Fifth Year – Part Four


The dorm room was dark, eerily quiet as Sirius stared up at the canopy above his bed. His arms were folded neatly across his stomach, frozen there against him as he laid thinking. Tonight was the fifth day of Remus having disappeared from Hogwarts' grounds and Sirius found himself growing number as the nights passed without his companion's presence. He tilted his head slightly, looking past his open curtains and eyed Remus' bed. All signs of the young boy ever living there had disappeared right along with him.

The day after the incident, James and Peter had attempted to enter the Infirmary to visit Remus after classes, only to find the bed empty and their questions about Remus' whereabouts ignored by Madame Pomfrey. The three of them had assumed that he might've moved to St. Mungo's since his injuries had been so bad, but when the elves came for his things not three days later Sirius' heart had plummeted.

The house elves had explained that the items were being shipped to Remus' house in the countryside. Sirius had run from the room then, bolting through the common room and searching for Professor McGonagall for an explanation. When he finally found her, she briskly told him that Remus had withdrawn from Hogwarts for an undisclosed amount of time. Sirius remembered her face being completely void of any pity as she closed her office door on his face.

Reluctantly, Sirius turned his head back to the canopy, a heavy sadness pushing down on his chest. Normally, when Sirius was this distraught about something, the werewolf was the only person he could turn to, but Sirius had gone to strenuous lengths to make sure that never would happen again, hadn't he?

A stinging sensation moved along his eyes and Sirius lifted his palms up and against them, willing it away. He hadn't the right to cry. Everything had been his fault. He'd been so bloody stupid and now he could barely stand looking at his reflection in the mirror, hating himself more than he'd ever hated Snape.

Not sure he'd be able to hold back his tears with his palms alone, he pushed himself up into a sitting position, throwing his legs over the bed and breathed in deeply. He needed to get out of the room, away from everything and himself if possible. He scrambled out of bed and headed towards James' trunk. As quietly as he could, he fished out the invisibility cloak and Marauder's Map, closing the latch slowly behind him. Creating as little noise as possible, he tiptoed out of the room and down the stairs into the common room. Once he reached the portal door, he pulled out the map.

"I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good." He whispered at it, just as Remus had taught them.

The blank page quickly filled itself with the grounds of Hogwarts. Sirius had only really been planning to escape to the Astronomy tower for a few moments to think, but when he saw a name walking along one of the halls on the fifth floor he quickly changed his mind.

Dumbledore.

If anyone could tell him about where Remus was, he could. Knowing he'd have to hurry in order to catch up with the Headmaster, Sirius rolled up the map and threw the cloak around him.

Several minutes later and panting breathlessly, Sirius finally saw the older wizard calmly strolling the third floor hall ahead of him. He stopped running and stared at the retreating form in front of him. Dumbledore was taking light steps, his hands clasped behind his back as his robes billowed gently behind him from the movement. Sirius exhaled sharply, his nerves catching up with him. The last time he'd seen Dumbledore was in his office a week ago, the day he'd ratted out Remus' condition. It had not been a pleasant visit and Sirius was sure the Headmaster held some contempt for him. It was obvious Remus had been one of his favorite students, taking time to talk with him on a regular basis through the halls. It wasn't often the Headmaster could be seen openly conversing with a student, yet Remus had seemed to be an extraordinary exception. Sirius sighed, suddenly not sure if Dumbledore would even be willing to speak with him.

There didn't seem to be any harm in at least trying. How could anyone hate him more?

With one last sigh and shake of encouragement, Sirius began moving forward again, briskly walking the remaining length of the hall in order to talk with Dumbledore. As soon as Sirius had reached the man's heels, the Headmaster stopped abruptly and turned to face the wall, forcing Sirius to skid to a halt.

"Licorice Snaps." The Headmaster said, staring at a statue in front of him.

As the gargoyle began to move, Sirius realized that he'd followed Dumbledore straight to his office. The Headmaster slowly began walking up the stairs and without thinking, Sirius bustled in after him before the statue replaced itself. As the two of them ascended the stairs, Sirius began thinking up ways he could explain to Dumbledore that he'd somehow managed to break into his office and stalk him in order to ask questions about a friend he'd just betrayed.

He was definitely going to get detention for this.

