A/N:: This is dedicated to all the readers, the people who reviewed, and most specially... Dan. A part of me kind of hates you because you make me so happy, and without misery, writing can become god damn difficult. I love you, turd.
I can smell it. So thick. So distinct. I remember it from Vietnam as boys walked, knowingly, towards their death.
Fear.
"I can't believe Adrian actually…"
Dan is navigating Archie through the sharp, bitter cold of the artic. His teeth grit together as he attempts to conclude his sentence.
"Betrayed us all." Rorschach finishes it for him. Stubborn and refusing to sit, the shorter man stood between Dan and myself. Rorschach was resolute, but I could even smell apprehension coming from him… Of all people… It wasn't very surprising to me that Dan was the most nervous. He quit a long time before us. He's out of shape and rusty… and he's going against Adrian. I feel…
I don't know how I feel.
It's not fear. I don't value my life so I have no reason to fear dying. But I feel… anger, bitterness, betrayal, a broken heart. He was supposed to be our friend. Our ally. He shook our hands at the funeral. Grieved with us. I looked into the face of Eddie's murderer and didn't even know it. If I were alone I'd probably cry, but the presence of Rorschach and Dan is all too overwhelming. The tears don't come; they are just replaced with frothy rage.
"He has to pay." Comes my whisper.
I look towards Dan and see him chewing on his lip. His gloves tighten around the control wheel.
"I think we are jumping to conclusions here. I mean, so many things don't make sense. There are too many holes. What could Adrian possibly be planning with all this?"
"Pushing nations into World War III." Rorschach answered immediately.
"This is Adrian for God's sake! We know him! He never killed anybody, ever. Why would he want to destroy the world?"
It was a good question. What would Adrian gain from all this? Dan was right. Things didn't make sense. What would all out war and nuclear holocaust do for Adrian?
"Insanity, perhaps?" rumbled Rorschach.
Dan let loose a cynical laugh. "Well, that's a tricky one… I mean, who's qualified to judge something like that? This is the world's smartest man we're talking about here, so how can you tell? How can anyone tell he's gone crazy?"
I purse my lips as he says this. Adrian. The smartest man in the world. Jesus Christ, what were we getting ourselves into? I didn't even have any weapons on me. Not even my brass knuckles. Any guns or knives I had were confiscated by police when I was arrested. I felt naked.
"Do you hear that?" Dan asked.
Rorschach and myself listened. A sputtering sound was coming from Archie. "Shit! The engine is kicking. I bet it's the ice. I had him soaking on a riverbed all yesterday, then I bring him to sub-zero temperatures! Why didn't I think-" as Dan continued to berate himself, Archie started to slowly go down in altitude.
My fingers dug into my chair, "Daniel… coming in too low towards the cliffs." Rorschach interjected.
Cliffs. It was a giant white wall of ice and we were heading straight for it. My heart began thumping in my chest. Just our fucking luck to die in a crash collision before we can even save the god damn world.
"Pull up!" I yelled.
Dan frantically pushed at buttons and tugged at the wheel, "I'm trying! I'm trying to pull him up, damnit! Wait! Wait, I think it's coming around! I think-"
Archie started to climb up the side of the wall. I held my breath in.
"Made it!" Dan declared as Archie cleared over the cliff. I let loose a long exhale.
"Daniel, engine just stopped."
"What?"
"What?" Dan and I yelled in unison.
Rorschach repeated himself just as Archie started to plummet downwards.
"Hold on to something!"
There was no time to find something to hold on to. Archie slammed into the ice. The impact threw me forwards. My head slammed against the front glass. Rorschach flew sideways, Dan held onto the wheel and was pretty much left unharmed.
"Shit." I groaned as I stood. My head was throbbing so hard that it hurt to open my eyes.
"Everyone okay?"
"Twisted ankle. Nothing serious. Landed on it badly night police took me."
"How's the head, Q?"
"I'll live…"
Dan quickly stood from his seat and went to get his artic owl coat.
"How bad is damage to ship?" Rorschach asked.
"Nothing I couldn't fix given a few hours. It will have to wait until we get back." Dan answered.
"If we get back." Rorschach corrected.
Dan paused putting his gloves on and looked towards me. "Uh, yeah… If…" he looked back down again.
