1 year ago

I woke up to the sound of harsh breathing, having me think that something was stirred in the dead of night and it made me worry. I knew that breathing, it was short and labored, like something was weighing down on those lungs and now he was able to breathe finally. I blinked, rubbing my eyes with the back of my hand and reach over to grab my implant now as I saw where I was. We were back in his room, the quiet of the night was over the room and the chill of the night was lingering in the air. But my mind was focused on what I was hearing: the laboring breath. It made me look over my shoulder, seeing him hunched over on the side of the bed, holding his head in his hands and trying to calm himself down. It made me get up a bit, having him feel the dip in the bed and he finally turned his head to look at me.

"Go back to sleep," he tried to reason with me, but I shook my head and sat up straight, moving the hair out of my eyes as I rested my chin on his shoulder near his head, watching him with my worried eyes.

"Not until you tell me what's on your mind," I said back, seeing him look at me in worry now.

"Nothing is," he tried to promise me, but I grinned and kissed his shoulder there, feeling how cool his skin as against my lips.

"You're lying. I know you're thinking, I can see how you're eyebrows are knitted together and your eyes are lost in thought," I explained, seeing him slowly smile at me as I reached over to grasp his hand in my own, very gentle and careful now as I watched him some more and stayed nice and quiet about it, "What is it?"

"I dreamt of my mother," he explained, pausing and drinking it in again with his own mind now as I listened and I didn't say a word, "I saw her in my dream, it made me miss her. I miss her, Atta."

"I know you do," I reaffirmed him, watching him with my own eyes and leaning in a bit closer to him now to have him feel me there.

"I wish she could have seen me now, seen what've I done," He said in almost a sorrowful kind of a whisper. I leaned up to kiss his hair, holding it there for a bit before I placed my chin back on his shoulder and I grinned.

"She's watched you, I know she has." I reassured him, hearing him say nothing for a moment or two now as I tried to find more words to tell him to make him feel better, "She meant the world to you, and because of her, you're the same pilot that I know and love today." He finally looked over at me fully, having me see the bags under his eyes and how he looked far away from me, very far away and lost within his own. It made me lean over to kiss him sweetly, feeling him kiss me back and press our lips together in almost a sleepy manner.

We would do this, every once in awhile with each other. When one was on some kind of cliff, or feeling more lost than anything, the other would grab the hand and pull them back. He would do that to me with my own demons of my abandoned parents. and now it was my turn to bring him back to me since he was lost in the thoughts of his mother. We both had a taste of the consequences of guilt. of sadness, of depression, and we held each other accountable for the times when we would loose our way.

"Lay down with me," I whispered against his lips, the both of us falling back into the bed again and I was pressed behind him, feeling take both of my hands on his own as I could tell he was trying to fall sleep again. Nightmares were hard to forget and try to reset within the mind, I knew that for certain. I pressed one more kiss to the back of his neck as we were laying there in silence again.

"Try to think of something else," I whispered to him.

"Like what?"

"Like how much you love to fly, BB-8 ever leaving your side," I answered him, hearing him chuckle a bit.

"I could always think of you," He replied in a gruffer tone, having me snuggle into him a bit more,

"Don't do that." I pressed to him, "Who would want to think of me?"

"I would," He said without missing a beat, "Every single day." I grinned at him as he presses his lips to our joined hands there in front of him.

"I would think of you too if that helps."


Present Day

Planet D'Qar

"So what's our plan?" Poe and I were looking at the schematic of Starkiller Base, and after having almost another fight with Poe about my own well being and if I was well enough to go out on his mission, he caved and he was letting my fly out with him and the other pilots.

"We are looking to take out this oscillator, found here," Poe explained to me now as he was pointing to the one object there along the side of the base, "This oscillator contains the power that the Superweapon needs to destroy any planets or systems, including our own that is the next target."

"It sounds very simple," I said to him in almost a warning, watching him then point to the outer area of Starkiller Base.

"There's a shield around the base, and Finn and Han Solo are going to go to the planet and take out the shields so we can go in and take out the oscillator," He warned me as he then looked over at me, "Finn used to work on the planet there."

"The stormtrooper that helped you escape?" I asked to make sure that was correct.

"Yeah," He answered, having me grin at him since I could tell he would light up a bit on his face when he mentioned the stormtrooper turned resistance fighter. I even eyed him up and down now, seeing that he was wearing another set of his casual clothes. But once again, he was without his jacket. I knew why now, and it was all clicking in my head.

"You gave your jacket to Finn, didn't you?" I asked him, not in a real question but as a curious kind of manner. He grinned at me, almost trying to he hide his smile from me and make it look innocent. He rolled his eyes at me and bit his lower lip, having me chuckle there next to him.

"Technically he took it when we crashed back on Jakku, but I let him keep it," He replied in a casual kind of manner, having me just chuckle at him for how he was talking about it like it was another day at the Resistance base.

"I thought you were going to give it to me, now I'm hurt," I joked at him with a roll of my eyes and me shoving him playfully with my shoulder. He chuckled at my antics with him and shook his head.