When they reached the top of the stairwell and entered into the small room, Sirius watched Dumbledore go straight to his chair at the far end, greeting his Phoenix along the way and feeding it a small candy before sitting down. Sirius stayed stiffly near the stairs, thinking he might be able to escape easily if necessary. His eyes danced around the colorful room, glancing at the portraits of Headmasters pass. He'd only been in this room twice before; once at the very beginning of his first year and the second, last week. Both times he'd been too nervous to ever notice the ridiculous amount of trinkets Dumbledore seemed to collect. He let his eyes carefully examine them, temporarily forgetting his reasons of being there in the first place.

"So," Dumbledore's voice spoke. "Are you here to simple admire my decorations or is there something you wanted to see me about?"

Sirius froze as he eyed the Headmaster, hoping to Merlin that he'd imagined the older wizard talking to him.

But Dumbledore was staring straight at him, his hands folded together atop his desk, making it clear that he was speaking to Sirius. Sirius felt a panic in him rise up, unable to comprehend how the Headmaster had possibly seen through the cloak. Feeling as though there was no more use in keeping himself hidden, Sirius slowly took it off, bundling it up in his hands, and eyed Dumbledore back nervously.

"Ah," The Headmaster said, looking at him up and down. "Mr. Black, would you like to have a seat or do you prefer standing by the door?"

Sirius, still confused about how Dumbledore had seen him, hastily moved into the nearest chair facing the older wizard's desk. He sat down, taking care to not look the Headmaster in the eye and trying to come up with a reasonable excuse for his intrusion. The older wizard made no noise as he stared down at Sirius, waiting for an explanation. Unfortunately, nothing immediate came to Sirius' mind and he shifted uncomfortably, feeling as if he had transformed back into his twelve-year-old self.

"I assume you are here about Remus Lupin," Dumbledore finally said, giving up on Sirius starting the conversation.

Sirius meekly nodded his head in agreement. He noted a tinge of coldness in Dumbledore's voice as he spoke to him.

"I just want to know where he is," Sirius said quietly, "and when he's coming back."

Dumbledore sighed softly, letting his body relax into his chair and peered at Sirius with a concerned look.

"Remus has been taken out of Hogwarts," He replied after a moment of reflection. "He does not plan on attending it any longer. His parents sent for his things only a few days ago as I'm sure you are aware."

Sirius gaped at the man in front of him.

"You mean, he's not coming back…ever?" Sirius asked.

"I'm afraid despite my assurances, Mr. Lupin does not feel safe here any longer."

"But," Sirius tried, feeling his face drain of blood. He'd thought Remus might disappear for the rest of the year, but to drop out of Hogwarts permanently, he'd never even considered it. "But you have to talk to his parents! You have to make them bring him back!" Sirius cried suddenly. He stood out of his chair and began pacing in front of Dumbledore's desk. "He's the best wizard in our year!"

"I think you are confused, Mr. Black," Dumbledore interrupted him calmly. "It is not Remus' parents who insisted on taking Remus home, it was Remus himself who decided to leave. It was entirely his choice."

Sirius stopped his pace and looked up at the Headmaster with glistening eyes.

"But," Sirius tried again, his voice cracking. "That's…he's only punishing himself that way, not me."

Dumbledore looked at him, his eyebrows perking up above his glasses as he tilted his head in curiosity. He studied Sirius, as if for the first time and Sirius swore he saw the old man's mouth twitch up into a small smile before it came back down into a fine line again.

"I," Sirius tried, but he knew if he talked any more he wouldn't be able to hold back his tears. Something about crying in front of the Headmaster was remarkably unappealing. He closed his mouth and looked back at Dumbledore solemnly, not sure of what to say. A chilling silence moved between the two of them, Dumbledore still studying him and Sirius trying to keep his tears back. After a moment, Sirius finally took a step away in order to leave, knowing he wouldn't get any more information or help out of the old man.

"Mr. Black," Dumbledore called out softly. Sirius stopped and turned around to face him, the cloak hanging loosely from his hands. "Perhaps if you want your friend back so badly, you might consider doing something to level out the pain you've caused him."

"Yes sir," Sirius agreed sadly, forcing himself to meet the wizard's eyes. "but what can possibly compare with what I've done?"

Dumbledore only stared back at him, giving no answer and Sirius, feeling as though the entire world was crushing down around him, turned to descend the stairs and make his way back into the dormitories.

When Sirius finally made it back to his room, he shut the door and threw the cloak off of himself, not caring where it landed. He looked at Remus' empty bed straight in front of him, his arms slumped at his sides. He stared at it, thinking of what Dumbledore had told him, that the bed may never again be filled with the tawny haired boy again. The tears already started to roll down Sirius' face as he began making his way slowly towards it. He sat himself roughly down on the duvet, quickly pulling the curtains closed and casting a silencing charm on them before letting out retched cry.