The walk was long… and cold. I grabbed one of Dan's spare artic coats. Rorschach had nothing but his trench coat. We had no idea what we were walking towards. The wind howled and the cold cut through you, stealing your very breath. No one bothered to talk. We couldn't hear each other anyways and the temperature kept us quiet. As the journey continued, the outline of large pyramids came into view. Adrian's fortress. I felt the knot in my stomach begin to tighten.
Getting in was easy enough, perhaps too easy. Dan and I abandoned our artic coats and joined Rorschach as we looked around. The place was massive and very quiet. It didn't seem like anyone was here. You'd expect at least someone to be walking around. A maintenance man or a scientist, but there wasn't. The fortress was empty. But then we heard the faintest of sounds. Dan looked towards me, his face scrunched up as he was trying to figure out the sound.
"Silverware." I whispered.
We followed the sound, going down a flight of stairs. Every step was careful. Every breath was restricted. As we reached the bottom of the steps we saw him. He was sitting at a long dining table and eating a meal by himself. We hid behind pillars as we watched him. My eyes went to Rorschach. His plan was going to be Restrain First, Ask Questions Later and there Adrian was… All by himself.
All I could think about was how easy it was that we got in. If he was really behind all this, if Adrian really had gone crazy… wouldn't this be more difficult? I couldn't say anything. Not now. It was too late. His back was turned to us. We approached him from behind. Rorschach was first. He lunged at him.
It all happened to fast. In five seconds, Rorschach was pinned to the table by a fork, Dan had a bloody nose, and a chair had been slammed against my back. I knew it wouldn't be easy.
"What can I do for you?" Adrian's cool, even voice spoke over Rorschach's grunting as he attempted to free his arm from the fork. I pushed myself into a standing position.
"You know what this is about! Pyramid deliveries are behind this whole mess, and you're behind Pyramid. Christ, Adrian. What are you trying to do?" Dan spoke through his bleeding nose.
Adrian picked up a wine glass, sipped his drink, and turned his back to us. It infuriated me. Infuriated me to no end how-how… confident he was to turn his back on three enemies. As if we were nothing to him. As if we were just children interrupting his work.
"What we all tried to do, after our initial struggles to find our feet. I'm just trying to improve the world. Like when I started out." Adrian answered calmly. Rorschach finally pulled the fork from the table.
"My first case made it seem possible to end injustice by demolishing crime syndicates. This notion, that criminals monopolized evil was itself demolished by my second case. I realized then how bad things were. I continued adventuring but it seemed hollow. I fought only the symptoms, leaving the disease itself unchecked."
As Adrian spoke, Rorschach tried to stab him in the back with the fork. Adrian foresaw this. He grabbed Rorschach's hand, pulled his head down sideways by his mask and then punched him in the face. I went at him with a punch. He kneed me in the stomach. I doubled over. He placed his foot firmly on my backside and shoved me onto the floor. He did this all while speaking. He didn't miss a beat. He didn't lose concentration. It was humiliating.
He continued speaking as if Rorschach and I had not just attacked him, "I despised myself… my sham crusade. Knowing mankind's problems, I'd blinded myself to them. I felt helpless against forces greater than I anticipated. Too cowardly to confront my anxieties, I had life's black comedy explained to me by the Comedian himself at the Watchmen meeting in '66."
My breathing grew heavy and my teeth ground together as Adrian spoke of Eddie. Dan was helping Rorschach up when I sprung to my feet and grabbed a steak knife from the table.
"He discussed nuclear war's inevitability; described my future role as 'Smartest guy on the cinder'… and opened my eyes. Only the best comedians accomplish that."
He had no right… no right to talk about Eddie! I attempted to stab him in the mid-section, but he was just too fast. He grabbed my wrist and twisted my arm. I let out a cry of pain. My tendons and bones were on the verge of breaking.
"-I remember the charred map between my fingers. That's when I understood."
He gave my arm another aggressive twist and I finally dropped the knife. He let me go and I released a hiss of pain towards my hurt arm.
"That's when it hit me. I left the meeting. Outside, Blake argued with Laurie and her mother. I swore to deny his kind their last black laugh at the Earth's expense." Adrian began to walk towards an adjacent room. Cautiously, we followed him.
