Forgive Me

"Kev-" Sam grunts, half laying on top of me. At a man of twenty now he is all bulky muscle just like his brother. He had long outgrown the awkwardness of having such a large body and moved with the grace of a predator now.

"You're heavy." I inform. Kevin is sprawled out safely on the other side of the bed. Kevin and me had gotten into the same school in California through the same program. I had left a few months after breaking it off with Dean.

Me and Kevin had been roommates, and much to our joy Sam had joined us after graduating the next year. The three of us shared a small dingy apartment. Sam getting modeling jobs on the side so he could help Dean with paying for his tuition.

The three of us worked well together. Sam and Kevin had been strange for awhile. Sam assumed that if he came down here that Kevin would immediately leap into his arms. What Sam didn't understand was that to be with a Winchester was completely all-consuming and Kevin wanted to focus on his studies.

So they had a rocky beginning. Sam had tried to make Kevin jealousy by flirting with me, and we had even ended up making out once while extremely inebriated. But I loved Dean and Sam loved Kevin so it hadn't amounted to much.

Now Sam had finally weaseled his way under Kevin's skin enough for them to be fuck buddies. Kevin had reasoned that Sam was a good stress release after all the school work. I had nodded along, but knew that it was only a matter of time before they get back together. Then again, it had been two years. Two years since we had moved to California, leaving behind everyone.

Leaving behind Dean.

"Get off." I grunt, the dense muscle of Sam's chest is warm against my own nude one. I try to shimmy him off, but he's too big.

"Ugh, my head." Kevin whimpers, knocking away Sam's grabby hands as he reaches for him. The three of us tangled in my bed, extremely hung over, and sweaty did not make for a good morning.

Sam grinded our hips together, and I winced shoving him back enough to wiggle out from under him. Half asleep he rolled over and turned his attentions to Kevin who shuttered.

"Don't stain my sheets." I grumble, stumbling into the kitchen for some much needed coffee and toast.

It's only seconds later that I hear the heavy thump of my bed frame hitting the wall. Sam's low moans, and Kevin's breathy gasps filling the air of the still open bed room door. I sigh.

It's hard living with roommates who fuck constantly.

Sam had suggested the three of us entering a relationship. We were in college after all, it was all about 'experimentation' Kevin had interjected. I had raised an eyebrow and politely turned them down.

Not to say it wouldn't be amazing. The three of us were bestfriends after all. Kevin was small and beautiful, and Sam was practically carved from marble. To imagine me and Kevin, two fairly small men under Sam's massive frame made hot licks of arousal thrum up my spine.

But I decided it was best not too. I still wasn't over Dean, and it wasn't fair to Sam to imagine him as his big brother when he pushed into me.

So I had remained celibate, much to my annoyance. Sighing I make myself a cup of coffee. Hearing the lazy slaps of morning sex coming from my bed. Kevin comes, and Sam a moment later. They both fall back asleep. I sit at the kitchen table and daydream about Dean.


"Hey, Cas." Ruby smiles, hot red lips stretched wide over a brilliant smile.

"Good morning." I greet her. I am gay, completely and totally. But like how I was with Meg, I couldn't help but be attracted to confident woman. She had too many things in common with Dean for me to not adore her. She loved classic rock, junk food, and leather jackets. Not to mention she was loyal to a fault, and so stubborn that even Dean would have a run for his money.

Besides Kevin and Sam, Ruby was my best friend.

"You look like you got fucked into a wall last night." Ruby grins. I flush at the statement. Sam had slammed me into a wall, murmuring hotly against my temple that he felt woozy.

"We were celebrating Kevin's test score." I inform tiredly. Ruby chuckles, shouldering up to me as we head to class. She has a spicy sexy perfume on that makes my nostrils flare.

"I fucked a chick last night." Ruby says. I look up in shock. Ruby was straight. She had seeked me out during my first week of school. She had wanted to see the cute 'twink' that 'the moose' had brought with him from Kansas. I wasn't a twink, I was nearly six foot with an athletic body, but when standing next to Sam everyone was a twink.

"You're not lesbian." I remind, brow furrowing. She had been curious about my sexuality, teasingly so at times. Saying I didn't really have a chance to be straight with my 'cocksucker' lips.

"Well I sure as hell ain't straight after last night." Ruby comments, eyes glazed over in memory. I flush darkly at her tone. It's cocky and smooth and eerily similar to Dean. Her friendship both helps and hurts the whole Dean situation.

"You must be bisexual." I shrug, fiddling with the strap of my messenger bag.

"No one's really bisexual." Ruby says with an eye roll. I scowl at her, thinking of how Dean had loved both me and Anna equally. Uncaring of our gender.

"Don't be a bigot." I frown at her, and she flinches at my tone.


Class is difficult to concentrate on. My mind keeps trailing to Dean. The memories of us sneaking away together, of us under the waterfall. I had gone for months at time of not thinking of Dean, but he had snaked back into my mind.

It was strange.

I got back to the apartment. Kevin wasn't there, too busy studying at the library like usual.

Sam was sitting at the table, talking animatedly on the phone.

"Alright, well Cas just walked in. I gotta go, I'll talk to you later. Congratulations!" Sam smiled, hanging up.

I kick off my shoes by the door, heading into the kitchen for a drink when Sam decides to say the words that change my entire life.

