AN: Okay, so this story has developed into something much longer than I originally intended, so some actual character interaction and plot had to be put in the mix. It's not my strong suit, but I'm doing my best :). Also, Regina is a super bi-polar in this chapter, but I think she is pretty much always, that's kind of why I love writing her. Also, to address some questions I've gotten in my reviews; There will be slight Swan Queen in this story, here and there because it's fun and it makes me do an evil laugh. But this is a Snow Queen fic, with Snow Queen end game. Enjoy, and let me know what you think!
The Blameless Girl
Henry is finishing up the last of his math homework, our table in the back of the diner blocks out most of the customer chatter, and dishes banging. I take another sip of my coffee, while I watch him fondly as his eyebrows knit in concentration over his paper. He's such a bright boy, only needing my help with a few problems, his inherit stubbornness forcing him to work it out for himself.
"Doesn't Miss Swan help you with your homework?" I ask innocently, hoping he doesn't see it as prying while Henry finally closes up his books.
"Most people call her Emma, you know." He smirks up at me and it literally melts my heart.
"I'm not most people."
The abandoned French fries on his plate are cold by now, but he shoves one in his mouth anyway, and I resist the urge to make a face.
"She tries, but math isn't her strong suit." His shoulders shrug, as he looks over at the neon wall clock across from us. My hands twist in my lap, knowing that our time is getting close to ending, and it's always worse when he's gone. When I have him with me, it gives me purpose—a role—one that's not that of destruction and pain. I'm his mother, and even though he's spent so long only seeing me as the 'evil queen', there's still love in him. There's still that hope that I can be more. I thrive so greatly on it, but once he leaves, so does everything that he represents.
"Have you been taking your vitamins?" I ask abruptly, making sure he's taking care of himself in the few minutes we have left. His eyes roll in my direction.
"Yes."
"Brushing your teeth?"
"Mom, I'm not five." He whines, making me smile. Then the chime of the diner door is heard behind me, and with the way Henry looks up, I know it's Emma who comes in before I even turn around. We both start to gather our things as she approaches us.
"Hey kid, you ready?"
With a quick yes, he's out of his seat, swinging his backpack over his shoulder. I stand up and give him a brief and awkward hug, never one to be overly affectionate, especially in public.
"Wait out in the car for me. I'll just be a minute." She says, glancing at me, and my stomach knots at her words, while Henry takes a moment to look suspiciously between us before making his leave, tossing out a quick 'I love you' over his shoulder. I only smile at his retreating form in response, nerves already getting the best of me. Miss Swan and I haven't spoken since she made her impromptu visit a few days ago to my house, and I had hoped that what was said was all that needed to be said.
Once we're alone, she turns toward me.
"Mary says she's been trying to get a hold of you." Her words are casual but cautious. I'm confused of what she's trying to imply.
"I am fully aware of that, Miss Swan. What is your point?" I have about a hundred missed calls from Snow, all of which I never answered. Not surprisingly, she never did come over that night, no doubt because of Emma's interference. There is no way that I will admit to the blonde that I accepted her ultimatum. But regardless of what I was willing to admit, I knew that my options were limited. Continuing what I was doing with Snow would mean losing Henry. There was no way around that. And it's felt like dying for the last few days, but I know that she would do the same to me in an instant. She would choose the strength of her family over the weakness that I bring.
"There's a meeting tonight at our apartment. It's about the Enchanted Forest and fairy dust, or something." Emma states, awkwardly, hands shoved deep in her pockets. My eyes narrow at her abrupt statement. "They've been vague about it, much to the pissing off of me. All the big shots, or whatever are going to be there."
"The royal court." I correct her, seeing the annoyance at her lack of knowledge clearly on her face. This new world she's been shoved into as a savior.
"Yeah, okay." Her eyes roll slightly. "You should come."
A sigh escapes me, as I grab my purse.
"No thank you, I would rather spend the evening bashing my head against a wall." I give her a bright smile before making a move to walk away.
"It's about Storybrooke." The words are rushed, seeing that she was losing her audience, and it causes me to pause. "You were Mayor. You should come, and I'm not the only one who thinks so." She breaks eye contact with me at that.
"I thought you wanted me to stop seeing her." My voice lowers considerably, still keeping in mind that we're in public.