"I realized that as tensions and possibility of nuclear war rose, the elevation of costumed heroes became a descent. I foresaw that by the late seventies, it would reach bottom. This left ten years to build a fortune to sustain me beyond that point, allowing me the power and leverage I'd surely need."
Jesus Christ. He's been planning this shit for over ten years? He led us into one of the giant glass pyramids. An icy wasteland surrounded us. It made me feel trapped. A low growl suddenly started. It wasn't just any growl. This sound reverberated in your chest and made your hair stand on end. It belonged to a very large animal. From the shadows, a large cat emerged. It was purple and was not a species that I knew of. Its head was low as it approached. Its dark eyes remained on me, Dan, and Rorschach as it took its place at Adrian's side.
"Each step had to be taken carefully, constantly striving to keep in mind the enormous scale of what was at stake! The Earth. Humanity. All we've ever known… 'End of the world' does the concept no justice. The world's present would end. Its future, immeasurably vaster, would also vanish. Even our past would be cancelled. Our struggle from the primal ooze, every childbirth, ever personal sacrifice rendered meaningless, leading only to dust, tossed on the void-winds. Save for Richard Nixon, whose name adorns a plaque on the moon, no human vestige would remain. Ruins become sand, sand blows away… All our richness and color and beauty would be lost… as if it had never been."
I had no idea what the fuck he was talking about. All I could catch was that he foresaw the world coming to an end and planned to do something about it. But all these words were simply whirling around in my head, but I didn't understand. If he wanted to save the world, why kill people? Maybe Rorschach was right. Maybe Adrian is insane.
"Each step was synchronized. Jon, being too powerful and unpredictable to fit my plans, needed removing. Thus, dimensional developments hired his past associates-"
"And gave them cancer?" Dan interrupted.
"Yes. Weaver first, Slater and Moloch later. Unwittingly exposed to radiation, they were closely observed, cultivated as weapons against Jon. Meanwhile, taking advantage of new technology, I researched genetics… Bubastis was an early success. Around the same time, I began working with Jon to find ways to could copy his energy…" he pet the large cat's head. The mammoth creature rubbed against Adrian in affection. "…and teleportation."
"The only hero retaining public sympathy, I quit two years before the Keene Act, concentrating on my plan. Unable to unite the world by conquest… Alexander the Great's method… I would trick it; frighten it towards salvation with the history's greatest practical joke. That's what upset the Comedian when awareness of my scheme crashed in upon him: professional jealousy."
Rorschach pointed an accusing finger at Adrian. "Blake's murder. You confess?"
"Confession implies penitence. I merely regret his accidental involvement." Dan held me by the arm to keep me from charging at Adrian once again.
The cocky fuck. Eddie. Jealous of him. The thought of it made my blood boil.
"What he found out must have been a terrible blow. Imagine… the perfect fighting man discovering a plot to put an end to war… an end to fighting."
"What do genetics, Jon's powers, and teleportation have to do with ending war?" Dan asked.
"Everything." Answered Adrian. "What Blake had found out was a collection of scientists constructing a large machine. Upon learning the intended purpose of the machine, Blake's practiced cynicism cracked. Though appalled, exposing my plan would participate greater horrors preventing humanity's salvation. Even Blake balked at that possibility, telling only Moloch, who he knew wouldn't understand… But I had Moloch's place bugged, and I understood perfectly."
I remembered that Moloch had said… The Comedian had come to him crying. At the time, I couldn't believe it. He had been crying because all this fucked up shit was happening. Right under everyone's noses… and he couldn't do anything about it.
"The plan Blake had uncovered was this: to frighten governments into co-operation, I would convince them that the Earth faced imminent attack… from Dr. Manhattan. I'm afraid the discovery rather drove the wind from his sails."
Jesus Christ. Jesus fucking Christ.
Dan began laughing. "Adrian, come on, what… You're serious?"
Adrian's face became grave. "Perfectly. An intractable problem can only be resolved by stepping beyond conventional solutions. Alexander understood that two thousand years ago. Blake understood too. He knew my plan would succeed, though its scale terrified him. That's why he told nobody. It was too big to discuss… but he understood. At the end, he understood. He understood the portents, knew a dazzling transformation was at hand for mankind. The brutal world he'd relished would simply cease to be, its fierce and brawling denizens rushing to join the mastodon in obsolescence… in extinction."
