Chapter 12
"Hearts of Controversy"
-
It wasn't twenty mintues, and I was there. But being there didn't make me feel anymore complete. It didn't fill some gap that was creating some emotional mess for me. Stepping off of the bus at the bus stop, walking the short distance until I saw the street sign, and easily finding the house - Did nothing to ease the fluttering in my stomach. Instead it just intensified until it was fluttering no longer. It was some combination of dead weight being dropped down my throat, some burning trying to rise from the pit of my stomach, and some crashing wave of dizzying realization.
' For Sale
Everett Realty Land Agents '
And the company's phone number followed after this.
The thing that got me, though was...This was my house.
The sign looked weathered, as if it had stood through a good few storms this month. Maybe even throughout November. Whatever the case was, I knew it hadn't just been put there a day ago. It had been there. There had been time enough to contact me, and let me know.
As shocking as it was - the fact my mother would put the house up for sale without even letting me know - I wasn't...surprised. It had never really been a home to me. A house, yes. But not a home. I hadn't actually lived there since I was 11. Hogwarts had been more of a home for me for almost 7 years. And even when I was home during the Holidays I spent the majority of my time at my Grandparent's home or at a friends house. My grandparents - the only set left living, my dad's parents - lived in Hastings, a small, seaside town. It was different from where we lived. The beach right there, and this world no one else has. We didn't live in the middle of the city, but we lived in the nice suburbs, in a nice house, with a nice car, and all that was missing for my whole childhood was the nice family.
My Dad had moved out when my parents divorced, and as far as I knew had a bachelor's pad in the city. Unless he had moved in with Rebecca, or something. And so my Mum got the house, and now it was for sale.
The rain hadn't lightened any, not that I was in any position to care now that my robes were so soaked with so much rain water that they were actually weighing me down some. My purse hung from my shoulder, and it was as if I had forgot about the small, gold key that was always there. But my hands did not. They unzipped my purse and in an instant I was walking up the gravel driveway, then climbing up the short set of wooden stairs, and finally putting the key in the lock. I turned it, and I heard a click, and then the door was open.
I twisted the knob, and stepped into my house. Nobody was home, of course. My Mum and Petunia were off in America with the rest of their family. It hadn't been until recently that they left, because a Christmas tablecloth was on the table and other Christmas decorations hung here and there. So, it's not like they had moved out, or anything. Nothing was out of place. Truthfully, nothing ever really changed around here. It was like taking a step back into time where the furniture never changed, and the fridge was always full, and the milk even sat in the same spot on the shelves in the fridge. There were always chocolate chipit cookies, and the kitchen always smelled nice, continuing to give off that vibe that a nice, unbroken family lived here. It was as if the plants did not even change. I felt 11 years old again, and very well could have been. Home for the Holidays, decorations hanging. It was almost perfect...Except there was no smell of pine, because there was no tree up, of course. And there was no family home.
I unfastened the robes I was wearing and let them fall to the floor. Straightening the thin, long-sleeved black shirt I was wearing beneath them, I began wandering through the house. And it was almost sad how nothing I saw made me smile, sad, angry...Anything. This was the home my Mum had made for herself, along with my sister. This was the home I had so nervously left behind, and years later became glad for it. And even though nothing was packed, and the pictures were still on the wall - It was so very empty.
Finding my wand in my purse, I dried my clothes, and robes, and decided I'd feel much more comfortable finishing my Christmas shopping up in a Muggle mall. Grab some coffee at a place in the mall, maybe some supper. Remind myself who I was, and where I came from, and not to get too ahead of myself.
So, that's what I did. Not thinking about the events of the past day, I just went about buying everything on my list. A recipe book for Mrs Potter, a new Christmas-themed teapot, and tealights. For Mr Potter it was a book on cars - for he had enough cars, I assumed he liked them - and a box of rather expensive cigars. I didn't know what to buy Lexi. Sure, she was a little girl, and would be forced to like anything I bought her. But she was also - next to Mrs Potter - the most brutally honest of the bunch, so I bought her a 'Barbie' and a fluffy white, blue-eyed kitten. A stuffed animal, of course. I was making a bad impression as it was, I don't think bringing a kitten home would go over big. Sirius didn't want to exchange presents, I reminded myself with a frown, and James was the only one left.
A bottle of cologne that I thought smelled the best, a handbook on Muggle football (soccer) just because I thought he might be interested, and a grey sweatshirt - sporting the logo of some British football team, that I planned on magically changing to the name of his favourite Qudditch team - to replace the one I took from him and had no intentions on giving back.