"You know what I wanted you to stop doing." There's warning in her tone, as she clarifies. I scoff a little under my breath and turn to walk out, not bothering to look back when she tells me what time the meeting is.
This is a bad idea, because in a thousand years, I would never think I would be welcomed at Snow White's court. Welcomed might be an exaggeration. Tolerated would be more appropriate. The glares and feared looks are palpable in this small apartment, and I keep my focus on them, because I feel Snow's eyes on me as well, with a look much more piercing. Emma stays close to me, worry etched on her face, and although she swore when I got here that this had nothing to do with me, I can't imagine it being about anything else. I don't like surprises, and I don't like the lack of control I'm feeling right now, and just as I'm about to do anything to stop this awkward silence we've all settled in, Charming clears his throat.
"Some of you may know why we've called you here, some may not." I roll my eyes at his dramatics, loathing the prideful glint in his eye for having such attention on him. His sheep gathered to their Shepard. "Snow and I have been in talks with the blue fairy for a few weeks now, discussing the future for all of us. Some of you want to stay here, and live your life as you have been, and I know some want to return home, back to the enchanted forest." He looks over at his wife, with a slight nod of his head, as if giving her permission to speak, and that's the only time she finally breaks her gaze on me.
"None of us know what's left of our land, if anything. But with the magic the dwarves have collected from the mines, we have enough to send a few back home, much like a scouting mission."
My eyebrows knit together as a sick feeling starts to sink into my stomach. I do not like where this is going. There's murmurs among the elite few that are here, but some are silent. Some already know where she's going with this insanity.
"David and I will be going, along with the dwarves and Nova."
The murmurs get louder, and I bite the inside of my cheeks to keep from laughing out my frustrated rage. She's running away. No. She can't be. This can't be her thoughts alone. This has to be his doing. Or maybe Emma, trying to separate her from my influence.
"But who will protect Storybrooke in your absence?" Gipedo chimes in, to which David moronically replies.
"I have full confidence in Emma's leadership, along with the blue fairy. They have agreed to keep order." There's angry buzzing in my ears that starts to drown out the echoing noises of this small space. "People, please—" This is what Snow wanted to talk to me about, I realize. She was going to tell me.
{ she was going to lie to you. }
Not now.
{ she wants you angry. That's how she controls you }
"This isn't forever. We have to take the chance though, or else we'll never know. We could still have a kingdom waiting for us." There is no royal 'we' in his words. Just him and his group of misfits ruling a land which is rightfully mine. And if Snow wants her land back, she should be begging me for it, not him. Dammit, this isn't the way it's supposed to happen.
{ rip out his throat, and steal her heart. }
No. No, she doesn't get to win. She doesn't get to leave.
"Regina." I hear my name whispered, and look up to see Emma standing too close to me, concern lining her features. I take a step back. "I just found out a few hours ago. I don't like it either, and I tried talking them out of it, but they've made up their mind."
"Oh, they did, did they?" I snap back in the same hushed voice. Then I step forward towards the happy couple, and feel Emma tense up next me. "What about Henry? Is he staying here?"
There's dead silence at my question, all eyes on me now, but mine are only on hers. "Yes. Of course." She responds, without hesitation or fear, unlike everyone else in this room.
Fine. I have Henry. I can be better for him. Nothing in this world is more important than my son. Not her, not revenge. My victory is in him alone. Like a mantra I say it over and over in my head. That's all I wanted anyway, wasn't it? I wanted victory.
So without another word, I turn on my heels and walk out, because all that needs to be said is said. I ignore her calling my name as I slam the door shut behind me, hearing the wood rattle in its frame from the force.
There's a tension that's building, coiling tighter and tighter within me the more steps I take. It's a familiar tension that comes as anger rises, one that makes magic crackle at my fingertips whispering it's need for destruction—for the world's end—just as it always does. The darkness it brings. I clench my fists as I quicken my steps, walking out of the apartment building and into the street, the loud sound of my heels on concrete resonate like pounding in my ears.
If I can make it home, it will be better. I can drink my stock of assorted alcohols and break anything I want, cursing her name in the process. And with the inevitable headache I'll have in the morning, I'll blame that on her as well, and it will help convince me that I'm better without her.
