Author's Note: This is another chapter for my PIC-BUDDY (p i c = partner in crime) S. Benson! Did you check out her story called 'iSeddie' yet? What? You haven't? You totally should. It's so awesome!

Seddie-shippers should also check out 'iWant Him, Not You' (by Kressxblack) and if you're like me and want some Alternative-Universe Seddie, than check out 'Just Have Faith' by Billie (justshine09).

NOW STOP BEING LAZY AND REVIEW!

(Oh and an FYI... the next chapter I will begin alternating POVs and you all will be blown away by what happens! But that chapter WILL NOT be updated until you guys start reviewing!)

- Em


iHurt Every Time iRemember


I was at Waterfront Park sitting on one of the benches. Behind me I could hear slightly hear the laughter of the young children who were playing on the swings and monkey bars. The playground wasn't too far from here and in front of me was a beautiful body of water. Coming here calmed me down a lot. I wasn't sure what it was about this place but it always made me feel so great. Maybe it's because after our first official date, Freddie and I came here and fed the ducks. I remembered our first date and I smiled. I looked around and there were no ducks today. It was a rare occasion when you would find ducks here, but to my amazement, every time Freddie and I came here together, the ducks were always here.

It was a nice brisk Monday afternoon. It had been four whole days since I found out I was pregnant… I found out last Thursday and I tried to tell Freddie numerous times since I found out but I just couldn't. I tried to tell him the day I came home from the doctor's but the words didn't come out. I've been trying to tell him every day since than but something inside me kept me from telling him. But I decided I would give it one last try and just last night on the fire escape after Carly's hobo party I tried to tell him… I almost did… but I didn't.

I slightly adjusted myself so I could pull out an envelope from my pocket. I took out the envelope and pulled out the two tickets that were inside.

The Amtrak train ticket read:

Train Number: 8 Empire Builder

Departs: 9:00 PM

Mon, Aug 6 2012

Seattle, WA (SEA)

Arrives: 12:40 AM

Tue, Aug 7 2012

Portland, OR (PDX)

Duration: 3 hr, 40 min

I put the ticket back in the envelope and looked at the next ticket: the plane ticket that would take me from Oregon to New York. I didn't know why I chose New York but when the travel agency lady asked me where I wanted to go from Oregon, New York just popped into my head. Maybe it's because it was on the other side of the country where no one could ever find me or maybe it was because I always heard stories of people going to New York and making it big. I didn't want an acting career or a singing career but I was sure I wanted to make something of myself, for my baby. I put my free hand over my flat stomach, which I had a feeling wasn't going to be flat for much longer and I read the ticket.

JetBlue Airways

Flight Number 791471

Portland, OR to New York City, NY

Departing PDX: 10:30 AM

Arrival JFK: 6:45 PM

Duration of Flight: 5 hr, 15 min

Time Zone Change -03 hr

I looked at the ticket and was confused as to how 10:30AM to 6:45PM was only five hours and fifteen minutes until I saw the additional message in the bottom of the time zone change. I guess New York was three hours ahead in time. I put the ticket back into the envelope and stared at the envelope. I knew I couldn't take a flight directly from Seattle to New York. You always had to wait so long to get on the plane and I was scared someone would find me and try to stop me. No actually, I wasn't scared that someone would try to stop me as much as I was scared that they would ask questions. I didn't want anyone to ask questions. So I decided the best and cheapest way to go about it was to take a train from here to Portland, spend the night at one of the cheap motels by the airport and take an early flight to New York from there.

I had everything figured out in my head. The nice lady at the travel agency, Jenna, was a help too. She not only helped me find the cheapest train and flight that fit my schedule, well not fit my schedule but just one that helped me not get caught… not that she knew that… and she helped me find the cheap motel in Portland by the airport where I could spend the night and she even went as far as helping me find a cheap motel to stay in while I was in New York… well it wasn't technically a motel but it was something. The place she found me was this little hostel in Times Square where they only charged you $15 a day to stay there but you literally only got a bunk bed and the bathroom was shared by half of the floor. It was just a little place for tourists to stay so they had a cheap place to sleep while they visited the city. I was lucky Jenna found me that place. She had it booked for the maximum amount of days they allowed you to stay which were fifteen. After that I would have to figure my shit out for myself. I was hoping by than I would find a job or something so I could stay somewhere else.

