Geez...I was hoping to get this up before November to avoid the terribly long wait that NaNoWriMo was sure to cause, but then it just didn't happen...someone give me a slap on the wrist. Anyway, here we are at chapter 12. I hope I haven't lost you all to the wait. Again, thanks for being understanding. You guys are awesome like that. ^^
Disclaimer: I don't own House or any of its characters. The title of this story comes from the novel of the same name by E.B. White.
Impact
House glanced over at Cuddy's sleeping form as the plane climbed through the clouds. Her head was cocked to one side, facing toward the window, away from him. He sighed and rested his head back against the seat rest; he was tired, his leg ached and his ears were popping. The cogs of his mind turned stubbornly when he wanted nothing more than to sleep this late flight away, letting both it and the trip that it proceeded fade into a memory that he could easily forget.
Cuddy shifted in her sleep, her head lolling on her shoulders until she was pressing up against him. He reached out, slinging an arm around her sleeping form and pulling her toward him so her head was resting on his shoulder. The corner of his mouth twitched slightly.
He had almost forgotten what it felt like to love somebody. The emotions he felt for her were so powerful it nearly frightened him, and they had come on so fast that it was almost as if they'd sprung up over night. But they hadn't simply appeared out of nowhere, he reasoned. Now that he looked back, they'd been bubbling just beneath the surface for some time now, just waiting for the catalyst that would set them free. How long they'd lain dormant inside was a mystery to him. He couldn't remember a time when he hadn't felt that slight spark when they touched, or that almost magnetic force that drew them together. He'd never thought anything of it until now, though; it had been nothing but a crush at best.
Much more than a crush now, he thought to himself. He swallowed. His leg throbbed. He needed a pill, but his arm was still around her shoulder, and the bottle in his pocket was covered by Cuddy's soundly sleeping body. It was unlikely he'd be able to reach them without waking her. He sighed.
Nagging thoughts inevitably began to creep up into his awareness again: memories and emotions that were still far too raw and recent and that he would have much preferred to keep buried for as long as he could. Still, there they were, making themselves known again as he regarded Cuddy's peaceful face. He'd seen it contorted in anger and frustration so much that to see it finally at peace again was a relief. He swore he even saw her smile in her sleep, if only barely.
What would he have done if that test had been positive?
He tried to push those thoughts away. After all, there was no use in dwelling on them now when there was no point. The test had been negative. Why occupy his mind with all the possible outcomes when they were already put to rest? Still, the question persisted.
She would have kept it. That was for sure. Her desire for a baby had not been extinguished. Worry coiled in his abdomen at the thought; it was probably something they'd have to deal with further along in their relationship.
So she would have kept it. But knowing her, and knowing how well she knew him, it was unlikely that she ever would have asked anything from him. She didn't expect a marriage proposal. She probably wouldn't have even asked him to stay if he hadn't wanted to. He would have been free to leave her to raise the child on her own if he'd felt so inclined.
Would he have felt that way?
He felt slightly nauseous as the thought, and he told himself that it was airsickness.
Was he so against the idea of…a child? His child? Their child. Certainly it wasn't something he wanted to pursue now, but…what about a year from now? Two years? Five? She wanted it, certainly, but she would never force him. Still, he couldn't stand the thought of being the only thing getting in the way of her finding happiness and fulfillment.
He shook his head. This wasn't something he needed to be pondering 30,000 feet above the earth. It could wait. But for how long?
Cuddy's stirrings into wakefulness brought his attention away from his own thoughts, and he did his best to look natural. Still, she picked up on his uneasiness with astonishing speed.
"You alright?" she asked. He nodded.
"Just tired…" he said. "And my leg…" Her eyebrows knitted together in worry.
"Where are your pills?" she asked. He glanced down at his pocket before remembering that they were there, ready for the taking, and he reached down and took out the prescription bottle, tapping two pills into his palm and swallowing them with a sip of ice water.
