A/N-Okay…I have to warn you that "If I had known then" is a tad bit vulgar…It sprang from musicallady1's idea of Momo dueling Rangiku for Toshiro…but it took on a life of it's own…and this is the end result…so sorry if it is a bit rough. It's funny…I put my ipod on random when I am in the shower and "Stupid Girl" by Garbage came on...I hadn't heard that song in forever…and that is what Rangiku is talking about in the story aptly titled "Stupid Girl." I remember, I listened to that CD religiously when I was in high school (Now I am showing my age, I need to shut up.) But anyway…that's that…and I don't own the characters (or "Stupid Girl" by Garbage)…just the stories within…like you didn't already know…

P.S. Shirley Manson rules!


If I had known then

"You wanton bitch." I heard her scream as she made her way over to me. We were all waiting for the Vice Captains' meeting to start. I was sitting in a semi-circle with Nanao, Renji and Hisagi. It was the first big meeting since Aizen had taken off with his two accomplices. Everyone was still angry and needing someone to blame. Me. I was the only person that Gin allowed to come near him. I should have known. Sure. Sure.

"How could you? You think I don't see…but I see. I see the way he looks at you and it makes my blood boil. Take a look around, Rangiku." Her petite face was aflame. "There isn't a man in this room that wouldn't have you. You could have any man you want. Why him? Why my little Shiro? You are all he wants to talk about now. I-hate-you!" I watched the tears swell in her eyes. I reached out to embrace her. Momo looked like a frail china doll that was about to shatter. I wanted so much to comfort her ailments. Life was still trying to bounce back to normal after the three conspirators fled. It had only been two months. Everyone was still hurting and still on edge. Aizen had really gotten into her head. She didn't even know up from down and here she was, screaming at me. It was hard for me, too, so I know it must have been killer for her. She wasn't allowed to return to her duties as she was still recovering. She was only allowed to attend meetings but I don't even think that she was ready for that yet.

"Don't touch me you, hussy. You make me sick." She said as she found a seat on the other end of the room. Her sudden outbursts were becoming a real problem but now she is accusing me of taking her friendship with my Captain. I did no such thing.

"What did you do to Captain Hitsugaya to make Momo so mad? Did you make a man out of him before she got the chance?" Renji asked as he poked me with his elbow suggestively.

"I have done nothing. I have only been a loyal and dependable Vice-Captain. She is just hurting. She'll move on. She just needs time." I explained. Surely, she really wasn't angry at me. Surely.

"So…does being your Captain come with fringe benefits?" He commented with a laugh. I was not amused.

"And what the hell is that supposed to mean?" I demanded, raising my voice.

"Come on Rangiku, everyone knows that you are loose." I felt anger building up in my fists. How dare he, How dare he say that to me! I am no such thing. I stood up to punch him but Nanao caught my arm and Hisagi pulled me away by my waist. I kicked my feet at him in protest.

"Don't let him anger you. That is what he wants. Don't fall into his trap. There is no point because it's not true." She explained as she pulled me into the hallway. I could feel the tears, like acid, burning lines into my face. "There, there, don't cry." She comforted as she hugged me. I could hear Renji and Hisagi yelling at one another. I just wanted the humiliation to end. I just wanted to go home and curl up into a ball and die. Two people in less than five minutes accused me of being a slut. I thought they were my friends. What was going on?

"What's your problem man? Everyone knows that Momo is having a hard time adjusting. Her accusations are totally false. Why would you say something like that to Rangiku? I thought she was your friend." I heard Renji laugh exaggeratedly before replying.

"Man…she has you pussy whooped too?! You are pathetic. You sleeping with her too?"

"Irrelevant! Rangiku is my friend." Hisagi said valiantly.

"She wouldn't give you any? Sorry to hear that."

" Look, asshole, just because Rangiku is a beautiful girl doesn't mean you can talk down about her. She has a big heart. Sure, men like to look at her. She is a living piece of art. Did you hear that? She is living. She has feelings. She hasn't had a great life but she is a good girl. Cut her some slack. The only family she has ever known turned out to be a traitor. How would you feel?" Hisagi said in the most compassionate voice I have ever heard.

