I just heard that FF is thinking of pulling some of the M stories. I don't know any details but if this is pulled I will post it somewhere else…but where? If it's pulled I'll update a new link on my profile so you can find it. I don't know if this will happen but just to be safe I wanted to let you all know my plan.
Thanks again for all the love with the last chapter. I'm glad you're enjoying the human difficulties of a relationship. Drama Drama everywhere! Please review!
Angela and I rode to my house in silence. Jacob and Paul were friends. Jacob and Paul were friends. Paul called him brother. Jacob and Paul were friends. My mind couldn't process the information I had received. My two extremes, my love/lust in life was friends with my greatest fear. Jacob and Paul were friends.
"Bella?" Angela asked as we pulled in front of my house "are you ok"
"No Ange, I'm not…"
"Do you want me to come in? We can talk or just watch TV…."
"No, I just want to be alone."
"OK hon, I'll call you later ok, or you call me if you change your mind, I can always come over" she looked at me with such kindness and love that the tears I had been biting back with my anger came spilling ok "Oh Bella, Ok hon" Angela said as she held me in her little NoVa. I sobbed into her arms, feeling all of the pain and fear wash over me.
I let the tears wash down my face and didn't try to fight the heaving breaths I took. My body shook with the effort it took to hold itself up. I wanted to melt away, I wanted every cell in my body to separate and drift away. Anything so I wouldn't have to feel this way any more.
"Ok, shhhh, you're ok" Angela kept saying as she smoothed my hair and squeezed me.
Eventually my sobs slowed and I took a few steadying breaths. Pulling away from Angela I cringed at the look of concern in her eyes. I hated having anyone see me like this. "Thanks…" I said looking anywhere but at her.
"It's OK Bella, I love you; you're my best friend" she said ducking down, trying to catch my eyes. "Let's go inside OK?"
"I'm just gonna take a shower and crash I think. Thanks though."
"Ok, I'll still call you later though ok?"
"Yeah, thanks" I said, a few small tears slipping through the gates.
Angela looked at me and nodded and watched me go in my front door. When I got inside I went up to the bathroom and washed my face. The cool water felt good against my skin. I took out my phone and called my Dad hoping I would get Jean, the lady who answers the phones, and not him. But no such luck.
"Hey Dad."
"Hey Bells, what's going on, are you OK? Do you need anything?"
"No Dad I'm fine." I said smiling at his concern. Charlie was a really good guy. "I just wanted to call and let you know I'm home not in La Push"
"Oh, I'm glad you called, I was about to leave for the drive down there. What made you change your mind?"
"I just have a lot of homework" I lied, knowing that I could never tell Charlie about Paul.
"OK, well, I'll come home then"
"No it's OK, you should go down and see Billy, he was really looking forward to seeing you."
"You sure you're Ok kid?"
"Yeah, just tired is all" I said, which was in fact the truth. I was exhausted.
"OK, I won't be home too late"
"Sure sure, just, you know no drinking and driving, I'd rather you stay at Billy's or I can come get you."
"Haha Bells, you're a riot" Charlie said flatly. We both knew he would drink and he would drive home. Somehow being the chief of police didn't manage to make him any smarter about that.
"Bye Dad"
"Bye"
As I hung up on Charlie I saw that I had 2 new text messages, both from Jake:
Bella I'm sry, pls call me - Jake
B – pls – ru ok? pls call – Jake
I shut my phone without responding. I really had nothing to say to him. I couldn't even imagine speaking to him right now. I felt my stomach heave again. As much as seeing Paul had hurt what had thrown me for a complete loop was seeing Jacob pal around with him like they hang out all the time. In fact they probably did hang out all the time. They were at Sam's and Quil and Embry were there…
I felt the tears rising again, my eyes were raw and my body was exhausted. It had been a long day at school and then with Jacob in the garage and now this. It was more input then my brain could handle. I turned on the shower, heating the water up hot and stripped out of my clothes.
In the shower I let the water soak me, letting it run through my hair, drenching it and weighing it down against me. My hair was long now, down to my nipples. I'd always dreamed of having hair that went past my breasts, but it usually got damaged before then and needed to be cut. I washed it, breathing in the clean scent of my shampoo, letting the water wash away the ache in my heart.