And shopping? Took my mind off things for a bit. Made me feel a bit better. Not to mention I was, in fact, spending money of my Mum's I found laying on the counter at home.
It was 6 o'clock that evening that I walked up the drive to my house again, with a styrofoam cup of hot chocolate in hand.
I looked like Hell, but that was something I couldn't obsess over at the moment. My hair had gone unbelievably curly from the rain - that had subsided just after i arrived at the mall , and my clothes still felt damp after walking home through the heavy, moist air.
When I walked into the house I dropped all of my bags onto the floor, and kicked my shoes off. I was just digging around in the freezer for some ice cream when headlights shone in the large window in the kitchen, and I squinted against them as they blinded me.
Ducking down I went over to the window and peeked out the curtains to see who had pulled up. The fact of the matter was, I had almost every light in the house on, and the television turned up quite loudly, so there was no pretending I wasn't home.
And as the driver and passenger's side doors opened, I realized that Petunia was not in America at all.
"What the hell are you doing here?" My sister was tall, and thin, with curly, dirty-blonde hair. She could've been pretty. She almost was. Had her nose not been turned upwards towards the end of it, and her neck not been so long. Neither of those things would matter, of course, if they didn't suit her perfectly. She turned her nose up at anyone she thought wasn't good enough, whether she knew them or not, and she was such a prying person that the length of her neck assisted her in spying on the neighbours.
"Nice to see you too, Petunia." I said dryly, as she almost ran to the front door, and flew it open, her over-weight boyfriend slowly coming behind.
She snapped her head around, saw the boyfriend -Vernon - put a foot on the bottom stair, and then looked back to me.
"Look. We're engaged." She told me quickly, extending her hand and showing off the diamond engagement ring.
I raised my eyebrows, and opened my mouth to ask questions, but the fiancé had arrived beside Petunia in the doorway.
"Vernon," Petunia said, in a pleasant voice, staring straight at me, and holding my gaze as long as humanly possible. "This is my sister, Lily."
"Ah, Lily," He held out a large hand, and nearly crushed my own when he shook it. "I've heard...hardly anything about you, but you seem to be a lovely person. Nice to finally meet you."
"Same to you. Nice to meet you. Finally." I strained a smile, and stepped back so they could enter the house.
Petunia briskly walked past me, and Vernon was still smiling as he stepped into the house. It obviously wasn't his first time here.
"Petunia, Jesus. What the hell are you on?" I asked, watching as she took her scarf from around her neck, and shakily removed her gloves, and craned her neck to apparently try to see every inch of the house.
"I just didn't expect you, was all." I shut the door, and then leaned against it, folding my arms across my chest, and pouting my lips as I watched my jumpy sister.
"Yeah, well, I didn't expect that 'for sale' sign on the lawn. Deal with it."
I gave her a narrow-eyed glance before going into the living room, and stuffing my robes into one of my shopping bags. It was easy to tell that Petunia's problem was my being a Witch. And unexpectedly home. Vernon didn't know, and...I wasn't surprised.
My sister hated the very thought of a world full of magic, and magical people, and magical creatues - right from the beginning. I don't know if that was because she hated me right from the beginning or she was just too narrow-minded. Whatever the case, I knew she probably didn't even want to tell Vernon I exsisted let alone the fact I lived in a world of talking furniture, magic wands, and the like.
"For God's sake, Lily. Put some clothes on." Petunia and Vernon had taken off their jackets and winter-wear and set them aside, making themselves comfortable, it seemed.
Petunia was coming down the stairs having changed, and threw me a black, zip-up sweater. "I have clothes on..." I looked down at the same jeans I had worn all day, and the black shirt I had changed into to go shopping.
She scrunched her nose up as she settled herself down on one of the couches next to Vernon - in the largest room of the house, the living room is the room we were in. It was quite open and had quite a bit of furniture around it's perimeter. Our house was so bland compared to James's. White walls with wall-paper boarder. White carpet. Every room, I almost swear, was a combination of beige, and white.
"Well, your shirt's too tight. You still dress like a teeanger."
"I am one! I'm eighteen. Maybe you'd have known that if you gave a shit. Thank Mum when she comes back around, too. For the birthday wishes." I folded my arms, plunked down in an armchair and stared at the television that was on the evening news.
"You can't go showing up a few days before Christmas and bitching about your problems. How can you have any? You've been gone from home almost your whole life, and you left us with all the problems."
