"Mixed Feelings" – Part 12: "In Too Deep"

Title: "Mixed Feelings"

Author: ducainefan

Rating: M (to be safe)

Subject: H/C relationship

NOTES: This part of the story takes place during "Deep Freeze." Again, it's kind of a "fill-in-the-blanks" for us DuCaine fans. Lord knows we could use some good scenes between these two! I'm still tryin' to keep the story "canon," and it's obviously still a challenge. (Tryin' to have a little fun w/this chapter too – you'll see ;) ) Your comments are inspiring and help me keep goin' with this one, even when DuCaine seems hopeless on-screen. Feedback is much appreciated – Please let me know what you think!

Part 12

"I can't believe you watch this stuff, Calleigh," Jake said, taking a bite from his egg roll. "I mean, who cares what's goin' on with the fat cats in Hollywood. They don't know what a real job is anyway."

"Well, I don't know, I just guess it's just fun," Calleigh replied in a girlish tone, raising up the volume of the television. They were both sitting on the couch, packed boxes surrounding them.

"So I guess my company's startin' to bore you, huh?" Jake asked in a mock-hurt tone.

"Not at all," she said, slapping him playfully. "I just like to see how the other half lives."

"Well, there's a couple of people that might not be so well off," Jake said, pointing to the screen.

Pictures of an actor and actress flashed across the screen as the host of the entertainment show described the latest gossip: "While the hot hit show Murder, Inc. might be taking viewers by storm, the two leads are generating some buzz of their own. When confronted by Inside Entertainment reporters, producers declined to comment on the fact that the two stars had not shared a scene for nearly the entire season."

"Makin' millions of dollars a year and they can't keep their egos in check on the job? Now that's a crime," Jake commented.

"They didn't say that," Calleigh chimed in defensively. "Besides, you can't believe everything you see on TV, Jake," she added, turning her attention back to the screen. "I was wondering why Lucas and Diana weren't talkin'," Calleigh said thoughtfully as she ate a forkful of her chow mien.

"Lucas and Diana? Calleigh what are you—"

"The two main characters on that show. You know it's a shame, too. I always liked them together. I hope things work out."

"Calleigh, it's a TV show…"

"Well, sure, but it's also a great way to escape sometimes."

"Escape? By watching a fictitious crime drama? Cal, they don't even know what we do."

"Well, it's true, they skip some procedures and fudge some things. But I still love it. I think it was the characters that drew me in at first …"

"Please tell me you're joking."

"What can I say? I TiVo it every week," she said with a smile.

"When exactly do you have time to watch it?"

"Oh, here and there."

"Well, now that I'm back in your life, I intend to keep you extremely busy. As a matter of fact, give me a few minutes, and I guarantee you that Lucky and Dana will be the last thing on your mind."

"Lucas and Diana," she corrected him, shutting off the TV. "But anyway, I am beat from all this packing."

"Well, I'm glad you're not takin' all those magazines with you too," Jake said, rolling his eyes.

"Oh, you're not ready for that collection yet," she drawled. They both laughed and sat in silence for a little while, finishing their makeshift dinner.

"You know, Calleigh," Jake started, "I get the funny feeling your boss doesn't like me very much."

Calleigh looked up, trying to hide her nervousness. "Now why would you say that?" she asked hesitantly.

"I don't know," he sighed, stretching. "He's always so … moody, you know? All I ever heard about him was what a great cop he is, or CSI, whatever. And he is good … but there's somethin' about him … I can't really put my finger on it."

"I wouldn't worry about it, Jake," she said, looking down at her food. "Horatio's just not the type of person who pats your back every time you do your job right. I guess that's what makes it so special when he does say you did a nice job."

"Well, I'm not lookin' to feel special, Cal. I just wanna feel like I belong, you know? "

"You do, Jake. I think you're gellin' just fine with the rest of the team."

"I want his respect, Calleigh," he said, looking at her. "And I want him to stop lookin' at me like I'm some carbon copy of his little brother."

Calleigh looked at him, surprised. "Why would you think that?"

"Just somethin' he said to me once," Jake explained. "Said he had a brother undercover, like me."

"Raymond," Calleigh said, nodding.

"Yea, heard he got busted for bein' a dirty cop."

"Something like that," Calleigh swallowed.

"Well anyway, he said his brother got into some bad stuff, and never got out. But I told him that wouldn't happen to me, and I know it won't. Especially not with you by my side." Jake took Calleigh's hand and squeezed it, and she smiled back at him. "I'm glad I got out when I did, Calleigh. That bust you guys made last year was a blessin' in disguise, I'll tell ya. I was dyin' on the inside."

"Well, I'm glad we could be of some help to you," she replied, leaning in closer.

