Chapter 12
Death by Heartbreak
After Edward excused himself and went into the bathroom I went upstairs to find something else to wear since my jeans had been defiled. Lucky for me I had left some of my clothing in my bedroom closet; I thought that it would make my mom feel like someday I would come home. Also, it gave me the opportunity to leave some of the clothing that reminded me of my past with Edward. I had left the dress I wore to the hotel, the dress I wore when we first had sex, and my sleeveless red summer dress. I decided to wear that one, I knew exactly why it meant so much to me; I wore this dress the last time I spoke to him two years ago before I ran away from everything. I wish I would have known that I would end up right back here dealing with the same shit, he could have saved his money on my air fare.
When I came downstairs Edward smiled at me, "Why did you discard your jeans? I rather liked them." He said opening the door for me.
"You ruined them that's what happened!" I hit him in the shoulder and he rubbed his shoulder like I actually hurt him.
"Ow! You're really strong for a human," he laughed but continued to hold his shoulder, "and by the way you ruined them with all your womanly juices." He laughed.
"Cullen who says womanly juices?" I laughed and bumped into him as we walked through the forest to get back to the party.
"I do because that's kind of what it is." He wrapped his arm around my shoulders.
"It's just a weird thing to say but I shouldn't be surprised you're weird anyway." I pulled away from him and took his hand instead, not that I didn't like the closeness it was just easier to walk this way.
"You like weird . . . matter of fact you love weird." He pulled me close and brushed his lips against mine.
"At this rate we'll never make it to the party," I spoke with common sense but my eyes were fixated on his lips begging him to kiss me again. He did as I wished and kissed me once more. He leaned me backward and gripped me firmly by the waist.
"You're right we need to stop playing around . . . for now." He smiled and steadied me on my feet.
As we got closer to the house I grew concerned about what type of situation are we heading into. A million scenarios ran through my mind, the one that scared me the most was that Alice could be back and at the party ready to hold me to my end of the deal. Alice coming back would be bittersweet, part of me still wanted to know if I was becoming human, that would predict my next move in my life. If I was becoming human it would really be hard for Edward and me to work, I couldn't allow him to change me it would go against everything my tribe stood for. I mean regardless of my feelings towards them it is how I was raised. I was supposed to believe that the 'cold ones' were bad . . . if we had that conversation it may hurt him. If I were still immortal somehow I could be with him . . . and I'm pretty sure I would be with him. I want to be with him but should I be with him?
"I think you should be with him." He whispered reminding me that he was still beside me and was contently eavesdropping on my thoughts.
"Bite me," I glared playfully.
"I will if that's what it takes to keep you with me, whether you like it or not. I know that's selfish but I will turn you if I have to." He gripped my hand tighter, "of course I would have to be sure that you really love me because even if I turned you, you could still leave me." His face filled with concern.
"Are you afraid that we will grow apart like you and Bella did?" His eyes lowered and he nodded.
"I think that's why it was so easy for me to give in to your wishes to be platonic at first, because it did make sense and I didn't want to lose you, but the reality is that I cannot be satisfied with that. Anything meaningful in this existence takes risk . . . and you mean everything to me." He wasn't being corny he was serious I could tell by the frown of his brow. This confession meant more to me than the simple I love you, it was real, it proved that he knew attempting this would not be easy and that he thought I was worth the risk, my heart tightened causing me place my hand on my chest to encourage the odd sensation to subside. I closed my eyes and as we walked and focused on my heartbeat, the wind whipped my hair back from my face and awakened me from the dream like fog that was my thoughts. Honesty, give him honesty, the dream lady's voice echoed in my head she was right it was time to come clean.
"I'm scared to . . . I'm scared that you will leave me like Sam did . . . and that scares me because I love you so much more than I loved Sam. I don't think that my heart would ever be able to recuperate if you broke it . . . that's why I'm being so guarded and that's why I'm giving this so much thought, we both have to be careful because we've both been burned before. I don't want to hurt you and you don't want to hurt me." I sighed thinking that it may just be hopeless for this to work.
"It can work. We just won't hurt each other simple." He smiled as if that was the easiest thing on this Earth but I knew we both knew better.
A few minutes later Edward and I stood at the door of my dad's building. He gripped my hand tightly again, "are you ready?" He asked.