"Just your leg?" she pressed further, knowing so well that something else was bothering him. But it wasn't something he much felt like delving into now.
"Yeah," he said curtly. She looked at him a moment, as if trying to psychically discover what was bothering him, but in the end, she merely nodded.
"Okay…" She shifted in her seat, leaning her head back against the headrest again and closing her eyes. She paused a moment, and then moved over, once more resting against his shoulder. "You mind?" she asked.
"No." She smiled, for real this time.
"Thanks," she said genuinely. "You're honestly more comfortable than those headrests…keep me from getting a crick in my neck." He nodded almost imperceptibly, and a long silence passed between them.
"House?"
"Hmm?"
"I'm glad…we're okay." He worked his jaw back and forth. Don't over-think, he told himself. Nothing was more dangerous. Don't over-think. Don't ever, ever over-think.
It was hard to stop himself sometimes. Maybe even impossible.
"Me too," he said.
As they stepped out of the airport, Cuddy wrapped her arms around herself and shivered. "When did it get cold?" she asked as she gathered her things.
"Weather tends to do that after a while," replied House. "I've tried complaining, but for some reason it doesn't seem to do much."
"I'm just glad to be home," Cuddy said as they made their way to the parking deck. "That conference was a nightmare. Sometimes I think Rierson does these things just to spite me."
"Maybe we could go back to your place…I could help you relax," he teased, nudging her. She couldn't help but smile, but the expression faded rather quickly, turning into a more apologetic one.
"I can't…" she sighed. Before House was able to protest, she added, "I need to get some real decent rest before I go back to work tomorrow. Before both of us go back." He pouted, and she cupped his cheek in her hand. "You know I want to."
"Actions speak louder than words, lady," he said. She let out a tired chuckle, turning from him to open the door to her car.
"I'll drop you off at your apartment on the way," she offered. "How does that sound?"
"Boring…"
He didn't sleep that night, despite being exhausted from the weekend and everything that had happened during their trip. His leg was still angry at him from the long plane ride, and his mind raced.
Why couldn't he let these thoughts go?
Nothing had happened, and nothing ever would happen if he had his way. If Cuddy ever did find herself in possession of a positive pregnancy test, it wouldn't be thanks to him. He'd decided that a long time ago, not just for Cuddy, but for himself and everyone else. Some people in the world just weren't meant to procreate, and he was one of them. He'd accepted that, embraced it even.
So why couldn't he sleep?
He sat up in bed, massaging his leg and coming to a realization: he needed to talk. So he reached for his cell phone.
"What?" Wilson was audibly irritated when he picked up, but, House noticed, he still did pick up, despite the late hour. It was good to have enabling friends sometimes. "What do you want, House?"
"Is your refrigerator running?" House quipped. He could practically hear Wilson rolling his eyes.
"I don't have time for this," he sighed. "Unlike you, I actually need to be at work on time tomorrow, and you know I can't function without enough sleep." He paused, thinking over the situation a moment. "Why are you still awake, anyway? Didn't you just get back from that conference today? Shouldn't you be exhausted?"
"I am," House conceded. "Just can't sleep."
"And you're hell-bent to make sure that I won't either, aren't you?"
"Just need to talk…get my mind off of some things."
"Join a chat room," Wilson said, thought House could hear in his voice that he was inevitably going to give into House's whims. Again. "Can't it wait?"
"If I wait I won't sleep at all. And then I'll be grumpy, and nobody wants that, do they?" Wilson chuckled in spite of himself.
"I guess not…"
"See?" House pointed out. "This isn't all that bad, is it?"
"What do you want, House?" Wilson repeated. House paused. True, as satisfying as it always was to toy with his best friend, he had called for a specific reason, and if he was honest with himself, he needed sleep too.
"Cuddy…" he started.
"God it's too early for me to play couples counselor…" he heard Wilson sigh. Guess it was best to just get to the point.
