Disclaimer: Don't look at me! I'm just your regular Frankie Fan
Unimportant AN: So sorry for the long wait! But my internets been on the fritz and I've been tearing my hair out trying to get it working again so please, drop the ice picks and lower the lasers!
IMPORTANT AN: Ok, here is the much anticipated Frankie-goes-dating chapter. Now, this will be dissapointing for you. Originally this chapter did kinda include all the "trolls, toads and trollops" mentioned in here by Frank (and explained why he's so OOC) but unfortunately it was just getting too long and would have taken me months to complete! Seriously I just kept on adding charcter afetr character so I decided instead that I would make a whole new spin-off type affair to showcase them all! I don't what I'll call it but it will include ALL of the lucky ladies who get to violate Frank and turn him into the quivering jelly you will see here! Only two of the dates made it into here (sorry!) and will be polished and added to for the new fic!
Thanks to all who reviewed and I hope you still manage to enjoy the leftovers of this once awesome chapter (I am REALLY looking forward to the next three, so stick around!)
"Well…? What do you think? Am I appropriately clothed?" Frank emerged from his dressing room and did a small twirl for the cleaner (who had added some extra sparkles for the occasion) and the very unamused cat.
"Um…," the cleaner bit her lip thoughtfully, "I think that the girls at the speed dating will be expecting something a bit more… butch…"
Frank frowned, "Butch? But this is my manliest corset! I'm even wearing blue eye shadow!" he shuddered delicately and swooned before whispering in a faint, strangled voice, "Do you have any idea what it's doing to my complexion?"
The cleaner sighed and shook her head disapprovingly until Frank slithered back into the dressing room for the eighth time that evening.
"Master? Master? Are you in your bedchamber?" Magenta called softly, opening the door a crack and poking her head in. Seeing that it was empty she put two fingers in her mouth and whistled.
"All clear?" responded Riff Raff from behind a corner.
"Yup," Magenta answered before slipping inside Frank's bedchamber, closely followed by Riff Raff.
"I look foolish!"
The cat made a small agreeing type sound before the cleaner huffily shooed it away.
"Aw, Frankie, no! You look adorable!" she pinched his cheeks and smiled at him.
He growled in response. He could have sworn that the retreating feline had smirked at him.
She tried to look serious, "You look very smart. The chicks'll be all over ya!" she punched his shoulder playfully.
"And some of the roosters too?" Frank asked hopefully.
"We'll see," she muttered, entering the bar.
"Found it yet?" Riff Raff called from his position by Frank's jewellery box.
"Nope," responded Magenta from under the heart shaped bed, "Nothing! Nil, zip, zilch, nada!" she groaned in frustration and emerged from her spot, shaking off the clumps of dust bunnies that had gravitated to her hair.
She hopped onto the bed daintily and observed her brother ransack one of Frank's various make-up bags.
She leaned back on the bed and rubbed her hands over the satin covers, "Oh no, Magenta," she mimicked Frank's now more than familiar snooty purr, "I'm sorry, the budget simply will not allow you and your brother to acquire eiderdown! Besides, you wouldn't want to make the other servants jealous, now would you? Oh, of course not! Let's just ignore the fact that there are no other servants!" she steamed and punched one of his overstuffed pillows in anger. She paused as she heard a small crinkly noise complain of her violence.
"Riff!" she called, sticking her hand inside the pillow case, "I think I've found it!"
"So… Edna, was it?"
"Honey, you can call me whatever you want!" the frumpy woman across from Frank hiccupped and swayed tipsily, clumsily slapping a hand down on his knee to circle his knee cap in an alarmingly deliberate fashion.
"Uh… ok," Frank squeaked. It was odd for him to be this nervous during a date – if you could call it that! But after being pounced on, pawed at and violated continuously for the past hour by every troll, toad and trollop from the four corners of Denton – Frank had decidedly deteriorated from the smooth, suave and somewhat lecherous Call Me Frankie into the stuttering, shuddering and scared Oh Dear, I appear to be in dire need of a lavatory!
To add insult to injury – his lowly, sparkly window cleaner was too busy giggling and stroking the arms of the various burly construction workers in attendance to come to come to Frank's rescue – either not noticing or ignoring his loud coughs and frantic arm waves in her direction.
Luckily just as Edna's hand gained enough confidence to begin hiking North the beautiful sound of the oven timer dinged and sent Frank speeding off to the next lucky customer.
"Hello, I'm Sarah," an equally worn, yet still smiling brunette greeted him from the other side of the small circular table.
"I'm Frank," he replied timidly, she seemed normal enough… but the spunky young British girl – whose crazed on-again-off-again boyfriend had dragged away after a screaming match in front of a cowering Frank – had taught him that there was more to these Dentonians behind their pretty faces.
