"Sam? Let go."
He felt a slight tug as her words brought his attention to what was in his hands, it was the keyboard. He had set it down but still had his hand resting on it while she was talking and there were very definite creaks and groans coming from where his fingers had wrapped around the edges.
"Sorry. Let me give Dean the food I made for him and we can set the rest of this up."
"Think I can go with you and say hi? Or..."
"He'd probably appreciate it, c'mon."
She carried the glass of water and cup of coffee while he grabbed the plate of food, silverware and a tray. A few moments later they were in the master bedroom, Dean had shifted into a sitting position and was staring out the sliding glass door.
"Hi," Felicity said and to Sam's relief when Dean turned his head there was a genuine smile on his face, although it didn't quite reach his eyes.
"Hi. You're a lot hotter than my usual nurse," Dean remarked as he pointed at Sam.
"I wouldn't go that far, I think he has better hair."
"Yeah, but you have better curves," Dean said with a slight wink. Felicity snickered and placed the cups she was carrying on the night stand next to Dean while he handed the tray of food to his brother. He's trying, but there's nothing in his eyes. As he took a step back after Dean took the tray from him Dean glanced at Felicity again then up at him, Is that hate? Jealousy? What? It was so brief he wasn't sure he'd even seen anything till more than a hint of revulsion replaced the emptiness in Dean's eyes. It was. Why wasn't he like this before? He was violent but it wasn't directed at me.
"You staying for awhile?" Dean asked.
"I'm setting up a network in the media room for Sam to use. Do you want a computer in here?"
"No, you can't watch porn on it," Sam added, although he wasn't quite sure where that thought came from.
Dean rolled his eyes, "Spoilsport." Then what little forced humor there was on his face left as quickly as it'd come. "Find anything yet?"
Felicity glanced at Sam, obviously not sure if it'd be a wise idea to tell him.
"So yes. Well?"
"Give us a few hours.," he stopped himself. "No, you know what. I'm not playing this like that. Yeah she did."
"It's not verified yet though," Felicity hastened to add.
Dean set his coffee down, "Okay. So?"
"She found some translations from a partial scroll. It's Lucifer Dean, it's what he built into the Mark."
"We know it's Lucifer Sam,"
"No, not like this. The Mark turns brother against brother."
Dean started to shrug but stopped, "You're not talking in the general sense are you?"
"No, Lucifer was jealous that Cain cared so much about Abel that he sacrificed himself, the Mark looks for brothers who are extremely close to each other. Lucifer designed the Mark to twist those bonds around, make them hate each other instead."
The color started to drain from Dean's face at the same time his eyes grew even sharper. Sam could see connections being made as that one piece of information seemed to hit Dean much harder than it hit him.
"Son of a bitch. Let me guess, the stronger the bond, once it breaks the stronger the Mark gets."
"Of course."
"There's more to it than that," Dean stated, "It's not just breaking the bond that makes it stronger." He closed his eyes and shook his head, "It's the harder you fight it. I can't win."
"Dean..look.."
Dean's eyes snapped back open, his internal struggles with hate and love twisting his face into a distorted caricature of itself. "Sam leave! It's over, call Cas."
He had no idea what to say or do until Felicity spoke up, "Sam get out of his line of sight. Let me talk to him."
"It's getting worse, you're not safe," Sam tried to argue with her, if only to take his mind off the quickly shifting sands under his feet.
"It's not me the Mark is trying to get him to kill," she countered while pushing him towards the door. "Just stand out in the hall if you want to make sure I'll be okay."
He stumbled backwards, while Dean turned away from him, again, and started taking deep breaths. "Do what she says Sam."
Once he was out a few steps out of the room, he felt his knees buckle as the weight of what had just happened finally hit. All that effort denying Michael, fighting Lucifer, all of it meant nothing. We're right back to where we were. Sam against Dean. The entire goddamn world is trying to rip us apart. Why?
"All right Dean, he's out of the room." Felicity's voice was rock solid which amazed him. "How about you tell me what you haven't told him?"
"No idea.."
"Not taking that as an answer," she interrupted, steel in her voice. "I've spent years around men who do nothing but try to hide their internal crap so just don't even bother. I get enough of it from Oliver, I don't have to take it from you. Neither does Sam. I heard what you told Oliver about Thea, to stop trying to be the hero."
