Chapter 10: Going Home
Today was the day I was allowed to go home. Home, I wanted to smile when I thought of it, but I couldn't because I was scared, not of Charlie, not anymore - he wouldn't hurt me - but of those out there that still could get to me and hurt me. There was true evil in the world, all around us, and no matter what Charlie said, even he couldn't keep all the monsters away. He could try, but he couldn't protect me every second of the day.
However, I was glad to be able to leave the hospital after spending 12 long days here, and get away from all the pitiful and disgusting looks the nursing staff and Dr. Cullen gave me. They all tried to tell me that it wasn't my fault, that I was just a child when it started and that I couldn't have stopped him even if I wanted to. They said he had power over me, physically and mentally - mentally because every time I would think of telling, he'd threaten my mom and I'd quickly rethink my decision. But the truth was, even if he hadn't been threatening her, I still don't think I would have told, out of shame, mostly.
Anyway, every time they tried to comfort me, I'd shout obscenaties at them and every time they came to close, I'd panic and a lot of the times they'd have to sedate me. When Dr. Cullen sugested a therapist, I told him to go to hell and never to come near me again - he seemed saddened by it, but not angry, surprisingly, since I knew men had the tendency to get angry at the slightest things.
Today was friday and even though everyone strongly urged against it, I had begged Charlie to let me back to school on monday. I couldn't just sit at home in my room all day, I'd go crazy. He had agreed, reluctantly and bought me a cellphone so I could call him if anything was wrong. Dr Cullen, after a long chat with Charlie, finally agreed to give me a paper saying I was fit enought to go back to my classes, with the exeption of doing sports of any kind for at least three more months. My body and heart still needed more time to heal, he voiced. I didn't mind, I sucked at sports anyway.
Dr. Cullen came in with Charlie, interrupting me from my musings. "Hello Bella, how are you feeling today?" He asked, carefully. 'Like shit, how else?!' I wanted to shout at him, instead I just shrugged. He was, after all, responsible for saving my life, so I could at least pretend to try and be friendly to him. Though, if I had had the choice, I would've let me die and let go of all this pain.
"Are you feeling up to leaving this place?" He asked and this time I nodded, eagerly. I still didn't speak much around people - something I had learned from him - Charlie was hard, but it was getting easier because I trusted him not to hurt or touch me. I still couldn't find it in me to fully trust Dr. Cullen, even though he gave me the feeling that I could, just like his children gave me that same feelings. And at first, I wanted to give into that feeling, badly, but after much consideration, I realized that feelings could be misleading, so I decided to go against the trust I felt toward him and his kids and go with the distrust my mind kept shouting at me. It was the safest thing for me to do, I thought.
"Okay, well your discharge papers are all ready and signed, so Charlie can take you home as soon as you feel up to it. No rush, of course. Take your time to get ready. You will have to come back next friday for a check up, but that's about it. Take care, Bella," Dr. Cullen said - Charlie thanked him - and he left.
"So Bells, 'you ready?" Charlie asked, awkwardly - we could talk, but we still had more awkward than comfortable moments, sadly, but unavoidably in my current state of mind.
"Definately," I said, jumping of the bed, swaying a little due to standing up to fast - Charlie looked like he wanted to rush to my aid, but didn't because he knew I'd panic if he came too close. I steadied myself and headed towards the door - I had dressed in regular clothes that Charlie brought yesterday when I woke up, very eager to leave the hospital.
I felt as though everyone was staring at me as I proceeded out of the hospital, thinking they all knew my secret. Paranoid? I guess, a little - okay, a lot. But I couldn't help it, it was just how I felt.
The drive home was spend mostly in silence. Charlie would, on occasion, ask me how I was doing and each time I gave him my standard answer; I was fine. I could make small talk with him, yes, but that didn't mean I could pour out my heart to him just like that. I wasn't ready to talk about it, and was unsure wether I would ever be ready. It just wasn't something I wanted to talk, or even think about. I could avoid talking about it as much as I wanted, but I could not avoid thinking about it, as it was on my mind every second of every damn day.
Once home, I went straight to my room, already feeling exhausted from the small trip from the hospital to the house. Dr. Cullen had warned me this would happen a lot in the coming weeks, seeing as I was still weak and was heavily medicated at the moments. The infection had been very bad and it would take more than a couple of weeks to fully recover. Though, I knew as well as anybody that a full recovery would never happen. Even if I did manage to achieve some form of happyness in the future, I would always be broken and used.
Charlie came up a little while later with some slices of leftover pizza he had the other day - he knew I couldn't eat much, but that it was essential that I ate something or I would wind up being back in the hospital.
It physically and mentally hurt me to eat, even though it were only 2 small slices, but I managed and as soon as I was finished, I slipped into a restless sleep. Charlie sometimes appeared in my dreams and saved me, like that first night after our conversation, but usualy he stayed away and Phill got to me and hurt me, like he always did. I woke up screaming half the night and Charlie rushing in each time, even though he knew it was probably just a nightmare, he came in so I would know that he would do anything to protect me, even if there was nothing but nightmares to protect me from.
He vowed to me that it would get better, that I would get past this one day and I truly wanted to believe that he was right, but I wasn't sure if I could. I just had to wait and see what the future brought to me. I hoped though, that I wouldn't get hurt again, as I'd had enough of that in my life for one lifetime. I hoped, that if there was a God, he'd give me a break, after everything.
'Break me, shake me hate me take me over
When the madness stops then you will be alone
So won't you break me shake me hate me take me over
When the madness stops then you will be alone'
Break Me, Shake Me by Savage Garden