Vernon was looking rather uncomfortable as the inevitable argument with my sister began to simmer. The explosion was the worst part of it. I almost lived for the rush you get when you're in the midst of an argument and saying everything you've been meaning to say your whole life. It's the most insane feeling in the world. That's what it is. A feeling of brief insanity as you are absolutely free of your torturing thoughts. The boiling of the argument was when everything got out into the air and you stood your tallest and stood your ground. Something rushed through your veins that felt so good you'd continue arguing for the rest of your life just to know you're capable of shouting that loudly and making sense while doing so. But whatever ran through your veins extracted just as quickly and you were left with some empty feeling that you'd wish upon nobody, not even the one you were arguing with.
But I was just getting started, and at the beginning you are so sure you can handle the explosion.
So sure.
"I have Holidays! I wouldn't've been gone 'almost my whole life' if there was some acceptance here! If I felt welcome in my own home! If-"
"Well you're not." Petunia spat in a tone of voice I hadn't heard her use since she was 8. Fed up, stubborn, on the brink of a rage black-out.
"Not welcome, Petunia? It's not your house. It's not even going to be Mum's house. Why's she selling? Why the fuck is she selling? Does she hate memories that much? Hate being happy?" Petunia had stood up and advanced on me, but I stayed sitting in the chair, defiantly pursing my lips and tossing the zip-up she had thrown at me over onto the couch, just missing Vernon.
"That woman isn't capable of being happy and you're exactly like her. You both think the world's out to get you."
"I'm not like her," I said in a lazy, deepened tone. "You wouldn't know if I was happy or not, that's for certain. I've been gone almost my whole life, apparently, and when I do come around this is what happens."
Petunia was standing so close to me that her toes could've been touching my own if I didn't curl them up. She swallowed hard, and I saw her lip curling with some sort of disgust she had been trying to contain her whole life - trying and not succeeding in.
"What the fuck do you want? Do you want money? Do you want to ruin the Holiday's for me? I finally got out of going to America with Mum, and was going to be happy, and you come along. What the fuck do you want, Lily?" I had never heard my sister curse before.
"I wanted a place to feel warm. I wanted to come home and get that warm, reminiscing feeling that you're supposed to get during Holidays. I'm at a friend's house. We had a fall out of sorts. Over his Mum, nonetheless. Hell, it seems I've got a hard time with Mum's."
Petunia rose her thin eyebrows and stared at me. "You're staying at a boy's house? You run off to that school full of," She cast Vernon a glance, who was staring at the television, with a cup of tea in hand, ignoring us to the best of his ability. "Freaks and you get to do whatever the hell you want. Mum would be so proud, Lily."
"Mmm, he is a boy," I drawled, folding my arms again as Petunia bent too close for comfort. "He turns 18 tomorrow."
"I don't even know you." She said in a choked whisper, and her eyes spilled over something that was a million lifetimes out of my grasp, but had we been 10 and 12 we could've, God...things could've been...She wasn't going to cry. Petunia didn't do that.
"Because you choose not to. God, Petunia. Just hurry up and start that life you've been wanting since you were 8. Just detach yourself from us as quickly as possible. Get the hell out of my face." I stood up, and pushed past her, clenching my fists together at my sides.
"You can't include yourself in that 'us'. You aren't part of the 'us'. Mum, Dad, and me are the 'us'. You've detached yourself. You've brought all of this ignorance to you on yourself. You didn't let them love you."
I went to my room, or the room that was my room, not long after that statement. Petunia informed me that Vernon and her were only staying the night in order to be there when the Land Agent came in the morning. Apparently to show the house, or I don't know.
That explosion? It happened. Not in the way I expected it to. I expected it to end with me throwing the triumphant look to Petunia. And proving her wrong. Proving how forgotten and unloved I was. And then there'd be a rush of blood to the head as I'd see the clenched jaw on my sister, and I'd walk by her with my head held high and wouldn't feel bad until much, much later.
But this explosion wasn't one I've had before. It was as if I was struck by something. Hit forcefully. I brought the ignorance to my life outside of my family on myself. Them not caring, them not having much contact, was brought on myself. Those words left her mouth easily so it wasn't something she just came up with. I shut my eyes, and it felt like I didn't open them again until I was in the dark bedroom, closing the door. I was so blind. To everything.
I stared around the dark bedroom and felt slightly dizzy as I threw myself down onto my bed that creaked as I did so.
Jesus, I thought, throwing my head into my hands, When did she become so mature...in her own...bitchy way.