"I was going to, but I guess Finn beat you to it."

"Should I be jealous?"

"You might have to be, just a little." I felt him lean into me from my side with his shoulder, the most affection that we were going to show each other for the time being since pilots and officers were walking to and for around the room, having me worry that some of them were going to look at us in the wrong way and get some questions popped into their heads. I wanted to focus, to keep my mind in check and make sure that we were ready to go out and do our jobs. But standing there for a long time, the aches that I was feeling within my joints and my neck were coming back little by little. I shifted around a bit in my spot next to Poe, trying to make my limbs feel loose instead of feeling stiff and rigid. Poe saw me do this, out of the corner of my eye, I could see him gaze at me and try not to ask me if I'm okay.

"You know what I'm about to ask you…" he trailed off, having me keep my eyes on the Starkiller schematic in front of me.

"And you know what my answer is going to be, don't you?" I asked him in a counter question, seeing him pause as he then placed his hand on my own there on the table, resting it there like a gentle peace offering as I sighed softly.

"Atta, I don't want to lose you," He explained to me shortly, but I could hear the pain there in his tone. I finally looked over at him, seeing him watch me with his careful and protective eyes that he would always use on me for time to time when he thought I was in a bad place, or even when he felt troubled himself. Either way, he was both trying to and not to show that he was afraid for me. I could see that he was drawing his eyes over to where my neck was, to where the bruises were.

"This isn't my first mission that I'm on," I reminded him, seeing him tear his eyes away from the bruises there along my skin and me, "And I don't think it's going to be my last one either,"

"You still went through a bit of a rough patch back there on that planet," Poe reminded me and had me squeezed our joint hands together, hoping that he would feel it down to his very core, "You don't even want to to rest?"

"How can I rest when I know I can some good work with the Resistance and help them in any way that I can?" I asked him back, remaining calm about it. I hated needed to rest, I hated being left behind, it was itching away at me and it almost made me want tor rebel. But since we were going into a huge mission, something that could change everything in how we were going to live, I also had to be careful with what I was going to do.

"Poe, it's going to be okay. More than okay, since this time I'm only going to be in my X-Wing and not down there at the base. If anything, I can be another set of eyes for them to use." I explained, looking back at the schematic again and feeling the stomach falling to the floor in a heap, "The Stars knows we need someone else to keep an eye out on you guys."

"What about Han and Finn?" Poe asked in almost a grave manner now, having me watch him look at the base in front of us too, "Who will watch them?" It made me think too. They were going to go into the base, trying to not be undetected at all, and do missions that seemed simple and complicated at the same time. They would need some kind of back-up, someone with them that was going to be another set of eyes and ears since they were on their own mission. it would be suicidal if they were going to go alone. It made me think. a bad thought really since I knew I was going to be in a world of hurt if this was going to be the case. I finally looked over at Poe, about to open the floodgate.

"I'll go with them."


"You call that a plan?!" Poe asked me as we were walking out Organa's office and over to the X-Wings, having me give him a glare as the other pilots around us were running around and getting ready for the upcoming mission. Everyone was bustling around left and right, and the two of us were walking over to the Millennium Falcon where I saw Han Solo, his companion Chewbacca, and Finn prepping the vessel.

"It's better than nothing," I replied back in a huff as we were moving along the hanger and getting closer to the vessel itself.

"Well, you being in your X-Wing is better than this!" Poe said in a hiss.

"Be honest you would want me to stay here at the base and just wait for something to happen," I replied, hearing him sigh and roll his eyes from my own antics against him. When we were close enough, I finally turned around and face Poe, seeing the anxiety there within the back of his eyes and how he was really trying to hold it together in front of me, and somehow he was failing at it. He had to get his own mind straight before anything else could really happen, he was leading the missions and for him to be frazzled. He needs to focus and he is not thinking about me and what was going to happen to me. If he did, then he wouldn't be himself anymore.

"I can do this," I reminded him again, almost sounding like a broken record now and it was going to kill me if I had to say it anymore, "You know I can do this, so don't even think about pulling the protective boyfriend card on me. You've seen me in worse conditions, so this is going to be a cakewalk." He watched me as I said this, thinking about it in his head and how he knew I was right. I've had worse licks than bruises on my neck, but he was thinking more than that.

I was thinking more than that, I was thinking about the Jedi and how he was going to be there, and not just that, he was going to try something on me again if he found me. He already cracked into my head once, and who knows if he was going to do that to me again. Was Poe thinking about that? I was betting he was and it was making him want to hold me back and not be touched or bothered.

"If you don't come back, I'll be heartbroken, you know that, right?" He said to me in a low manner now, trying to not sound like it in front of the pilots around us. I grinned, nodding in agreement.

"And I expect to do the same thing with you," I challenged, seeing him nod in agreement. We both were neutral about it, once again holding each other accountable for the fact that we both were going into dangerous waters and we may not get out. It was good, though, to know that we both were still loving each other and holding onto the small glimmer of hope.

We both were in over our heads.