"She thought she was pregnant."
Silence on the other line.
"She was…what?" Wilson breathed.
"She wasn't anything," House clarified. "She thought she was pregnant."
"But…she wasn't?"
"No."
"So what's the problem?" House huffed in annoyance and ran his hand through his hair.
"It just got me thinking…she still wants a kid, Wilson. You know that. And I can't be the one to give that to her."
"Don't you think it's a little early to be thinking about that?"
"I've already thought about it. I've thought about it for years. And every time I come up with the same set of problems, the same list of reasons why I should never, ever have kids. If anything, it just keeps getting longer."
"House, I doubt Cuddy would leave you just because you don't want to be her baby daddy."
"You don't know that…she wants it bad."
"Have you…talked about it?" Wilson brought up the subject gingerly, as if lacking the proper amount of care would cause the earth to implode.
"Some…not really…I don't know…" Wilson scoffed.
"Well if you can't remember, I'm guessing you either didn't have a conversation about it or you were drunk, in which case I'd think the point would be moot anyway."
"We've had conversations about it," House snapped. "Just not…we haven't talked about…the future or anything. Just what happened."
"I wouldn't worry about this now, House," Wilson said. "You've only been dating for what? A few weeks? At most? Why talk about something now that would be way down the road, if it even happened at all?"
"Because it might not be so far down the road. Not for her, anyway. She knows she doesn't have much time left if she wants a kid…and if I'm not going to do that for her-"
"And you won't, apparently," Wilson interjected.
"No," House agreed. "I wouldn't…and the minute she figures that out she's going to-"
"Stop," Wilson commanded. Surprising even himself, House did. "I'm not going to let you sabotage yourself. This is good for you, House. She's good for you. Don't mess this up just because you think this is going to destroy it somewhere down the road."
House paused. It was a long pause.
"Wilson," said House. "Don't tell Cuddy I told you, okay?"
"Your secret's safe with me," Wilson said. "On one condition."
"What's that?"
"Let me sleep." House chuckled.
"Fine…"
"And House," The phone hovered an inch or two away from House's ear as he stopped. "You are going to try and stop worrying about this, aren't you?"
"You know me…" House said offhandedly.
"So…you're not, are you?"
"I'll try."
"House…"
"Now you're keeping me from getting sleep. Are you trying to get back at me?"
"Well since I'm awake now I might as well try and make a point," Wilson pointed out. "Look…you know the reason I got so many divorces?"
"You're a symbiote who needs to attach himself to a vulnerable soul to survive?" House quipped.
"It's because I rushed things," Wilson corrected. "I got married too early before I really knew people…and then I over-thought things sabotaged myself. Over and over again. Don't do that, House."
"Don't worry, Wilson," House said. "I don't plan on getting married any time soon."
"I didn't think so…just don't throw this away. You two are good together. Really."
"Yeah…" House mused. "'Night, Wilson."
"'Night."
He hung up, putting his phone on his bedside table and falling back against the sheets with a heavy sigh.
They were good together, he and Cuddy. But the future still lingered before him, looming in the shadows beyond the horizon. He couldn't see it, but he knew it was there, growing ever closer, the day when she would inevitably realize that he couldn't give her what she truly wanted out of life. And then what? Would she sacrifice her true happiness for him? Doubtful, he thought. And he wasn't sure if she really wanted her to do that anyway.
Funny, he wondered to himself. Wilson had reminded him of just how young this relationship was. They'd only been together, really, truly for such a short time, and yet it felt like they'd been with each other for years. He wondered if she felt that way too.
He did love her. He wanted to stay with her. He wanted her to be happy. Why did those two things, his happiness and hers, seem to be so tragically mutually exclusive?
He still didn't sleep that night.
"I was thinking we should get dinner tonight," Cuddy crooned as she swayed into his office the next day. "Unwind a little. It would be nice." She waited a beat, regarding him, thinking he would speak, respond. He didn't. He seemed to be in his own little world, staring at his desk. "House?" Finally, he looked up.
