Purpose
by Dark Angel of Wind
Disclaimers: I do not own anything death note....sniff..nore do I own the song Paradichlorobenze done by the vocaloid Kagamine Len...wish I owned the vocloids too...WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH
claimers: I do own, Elanora Walker, Hillarywalker/Hikaru Tokai/Cassandra Sanchez
Da-been a while since I even thought about this fic. mind you I still have lotsa ideas for it, it was just a matter of how get Idea A to Idea B ya know? well here ya go on with the fic!
oh and for those who have not yet, please read the short story No Purpose needed, just a drink. It was originally supposed to be in Purpose, but with all the re-writes I did it no longer fit...but I still loved it and didn't have the heart to take it out. so I simply edited it a bit to me of a short story instead of a chapter.
"talking"
'thinking'
"singing"
#
A brown messy brown haired young woman dressed in blue plaid flannel pajama's sat crossed legged on a small bed. in her lap was a journal, its page was half doodled on half written. in the young woman's hand was a pencil that was held limply, her blue eyes were vacant as they stared past the pages.
she shook her head lightly as she slowly came to her senses, she had always had a daydreaming problem. one of her several escapes from a reality that did nothing but hurt her.
she lifted her head and gazed about the room. the room was small, and was covered in blacks, reds, pinks, whites, and blues. Gothic posters, stuffed animals, books, and nick-knacks littered the already tiny room. she picked at her flannel pajama's and smirked, her sky blue plaid pajama's so did not work in here.
her eyes looked at the skull and cross bones clock, a chibi version of Death used his scythe and hand to point out the time. she whistled when she saw that she had spent a hour in a daydream that she could not remember. a purely blissful experience, it was as if her mind was wiped clean, no longer thinking and no longer feeling. but then she would be pulled back to reality, feel a tug of sadness at leaving but that was all.
she looked at her journal and frowned as she noticed how little progress she had made. she was pulled into that Lovely Trance for too long
'ooo, I rather like that. the Lovely Trance..I should write that down to use it later.'
after writing down her latest idea on a sticky note she looked down and silently read her journal.
JUSTICE - Because of unspeakable loneliness, it's merely self satisfaction. I am like a cowardly little dog constantly barking. In order to protect my little pride, I only looked at my own justice. I assumed everyone was evil- and to this day, I still continue to bark.
DISEASE-
as if you were controlled by something lead by the emotions in you. I understand my condition and I'm irritated by it, but even then I still depend on it.That only makes it spread and would eventually grab hold of my consciousness.
DEPENDENCY-
I can no longer live without it. Even if I understand my condition I go against it. I just want other people to accept my existence, to realize my existence. I envy those who have the means to do this. Idon't hate them. I just want them to understand me.
she stopped as she reached to the farther parts of the bed to get some papers that had a music score and notes written on them and began to copy from her journal to the paper, singing as she did so to make sure that the lyrics flowed with the melody.
"what am I singing for?
paradichlorobenzene
I just sing without understanding the meaning
paradichlorobenzene
and so I ran off to find the answer
paradichlorobenzene
even if I already knew that nothing is there for me"
a few weeks ago she probably would have felt sadness or depression for singing this
"come
let us sing and let us dance
paradichlorobenzene
come, let us yell and let us shout
paradichlorobenzene
The dog, the kitten, the crow, the rabbit, and everyone
paradichlorobenzene
come, let us go insane and let us sleep until we rot away
come"
but all she felt nowadays was either nothing or a numbed down sort of contentness
"what am I fighting against?
I just take a person I don't know, call him evil, and fight against him
Jealousy"
she often wondered if it would have been better to have declined L's offer to be his helper in the Kira case. would her life had changed for the better or for the worse?
"Rules are the things I hate because I don't like being binded
so I ran away I forget about my consequences"
no. her life wouldn't have changed at all. she would still be working multiple jobs with little money, paying that rat bastard Karl....and Elanora would be alive
"I hate being ordered around, I just wanted to be a little evil
I sneak out of my house at midnight and run through the city"
she didn't pause in her singing as her thoughts turned once again to the sister that Kira had killed....Kira...she didn't entirely disagree with the mass killer. she only really disagreed with his methods of doing it.