"For what? I'm still not sure what is going on, is Alice in there or something?" I asked him I didn't want to be caught of guard honestly I would have thought that he would have let me in on what's going on by now.
"Alice is in the area I can smell her scent. Carlisle was hoping that I would be able to read her thoughts by coming here, he also wants to know a decision in regards to you and me so that he can prepare everyone accordingly." He frowned and looked around.
"Well can read the pixie leech's mind or not?" I huffed knowing that the little peace of mind that I thought I may be able to possess was going to be tainted by more bull shit.
"Her scent is really strong, but I don't hear anything, which leads me to believe that she's with Bella and that they are planning something." He looked at me with apologetic eyes; he must've known I was going to snap.
"Great!" I let go of his hand. "I knew that Bella wouldn't give you up that easily! I can't believe I let myself think . . ." Before I could finish my statement Carlisle joined us outside.
"Is there a problem?" He looked at both of us concerned. We both stayed silent, "Edward can I have a word with you?" He motioned for Edward to follow him.
"Yeah one second," Edward turned to me and made sure I we had eye contact, "Leah Clearwater listen closely to what I'm about to say because I don't want to have this conversation again, there is absolutely nothing for Bella to fight for where I'm concerned because I don't belong to her, I belong to you. We belong to each other."
"Edward I . . ." He placed his hand over my mouth.
"Unless you were going to tell me you love me I don't really want to hear what you have to say," he smirked.
"I was and unfortunately you've killed the moment." I pouted and he kissed briefly in front of Carlisle. The sensation was odd and the expression Carlisle wore was even more odd, I couldn't tell if he was really happy for us or if he was grossed out. I knew I wasn't exactly sure I was ready to PDA until I was sure about things between us.
"I'm sure there'll be other moments," he touched my cheek, "let me speak with Carlisle for a moment and then I'll meet you inside."
I stepped into the building and Ness came bounding over to me, with Rose hot on her trail. "Leah!" She hugged me and smiled at me like I was the most important person she knew. "Where have you been? I've been waiting for you all day!" She said as she squeezed me tighter.
"I was here earlier . . . I had to leave and clear my head." I smoothed her hair and she sighed contented.
"She was worried about you," Rose said, "I tried to tell her you were coming back but she still worried it must be an inherited characteristic."
"I wasn't worried really; more bored stiff, for the past thirty minutes Sam has held us prisoner while he serenaded Emily with these ridiculous sappy love songs." Ness rolled her eyes, "and they aren't even what are considered the popular sappy love songs they're all corny and annoying." I laughed Sam always did have interesting taste in music. I looked over to see if Emily was really enjoying his attempts to please her musically, she was wearing her fake smile, the one she wore when she didn't want to hurt somebody's feelings. It was funny to me that Sam had been living with Emily for years and didn't know when she was faking her happiness; it made me wonder what else she faked to please Sam.
"I guess I could try to liven the event up a bit!" I sighed and placed my hands on my hips. It slightly sucked that I was about to wow everyone with my awesome personality to add excitement to a party that wasn't even for me, but I was in a good mood so what the hell. I mean there was an extremely high possibility that I was going to get laid tonight and I didn't think anything could really bring down my internal buzz.
"Please do but first let me give you your birthday gift!" She squealed and handed me the gold glitter bag. "It's from Rose and me."
"Wow I wasn't expecting you to . . . thanks kid." I opened the bag and found a beautiful sliver and topaz tiara. I looked at the item confused it wasn't a very practical gift but it was really pretty. "Do you like it? I thought it would be good for you to have because sometimes people treat you bad this will be you own reminder that you are a queen, a goddess and should be treated as such."
"Yeah it's beautiful kid." I looked at the detail going around the crown and smoothed my fingers around its surface.
"It tells the story of the vampires and the shapeshifters . . . it's the story that brought us together." She smiled sweetly and I just ruffled her hair she obviously put a lot of thought into it.
"It's the best gift of the day!" I hugged her. "Thank you Renesmee . . . now about this party." I put my tiara so that the kid could see how much I appreciated it, if Sam didn't like my newest piece of jewelry he could kiss my ass, if he touched it I would kill him and I wouldn't think twice about it. I snuck over to Emily and sat beside her she looked at me as if I had lost my mind. "Hey cuz how goes the party?" I smirked.