"Yea," Jake rasped. "Well anyway, I just wish H would cut me a break. I mean haven't I proved myself on the job? I just don't know what do …"

"You called him H," Calleigh said with a smile.

"What?" Jake asked, confused.

"Before, when you were talking. You called him H."

"Yea, yea I guess I did. So?"

"So … only his team calls him that, and I think now that you're part of the team you should start acting like it."

"You mean call him H? You think that's gonna—"

"It's an affectionate nickname. It's a way of showin' your commitment, in a way, I guess."

"I never hear you call him H," Jake said skeptically.

"Umm … Well, truth be told, I always liked his name. It's different, unique. Besides, I always thought nicknames were a 'guy' thing."

Jake laughed, putting down his carton of Chinese food and leaning in close. "So maybe using his nickname is some sorta male bonding ritual, is that what you're tellin' me?"

"Try it and find out," she said cheerfully, placing her own bowl of food on the nearest box. "Oh, and while you're at it, stop tryin' so hard – he knows you're just lookin' to do a good job. You don't have to be hot-shot about it."

"Me? A hotshot? You wound me Calleigh," Jake replied with a grin.

"I just call 'em like I see 'em, Berkeley," she smiled, stretching and looking at her watch. "Now, I should probably be getting back. Gotta get up early tomorrow."

"Why go back? Stay tonight."

"Jake, you know, I'm … I'm just not in the mood for … you know…"

"Uhhuh," Jake nodded. "Listen, I know a lot of our relationship, at least in the past, was based on … well … sex, but I'm not the same person anymore, Cal." She blushed, looking at him, trying to read his expression. "Besides," he continued, "I'm pretty beat myself."

"So you wanna flip for the couch, detective?"

"Nah, I got the couch," he smiled, winking at her.

"All right, but no sneakin' in in the middle of the night, Berkeley," she warned, getting up.

"I wouldn't dream of it," he replied, smiling mischievously.

"Somehow, I think you would," she said, arching an eyebrow. "Sweet dreams, detective," she added, giving him a soft kiss before walking toward the bedroom.

"Sweet dreams, 'Officer Pretty,'" he called.

Stopping at the doorway, Calleigh turned. "Hey Jake," she said, and he turned around, looking at her hopefully. "I hate it when you call me that," she said in her sweetest voice.

"What?" he asked, his face dropping.

"Just keep it Calleigh, OK? Like I said, nicknames are for guys."

"Gotcha," he said. "Won't happen again."

"Alright then," she replied. "Now you remember, no skulking around the door at 3 a.m., mister."

"On my honor, Cal," he said with a smile.

"I'm holding you to it. Goodnight, Jake."

"'Night Cal," he said as she closed the door to the room.

On the other side of the door, Calleigh sighed, flopping down on the bed. Jake had been so sweet the last few weeks, and she was starting to feel like she was in a normal relationship again. The problem was, she wasn't sure if it was the right one. She kept reminding herself that Jake had worked hard to turn his life around, that he was different. Maybe too different, she thought.

She kicked herself for thinking so negatively, but she couldn't help it. The reality was, Calleigh was still heartsick. Whatever Jake did, whatever Jake said, she was always comparing him to Horatio. She knew it wasn't fair, but she missed her LT terribly. That closeness they shared, it seemed to be hanging by a thread since he broke things off, and broke her, because deep down she knew she still loved him.

'This was his decision, and I have to respect that,' Calleigh told herself. But that thought just made her even angrier. The breakup was one of the few times Horatio hadn't treated her like an equal. Even though she knew he was just looking out for her safety, Calleigh couldn't help but feel slightly betrayed by the whole thing. But at the same time, she loved the man and wanted to be there for him.

'You have a good thing right here, right now.' That was the second thing she told herself before going to bed at night, trying to remember that she still had Jake, and that was worth something. Back at the academy, she fell in love with him, and now she keeps trying to convince herself that she could learn to love him again.

'Things will work out.' That phrase was the only one that helped her sleep at night, and this night was no different. She went to the bathroom to wash up before going to bed, but remembered that she hadn't yet brought her toothbrush over to his apartment. While that fact would be insignificant to some, Calleigh felt tears sting her eyes as she searched Jake's medicine cabinet for a spare toothbrush. That feeling of intimacy, that closeness, she just wasn't there yet with Jake, and as silly as it may sound to some, the fact that her toothbrush was still at her place confirmed that for her.

"Things will work out," she said out loud, running her hands through her hair and looking at her reflection. "They have to."

----------------------------------------------------

The case was big, and Calleigh was beginning to chomp at the bit. Bad leads and a missing murder weapon — coupled with the fact that Alexx couldn't autopsy the body — were starting to frustrate her. She was walking toward the hallway when she saw Horatio sitting on one of the benches, looking at a picture.