"You FUCK!" I yelled. I could feel my face turning red from anger. But that cat. That damn fucking cat kept circling Adrian. Dan's grip tightened around my arm to keep me still.
Adrian continued as if I never interrupted. "After Blake, I neutralized Jon. Stolen psychiatric reports indicated his mental withdrawal. The cancer allegations made it physical. But then Rorschach's mask killer hunt with Q in tow also needed stopping. My own 'assassination', confirming his erroneous theory, placed me beyond suspicion. I'd hired my own killer through a third party. When I fed him the cyanide capsule, perhaps he realized this. I knew only triumph… nothing now stood between me and my goal. Humanity's fate rested safely in my hands."
"Adrian this is crazy." Dan attempted to reach through to him.
"I planned to build my machine and teleport Jon's power to a certain location. The compact energy being so large and powerful that it would remove New York City from the map."
Dan seemed to think this was still all a joke. I didn't know what to think anymore. "Adrian, I'm sorry. You need help. I know all this stuff is bullshit, but I'm still glad we got here before you got deeper into this mess. Christ, you seriously planned all this mad scientist stuff?"
Adrian looked blankly at Dan. This wasn't a joke. Fucking Christ, it wasn't a joke. He had to be stopped!
"I mean, when was this hopeless black fantasy supposed to happen? When were you planning to do it?" Dan asked.
"Do it? Dan, I'm not a comic book super villain. Do you seriously think I'd explain my masterstroke if there remained the slightest chance of you affecting the outcome?"
My mouth dropped. Rorschach, Dan, and I simply stared at Adrian.
"I did it thirty-five minutes ago."
Oh my God.
"Take cat away, Veidt. Take cat away and face me!" Rorschach roared.
"Adrian, I'm sorry, I don't buy this story. Come on, what are you really up to?" Dan still wanted to believe it was all a big gag. But I knew. I could see it in the fuck's eyes.
Adrian gave a long sigh. "Very well. Once more… I engineered a machine to duplicate Jon's energy, sent it to New York and Moscow, destroying both cities."
Dan shook his head, "Adrain, that's bullshit."
"No. It's not." I said.
"Telling truth. Listen to voice. He did it. Veidt, get rid of cat." Rorschach growled.
Veidt stared down at his long eared cat. "No, I don't think so. After all, her presence saves you the humiliation of another beating." A low, vicious rumble came from Rorschach's throat as Adrian said this.
"Rorschach, he's kidding you. His story, it's full of holes! Adrian, your assassination attempt… you couldn't have planned it! What if he'd shot you first instead of your secretary?"
It was then that Adrian smiled. The first smile since we had gotten here. "I suppose I'd have to catch the bullet, wouldn't I?"
"You… ? Nah, come on. That's completely… You couldn't really do that?"
Adrian's smile said it all. That cocky fucking smile. I wish I had my guns. I wish I had something except for my fists. He's too fast for that. He's too fast for any of us.
"No. I just don't buy it. Any of it. You wouldn't kill half New York. You couldn't…"
"I could… and I did, Dan."
"You can't get away with this!" I interrupted.
"I believe I can. The only people who know are in this room and it will stay this way."
"Workers on machine. They will tell." Rorschach spoke up.
"Those involved are all dead. Killed by killers who killed each other… A lethal pyramid."
"And you're proud of it."
The blonde hero smiled. "A few deaths in exchange for the savior of billions of lives."
There was sudden flash of blue. In his naked glory, Dr. Manhattan appeared with Silk Specter.
"Laurie!" Dan immediately went to her side.
"Oh dear." Adrian and his cat fled to a different room.
"Must stop him. Killed Blake. Killed millions." Rorschach directed Dr. Manhattan.
"I know." He stated simply as he walked after Adrian.
"I am disappointed, Veidt. Very disappointed."
The ring of shattered glass broke through the hall. Dan covered Laurie from the flying shards. Rorschach and myself stared up at the ominous blue figure. Manhattan began to shrink himself as he advanced on Adrian. There was a tone to his voice that I had not heard in a long time.
Anger.
"Restructuring myself after the subtraction of my intrinsic field was the first trick I learned. It didn't kill Osterman… Did you think it would kill me?"
Adrian scrambled to get up from his spot on the floor. It felt good to see him scuttle around in fear. He had finally backed himself into a wall.
