And we're caught within the crossfire
Of heaven and hell
And we're searchin' for shelter
-Brandon Flowers-


Death affects people in different ways. For some it cripples them, it cuts them at the knees and others it brings out every ounce of rage they posses.

He sat in the waiting room, his face red, his body involuntarily shaking. James would come out soon. They gave them just enough time to let her say goodbye, but that was it. No more time left to do anything more than that and maybe it was better that way, but Sirius was too upset to think that logically.

Raw and sore was what he was. He knew this wouldn't be easy, but he couldn't have imagined it would hurt this much. There were very few people he let in all the way and Mrs. Potter, like her husband before her, never gave him a choice. They just loved him so fully and unconditionally he grew attached to them without any idea of what it would do to him when they inevitably left.

Sirius buried his face in his hands and waited for James. When James walked up he'd pull it together. He wouldn't cry or say anything. All there would be is support and unity. They were still James and Sirius; it was still them against the world even if the world had gotten a little smaller.

Still, while he sat there, his ass numb from being in the same chair for what felt like hours, he felt like whatever childhood he had was just stolen from him. Ripped and ruined by the image of Mrs. Potter's frail form ceasing to exist.

When James came out, Sirius didn't say a word to him because he knew nothing would be enough. The sight of his best friend, normally so full of life, with a smile always spread across his thin face, looking so gutted nearly brought Sirius the tears that were willing inside of Sirius to the surface, but he aggressively ignored them. Instead, he clapped his hand on James's shoulder and led him to the fireplace. If he could do nothing else, he would make sure James made it through the day.

When they arrived back at school, James croaked. "Let's go to lunch…Don't tell anyone."

Sirius nodded dutifully. "Whatever you want."

Then he followed James through the castle to the Great Hall without a single question or concern. Their friends weren't stupid. One look at them and Remus, Peter, Mary and Lily would know the truth, but Sirius didn't have it in him to explain that to James. He was so determined to brush it off and act like it never happened, but things like this aren't things you can just solider through.

When their father died, James took to his room and only came out when his mother asked him to. It seemed that now that it was his mother that was gone, he was doing the opposite. James was forcing himself to be around other people so he wouldn't think about her and Sirius didn't think even for a second it would work. His Adam's apple kept bobbing and his hazel eyes were lifeless.

Sirius wished he could do something, anything. If he could take all the pain away from James he would do it, even if it meant that he'd have to feel it all. It was agonizing; just to look at James took ten years from him.

The silence between them grew heavier and heavier until they reached the Great Hall. The sound of all the students talking, laughing, shouting and scraping their forks and knives against their plates hit the pair of them hard. So much so that they paused before fully walking through the doors and neither of them noticed a crowd of Slytherin's attempting to walk past them.

"Too stupid to know how to walk through a door anymore, Potter?" Snape sneered, his dry lips curling.

"Bugger off, Snape." James said with a sigh.

Snape scoffed, "What isn't this what you prefer? Crowds of people to see your so-called glory?"

"He said," Sirius began through clenched teeth, "Bugger off. So why don't you, and your band of thugs, go wank of to a picture of your mum, or whatever it is you do in your spare time."

Furious, Snape stepped forward, his face red and he spat, "Well the way I hear it, neither one of you would know what it's like to have parents. How's the mum, Potter?"

Sirius saw red. He didn't care if all the teachers were in plain view. He didn't care if it wasn't proper or if he should be the bigger person. He didn't even use his wand, he clenched his fist and knocked Snape clear off his feet and with a sickening crack he hit the floor, where Sirius continued to hit him. He crushed his hand into every part of the slimy git he could reach. Sirius didn't hear or care what he was doing; Remus, Peter and Frank Longbottom together had to pull him off of Snape. He snarled and tried to kick Snape's broken and decrepit tone, but by then a slew of teachers had come and separated them.

He looked for James in the chaos as McGonagall escorted him straight to her office, but he didn't see him anywhere. Before she took him from the Great Hall he told Remus, "Find James."

Remus looked confused, but nodded when he saw the maddened look in his friends face.


"Black is a scoundrel." Kara muttered twisting her blonde hair up into a bun while walking with Marlene.

Marlene hid her smirk while she stuck her hands in the front pockets of her Quidditch trousers. "Oh? What did he do this time?"