"Regina." She calls after me, the pounding of her shoes are much faster and getting louder as Snow chases after me. Just like she always does. I grind my teeth and do my best to ignore her, but her stubborn insistence reaches me, pulling me to a halt by her hand on my arm. I turn quickly, jerking out of her gasp.
"We need to talk." There's no question or request with her words, and it's so infuriating. But I won't do it. I won't give her what she wants.
I won't give her a single damned reason to claim innocent in this. She grows calmer as I get angrier, making her look so good next to me. I won't give her that satisfaction.
God I hate her.
"I have nothing to say to you." I snap back.
There's desperation and guilt on her face, but as of late, that's all that mares her features.
"I only want to talk."
"That's all you ever want to do, Mary," It sounds so foreign as the name comes out of my mouth, a title I haven't used since we started all of this again. And I swear I see her flinch just slightly. "But it's never what ends up happening." I straighten my back to her, starting to feel proud of myself for keeping my temper at bay. "Have a good night. Try not to get murdered horribly in your homeland." At that I turn from her, intent to walk home unscathed, but Snow doesn't like losing, so just as quickly I feel the strong tug of her on my shoulders. It takes a full moment to realize that she's pulling me into the alleyway that I was walking past when she stopped me. I try to twist around, or halt my movements against her strength, but before I know it, the light from the street fades, and darkness comes closer in the secluded corner she pushes me into.
When I finally get my footing, I'm turning around with fists swinging, my aim made sloppy by my anger, so she blocks them easily.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" I practically scream, finally giving up the idea of striking her, and just use my weight to push her against the stone wall behind her. Her hands grab my shoulders, locking our arms together.
"I was going to tell you, but you stopped answering my calls." She's so calm, as if she didn't just assault me a second ago, as if we were just talking about this like two normal human being. I know her better than that though, so I push into her a little more with my body, feeling her arms give, and just like that; my breath is on her cheek, her chest is straining against mine, and I literally see her pupils dilate. For just a moment it's all I see. Just that need that she has—that she creates—all for me. I could. I could take her right here, and she would let me.
Then the moment's over, and I remember what we are and our roles, because she's still leaving with him, and I'm still staying here with my son. And it should be the greatest compromise. We both got what we wanted. It's only curious because I know that neither one of us feels that way. My feet stumble away from her, untangling her from my grasp.
"I don't care what you and that idiot you married are doing." I keep the shaking out of my voice, but I feel it rising, running my hands through my hair out of frustration. She scoffs a bit at me.
"Since when?" Mary asks with disbelief, and I arch an eye brow at her in response.
"I'm keeping my focus on Henry." I cross my arms, but make no attempt to leave, and that is not a good idea. When Snow and I talk, it never ends well.
"So this is for Henry? Good, for a second I thought this was a childish tantrum because I stood you up the other day—"
"Don't you dare insult my intelligence with your immature insults." My anger's rising more and more, because this is not a good idea, but I'm not exactly known for my good ideas. "You know very well that Emma came to my house that night in your place."
There's a pause at that, forming into a silence. She didn't know that, but I had just assumed that Emma would have said something—
"What are you talking about? She said she had an emergency at work."
I roll my eyes at that. "Surprisingly enough, she's capable of lies, just like her mother." There's another pause at that, my accusing tone dropping. "She knows about us." Something like that, said aloud is like a force hitting her hard in the chest, I see it on her face, and I know the feeling.
"What?" Her eyes narrowed as a bit of anger crept into her voice. "How?"
"She figured it out." I snapped, not liking the accusation in her tone. "Apparently the idiot gene was the only one not passed onto her." Snow breaks eye contact, her sight scanning the ground, a million different things running through her brain and showing clearly on her face. "We didn't go into details, dear, she just told me to stop." Then she looks back up at me again.
"Stop what?" My eyes roll at such a stupid question.
"Stop…" Words escape me, when I realize that it wasn't a stupid question. Because I have no idea how to finish that sentence, no simple explanation for what we are to each other exists. "Whatever the hell this is." I finish flippantly, the weight of our relationship being pushed to the back of my mind. "I need Henry, I don't need you."
That truth is wrapped in a lie, one that we both see through. This really has gone too far for me to deny such things, but she doesn't push the subject.
"You should've told me." She states instead, and there are a lot of things I should tell her, but this was not one of them.