"I'm not.." Dean said. "That's not what this is about."
"Then what is it about?"
"It's about the fact that when I was a demon I was actually safer to be around then I am now, at least for him. That these last few months it's taken every last bit of strength I have to stop myself from acting on the hate that gets stronger every damn minute. There's days Felicity when I almost can't separate out what it wants me to feel from what I am feeling, telling him all of that would have robbed us of what good times we managed to have. I'm not trying to be a hero, I'm just trying to spend as much time with him as I can before...before I'm gone. I was holding out okay until he shot me, which I don't blame him for, but.."
"He attacked you which gives the Mark more food for the hate," she theorized.
"Yeah, I guess. What just happened between he and I? If I wasn't laid up he'd be on the floor, bleeding."
He was too numb to feel anything at Dean's words. He couldn't be mad that Dean had been keeping things from him because he was right; knowing all of that would have just made him even more obsessed to find a cure, more frustrated and even more paranoid. It's not like I didn't know he was getting worse, I just didn't know it was focusing on me, or maybe I did and didn't want to admit it.
"I need an honest answer from you Dean," Felicity said. "No holding back, nothing."
"Why the hell not, it doesn't really matter now anyway. Shoot."
"Why did you agree to take the Mark without even bothering to look it up?"
"I'd failed everyone and I didn't care anymore. Crowley came to me with what I pretty much hoped would be a suicide mission, then when I survived that I went up against the angel that destroyed Heaven. I technically didn't survive that, yeah I'm still walking and breathing but that doesn't mean I survived."
Well that explains a lot, he thinks he's already gone, already dead. All those hours we spent researching for a cure, for answers and deep down he could have cared less.
"So you think it's won already? The Mark."
"Yeah. The more I try to not hate him, the more I do. Every time I draw on some good memory or something it twists it against me. It's just a matter of time."
"So when I find this ritual.." she started,
"You mean if," Dean interrupted.
"When," her retort left no room for doubt, "I may as well just print it out and keep it as a memento of how I hacked into the Vatican, since you think this is all a lost cause."
He didn't reply.
"Uh huh. Dean I can't begin to comprehend what you've been fighting against, I have absolutely no frame of reference and hope I never will. What I do have a frame of reference for is the reason you need to find some way to fight, to hold on for a few more days."
"Oh? What's that?"
"Sam, you owe it to him."
"What do you think.." Dean snarled in frustration.
"Let me finish," Felicity snapped, "It's not why you think. You need to fight not to protect or save him. You need to fight because you owe it to him after putting him in the exact same position that he was in when we found him face down in drunken stupor and suicidal in a sleazy motel!"
He risked a look into the room and saw she was standing, shoulders tight with the raw emotion that had filled her words.
"You did the same thing back then when you made your deal. Acted without any thought of the consequences. He barely made it back from that and there you are, laying in a bed telling him it's over, that you've given up. How dare you! If you weren't already injured I'd slap you. I will find this ritual Dean and he will try to perform it, you know that." She took a few steps closer to the bed and somehow gave the impression of looming over Dean, "Now are you going to show up and help him get you out of this mess you created or are you going to roll over and play dead for Lucifer?"
Some of Dean's old rebellious nature hardened his jaw but he didn't offer any answers.
"Think about it," she ordered before turning and storming out of the room past where he sat in the hallway. "What the hell is it with you men?" She muttered as she passed, "Hardheaded, illogical, death seeking cowards. It's so much easier to jump into the fire and leave everyone else to suffer isn't it?"
He watched her until she was out of sight, stood up and looked back at Dean. Their eyes met but they didn't speak. Dean gave him nothing, no indication that Felicity's words had any impact. Well if that didn't piss him off, I don't know what will. As he turned to go down the hall and finish helping Felicity set up the computers Dean's voice came from behind.
"Sam, I'm sorry."
He didn't turn back around, "Are you?" What does he expect me to say to that? I forgive you? Moments later he was carrying another load of tech gear into the house where he and Felicity set up the system with minimal words and a maximum amount of repressed frustration.
