I enjoy reading the reviews. Sorry I've been busy with different works and I'm terrible at replying to your reviews individually, but I assure you I read each and every one of them again and again.
Thank you so much for Lady Winterlight to introduce the history of videotape and all the readers who left comments about May's character. I feel I am understood by you and I can offer something you may want to read. I think it's precious.
Coulson sat at the table and watched May fiddle with her fork and take bites of pasta in her plate slowly. He had the guilty feeling that he himself must be part of the reason why she lost her appetite. The last thing he wanted was to keep their argument overnight.
He swallowed the lump in her throat. "I'm sorry about earlier." he said.
"About what?" May put her fork down.
"What I said on the phone." he said cautiously, "But I sincerely think it's better for Skye if we keep her as long as possible. Can we talk about that?"
May let out a strange half laugh. "Are you sorry because what you said was not true, or you shouldn't say it in such straightforward way?" she asked, as if she didn't hear his peace-offering at all.
He was dumbfounded by her question and had no clue what to repsond. Only a second of hesitation and her face had slipped under a coat of distant calm.
"There's nothing to apologize for." she looked at him and a sad smile surfaced, "I have my reason. You have yours. And now I agree you made the right call, so let's just carry on with it. I won't suggest anything like that again."
That wasn't what he expected at all. He had prepared for some serious debate and thought about all the scenarios where he couldn't change her mind, but things went far smoother than what he had imagined. That being said, Coulson couldn't feel the slightest triumph. She seemed hurting, and he was confused. He was about to ask her about it when she arose and took her plate to the kitchen.
"You should get some sleep. It must be a couple of exhausting days for you too." she looked over her shoulder and said.
He stared at her back, bewildered. "Thanks, I will. Just leave your plate at the sink. I'll deal with it in a minute." he said.
There was a clink before she reappeared. "Thank you." she smiled at him gratefully, "Good night."
"Good night." he mumbled.
The next morning, Coulson waited outside while May did her daily training.
"How long have you been standing here?"
He snapped out off his deep thoughts and straightened up. May just opened the door of "training room" and was looking at him with rising eyebrows.
She was in black tank-top and shorts, with a violet towel around her neck. Her skin was glowing coated with a layer thin sweat from working-out. She was breathtakingly beautiful.
"Not long." He struggled to clear his throat, "Can I come in?"
She sighed tiredly, "I don't feel like talking, Phil" But she did step aside and allow him to come in.
"Who said anything about talking?" he said innocently, settling himself on the floor
"Are there any reason why you have to corner me here?" she asked and took the spot in front of him, standing with her arm crossed. He shut his mouth. "Where's Skye?"
"In her room playing the Legos you got her. Don't worry. She knows where to find us." he reassured her, "By the way, that's really good thinking, the toys."
"I understand normal human emotion, Phil." She looked down at him, showing no intention to sit down. Now he knew under her static expression was May being all wound up and defensive.
"Of course you do." he said, a little apologetically. "Melinda, please forgive me for what I said yesterday. I was upset about Skye and wasn't thinking. I know how much you care. "
"Do you?" she murmured.
"How about you tell me?"
"It's not important."
"It is." he insisted, " I don't want to make the same mistake again."
"Why should I explain myself to you?"
Prompted by the tension in the air, he was dangerously close to say "Because I'm the Director" but stopped himself in time. Instead he said, "Because I want to understand. I may be dense but I can see how much you are hurting right now."
"That's some wishful thinking." She conjured up an arrogant smile, "Nothing can hurt me. Not any more." Her lips were tightly tucked under her porcelain-white teeth. She deliberately looked away.
Coulson's heart ached. He knew she didn't mean that she was invincible. "It's not only for this time, isn't it? I had been unfair to you before. Jump to conclusion and accuse you wrongly."
May looked back at him through her dark eyelashes. "You died." she murmured, oblivious to what he had said.
"And you mourned for my death." he said gently, more as a reminder to himself than simply stating the obvious. The thought had tormented him the previous night. He had been so engrossed by the anger for being hidden from his own death to note that. Only when he lied in the darkness of another universe, did he start to realize how much May had buried in. She acted along all the way, listening to him babbling about Tahiti through the phone, assuring him that he was the same person after he discovered his death, and fighting tooth and nail only to answer his question. Shocked by the series of twists and turns, he had forgot to say thank you properly.