"She should've told you. I don't owe you anything." At that, I turn and take a few steps away from her, stopping only when she calls after me.
"You're actually listening to her? You're letting me go?"
A sigh breaks out of my lungs, because she's so infuriating, and my head is starting to pound.
"What does it matter?" I almost whisper, then turn to face her again. "This is what you wanted, isn't it? You've tried to end this every time it starts, and now that I'm letting you, what? I hurt your feelings?" My mocking tone brings her anger like always, because how dare I make light of her pain. How dare I get pleasure from it. A smirk lines my lips, because how dare I, indeed. "Will you be mending a broken heart when you go back to your land?"
"I never gave my heart to you." She hisses at me, and all my semblance of control is ripped away from me like a knife in my gut, the audacity of her words brings painful memories that only she can elicit. I close the space between us, my hand around her neck, nails digging into her skin.
"I'm painfully aware." I hiss at her unflinching face, stoned and stubborn. Just another promise Snow White couldn't keep. "You always try to take the easy way out, you become a bandit instead of facing what you've done. You let me poison you just to get away from me, to stop all this pain—" I swallow hard, feeling my face flush in anger even more. "You think running away with your prince is the easy way out?"
Snow's hand raises to the one I have around her neck, not to pull me away, but she just gently starts running her fingers over my whitened knuckles.
"Regina." She whispers, no strain in her voice because my grip is loosening to her touch.
"It'll be worse." I try to keep the bite in my voice, but it's fading fast, my palm slipping off her neck and resting on her breast bone, her hand covering mine. "You'll ache for this—for me, and it will consume you." Neither one of us breaks the eye contact, because it's more painful that way. And Snow and I? We live for the pain. "It always does."
Fingers push themselves between my knuckles, latching our hands together, and it finally does cause my gaze to stray down to her chest.
"Come with me." She declares it with such passion as she holds on tighter to my hand, only moments after claiming that she gave nothing away for me, and the hope in her voice borders on insanity to my ears. I stumble back, and pull away from her, our fingers tracing slowly before our grasp is broken. "If you come with me…I could—we could work together, all of us, to restore things." She sounds so sure—makes it sound so simple. "You don't have to fight against us anymore."
It's terrifying when I hesitate. A very particular and familiar hesitation that comes when I actually consider just giving up and going with her.
And God, what a ridiculous notion. Had she learned nothing from this? The only thing I can do is hurt her. It is the only way we exist in this world, or any other, these are our roles. Even if I tried—really tried—for the sake of myself, for the love of Henry, for the salvation of the people, we would only fall back into the place where we belong. I know nothing but scared domination, and she knows only stubborn submission.
She wouldn't make me better, because it will always be easier to make her worse.
I realize that it wasn't when Emma came to my house that I made my choice to leave her. It's now that I do.
After a long pause, I steel my face and look at her with an intimidating sneer.
"What do you propose? You bringing me onto the side of nauseating righteousness with my tail tucked between my legs? And we could all live together as a happy family?" The hope leaves her face, because she knows me far better than she ever should, and the tone I have is one of walls slamming shut, the sound of stone crashing. "Perhaps Charming and I could take turns when it comes to whose bed you stay in. But in the end, you would be the hero, finally defeating the Evil Queen, and no one would question you, no one would see you for who you truly are—" I'm cut off by her pulling me into her, her mouth crashing into mine, and maybe I was right all along, maybe this is all her fault, and she's the one who's insane, and I've just been pulled along by her strings—just a pawn. The blameless girl who controls me. It must be, because I'm kissing her back, careless of the dizziness that it creates. The blurring in my mind that she always causes. Just to soothe the demons of violence that rips its way between us. Just to keep me grounded.
Damn it. Damn her.
I break away from her roughly, taking a moment for anger to settle on my features.
"What the hell was that?"
"A good bye kiss." She replies, with finality. I sigh and close my eyes at that, just so utterly exhausted by all of this.
When I open heavy eye lids to look at her face, I see a terribly sad smile starting to line her lips.
"What's going on here?" There's a booming voice that's all too familiar behind me, and as if on instinct, I push her away instantly, turning to face Snow's prince standing at the alleyway entrance. He's angry and confused—conflicted on how to react—but mostly angry.
"David," Snow moves out from behind me, and walks towards him. I resist the urge to pull her back to me. "We're just talking." Her voice shakes a bit from the lie.