"I've walked across the sun. I've seen events so tiny and fast they hardly can be said to have occurred at all, but you… You are a man… and the world's smartest man means no more to me than does its smartest termite."
Adrian's face became blank as he stared at Manhattan. But then he licked his bloody, dry lips and lifted his hand. There was a remote in it.
"What's that in your hand, Veidt? Another ultimate weapon?"
"Yes. Yes, you could say that." He whispered.
With a tiny click the wall behind him became alive with television screens, each picture showing vivid shots of mayhem, slaughter, destruction. Vaguely I hear Dan say something behind me but it is lost amongst the voices in the air.
"Scene here, utterly horrible, I can't describe…"
"Death toll in the millions-"
"From America. In New York, millions-"
"Similar devastation in Russia-"
"Doctor Manhattan-"
"The dead, the children. There are children, children… I can't go on. I'm sorry-"
"World leaders, responding to the tragedy-"
"From London, Mr. Healey sent a message of-"
"And news just in of a response from Russia-"
"From Russia the Kremlin issued a cautious bulletin-"
"Over two million-"
"Stated that in light of alarming developments-"
"Withdrawal from Afghanistan as soon as possible-"
"Immediate to end hostilities until we've evaluated this new threat to-"
"In complete confusion here-"
"An immediate summit in Geneva-"
"End to hostilities-"
"New York tonight, three million-"
"And end war in Afghanistan as a gesture of-"
"End the war-"
The pictures… they were horrible. Blood… bodies. Metal, rust, sewage, snow. There were craters in the cities. The blast knocked down buildings and structures that were miles away. It was like our world was thrown into a meat grinder. That city… that city was my home. Where I use to live… doesn't even exist anymore.
"I did it!" Veidt screamed.
I couldn't tear my eyes away from the televisions. There was a woman stuck under a car. A man crying over the remains of his home and family. Dead dog. Teenage girl with only one eye. Pandemonium. Hurt. All these people… they were hurting.
"I saved the earth from hell. Next, I'll help her towards Utopia!"
I placed my head in my hands. Could this really be happening?
"Wait a minute… NEXT? After what you d-did? You can't get away with that!" Laurie declared through a river of tears.
"Can't get away with it? Will you expose me, undoing the peace millions died for? Kill me, risking subsequent investigation?"
Oh my God. Oh my God. This is happening. We couldn't save those people. All those people…
"Morally, you're in a checkmate, like Blake."
I felt that familiar emotion explode inside of me. Thick, burning, vile tar turning my insides black. At the mention of Eddie's name, I threw myself at Adrian. When my fist was about in inch away from his face, a blue light enveloped me. For a moment, I thought I had died. When I could see again, I was back at my starting point. I screamed at Manhattan,
"Why did you do that? Are you with him!" I pointed towards Adrian.
Manhattan shook his head, "Logically, I'm afraid he's right… Exposing this plot, we destroy any chance of peace, dooming Earth to worse destruction." He turned towards the crying Laurie. "On Mars, you demonstrated life's value. If we would preserve life here, we must remain silent."
"Never tell anyone? W-we really have to buy this?" She was looking hopelessly for another option. We all were.
Dan clutched his mouth in horror. "How… How can humans make decisions like this? We're damned if we stay quiet, Earth's damned if we don't. We…Okay. Okay, count me in. We say nothing."
I clench my teeth at Dan, "You don't mean that." I desperately hiss at him. How could he say yes? How could he lie on his belly, wallow in the blood and remain silent. This is wrong.
Suddenly, Rorschach turned away from the group and started heading towards the exit. I went to follow him.
"Rorschach…? Rorschach, wait!" Dan called after him.
Abruptly, he stopped, causing me to nearly walk into him. He was waiting for Dan to finish what he meant to say, he didn't turn around and face him. I did it for him.
"We have to compromise." Dan pleaded.
Rorschach was quiet for a moment before his hard voice whispered back, "Was always the difference between us. Never compromise. Not even in the face of Armageddon… Goodbye, Daniel."
We stepped through the door into the artic cold and Manhattan was there waiting for us.
"Where are you going?" he asked.
"People must be told." Rorschach answered.
"This isn't right, Manhattan. Adrian can't get away with killing all those people. We're going back to New York."
