Disclaimer: Digimon is copyrighted by Akiyoshi Hongo and produced by Toei Animation, Disney, Saban, and TOKYOPOP. I only own the plot, and no profit will be made in any way.
Thoughts of the Children
Forgiven Controller: Ken Ichijouji
Jealousy, coldness, and rage: that was what I felt whenever I was around Sam or whenever that name was mentioned when I was younger. Even though I idolized my older brother, I was severely jealous of him. The reason was because he was getting all of the attention that I wanted. Whether it was school, computer, or my parents, he got all the attention, and I was one in the shadows. He had everything that I desired, and I wanted that for myself.
But when that digivice came out from the computer and, in a way, signaled me and not Sam, I felt like I was able to do something that my brother could not do. And when I got sucked into the Digital World and met Wormmon and someone else, I felt something that I never felt before: comfort. I never had a lot of comfort from my brother or my parents, so this was very new to me.
Still, I loved my parents and my brother. I considered them my mentors; they helped me grow and learn despite their busy schedules. Albeit my subtle jealousy of Sam, I felt glad that he was my brother. He helped me with several techniques like chess, blowing bubbles, and computers. In other words, he helped me get mentally stronger.
But after getting slapped on the wrist, I felt extreme hatred towards him, and I got even more miffed when Mom and Dad actually defended him. I never felt so angry in my life. I thought that my parents betrayed me. The ones that I loved turned their backs on me. I felt very lonely and very angry. I never felt this feeling of anger and hostility towards them. It also drove me to the brink of vengeance and insanity.
But that feeling became very mixed when I watched my brother die on the street. I still felt that hatred inside me, but sadness and regret also controlled me. I became so guilty of not only my actions, but also the thoughts of isolating myself from the ones I loved and cared for.
About one year later, when I played on Sam's computer for the very first time since that tragic accident, I felt very nervous and very scared. I sometimes felt that someone was watching me, like the computer or his room itself was paying very close attention to every syllable, every step, and every blink I make.
Even when I traveled into the World of Darkness for the first time, I felt that same disturbing feeling. I had a gut-wrenching feeling that I was being spied on, that it was telling me things that I believe no one heard. What I felt was that they were telling me to put my digivice into the Dark Ocean, like they were forcing my hand into the chilly water.
And that water gave me so many shivers down my spine. My nerves twitched in numbness and my body felt cold.
Afterwards, I did not know what I did. I became the Digimon Emperor, enslaved hundreds of digimon, and even battled the DigiDestined. My conscience was telling me to stop all my cruel actions, but that nerve-biting sensation on the back of my neck was filling my conscience with total darkness. When I saw the DigiDestined as the Emperor, I thought of several people coming down upon me, and I felt that I had to destroy them, in order to free my past and my soul.
When I battled the DigiDestined in that desert – the area where I sent Kimeramon out to seize them – my brain and neck jolted in numbness and when I heard that bone-chilling voice coming from not only the base, but also from my brain, I became very scared, even more scared than when I attended Sam's funeral.
My mind seemed to conquer my soul after Kimeramon's defeat and when it – along with the DigiDestined – told me about the crimes I committed, I wanted to bury myself a grave for me to crawl in. That way, I could put myself in an everlasting coma, hoping that one day, I would wake up from an unrelenting nightmare.
It was not the case, though. I really committed these cruel acts. I felt this feeling of dread of sorrow internally, especially after Wormmon's "death." Instead of walking into a grave, I wanted to jump off a cliff and kill myself, so that I would not have to feel all this anguish and sorrow inside me.
After getting that long sleep, I felt that there was a chance that I could possibly make up for my sins. That was the main reason why I tried to find Wormmon; to tell him that I felt very terrible of what I did to him and wanted a second chance. When the Crest of Kindness illuminated, I felt very relieved: My first two tasks of putting everything behind me were completed.
But I wondered about the DigiDestined and the rest of the Digital World. I was wondering if they were that willing to forgive me. I guessed that it would not be the case, especially with Stingmon killing a digimon.
Maybe that was why I was shell-shocked when Davis asked me to join the group. I could not believe that of all the terrible things I caused that Davis was that willing to forgive me. I also told myself why he would do that, since the others not as willing to put it behind them, at least not for the time being.
But there was something else that gave me not only bliss, but chills: the capability of having at least one friend. I felt that because of what I did, being a friend of someone was not very deserving. I felt like I should stay in exile from the team and the rest of the DigiDestined.
But the subsequent DNA Digivolution of Stingmon and ExVeemon made me really confused. I wondered if going out, knocking down the Control Spires and defeating Arukenimon on my own was the right thing to do after all. After a few more battles, I became very relieved that I actually became friends with the others. I became very happy and comfortable rather than cold and lonely. Even with Wormmon around, it still felt very lonely in that cold room of mine.
And it gave me an even bigger relief when I laughed at my Christmas party. For the first time in almost a year, I became very cheerful and I had even happier thoughts. It felt like a dream was coming true and my soul would finally be free.
But after going around the world to send the wild digimon back to the Digital World, dark thoughts popped back into my mind again. I felt the same tingling sensation on the back of my neck like when I was the Digimon Emperor. I was not sure why it occurred so suddenly, but I felt that it was an omen to something really drastic in the upcoming future.
And was my theory right when Daemon arrived and Oikawa, Arukenimon, and Mummymon took me away in that blasted truck. When Oikawa revealed that it was the Dark Spore that caused all my crimes as the Digimon Emperor, my memory clicked back specifically to what, when, and how I started feeling this shiver on the back of my neck. I felt not only foolish for constantly beating myself down after my soul was freed from the Dark Spore's control, I felt angry, angry that I was swindled by Oikawa and his henchmen to do their dirty work. It was the first time since the day Sam slapped my hand that I became that angry.
I also became angry because they lured the poor children into their trap because they wanted to be like me: a genius and an intelligent child. But after realizing that Oikawa purposely left out the consequence of having the Dark Spore being injected inside them, I just felt nothing, but pure hatred for Oikawa.
When Davis, the others and I battled Daemon, Daemon's voice made me realize something. When I was the Emperor, I heard that same voice when I was threatened to be sent to the Dark Ocean. I realized that it was Daemon who threatened me, and that led me into wanting to destroy him. But when every option failed, I knew there was only one place where he could never hurt me again: the World of Darkness. That was when everyone gave me confidence that I could free myself from their control and rid myself of the guilt that was buried inside my heart for eons.
Still, after we forced Daemon back to the World of Darkness, my soul was still clinging to the darkness and for controlling my heart and soul. Maybe that was why I thought of being tied up on that pole, receiving every single blow of the digimon that I abused as the Digimon Emperor, but when I found out that it was illusion, I told myself I could not let the darkness beat down my heart, soul, and ego.
Afterwards, I gained a lot of confidence and the Dark Spore's effectiveness was no longer working. The night after MaloMyotismon was defeated, I looked at the back of my neck through a mirror, and I realized that the bar code on the back of my neck was no longer there. My soul was finally free and I was finally able to move on with my life.
The following morning, unbeknownst to my parents, I went to Sam's gravesite and touched it, letting him know that I was thanking him for everything that he taught me when he was alive. I also have a feeling that, when the time was right, I will have the opportunity to see him again someday…
This was actually a rewrite of what I wrote of Ken's thoughts previously. I actually had the chapter finished, but it seemed quite flat and long-winded, so I revised the whole thing to give the chapter more depth.
That's all I'll say now, other than read and review once you can. No flames, please, and I catch ya later!
