Hello, again! Glad you have returned for Chapter 12! :)

First and foremost, I owe a big, big, big thanks (see what I did there? ;) ) to titania522 (ct522) for oh so generously beta-ing this chapter for me. I was not satisfied w/it and she helped me make it better! Also, if you haven't read her stuff yet, drop everything and go read Good Again and Persuasion. They are both seriously awesome.

Thanks so much for continuing to read! You all make my day!


When You Were Young- Chapter 12 "Just to Reach You, Baby I'd Stand in Line"


Something is wrong with Katniss. I'm not sure what, but she has definitely not been acting like herself these past few days. I haven't actually seen her since Saturday night when I dropped her off from Finnick's, and everything was fine then… everything was great then. We talked on the phone Sunday morning, and even though I know the first part of our conversation made her uncomfortable, we talked it out and the conversation ended okay.

For the millionth time in the past four days a bit of doubt creeps into my mind about this, however. The only thing I know is that our conversation ended abruptly because Gale showed up and then Katniss never called me back like she said she would. After a few hours I texted her, but received no response. When she finally did get back to me it was several hours later, and her text simply said 'Sorry, went hunting. I have to finish my essay. I will talk to you tomorrow.'

At that point I didn't make too much of it - Katniss is not exactly loquacious, even by texting standards- but I couldn't stop the niggling little worry that sprang up. It wasn't like her to just not call me or blow me off. And we had gotten in the habit of talking to each night before bed, but she was clearly dismissing that as an option.

I didn't see her in school on Monday, which is not unusual, but when I texted her after I got home from football practice she was once again curt and evasive.

P: hey gorgeous, I sent first, trying to establish our usual flirty tone.

Several minutes went by without a response.

P: you there?

Several more minutes… I was determined that I wouldn't try again until she responded… I failed.

P: are you ignoring me? ;)

As though the winking smiley face would make me seem less needy. When she didn't respond yet again I tried to distract myself with some homework. When I heard my text tone go off a half an hour later, I scrambled to snatch up my phone as quickly as possible.

K: Sorry. Busy.

That annoyed me.

P: too busy to say hi?

K: I have an exam tomorrow. I'm studying.

P: sorry to bother you…

No response. It took every ounce of will power that I had to refrain from calling her. Instead I put my phone in my desk drawer to try to quell the urge and tried to refocus on my homework again. And again, I failed.

P: okaaay… you're busy, I get it I'll leave you alone

P: but can I at least see you tomorrow?

I was expecting to receive no response again so I was surprised when she responded right away.

K: I can't, I have plans

I was so annoyed by that that I just turned my phone off completely without answering her and put it in my top dresser drawer to try to keep from thinking about it. I couldn't stop myself from retrieving it an hour later, but when I turned it back on, there were no further messages form her. When I went to bed that night, I laid there staring at my phone, willing it to ring, hoping Katniss would call to say goodnight like we usually did. But my phone never rang and I eventually drifted off to sleep.

As her strange behavior has continued for three consecutive days now, I am really starting to freak out… and I'm more than a little pissed.

I just keep wracking my brain for any sort of hint as to what had gone wrong. Why is she treating me with such indifference all of a sudden when everything has been going so great? Did something happen with Gale? The last time I actually spoke with her was when he had just shown up at her house. I don't think Katniss would ever actually do anything with Gale… Would she? No. Absolutely not. I refuse to believe that. What then?

Maybe she found out about the scholarship. I have absolutely no intention of telling her that I am the other student being considered for valedictorian. I still don't know what to do with that bit of information myself and I know it would just stress her out. I have been trying really hard not to think about this ever since she inadvertently told me. The truth is, I need that scholarship if I have a hope of pursuing culinary school, but I know I couldn't bear to be the obstacle that stands in the way of Katniss and her dream of UNC-Chapel Hill.

One thing at a time, Peeta. My primary concern right now needs to be whether or not I still have a girlfriend at all. I can figure out the valedictorian thing when the time comes. Besides, I'm pretty sure there is no way Katniss knows about my involvement where that is concerned. I haven't told anyone and I know none of the teachers or staff would have said anything to her.