"How do you think it's going my husband is serenading me . . . and has been serenading me for a half hour?" She smiled harder and I laughed.
"You could always tell him to shut the hell up. He would listen due to the imprint and all." I whispered she groaned, she hated trying to have conflict with her husband maybe that's why imprinted on her because she is so timid.
"I've already tried to stop him twice," she whispered and then frowned, "I don't know what type point he's trying to prove."
"Your guess would be as good as mine," I sighed and looked at the poor fool as he grinned at Emily like an idiot, "how about I save your party and get you're hubby out of the middle of the floor?"
"You're not going to hit him again are you?" She chided.
"That wasn't in the plan but that could work too." I laughed. As the song ended and he went to find another song he abandoned the microphone and I took it.
"Hey Sam!" I sang as I wiggled the mic in the air.
"What the hell are you doing Leah?" He frowned violently.
"Helping you wake up hon bun, look at your wife and your guests, do you really think they want to hear you sing another song?" He looked at everyone's faces and then stared at Emily analyzing her expression as she looked at him apologetically.
"I just want to have a little fun Sam." She smiled and spoke quietly. "It's not that I don't appreciate the sentiment, I'm just restless I want to move around a little." She squeezed his arm lovingly it seemed like she was almost afraid to speak her mind with him. I knew it I were ever to get married I could not and would not feel that way, my husband would have to know what was on my mind before anybody else did, hell sometimes it would be great if he knew what I thought before I even did. As I made this small revelation a certain mind raping vampire cross my path, and immediately changed my mind it was better that my thoughts remain my own.
"You almost threw a decent party until you opened you're mouth to sing!" I laughed but then quickly sobered. "When Emily and I were younger we used to love karaoke it least that gave everyone an excuse and an opportunity to sing badly."
"Oh Leah I haven't done karaoke in years!" Emily squealed and jumped up and down.
"Why not?" The last I checked you could purchase a stupid old karaoke machine just about anywhere.
"I don't get out much," she murmured and shot a glance at Sam. I almost felt a little bad for her it seemed like Sam was keeping her prisoner in her own home at least she didn't have to wear the stupid old house arrest bracelet. That shit would have never worked with me I would have killed him first yet another reason I'm not his imprint.
"My karaoke stuff is in the garage, I'll go get it." I said excuse myself from the 'happy' couple when I felt I slight pressure on my shoulder.
"Leah can I come I want to talk to you." Emily looked back at Sam and then back to me.
"It's a free country cuz," I walked pass Ness and she grabbed my hand. I guess that was her way of telling me she was coming too. I was glad that she tagged along I didn't feel like being with Emily alone with her in tow I was sure not to get caught up in a conversation I didn't want to have. Rose followed behind us as well I think she came to make sure that Ness had a way out if Emily and my conversation became heated.
When we reached the garage it was a mess mom really never came out here anyway, it was dad's domain she probably stayed away from this area to keep his memories locked away. That's one thing we had in common we liked to try to suppress the past and run away from the emotions that hurt too much. I ran my finger along the dusty workbench and sighed, my dad used to sit me up on the bench and talk to me while he worked on his car. He would tell me crazy stories about all sorts of old fables past down through our ancestors, he told this one that I called the super woman story; she possessed so much power that all of the creatures of the land obeyed her it was my favorite story and sort of wanted to be her. I wished I could remember all the details then maybe I could tell it to Ness one day.
"There are so many boxes in here!" Ness said snapping me back into reality. "Which one is your karaoke machine in?"
"Last time I checked it was over here," I moved the box and noticed a picture on the wall it was a picture of Sam and me. I was sitting on my dad's car and Sam was kissing me, he looked so young, we were so different then. I took the picture off the wall and stared at it. "I guess I missed one." I started to rip the picture into a billion pieces and Emily stopped me.
"Why do you two do that?" Emily huffed. "Why do you act like what you had didn't even exist? If the memories mean nothing to you, why destroy them? Why not just leave them alone and respect them for what they were?" What she said slightly pissed me off but I could get where she was coming from my actions would make any person assume that I wasn't over Sam.
