Author's Note: How did I manage to abridge an entire musical into one one-shot? Magic. And Fall Out Boy songs.
Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece, any songs from Evita or Phantom of the Opera, or any songs by Fall Out Boy, Justin Timberlake, or Ke$ha.
It all started one day as Nico Robin and her musician boyfriends, Dracule Mihawk and Roronoa Zoro, arrived in Candy Mountain, capital of Narnia.
"Alright, guys, I'm dumping you for hotter, richer men," Robin said to the two men before she walked away. Mihawk and Zoro sweatdropped.
"Since when were we musicians?" Zoro asked Mihawk.
"And why are we doing this?" Mihawk asked Zoro.
"I did it for the booze. Robin didn't give me booze. Instead, she gave me oval-shaped things that were pixilated out," Zoro explained. Mihawk facepalmed.
"Thank Kuina that bitch broke up with us!" Mihawk thanked the girl who died falling down a flight of stairs. That night, Prince Sanji's "Awesome, Handsome, Sexy Elite Guards" made up of seven guys – Zoro, Mihawk, Kartik, Law, Sabo, Smoker, and Ace – and seven girls – Molly, Kalifa, Nojiko, Tashigi, Hana, Vivi, and Matsu – were body guarding him at a charity event to raise money for Seattle's Best coffee house locations that were going to close down. Ironically, the event was held at a Starbucks.
"Hey, weren't we just musicians?" Zoro asked Mihawk.
"You're in my bodyguard tribe now. Now, shut up and protect my sexy body," Sanji ordered before he walked away.
"Oi, little girl," Zoro said.
"Bloody hell, what is it?" Molly asked Zoro.
"If I paid you a pre-arranged amount of money, will you promise not to tell Shitty Cook that I walked out of the production?" Zoro asked Molly.
"Uhh… Alright," Molly answered. Zoro then gave Molly a 50 beri bill before walking away. Eneru carried him back a few seconds later.
"What the hell?" Zoro cried.
"You signed a contract, therefore, you lost The Game," Eneru stated before he walked away. The room grew silent.
"That's sexual harassment," Kalifa commented.
"So, did anybody tell us how long we were supposed to stay here?" Sabo asked everyone.
"I was told we'd be let go in a half-hour," Ace said. Nojiko pulled out a pack of cards.
"Anybody want to play a card game?" Nojiko asked everyone.
"On motorcycles?" Zoro asked Nojiko.
"That meme is so last year!" Nojiko pointed out. Onstage, Robin was singing, since she promised people that she would sing for Seattle's Best.
"I stand here as a servant of the people
As we come together for a marvelous cause
You've shown by your presence, your deeds and applause
What the people can do, true power is yours
Not the government's, unless it represents the people," Robin sang. The audience grew silent.
"Bring out Harry and the Potters!" Kuroobi – who now had an Australian accent – yelled from the audience. Sanji then walked on stage and began to strip as the music started.
"I'm bringing sexy back
Them other boys don't know how to act
I think its special whats behind your back
So turn around and i'll pick up the slack
Take em' to the bridge
Dirty babe
You see these shackles?
Baby I'm your slave
I'll let you whip me if I misbehave
It's just that no one makes me feel this way
Take em' to the chorus –" Sanji sang before noticing Robin.
"I'd be surprisingly good for you, yada, yada, yada, let's screw!" Robin and Sanji said before they ran off. The audience sweatdropped as Matsu and Kartik walked on-stage dressed as characters from Phantom of the Opera.
"Perform the Reno 911 theme song!" Sabo requested as he lit a lighter.
"No more talk of darkness
Forget these wide-eyed fears
I'm here, nothing can harm you
My words will warm and calm you
Let me be your freedom
Let daylight dry your tears
I'm here, with you, beside you
To guard you and to guide you," Kartik sang to Matsu.
"Say you'll love me every waking moment
Turn my head with talk of summertime
Say you'll need me with you now and always
Promise me, that all you say is true
That's all I ask of you," Matsu sang to Kartik.
"What the hell is this treason?" Chopper cried.
"Usopp, when's Optimus Prime coming on stage?" Luffy asked Usopp.
"Any second now, Luffy. We have to wait until the cast of The Big Lebowski is finished until Optimus Prime can do his liberetto about pineapples," Usopp explained.
"The Dude abides," Luffy said with a nod.
A week later, Robin and Sanji got hitched. They were now standing on the balcony of the royal palace with a large crowd of admirers and Sanji's bodyguards watching them.
"Jump, Shitty Cook, jump!" Zoro encouraged.
