EDIT IMPORTANT FOR THOSE WHO HAVE READ CHAPTER 12 BEFORE- I redid the chapter because I honestly hated the first time i wrote the chapter. I thought it was rushed and a little stupid. But I wrote it because I was stressed and I write to calm myself down. Now that I can see correctly, I can see I'm going off course with my original idea for this story… about an affair of two people that should be together and a celebrity hiding behind a mask. I would go rewrite chapter 11 too, but that chapter was so popular, so, I'll leave it the way it is... terribly written smut. (It was my first time so hopefully I'm excused). Anyway, think of this as Part II of Per Sempre Tua, the first part being the seduction and this part being the relationship or the fight to be together.

Disclaimer – I own nothing but the plot.

Thanks for all the favs and follows! I don't thank you guys enough!

I've been on a Eurovision high ever since I got the category for SongPop… my sister thought I was crazy for getting the category since she didn't even know about it… we do live in Canada after all. But I bought it since I knew about Waterloo, Fairytale, Popular and Euphoria. And I was like why not. I buy categories to learn about new music I might like.

Greco-Roman mythology reference: Ulysses (Odysseus in Greek, I would think that Romano would use the Roman names for Greco-Roman mythology). I honestly think it's a good comparison for this chapter. And Pandora's Box.

Mei Chang = Taiwan

Nik = The Turkish Republic of Northern Cyprus

Translations

I think the words in this chapter are pretty basic, both Italian and Spanish.


Chapter 12

Tornerò, tornerò

La mia vita ti darò

Tornerai, tornerai

Mia per sempre tu sarai

Tornerò (Mihai Trãistariu) 2006

"Antonio," I said looking at myself cry in the mirror.

What had-I done? What the fuck had-I done?! I was a fucking slut! I had slept with him. Oh fucking fuck. Yes, I admit that I was totally in love with that man. But… I shouldn't have done that. He was married! Sure, he told me that he was leaving his wife but he was probably just confused. The fucker didn't understand what he was doing. He's living a new life, a life people only dream off. It was easy to get caught up in the lifestyle. But that was not Antonio. He was not one of us. He was not someone who went off and cheated on his wife. He was an innocent, naïve, oblivious, nice man. What had I made him into? If this got out, his reputation would be ruined. His first album was full of songs about his wife or his life. That was the man that Antonio was. He was not the person I was making him into. I was forcing him into a relationship with me. He told me that he planned to come here to reject me, like he should have. He should have broken my heart. He should have crushed it into millions of pieces and then walked all over it. He should have fixed everything with Blondie. I was being stupid and selfish as usual. I was thinking about myself and my needs and my feelings. I kissed him. I lead him on. I did this to him. I told him that I loved him. I was an adulterer. I ruined a happy marriage. Antonio wasn't confused before he met me. He was happy-go-lucky Antonio Fernandez Carriedo, school teacher turned singer. He was an honest man. He was a family man and a man of the community. He was the type to have a little Giovanni (I think the Spanish equivalent would be José), and coach his little league soccer team. Not one to go behind the backs of everyone that knew him and fuck another man. Or the type to tell them that he loved him back. Fuck, Antonio told me that he loved me back. Did he really love me back? Or was it a heat of the moment thing? No, Antonio was just confused about everything. He was a simple farm boy living a life he shouldn't.

I turned on the faucet and splashed water on my face. My face was red and hot. It didn't help that I had a hangover. People with moral dilemmas should not have hangovers. My head was splitting in two. I blame the moral dilemma on some of that pain.

I looked at myself in the mirror again. I looked like fucking shit. My hair was messy. My face was red. My eyes were red and puffy. I cried again. Fuck, I never cried before I met Antonio. Now, I was like a fucking teenage girl!