My tears were still falling, but mixed in with the shower water it didn't seem as painful. I leaned against the tile wall, feeling the cool against my back in contrast with the heat of the water and I sobbed. I sat on the floor of the shower and held my knees to myself. All of the fear from the past 10 years washed over me, all of the pain of keeping it secret and not feeling like I could trust anyone. I finally do trust Jake and he turns out to just be another asshole. How could he hurt me like this?
I got out of the shower and dried my hair in my towel. Wrapping it around me like a dress I step out of the bathroom, holding my dirty clothes in my arms. As I walk into my room I gasp, seeing Jacob sitting on my bed.
"Go away." I say wearily, I didn't have the emotional energy to handle this, I could barely walk I was so drained, let alone talk to him.
"Bella, talk to me."
"Why?" I turned on him "You don't talk to me."
He blanched at that, knowing I was right. He had never explained Leah to me. I had let it drop, knowing from my Dad that it was a difficult subject, figuring he would tell me about it when he was ready, but now, I just didn't care, I didn't have it in me to worry about his feelings.
"I…look, I'm sorry, you're right I'm not good at, telling people things, but I will. Ok? I didn't realize Paul would be there and it wasn't until he looked at you that I realized…I fucked up again, I know I did, it's not something I think about much, I'm sorry."
"You may not think about it much but I've thought about it almost every day for the past 10 years. I think about it every time you kiss me, every time someone tells me I'm pretty, every time someone looks at me for a little too long, I wonder, is this the next person who's going to hurt me? You don't have to think about it, Jacob, I do. Now please, go away."
"No"
"You infuriating, immature ingrate, get the fuck out of my house!" I was yelling, my hands in fists at my sides. I couldn't do this, I wouldn't do this!
"Bella, I love you, I'm not going until you know that"
"Well then you might as well sleep on the couch because it's going to be a long fucking wait." I said storming out of my room and locking myself into Charlie's room. I grabbed one of his T-Shirts and a pair of old sweats and climbed into the bed. I hadn't slept in this bed since I was a little girl, and slipping under the covers now, so tired and so raw was soothing. I could feel my parents there, loving me and protecting me, telling me it was going to be OK after I woke from one of my nightmares.
I hugged one of the pillows and drifted off to sleep.
"Bella Baby?" I heard someone calling me. "Come on honey, wake up" I could hear my father's voice and smell his cologne but where was I…. "Bella, come on baby, let's get you in your bed"
"Daddy?" I said groggily, not sure what was going on.
"Come on Baby, you're too big for me to carry now" I woke up a little and remembered falling asleep in his room.
"Jake?" I asked looking up at Charlie.
"He's gone, I made him leave when I got home, come on Bells, you can tell me about it in the morning, let's get you into your bed."
I got up and Charlie walked me to my room his arm around my waist like he was afraid I was going to fall. I let myself lean into him, happy to have him home. My father and I might not be very good at expressing ourselves but I loved him so much. "Thanks Dad, I love you" I said leaning into him further.
"You too kid"
I got into bed and he tucked me in like he used to when I was a little kid, pulling the comforter right up under my chin and kissing me on the nose. "Night Bells, Sleep Wells" I smiled at his silly joke that he's been using since I was little and drifted back to sleep.
The next morning I woke to the smell of coffee and eggs. What Charlie cooking? He must be really worried about me. I threw on some clothes for school and put my hair back into a braid that fell down my back. My black pants fit snugly but I knew they looked good, Edward always told me my ass looked nice when I wore these. I had on a tank top with a short sleeve cardigan over it that pinched at the waist. I felt like crap and wanted to look half way decent for once.
I grabbed my phone after slipping on my shoes and had another text from Jake this morning.
Call me if u want a ride – luv u
That was all he had to say to me? After fucking everything yesterday he was worried about carpooling? What in the hell was going through his mind. I most certainly did not want a fucking ride.