I did have some money though. Recently I had started to work; Freddie got me a job in the mailroom in this office where he was interning. I worked there for about eight months now and so I was able to save up for a "rainy day" as Freddie puts it. I also sold a lot of my stuff over the weekend. I mean I wasn't going to take any of that with me and I could use the money. Selling the iCarly memorabilia made me a pretty penny.

I shoved the envelope back in my pocket and walked back to Bushwell Plaza. It was about 1PM and I had a few hours left to spend with Carly, Spencer, Gibby and Freddie. We spent the day just hanging out like usual until I pulled Freddie back into his apartment.

"What? Sam, us leaving like that was just rude!" Freddie said.

"I know, I know. But I just want to spend some time with my handsome boyfriend." I said before kissing him. All I could think of what that this would be our last time together and soon I would be on my way to leave Seattle… for an indefinite amount of time.

I pushed him on to the door and started kissing his neck and nibbling on his earlobe. He began to groan which turned me on all the more. Suddenly he became very aware of where were. "She's at work until 7PM. Remember?" I whispered in his ear before kissing him again. Freddie put his hands on my hips and pulled me closer to him while our tongues battled for dominance. Than he grabbed me and turned around so my back was pushed up against the wall and he ran his soft hands all over my body. He pushed some of my curls off of my shoulder and began nibbling on my neck while his hands explored my body.

I hadn't made love to Freddie in a while and now… this was going to be our last time.

I took his hand and leaded him to his bedroom. His eyes grew wide as he saw the décor. "Wow… it looks just like the night of our first time." Freddie said. I nodded with a smile on my face. "When did you do all this?"

I looked around satisfied and answered, "While you guys were eating. I thought you know… let me just make it special." In my head I was thinking, 'It's going to be the last time I feel your touch on my skin. I want to always cherish this last time.'

"It's beautiful…" he grinned, "much better than how I had decorated it."

I rolled my eyes. "Oh whatever." And I pulled his shirt over his head and pushed him onto the bed. He put his arms around my neck and kissed me passionately as I got on top of him. His kiss became more lustful, more intense, and more passionate and I moaned into his mouth. My moan must have been like a trigger for him because immediately he rolled me over so I was on the bed and began unbuttoning my shirt.

The rest of the afternoon was spent in Freddie's arms as we made passionate love. After we were done, he went to shower and I got redressed. Once I walked out those doors, I didn't plan on coming back… ever.

I opened my eyes and I realized I was standing in front of Bushwell Plaza. The memory of my last time was Freddie never ceased to stop hurting me. Maybe it was because of the way I left? Maybe it was because I knew I would never feel that tender love and affection from him? Maybe it was simply because Freddie was everything I could ever want but he was no longer mine.

I had been walking around the block for half an hour and it was now time to go inside. I took the elevator up to Melanie's apartment and quietly crawled back into bed with Lucy. I was hoping to finally get some sleep.

"GOOOOOOOOOOD MORNINGGGG!" I heard Lucy scream into my ear. I turn to the alarm clock which reads 11:45.

"Good morning Luce." I say as I take her into a hug. "What time did you wake up baby doll?"

"Like 8ish." Melanie says as she walks in the door with a tray of food. "We didn't want to wake you because you looked so tired."

I looked at the tray of food and jumped out of bed to brush my teeth. I always felt so unhygienic if I would eat before brushing my teeth. I rushed back a few minutes later and started digging into the food that Melanie had brought me. I glance over to see Melanie and Lucy staring. "You guys ate, right?"

Melanie and Lucy started bursting out laughing. "You owe me $10 auntie Mel."

I looked at them confused. "Wait? What?"

"Lucy and I made a bet to see if you would ask your daughter if she already ate or would you dig into the food without any concern of whether your daughter ate or not… which she and I both did in case you were wondering. And I said of course you would make sure Lucy ate before you dug into the food but Lucy disagreed… and won." Melanie said, giggling. "I wonder if you ever feed her back in New York or does she have to get her own food."

I glared at Melanie and Lucy. "I feed you in New York. I was just hungry. And I assumed you would be a good enough aunt to make sure she ate since you both have been up for so long."

