Monday, February 28th

Pat Benatar was right. Love is a battlefield. For some reason I want to blow up Mike's head with an M-80.

At lunch I completely ignored the bastard. He didn't deserve to talk to me. Instead I chose to speak with Eric which turned out to be even more unsettling than talking to He-Who-Shall-Remain-Nameless.

"What's with you and Mikey?" Eric asked, poking me in the arm with his spork (which are the X-Men of eating utensils). "Having a lover's quarrel?"

"Hardly," I said. "He's being an asshole."

"What else is new?"

I glanced over at the end of the lunch table where Mike was trying to have a conversation with Bella. She was half-listening, as usual. Too busy "observing" the Cullens. God, I'm a resentful shrew.

"Who are you going to the dance with, Eric?" Angela asked, trying desperately to lighten conversation.

If there was an Olympic sport dedicated to changing the subject, Angela would win the gold medal. I would be her coach of course, since she has practiced the art of subject changing on me her entire life.

Angela's question made Eric unusually uncomfortable. He coughed and jerked his head in Bella's direction. I groaned dramatically.

"You have got to be joking," I said.

Angela pursed her lips and gave me her signature 'shut-up-now' look. I ignored her as tradition dictated.

"Mike's already taking her," I told him.

Eric glared at me. "Oh. So you just automatically assume I'm asking Bella?"

"I'm not assuming."

Eric and I stared daggers at each other for a solid three minutes before her caved in. I smiled triumphantly and sat back in my chair. Naturally Eric had to ruin my moment.

"Are you jealous or something, Stanley?" Eric asked. "I never thought you were the type."

"I'm not jealous," I said primly.

Then Lauren appeared out of thin air, slamming her half-empty lunch tray on the table. Eric and I forgot out "spat" and gave her our full attention (she liked that).

"What's your problem, Lauren-kins?" I asked.

"Tyler Crowley is an asshole!" she shouted.

Said Tyler Crowley was sitting with Mike fighting for Bella's attention. He had not heard Lauren's enraged shouting which was kind of weird if you think about it. No really. The whole lunch room heard Lauren shouting. Tyler must be deaf.

"I think you're overreacting," Angela said soothingly.

"Uh…no!" Lauren said shoving a lettuce leaf in her mouth. I wish I had the self-control to eat only a salad for lunch. I glanced forlornly at my tray full of chicken potpie and tater-tots. "Guess what the jerk did!"

"What did he do?" Angela, Eric and I asked leaning closer.

"Well," Lauren said looking pleased. She enjoyed having such an interested audience. "When I asked him to the dance he said no. Why? Because he's already going to ask-"

"Bella," we chorused.

Lauren pouted. "Why is everyone so deranged about this girl? Seriously!"

Eric opened his mouth to list all of Bella's excellent qualities, but I stepped on his foot before he could say anything. I don't need to hear about The Queen of the Fucking Universe while I'm eating. Totally ruins my appetite.


Home

Mike called me after I got home from school. My mother almost fainted from utter joy.

"Are you two finally…"she lowered her voice. "going steady?"

"What the hell does that mean?" I asked.

Urban dictionary defines "going steady" as: what white kids in the 50's called dating. Sorry Mom. I'm not an extra in Bye Bye Birdie.

Anyway, I didn't want to talk to Mike, let alone go steady with him. But my mother looked so excited that if I didn't talk to him I would feel guilty until I did something to balance out my karma. And who knows how long that would take!

"What do you want?" I snapped once my mother was out of the room.

"This is important," Mike said.

Important to Mike Newton was in fact not very important to anyone else. He thinks differently than normal human beings. He probably found his mom's tampons and called me to ask how they worked.

"Do you think Bella would go to the dance with me?" Mike asked, very seriously I might add. "And if yes, then how should I ask her?"

Blah blah blah blah. That's all I was hearing. Like on those old Charlie Brown cartoons when the adults were incapable of forming sentences.

"I don't know," I said. "Sky-writing? A singing telegram? I honestly couldn't care less about your romantic escapades."

"Why are you bitchy?" Mike asked. "Are you on birth control pills?"

I've been friends with geek since birth. Why? I haven't the faintest idea.

"Why are you all so obsessed with Bella Swan?" I asked, ignoring Mike's juvenile comments. "She's not so special."

"Yeah she is," Mike argued. "She's different."

I didn't say anything. There was just a loud, awkward silence. I wanted him to feel my wrath. Boy did he feel it. I made sure.