I know how independent Katniss is, but I think I have been patient enough these past few days. Whatever she is dealing with, I have given her space and time to figure it out. I am done waiting. So even though I am exhausted from practice- coach is really kicking our ass this week because Friday is our last game of the season- I am still determined to see Katniss before I head home. I was hoping to catch her before she left for the day, but I'm not sure if she is still at the school because, even though it is Wednesday, the Meadowglen Mentors program is being held inside everyday now that it is mid-November and too cold for the kids to play outside.

I am walking down the hall toward the school's large rec room where I believe the program is held when I see her. She has just emerged with her keys in hand and her school bag slung across her chest which is encased in the worn brown leather jacket she always wears- her father's jacket, she once told me. She doesn't see me as she walks quickly in the opposite direction with her head down. She seems to be looking at something on her phone.

"Katniss!" I shout after her.

She stops abruptly and turns to face me slowly, the hand holding her phone dropping to her side. Neither of us says anything as I walk up and stand close, directly in front of her. I don't reach for her and she doesn't reach for me, but we are each searching the other's face intently. In hers I see sadness, and maybe a little fear. I'm sure she must see hurt, doubt, and anger in mine.

After a while I finally break the silence, blurting out the question I have lived in fear of for the past three days. "Are you going to break up with me?" I am embarrassed to hear my voice raspy with emotion.

It takes her a long time to answer. "No… I don't know…" she finally says so quietly I can barely hear her.

I remember one time when we were running scrimmages in practice earlier this season, Cato took a cheap shot at me after the whistle just because he's an asshole and he could. He tackled me so hard and so unexpectedly that every ounce of air in my lungs was pushed out in one big painful whoosh. I lay there gasping for what was probably only seconds, but what felt like several minutes, trying desperately to make my lungs work and to get another breath in. The pain in my lungs was so much more intense than anything I had felt in all my time playing aggressive sports and I was terrified that I wouldn't be able to make my lungs work again before I suffocated.

This is exactly what I feel like right now. With the three softly spoken words she has hit me harder and more unexpectedly than Cato ever could on the football field. I try my best to hide it, but I can see in her pained expression that she knows how bad it hurts to hear that she has possibly been considering breaking up with me. I realize that in all my fears over what is going on with her, deep down I hadn't believed she would want to end things with me.

I am still trying to recover, trying to will my lungs to take in air without having to gasp for it and sacrifice my dignity when she speaks again. "I don't want to break up with you," as she speaks she looks down at the phone in her hand again. I see that what she was looking at as she walked down the hall, before she knew I was behind her, is the picture I took of the two of us together last Wednesday. How can things have changed so much in just one week?

"What happened, Katniss?" I am finally able to get out in a thin, somewhat choked voice. She shakes her head, but doesn't attempt to answer my question, so I continue. "Did something happen with Gale?"

Her head snaps up to look at me then, confusion evident on her face. "Gale? No… why would you… You think I did something with Gale?!" She doesn't sound angry at my suggestion, just incredulous and somewhat hurt.

"I don't know what to think," I say simply. "You have ignored me for days, and the last time we spoke he had just shown up at your house." The anger I was feeling earlier is steadily returning and I try to hold onto it. At least I can breathe again.

She shakes her head adamantly as she says, "I haven't ignored you and I would NEVER do anything with Gale."

I scoff and return, "You haven't ignored me? Come on, Katniss, that's bullshit and you know it!"

She looks down at her phone again, at our picture, and speaks softly not looking at me. "I'm so sorry Peeta. I know I've been… awful. But Gale has nothing to do with it." She finally meets my gaze again as she states the last part firmly.

"Fine. Not Gale. What the hell happened then Katniss? Everything was… so great… and then out of nowhere you're saying you're thinking about breaking up with me?"

"No, I haven't been thinking about breaking up with you… I've just… been trying not to think of you at all…" she flashes the screen of her phone at me as she finishes, "and failing miserably."