"It didn't look like talking." He's still careful with his words, making it unclear how long he's been standing there.
I tilt my head in mock curiosity.
"What did it look like?" I ask with a condescending sneer, as he looks over at her—then me—and my, my, I certainly hope he isn't trying to connect any dots now. I would hate to see the pain it would cause when Charming tries to actually use that piece of fat between his ears. Perhaps if I just killed him now, there won't be time enough for him to rally the town against me. I could kill him, claim self-defense, take Mary with me and feed her all the lies and comfort she needs to make her think it was for the best. I could. That could work—
"Regina, don't." Mary says strong and stubborn, with eyes that stay on her one true love. It reminds me of our roles in this game, and how very insignificant of a pawn I actually am. His death would mean my own, almost instantly, if not by her hand, then by someone else's. And he isn't worth dying for.
"It's already too much that we're keeping you alive, so let us be, and stay away from my wife." My eyes narrow at his tone, as if this was my fault. This was never my fault. Perhaps I will kill him tonight, out of principle alone.
"But who will keep her away from me?" My indication at the words causes his anger to flair almost instantly.
His body moves closer to me, almost a lunge. I open the palm of my hand, holding it at my waist as the only weapon I have, feeling the magic crackle at my fingertips, a faint purple glow lighting the dark space surrounding us.
"You sick—"
"Take another step towards me, I'm begging you." And he does try, with all his idiotic bravery, the only thing stopping him is Mary quickly stepping between us, with a firm hand on his chest.
"Stop it, both of you." Snow still thinks that this can be salvaged, that there is still some denial left inside him—so she can come out of this unscathed. I know better, because I see it in his eyes. Like he just woke up from a coma all over again.
"What have you done to her?" There's almost choking on his words at how furious he is right now.
"I did what she wanted, what you couldn't." I spare a quick glance at his princess just to see the look of betrayal cross her face. She would do the same to me though, in an instant. Blame me and feed me to the wolves. Watch as they tear me apart. My sight looks away, and with a slight wave of my hand, she is pulled away from us by the force of my magic, feet dragging on the concrete and gravel before she's pushed against the far wall of the alleyway. He's lunging at me again, but then he's still. My hand is held up, palm out in the space between us and he stiffens against the binds of my power.
"I'll kill you." David spits the words out through a clenched jaw as he struggles to free his arms that are pinned to his sides.
"No you won't. Because she'd never forgive you if you did." There's defeat in his eyes at that, the knowledge that I'm right. He has tried, more than once to end me, but every time Snow is there with a firm hand on his chest. "But if I killed you? I doubt even that would make her want me less." I lean closer to his face as he struggles against the magic endlessly. My eyes scan those chiseled features, that strong jaw line, down to the scar on his chin. "Because she's mine, Charming. Every inch of her."
Never steal from the Queen. That much was known through countless examples that I made from fools and thieves. And every single soul in our land knew that Snow White was mine alone.
I move towards him with my hand ready to strike deep into his chest, but before I can close the space between me and the Shepard, Snow has pushed her away between us again, out of breath and very angry. She's facing me and standing tall as a shield for him. My body halts, the movement stops just as my fingers place themselves against her heart, almost breaking the skin as magic crackles off of my hand. I can feel her pulse, as I look down in fear at how close I am to doing what I've always sworn to do.
"I belong to no one." Her eyes are as hard as her voice when I look up at her face. She waits, seeing if I'll actually do it this time, as if I ever could. It breaks me, the realization that for the first time, I actually don't want to kill her. My hand starts shaking as I lower it slowly, the purple haze around us flickering out. Once Charming is freed, he doesn't even bother making another attack on me. His back straightened, he glares at me smugly.
Because Snow has made her choice.
"We're done." She states to add further humiliation to this night—further anger and pain—and all I can do is smile through the feeling of burning in my throat. I turn around, away from the lighted silhouette of the happy couple, and walk deeper into the darkness of the alleyway at a brisk pace. The smile never leaves my face, but there's no humor in it. There's water swelling in my eyes, and damned if I let them fall.
I did just what she wanted. I gave her every reason to claim innocent in this. My anger grows as she gets calmer, some destructive balance between us, and none of it hardly matters anymore.
We both made our choice.