"Okay, okay." Melanie said.

"Sooo… what are our plans for today?" Lucy asked.

"Well, hopefully we're going home." I said.

Lucy's face dropped. "Noo! Please tell me you're kidding mommy."

"Nope. Sorry sweetie. I'm going to call your aunt Monica soon and have her arrange our flight back." Lucy looked at me with her puppy eyes but those weren't about to work and when she realized that her trick was failing, she stomped away angrily.

"That is definitely your kid. You can just tell by the anger." Melanie laughed.

"Oh whatever." I finished eating and Melanie took away the tray. I picked up my cell phone and called Monica. On the second ring she picked up her phone.

"Good to know that you finally remembered me."

"Well hello to you too, Mon." I said.

"Seriously Sam, you should have called me once your flight landed. To let me know you and Luce got there safe at least."

"I'm sorry. It's just so much has been going on."

"Is Melanie okay? It's not bad is it?" Monica asked. I told her the whole story. Everything that's happened from the moment we landed up until I called her. "So he wanted you to come back?"

"Yeah."

"Well it's obvious he wants to get back together."

"Mon… did you miss the part where he's engaged to Carly?"

"Compromises. Even stated by her own brother."

"Oh don't tell me you're agreeing with them." Is everyone against me? Doesn't anyone see that Carly needs Freddie?

"Jeeze Sam… you're so damn blind. He still loves you and wants you back. That's why he lured you back to Seattle."

"He doesn't love me." I said angrily. "He can't love me." I whispered.

"He does and he can. Sam, you have to forgive yourself for what happened that day. It wasn't your fault. You couldn't control it. What happened, happened. Forgive yourself for it."

"Just… please Mon… just get me back home. And don't you dare say I'm already home. Everyone has been saying that since yesterday. Just get me and Lucy tickets back to New York. Please?"

"You know I can't say no to you. I will see what I can do and call you back."

"Okay. Love ya."

"Love ya too. Bye Sam. And give Luce a big hug and kiss from her aunt Mon."

After I hung up the phone I went down to check on Lucy who was sitting on the couch watching Girly Cow. Boy did I love that show growing up. I went over to sit next to Lucy and she just turned off the TV and walked into the kitchen where Melanie was.

"Come on Luce. You're not going to give me the silent treatment are you?" I said walking to her. She turned her face away from me. "Oh come on Lucy." Still nothing. "Your aunt Mon sends her love and told me to give you a hug and kiss from her."

Lucy opened her mouth to speak, "Auntie Mel, can you please tell Mom to tell auntie Mon that I have received her hug and kiss and I send my love back?" With that she walked upstairs back to Melanie's room. Melanie started cracking up.

"That's one tough kid you got there."

"Tell me about it. Well I'm going to take a shower. Hopefully Monica calls back soon with our flight information."

I went to take a shower in Melanie's bathroom which looked almost identical to Freddie's except everything was on the opposite side and Freddie had his-and-hers sink and a bigger standing shower. As I took a shower, I began to remember all the times Freddie and I would shower together. He called it "dirty fun while getting clean." That boy was such a nub but he was always so great to me and he always put me before him no matter what the case was. 'Okay, stop it.' I thought. 'Stop thinking about him.'

I turned on the cold water and stood in the shower letting the water wash away all my stress and tension. I knew soon I would be back across the country and I wouldn't have to worry about anything other than Lucy, school and work. No more excessive drama.

After about an hour long shower I get dressed and go back out and find Melanie on the bed with my phone in her hands. She looks up and says, "Monica called."

"Oh great. Okay, let me just comb my hair before it becomes a tangly mess and I will call her back." Mel doesn't answer. I'd think that right now she'd be probably begging me to stay or something along those lines but not a word. "Mel? You okay?"

Melanie looks like she's in a daze. "She said for you to call her back."

"Yeah… I just said that I would after combing my hair. Is everything okay?" Again nothing. "Melanie? Melanie Puckett? You in there?" I said walking over to her and knocking softly on her head.

Melanie looks up at me and whispers, "Why can't Freddie love you again?" Shocked by her question, I begin to take a few steps back but she grabs my hand and asks again, "Why can he not love you anymore? Tell me, Sam?"