"Zoro, he's not going to commit suicide," Kartik explained.
"Then, you haven't seen the suicide pact," Zoro deadpanned.
"Guys, it's time we rebelled against this mockery of a marriage," Sabo told everyone.
"Okay! Cue music!" Nojiko said. Then, the music started.
"This ain't a scene, it's a Goddamn arms race
This ain't a scene, it's a Goddamn arms race
This ain't a scene, it's a Goddamn arms race
Bandwagon's full Please, catch another," Sanji's bodyguards sang before Blugori and Saldeath had to take them away. Then, Robin stepped onto the balcony dressed like Madonna's role in Evita.
"Where's your cone bra Lady Gaga jacked?" Kidd asked from the crowd.
"Kidd, I told you this before; English women don't pump gas naked," Killer told Kidd. Then, Robin began to sing.
"Don't cry for me, Argentina," Robin sang before she fainted.
"Robin-chawn!" Sanji yelled as he ran up to Robin and carried her into her bed.
"What the hell is going on here? Where's Ashton Kutcher?" Sanji cried as Robin re-gained some consciousness.
"Cook-san… I'm dying. I love you! Let's have ghost sex!" Robin said before passing away.
"ROBIN-CHAWN!"
Meanwhile, at the movies, Sanji's former bodyguards were watching the movie Selleck Waterfall Sandwich.
"Oi, what's Dartboard Brow doing in this movie?" Zoro asked his fellow bodyguards. Then, the film stopped.
"Damn it! We didn't even get to the part where they go to Crate and Barrel!" Sabo cursed.
"I regret to inform you that Nico Robin, the queen of Narnia, has died at 8:25 this evening."
The bodyguards went outside in stunned silence. When they got outside, they stood in more stunned silence, until Hana had some heart wrenching words to say.
"Wake up in the morning feeling like P Diddy (Hey, what up girl?)
Put my glasses on, Im out the door - I'm gonna hit this city (Lets go)
Before I leave, brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack
Cause when I leave for the night, I ain't coming back
I'm talking - pedicure on our toes, toes
Trying on all our clothes, clothes
Boys blowing up our phones, phones
Drop-toping, playing our favorite cds
Pulling up to the parties
Trying to get a little bit tipsy
Don't stop, make it pop
DJ, blow my speakers up
Tonight, Imma fight Til we see the sunlight
Tick tock, on the click
But the party don't stop
Woah-oh oh oh
Woah-oh oh oh
Don't stop, make it pop
DJ, blow my speakers up
Tonight, Imma fight Til we see the sunlight
Tick tock, on the click
But the party don't stop
Woah-oh oh oh
Woah-oh oh oh
Aint got a care in world, but got plenty of beer
Aint got no money in my pocket, but I'm already here
Now, the dudes are lining up cause they hear we got swagger
But we kick em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger
Im talking about - everybody getting crunk, crunk
Boys trying to touch my junk, junk
Gonna smack him if he getting too drunk, drunk
Now, now - we goin til they kick us out, out
Or the police shut us down, down
Police shut us down, down
Po-po shut us
Don't stop, make it pop
DJ, blow my speakers up
Tonight, Imma fight Til we see the sunlight
Tick tock, on the clock
But the party don't stop
Woah-oh oh oh
Woah-oh oh oh
Don't stop, make it pop
DJ, blow my speakers up
Tonight, Imma fight Til we see the sunlight
Tick tock, on the clock
But the party don't stop
Woah-oh oh oh
Woah-oh oh oh
DJ, you build me up
You break me down
My heart, it pounds
Yeah, you got me
With my hands up
You got me now
You gotta that sound
Yea, you got me
DJ, you build me up
You break me down
My heart, it pounds
Yeah, you got me
With my hands up
Get your hands up
Put your hands up
Now, the party don't stop until I walk in
Don't stop, make it pop
DJ, blow my speakers up
Tonight, Imma fight Til we see the sunlight
Tick tock, on the click
But the party don't stop
Woah-oh oh oh
Woah-oh oh oh
Don't stop, make it pop
DJ, blow my speakers up
Tonight, Imma fight Til we see the sunlight
Tick tock, on the click
But the party don't stop
Woah-oh oh oh
Woah-oh oh oh," Hana sang as everyone danced to the song. At the end, everyone struck a pose.
"Robin is not dead, she's still alive. We were just filming this for comedy, profit, and possibly llamas. Good night, everyone!" Yuki-Rin said off-screen.
Ending Note: What is this? I don't even -
Anyway, please review this brilliant, glittery, cracky brilliance.
