Ctrl-A-Delete, a Glee fiction

I do not own Glee. Happy National Pie Day to the reviewers!

Dear Blaine,

Finn just scared the snot out of me. And when I say snot, I'm serious. I don't mean any other word that alliterates with snot, like salami. Because for one, salami is gross. It's made of pork, chopped beef (particularly veal), venison, poultry (especially turkey), and horse. At least, that's what Wikipedia claims. And although Wiki can be sketchy from time to time, I'm not testing this. Because once again, let me emphasis, ew gross.

He honestly did scare the snot out of me. I have the disinfectant cloths to prove it. I was going through a dusty box of mementos I had found in the closet and he snuck up on me. I was really absorbed in this photo album I was looking at and he tapped me on the shoulder. All the dust that had been accumulating in my nose just spewed out. That's right, it was projectile. He laughed at me.

Turned out he just wanted to know if I wanted if I had any more cookies. He apparently ate them all yesterday and now he wants a snack. I told him I didn't, but that I'd ask if you did. If not, I'll go buy a box of white fudge Oreos. He loves those things. I'm really hoping I don't have to though. It's chilly outside.

That, and you coming over with more cookies means some quality Blaine time.

Ctrl-A-Delete

Dear Blaine,

As I went through my box of mementos, I came across one of my favorite children's books, "The Frog Prince." I always pictured myself as the princess, without the goofy clothes. Clearly I'd be dressed in something much more fetch and practical. Oh my gosh, Mean Girls moment! I heard that ABC Family is coming out with a sequel. It's staring a handful of girls off of Disney Channel. Have they gone off their rockers? They say it's going to be more heartwarming than the original. Uh, hullo? The whole reason we loved the original was because we wanted to watch Cady and Regina be obnoxious and catty to each other. It's called "Mean Girls", not "Let's Help the Disney Girls Launch a Career That won't Fall to Pieces in Two to Three Years." Oh yeah, that worked so well with Lindsay Lohan. Get a Clue.

If I'm the princess, that makes you the frog. Except in real life, you're more like the handsome prince. Either way, won't we live happily ever after? I sure hope so. No offense to you, but if you're sitting on a lily pad catching flies, I want your tongue nowhere near me. Unless I turn into a frog too, like in "The Princess and Frog."

We are renting that.

Ctrl-A-Delete

Dear Blaine,

Never ever buy shaving cream from the dollar store. Not that you'd ever need to buy something form the dollar store. But Carole is on a coupon clipper kick, so anything we can get cheaper is obviously better. Or at least that's what she keeps trying to tell me. She asked me if I needed anything at the store, so I asked her if she could bring home some shaving cream. When she brought it home, I decided to get to work on my invisible beard. I know there is no hair on my chin, but I like to keep it clean cut. Me + beard= ick.

I got in a fight with the can. Typically, I am not a violent person. You know this is true, as shown through my past history with Karofsky. But I tortured this can. I yanked, I pulled, I grappled the stupid cap, but it would not budge. I was ready to throw it at the wall, but knowing me, it would rebound and hit me in the head. Then I'd have a bruise the size of Montana. There are mountains in Montana mind you. You could only imagine what they'd do to my face. Not pretty things, that's what.

My dad got pretty worried at all of my grunting. He told me he could hear the huffing and puffing from upstairs and came down to make sure I hadn't smuggled a boy into the house. Not that he has a problem with me having a guy over. But when he hears grunting and hasn't met said guy yet, that leads a parent to think certain things. He muttered a few things under his breath and popped off the lid for me. This is way too much work for a clean shave. You better appreciate my stubble free jaw.

I know a couple of ways you could show your appreciation...

Ctrl-A-Delete

Dear Blaine,

My underpants are being held hostage. Now you may think that is the most bizarre thing you have ever heard. But I kid you not. Someone with the initials of Finn Hudson has raiding my drawers for my for drawers. Unless you are still stuck in total shock, as I was for a good five minutes, you're probably wondering why.

Turns out, when Finn asked Carole if she had bought any Oreos, she offered him carrot sticks and hummus as an alternate snack. He thinks that I complained to her about his eating habits (which looking back, wouldn't have been a bad idea) so now he can't have sweets. Right, because I didn't give him a plate of cookies yesterday.

While normally Finn would be okay with eating health food, today he was really craving sugar. So since I wouldn't run to the store or your house to get him cookies, he decided to take my underwear hostage. All of the clean ones anyway. I was going to take a shower, but I'm afraid he'd steal the ones I'm wearing and then I'd have to resort to a makeshift diaper.

And Kurt Hummel is not a baby. Even if his skin is soft like one.

New email from Blaine. Read.

Dear Blaine,

Sounds fabulous. Your place or mine?

Your eternal soul mate,

Backspace

May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the privates of the person who screws up your day and may their arms be too short to scratch,

Backspace

Always to the stars,

Kurt

(P.S. Is there any way your nana could make more cookies? Finn is holding hostages.)