"He laid Severus out on in the middle of the Great Hall a few hours ago."

"Wait…What?!" Marlene stopped walking, catching Kara's wrist. "What the hell did I miss?"

Kara said, "You didn't…oh yes, you left for Quidditch with the rest of your team…but Snape said something to Potter, and Black flattened him to the floor. Potter didn't even move, he just walked out."

"What was the fight about?"

The small blonde said. "I don't know, darling…Sad you missed that though. Black looked like he was out for blood."

"I always miss the action." Marlene said, keeping her voice light, though her chest tightened. "Oh well, I'm sure Black will hit someone else soon enough."

"He does have quite a temper." Kara noted, "If he weren't a traitor he might seen dashing."

Marlene's voice turned purposefully harsh. "He's a moron."

"I'm aware of that, but he isn't afraid of a fight, which most women would admire."

"Well," Marlene lied naturally, "I'm not one of them."

Kara's cool eyes turned onto Marlene. "You want a man who doesn't stand up for you?"

"In the time I've been engaged, I'm absolutely positive if someone has said something negative about me to Rabastan, and I doubt if he did say or do anything it was out of pride and not out of genuine concern."

"How could it be? You two barely look at each other."

"True, all I'm saying is what my type is or what I want doesn't matter anymore."

Kara nodded sensibly. "That's true…you're right we shouldn't even entertain the idea of theoretical purposes…Oh look, there he is now."

She looked up at just as her fiancée began to walk towards her; she swallowed hard and tried to not look as uneasy as she was filling, but if anyone just touched her shoulder they would feel a slight tremble in her bones.

"Marlene, I need to speak with you."

Kara nodded, "I'll see you later, nice to see you Rabastan."

He nodded back politely before standing far too close to Marlene for her liking.

"What's up?" She asked.

His pale green eyes settled on her face. "Slughorn is having a get together on Saturday."

"…And?"

"You will come with me."

Marlene scowled.

"We need to start making appearances together, as a," He winced, "couple."

"United front type of deal?"

"Yes."

Marlene crossed her arms over her chest. "Fine. Where do you want me to meet you?"

"I'll pick you up from your dormitory at 7 o'clock."

"That's not necessary. We will be spending far too much time together in the next few months. Why don't we limit it as much as possible?"

His lips thinned, and his voice lowered. "I will pick you up at 7 o'clock and you will talk only when I tell you to."

"What? …Like a dog?"

"Yes, like," He took a step forward so there was barely anything between them but hatred and an undertone of disgust. "An insolent animal, that should obey that hand that feeds it."

Marlene wanted to sock him right in the face. She'd never hit anyone before, but right then, right as she looked into the coldest, deadest eyes she'd ever seen, she was willing to try it.

"I believe we've had this conversation, more than once now." He said fiercely, his voice barely carrying. "Don't test me, Marlene."

"Fine."

"Wear green." He said simply before walking past her.


She let out a heavy breath she didn't know she had locked in and bolted. There was no method to it; she knew it was raining out. Just after her practice had ended it began to start coming down, but as soon as she pushed through the castle doors she realized that no sane person would be out there so she could freak out if she needed to.

Marlene ran and stopped to lean against the castle wall for a few moments. Tears didn't come; it wasn't that kind of fear. It was deeper than that, something that would haunt her and infect every dream she had.

"This is my wall, McKinnon."

Marlene jumped and nearly crawled out of her skin when she saw that less than a foot away, crumpled on the floor was none other than Sirius Black. "What the hell, Sirius?!"

"As I said," He muttered, his voice strangely forced. "This is my wall."

She dropped down and looked wildly over him. "What the hell…I heard you got into a fight, but you look like a train ran you over."

Sirius shrugged his shoulders, all of his weight against the wall.

"Are you going to tell me what happened or am I going to have to track Potter down?"

"…No." He groaned.

Marlene frowned. "Then tell me what happened."

"My mum died."

Marlene froze.

"When I said I wasn't afraid of anything I wasn't lying," He confessed. "I…I knew she would die…All of the good one's do."

Marlene kneeled down in front of him.

"When I was young, I was scared of-of my dad." He admitted, his voice shaking, unable to stop the slur of speech that was bleeding out of him. "He did this thing where he would count to four and if I didn't quietly go to his study he would make it worse…But after I reached like thirteen I was so used to it, I didn't even care anymore. I'd make it into like a game to see how mad I could make him, how far I could push him, you know?"