"That doesn't exactly make me feel better, Katniss." I don't say anything else because at that moment both Effie and Annie emerge from the rec room, Effie chatting away a mile a minute and Annie listening politely. I don't think Effie has even noticed us as she leads the way in the opposite direction, but Annie is looking back over her shoulder at Katniss, a questioning look on her face that holds the silent message 'is everything okay?' When Katniss makes no response Annie just holds her hand up to her ear mimicking a phone and Katniss nods once. Yeah, Annie, she'll call you right after she finishes destroying me, I think ungraciously.

As soon as they are out of earshot I continue and am unable to disguise the hurt in my voice, "So did you tell Annie that you were going to break up with me, or something?"

"What?! No, Peeta… I told you, I haven't been thinking about breaking up with you. I can't even bear to think about that!" she answers emphatically. Her answer makes me feel slightly better, but only slightly. "Can we go somewhere to talk?" she asks.

"It depends. Do you want to go somewhere so you can let me down gently? Because if that's the case then no, just do it and get it over with," I say bleakly.

"Peeta. Listen to me. I'm not breaking up with you. But if you want an explanation as to what happened on Sunday, well I'm going to have to lay a lot of personal shit out, and I'd rather not do it in the school hallway." She sounds kind of exasperated now.

I just nod and start walking toward the exit that leads to the student parking lot. When we are both settled into my SUV I look at her expectantly. She raises her eyebrows and asks, "We're not going anywhere?"

"I don't really know where to go," I answer her shortly.

"Oh, okay… I just figured you would take us to our spot… like every Wednesday."

I am tempted to tell her that it is only our spot if there is still going to be an us. Instead I shake my head and say, "I'd rather you just tell me now. I'm kind of freaking out here, Katniss."

She nods and says, "Well, that I can understand… That is exactly what I have been doing since Sunday morning."

"Why? Please tell me it's not about our conversation. Because, seriously, that should be a non-issue… You know I'm willing to wait until you are comfortable with everything. And I thought we had figured all that out before we got off the phone anyway-" I am talking a mile a minute all of a sudden, all of these thoughts that have been swirling around my mind for days finally spilling out.

"It's not that, Peeta!" she finally interjects to cut off my frantic tirade. "And it's not about Gale either… Both of those would probably make a lot more sense than what it is about… I know you're going to think I'm crazy and not understand…" she trails off quietly.

"I'll try really hard to understand. Just tell me," I say, grabbing her left hand in my right and squeezing it hard. It feels so nice to finally touch her again even if it is only her hand. It makes me realize how much I have missed her these past few days.

"I was talking to my mom…" she is quiet for a minute and I just wait patiently for her to decide what she wants to say. "I actually told her I should probably start taking birth control." This causes an excited swooping sensation in my stomach, but I try not to let my reaction show on my face because Katniss is glancing up at me shyly now. I just nod to urge her to go on. "So, um, my mom started talking about young love and how we reminded her of my dad and her when they were our age."

She says this as though that makes everything obvious, but I am still lost. "Okay, and…" I say.

"Peeta! You know what it was like after my dad died. How my mom just… disappeared…" She is staring intently at our joined hands. When I don't say anything else she continues, "She loved him so much. She depended on him so much. When he died… she couldn't stand it… couldn't face her life without him. Not even for Prim and me."

"Katniss, I'm sorry, but I'm still not sure I understand what this has to do with us."

"I just… I can't love you like that, Peeta. I don't want her to look at us and say we are like her and my dad, because I don't want to need you that much! I can't become my mother. I can't lose myself so completely to you. I just can't let that happen." She is so emphatic, so impassioned in what she is saying and I see that her eyes are glistening. "But I also can't bring myself to not feel these things for you. You know?"

I can't help it. I am so grateful to finally know what has been going on and so relieved to hear that she has distanced herself because she is afraid to like me too much that I can't stop the little laugh that bubbles up from my chest and the smile that spreads across my face. "Katniss, is that seriously what you have been freaking out about? This is why you've been acting so weird?"