"Whatever do you mean, Michael?" I asked.

"Well," Mike said nervously. I could tell he was about to piss his pants. "She…she…"

"Tell me," I said. "If you like this chick so damn much why did you kiss me?"

Another loud silence… except this time I was feeling my own stupidity. For the record, I didn't mean to say that. It kind of slipped out. Words slip out of my mouth like vomit. Nasty, ugly word vomit. I wish I could control it, but it's out of my jurisdiction.

"Okay!" I said, my voice becoming unnaturally shrill. "Let's just forget I said that. You should definitely ask Miss Teen Queen Arizona to the dance. Maybe you can use a blimp. Girls like blimps."

Then I hung up.


Wednesday, March 2nd

Attempt #1: Mike Newton

He asked her during biology (apparently the "girl's choice" aspect of the "girl's choice spring dance" has been forgotten). I was in English, fighting for woman's rights in literature and getting shot down by Mr. Mason, so I didn't get to see it go down. Luckily Angela was there!

"I don't think it's my place to gossip," she said. We had convinced Angela to skip gym so we could discuss Mike's humiliation in private.

"Just tell us, Mother Teresa," Lauren said, rolling her eyes.

Angela looked like she was going to cry, so I promised to buy her a strawberry milkshake after school and she gave in.

"Bella's not going to the dance," Angela reported. "She's going to Seattle."

Lauren looked a bit let down. She was expecting something more exciting, I'm sure. But nothing thrilling ever happens in Forks. You get used to it after a while.

"Then she said that Mike should take you," Angela said smiling at me. Lauren stifled a laugh while I shuddered. "After all that was over, Bella had some sort of staring contest with Edward Cullen. At least…that's what it looked like."

Lauren slapped a hand to her forehead. "No frigging way! She's falling for Cullen? Remember the last girl who went after him?"

Oh yes I did. Charlotte Morgan was the nubile New Girl last year. She fell head over heels in groupie love with Cullen and never shut her mouth. Now she dresses all in black, mourning her lost love/broken heart/missing brain. Everyone thinks she's crazy.

SEE?! Proof that Edward Cullen, in large doses, makes you nutter-butters.

"Poor Mike," Angela said.

"Poor Mike" wasn't at lunch today. He had locked himself in a bathroom stall and wrote nasty things about Cullen on the wall in sharpie marker.

Attempt #2: Eric Yorkie

I got to see this one first hand via a bush in the school parking lot. The rad thing about Forks is that there's a lot of greenery for you to hide behind. Excellent spying.

Lauren and I followed Eric to Bella's truck and dove behind a nice looking bush. Angela refused to partake in the spying, instead going to diner to wait for her promised strawberry milkshake. Bella appeared moments later. She looked totally freaked out… probably because Eric looked like a leering pervert.

"He needs to wash his hair," Lauren whispered.

"Shut up!" I hissed back.

We couldn't hear that well, but I did make out Eric getting turned down too. Poor thing. I must remember to give him a compliment some time tomorrow.

"Going to Seattle, my ass," Lauren said as we walked to her car, already bored of Eric's misery. "She's lying."

"How can you tell?" I asked, interested.

"I'm the Queen of Lying," Lauren answered proudly. "I bet she's a prostitute. Hot child in the city, and all that jazz."

I mulled this over as Lauren pulled out of her parking space. There was a long line of cars trying to get out of the parking lot themselves thanks to Tyler's car.

He left it running with the damn door open so he could talk to Bella. What an asshole.

"Does he have to do this now?" I said.

"Yell in Hebrew," Lauren said grinning.

I sighed. Yell in Hebrew was a game we made up after my Bat Mitzvah. We were at the town pool waiting in line for the snack bar. There was this random bikini girl chatting up the cashier so there was this mega long line in people. The point of Yell in Hebrew was to make everyone in line fucking annoyed. In my opinion, no one wins.

"Yell in Hebrew," Lauren said again. She didn't seem angry about Tyler, but you can never tell with her. "You know swears right?"

Yes. As a matter of fact I do.

So I Yelled in Hebrew out the window like the game dictated. Everyone started yelling English swears at me (with such classics as "fat-ass", "dumb bitch" and "fucking midget"). I swear this town is so white bread.

Oh! That was Attempt #3 by the way. I later found out it was a dud.


A/n: This chapter contains a lot of references to stuff xD