"I try to destroy the memories before Sam gets the chance to. He is taking all of our memories and making them yours. Tonight's party is being held in the place where Sam and I shared our first kiss; it used to be one of the things that made me smile. Now it will be the place where he threw your 24th birthday party on my birthday. I don't why he's being so stupid I'm over him . . . so over him, it's like he wants to punish me for not mourning over him anymore." I said placing the picture on the work bench.
"I know he is still hurting over the loss of you. I mean don't get me wrong he loves me . . . trust me I know he does, but he dreams about you he says your name in his sleep. I confronted him once and he said that it was a nightmare . . . but if it was a nightmare why was he smiling?" She laughed disgusted, "I don't know if we will make it. I don't know if I can stay with a man that's still in love with my cousin." She looked at me like I was supposed to have some divine answer.
"Maybe he should get some therapy? Or maybe you two could join some type of couples therapy?" I said seriously then I heard Rose snicker from outside, "If you are going to listen you might as well come inside Rose." Rose came in and sat on a bench.
"May I add some advice and perspective?" She looked at Emily, "You should have given him proper time to deal with the emotions that came with this weird imprint thing. He had been in love with Leah for years he needed time to adjust and so did Leah. If you had both been thinking in terms of fairness you would have all sat down and discussed the situation before any rash decisions where made; distance and time produces clarity, things may have worked out differently in the long run. As for now, the damage has been done, the question you need to ask Leah is if she is in love with your husband? Actually she already answered it so now the next step is . . ."
"Asking Sam if he loves my cousin and," Emily sighed and let a tear roll down her cheek, "I'm pretty sure I don't want an honest answer to that one. I don't know if I will be able to live with it if I hear him say it." She touched her womb that carried her unborn baby inside. "I got pregnant hoping that another baby would help are bond but I feel like I'm hanging on by a thread." She allowed herself to sob and I held her.
"It's okay, everything will be fine, you are a strong woman and even if his answer hurts you will heal." I smoothed her hair. "I did."
"He's going to want you back!" Her wails became stronger, "I should have never been with him in the first place, it was good at first but I knew something just didn't feel right! Even with all that I still love him, I mean look at all he does for me! How could I not want to be with a man that looks at me the way he does?"
"Well then stay with him and don't ask him, if you can leave with the not knowing, he's imprinted he will do whatever it takes to make you happy, just deal with the not knowing and keep your man." I shrugged seemed simple enough to me.
"If that were me it would slowly drive me mad. If I suspected that Emmett was in love with someone else I would have to know the truth then I would probably kill them both." Rose mused. Then I thought about Edward, maybe I was going crazy because I wasn't completely sure he was over Bella, I mean yeah he got the divorce papers signed, but what if this was just some phase he was going through and one day he decided he wanted to go back to her.
"She's right it would drive me crazy!" She ran her fingers through her hair.
"You have to ask." Ness said now standing beside me, "no one deserves to live a lie when they don't have to." The kid smiled at me reminding of how mature and insightful she was. Emily nodded.
"I guess the next wedding we'll be attending is the Uley wedding part two." Emily laughed darkly; Ness looked up at me and frowned.
"Emily, I don't want Sam." I said as seriously. "That will NEVER happen." I shifted a couple of boxes to the side, and then found the box I had labeled with purple marker. "Found it!" I smiled.
"Hey," Emily touched my arm again and I looked at her she was trying to find a way to word what she was going to say, "Leah, if you are in love with someone and you think people won't approve, you should remember who you are and that you don't give a damn what people think." I knew what she was talking about.
"Who said I was in love with anybody?" I arched my eyebrow at her daring her to engage in the conversation further. I really need didn't advice in the love department right now, it seemed like I may be in a good place, and we may be on the verge of an awesome understanding.
"I just want to help you like you helped me." Emily said concerned. "If you love Ed . . ."
"Well thanks but it's not needed," I lifted the box, "it's time to party!" I cut her off quickly and made my exit from the garage. I knew how I felt about Edward, I had no doubts about it, that emotion wasn't the one that concerned me, jealousy and fear now those were the real bitches.
When we got back to the party everyone had gotten a drink and started conversing it looked more like a party scene and less like the funeral it resembled earlier.
"At least people are smiling now." Rose commented. We all nodded.
"I'll go set up," I took the box over to the stereo hook up, I kneeled on the floor by the behind the other music equipment looking for an available outlet after a few seconds of searching I felt a cold hand on my shoulder. "Hey." I whispered not bothering to turn around.