He didn't care if he deserved to cry or not, if he was acting childish by letting his tears flow freely instead of bottling them up inside like a boy his age was suppose to. He didn't care what anyone thought any more; if they thought he was gay, straight, stark crazy, or obsessed with his best friend. He couldn't care less because nothing was worth loosing Remus, nothing. He'd given up enough in the name of normalcy.

He'd never been normal and thinking back, he'd no idea why he ever tried to be. He wouldn't deny or care about the fact that he'd fallen in love with his best friend any more, because now, he suddenly realized that's exactly what had happened. He hadn't told Snape because he wanted to kill or punish him. He told because he'd been jealous and angry, angry that his love was so clearly unrequited. But he promised, begged the curtains in front of him as he cried, that if Remus returned, he wouldn't care about that either.

Sirius inhaled sharply, choking on his sobs momentarily before turning his head into the pillows. The linens still held a faint trace of Remus' scent in them; chocolate, Sirius thought and the idea only made him let out a groan of remorse.

I love him, Sirius thought, making his tears stream even faster. And he hates me now.

Remus had been kind, comforting, and a wonderful friend, so much so that Sirius had fallen for him. And as a means of repercussion for Remus' generosity, Sirius had decided to ruin the other boy's life.

It was nonsensical.

It was unforgivable.

Sirius clutched his body tightly, wrapping it up in a fetal position, and tried to subdue the overwhelming shame he felt. He continued wiping feverishly at his eyes as all thoughts traced back to Remus; his smile, his laugh, his eyes. All the things Sirius might not ever see again. Without wanting to, Sirius eventually found his eyes closing, the word 'love' repeating itself over and over again in his head as his sobs turned into light breathing.

XxxxX

Despite James and Peter still talking with him, Sirius was painfully aware of the unspoken contempt they held against him. He had single handedly split up the Marauders. He understood their unforgiving glances, since he wasn't sure he'd ever forgive himself either. He'd never heard James scream at him so viciously as the moment that he found out who Sirius told. Even after, before entering Dumbledore's office, James' wrath was something obscene. His words had been hurtful, demeaning, and Sirius could only shrink away from them, having no excuse for something he finally realized was the worse mistake of his life. It had only been after, when they'd seen Remus in the Infirmary, that James calmed down and began taking some sort of pity on him. He must have concluded that Remus' punishment had been quite enough. Yet even though James obviously strained himself by being civil towards him, Sirius knew he had broken something between them; all of them and he wasn't sure if he could fix it or not. Looking over at Remus' empty seat at the dining table, Sirius thought not.

He'd just told the other two Marauders as they sat down for breakfast, what Dumbledore had informed him of last night. James and Peter stared back at him in disbelief, the words "this is all your fault" at the tips of both of their tongues. Sirius fumbled with his food in order to avoid their expressions and he heard James take a large swig of his juice before letting out a loud sigh of frustration.

"Well," James said, clearing his throat. "What are we going to do about it then?"

Sirius and Peter perked their heads up, looking back at him.

"What can we do?" Peter asked bitterly, stabbing his fork into his eggs. "Remus doesn't want anything to do with us anymore." His eyes flitted to Sirius angrily before shoving the food into his mouth.

"Just because he doesn't want to be our friends doesn't mean he has to quit Hogwarts." James retaliated, looking annoyed at Peter's dismal outlook. "We all know that Hogwarts is his best chance at ever getting a job in the future, if he gives this up, he gives up everything."

Sirius tore off a piece of his toast, slowly bringing it into his mouth. The bread, normally full of rich flavor, tasted bland against his tongue. He forced himself to swallow it nonetheless.

"James, Remus isn't going to come back, no matter what we do." Sirius said sadly. "You know how closed off he is normally, this has only made him more so."

"Well I wonder why that is." James snapped back, slamming his cup against the table. Sirius winced, trying not to take offence and ripped off another piece of toast, shoving it into his mouth.

James sighed, throwing a hand into his hair and tried to calm himself.

"The point is we can't give up," He replied after a moment. "Remus is worth more than us just sitting by idly while he ruins what little chance he has left at a normal life."

Sirius gulped his bread down as Peter and him exchanged skeptical glances. Remus was probably the most secluded person they'd ever met and it had taken years to build up the trust Sirius had thrown away in one night. The possibility of rebuilding that relationship with the boy seemed futile. Even if it was for his own good, Sirius doubted that Remus would ever listen to their advice again.