I bounced downstairs and almost ran into Charlie. "Hey kid. Jake left your bag here for you last night. He said there was something in it for you." I sighed and looked at Charlie. He nodded and headed back upstairs. I knew he wouldn't push me about what had happened and I was so glad. If Renee was here I would never hear the end of it, and it would eventually turn into some kind of sob story about her life at some point in time. I love my mom, I really did, but I was so much happier living with Charlie.
I grabbed a cup of coffee and a piece of toast with jam on it, Charlie was defiantly worried about me if he ever put jam on the toast… I grabbed my bag and went to sit on the front porch. Inside there was an envelope with "Bella" written in Jake's staccato handwriting.
Bella – I'm sorry for yesterday.
I wasn't thinking, I should have told you Paul would probably be there.
Like I said, Sam is like the big brother for the Rez delinquents
We don't always get to pick who our friends are
Paul was one of the few guys who stood by me last year
A lot happened and I lost almost everyone
I promise I'll tell you the whole story if you'll let me
What he did to you was not ok and I don't expect you to understand
His being my friend has nothing to do with you
I never want to hurt you and I'm so sorry
I love you Bella, all I want is you
I will do anything you need
Just tell me what to do
Love forever – Jake
I sighed. I didn't know what to make of his letter. He defends Paul and tells me it has nothing to do with me? How could it not. How could he even want someone like Paul as a friend? Better to have no friends than him. I knew Jacob went through a lot but right now I didn't care.
I got into my truck and drove to school. I didn't want to be there when his bike went by.
I went straight to the library and texted Angela
10Q 4 yesterday – ur the best
I hadn't answered her calls last night and I didn't want her to worry. I stayed in the library reading Blake poems for English until I heard the first bell. I was able to get to Bio without seeing Jake. I knew I'd see him soon, I had most of my classes with him, I just had to fortify my heart a little before then.
Angela didn't say much to me in biology, we were starting a new chapter and it wasn't her strongest class so she was really working on taking good notes. Even if she wasn't though I knew she wouldn't push me. It was always a breath of fresh air to be with her. We walked together to our lockers where I found a red piece of paper taped to my locker.
Miss You – Jake
I sighed, I had to give him credit; he was trying. Angela looked at me and gave me a half smile "ok, I'm off to French. See you at lunch?" she meant it as a real question too, wondering if I would be hiding in the library or the bathroom again. I really was getting a reputation for being overly dramatic; I was going to have to work on that.
"Yeah, I'll be there", I leaned in and hugged her before scooping up my bag and heading toward English.
Outside the door was Jake, I saw him before he saw me, his backpack on the floor, leaning against the wall with both legs kicked out in front of him, crossed at the ankles. He was chewing on the nails on his left hand and had a wrinkle between his eyebrows. I couldn't deny that he was beautiful or that both my body and heart were reaching out toward him, begging for him to fix the ache in my chest.
He was the only one I could talk to about this, the only one I wouldn't have to explain it to, but he was also the one who had hurt me. I wrapped my arms around myself and walked up to him. "hey" I said glancing up at his face, noticing the strain in his eyes as he looked at me.
"Hey" he said awkwardly "I didn't know if you were talking to me, I'm glad you are" he leaned down to kiss my check and I took a step back. He reached back and put one hand on the back of his neck "Ok, I guess I deserve that"
"Bella, hey Bella!" I heard Alice call from down the hall. I looked up at Jake and forced a smile before turning to her. I really didn't want the whole school to know we were fighting.
"Hey Alice, what's up?"
"Just confirming Friday night! Do you want to all drive together or meet us there? Jazz got me a new CD I can't wait to listen too, it's all 30s songs to go along with our night!" Jake took the opportunity of having someone else there to put his hand on the small of my back. I took a small step away but he didn't seem to notice.
"Yeah, we're totally on!" he said to Alice. "I'm excited to see my little pixie in her natural element" he said smiling and batting his eyelashes at her.
"Jake! Stop flirting with me you big goof" she said, smiling a big bright smile, thoroughly enjoying the attention.
"How can I help it when you're so effervescent!?" he said, letting go of me and hunching down into a mock pouncing position. Alice squealed and batted at his arms as the came around her to life her into a hug.
"Don't make me hurt you" she giggled as he released her. "Ok, love you Bella" she leaned in to kiss me on the cheek "see you at lunch" she said and smacked Jake's ass as she walked away.