After a moment of intensely uncomfortable silence where Frank passed the time by attempting to drain the juice from the lemon slice in his empty glass – and choked – before Sarah spoke up warily.
"Uh, just so you know, I'm not really the type of loser who comes to these things… but, well, my friends made me – said it'd help me get over my ex…," she rambled before stopping herself, "…just so you know…," she trailed off before sighing and leaning back in her chair, "So what's your excuse?"
Frank gulped, "Why, I have no excuse, I'm here for a spouse!"
"Pfft! Like I've never heard that one before – differently worded of course. Everyone knows that the guys who go to these things are all sleazy jerks who wouldn't know a committed relationship if it invited them inside to meet the missus," she jerked her head to the crowd of construction workers swarmed around the cleaner at the bar. She leaned in towards Frank to whisper cattily, "See that girl up there with them? Girls like her are their life-blood."
Frank frowned, a faint twinge of concern momentarily distracting him before he returned to the lovely Sarah who he noticed was still draped across the table, her face close to his.
"You see," Frank purred, gaining back his confidence, "That's the problem with blood, once you've tasted it, you'll only want more…," he trailed off seductively and gazed deep into Sarah's eyes.
She blushed but didn't move away, Frank reached over to brush a strand of hair off her face and –
"Sarah! How dare you defy me!"
"Oh. God. No. Please no…," Sarah face palmed and spun round to wince at the shrieking newcomer.
"You know him?" Frank asked, completely bedazzled by the amount of glitter that had suddenly been swept into the bar by the shrieker.
"He's my ex," she hissed, making sure that the shrieker heard her.
The shrieker stiffened and growled, marching up to the table.
"And you," he skewered Frank with a glittery glare, "I can be cruel, you know… who are you, anyway?"
Infuriated by the imperious tone, Frank stood up menacingly, ready to earn back his dignity and impress Sarah. Unfortunately, just as Frank took a deep breath to haughtily introduce himself formally and inform the rival of his royal status, he inhaled a lungful of spiteful glitter and instead collapsed to the floor, wheezing pitifully and coughing up sparkles.
"Now look what you've done!" Sarah snapped, "I swear, Jareth, this is why I can't go to nice places!" she huffed and stomped to the exit, "How many times do I have to tell you? You have no power over me!" she yelled as he stalked out after her.
"Sarah! Slow down! Don't make me re-order time!" he called as the twosome disappeared out the door.
"Yow!"
Frank looked up to see the cleaner leaning worriedly over him, "Gee, Frankie, you sure know how to pick 'em!"
Franked coughed weakly and heaved himself up.
"So, you ready to throw in the towel?"
"But…," Frank choked at the sight of all the cougars waiting for him – should he wish to stay – and sighed heavily, "… fine!"
Moments before the glittery commotion, a certain bluey-silvery cat was perched on a bin at the back of the pub, checking on Frank's progress and sniggering loudly (much to the bemusement of the few passing humans who came out for a smoke).
"Varjak?"
The cat's ears twitched at the familiar gravelly voice and he spun round, almost falling into the bin.
"Holly?" he answered, confused at the appearance of the spiky cat, "What are you doing here? I told you stay at home – who's watching Tam?"
Holly smiled, "Omar was more than happy to babysit her for us," she chuckled, trying to lighten the mood.
Varjak's lip twitched downwards as he hopped onto the ground, "Holly… you shouldn't be here…," he muttered, gradually closing the distance between them, "…why are you here?" he stooped just a whisker-length away from her.
"I missed you," she said simply, attempting a shrug.
AN: An itty bitty bit o' Varjak in there ;3 those who have read both books will understand (don't worry if you haven't, it's just wee inside jokes, nothing majorly important to the storyline! Despite the various fandoms muscilng in this is still a Rocky Horror fic!)
Cultural References:
Title?: Like Humans Do, a song by David Byrne (from Talking Heads (oh, that David Byrne) that handsome young thing smooching the lamp in my avatar
Edna... was it? - Mrs Krapabble (spelt right?) in a seedy bar participating in a speed dating event? How very OOC.
Sarah & Jareth? - Labyrinth - even as a kid I was worried about the extravagent use of glitter... I also recycled some lines from the film.
Feisty Brittish Gal & On-Again-Off-Again Beau? - Kelly and Flash from St Trinians. Me and a friend used to be unhealthily obsessed with St Trinians and made a pact to avoid all things Trinian... but a little nostalgia never hurt... ;3
Varjak Explanations:
Holly? - One of Varjak's closest friends and partner in crime - there are some small spoonfulls of romance between the two in The Outlaw
Tam? - Varjak and Holly's other friend - she supplies the comic relief - is also a big ole (excuse the pun) scaredy cat
Omar? - One of The 'Orrible Twins - has a (reciprocated) crush on Tam