"Potter's right." A small voice said.

All three boys turned to see Lily Evans staring glumly at her own plate, only a few seats down. She slowly dropped her fork and turned to look at them.

"Remus deserves more." She said quietly, looking between the three of them.

Sirius knew it was probably taking all of her willpower to acknowledge them. If James and Peter were mad, Lily had to be positively furious at him, probably straining herself to not kill him on the spot. He grimaced thinking back to the conversation Remus and her had secretly shared in common room. Glancing at the woeful look in her eyes, Sirius knew that she must have reciprocated Remus' feelings.

Who wouldn't?

"He hasn't answered any of my letters." Lily continued teary eyed. She sniffed lightly, trying not to allow herself to cry. Sirius watched as James removed a napkin from the table and reached over to hand it to her. She paused, looking at him with surprise before gripping it and bringing it up to her nose.

"Thank you." She said in barely a whisper.

After bringing the tissue down, she cautiously scooted closer to them.

"We'll have a better chance at convincing him if we work together." She said as an explanation for joining them. "Potter, did you have something in mind?"

James looked over at her seriously, his mouth forming into a thin line as if in thought.

"Honestly, I've no idea." He replied after a moment. Lily nodded her head in bleak understanding. She turned to eye Sirius and Peter, silently implying the same question.

Sirius shrugged in response.

"If he's not talking to you," He said, "He's certainly not going to talk to me."

"What if we sent a Howler?" Peter chimed in. "He's probably not even opening your letters Lily, shutting himself off from everyone and whatnot. He's good at that you know."

"But what would we even say?" James asked, looking intrigued.

"The truth." Lily answered him bluntly, sincerely considering Peter's suggestion. "We'll tell him he's making a mistake and needs to come back." She turned to look at Sirius who was still eyeing his food. "You can tell him how sorry you are." She added, a small edge to her voice.

"He doesn't want to hear an apology from me, Evans." Sirius replied, nervous as to not make the girl next to him angry. "He hates me." Sirius stated truthfully.

"Maybe so, but you still have to do it." The red head implored. "Our words won't be enough."

There was a moment of silence as the four of them contemplated their idea, each staring off in separate directions, deep in thought.

"Remus has already missed three OWL exams." Lily voiced whimsically, almost to herself.

James and Peter both looked over at Sirius with stern expressions.

"Who knows the charm for a Howler?" Sirius asked.

XxxxX

Remus was sitting on his bed, staring out his window. He'd been doing quite a lot of that lately; staring and thinking. He tried hard to think about nothing in particular, carefully keeping his thoughts away from a certain group of friends still far away in a school he didn't want to remember. But as much as he urged himself to divert his thoughts from the events that had taken place a week before, Remus found his mind hopelessly caught up in them anyway.

Sirius Black was like a plague; haunting him and making Remus hate himself for thinking about the black haired boy so much. So much bothered him about what happen that Remus couldn't even begin to separate the different levels of betrayal and hurt Black had caused. Yet all of them seemed to merge into one ultimate question that gnawed at him the most.

Why?

No answer was ever satisfying enough, even though Remus ran through scenes in his head over and over again, trying to piece together why Sirius would ever do such a thing. There was a part of him that still wanted to deny it, find some sort of reasonable explanation. But a much stronger and prominent side of him was searching for all the signs Remus had missed along the way; all the times Sirius had displayed behavior that was as vicious as Remus now learned he truly was. Lily had recognized it for years and Remus had never listened to her. It made him mad with anger, thinking of that. He was so sore with himself for having put so much trust into one person, having naively thought that his secret could be safe to share. All he wanted to do now was to forget; forget any of it had ever happened. All five years, Remus wanted erased from his mind and he wondered several times if he could perform the Obliviate spell on himself. A rare smile crossed his face as he thought of all the memories he would erase.

The first time he'd met Sirius – gone.

The first time he'd confronted Sirius in the Great Hall – gone.

Every single time Sirius had visited him in the hospital wing, along with the times he hadn't- gone, gone gone.

Remus grinned bitterly.

The time Remus had hugged him after learning about the Animagus.

The time Sirius had stuck up for him against Snape.

The time when Sirius had fallen asleep on Remus' shoulder and Remus, not wanting to wake him up, had decided to sleep in the common room also, resting his head against the black haired boy's and having one of the best sleeps of his life.