With a shaky sigh I let my head find the pillow, and folded my arms over my stomach, laying flat on my back, my head tilted to the side in order to see out of the window.
I was...tired. Mentally. Physically. I never wanted to see five o'clock a.m. again.
At quarter to twelve I woke with a start, as I heard a distant...knocking. My eyes flew open as I tried to pinpoint the sound, but...couldn't...
I quietly climbed out of bed, and tiptoed down the stairs. I could hear the television on in Petunia's room, and no lights were on downstairs.
Reaching the bottom of the stairs, I saw a running car sitting in the driveway, the headlights dimmed. I couldn't tell what colour it was, but it looked fancy. I couldn't tell whether or not anyone was in it, either. But that's when my sister's voice could be heard.
"Lily, there's someone at the door. I was in bed watching television with Vernon, and they just won't go away, I don't..."
I crept into the kitchen, where I found Petunia pressed nearly flat against a wall.
Passing her, I went up on my tiptoes and tried to peer out the window. I could just barely make out a...figure...tall...I didn't know...
"Go wake Vernon." I muttered, reaching a hand slowly to the curtain and pulling it back some. I could see the front step to the left from this window, and whoever it was couldn't see me, as they were standing staight, staring at the...
"Stop! Petunia, never mind." I rushed to the light switches and turned the kitchen one and outside light on. Quickly unlocking the door I let him in before he drowned in the once-again pouring rain.
"Who is it?" Petunia hissed, coming back into the kitchen, drawing her robe more tightly around herself.
"James," I began, staring at the boy who was soaked from head to foot, and had I been able to see his eyes properly - his fringe was matted down because of the rain - I would've known then how angry he was. I ignored my sister again as she persisted to know who this tall, dark, and handsome was. "I'm so-"
"Don't you dare say sorry," He ran a hand back through his hair, as droplets of water ran down from his hair and into his eyes. "I've called you a bitch once before, Lily, and I have half a mind to do it again-"
"This is how these freaks treat you?" Petunia asked, shrilly, standing near the doorway of the kitchen as she realized the boy stood before me, dripping water all over the 'welcome' mat, was my age. And most likely from my school.
"Shut up, Petunia." I said quietly, as she began speaking again from behind me. I was watching James.
"The whole god damn world doesn't revolve around you, Lily." I swallowed and parted my lips to say something, unblinking as I watched this boy.
I had never seen him like this, and there was some shocking comfort I found in it. As selfish as it is, James Potter angry at me...was right. It was like I had been trying for that since the first day we began things. Truly angry at me. Eyes blazing with some kind of light, and him seeming even taller as he stood there, broad-shouldered, and hating me.
"I never said it did." I eventually said, with a dry, quiet voice.
"You'd think it did. The way you act. You think you can turn your back on people, and not deal with the shit you dish out. You left. You just up and left, and I looked for you all day. My Mum said you probably just wanted time to yourself, but even she was looking anxious when it was 8 o'clock and you still hadn't shown up. Did you want that attention, Lily? Because I can't figure out why else you left. You could've talked to me, or my Mum if it was bothering you that much. I can't even look at-"
"James, maybe you should calm down..." I interrupted him, as politely as that can be done, and all I earned was a wild-eyed glare from him.
"I'm scared that you don't get it," He muttered softly, looking as if his jaw was clenched a bit. "You thought my Mum was hostile towards you before? How do you expect her to be now? I invited you to spend the Holidays, I didn't plan on acting as babysitter-"
"Then maybe you shouldn't've come! For fuck's sake." I turned around, intentions to storm up the stairs, but Petunia was in the doorway of the kitchen, standing with her arms folded.
"I think you should leave, Lily. I don't want to have to call the police."
"Move." I said, murderously, pushing past her and grabbing the bags I had in the living room with fucking Christmas presents.
I came back into the kitchen a second later with my bags in hand, and looked from James to Petunia.
"Both of you, you especially Petunia, talk to me like I am five years old. And I am so sick of it. Just fucking stop it." I slipped my feet into my shoes, and went out the door, James following after a second.
"I never want to see him again, Lily! Not ever." Petunia shouted from the step, before slamming the door shut, and turning the lights off not long after.
"Where's your coat?" James asked, in a tone of voice that clearly stated he'd rather burn himself than talk to me at the momet, but it had cooled down a considerable amount, and the cold rain was sure to change to snow.
"I don't have one. I wore robes. They're muddy and buried at the bottom of one of these bags."