"Did you two have a nice talk?" He said commenting on my talk with Emily. He rubbed his hand along my back.
"Ummm . . . It was constructive I guess," I handed him a microphone, "set that on the table."
"She thinks Sam is still in love with you," he whispered, "that concerns me." He sighed obviously frustrated by the news.
"Why?" I turned to him and he really did look worried. Did he think that I would renege on my feelings for him just because Sam could be interested in me again? Sam hurt me and I would be fool to go back with someone so dismissive and controlling.
"Is everything okay over here?" Esme approached us with her generally pleasant nature disguising her actual intent of throwing a wedge between me and her son.
"Yeah, just setting up for karaoke . . . I'm going to get Seth to load some songs into the system." I said removing myself from a potentially devastating conversation. I found Seth playing cards with Embry; Ness was latched over Embry's shoulder. I watched as Seth took his turn and Embry looked at Ness then arched his eyebrows and made his move.
"I knew the little leech was feeding you info!" Seth threw his in the air like he was angry, Ness pouted angrily she really didn't like being called a leech. I had called her a leech only once and I gave her whole spiel on how she didn't really get the analogy, she said if it is based of the fact that leeches suck blood and so do vampires there are tons of different animals or insects that have the same characteristic, so why pick something that is all nasty and slimy like an leech.
"Seth, don't call her that!" I laughed knowing that she was put out.
"Sorry, Ness you know I don't mean any harm by it," he smiled and she just rolled her eyes.
"If it helps you are the prettiest little leech we know," Embry commented she looked at him then smiled slightly.
"I'm not that little, but once I'm older if either of you call me a little leech I'm going to write the word on a piece of paper and make you eat it," she laughed, "but you're right about one thing I'm pretty." She smiled at Embry again if I didn't know any better the little girl was sort of flirting with him, good thing Jake wasn't' near by he would have kicked Embry's ass just because Ness was giving him attention add on the fact that Ness may have her first crush . . . we'd have two big wolves in the middle of the dance floor.
"Yes Miss Ness Ma'am the word leech is now out of our vocabulary!" Embry laughed as he looked down at his cards. It seemed like Embry was totally blind to Ness' behavior, which again was a good thing because if he knew about it and let her still act that way it would be weird bordering on the line of gross. I would have to pull him to the side and fill him in, I wanted him aware of the situation so that he would be prepared if the little vamp girl tried anything crazy.
"Seth come load songs in the machine," I said while I poked him several times in the back. As soon as Seth got up Jacob took his seat wanting to be close to Ness but it was funny Ness seemed more into picking at Embry. "Weird," I said I continued to stare at Ness at the cards table.
"What? Oh Ness and Embry yeah it's kind of odd how they bonded. He usually hangs out with her when Rose brings her over to the Cullen's house, when you and your leech need some alone time." Seth smirked.
"Am I supposed to respond to that statement?" I tried to sound cold and pissed but it didn't come off that way.
"I expected you to confirm it or deny it," he looked at me bluntly. "But an omission is pretty much a confession."
"Confession of what I didn't say anything dweeb!" I growled slightly and nudged him.
"Of your undying love you Mr. Edward Cullen!" He laughed and I just shook my head at him. "Leah! Do you love him? I thought you were just . . ."
"Shut up Seth can't you just download the music silently?" I went to step away and he grabbed my hand.
"Hey, this is me, I don't want to hurt you and I'm not trying to be noisy . . . well maybe I'm being a little noisy. I just want to know where you're head is at, Edward is a decent dude . . . I'd understand if you did love him." Pressed a button on his computer and sent all of his files into the machine.
"Oh, I'm so glad I have your understanding!" I said dryly.
"So you do love him." He smirked.
"I didn't say that either! Look drop it okay!" A pain pinched in my chest and caused me to feel light headed. "Oh God!" I stumbled forward slightly.
"What's wrong!" Seth dropped his computer and rushed to me. "You okay?" He rubbed my back.
"Yeah I just need some water." He escorted me to the kitchen where Edward and Carlisle now happened to be sitting. Edward stood so that I could have his seat and he grabbed the glass of water before Seth could even think to.
"Seems like you're in good hands sis, do you want me to finish loading the music?" I just nodded I didn't want his worrying eyes glaring at me. Even when I drank the water the burning sensation continued to roar through me. It hurt so bad that I thought I was dying.