Realizing he was now smiling for a completely different reason, Remus quickly stood up and tried to physically shake himself of all thoughts Sirius Black. Just as he did so, he noticed an owl headed straight for his window with a letter clutched tightly in it's claws.

Lily, Remus thought instantly.

The girl had been sending at least one letter a day, yet Remus couldn't bring himself to reply, or even open them. He'd take the letter each time and thrown it quickly away, not willing to let Lily's words convince him of returning. He had made up his mind and he was determined to stick to it. He knew it was cruel to cut her off so suddenly, but she was linked to a place he wanted to forget and he couldn't afford his only chance of escaping it by contacting her.

The owl gracefully swooped into his room, dropping the letter onto his nightstand before eyeing Remus coolly. It cocked it's head, as if asking Remus if he wanted to reply this time. When Remus only stared back, it perched itself back onto the window seal before taking flight again. Remus looked over at the letter solemnly, he sighed and began walking towards it in order to throw it away. Just as he was reaching for it, he stopped in surprise. The letter began moving on it's own, rattling loudly against his nightstand.

A howler, Remus recognized instantly. He couldn't help but smile to himself. Lily was a smart girl.

Knowing it'd be pointless to run, Remus quickly concluded that he'd have to listen to whatever Lily had wanted to say so badly. Perhaps he'd return her letter this time and explain himself.

The loud pop of the letter finally bursting apart had Remus jump back a step as Lily's voice rang through his room.

"Remus," she said, "Please don't be mad. You wouldn't answer any of my letters and I didn't know what to do. I miss you, Remus. We know you're not planning to come back and we had to try something."

Remus froze suddenly.

We?

"I know you're hurt, but running away from Hogwarts is a mistake and you know it. Besides, you can't leave me here alone. Who will be Head Boy with me now?" Remus heard a sniffle and a whimper before it continued.

"Please come back Remus." She said.

"See what you've done? You've made Lily cry." Came another voice that Remus recognized instantly. Remus plopped himself onto the bed in shock, realizing how much he suddenly missed James' friendly voice.

"Remus, I won't deny how wrong it was what happened, but I want you to know that I'm sorry, for everything."

"Me too!" came Peter's voice. Remus smiled, picturing the smaller boy jumping up and down behind James and trying to get his voice into the letter also.

"And Peter too," James added lightly. "We know you're angry and we know you probably never want to see us again, but honestly I don't want you to make a mistake by leaving Hogwarts. Dumbledore has somehow wrapped Snape around his finger about this and I'll make sure no one who already knows is kept quiet. You don't have to do this."

"We miss you." Remus heard Peter add.

"Yea, and we miss you." James repeated, sadness in his voice. "It's really not the same without you."

There was a silence and Remus figured the letter had ended. He sighed in relief. It hadn't been as bad as he thought.

"Moony," a voice suddenly said. Remus shot straight up out of the bed, his heart beating a million miles a minute. He looked over at the door, deciding if he could somehow outrun the letter.

"Don't run away." Sirius' voice boomed again. Remus began making a bee-line for the door, all rational disappearing. The letter quickly followed behind him, floating in the air.

"I was a prat." It said desperately as Remus reached for the door handle. "You were right about everything Remus; my brother, the girls, me."

He paused, fighting within himself to run away or stick his fingers in his ears in order to not hear that voice.

"I had changed." Sirius continued, "I changed into a horrible person, someone the Blacks at home would be proud of I'm sure."

Run, Remus' mind echoed, but he couldn't seem to move, his body rigid as if Sirius' voice had some untold hold on him.

"But you still have a chance Remus. You're the best wizard I've ever known, not to mention the best friend I'd ever had. I know I ruined this, but… it doesn't mean that you have to ruin your own life because of it. I know that you don't want to do it for us, but then do it for yourself. I promise you that I'll stay away. You won't ever have to talk to me again and I deserve that. But you? You don't deserve any of this and Hogwarts is where you belong despite what you might think. You need to come back…I-"

It paused.

"…We love you."

Remus heard the letter hit the floor with a thwack and he jumped slightly from the noise. He stared at his hand still placed onto the handle, his knuckles now turning white from the grip. It took a moment before he pried his hand free and shaking, turned to press his back against the door. With his weight against the wooden frame, Remus slowly slid his body down along the length of it until he felt the floor underneath him. He eyed the letter a few feet in front of him. It took only a minute more before he felt hot tears begin rolling down his face.


A/N:

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