We got into the red car that James's father had picked us up in at the train station, and it was quite a different situation this time around. I had the passenger seat, and James was driving - for one. And there was no light-hearted, friendly hand-holding - for two.
Everything about it was dark. Everything about him was dark. Everything about the almost-midnight sky was dark. The rain fell but you couldn't even see the rain drops falling until they hit the windshield. You didn't know they were there. It was unnerving along with the silence in the car. I kept thinking things to myself. Hearing my own voice. It was screaming at me to press my ear against the window and sate my need to hear something other than my own torture. Hear the rain. I couldn't hear him breathe. It was like he, subconciously, knew that would make me feel better. His breathing, his voice...And anything that would make me feel anything but a guilty, useless, bitch...He would not supply. It was as if that arrogant and stubborn streak I knew he had but rarely seen - was very much there. Showing itself tonight. He was showing himself. This was a part of James I had to get to know if we were going to be able to...I don't know. Be friends. Be something.
A dull throb began somewhere behind my eyes, and intensified until my whole head felt as if it were going to split open from the pain. It hurt to move my eyes, it hurt to blink. I shut my eyes, leaning against the cool glass of the window.
I could open my eyes to narrow slits and just barely seen James. And that's how I stayed, sitting on a bit of an angle, watching that brooding James, as he sped down the water-slicked road.
"James," He slammed the brakes on, purposely, as a set of lights changed to red, and he didn't look at me as I spoke his name. "I need," As soon as the light changed to green he sped off, and all of this stopping and going, and jerking about wasn't helping my head.
"You need what?" James spat at me, rounding a turn.
"I don't know," I murmured, near tears. "Stop driving so fast. My head hurts. God, I think it was the silence that gave it to me. I need you to..."
"Say something? You need me to say something? Sweetheart," It didn't sound sweet, though. It sounded bitter and cold and it was a slap over the face. "That's not going to fucking happen, especially if you'd like your head to hurt less."
"Fine." I leaned back against the window, and listened to the hum of the car as the light from streetlamps washed over his face again and again, dizzying me slightly, seeing his face so set and angry.
It was unnerving almost scary, but in this breathtaking way.
-
"Locked you out, did he?" I vaguely recall hearing her voice, as my thoughts were so preoccupied with the car ride home.
It was a surreal, almost out-of-body experience, sitting there on the doorstep, feeling as if I could almost see the puddles of water cloud over with frost from the half-midnight air.
"I don't think he meant to." Was all I replied, not making an attempt to stand and go into the house. I was trying to remember the soft almost-surrender he gave me, as we turned down the street...
"There's just a lot going on out there right now," Was his starting sentence, completely out of the blue, as we had drove for a half hour without any further conversation. His hazel-green eyes wandered to his window for a moment, observing the emptying streets. "And I don't think you realize it. Not many people do. I don't want to, but there's no way around this shit," I had not heard him curse as much in the time I had known him then I had tonight. "And you just disappeared. God, you want me to be rational, Lily? You kill that part of me."
-
And that was the last words he spoke to me. I was in some sort of a daze. Half-asleep, half-holding onto his words. But I must've fell asleep a split second after he spoke to me, because the next thing I know I was waking up to a still-warm car, and an empty driver's seat. He didn't wake me before going in the house.
Somehow I stumbled from the car - the abrupt change from the charmed-warm car to the steadily dropping December temperature was enough to knock me down - and ended up on the doorstep. I knocked once, felt dizzy, and sat down. I didn't know what I was waiting for, but it wasn't for someone to let me in. I didn't really want in.
Melly pulled the door open after about 5 mintues of me sitting there, jacketless and all.
She didn't look surprised to see me, and quickly - in an amused tone - asked if he had locked me out.
"I was just on my way home. Saw you sitting out here...Glad he found you."
The brunette was in the midst of wrapping her scarf around her neck, and putting her hands into her pockets.
"I wasn't far." Was all I murmured, clasping my hands together to wane of the cold.
"Well, goodnight," She went down the few stone steps, and then looked back up to me, sitting there. "He's still up, by the way. Lexi fell asleep before I could put her to bed, and I guess he's in the process of that now. See you, Lily."
"'Night." And I watched her hurry across the street, right up the pathway to her house.