"Anna and Dean are getting married." He says nonchalantly, almost excitedly. The glass in my hand slips through my fingers and crashes into the ground, splintering into a thousand pieces.

"Wow!" Sam jumps up, he goes to the entrance and gets his shoes on, setting mine down as well for me to slip on.

"Geeze, it's not that shocking. I know Dean isn't really the marrying type." Sam chuckles, looking at me with slanted hazel eyes tinged with confusion.

I feel like I'm drowning. My chest hurts to deeply.

I should be happy. My sister is marrying the man that she loves. They'll be happy together, start a family and and ...

"Cas, Cas what's wrong?!" Sam's shouting, eyes wide and panicked. I don't think he's ever seen me cry. Dean seems to be talented in making fat hot tears roll down my cheeks, even when he's halfway across the US.

"I'm happy for them." I choke on my own tongue, sobbing like a child as I cling to the front of Sam's flannel.

"Cas, Cas please don't." Sam is shaking, big hands fluttering around my shoulders like he doesn't know what to do.

"I'm trying." I rasp, feeling the tears streak down my face and neck. Huge pained sobs rack my chest and it hurts.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry." I repeat, shaking as Sam holds me close.


Dean and Anna are getting married on the beach that just happens to be a few blocks from our house. They decide to come stay down here for a few months, renting out a condo.

I try not to breakdown as Anna tells me this over the phone.

"Our flights tomorrow. Pick us up at the airport at noon." Anna says excitedly. I hadn't seen her in several months, the last time had been when I'd gone up for christmas and hastily came back to california to diminish any chance of seeing Dean.

"Of course." I choke. All night I toss and turn. Sam and Kevin have an argument and Sam ends up coming into my room in the middle of the night, throwing himself across the opposite side of my bed.

"Do you want to have sex?" I whisper to him in the dark. Sam looks up, and let's out a snort of a laugh elbowing. When I don't respond he goes stiff.

"What?" He yelps.

"Fuck me." I breath, it's been much too long. In the dark of the room, Sam's jaw line is similar to Dean's. The broadness of his shoulders are almost exact. Suddenly it's all I want. I slide a hand over his chest and even in the dark I can see his cheeks darken.

"Cas, what's gotten into you?" He hisses back, eyes flashing guiltily to the door.

"Kevin said you were in an open relationship, remember?" I reminded.

"Yeah, but we don't actually sleep with anyone else." Sam makes another shocked noise as I manage curl my hand around the back of his neck pulling him closer. His eyes flutter shut.

"Make me forget." His eyelids flicker and he's staring at my lips swallowing thickly.

"Cas you know I think you're gorgeous, b-but this isn't you. You don't want me." Sam says hoarsely. We're both horny and young, and I'm still not sure why Sam's not pounding into my ass by now.

"We can get Kevin too." Because I need this, and they'd made the offer before. I wanted to be fucked. I wanted to forget.

"Cas, you don't want this." Sam says again with conviction.

God, he's right. I didn't. I wanted Dean. I wanted him so badly I would replace him with his only vaguely similar looking brother.

I choke on a sob.

Sam's up and wrapped around me in a second. I cry into his chest and he holds me tight. We lay like that for a long time. I hear him sigh above me when I finally calm down.

"Finally get the chance to fuck you, and I turn you down. I'm gonna regret that, for the rest of my life." Sam says melodramatically with a wide goofy smile on his face. I laugh and so does he. I feel much better, and almost prepared to see Anna and Dean the next day.


I'm not prepared. Not at all.

Anna looks beautiful. Wearing jeans with a tight floral shirt. Her hair is shorter and styled in a vintage way that suits her much better. She runs up to hug me, and I hold her close.

Dean Winchester is a thing to behold.

He looks older. The prettiness of his face has faded into something more rugged and handsome. His eyelashes are still as long as I remember, and his lips are full and surrounded by stubble. He is beautiful.

"Hello Dean." I greet. He's staring at me, not saying a word. He's carrying two bags and I reach forward and take Anna's. He doesn't say a word.

"Dean hates flying." Anna offers, splaying a hand over Dean's shoulder. I grit my teeth and want to say 'I know', because I do. I know everything about Dean and Anna acts like she knows him better when she doesn't.

She doesn't.

"Big tough guy." She grins, pressing a kiss to his cheek. He blinks and it looks like he breaks out of whatever trance he was under. He glances to her and then back to me.

"Hey Cas." He says, almost shyly. He shuffles awkwardly on his feet, bowed legs clad in worn jeans that I'm pretty sure he owned when I was in highschool.

"Hello Dean." I say back, and out eyes meet again.

It's too much. It's like we've never been parted. The chemistry is nearly tangible and I want to tell him that I'm sorry for everything. That I changed my mind. That Anna couldn't have him anymore because he belonged to me. Dean Winchester was mine and mine only.

"I'm so excited!" Anna squealed, hanging from my arm.

"You look good by the way, you grew." She smiles up at me and I'm not sure when that happened because we used to be the same height.

"Thank you." I say, letting her prattle in my ear.

Over her head me and Dean stare at each other. When we load the bags in the back of my car, Dean's finger traces over my wrist with a single finger. I gasp harshly and refuse to look at him, but his gaze is heavy on me. I chew on my lip and let my own fingers trace his. It's a small barely there motion, questioning and filled with so much possibilities that I nearly cry. It's intimate and suggestive and I love him.

I love him. I love him. I love him.