"What's the source of the pain?" Carlisle asked hopping into doctor mode.
"It's her chest she's been having pain in her chest similar to heart burn happens when she's stressed." Edwards said matter of factly.
"I'm sure you can handle bringing her stress level down. Call me if you need me." Carlisle smiled leaving us alone. Once Seth and Carlisle left the room Edward kneeled in front of me and placed his hand on my chest and rubbed the area in a circular motion, he must've known the pain I was in, he just rubbed the area taking away all of its pain.
After a few minutes, once the pain started to subside he touched my forehead as if he were checking my temperature, it wasn't until then that I realized that even though he was taking care of me he hadn't once made eye contact with not only that he hadn't spoken to me once. He rose to his feet and grabbed my glass to fill it back up with water.
"Thanks for taking care of me Cullen," he didn't look at me he just placed the glass on the table and started to walk away from me, "hey I'm over here showing you gratitude and shit at the very least you could say you're welcome. What's wrong who tied your panties in a knot?" I huffed.
"I'm not getting into this with you now. My concerns can wait until tomorrow." He said solemnly.
"Is this about Sam? I told you . . ."
"No, it's not about Sam, it's about you. I've spent the duration of the night speaking with Carlisle and Esme about my feelings for you and how you now share those feelings, Carlisle of course was not surprised by the news . . . Esme on the other hand . . . but then to hear that you alluded to your cousin and your brother that you feel nothing for me. It makes me question what I'm fighting for." He stared at me violently, "do you want to be with me?"
"Edward . . . I love you," I touched his arm and he jerked away.
"That's not what I asked you," he turned away from and went to exit the kitchen. I grabbed his arm forcing him to pause in his tracks.
"Edward please understand . . ." He pulled away from me.
"No more understanding Leah. I don't want a woman who refuses to be logical and stand up for what we have. I don't want you anymore." He hissed and threw the door open as he entered the party. My heart felt like it crumbled into a million pieces.
"What just happened?" I whispered into the nothingness, I crept over to the sink as the acid burn that attacked my chest traveled throughout my whole body and I began to perspire. I stood there with my mouth gapping open as the memories of Edward and I ran through my mind.
"I'm scared to . . . I'm scared that you will leave me like Sam did . . . and that scares me because I love you so much more than I loved Sam. I don't think that my heart would ever be able to recuperate if you broke it . . . that's why I'm being so guarded and that's why I'm giving this so much thought, we both have to be careful because we've both been burned before. I don't want to hurt you and you don't want to hurt me."
"He hurt me," a single tear ran down my face, to be fair I apparently had hurt him too. I took too long to make my decision and now I had missed out. I groaned in pain and clinched the sink for dear life.
"I know, I know I'm getting her," Rebecca laughed her way into the kitchen, "Leah we're ready for some karaoke action." I couldn't move I couldn't pretend that everything was okay, "Leah, are you okay?" The acidic pain took the moment in time to quadruple in magnitude, shooting all over my body and causing me to double over in pain.
"Go away Becca, leave me the fuck alone!" I growled.
"Okay . . . I'm leaving." I heard the door close. After she left I dropped to my knees in pain and gasped, I couldn't breathe. I could be okay with dying right now I mean I was doing anybody any good the only thing I had been doing is causing the person I care about most in this world pain. "I'm a monster!" I groaned and another tear left me as I gripped my chest in pain.
"You're not okay," Rebecca sat on the floor beside me held me in her arms and I was too weak to tell her where she could stick her sympathy, "honey what's wrong?" I shook my head I didn't want to talk to her and admit to the loss of Edward. "You gotta let out Leah it looks like you're holding your breath, breathe at least damn!" I inhaled deeply and a roar of sobs came out as I exhaled. I gripped Becca harder.
"It hurts so much!" With that I took my last breath, my heart stopped and I was trapped in darkness.
Author's Note:
Next chapter is important, I'm slightly blocked so I don't know if I'm in love with this chapter, it does however get me where I need to be for chapter 13. So the questions: Is Alice back? Is Leah really dead? Does Alice have something to do with Leah's heart stopping? Will Alice have the answer to what Leah is? Hopefully I will be able to answer the majority of the questions in the next chapter. As always read and review.