I sighed, and leaned back until I was resting on my elbows, staring up at the sky. Honestly, I could have just stayed sitting here. I didn't believe that it was raining only a couple of hours ago. The clouds had cleared, and the night turned bright, due to the moon. The city's lights were a ways off, but you could see them giving a faint glow to the sky. That faint glow almost overpowered the stars, but a few were left brightly twinkling, just to provide for this time of year. For this night so close to the Holy one. The stars didn't sleep this time of year, for everyone else slept less, too. So there they stayed, offering a diamond-like twinkle for weary on-lookers to take some kind of comfort of it. Weary on-lookers like myself.
Sighing, again, I stood up, and brushed myself off, willing the numbness in my fingertips to leave. I hadn't realized how cold it was until I had pushed the door half-way open, and then caught my breath floating up into the air. I tilted my head, and blew another breath out through my mouth, and watched it become a white, vapour and float off towards those blinding city lights and far-off stars.
Eventually, however, the tempting warmth of the house overwhelmed me, and I stepped in, closing the door, locking it, and leaning against it.
My ears seemed to buzz for a moment as I adjusted from the sounds of the suburbian night to the warm Potter household. The quiet sound of their too-large television making it's way from the living room to the hallway, the welcoming light from lamps pouring in from the living room, the scent of fresh-baked good's wafting from just beyond that swinging kitchen door, and the deep voice of a brother along with the giggling of his little sister.
I stepped into the living room to see Lexi snuggled down into the couch cushions with a knitted blanket wrapped around her, and James sitting on the edge of the couch, a hand resting on the back of it, as he leaned over her to tickle her with one hand. He seemed to be trying to make sleep look appealing to a five year old girl much too excited for the 4-day-off Christmas.
"Lily! If I go to sleep will Santa Claus come a day early?" Lexi sat straight up out of James's grip, offered a roll of her eyes, and looked at me expectantly.
"Hate to say it, but no." I smiled at her, as she glared at James dramatically, with her arms folded.
"You're such a...poopyhead."
"Pardon me?" James raised his eyebrows at the girl, and she scrunched her button-nose up, trying to suppress giggles.
"Listen, all I try to do is be here for the Holidays, and be a nice big brother, and you're such a little-"
"James. Honestly, she's five, and was just joking. Urgh." I put my fingertips to my forehead, as James turned around to look at me, obviously not expecting my two cent's worth.
"What's wrong, Lily?" Lexi asked, sounding genuinely concerned, as James scoffed.
"Nothing, my head just hurts."
"Whhyy?" She persisted, tilting her head and watching me closely.
"Well, you and your brother fight sometimes, right?"
She nodded, her head of blonde curls bouncing.
"Well, I have a sister. And I went to see her today. We fight, too. And we fought so much today that my head started hurting."
"Did she hit you?"
I smiled, and shook my head. "No, we just yelled too much. Sometimes it's good to fight. You just love each other more."
"O-oh. Are you and James in a fight, too?"
I pressed my lips together, making a smacking sound as I thought, and then shook my head again. "Well-
"Yes, we are, Lexi. Now go to bed." James interrupted smoothly.
"Oh! Good, then. You'll finish your fight and then love each other more. Ohkay, James I'll go to bed now. Come say goodnight." She bounded off the couch, dropping the blanket from around her, and raced up the stairs.
My jaw quivered slightly as James looked me over, and sighed heavily at me. I felt like I had bloody frost hanging from the ends of my hair, but I was just being dramatic. Even so, this shirt was nothing sort of warm. Petunia was right, it was a bit too thin.
"Here." James picked the blanket up that Lexi had wrapped around her, and draped it over my shoulders as he walked by me. "Come tuck her in with me."
Given the position the two of us were in, and the fact he was actually offering me words...I couldn't do anything but go with him. I was lucky he was offering that. James had seemed...positively livid, earlier.
James had gone into the bathroom when we got to the top of the stairs, and took to shutting the light off, and picking a fallen towel up off the floor, so I just made my way into Lexi's bedroom.
"'Night Lexi." I said through a yawn, causing her to yawn, too.
She grinned at me, and turned on her side to face me. I sat down onto the floor, and leaned on the side of the bed, stroking her curls off her forehead. I don't know. It's just something I remembered from when I was a girl. Stroking my hair could put me to sleep in an instant. Probably still could. And at the moment I wouldn't much mind a messy-haired boy trying that out. No, be mad at the messy-haired boy, Lily. That messy-haired boy looks down on you.
I found my eyes shut for a moment as Lexi's did, too. But she wasn't asleep, as her voice - a lot quieter - brought me back.
"Lily?"
"Mmm Hmm." I murmured, brushing my fingertips over her sweetly-warm forehead.