To calm myself down, I decided to take a long, warm shower. I needed to forget everything. I blasted music… I made sure none of it would be one of Antonio's songs… and took a long shower. I just let the shower wash away all thoughts and sins. I washed every inch of my body twice, some places thrice. I wasn't going to think about how I ruined Antonio's career. No. I was going to concentrate on my lines and the last episode of The Smuggler. Fuck, sometimes I wished I could be Mario Moretti, the cool, savvy, street wise gangster... But I was him, if I tried hard enough, I could be him and forget everyone else. That's why I loved acting. I could escape my life and be someone else. I could be someone everyone loved. Everyone loved my character. He was hot and there was a certain fondness for those bad boys, but at the same time, he could hold family values and family was more important to him than anything else. People loved him. None of them liked me. My family was forced to like me. Everyone else I knew liked me for my character and my prestige. I was the grandson of Romulus Vargas, the son of Alessandro Vargas Sr. and Catrina Vargas. I was a household name. I was Romano. People liked Romano and what he brought, not Lovino, the cowardly man behind the mask nor the grumpy man that swears and acts like a selfish prick nor the man that manipulated a clean-cut, married man to think that he was in love with him. No one liked the man behind the façade. I was terrible and ruined a man's marriage and career. A man I believed I loved. Why would someone do this to someone they loved. I should have just let him go. Why the fuck didn't I? Oh yeah, I was stupid and a coward. Yep.

So, the shower didn't help. Instead, I decided to lie on my bed and just listen to music. I started to let the lyrics take me away. I just closed my eyes and sang to the music into my pillow.

Eventually, I had to answer my phone. It kept ringing and ringing and ringing. It was Luise. She explained that we needed to have a meeting about all these interviews the production team (aka Sadiq) of The Smuggler wanted me to do. I told her to come over. It wasn't like I was doing anything.

I got dress in something quick. I didn't care about what I wore or how I looked. This was only Luise after all and in a month I will be forced to see her puke her brains out because my stupid brother will get the dyke pregnant. I have my doubts about the father of the child, but they swear I'm an uncle… and I still can't believe Luise, the most organized woman I knew, got pregnant accidently. Anyway, that's a story for another time.

I was eating Nutella toast when Luise came in with her brief case. We were going to have a meeting. Yay. This was going to be fun. Not that I was already having a terrible day. I still had a headache after all.

"Guten mor… this place is a mess." That's how Luise greeted me. How special am-I?

"Yeah, the maid hasn't come this week. She says she's sick," I explained.

"You're just like your brother sometimes," Luise sighed under her breath. But I heard her. She sat on the couch… the same couch that all last night started on. The place where Antonio and I started kissing. I could feel his lips on mine. His hands caressing my sides. I could hear his voice speaking to me. I could smell his intoxicating aroma filling my nostrils.

"I have an office where we could do this," I told Luise.

"Yes, but you hate using your office."

"I don't feel like being in the living room today." Yeah, I didn't want to be suffocated with the memory of last night.

"Are you alright? You don't look like yourself and you haven't sworn since I got here." Luise caught on. She was smart after all.

"I'm fucking fine," I snapped.

She didn't look pleased with that. She knew something was up. Her blue eyes studied me for a second. "Let's go to the office then," she said patiently.

Sometimes I wondered why Luise decided to guide me in my career. Seriously, Feli couldn't have that much control over her that she would put up with my abuse.

It was true that I didn't use my office very often. It was the cleanest part of my apartment. Seriously, the maid used it as a lunchroom. There was some dust here and there. But nothing messy. I didn't have anything in there but a desk and a few chairs. I felt better in here. Antonio had never been in here.

Luise sat in one of the chairs. She emptied the brief cased and organized the papers and her electronics perfectly. This was Luise and she was anal about these things. Why was she dating and pretending to be in love with Feli, enough to have a child with him? I don't know.

"The season is almost over."

"."

"Now, I have some interviews and promotions for you to go to." I nodded. "You'll have to pick two out of three charity events. I was thinking you should go to the cancer charity event, because that's a horrid diseased that needs to be cured. But at the same time, people know about that problem. You might also want to promote public awareness on the arts for elementary schools and teen pregnancy. Maybe you should go to all of them… no, if you don't go to the teen pregnancy one, you can do a commercial for Mei Chang." Just to remind you, she was unknown back then. And for those who don't know fashion, Mei Chang is a fashion designer.

"Sure."

"Okay, I thought you might say that, so I ordered some clothes from her collection. You can go over it with Feliks or whoever." I nodded. I saw Luise look suspiciously at me. But she continued.

I wasn't doing much this summer but charity events, promotion of the show, modelling for various magazines, modelling for a commercial, going to a couple of parties and Feli and I were going to be judges on Françoise's Sex in the Kitchen show. I told Luise I didn't want to start a movie career just yet, like Theodora. During this time period it was easier to make a movie, and that was what Theodora was doing. Even Jean-Jacques was making a cameo in a film. Elizaveta was taking a break and was going to travel Europe with her husband. Feliks was keeping it quiet, like me.