'What am I living for?' I talked to the stray cat
The stray cat doesn't answer my question, it just looks down at me with its eyes"
ever since L threw her out she wanted to die. she no longer had a purpose. the sole reason that he accepted the job was because he gave her what she most wanted.
"I swallow coffee even though I can't drink it
I looked up to the cloudy skies, 'what can I do right now?'
I don't even know that
and so I scream out my song
paradichlorobenzene
I scream without understanding what I'm screaming"
but what did she expect, nothing that made her happy ever stayed around for too long, this just took a longer delay before blowing up in her face that's all.
"paradichlorobenzene
are you satisfied with this?
paradichlorobenzene
if you break the rules, will something change?
yes, I don't care who, I just want to spill it all out"
a reason to live...she needed a new one. otherwise she would not last much longer.
"paradichlorobenzene
I pretend to be justice that beats down "evil"
paradichlorobenzene
I use justice as a sheild and relieve some stress
paradichlorobenzene
the people around me don't realize my stupid act"
she paused briefly as she wrote the last verse down. for some reason it struck a chord with her...something about the Kira case and that verse..it felt like she was blocking something mentally
"is there any meaning to this song?
there's no meaning to this song
is there any sin to this song?
there's no sin to this song
is there any meaning to Benzene?
there's no meaning to Benezene
Is there any sin to Benezene?
the meaning to this song is....Benzene"
it was not unusual for her to block things out that upset her, hell it used to be her default way of dealing with being hurt. but if her curiosity was great enough she could usually break past the block and remember it...but for some reason she couldn't with this.
"I won't accept this
everybody else who succeeded besides me are evil
I won't accept this
I'll always look for a weakness
I won't accept this"
there it was again, that sudden pain in her head as another chord was struck in her heart. she could feel it. it was on the tip of her tongue.
"and then I ralize that everything I'm doing is hyprocrisy
what value do I have living?
the stray cat died by drowning
I throw away my empty coffee and looked at the sky covered in darkness, 'what am I doing right now?'
I don't even know that
I don't know anything anymore"
this was starting to frustrate her. she could tell you a person's lifestyle, what sport he watched, which team he rooted for, what his music likes and dislikes were, if he was straight bi or gay, if he was in a relationship, what their personality was like, how old he was, etc by watching them for three minutes. but try to figure herself out and all she got was a headache with some frustration
"and so you laugh at me, paradichlorobenzene
and so I push you away, paradichlorobenzene
I'm right and you're wrong, paradichlorobenzene
enveloped by nothingness and disappear
until there's nothing left of me"
and again the thumping of a vein, just a few more seconds and she would know
"come
let us sing and let us dance
paradichlorobenzene
come, let us laugh and fill yourself with jealousy
paradichlorobenzene"
myself, yourself, and everything else
paradichlorobenzene
come, let us go insane and let us sleep until we rot away
come
I'm jealous
everything is done for my self-satisfaction
thats why even today.....'
thats it! she remembered! it was-
"CASSIE-CHAN!!!" a loud pitchy voice yelled from the front door.
she growled as she lost was she had barelly grasped.
"Miiiiiiiiiiisssssssssssssaaaaaaaaa! you made me forget something important!" she wined to the blonde model.
Misa skipped into the room. her hair was up in to poofy ponytails with her laceback black bat corset, skirt, knee high boots, and fingerless gloves.
Misa flopped her body backwards on the bed with a whimper.
"Misa is sooooooooooooooo tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiired Cassie-chan! the shooting took forever today! and then Matsui did something stupid so I had to go help him out!"
Cassandra sighed as she nodded her head preparing herself for another 'Matsui is stupid' rants.
she was grateful to the blonde goth for taking her in in her venerable state, but sometimes the girl just got on her nerves....but strangely she acted and looked a little like a gothed up version of her beloved Elanora.
thinking of her dead sister made blonde and goth in front of her made her smile.
"ah-HAH!" Misa yelled as she poked Cassandra's nose, her brown eyes twinkling.