"He just can't." I manage to get out, holding back my tears.

"WHY CAN'T HE? And don't give me that fucking bullshit that it's because he's engaged to Carly. That's not the reason you don't think he can love you. You and I both know that, so tell me Samatha… why can Freddie not love you!" Mel says through her teeth, trying her hardest not to scream and scare Lucy who was downstairs watching TV.

"He can't, okay Mel? He just can't!"

"SO YOU'RE JUST GOING TO SAY 'HE JUST CAN'T' AND NOT TELL ANY OF US ABOUT GRACIE?" Melanie said in the angriest tone I have ever heard her speak.

I closed my eyes and my head flashed back to that day.

I walked out of my office and saw Rob, one of my colleagues at the paper, coming out of his office. "Happy Monday, Sam." He said with a huge smile. "Hello there little baby." Rob says rubbing my belly. You would think having everyone constantly rub or pat my belly would annoy the shit out of me but it didn't. I actually liked it because it made me feel… I guess it made me feel like I wasn't the only one who loves and cares for this baby.

As Rob is rubbing my belly, trying to see if the baby would kick, my boss Mr. Saunders comes out of the elevator. "Hello Sam. Rob."

"Good morning Alex." Robert and I say in unison. Mr. Saunders… well Alex, as he preferred we all call him, hated formalities. Alex had been one of the heads of the newspaper for over twenty years now and always made sure that everyone that worked in the paper was happy and treated well. He would always say that this paper was his other family and he not only treated us all like family, but we had become a family, not only to him but to each other. From the moment I started working her six months ago, he treated me like his own. He even calls me the granddaughter he never had.

"How's the baby doing?" Alex asked.

"Good."

"Didn't you just have an appointment last Friday?"

"Oh yeah, I forgot to call you and ask you how it went." Rob said. Everyone at the paper was amazing. I originally started working at the paper as a secretary but after the advice columnist for whom I worked left, they promoted me to advise columnist after they saw my work and I've been writing for the paper for two months now. But even when I was only a secretary, everyone was still so nice and caring.

"The appointment went fine. The baby is fine. I got a new sonogram but Claire stole it and put it up on the fridge in the break room."

"Awesome. I will check that out." Rob said.

"So how far along are you?" Alex asked. I knew Alex was as eager for this baby to be born as I was.

"About seven months. Twenty-eight weeks to be exact."

"Urgh so we have to wait like another twelve weeks for this bundle of joy." Alex said.

I laughed. "Yeah. But at least I'm done with school now so that gives me a few months before college starts. I'm just relieved that the baby will be here before I start college."

"I know. I'm so proud." Alex said. I smiled. Alex had really taken me under his wing these past few months. He was like the father figure I lacked in my life.

"You know it'll be hard. Especially with a baby that's a few months old. College is tough enough." Rob said.

Alex could see anxiety grow across my face and he quickly said, "But no worries. We're all here for you."

"Now that is true." Rob said. "So did you find out the sex of the baby yet?"

"No. Sorry. Monica went with me to the doctor's and we decided we wanted it to be a surprise."

"The suspense is killing me!" Rob said.

"I know but it will surely be an awesome surprise."

Just than Monica came, "Hey ready for lunch?" I nodded. Rob, Monica and I went with a few others to lunch at this place called the 'Bread Factory' where they had the best stir-fry ever. We grabbed our food and looked for a table for six but the downstairs was completely packed.

"Maybe there'll be seats upstairs?" I asked.

"Yeah, there are but I don't want you going up and down the stairs." Monica said quickly.

"Oh come on. Nothing will happen." I said. We all went upstairs and sat and ate. After a little while Sophie came and joined us.

"Oh hey Sophie." Monica said. "Shouldn't you be in school?"

"Regents week. I don't have any exams so I didn't have to go in." Sophie says while she sits down next to me. I didn't know what regents were until I moved to New York. Thank God, I didn't have to take those statewide exams because most of my schooling was done out of state. Everyone talked and laughed and enjoyed themselves but I was out of it.

"What's wrong?" Claire, one of my other coworkers asks.

I shake my head and am about to say nothing is wrong when Monica interjects. "Today is Freddie's nineteenth birthday."

