he wouldn't give me a hard time about it, not in this situation. Hell, he'd probably thank me, now that things have got this bad. When it comes down to it - the world has forced him into this, no one would condemn him for it, no one would even know -

And of course this is all fucking pointless because he doesn't have those pages and there's no way he's going to get them so why is he trying to kid himself there's any way out? He should be trying to, whatever, trying to prepare for questioning, or for Raito appearing and telling him he's going to die in forty seconds, or maybe not even that, maybe he'll just be sitting here waiting and suddenly collapse. His chest aches a little at the thought. He tries to hear his own heartbeat, so steady, there's no reason for it suddenly to stop. He doesn't want to die. He can't die, he - it - it's not time yet - which of course was no doubt what all of Raito's victims thought, what the vast majority of humanity has thought if they get a chance to realise what's about to happen, and you'd think an experience which you know you'll share with so many millions of others wouldn't still seem this frightening -

Still silence outside.

Matsuda may be an idiot but he can be unexpectedly resourceful at times. Like that stunt with the Yotsuba Group. Or giving his name to Mello as L. Maybe he'll have kept it together. Or come up with some kind of convincing story that will at least buy them time. Like how he came out with all that stuff to Mariko Sato to explain why Aizawa was looking so drained at the time. Except that was before he made a number of really stupid decisions that exploded in his face and left him pretty much convinced Kira's his only hope. And Raito knows that. And there's no point in going over all this again. Hell, even if Ide and Matsuda manage to bluff it out, Aizawa knows about those pages too. Raito will tell him his family's lives hang in the balance, he'll say what he has to in order to save them, and then Raito will ask Ide what he did with the pages and -

Every way you map it out, it comes back to the same conclusion.

Still no one coming back. Is that good? Suggests Matsuda hasn't just blurted everything out because he's reverted to his earlier pro-Kira stance. Although Ide's not sure why that should be a good thing. Perhaps just because it makes his own willingness to trust the man look a little less stupid. Whatever. Nothing bad is happening right this second. This is just waiting. And that's what he ends up with, that at this second he is still breathing and nothing horrible has happened. Breathe in, and breathe out, and so far, nothing's stopping him.

Until he hears the footsteps and then even though he tries to keep his breathing calm it judders and sticks in his throat and his chest tightens as the sounds get closer and closer and then of course they stop outside the door and the lock rattles and Ide just thinks they're going to - and doesn't even need to finish the sentence before fear tears through him like something's grabbing his insides and twisting them into a knot. The door is already opening despite that and he wants to look like he doesn't give a damn what Raito's got to say or at least like he's not scared but he can't, he stares at the floor instead, he's not going to give Raito the satisfaction of looking into his face as he breaks whatever horrible news there is.

He can just see Raito's feet out of the corner of his eye; and those of two of the men in sunglasses; and Matsuda's. So Matsuda's still standing at least - and he tilts his head a little and then he sees the blood splatters all over the man's clothes and he freezes, he can't turn his gaze away, because all can think is what have they done -

Raito clears his throat - it's almost a laugh - and says, "Ide... I thought you believed using the notebook at all was morally wrong. Isn't that what you said?"

There's no way Raito would sound that happy if Matsuda hadn't told him something he could use. Ide grits his teeth hard enough to make his jaw ache because the last thing he wants to do is throw up through sheer terror. Or break down and start begging for his life. And he's not at all sure either of those things are outside the realm of possibility.

A sudden movement out of the corner of his eye and then Matsuda cries out, voice cracked and aching, and Ide has looked up before he can stop himself and any hope he had that he could put on a calm face is dashed as he looks properly at Matsuda. The guy looks barely conscious, held between the two black-suited bodyguards - his lip's cut, his face swollen and bruised, and one hand is - it's wrapped in blood-speckled bandages, but something's not right with the shape of it. Raito has just let go of it, the bastard clearly twisted Matsuda's wrist or something, and now he smiles, eyes glittering.

"It would make this conversation a lot easier if you answered when I asked you a question," he says. "So tell me - did you say you believed using the notebook at all was morally wrong?"

Ide hates him and wants that to be all he's feeling but under it there's slow miserable terror because he thinks he knows why Raito is asking. That's why he doesn't try and bluff it out or argue back, he just nods, finding himself unable to keep meeting Raito's gaze, go on, just say it, just fucking say it, but even now he's hoping maybe he's wrong, maybe there's still hope -

"So do tell me why you felt the need to carry pages from it with you." Raito pauses, like he's waiting to see the impact of his words, like he really thinks Ide might not have been smart enough to work out what this is leading up to. "Or were you considering becoming a new Kira?"