She nodded, pushing her now wet hair out of her face.

"Ever since then I've never been really afraid of anything. Even death, maybe for a few minutes but not for a long time…E-ven this."

"It doesn't mean you loved her any less." Marlene breathed.

"I know," he muttered, wincing. "I know."

Marlene twitched for a second before her hand raised and then, without adding any pressure at all, she placed her hand on his.

Sirius's eyes lifted to her face.

"You're going to be okay." She said, not knowing what else to say.

He tried to nod, but he couldn't. The gesture just died and he couldn't hold his head up anymore. Sirius wanted to be strong, but his jaw began to shudder. He wanted to tell her he was fine, that she could leave, that he didn't need her and maybe through in a sleazy comment for good measure. But he didn't have it in him. Everything in him was broken, and he thanked god that at least Lily was with James so he didn't have to worry about him too.

Marlene didn't know what she was doing. She should have gotten one of his friends and washed her hands of the entire situation.

But she didn't.

If he were one of her sisters or Dirk she would know what to do. But she had never comforted anyone else. There was always the occasion girl crying in the girls' lavatory, but she never said anything to them. She always wondered why they were crying and listen into conversations for the rest of the day trying to see if her thoughts were correct. This was never the problem and now it was.

"I'm sure she was proud of you."

Sirius looked at her in disbelief. "How could you possibly think that?"

"I don't know…" She scrambled for an explanation before saying, "You went through a lot growing up. You could have become a horrible person-"

"Who says I'm not?"

"I do," She scoffed before she could stop herself.

Sirius tilted his head and looked at her in bewilderment.

"What I'm saying is," Marlene continued, dropping her gaze. "You could have become your parents. You could have been filled with hate. You could have …Remember last year? When that first year Slytherin was lost and you helped him back to his dorm?"

"…How do you know I did that?"

"I saw you do it." Marlene shrugged, "But the point is, no one ever talked about it and you've never brought it up. You always focus on the worst part of you and brag about that but never say a word about the good things you do…I don't know Mrs. Potter but I'm assuming she knew you and I'm assuming if she took you in, despite everything your family is and always has been, then she must have seen some good in you."

Sirius's breathes were shallow when he asked, "Do you really believe that?"

Marlene said. "I'm just saying what's obvious."

"You think I'm a good person?"

"I think you're an asshole, but… I think you're capable of being decent."

Sirius nearly laughed, his jaw contracted, but it didn't quite make it.

"I don't understand how you feel. My mother killed herself, when I was thirteen, but I do know loss, and as clique as it is, you just have to be the person they would have wanted you to be."

"An honorable, good person?"

"No, you idiot. Yourself. She loved you for you, not because she thought she could change you but because she wanted to make your life easier on you."

Sirius paused for a moment, "…Your mother killed herself when you were thirteen?"

Marlene's face dropped when she realized what she had told him. "Y-yes."

"How did you just…deal with that?"

"My father was remarried in six months, my step-mother arranged my eldest sisters marriage and I was forbidden from talking to my brother or talking about my mum again." She admitted sheepishly.

Sirius whispered, "You are strange, Marlene McKinnon."

"…I'm strange?"

"You…I can never pin down what you are."

Marlene feigned a curtsy. "I do my best."

"You know what I am. You know I'm an arse. You know I'm never going to be the settle down, marriage and children type…and you don't hate me for it…. I don't think you ever have."

"I hated you-"

"But it's past tense," He said waving her off, "And it wasn't for that. It was because of your pureblood bullshit, which you clearly don't really believe in."

Marlene gritted her teeth, but said nothing.

"You're out here." He stated, "You could have walked away. You knew you wouldn't get a shag out of me, you could have easily left and you are still here, and anyone could see you."

"I'll lie if they do." She said quickly.

"But you're still here."

Marlene shifted uncomfortably. "Would you like me to leave you alone?"

"No."

Marlene let out a shaky chuckle. "I don't know what to do…I don't know how to be nice to you…What do you need?"

"Just stay for a few minutes." He said resting his head on the damp wall, his worn eyes closing, "I'll figure the rest out."

"Okay."

Sirius felt the emotions bubble up inside of him again, but just as he felt another wave of anguish consume him; he felt the most tentative hands cup his shoulders.