"It's okay to miss him, you know?" Sophie whispers in my ear. I tell them all to drop it, especially because I didn't want to break down into tears in the middle of a restaurant. I didn't want to think about how he was or where he was. Since I left all I thought about was him and for the past few weeks when I was slowly learning to put my past behind me, BAM! His birthday comes up.

I direct the conversation towards the banquet that the paper was having in three weeks and it works. Everyone becomes cooped up in the conversation about how wonderful it was going to be and how they were so excited. Before I knew it our lunch was over and we were getting ready to leave.

"Be careful coming down the stairs." Monica says.

I roll my eyes, "Seriously Mon, I know how to-" And that's when it happens. I couldn't believe it was happening but it was.

In an instant flash I was rolling down the stairs of the restaurant. Louder than my screams were the screams of Monica, Sophie, Claire, Rob and John. I grabbed on to my stomach as I continued to fall. 'Please don't let anything happen to my baby.' I thought.

My head hit the handrail as I fell from the last step and land on my stomach. My eyes were feeling heavy and I had to fight to try to keep them open. I could see my friends and other people from the restaurant surrounding me. I could barely hear John saying, "Sam? Sam? Are you okay?"

"Oh my God, she's bleeding." Rob screamed. I touch my forehead slightly and look at my hand which is quickly covered in blood from the cut on my forehead.

"SOMEONE CALL THE DAMN AMBULENCE!" I heard Monica yell. And after that I blacked out.

I slowly open my eyes to see Monica, Sophia, Claire and some nurses surrounding me as they rush me into one of the delivery rooms. 'Oh God, no!' I think to myself. 'It's too early. It's too early for me to have my baby.' I try to get the words to come out of my mouth but I can't seem to manage the strength.

I hear the nurse ask whose coming in with me and I hear Monica say that she is and for Sophia and Claire to wait outside.

"Mon…" I start to say. "Mon… it hurts."

"I know it does sweetie, but don't worry, everything will be okay."

"My baby will be okay right?"

"Yes of course. Don't worry. The baby will be okay." Monica says. I don't think I believe her. I don't think she believes it either. The nurse asks Monica to put on some hospital gear and soon the doctor comes in. I thank God as I hear a familiar voice, it's Dr. Evans, my OB/GYN. The same gynecologist whom I've been going to ever since I came to New York. The same gynecologist who's been with me through my whole pregnancy and watched my baby grow inside me. Dr. Evans knew everything. She knew me. She knew my story. I felt some relief knowing that it was her and not just any random doctor.

I hear the nurse telling Dr. Evans what happened and that I hear the shock in Dr. Evan's voice, especially knowing that I'm still twelve weeks away from my due date. I didn't know my water had broken until the nurse told the doctor.

"Well we need to get this baby out of her quickly for the baby to be able to survive." I hear Dr. Evans whisper. I try to breathe.

I can barely hear Monica ask, "And Sam… she'll be fine right?"

"She should be but her heart rate is extremely low and only continues to fall by the minute."

"Whatever you do… save Sam!" Monica nearly screams.

"Mon…" I try to say but the Dr. Evans interjects.

"Sam's heart rate is too low so we can't give her any medication or an epidural and we need to deliver this baby as fast as we can for both mother and child to be able to survive." Dr. Evans checks to see if I'm dilated and says to the nurse, "She's only seven centimeters dilated so far. Let's give it about ten minutes or so and see if she fully dilates or else we will have to perform a cesarean."

"Can we really wait ten minutes?" one of the nurses asks.

"It's better for Samantha to have a natural birth than a c-section right now because of how weak she is. It's the mother's life or the child's life right now and I am trying to save both of them but my prime concern is the mother."

Monica comes and holds my hand. The pain is excruciating. I feel like someone is ripping out my insides piece by piece. This isn't how I ever imagined this to be. I mean I never knew how painful having children was but this whole scenario… I never could have imagined this in my wildest dreams.

I never imagine having my baby twelve weeks premature. I never imagined having a baby at the tender age of eighteen. I always pictured in my head, although I never brought these words to my mouth, that Freddie and I would be married with careers and then expecting a baby on the way… and once I carried our baby to term and went into delivery, he would hold my hand as I cursed him out for ever touching me and threatened to cut off his boy parts so that I never had to feel this pain again. That's how I imagined it but that isn't how it was happening.