Matsuda is staring at Raito, and he's actually whispering sorry, sorry, and tensing like he expects to be punched in the face and so Ide quickly says, "I don't need a lecture from you of all people," and then, pathetically, "I thought it might be useful." Even as he says it, his throat tightens, and Raito smiles and says, "Well, I think we can agree it's been that."

Ide forces himself to scowl, roll his eyes like he thinks it was an idiotic remark to make. He has a horrible feeling that if he doesn't at least pretend he's mainly angry he'll stop being anything other than scared. Matsuda is dead-white, still watching them both. Ide can't quite make himself keep looking at Raito.

"Don't act like you have nothing to blame yourself for," the man says. "You're as complicit in the deaths of the task force as Matsuda and Mogi are." A sigh. "I can't imagine what Aizawa's reaction will be once the truth comes out."

Ide really doesn't want to speculate on it, so he snaps, "I'm sorry, I think I'd rather blame you than any of us for what's going to happen. Seeing as you'll be the one writing down the names and all." Or have they already been written down? Is Raito waiting for him and Matsuda to suddenly collapse at his feet? Just stand there watching us - And he carries on, trying to drown out that thought: "I mean it's a bit late to try and make me see the error of my ways, right? A few - a few minutes isn't enough to -"

"Minutes?" Raito sounds so scornful that Ide actually does manage to look him in the face, simple irritation at being talked to like he's an idiot blocking out the terror. Raito has probably spent the last five years being privately incredulous at his colleagues' stupidity. Must be a relief to be able to get it out in the open - "Really, Ide, you overestimate NHN's organisational skills. It'll be at least an hour or so, I would imagine. It takes time to set up a live broadcast, even if Kira's ordered it."

It seems like ages before Ide realises that he's staring at Raito like an idiot and far back in the depths of his mind someone yells at him to snap out of it, stop letting Raito see the effect he's having, but he can't, he can't think what to say. To be shoved in front of a camera, to die on national TV for god's sake - and once that's happened there'll be no going back, no one will be able to admit he didn't deserve death because then that would mean admitting how fucked-up the situation was. This is it, this is the end of line - he's not only going to be killed, he'll be remembered as someone who was justly punished -

Raito is smiling, and then he's turning to the bodyguards, motioning them to let go of Matsuda, who doesn't move. The bodyguards are already leaving, and Raito makes to follow them, but then he glances back, looking so fucking proud of himself and so satisfied with the situation that Ide's horror is almost overtaken by the urge to get up, grab Raito by the hair and slam his face into the wall a few times.

"It looks like you're finally realising what it means to defy Kira," Raito says. "I'm sorry it's taken you this long. And... I'm sorry I can't spare your lives, but you've been given too many chances."

He pauses, like he expects them to grab onto that sentence, start begging. Ide curls his hands into fists and tries not to think because he is not going to fall for something like that, it wouldn't work anyway, he is not -

"You're insane," he says, and he thinks of Soichiro Yagami's perfect son and of how childlike, how gleeful Raito is sounding now and he realises the bastard actually believes everything he's saying and he feels sick that somehow Raito got to this point without anyone noticing. "You are completely mad and I bet everyone around you knows it. Or if they don't, they'll soon figure it out." Raito's smile has vanished and Ide carries on, "You really think no one else acts like you because you're so special and you're better than them? No one else acts like you because you're a lunatic. At least - at least I can hold a conversation without frothing at the mouth and screaming about what a god I am every five seconds."

Raito stares at him and he's gone pale but his eyes are blazing with fury and Ide actually finds whatever his next sentence was drying up in his mouth. Matsuda gulps, and then he starts whispering apologies again. Ide expects Raito to turn on one of them, remind them of their imminent death, maybe even attack Matsuda physically, but no - Raito just turns away and the door slams shut behind him.

Matsuda shudders and then he looks over at it and then, horribly, tears start sliding down his face. Ide feels even sicker and makes himself think practically, he still doesn't know exactly what they did, Matsuda could be quietly bleeding to death over there. "Come on - come and sit down -" Matsuda doesn't look at him, but when Ide gets up, puts a hand on his arm, pulls him forward, he goes with it, feet catching on the floor. They slump down onto the bottom bunk and Ide grabs Matsuda's wrist and now he can see properly - the thumb and the index finger grey like leftovers against the bandage and then - just the bottom joint of the middle finger, looking lost and stupid, a halfhearted attempt at normality, and that's all.