Manhattan stood boldly before us. "You know I can't let you do that…" I blinked at him.
A low growl came from Rorschach as he removed his gloved hands from their pockets, "Of course. Must protect Veidt's new utopia."
"Rorschach. Don't." Dan warned from behind me. I had not even noticed he followed us out.
"One more body amongst foundations makes little difference." He answered Dan.
His gloved hands went upwards towards his head and ripped off his mask. Suddenly, Rorschach was gone and Walter was in front of us. A crying Walter. He clutched his hat and mask in one hand as he snarled at Manhattan.
"Well? What are you waiting for? Do it…"
Manhattan looked down at the ground and then back up at him
"DO IT!"
He lifts his blue hand.
The blood is bright in the unforgiving snow. Dan and I watch as Rorschach's hat flows softly to the ground. Dan finally breaks down. He cries angry tears and falls to his knees. I look up at the stoic figure of Dr. Manhattan. For a moment, I lose all thought. Barely able to register that Rorschach is dead. For some reason my mind goes to wondering why he took his mask off. Slowly I bend over and pick a piece of fabric from the ground.
In the face of death… he no longer wanted to be the symbol that he worked so hard for… He wanted to die as a man. This thought strikes me hard in the stomach. The fabric flutters from my hand. My eyes watch it fall.
"What… did you do?" comes my shaky whisper. My eyes return to Manhattan.
He blinks at us. His blue lips move softly, "I had to." Comes his apathetic voice.
"Had to?" I whisper. My body is shaking, but not from the freezing temperatures.
"THIS WAS NOT WHAT WE WERE SUPPOSE TO DO!" I cry out.
Holding it all back is too hard. I don't understand. I don't understand what the fuck was happening around me.
Dead. Killed by his friends. Rorschach was fucking dead.
Everything is tumbling out of control. What the fuck was happening?
"I cannot change human nature." Manhattan repeats.
We were not supposed to kill millions of innocent people… I've had to live everyday with the memories and pictured faces of every person I've killed … Babies, men, women, children… Now, this? I can't take it – can't take it.
I shake my head, "Who are you to decide when life can or cannot end? Mankind will kill itself off eventually. This momentary peace means nothing. Those innocent people didn't have to die… You saw the TVs. You saw all that pain…" maybe I was yelling at a wall. What did Manhattan know of pain? Emotionally and physically.
"Rorschach didn't have to die…" I begin sobbing. That familiar long ache pulls through my body. Pulsates painfully at my fingertips. It hurts. It hurts more than the time I was shot through back. It hurts more than anything else in this world. And it will never go away.
"EDDIE DIDN'T HAVE TO DIE!"
Spit flies from my mouth as I scream this with horrible rage and misery. Shaking from my very core is the undeniable truth. Eddie is dead. Gone.
It all just felt like a bad dream. I was waiting for the moment when I'd wake up, and he'd be there next to me smoking his cigar. He would smile at me. I was waiting for that moment when I'd wake up, and he'd call me doll face again. I desperately hug myself, trying to pretend that they are his arms. But it's not him. I am alone… and so horribly cold. My body actually hurts. Hurts with loneliness, abandonment, and death.
I wish I never loved him. I wish I could have had a life without him. I wish I just remained apart. Alone. Never experienced his touch, his stare, his smile, his laugh.
But it isn't a dream. He isn't going to say doll face again. I won't ever feel him again. See him. But he will always be in my mind. My thoughts. My memories. My goddamn soul. Tormenting me. Tearing me apart. Destroying me in ways that are indescribable. I am not me without him. How can I be? I'm just vacant. Half of what I should be.
The world is so full of promises but I don't want them.
I thought leaving him would make me happy. It didn't. I was never happy. I cut him out of my life and eventually forgot how he made me feel. I became a shell. Attending the funeral, I remembered… that feeling in my stomach I would get when he would hold me. That ache. That want. Not for carnal sexual desires but for him. To grab hold of him and to not let go. All I want is him. Only him. But he's gone from me. Gone. Forever gone.
I want to scream. Scream until my body rips apart. But there is nothing to scream out to. So I cry. The hot tears run down my face like a river. I am soaked. I am all alone.
Forget about that stuff, you hear? Or else you'll become worse than a corpse. You'll be walkin' around dead on the inside.