She shook her head, "You're alive. It doesn't matter any more."
"It matters to me. Your feeling matters to me Melinda." he saw her shoulders tense up, but it wasn't enough for her to open up, so he changed his approach, "Besides, I have the right to know."
It wasn't surprising that the last sentence was the key to crack her defense. "Fine." Finally giving up, May walked to the other end of the room, sat down and tucked her feet underneath. She looked outside the window. "They scheduled a memorial. That's how I found out, internal calendar." she snorted bitterly, "And you thought I had been in on this alongside Fury."
He wiped his face warily - it's gonna be a long day.
"It wasn't hard to get into prep-committee from Administration. Though it was the last thing I could do for you." she shrugged, like it wasn't a big deal. "Audrey came to talk to me - I was surprised she even recognized me - said she wanna play cello on the memorial. She said your favorite was Memory by Joe Hisaishi." she paused and cast a quick glance at his direction, "Her performance was beautiful."
He loved that song indeed. He wondered if May knew that she was the reason why he obtained that love. After hearing that he wanna learn more about Cello so that he could really appreciate his girlfriend's work, she took him to watch the movie Departures, and the melody of its theme song stuck in his memory ever since.
"Thank you. That sounds like a perfect event I would like to have." It felt surreal to talk about it, but he smiled.
"Don't joke about it." she glared with a hard, stony express.
"Sorry."
"When they lowered the coffin to the grave, Audrey almost couldn't hold herself upright." she continued softly, "She loves you very much."
She did, and he failed her anyway. Coulson decided things would be the best staying the way it was. By stepping up as Director of S.H.I.E.L.D., he had sworn to dedicate his life to the reconstruction of S.H.I.E.L.D., and that meant he would never give her the life she wanted, a family of four in a small town, peaceful and cozy. He was dead to her, and that was the epilogue. He had made reconciliation with this decision for months now. He loved Audrey, who represented the typical happy life he had always been taught to love growing up - a nice job, a small family living in a lovely house. He couldn't deny it was indeed an appealing prospect, but he chose to live differently - living at knife-point and facing the world's most dangerous culprits, in order to save the people like the superheroes he admired. And Melinda May was with him in this life from the beginning.
"You keep talking about Audrey. " he observed quietly.
She only shrugged, "So?"
"What about you?"
She looked down, startled. "I...I don't know."
"Melinda."
She sighed, defeated. "Things like this take a long time to sink in. When your day is endlessly pushing paper, it's easy to pretend that the world just stops." She paused and swallowed, "I jumped at the chance when Fury approached me. And I never for a minute regret it," she stressed slowly, "no matter how pissed you still are."
The truth was, he hadn't got over his anger entirely, even though he understood May had done it out of good intention. "You could've told me the truth." he insisted stubbornly.
He didn't expect to see her whirled around at his word. Her eyes were dark and glassy. "How could I?" her voice raised, "What should I say? That I'm here to protect you until I have to cross you off? That I don't care how much you hate me because I accepted the fact that you would anyway the moment I took this mission? That every morning I wake up and fear that today will be the day, and yet I have to face it." She lowered her head and inspected her slim fingers over her lap. "You died." she spoke hoarsely, "It was hell. And knowing that the next time it might be..." He suspected he heard her choked. "It's hell." she concluded, her voice barely audible.
It was odd to sit with somebody and learn the possibility of being killed by her. He suddenly realized despite the fact that he had known what her mission was for awhile, he never really thought it through. He had such a strong, albeit subconscious belief that May would always act in his best interest, even the prospect that she might shoot him in the head wouldn't change that. However, watching her curl up against the wall lost in her own thoughts, he started to process what the whole thing might mean to her. Honestly there was too much for him to take in, and all he could think about how thin her outfit was for such a morning in early winter. He might be imagining things but he believed she was starting to shiver.
"Melinda, I..." he started.
"Don't. I don't wanna hear it." she breathed in deeply, "We saw what that GH formula did to Garrett. I don't care how much you are tired of me inspecting your every move, but I have to. All I want is to make sure you're safe."