But every time Luise said something, whenever I tried to concentrate on what she was saying, all I could think about was last night. I was trying to fight the memories but they kept coming back. I felt so bad when I felt his hands travelling up my body and his lips attached to my neck.

"Are you depressed?" Luise asked.

Sí Lovi, you look down. Do you want me to cheer you up? Great now I was imagining him talking to me. I was going fucking insane!

"What?"

"Are you suffering a depression?" Luise asked.

I can fix it. I can make you feel better. Fuck off Antonio. You're the reason I'm like this.

"No!"

"Is it drugs?"

Because drugs are bad and we want you to be healthy. Really? Even my imaginary Antonio was a moron.

"Fuck no!" Well, if you don't count Antonio as an addiction.

"An eating disorder?"

Lovi, you're just perrrrrrfecto the way you are. I could feel him saying that seductively in my ears. I felt his throat vibrate while he rolled the r in perfecto.

"NO! I like my body the way it is!" One of the only things I liked about myself.

That's good Lovi, because you are so handsome and bello. He was caressing my sides and nibbling on my ear. I tried not to fall into the fantasy.

"Feliciano is worried. And if you do have a problem, you can talk to him. He wants to help you." Or he feels like he has too because that's what family does.

Your brother loves you. Did he really have to comment on everything? Yeah, if you ever watch a movie with Antonio, don't. He talks throughout the entire movie.

"I'm fine."

You're not. Shut up.

Luise eyed me. "I know you don't like me." That's true. "But you are my client." That was true too. "If there is anything that might influence your career, you can tell me. I would not tell a soul and protect you. Also, I've helped you out of a lot of situations. Remember your stalker last year?" I would like to forget it.

A stalker? No one is allowed to touch my Lovi but me. Great, he was now possessive. Do I have to remind you about a certain blonde you are touching?

"I took care of her." She made it sound like she was a mafia boss and had her killed. Luise actually just brought her to court. "And how each time you get a speeding ticket, it never hits the news?" I nodded. Where was she the day the pictures of me in the Orange shirt popped up? "And if it wasn't for me, right now a magazine would be heading that you and Elizaveta are having an affair."

Fantasy Antonio stopped everything he was doing. Both of our mouths were wide open. If this was a cartoon, our mouths would be to the ground.

"What! Why would I ever sleep with that creeper?!" It was fucking Elizaveta! She spends most of her time with Feliks… it would be Feliks she would be cheating on Roderich with… too bad Feliks is as gay as a unicorn shitting rainbows. The people had it somewhat right, I was the third person in Antonio's and Emma's marriage.

Sí, that's loco. Shut the fuck up.

"I know it as untrue and so does everyone else we know but it does make a good story. But thanks to me, those headlines never hit the stands. It turned out some girl photo shopped the pictures the tabloids were going to print as true." Eww. Elizaveta and me. Eww. "What I'm saying, if there are problems, you can tell me and I'll help." I looked at her blankly. So did fantasy Antonio. "Is there anything that I can help you with?" I continued to look at her blankly. Should I tell a woman I openly hate that I had sex and was totally in love with Antonio? She wouldn't understand. Anyway, she was just offering help for Feli's sake. Feli must have put her up to this. Because it's always about Feli.

People care for you too you know. Like me. Fuck off you horny bastard!

"I'm fine."

She still didn't look convince. "When you need to talk, call Feliciano." With that she left.

I sighed again and banged my head on my desk.

That was interesting.

"Shut up," I said grinding my teeth.

Lovi, maybe we can't fix this on our own. Maybe we should ask for help?

"No," I stated. "I can fix this. I just need to figure out how."

Imaginary Antonio sat on my desk. He was looking down on me with those perfecto green eyes. He was even petting my hair. I was going fucking insane.

"I can figure this out. This is my fault and I am the one who is going to fix it. I have to be the one to fix it."

Lovi, sometimes we need help with these kinds of things. You can't be expected to fix your problems by yourself.

"Of course I can fuckface."

Antonio sighed. You are so stubborn sometimes, mi armor.