Cassandra blushed and rubbed her nose with the sleeve of her Jammies.
"what was that for?" Cassie said, flustered at being caught off guard.
"you smiled! you should do that more often! remember what I told you? pretty girls-"
"don't cry they only smile, yes yes I remember Misa" Cassie laughed at her roommate's reason for her antics
Misa changed into a black and hot pink tank top and pajama bottoms and flopped onto the bed again.
Cassie quickly moved her notebook and papers and frowned at the girl staring at the ceiling sighing.
"watch what your doing, you almost ruined the new song you begged me to make for you..." her frown deepened when she saw Misa wasn't listening to her and only picked at the hair bands still holding her hair in it's tails.
with a sigh she drew the blonde up in her lap, "come here, let me undo your hair for you, sleep like that and you'll get tangles galore"
Misa kicked her feet in the air as Cassandra undid her hair and she took the music sheets and read them.
"hey these are really good!" she said as she hummed the melody
Cassandra smiled as she took a brush and began to brush Misa's hair.
"why thank you, the inspiration just came to me out of the blue"
Misa put the music down and hugged a gothic plush as she brushed her hair, a small pout forming.
"soooooooooooo?"
Cassandra groaned, every night it was the same thing.
"sooooooooooooo what?"
"you gonna tell me anything about yourself tonight?" Misa said with hope on the edge of her voice.
"not tonight" Cassandra said placing the hair brush on the nightstand.
"aw! but I tell you everything Cassie-chan! about my Light, about my modeling, even about my parents and view on Kira!"
Cassandra looked away, her hair falling in front of her face as she felt the sadness well up in her chest. she gulped and pushed it away.
"I'm sorry Misa....it's not that I don't want to...its that I don't think I'm fully ready to trust anybody right now that says that they want something of me or want to get to know me-" she was cut off but a fierce hug.
Cassandra looked at Misa and was surprised to see un-shed tears in the blondes eyes.
"I am so so so so sorrrrry! something terrible must have happened to make you not trust even Misa-Misa"" she sniffled
Cassandra's eyes softened as she slowly returned the hug.
"its not your fault, it's more my own for getting my hopes up" the last part was no more then a whisper but Misa heard it and her hug became even more fierce.
#
after some midnight horror flicks and a lot of sweets and cookies, mostly eaten by Cassie, they turned out the lights and crept into bed together to go to sleep.
Misa fell asleep as soon as the lights went out, but Cassandra just stared at the dark ceiling covered in Gothic and cutesy stickers and mobiles.
it had now been a few months of Cassandra Sanchaz staying with Misa.
after Hikaru had dashed out of the task force headquarters Misa had welcomed her with open arms.
she was taken to a little cafe Note Blue and Misa paid for her milkshake and cake, Misa let her tell a rough version of her having no family and now no job or place to live.
and though L rented a apartment for her to use, she didn't want anything to do with L.
and after telling her little sob story Misa took her hand, brown eyes shining bright, and told her to move in with her. she was lonely because her job took most of her time and her boyfriend was usually busy.
Hikaru was a bit skeptical at first, why would somebody bother with helping out somebody without knowing anything about them or getting anything in return?
but when Misa said that her boyfriend was named Light Yagami she hastily agreed.
Like L she too thought that Light was the first Kira. and Kira was her sister's killer, while she felt bad about using this girl she could get close to Yagami even more now that she was out of the task force and could possibly get him to slip off his little mask.
she told Misa her name was Cassandra Sanchaz and moved in that evening.
she had not seen Light yet and had finally gained Misa's full trust, aparantly she was a sucker for a sob story. and while she liked the girl she couldn't help but think that with her theories filed under 'Light is the First Kira' then judging from her talks about Light, Kira, and her own sense of justice....Misa was most likely the second.
she could tell when somebody was being used though, she remembered Light's cold demeanour when talking about a Misa Amane being a one-sided relationship. if she could she would try to save this girl.
and get her revenge.
#
DA- wow that took me forever eh? sorry if it's a tad boring, the next chappy will be back on track! till next time! DA! OUT! and please feed the review box...I think he's on the verge of starvation T-T