He was tired, and scared too. He was afraid that he would fail his young agents, and fail her. Life was hard on both of them.
"Wrestle with me." he swallowed tentatively.
"What?" she turned around and raised an eyebrow.
"Like the old days."
"I don't see why..."
"I know you don't wanna hear my apology, and I won't compromise on my duty as Directer. I can't promise any change in the near future, but at least right now...Hand-to-hand combat training always helps you relaxed."
She stared at him for a few seconds, and then, much to his relief, she stood up.
"I'm an idiot sometimes. You have every right to be angry at me." he dared to smile at her a little and get ready in position, "Don't bury it. Let it out."
She was holding her stance. Her eyes on him were filled with defensiveness and doubt. He chagrined - it might have been too late after all - and decided to make the first move.
The next thing he knew, he was on the floor. He grunted when his back hit the edge of the training mattress. He could definitely feel his age now.
He looked up and May was looking at him from above with an emotionless face. "Stand up." she gritted her teeth and said almost threateningly.
He jumped to his feet as swift as possible, not wanting to show any sign of defeat. Before he even landed, a sweep took him off balance and he was on the ground again.
"Okay, that's cheating." he bit back a growl and tried to joke lightheartedly. His second attempt to get up was ended by an iron arm two inches above his throat.
He looked up, and there was Melinda May, with one arm bracing against the floor next to his head and the other loosely pinning him down. Her cheeks flushed and she was panting way heavier than she should be. Her eyes were on him but Coulson was almost sure she was looking past him. Her breath brushed over his face like a breeze and it smelt like fruits. Right in his view was the scar over her collarbone, obtained during their undercover mission after Cybertech in Italy. What remained was a faint snake-like white line now. He recalled the time when he helped her glue the wound; his finger grazed her skins and she refused to make much noise.
Mesmerized by the memory, he lifted his hand and touched the thin white line over her skin. "You were hurt." he said idiotically.
May jerked at his touch but she didn't push away. In fact, her eyes seemed to refocus on him this time.
Taking that as an encouragement, Coulson circled his arm around May's waist and pulled her close.
Her body went limp as she lowered herself to his body, clasping onto the floor face-down. Half of her body were still draped over his.
He relaxed a little, half concerned and half amused. His hand gently kneaded the tension in her shoulder blades. It always had been the only kind of intimacy they shared outside undercover missions. It only took place in either in med-bay or in gym, where they supported and looked after each other.
He couldn't see her face - she kept hiding it in the space between his shoulder and the floor. Her breath was irregular though, switching between small sniffs and hitched sounds. Coulson knew it was him who cornered her and made her go through a hard time. He had thought it would be helpful for their relationship, but he wasn't so confident anymore.
Apologetically, he stroked comforting circles on her back. Her skin was cool under his touch. His own breathing was loud in the silence. He tried to synchronize it with May's and those were the only sounds in his ears.
They both lost in their own thoughts until a small squeaky voice rang from the outside. "AC? May? Why are you fighting?" Skye asked worriedly.
Coulson cleared his throat, "We are not fighting kid. " he nudged May gently. With a groan, May shifted away from him and sat up against the wall. Coulson chuckled to himself and followed. "You can come in, Skye." he called out.
The door opened and revealed the fluffy head of Skye's. "What happened?" She darted glance between May and Coulson.
"We are just sparring. Sorry it got a little too loud." Coulson said while he beckoned to the girl.
Skye came and sat near his foot obediently. "But why is May so unhappy?" she asked solemnly.
"Well," Coulson sneaked a glance at May's direction; May appeared to be in a meditation posture. "I won." He swore May's lips tugged up a little.
However, Skye was quick to defend her mentor. "Lier." she looked at Coulson challengingly, "May is the best. She never loses."
Coulson wrapped his arm around the girl's shoulder and looked into her eyes. "Winning and losing take their turns in one. That's life." he said in earnest, "but you're right. May is the best of all of us."
Skye blinked, puzzled, and then she smiled sweetly.
A bit of angst between two seriously struggled people.
Hope you enjoy reading. Happy Chinese New Year of Ram/Goat/Sheep to you all! 新年快乐,万事如意:)
TBC