I laughed and shook my head "You two are trouble together"
"I like Alice, she's so…free"
"Yeah" I said wrapping my arms back around myself, knowing that I was distinctly not free.
He stood there and stared at me, I felt myself getting hypnotized by those eyes. His dark eyes could make me forget the world, all of my pain and anger started to melt away as I stepped toward him. I lifted my hand to put on his face but before I made contact the bell rang shocking me back to reality and I dropped it quickly.
I turned and walked into class, taking my new seat at the back of the room without saying anything to Jacob.
I watched him during class finding it impossible to concentrate on the lecture on Blake. His shoulders were wide and the slope of them from his neck to his arms was steep. I wanted to be held by those arms, to wrap myself up in him. I noticed that he and Edward were sharing the table slightly more equitably today. Even if Edward and I still weren't speaking I really didn't want there to be a constant issue.
I was so tired of there always being something wrong. There was a part of me that wished I could go back two weeks when things were simpler. When I knew who I was and what I wanted. But I hadn't really been happy then. Not like I was now, or at least not like I had been until yesterday afternoon.
We were reading sections aloud and I was called on to read a part of The Divine Image:
For Mercy has a human heart;
Pity, a human face;
And Love, the human form divine:
And Peace the human dress.
As I finished reading, I could feel those onyx eyes on me just like I had the first day he came to Forks High. I finished reading and looked at him, my breath catching at the pain in his eyes. As I sat down I could feel the tears pool in my eyes.
We walked to our next class together but didn't talk much. He kept his hands to himself but gravity kept pulling me into him. It was like he was the sun and I was pulled to his warmth. He was necessary for my survival and I knew it on an instinctual level. My body and soul were reaching out, dying a little every moment I kept myself from touching him, but my heart was still too bruised.
On our way to lunch Jacob stopped in the hall and looked at me. "What?" I asked, not wanting to do this now.
"Are we OK? I mean, I know we aren't right now but…are we gonna be?"
"Jake…"
"Look, I understand, you're pissed, I fucked up by not telling you about Leah yet and I fucked up again not thinking about Paul…I'm really sorry and I promise I'll tell you everything. I don't expect you to just forgive me but…I love you…I need to know we're gonna get through this." He looked at me with so much love and need. I bit on my lip hard to keep myself from rushing to him and telling him it was going to be OK. Why did I want to make this easier for him? Why did I feel the need to sooth him when he's the one who hurt me.
"I don't know" I whispered "I want us to get through this, I do" I looked up at him and felt the tears welling up in my eyes again "I just, need more time and…I need more honesty from you. I feel like I'm swinging in the dark, trying not to scare you or push you but never knowing what's going on."
"I get that Bells and…I'm sorry…"
I nodded, looking away from him and batting at the tears that were on my cheeks now.
"Look, let's just go to lunch OK? I don't want to do this here, maybe tomorrow…"
"Oh, don't you…I thought maybe after school" he stuttered, clearly not expecting me to want that much distance from him.
"I have to catch up on yesterday's homework and Alice and I were going to work on putting together outfits for Friday night" I rolled my eyes at the thought. Only Alice could get me to plan clothes.
Jake smiled weakly, it wasn't what he wanted but at least I wasn't saying I just didn't want to be with him. He leaned forward at kissed my forehead, "I love you Bells, whatever you need ok, anything, just don't give up on me." I sighed again and nodded, letting myself lean into him for a moment, enjoying the warmth of his body.
He wrapped his arms around me but I pulled back shaking my head before I lost myself completely in him. "Come on" I said, putting my arm through his and heading towards the cafeteria.
That afternoon I drove over to Alice's house for some girl talk, homework and a game of dress-up the Bella. There was nothing I wanted to do less than listen to a lecture from Alice about the miracle of lip gloss, but somehow she always managed to make me laugh and have a good time before I even realized what was going on. Alice's energy was exactly what I needed today.
"Bella! I'm so glad you're here! You took forever driving over. Isn't dating a mechanic supposed to mean your car runs better?" she laughed as I walked in the front door.