"Do you love my brother?" I laughed softly, and shut my eyes again. I couldn't do this now. I couldn't think of caring about him at all, because he was so...I don't know.
"Do you want me to?" I murmured at her through another chuckle.
I pulled my eyes open to see her nod and my laughing stopped. "He's my best friend, Lexi. I'm sure I could. Friends love friends, and your brother can be a good friend."
"You wanna know a secret?" The little girl yawned again, and pulled the comforters up to her chin.
"Sure."
"I thinnkk...he loves yoou." I smiled at her, and kissed my palm, then pressing it against her cheek.
"You're sweet, darling."
I watched her drift off, and wondered what had been taking James so long. It was just a light switch, and a towel. He...
My eyes widened as I listened for a moment, and I swore that I could hear him breathe. Unlike earlier. I looked over my shoulder, and there he was. Leaning against the frame of the doorway, with his arms folded over his chest, and a pensive look on his face.
"Imaginative kid, isn't she?" James said quietly, before crossing the room, donning a kiss onto her forehead, and then standing above me with his arms folded again.
"I don't think you have to be imaginative to come up with that. Do you think, maybe, some other people in this house are getting...imaginative when it comes to us?" I spoke to him as we left the room, him shutting the door halfway.
I shifted the blanket around my shoulders as we made our way back down the stairs, and into the kitchen, which was less-bright, and intimidating this time of night, than it had been earlier that day. It was dark, save for the small amount of light coming from a light above the kitchen sink.
James had a mug sitting on the counter already, and he boiled the water in the kettle in an instant with a tap of his wand.
"Want some?" He asked, gesturing to the mug that had hot-chocolate powder in it.
"Yes please." I said with a smile. What girl could resist hot chocolate at almost 1 in the morning, with a boy whom she swore she was going to hate? Not I, that's for sure.
He handed me my mug of cocoa, and he held onto it a moment longer when I went to take it from him.
I pursed my lips, one hand clasping the ends of the blanket together so that it wouldn't fall from my shoulders, and the other pressed against the side of the mug, revelling in it's warmth. I tilted my head, and raised my eyebrows at him, waiting for him to say or do something, rather than stare at me with that hazel, unblinking gaze.
"I don't love you, Lily." His voice a rugged murmur, and his full of some swirling mist that I wasn't about to try to see through.
I don't love you, Lily. The simplest thing in the world. And my house was for sale. God, right about now you could put a price tag on my sick, sick heart and sell it, too. It was no use to me.
-
"Ohkay, but answer my question. Are your parents...getting the wrong impression?" James let go of the mug, and brushed by me, heading to the living room, and I quickly followed.
"I told my Mum a hundred times over that you I were just friends, ohkay? In the letters to come after she said I should invite you. I reminded her everytime that we were just friends. I don't know what it has to do with any-"
"If your Mum thinks that you and me are more-than-friends then she is going to be hostile towards me, because she doesn't want me moving in on Melly-territory!"
"This is about Melly?" James asked, his voice dangerously quiet, stopping short in his progress to the living room and turning to face me. "You took off today because of Melly?"
"No, this isn't about Melly. This about you and me, James," I made a sound of frustration as I walked by him, into the living room, that was glowing orange from an absolutely gorgeous hearth, with a crackling fire.
"And I don't love you, either."
I settled down onto the couch, shivering for whatever reason and glad for the blanket's warmth at the moment.
There were a hundred moments in which I truly appreciated James, half as many moments when I would like to slap him, and one single moment when I looked at him and saw so much more than I meant to. A boy that was really a man, and friend that was more than a friend, and just so many emotions lay within a simple expression from him that it could confuse any girl.
He sat down next to me when I rose the mug of cocoa to my lips and took a long sip, realizing just how very much I loved hot chocolate. How it just seemed to course through your veins, finding the coldest place within you, staring from there - and then warming you up instantly.
"This is good." I said quietly, watching the flames dance. It was such an odd contrast, this room. This large, muggle television, casting a blue glare over our faces. And then the old fireplace, flames leaping and painting a picture of years gone past.
"It is." James agreed slowly, taking a seat next to me, and plopping his feet up on the coffee table.
And that's how we stayed for at least five minutes, until I had this overwhelming urge to ruin it. Well, just...break it. Not let things remain like they were, because he had been so cold earlier, and I...
I set my mug onto the coffee table, and turned to face James, who was to the right of me. I crossed my legs, and pressed my fingertips together, and before long I could feel his gaze on me.