"I got us into this mess. If I didn't lead you on, I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't be feeling this way. I need to fix this. If only I let you go. Fuck, I promised your sister that I would remind you that inside you were the same Antonio as you were a year ago."

But Lovi, I'm not the same Antonio as I was a year ago.

"I know that. I changed you into this thing!"

No, you did not. People change all the time. The events of our lives change us. I had changed before I met you. You've changed too. You're not the same man as you were five months ago.

Okay, my subconscious or whatever was really playing mind tricks on me. How was my mind this archaic? Or was these my insecurities debating with some other part of me. That makes sense… right? I'm not crazy… right?

"Can you fucking leave me alone?" I yelled/asked.

I'm a figment of your imagination. You can make me leave at any point.

Yeah. Why did I feel like Remy from Ratatouille talking to Gusteau? Seriously, this was fucking insane.

"Then why aren't you gone?"

You don't want me to leave.

"No, I want you gone. I want life back to normal. I want to go back to not caring about love and romance. I want to go back to my one-night stands. No emotions. I want my old life. I want to be that man who didn't give a fuck about anything!"

You are not that man.

"I can be. If only you were gone!"

I got up and left the room. I slammed the door shut behind me. Maybe that would force Antonio away.

It didn't.

I was stuck with him haunting me. I tried everything to get that illusion to leave me. I started to watch television. That didn't help. Even when I had my stereo at full blast… and let me tell you that it was loud as fuck. Eventually, I turned that off. Then I went to the kitchen and cook, with music blasting. Nope. That didn't work. He was there watching me cook. He was even giving me pointers! Fuck that was fucked. After eating, I decided to practice my lines. That was the most fucked of everything. I was practicing my lines with the illusion of Antonio. He was saying everyone else's lines while I said mine.

That was when I called someone. I actually went eeny meeny miny moe with all my co-stars, expect Elizaveta. I wasn't going to practice with her. She's friends with Blondie.

Theodora won, so I called her. She was having dinner with her family. Nik, her little brother, told her to get off her phone. So, Theodora was off the list. So was Jean-Jacques, honestly I don't have that many lines with him. Feliks was … I don't know what he was doing. When I called him, he was talking a mile an hour and I did not understand a word he said. All I knew, he was busy. Even, my co-stars didn't want to spend time with me. I was a horrible human being.

My next decision was to call Sandro. But he was working. Yes, Sandro actually works. So, I wasn't going to spend time with him. Feli was still in Vancouver. Fuck if I was going to call Nonno. Babbo was in New York. Mamma was in France. I was alone with Antonio, the figment of my imagination. This fucking sucked ass.

Ignoring it doesn't help your problem. It doesn't solve anything. I fucking know that. I'm not a fucking moron. I went back to practicing my lines with fantasy Antonio. Why not.

By the end of the night, I knew my lines better than I had ever had. Not just that I knew them, I could act them out perfectly. Hence my third Emmy. Yeah, go crazy for a day, you'll get an Emmy.

I was lying in my bed. I checked my messages. Feli texted me. I texted him back. We talked a bit. That didn't do anything for my problem with imaginary Antonio. He was lying beside me and commented on whatever was going on. How fun.

Anyway, during the time I was texting Feli, Antonio, the real one, texted me.

Buenas noches 3

A heart! He fucking texted a heart! I was a terrible man. How could I fucking do this?

What should I do? Should-I reply… yeah it was only polite. But what should I reply. I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to say too much. His wife might catch on.

You too

It was a simple text. Nothing too much. Nothing to lead him on or anything. It was just simple.

After that, I texted bye to Feli and then went to bed. I had to wake up early tomorrow for the show.

While trying to sleep, imaginary Antonio hugged me. His arms wrapped around me and he gave me a simple kiss on the neck. It felt too right. Way too right.

Why did loving him have to be so hard? Why couldn't he be an openly gay unmarried man so I could have him? I needed that man. I needed him to hug and love me. Fuck. But I couldn't let that happen, for his sake. For his sake, I couldn't need him.

That was when I figured out what to do. I'll try again. I'll try cutting him out of my life. It was for the best.

I fell asleep after texting Antonio to meet me tomorrow at nine at my house. I wanted to invite him somewhere public but, you know the paparazzi. They would have a field day if they found out about us. Antonio Fernandez cheats on wife with Romano Vargas. The tabloids would go crazy. Well, they... never mind, you know what the tabloids would say.