The doctor comes back in and checks to see if I've fully dilated yet. "Okay…" she begins to say, "It's time Sam, for you to push this baby."

I squeeze Monica's hand as she stands next to the doctor. "Push Samantha, push." Dr. Evans says. I push as hard as I can. "Come on, breathe." I take a deep breath and push again. "Follow my breathing Sam, hee hee hoo. Hee hee hoo." I breathe at the pace of the doctor and push as hard as I can. "Okay we're getting there. Keep pushing and breathing."

"I can see the head." Monica says in awe. "Come on Sam, you're doing it." I keep pushing, one hard push after the next. I feel like somebody is tearing me to shreds. No, that doesn't even describe this pain. There is no description for this pain. It hurts so bad, I can't help but let the tears roll down my face. I take a deep breath and push again.

"We're almost there Sam. One last push and the baby will be out!" Dr. Evans says. I take one final deep breath and push as hard as I can, screaming in agony. "She's out." Dr. Evans says as she cuts the umbilical cord and hands my daughter over to the nurse.

"It's a girl." I whisper. Dr. Evans turns to the nurse and Monica and whispers something that I can't hear. I have no clue what's going on and it makes me anxious.

Then it hits me. Something isn't right. This doesn't feel right. "She's not crying. She should be crying. Why isn't she crying?" I begin to scream.

"I'm sorry Sam…" Dr. Evans begins to say.

"WHY ARE YOU SAYING YOU'RE SORRY!" I scream. I look over to Monica who has tears in her eyes as she is holding my daughter, who the nurse just wrapped in a pink blanket. "WHY IS MY DAUGHTER NOT CRYING!" Then I feel another pain. It feels a lot worse than when I was pushing, maybe because my body was still weak. I scream out in agony and clutch the bed sheet.

"What's going on?" Monica screams. Dr. Evans and the nurses rush to me.

"I can't believe it. There's… there's another baby in there." Dr. Evans says.

"She was pregnant with twins?" Monica asks shocked. "How did you not know that?"

"Sometimes this happens. It's rare but it happens. One baby is hiding behind the other making it impossible to detect that there are twins and their heart beats are synchronized so you can't tell that there are two different heart beats or two separate babies." Dr. Evans says in a rush. "Okay Sam… we have to do this again… I need you to do exactly what you did last time. Okay?" I nod and with after taking a deep breath I push. I continue to push harder and harder. It hurts more than the first time because my body is still weak but I have to do it. I take another deep breath and push. "Okay Sam… I see the head. Keep pushing." I hear Dr. Evans say. I squeeze onto one of the nurse's hands as Monica is still holding my baby and I push as hard as I can. I take another deep breath and with all I have I give a huge push.

And than I hear it. I hear what I should have heard the first time. I hear a baby. A baby crying. It was like music to my ears. "Congratulations, Sam… you have a baby girl." I hear Dr. Evans say. I look over to see Monica handing the first baby to the nurse and Dr. Evans handing Monica another pink bundle. One that is kicking and crying. Monica comes next to me and hands me my baby. She's so small with just a little bit of fuzz on her bald head. Her face is so pink and wet and her eyes… her eyes are so blue. They look exactly like mine. I look at her and tears begin to stream down my face and I hand her back to Monica.

"Can I… can I hold… her?" I ask Dr. Evans pointing to my first born.

"Are you sure you want to?" Dr. Evans asks me. I silently nod and she places my baby in my arms. I look at her, so small, so pale. She looks like a sleeping angel. Only I know she isn't sleeping. But she's with the angels. Dr. Evans comes next to me with the other baby and tells me that she's small and is having a hard time breathing so they need to put her in an incubator. Just for now, and she asks if I want to hold her. I nod and take her into one hand and I hold my two babies in my arms together for the first and last time.

I hand over the younger baby to Dr. Evans and ask, "She's going to be okay, right?"

"Yes, she will. She's just really small so she needs a little bit help breathing but she will be fine." I nod and she walks away to put the baby in an incubator in the nursery. I hold my first born baby in my hands and start to cry my heart out. Monica sits beside me on the bed and puts her arms around me and she starts to cr too.