"You want to talk about it, don't you?" I offered a nod as he asked this, and didn't look up from my hands.
"I was worried," He muttered, and it sounded muffled in an echoing sort of way as he took a sip from his mug. "I don't know. I don't have much of an excuse for the number of times I said fuck, and I don't have much of an excuse for talking to you like you're five. All I can say is I'm sorry."
"But do you mean it? Do you mean you're sorry? Or do you not regret it, because you feel it was necessary for that to happen to the two of us? A fight..."
James massaged his temple with one of his hands, and sighed. "I haven't yelled that much in years, and dammit it felt good to let you know how I was really feeling, I guess. But I was a bit out of place. You just...scared the hell out of me...disappearing like you did...there's so much..." James trailed off as I cleared my throat, and tilted my head to the side, taking a good, long look at him.
"I promise you I'm stronger than you think I am," I whispered, my nose stinging with a rush of emotion as I tried not to blink. "I'm not five. I don't want this friendship if it's going to be your babysitting me." James sighed, leaning his head back against the back of the couch.
"Sometimes when I look at you it's like I have been - looking at you - for my whole life, and I don't want you to not want this friendship. I swear it, Lily, like I said earlier - I'm a completely irrational person when I'm around you."
I sighed. "I just wanted your Mum to like me, and she...she didn't. And you said she would, and...I don't know why I went there-"
"Why did you? You constantly are saying how awful your sister's been to you, how your Mum is so-"
"It was fate, I think. Or something like that. If I hadn't...left Diagon Alley...if I your Mum had liked me...I wouldn't've ended up at home, and I wouldn't've seen the 'for sale' sign on the lawn. I wouldn't've realized just how very...gone I am to them. I wouldn't've seen that side of you."
I saw him swallow hard, his adam's apple protruding. "I wasn't the nicest, was I? I dunno, I just lost it-"
"Stop trying to justify it. Just leave it. It's a part of you, and you were worried, and if that's how you get when you're worried - then I'm flattered. You were so different..." I trailed off quietly, and he nodded, draining his mug, and setting it on the coffee table.
"All right, I'm off to bed. Goodnight." I nodded, and turned to the television.
"I love this show." Was all I said, as he rounded the corner and I saw him start up the stairs.
It wasn't a minute and he back into the living room, with a hand at the nape of his neck, rubbing it in a nervous-habit sort of way.
"That was rude. I won't go to bed. S'long as you're going to be up." I had laid down on the couch and spread my feet out on it, so that when he went to sit back down, he had to lift my feet, sit down, and then position my feet in his lap.
"Warm enough?" He asked, needlessly, tracing his fingertips over my socked feet. I giggled slightly, and nodded my head.
"Yes, thanks."
"Mmm Hmm." James muttered, and his fingertips were at the bottom of my pajama pants, before wandering up underneath.
Expecting this to be ticklish, I stiffened. But it was...the complete opposite. It was soothing. He kind of massaged the skin, and I sent him a warm smile when he looked up at me.
"You've got lovely legs, you know." I laughed as he grinned cheekily, and took his hand out from my pantleg.
"Thanks for that." I said sarcastically, smiling, and sat up, leaning over close to him.
"Hey, James?" I whispered after a minute.
"Yeah Lil?" He was watching the television, and I grinned further, seeing the clock that read close to 1 in the morning.
"Happy Birthday.
There was something about how quickly he changed that...threw me off. Made me confused, and made my head spin. He was mean earlier, but I guess in a necessary way. There was something admirable about the way he spoke to me, cursing his head off. Just something about him then that oozed superiority, and a broad span of chest, and shoulders. And then he'd come back down to meet Earth, and apologize for his words. It was a comfort to know that not all people were stubborn and hostile when it came to that one word, 'sorry'.
He was no less of a mystery as the days progressed and I found myself wrapped deeper in who he was. No less of a mystery, in any way.
Perhaps in one way, and one way only. How he saw me, you know. He cared about me. That was there, staring me directly in the face - hazel meeting my green, it was there - but I? Was so blind to it.
And his birthday was now, or tomorrow, or in a few hours, and I was determined to set the rest of this Holiday right. I was determined to push tonight out of my mind, because...it hurt, in an unthawing sort of way. Bringing me out into the light. Showing me things I've been trying to pretend didn't exsist for years.
"Lily, you are the only person I know who is intelligent enough to admit her flaws and faults, but stupid enough to push them away and ignore the fact she has any."
James Potter had a way.
abc.