The next morning, I will admit, I was nervous as hell. I was going to finally tell Antonio that we couldn't see each other anymore. It should be fast. I could bring him to my living room and we could talk there. Five minutes tops. It had to be quick. Why was I so fucking delusional?

Other than my nervousness, the morning went on as normal. When I was almost finished getting ready, Luise would arrive with breakfast. She would then yell at me like we were in the military and then out the door we went. Though, Luise was a little nicer than usual. I didn't notice that at the time because all I cared about was my nervousness. I was practicing what I was going to say to Antonio in my mind. Antonio, we can't see each other anymore. Straight to the point was a good way to start. Right? This was a breakup. Fuck, I never broken up with someone before! What if I do it wrong? Is there a right way to break up with someone? Don't think about that Lovino.

"Did you practice your lines yesterday?" Luise asked in the car. I nodded. "How much?"

"All afternoon and all last night."

Luise looked at me confusedly. "Truthfully?"

I nodded. "I know all my lines. I might be a little rusty this morning. Just let me go over them once and I can recite them again." By the way, I have never memorized my lines like that. It usually takes me a few days and I improvise a lot too. Sure, I improvised with Antonio last night too. I made some changes to the script. Oh well to the writers.

"I don't know what to say."

"Then don't say anything."

She nodded.

Yep, we were acting civil towards each other. I wasn't swearing or anything. I was too busy being anxious to care or hate. And Feli was probably telling her to be extra nice to me.

Luise drop me off at the stage we film at. I saw a few tourists outside of the studio. I didn't think studios did tours until 9 am. Why the fuck were they here? But, I didn't dwell on that too long. Instead, I walked into the studio and went to my dressing room.

I shared my dressing room with Feliks. Yeah, they gave both men who like other men, the same dressing room. Anyway, Feliks was always there first.

"Hey Romano!" Feliks said. He then gave me a hug. I pushed him off, of course. "Sorry, I couldn't practice yesterday. I was like so busy! Like Iryna had this…" and then the mile an hour talking started. I wasn't in the mind frame to care (not that I ever care) or follow that rant. Who could follow it? Maybe his boyfriend but I doubted that.

Feliks talked while the guys and girls got us dressed for the show. Then we were off to make-up.

Feliks was made to look like Julian Lewandowski and I was made to look like Mario Moretti. I put on the fedora and then off we went to the stage. Feliks was still talking a mile an hour. I still didn't listen to him. I was rehearsing in my mind what I was going to say to Antonio later that day. But once I hit the stage, I changed. I eased Antonio out of my mind and turned into Mario. That was a thing I did. Once I walked on the stage, I became someone else. My whole being was different. The way I walked was more confident. I smile seductively and manipulatively. I was a new confident and brave man. But why am-I telling you this. Watch the show and you'll see how I act.

Gupta was waiting for us on the stage. He told us were to go. Theodora was there, looking Angie like. Elizaveta was there looking like Magdolna. Jean-Jacques looked like Guillaume. We were the cast. We were ready to film the last episode of season two.

I like acting. I like pretending to be someone else. Someone with different problems that always get solved the way he wanted it to be solved. Mario would have seduced Antonio away from Blondie, without a second thought. What Mario wants, he gets. He doesn't have to lift a finger and he gets what he wants. He never got his hands dirty. Never. Maybe with Magdolna sometimes. But almost never.

Time passed so quickly. As soon as I knew it, it was lunch time. Fuck, I was that much closer to my meeting with Antonio.

As soon as they called lunch, I went back to being pathetic Lovino. On the outside I was calm and cool but on the inside I was freaking out because I was going to tell Antonio that we couldn't see each other. I knew this was going to be hard. I've tried for a while. But today was the day that I was going to do it. I was going to do it.

As usual, my co-stars tried to get me to eat lunch with them. I didn't, I told them I had an important thing to do. I don't know what they were thinking but I don't really care either. It wasn't like I was being Mister Sociable for the last few weeks.

I didn't eat. I wasn't hungry. What I did was write lines on my phone. Should I start with We shouldn't see each other anymore. Or I'm crazy for you but this is wrong and you need to stay with your wife. Or Antonio, I've been in love with you since I first saw you. So, it pains me to tell you that we cannot see each other anymore. None of them sounded right. I couldn't tell him that I loved him. That would give him hope. Hope. I was not going to be the one that would let hope out of Pandora's Box.