After a while I hand the baby over to Monica and fall asleep. I'm too tired and too weak to be able to handle the pain. I fall asleep and dream about my first born. She looks like she's a few years old and she has my blond hair, only it's straight and Freddie's brown eyes. "Don't cry mommy. I'm in a better place." She says while letting go of my finger. I try to hold on tighter and scream for her not to go but she wipes away my tears and says, "Be strong, mommy. Be brave. I'll always be watching over you mommy. Take care of my little sister, okay?" And with that she leaves, walking into a bright white light. I wake up startled with tears in my eyes and I look around the room to see Monica, Sophie and a lot of the people from my office, including Claire, Rob, John and Alex. The room is packed with people who have tears in their eyes.

"Sam…" Sophie begins to say, "The nurses… they want a name… to put on her birth and death certificate. I know this isn't the time but…"

"Gracie." I say.

"Huh?" Sophie asks.

"Gracie Monica Melanie Benson." I say, looking over to Monica who has a small smile. "That's her name."

"And…" Sophia asks.

"And…" I say as I walk over to the window in my room that shows the nursery, "My younger daughter is Lucy Carlotta Marissa Benson." I look into the nursery to see Lucy who is hooked up to an incubator. She looks so small and so weak.

After a while everyone leaves and Dr. Evans comes in. "I'm sorry Sam." She begins to say, "I wanted to save you and your baby… but I couldn't save Gracie and risk your life. And when I saw that Lucy was still in there, I did everything I could to make sure she was okay. But I'm sorry…"

I cut her off, "If it were any other doctor, I probably wouldn't have either one of my daughters. It's not your fault you couldn't save Gracie. You were just trying to save me." I said trying to smile. And at that moment I knew that Dr. Evans was the reason I was still alive and the reason I still had Lucy, if not Lucy and Gracie both. From that moment I knew I wanted to be a doctor just like her… and help save lives.

I opened my eyes and the tears began to stream down my face. I look up to see Melanie who was standing right in front of me and I fell into her arms and began weeping uncontrollably. Once I could manage to get the words out, I told her everything. "B-b-b-but how did you know?"

"When Monica called, I started to talk to her and we began to discuss why you swore Freddie didn't love you or Freddie couldn't love you. Sam, you're not the reason Gracie isn't alive." Melanie said.

"YES I AM." I hissed. "Yes I am the reason, Melanie. I couldn't do anything right. I couldn't even carry her and Lucy to term. I couldn't even do what women are meant to do properly. I failed. I'm the reason Gracie never got to open her eyes. I'm the reason! All me!"

"You can't blame yourself. None of us do and Freddie surely never would."

"You don't know that." I whispered.

"Yes, I do." Melanie said straightening up. "Now let me get you some napkins and a nice cold glass of limeade."

As Mel left, I wiped away my tears and called Monica. "Hey Mon."

"Hey Sam… bad news."

"Oh God… I'm sure this won't make me happy."

"I don't think it will either."

"So lay it on me."

"There are no empty seats to fly into New York today."

I took a deep breath, "Okay, that's bad… but it could be worse. When is the next available flight with two seats?"

"Flights from Seattle to New York are booked for the next week."

"WHAT!" I nearly screamed.

"I could barely find one seat available let alone two and I know you're not coming back alone or sending Luce alone."

"You've got to be fucking kidding me! How the hell is this possible? You found me tickets to Seattle the same day I asked you to!"

"I guess flights to Seattle are just often empty. More people are coming to New York from Seattle than they are going to Seattle from New York. I will book you the next available flight I find."

I nod realizing that she can't hear me nodding I say, "Okay."

Still not believing Monica and thinking it was some sort of trap set up by Melanie and Monica together, I called the travel agency only to find that Mon wasn't lying and there were in fact, no two seats available to New York. I lay down on the bed when Melanie enters with a glass of limeade. "Sorry that took so long, I had to make a fresh batch. What's wrong with you?"

I groan, "The next available flight back to New York is in like a week." I look up to see a huge smile come across Melanie's face.

"YES! This is great! I can't wait to tell Lucy!"

Almost instantly she runs downstairs and comes back with an over the top ecstatic Lucy who jumps on top of me and hugs me. "I'm so happy we get to stay!" Lucy squeals.