We walked past Edward sitting at the dinning room table and up to Alice's room. He looked at me and smiled as we walked past but didn't say anything. That was better, the last thing I wanted to deal with was Edward being an ass today.
Alice flitted through magazines, talking about which celebrity was having whose baby while I finished off my physics assignment from class today. "How is it you never have any homework?" I asked her, wishing I could have as much time as she always seemed to.
"Oh, I do most of it during Spanish Lit, the teacher spends the whole class trying to get people to understand the Spanish we never talk about the literature and since I get A's on all the tests she doesn't really care what I do."
"When did you live in Spain again?" I asked, remembering she was bi-lingual but forgetting how old she'd been there.
"Well, we were born in Germany and then lived in Burma for a while. I think we were in Spain from like 6-9…."
"No, we were older" Edward said from the door way "I think we were 11 when we moved to the states, and you forgot about the year in Sri Lanka"
"It's so amazing that you guys have been so many places." I said, rolling over onto my back and looking out Alice's window. Edward came in and sat on the floor in front of his sister.
"Yeah, it was cool I guess, but we never really had any friends"
"That must be why you're such a social impaired" Alice said poking him with her foot. I laughed and rolled back onto my stomach, looking at the twins.
"It must have been nice to always have each other. I mean, it was always just me growing up."
Edward and Alice both smiled at me, the same crooked smile and I warmed to them both immediately. Edward and I may have broken up but we used to be friends and it was nice to have him sitting here with me, relaxed, not trying to prove anything. It was almost like he was a different person when he wasn't in school.
"OK, I'm tired of homework" Alice said even though she hadn't done any. "Let's figure out what to wear"
"I can't believe she talked you into going to this place with her." Edward said looking at me.
"Why…what isn't she telling me?"
"Edward, don't you say a word" she said glaring at him
"Let's just say, it's not someplace I would have ever taken you" he laughed and Alice through a high heeled shoe at him.
"Oh god, what are you getting me into?" and with that Alice started pulling clothes out of her closet, holding them up and modeling different options. Edward and I sat on the floor of her room laughing and mocking her. When she pulled out the blue bob cut wig and the white boostier I started crying with laughter.
"Alice, where do you get this crap?!?" Edward hollered, tears rolling down his face.
"See Bella, I told you I could get him to cry before the week was up!" she squealed, setting us off on another bout of laughter. I could hardly breath I was laughing so hard. Edward had collapsed into my lap holding his sides in pain.
"Oh god, Oh god" he laughed.
"I think I'm going to have to pick my own clothes" I said, out of breath from laughing
"Ohhh, no you don't! You are not going out in jeans!" She said it as if I was suggesting I go out in a suit made entirely of kitten fur.
"Alice, you don't really expect me to wear that do you?" I asked, pointing at the backless mini dress she was holding.
"Come on Bella, let's find you something" Edward said standing up and reaching his hand out to me. I smiled up, knowing that he would defend me from Alice's desperate desire to have a life sized Barbie doll.
After we had taken pretty much everything out of Alice's closet, we finally found something we could all agree on wearing. Tragically Edward and I were unable to convince Alice that the blue wig was a fashion don't.
We ordered pizza and all laid on the Cullen's couch watching some movie about a teenage werewolf until Dr. Cullen came home. He seemed surprised to see me but smiled before he whisked upstairs to change his clothes.
When the movie ended I hugged Alice goodbye and waved to Edward. As I was gathering my stuff up in Alice's room Edward came in and sat down on her bed. "Hey Bella"
"Hey" I said cheerfully, having enjoyed my afternoon.
"Look, I'm just glad you came over today and that you don't completely hate me." He said looking at his hands.
"I don't hate you Edward, you're a prick and I'll have to warn your next girlfriend but I don't hate you." I smiled and he looked up at me.
"Ok then, well, I had fun today anyway so, yeah" he said looking at his shoes and then walking out.
I checked my phone before leaving and had one text from Jake
Gd nit beautiful – I luv u
I know a lot happened in this chapter. I tried not to rush it. I hope it came out ok
So will Bella and Jake be OK? What's up with Eddie? Where is this place they are going Friday night?
Comment Please! Your reviews totally keep me inspired! Thanks!