Before long, I was back to being the confident, sly and cool Mario Moretti. My escape.

Too bad you can't escape real life for that long.

I was soon back at home, alone waiting for Antonio to arrive. I was pacing around my kitchen. Still rehearsing what I was going to say to the bastard.

This isn't the only option. Fantasy Antonio explained sitting on my counter. He was looking at me with weary eyes.

"It's the best option. It's the only one that would protect both of us from future humiliation and heart-break. I can't ruin his career. I just can't. It just started."

Sí, but Lovi, musicians get away with a lot. They could be on the brinks of death by overdose and next thing you know, they are back on the scene. Musicians are known to do the craziest things and still be loved by millions and millions. Michael Jackson had those child molestation charges. He still had millions of fans.

"He lost fans too."

Lovi, if people could see how much you love me and how much I love you. They would understand.

"You don't love me. You just think you love me. You're just confused."

Fantasy Antonio looked hurt by that comment. But he stayed quite while I thought about this.

It was a little pass nine when Antonio, the real one, arrived. I heard the elevator ding and then a knock at my door. I jumped in place. It was time. It was time. It was time! I took a breath and I opened the only thing blocking me from Antonio, the door. Dio Mio.

No matter how many times I see this man, my heart skipped a beat. I had one of those you take my breath away moments. I had a few of those with this man. It wasn't something new. But it felt new every time it happened. Oh fuck, the devil was making this hard for me.

He was there, handsome and carefree. When he heard the door open, he looked at me. Those beautiful green orbs stared into my soul. They made my soul shiver. He looked so good with his shirt a little opened and his light jeans. That hair looked messy and carefree like his personality. I was seriously starting to regret this. Maybe our jobs weren't that important. Lovi, stop thinking that way!

Now that I saw him, I could feel his kisses again. Fuck, he was a siren.

"Lovi!"

Antonio basically made a little hop in place and made one of his huge, heart melting smiles. Did that mean I made his heart skip a beat? NO! Don't think like that, you have a mission. His heart doesn't skip a beat for you, that's just a delusion you tell yourself.

I looked at the man in front of me again. His smile faded and then I saw it. The guilt. It might be me reflecting my emotions on him, but I swear I could see guilt in his beautiful eyes. I honestly don't know what he was thinking or how he was feeling. But it wasn't good.

"Do you want to come in?" I asked.

He sluggishly came in. He didn't take off his shoes. He didn't even sit down. There was something wrong. I just knew it.

"Lovi, I have to go back. I told Emma that I had to pick something up from the studio and that I would be right back. Her parents are still here and…"

"You can't leave your wife."

"¿Qué?" Antonio's eyes grew with confusion. He was looking at me with those eyes. I got nervous again.

"You can't leave her, not for me not for anyone."

"What do you mean I can't leave her?"

Maybe I should have eased myself into this. He was looking a little hurt and angry. "If you leave her, your reputation will be ruined. Antonio, do you understand how important a reputation is to us? Our careers depend on it. We have to create an image to the public and we have to be that person for the rest of our lives or until the public gets bored with us and decide to favour the shiny new star. Antonio, people's careers get ruined when they shatter the public view of them. Our careers depend on the love and admiration of other people."

"People get divorced all the time," he replied.

"You're lucky if your career doesn't get affected if the public finds out you cheated on your partner." Antonio didn't look at me. He looked at the ground. "Don't tell me you feel guilty about that night? Tell me that when you look at her, you don't feel guilty." Antonio didn't reply. He was now looking the opposite direction. "Antonio, you were a grade school teacher at a Catholic school. You're the good man. You've create a wholesome reputation for yourself. You can't shatter it by cheating on your wife with another man."

"I know who I was."

"And people look at that. They create a personality of who they think you are. You are the good husband. On magazines, I see you and all they have to say are good things. They can't find bad things about you. They can't find out we are flawed humans. You are new and you have a growing fan base. You'll come out with your new album and you'll have more fans. You'll go on international tours and support charities. People will love you and support you." Antonio looked hurt. "You came to the same conclusion as I did. You wanted to come here to tell me that we shouldn't see each other."