"So what? She isn't the only one that has had a tough life .She could have prevented the trouble that Rukia went through. She could have prevented the whole thing. None of us would have suffered as much as we had…Rukia, Momo, you and even her little Captain. Apparently she didn't mind her life too much while she was fucking Ichimaru. Like she couldn't have known what he was up to while she was sucking his dick."

His words knocked the wind right out of me and I slid from Nanao's grip and onto the floor. What a horrible thing to say. I suddenly felt like I was going to throw up. My breath shuttered as guilt seeped into my veins. He was right. He was so right.

"She was the only person he let get close to him. She should have known something. Rangiku should have been his downfall. She could have saved the Soul Society a lot of trouble if she weren't so stupid. I am just so sick and tired of "Little Miss Tease" over there." He yelled, making sure I could hear him. My heart cracked and I struggled to catch my breath in between sobs. He destroyed my feelings. How could someone think so ugly of me? Renji was a friend, someone I cared for. I know he was still upset about what Rukia had gone through. I tried to be understanding but I felt my compassion slip through my fingers with every word that he spoke. I try so hard to keep a smile on my face. I already felt bad enough that I hadn't been able to stop Gin. This was Gin's dirty little secret. How did it end up on my lap? I am tired of cleaning up after him. There were a great many things that he had never told me. I just figure it was in his nature. Like some things were better left unsaid. Had I suspected anything in the least about his betrayal I would have been on him like white on rice. I held the guilt in my heart but hearing it said out loud was more than I could bear. This whole thing really was my fault, wasn't it?

"What has gotten into you?" Hisagi questioned. When he got no response he continued. "It's really not fair to blame Rangiku for Gin's actions. He is a big boy. He is responsible for himself. She held her blade against him not once…but TWICE! She did try to stop him. Saying that she should have known better is like saying that I should have known that Captain Tosen was a traitor too. Is that fair? Or that Momo should have know of Aizen's treachery. And what about Kira? He was Gin's Vice Captain, remember? If you want to blame Rangiku for all that happened then you need to blame the rest of us as well. We were the four people that were the closest to the traitors." I sniffled and let out a sigh of relief. "You 

need to get your anger in check man. Seriously. If you are that angry then take it out on the people that deserve it…like Captains Aizen, Ichimaru and Tosen…instead of insulting the honor of your friends."

There was a moment of silence and Nanao asked me if I were okay to return to my seat. I dried my tears and stood up. As I turned to walk through the door I heard approaching footsteps. It was Momo.

"You just can't help yourself. You cause trouble no matter where you go. You think that because Gin is gone you are going to steal him away from me but you're wrong. You are dead wrong. I'll never let you take him." With that she continued down the hall and out of the building. I watched until I could not see her frail form anymore.

If I had known then that I indeed would end up with him I would have owned up to it right then. But I didn't think that I would end up with him. It was so far fetched for me to conceive. I didn't want to be with anybody. I was too broken inside. Renji was right. I am a tease. I love to push people's buttons and tease their insecurities but I never do it maliciously or disrespectfully. I do it out of love.

I have since forgiven Renji for his accusations. He apologized. There was no need to hold a grudge. He was hurting too. He didn't mean the things that he had said. He was just being Renji , by blowing off steam the only way he could, with his big mouth.

The truth was that Momo was beyond devastated by Aizen's deeds. It had left her suspicious and high strung and she ended up getting the best help that she could get. I still come to visit her once a week. Maybe in her fit of mania she was able to see something that my Captain and I didn't see. It still doesn't matter. I carry no guilt in my relationship with my Captain. We didn't plan it. I do, however, understand her pain. It's like being a grieving widow. I knew that feeling all too well. She would miss the Aizen that she remembered for the rest of her days. At the time I had no relationship with my Captain and the only man I had ever loved was no longer in the Soul Society. He was dead to me, just like Aizen was to her. I understood her more that she would have like to have believed.