I am dead on the inside. How can this be happening? Please, let me wake up. Let Vietnam be a dream. Let all those people I murdered and saw killed only just a nightmare. Let my whole life be a dream. Please, please! God!
Manhattan's pale eyes fall to the ground, unable to answer me. A man with the power to change unimaginable things… yet he wastes it.
"If you really cared about life, you would have made the right decision…" I whisper.
He looks back up to me. He can look straight through me with those ghost, godly eyes. It's like a world of wonder inside of them. A world I cannot even begin to imagine. Things wide and far beyond my comprehension, or anyone's comprehension. They stare and, this time, I stare fearlessly back.
"We were better off with out you." He says nothing in return, because perhaps he knew it was true. Manhattan changed the world. Changed everything. People weren't ready for that kind of change.
His quiet voice reaches my ears, "I have longed to understand… the fear people have for me. You, most of all, I couldn't understand. You did not fear me. You felt… contempt… A bitter anger towards me. Why?"
I clench my teeth, "You know why." I choke out.
Manhattan looked towards the bloody snow. "I cannot fix the world, or the people in it… I'm not… God…"
All the nerves are shooting to and from my brain. Yet, I feel so desolate and lifeless on the inside.
What am I suppose to fight for? What am I suppose to die for? Has my entire life amounted to nothing. Am I… nothing? Or am I meant for something? This foggy maze that I've stumbled through my entire life… where does it lead? Where does it end? There is no destiny. There can't be. I refuse to believe it.
I was not born to be a murderer, or turn into a goddamn psychopath. These were all made by my actions, my decisions. You think you mean something in this messed up world. You think you make a difference. Then, you realize it was all a fucking lie. Everything…
What's made a difference in my life? What has ever meant something to me?
For the first time, in a long time, there is clarity. It cools down my body. Cleans out my trembling. I finally know…
The only thing that has ever meant something to me… Eddie.
And it will always be Eddie. I would fight for him. I would die for him. I owe him everything. You find happiness in this world, however twisted and demented it may be, but it's happiness. You find a person that cares about you, and then that's it… I'll cling to it for everything I've got. I hated him and loved him at the same time… And Adrian… Adrian has taken that away from me. He is the reason I will never see Eddie again. He's the reason I will never hear the word 'doll face' in that low voice.
Adrian may have bought a five-minute world peace. But, he still killed Eddie. He still killed millions of people. In my world, there is no escaping punishment. I don't know why I'm alive… or the purpose of my life in this world… But I do know how I'm going to die. It's in my hands.
My shell of a body runs with cold blood. From my belt, I slowly pull out a knife. Manhattan's white eyes flicker to my hand.
"Speziale…" Manhattan warns me.
It's silent between us. My breathing is soft and calm.
I'm ready. I'm finally ready.
"Doc… Look at me… My eyes are open."
Manhattan's lips move as if to say something, but nothing comes out.
"Q, what are you-" Dan doesn't get time to finish.
I pivot my body and run towards the entrance. My run is hard and fast with only one goal. I am light. I am strong. I am fearless. Behind my footsteps I leave the outside world. I hear Dan yell after me, but I pay no head. Entering the main chamber, I can see only him. Fair and pale. His blonde hair is messy from fighting. A frown pulled tightly on his face. There is fear in his liquid blue eyes as I bolt towards him. The shards of glass cracking beneath my boots.
A picture springs into my mind… How he stood beside us. In the rain. As we buried him.
As we buried him.
Eddie. He is all I think about as the blood pumps through my veins and my goal is so close. Adrian doesn't lift his arms to defend himself. It angers me even further. I think of all the people who hated Eddie. Of all the people he killed. How he cried in front of his arch-enemy. I think of how Adrian called him a nazi. I think of Eddie clinging desperately to my stomach.
It was never fucking fair. My life. Rorschach's life. Eddie's life. Our lives were dedicated to something above our own, and what did we get? Death. Killed by our friends.
With the knife held high, I lunge for him. I see beyond Veidt's wide eyes.
"JON!" he yells.
Eddie. Blown hair. Dark, unfathomable eyes. Ruddy, scarred face… He is lonely. So desolate and lonely, just like me and I am so close.
Then, there is only blue.
das Ende