He thinks he curses and Matsuda shivers and then starts to speak, the words sliding about in his mouth like he isn't quite awake: "Don't say anything. You don't need to say anything. I said I'd do it myself but he wouldn't let me, he wants it... he wants it on TV..."

"Yes, I got that part."

"He wants everyone to see," Matsuda says, "he wants everyone to see and - and this -" He swallows, his voice cracking. "He said it would be okay, he said I wouldn't - scared but - I can't - I can't do it -"

"Stop it." Ide doesn't want to hear this, the desperation in Matsuda's voice, the lack of any attempt to be brave or confident or how the Chief would want. It's making him feel like he's been punched in the throat and he has to try and get a grip himself before he can even think of what to say (what the hell can he say?) and Matsuda's already carrying on, "I know I deserve it - I know I fucked up and I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but please -" He's gripping Ide's wrist with his uninjured hand, hard enough for it to be painful."Please don't - I can't do it, I just can't, I -"

"Shut up, Matsuda!"

He didn't mean to yell it and he didn't mean to sound so angry, but - having to say I can't do anything, I can't help, you're on your own, coupled with the revulsion at what's coming - hey, wouldn't he like to say I can't do it and act like that'll actually achieve anything? He almost says that but Matsuda is already huddling over, muttering apologies like he isn't even sure what he's meant to be sorry for. Ide feels all the tiredness and the frustration of the last few days hit him like a blow on the back of the head and he presses his palms to his eyes, trying to kid himself that it's soothing or at least takes away the tiredness. It doesn't really help at all.

"Stop apologising," he says. "He was right, I've screwed up as much as you have." It's easier to say it with his eyes closed; he can pretend he's half-asleep and doesn't really know what he's saying.

But Matsuda doesn't answer, and when Ide opens his eyes he sees the other man still slumped, still not looking at him.

"Are you listening?" he says.

"I'm sorry," Matsuda says again, glancing over at him, huddled, scared, but it's obvious he isn't even focusing properly. "I didn't mean to and I did and - I'll die, I'm going to die, that's - I can - but he'll hate me - he'll think I'm, I'm nothing -"

Ide realises, a cold sense like finding himself alone in the cell, that there is no point in arguing this. Matsuda's not thinking about what he's saying, he's quite possibly not even fully conscious. It's just shock, he tells himself, it's the shock and the pain and... and if we're going to be sitting around for a bit, he'll pull himself together. He has to, right? Raito would love it if one of them could actually be got to admit their guilt to the nation -

Don't think about that. Matsuda's damaged hand tangles its fingers in his vision. Okay, an injury, that's something you can deal with. He reaches out and, when Matsuda doesn't react, takes hold of the other man's wrist again. Is this what you'd call romance? If Matsuda were still - still like himself, still able to make stupid comments even in the darkest of moments, Ide would actually say it, would ask whether all those stupid dramas cover what you're supposed to do when the other person has been mutilated, and if not, then what is the point of them?

The situation certainly doesn't seem romantic to him. It would be bad enough if he and Matsuda were still just colleagues, but the juxtaposition of the missing fingers with earlier memories of Matsuda's hands is making Ide feel sick - and worse than that, stupid and furious and tired, just that that could have happened once and now this has. He bites down hard on his lower lip, tells himself that no one's going to be helped if they both crack up. Worse things happen every day, and at least they bandaged it up, stuck a tourniquet round the wrist; the bleeding's slowed, he can see it. But stupid reminders of what you're meant to do keep passing through his mind. That you have to find the severed fingers and keep them on ice. That the wound has to be kept clean. Like any of it fucking matters.

In the end all he does is yank the blanket up from the bed and wrap it round Matsuda's shoulders. Matsuda barely even seems to notice; he just stares ahead, breath shaking as he cries. Ide has to struggle not to shout at him to stop, to get it together, to cope. It won't help. Like it or not, he's going to be doing the coping for both of them until Raito comes back. And after that, it won't matter any more, will it? He reaches out, puts an arm round Matsuda, but the other man seems hardly even to notice, and for the first time since all this started, them touching is awkward, uncomfortable. Of course, fine, Raito would be happy to know every little scrap of comfort's been taken from them, wouldn't he? Ide wishes he could convince himself he can cope without physical contact, without other people being strong around him. He wishes he could know he'd - stay brave, stay himself, whatever Raito does. But having to let his arm slide back to his side like he's some awkward teenager and feeling how useless even that makes him feel, he doesn't have much faith in his own strength. Not now.