Confessions of a teenaged mystery

"Stop it!" I whined as I felt another acorn connect with the back of my head. He had been doing it for the past ten minutes and I tried to ignore him. I really wanted to watch the sunset and I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing that he was really pissing me off. I guess I lost that battle.

"I ain't doin' nutin'." He lied effortlessly.

I turned to look back at him and another acorn hit my forehead. "Dammit, Gin, I am going to kick your ass." He chuckled almost inaudibly.

"Don't cha look at me wit' such fury. I think dat squirrel has it out for ya."

"The only squirrel I see is you." I said icily as I rubbed my forehead with my eyes closed. He threw another acorn despite my protests and it went down my shirt.

"Son of a bitch!" I screeched as I stood up on our porch. I abandoned the potatoes I had been peeling to try and shake the acorn free. It was to no avail.

"I can help ya if ya want. I'm excellent at fishin'." He replied suavely as he leaned against the front door.

"Uh…I don't think so. You pervert." I spun around to cover my chest as he rushed to fish out the acorn from my cleavage. "Stop, Gin. Ahhh!"

He picked me up and threw me over his shoulder and shook me vigorously. "Damn-it-Gin-I-said-stop-it-now..."

He paused for a moment. "Wut's 'da magic word?"

"Now!" I said smugly.

"Wrong answer." He began to shake me some more. I couldn't help but laugh. "Give up?"

"Never." With my refusal to give in he walked over to the steps and sat down facing the sunset. He removed me from his shoulder and cradled me close to him; like a baby. After a moment or two of silence I tried to break free of his grip. "I suppose I should finish the potatoes so we can eat some time today." But when I moved his grip grew tighter and I looked up into his eyes.

"Uh-uh…Stay" That was all he said. I sighed as I wrapped my arms around him and allowed my head to rest on his shoulder. I closed my eyes and listened to the rhythm of his heart beat. Yes, he had a heart; a big one, once upon a time. Over the years I learned to pick up on his subtle expressions. They were barely detectible to a novice but I was a pro. He took a long deep breath. He was thinking.

"What cha thinkin' 'bout?" I asked him in an innocent tone. I knew his mind was racing. He paused for a long while. He was debating whether he should tell me the truth or lie to me. To this day I don't know which option he chose.

"Such a beautiful sight. Magnificent red 'n cosmic blue. Beautiful beyond compare. Exotic." I turned my head toward the setting sun. His grip on me tightened once again and I looked up at him to meet his eyes. " 'da sunset ain't bad either."


It's okay to be young

He was seething as I watched him enter the office. His presence was overwhelming. He made no attempt to keep his negative energy in check. He walked over to his desk and began rummaging through the drawers. He reminded me of a soda bottle that had been shaken up. Did I really want to pop the top? Do you even have to ask?

"Looking for something, Captain?" I inquired lightheartedly as drawers slammed and papers flew. When I didn't get a response I made my way over to his desk and sat on the edge and crossed my legs. It took him a moment to notice me but when he did…it was priceless.

"Matsumoto! What are you doing?" He demanded as he stood on his tiptoes in a failed attempt to look me square in the eyes.

"I just wanted to know if you needed any help is all."

"I don't have time for your games, Matsumoto, I have to find…" He trailed off almost as if he didn't want to tell me what he was looking for.

"What cha lookin' for? Maybe, I have seen it."

"Nothing. And you haven't." He said abruptly, making me frown. I did not stir for a moment or two. I just watched the determination dance across his features. He went down one side of drawers and down the other. Then he began to search his desk top. Slowly he looked under books, papers, reports, newspapers…everything…until he came to where I was parked.

"Move, Matsumoto, you're in my way."

"I just want to help. Tell me what happened." I said pleadingly.

His eyes met mine and I could see the desperation in them.