"I'm going in for an awkward hug." She said feebly, her face scrunched up.

He did laugh this time, she looked so pathetic and so horrifically out of place. Lily would have asked if he needed a hug, Mary would have just given him one after one look at him and the boys wouldn't have even considered that he wouldn't have wanted it. But Marlene seemed to have not the slightest clue what she was doing and that gave him enough of a distraction to appreciate the gesture.

"Do you want to hug me?" He asked, his voice nearly cocky.

"You don't look like a hugger, but I don't know…This isn't my area, can I interest you in an insult?"

Sirius shook his head.

"You know what?...I've seen you naked, I'm going to do this, and then I'm going to leave." She said determinedly. "…Unless you don't want to be touched."

"I obviously don't have that problem."

She blushed at the implication, "Fine…then I'm going to do it."

"Alright…do it."

"I'm going to."

A laugh betrayed him from the torn expression on her face.

"I'm glad this is amusing you!" Marlene smacked his arm.

"It actually is."

Her expression softened and she leaned forward and as stiffly as possible place her arms around his. She was about to lift off of him, stand up and walk out like she had said. Already she had stayed too long. But the minute his arms wrapped around her and Marlene couldn't even consider leaving. There were times, months ago when she would reason with herself. Where she would think logically and see the path every decision she made had, but that time was long gone.

Somehow, during the course of three months she'd lost track of her sins and stopped berating herself for every error in judgment she made. At some point she …just…stopped, and she had no idea what she was doing anymore. Why would any sane person be sitting against the castle wall with someone she was supposed to hate consoling them on the death of their mother figure? They wouldn't, but she was too far gone to understand it anymore. Whatever it was she was clearly too far gone to talk herself out of it.

Sirius never thought too deeply about his own actions. He actually made a point to avoid looking internally at all costs, but lately he'd been rethinking a few things. At first he tried to say he was just in a bit of a mood for introspection, but every time it seemed to stem from being around her and what being around her was doing to him.

Everything was simple before. People were either good or they were evil, and if girls were evil then they were usually especially good in bed. That was it. He never had to look any further into it than that. But this wasn't a situation he would have ever allowed before.

Mary was the only girl he allowed to hug him longer than three seconds, and even then it was only for a purpose, like winning a game or doing especially well on a test. He'd never let her see him like this, only James had and that was because Sirius didn't really have a choice; Sirius showed up at James's house, there was no hiding what state he was in. But instead of crawling into a bottle of firewiskey or burying himself into a woman, he was here. He didn't doubt she would give him sympathy sex or that it would help him ignore his loss for a few moments, but for once he didn't want it.

Not specifically from her, he just wasn't in the mood in general and instead actually preferred this.

Sirius could smell the scent of coconuts from the shampoo she always used and scent calmed him. It usually propelled him into action, but not this time. He just leaned into her, gradually growing to tugging her all the way into his lap and sinking his head into her shoulder. She didn't protest, but she did tense up at first before tightening her own hold on him and placing her jaw on his shoulder.

They didn't speak.

At one point he began to cry and the sky grew so dark from the fall of night that neither of them could scarcely see anything. They both considered letting go, but they never did. Not until the rain came down heavy, and they were soaked to the bone.

When that happened, she slid off of him and they helped each other to stand, their hands finding each other in the darkness before they bolted into the castle.

Sirius closed the thick Great Hall doors and shook the water off of himself like a rabid dog, and she giggled and flinched away from him. But he grabbed her around her stomach and rubbed his face all over her; her back, her cheeks, her shoulder, everywhere.

If he had ever been in love before he would have realized that this was it, but he had no idea. He didn't know how recklessly he was throwing his heart into the fire. He didn't know how this was going to break him worse then he'd ever been hurt before, how could he? Sirius Black had never seen this coming. If he had, he would have ran as fast and as hard as he could in the other direction. And perhaps that would have been better for him. Maybe he would have been better off never having picking a fight with her at Alice Prewett's party. But he did, and that decision was always going to haunt and scar him.

As he spun her around and kissed her with such abandon and recklessness, he didn't know and he didn't care. Because in that second, in that sloppy, unplanned moment; she was thing that was keeping him alive. He had been so low before she stumbled into him and now he was laughing, now he didn't forget his pain, he just saw something brighter and more filling. He saw Marlene.