"It's not funny, Peeta!" She yanks her hand out of mine abruptly, showing the temper that I have become familiar with and, honestly, have come to find kind of adorable. "I knew you wouldn't understand. Just… never mind. Forget I said anything."

I reach across her to grab her right hand which she has poised on the door handle, preparing to leave. "Katniss, stop! I don't think it's funny. I'm sorry. I'm just a little relieved. I have been terrified for the past few days that you were regretting everything, that you didn't actually like me or want to be with me, or whatever. To find out that you are actually stressing because you like me too much… I'm sorry, but yeah, I'm a little relieved!"

"I really am sorry I made you worry…" she mutters softly.

"Katniss, listen to me," I say, "I do understand. I mean, I'm not going to pretend to know how hard things were for you after your dad died, but I get it. You know? But you are not your mom. In fact, everything you have ever told me about her makes me think that you are, like, the opposite of your mom." It takes her a minute, but when she eventually looks at me again I go on, more quietly now, "You are so much stronger than her, Katniss. But, if you are going to let the fear of what may or may not happen several years down the road drive us apart, well then, I guess that would mean your mom is a whole lot braver than you."

A tear finally spills down her cheek from her wet eyes, and I reach up to cup the side of her face and wipe it with my thumb. I don't think I have ever seen her this vulnerable, not even in the few times when she has let down her defenses while we were exploring each other's bodies. She scoots over some, closing the distance between us as much as our seats will allow and wraps her arms tightly around my waist and I lean in to wrap mine around her shoulders and bury my face in her hair.

I breathe deeply and let out a relieved breath. "Besides, I'm not planning on going anywhere any time soon. Don't kill me off in your mind before my time, okay?" I say, trying to lighten the mood.

It works a little as she lets out a soft, watery sounding chuckle. "I'm sorry." Neither of us speaks for a while, just leaning awkwardly across the center consul to hold each other. After a few minutes she is the first to break the silence. "I really missed you, Peeta," she says, the words muffled into my chest.

"I missed you too," I say simply. She lifts her head and I don't think she has ever been more beautiful to me- despite her water eyes and face splotchy with emotion- as she lifts her chin in a silent plea for a kiss. I lean in and kiss her slowly, reveling in the feeling of her soft lips on mine again. How is it possible that four days away from Katniss feels like four months?

I'm not sure how long we spend exploring each other's mouths, but she eventually breaks the kiss with a soft bite to my bottom lip which she traces with her tongue afterward. I just hope she is not aware of the effect the kiss has had on me down below. I don't want her to think I am some kind of sex crazed jerk who can't control my reaction to her even when I should only be worried about comforting her.

"So, what do you think about the other thing?" she says. I raise a confused eyebrow at her because, in my lust addled brain, I'm not sure what she means. She clarifies, "I mean about the whole birth control thing."

I clear my throat to give me time to formulate an adequate response. With the way I am feeling right now, I want to just shout emphatically that I think it is fantastic! Instead, I say slowly and calmly, "I'm good with that. You know, whenever you are ready, Katniss, I'll be here."

She smiles and looks down shyly. I'm not entirely surprised when she changes the subject- Katniss doesn't really seem to like forthright conversations about sex. "So, do you forgive me for freaking out and being a total bitch these past few days?"

"You weren't being a bitch," I say graciously and she lifts her head to give me an incredulous look. I chuckle and say, "Okay, maybe an ice queen, but not a bitch. But yes, I forgive you… Next time, just come to me and tell me when something is wrong. Okay?" I kiss her softly on the nose before I say, "Besides, I feel like I have a real talent for reigning in your crazy."

She gasps in mock indignation and pinches my side underneath my ribs. "I am not crazy!" she responds, laughing now.

"Yeah, I know… It's totally normal, rational behavior to almost end a relationship because you care about your boyfriend too much and he cares about you back…"

She laughs again, and says, "Just shut up, Peeta," before leaning up to kiss me again. She doesn't have to tell me twice. I have missed her too much these past few days. I will gladly shut up for a while if this how she intends to keep my mouth busy.


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