"But I figured out that was a stupid idea. Lovi, I don't care what other people think about me." He was looking at me again. His eyes were pleading with me. "If my career is ruined, whatever. I had fun with my fifteen minutes of fame. I didn't ask for this life. I didn't want to be an overnight success. But I went along with it because it might be fun. I never realised I would actually meet you. I never realised that I would actually fall in love with you."

"You don't love me. You just think you do."

"How do you know how I feel?" Antonio was starting to raise his voice.

"Because you can't love me back!" I snapped. "This has to be unrequited love."

"Why?"

"Because your career depends on it."

"I told you I don't care about that."

"But I do. I care if I destroy someone else's life."

Fuck, this wasn't supposed to be this emotional. He was supposed to say I agree with you and leave. He wasn't supposed to fight me on this.

"Lovi, please, I might have trouble looking at Emma. I might not be able to look at her parents the same way. But I figure out something… I don't know when but I did. I want you." Great my dreams were coming true. Antonio was admitting that he loved me. He was leaving his wife for me. Why the fuck couldn't I be happy and just let my dreams come true? Why did I have to fight this? Why do I always have to push everything that was great out of my life? Why couldn't I believe that he loved me back? Our reputations.

Antonio hugged me. My head was in his shoulder. I shook my head.

"Your reputation is more important than me," I said pushing him back.

"Lovi," he said rubbing my cheek.

"Antonio."

"Lovino." He said my full name. My heart fluttered at that. He never calls me Lovino. He really had to make this hard.

"Antonio, we can't."

"One kiss."

"Come? ... I mean, like what kind of kiss?"

"One kiss and you can decide if you want to continue or not."

I took a deep breath. One kiss couldn't hurt… right?

"."

I closed my eyes and wrapped my arms around his neck. Why was I doing this again? Oh yeah, he asked me too. I really should stop letting him control my life.

Anyway, using pure instinct, our mouths came closer and closer until they met each other. I could never get use to the feeling of his lips on mine. It was something different, dare I say magical? No, magical wasn't the right word. That was a girly way to describe the feeling. But there was something about them that made me melt. It made my head go light and my heart beat faster than Feliciano on red bull. His hands keeping me close. His tongue asking permission to enter my mouth. The way I lost myself in that moment. It was something I never experience. I'm a man of control. I need to be for my reputation. But something about his kissed made my mind go blank. Nothing mattered in the world. I wasn't Romano Vargas. I was just Lovino Vargas, just plain Lovino Vargas.

The kiss was desperate in a way. There was that sizzling passion that I knew Antonio had. And Antonio kissed the living hell out of me. It was giving me shivers, weak legs and all that jazz. But I could also feel the emotions he was putting into it. The kiss had a feel that I was going to die soon and Antonio was desperately trying to keep me alive. Or I was climbing Mt. Everest and Antonio was convincing me not to go. His thumb rubbed my cheek. His arm kept me in place, it was controlling, but like the rest of the kiss, it was I'm not going to let you leave me. You can't leave me. You belong with me. No one can say differently. But we could say differently. This was just another temptation on Ulysses' adventure back to his old life. I was Calypso trying to keep him on my island and away from his loving wife back home, whom was waiting for him.

Antonio let go of my lips after what seem like hours of thinking about what should I do. I couldn't do this. I just couldn't be Calypso. I had to let him go. Let him go away on that raft.

"Go back to her." It was simple and needed to be said.

"What about another…" Antonio was pulling me closer again.

I pushed him away and said, "No. Go back."

Antonio stood there for a moment. He was hurt. But he tried not to show it. He failed at it. But unlike me, the man stayed strong. He left my apartment slamming the door shut. Fuck, why did this man have this effect on me? Why could he play with my emotions like this? Why could I be happy one second and crying heart wrenching tears the next. No one else had this effect on me. Not my fratelli, not Nonno, not Babbo not Mamma, no one. This man came into my life and brought me on this roller coaster. I needed to end it. It was unhealthy, for our sanity, for his life, I needed to end it.

But, with my obsession with him, that wasn't going to last long. He was going to find himself in my life again soon enough.

Well the good news, Antonio wrote another hit out of this conversation. He even quoted me; "Your reputation is more important than me." Yeah, it's the song Reputation. The one he often says he wrote about a friend of his. Yeah, that was me again.