"I-don't-have-time-to-play-your-games-woman! I have to find my Captaincy exam to show Ichi…maru…" His eyes closed as he let the cat out of the bag. And the soda bottle began to spew.

"What did G-Captain Ichimaru say to upset you?" I asked as I reached up to touch his cheek. What had Gin done, now? He turned away from my touch and I swear I saw his eyes tear up. He took a moment to collect himself.

"Get-back-to-work." He said hatefully. It caught me off guard.

"But I.."

"NOW!!" His voice shook my bones. He didn't need to yell. I could take a hint. Sheesh. I slid off of his desk and onto my feet. I looked back at him to make sure he was being serious. Maybe there was some mistake and he really didn't mean to yell at me. His face had an expression as to say 'What are you still doing here'? So, I trudged back to my desk.

I watched him rummage through his desk three more times as I debated whether or not I should tell him what was on my mind. He looked so sad. He looked so vulnerable. Knowing Gin, I had an idea of what he said. It was probably a one liner about his age and his inability to do his job. My poor Captain, now feeling inadequate, is looking for the proof of his abilities. Gin can be such an asshole sometimes. Well, most of the time. He tries to destroy a person with his one-liners. Well, I have got some news for him. I have a one-liner of my own and I was going to build up what he tried to destroy.

"It's okay to be young." I blurted out into the chilly air. My Captain stopped what he was doing to glance up at me. Let the renovation begin.

"What do you mean by that?" He said with bitterness on his tongue.

"Captain Ichimaru is just jealous that it took him two tries to pass the Captaincy exam." He raised an eyebrow. "Actually, it was Captain Aizen and I who helped him study."

I never saw him sweat Gin's words ever again.


Stupid girl

It was late. I couldn't sleep. The past was haunting me and no matter how hard I tried I couldn't run away. I walked from the bed that Orihime lent me with my heart in my hand. I found my way to her couch. I felt my eyes well with tears as my mind replayed the events revolving around Rukia's execution. 

I tried to combat my tears with a smile as I reached for the remote control. I turned it to MTV. If nothing else I would find comfort in watching the music videos that are only shown at night.

The woman on the screen spoke to me with words I swear she had ripped from my soul. She was talking about me. She had to be. Perhaps I was hallucinating. I am accustomed to pretending. I pretend to be happy when I am not. I pretend not to love the person I love. I drink just so that I can fit in because I desperately want friends. I pretend to be stupid and lazy so that men will notice me. This insatiable hunger for companionship is eating me alive from the inside out. And here…this woman on TV is singing about my woes. I pretend so much that I don't even know who I am. Who am I?

Tears began to sting my eyes as she started the next verse. She is right. I have nothing left to believe in. I supposed I shouldn't have put my hopes and fears into one person, but he was all I ever had. What else could I do?

And why is it she had to reiterate my blatant stupidity throughout her song? Yes, I know. I'm stupid, I'm a mess. I am not worth anything to anyone. Is that why they call themselves 'garbage'? Because that is what you will feel like when you get done listening to their song? It was working.

I tried to stifle my sobs the best that I could but the tears would not stop pouring down my face. "You stupid girl, you stupid girl, you stupid girl…" I know already!

I heard footsteps. Quickly, I changed the channel.

"Matsumoto." A sleepy voice called to me and I quickly dried my tears. I was elated that the room was dark except the light from the television. "What's the matter? Can't you sleep?"

"No." I replied sheepishly. I looked to the television for an excuse. Oh, no! I had changed it to an infomercial about breast enlargement. My Captain is going to be thrilled. "So, I decided to watch this program. It's all about breast enlargement. I was curious. There are a lot of flat chested girls in the world. I feel sorry for them." I lied shamelessly. "Wanna watch it with me?" I laughed awkwardly. He paused for a moment, most likely of shock. Then he spoke calmly.

"Matsumoto. Get to bed. Your breast are already a national treasure. What more do you want?" He said matter-of-factly then he retreated back to his bed. After he turned the corner I whispered my reply.

"All I want is to not be considered a stupid girl anymore."