"Yeah, sure. Fine. Awesome."
"Are you okay?" she asked, sounding worried. God, he hated that tone of voice. Her worried tone. She stepped closer, casting a quick glance at the empty room to her left to make sure it truly was empty before leaning over his desk. "You look exhausted."
He felt his anxiety winding up tighter.
"Didn't sleep well," he said curtly. "Jet lag."
"We only went to Virginia, House. It's hardly on the other side of the world."
"Airsickness," he substituted.
"You seemed fine on the plane."
"Well what do you care what the reason is?" he snapped. "I just didn't sleep, okay?" Cuddy stepped back, surprised by his outburst. He sighed. "Sorry…"
"It's okay," she assured him. "I just…are you alright?"
"I told you…I'm fine…I just didn't sleep. I'm not dying."
"I never said…" She paused. "Why don't you just come over tonight?" she offered. "You could…sleep over. I could go for a nice night in anyway." He looked up at her, saw her warm, understanding eyes and counted himself lucky that she was being so kind to him in spite of his mood. Or merely in spite of him.
"Okay…" he agreed. She smiled.
"Sounds good."
He rested his cheek on his palm, fingers running over Cuddy's shoulder as they lounged on the couch. She curled against him, eyes lightly closed, and he sighed, this time in contentment.
His hands wandered down her arm, to her hip, meandering around to her abdomen, and those damn thoughts began racing again.
"What are you thinking?" she asked warningly, her tone giving away the fact that she already suspected.
"Nothing…"
"House…"
"Nothing," he insisted. She sat up, looking him in the eye,
"You know I don't believe that. Talk to me…"
"I have…it's nothing, really."
"Are you still preoccupied with that pregnancy scare?" she asked. The point-blank question probably shouldn't have taken him by surprise, but he didn't quite know how to respond anyway. "You are, aren't you?" She pressed her palm against her forehead. "God, I thought we were over this…"
"Well we're not," he said. "I can't…stop thinking about it."
"Why?"
"Because," he snapped. He paused, and softened his tone. "Because I can't…give you that…no matter how much you want it…" Her eyes widened.
"Oh…" she breathed. "Oh, House…You think I can't be happy without a baby? Is that it?" He didn't look at her. She cupped his face in her hands and pulled him to face her, looking him in the eye. He averted his gaze. "Look at me." Finally, he did, willingly.
"I'm happy to have you," she said. "I want this to work, and I'm not going to let something like that get in the way of it."
"But you do want it…and I can't give it to you."
"I do want it…" she admitted. "But it's not the only thing that will make me happy." He looked at her, and she smiled. "You idiot…" She leaned forward and kissed him tenderly.
A week passed. A week that went by rather quickly, if Cuddy was being perfectly honest. She was thankful for that.
The reverend was still in her hospital, but recovering quickly. Before too long he would be discharged, and then she would be rid of him for good. She and his wife had had coffee together once or twice and talked. She seemed so tired, that woman, and Cuddy's heart always went out to her. She wished her the best, willed her to find happiness.
It was raining as she pulled out of the parking lot, heading for home after a long day. Even with her windshield wipers going on full kick, it was difficult to see, so she went slowly. There was nothing worse than cold rain like this. She shivered and turned the heat up.
As she stopped at a red light, her mind wandered. She and House had been doing well, having experienced a sort of catharsis after their conversation the week prior. She hoped that she could convince him that she truly was happy. And maybe she did want a baby, but she had been being honest with him when she'd said she could find happiness perfectly well in other places. If she could only make him believe that too.
The light turned green, the color reflecting all across her rain-covered windshield. She progressed through the light, sighing and squinting in order to see a little better. A bright light drew her attention to her passenger-side window.
The headlights were visible for only a moment before impact. And after that, nothing.