"Hey," she said with a half-smile. "Everything OK?"

Horatio looked up suddenly, caught off-guard. "Umm … yea, yea everything's fine," he said, standing up quickly. Seeing the pain in his eyes, she gave him a sympathetic look.

"You get anything from that photo I found at Martin Wilson's place?"

"Yea, yea I did," he said softly, swallowing.

"So what's the connection?"

"The boy is Doug McClain's son."

"You're kidding," Calleigh said in surprise. "Where is he now?"

"He's umm…" Horatio paused, looking to the side, averting Calleigh's gaze.

"Oh, Horatio," she said sadly. "What happened to him?"

"Well … he had a rare kidney disease and … he didn't make it."

Calleigh sighed, looking down at the picture. "But how does this have anything to do with our murder?"

"It appears the mother is Wendy Legassic."

"What?" she said, looking up suddenly. "Well, if McClain abandoned his son, that could certainly give her motive." Horatio didn't respond, still looking at the photograph. "Horatio?" He looked up suddenly, and she could see the pain in his eyes. "Horatio," she said softly, but he shook his head, taking a step back.

"I'm fine," he said, forcing a smile. Calleigh swallowed, looking down and nodding, but not believing him one bit. Still, she thought it best to humor him at this point. If he didn't want her help, she wouldn't force it on him.

"Did McClain know about his son?" she asked, looking back up.

"That is what I'm about to find out," Horatio said, brushing past her and walking away. Calleigh sighed, watching him walk down the hall with a heavy heart.

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"Horatio," Rick Stetler called, walking up the steps to the lab. "Got a minute."

"For you, Rick, always." Horatio said with a sarcastic grin.

"What? No thanks for the help this afternoon with that court order?"

"Thank you, Rick," Horatio said flatly, placing his hands on hips. "Now, what can I do for you?"

"Seems we've got a problem with one of your CSIs," Stetler said in a slightly cheerful tone. Horatio narrowed his eyes, giving him a hard look as Stetler continued. "It appears Calleigh Duquesne is breaking our new policy regarding interdepartmental relationships."

"You mean the one you just pushed through, Rick?"

"That came down from the chief, Horatio."

"And at who's urging?"

Stetler shoved his hands in his pocket, looking frustrated. "You know, Horatio, if it hadn't been for that bomb we found in Calleigh's car, I may never have seen the light on this thing. On-the-job relationships are just too dangerous, you know?"

"I do," Horatio replied, an edge to his voice. "You should know first-hand, right Rick?"

"Yea, well, that's ancient history now."

"What about my CSI?"

"Oh, yea, that. Well, it seems like her colleague Eric Delko ratted her out. She's been seeing Jake Berkeley, hasn't she?" Horatio stood silently, jaw clenched. "Horatio, if you know anything, and you're holding back on me…"

"Her private business is her private business," Horatio replied tensely.

"Not when it involves protocol," Stetler retorted. "Besides, I heard about some pictures circulating through certain channels … Maybe I should ask Yelina about all this?"

"Stay out of it, Rick," Horatio warned.

"Listen, I don't like this IAB crap any more than you do, but I'm just trying to do my job. You know how these relationships can get – if they end it could affect job performance, and that becomes my business. Besides, we all saw how well it worked out with you and Calleigh, didn't we?"

Horatio looked down in anger, then took a step forward, leaning in close. "If you have any questions about my CSI's personal life, why don't you ask her directly?"

"Funny, that's what Delko said. Maybe I'll just take it up with Jake, how about that?"

"It's your call, Rick," Horatio said, putting on his sunglasses. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have a real job to attend to." With that, Horatio sped past him, walking toward his Hummer.

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Standing in front of her locker, Calleigh slowly put her gear away for the evening. Placing her gun on the top shelf, she paused, feeling for the picture that was there. Pulling it out, she looked at it, tears forming in her eyes.

"Damn it," she hissed, slamming her hand against her locker. "Damn it." She didn't want to break down at the lab, but she was having trouble holding back her emotions. Her world was crumbling. First Horatio had ended their relationship, and now Jake wanted to cool things down. All because of this new policy.

'Cool off - What the hell does that mean?' she thought to herself angrily. She was still mad at Eric, even though she knew it wasn't all his fault. Jake could've stepped up for once instead of backing down to Stetler's demands. Sighing, she sat down on the bench.

"What the hell is wrong with me?" she whispered, shaking her head and looking down at the picture. "I guess I'm just no good for anyone."

"That's not true," a familiar voiced called softly.

"Horatio?" she said in surprise, looking up suddenly. "I, umm … hey."

"Hey," Horatio said, walking from the doorway to her locker. "You OK?"

"Yea, I'm fine," she said, quickly wiping at the few tears that had fallen.

"You don't look fine," he replied, sitting down next to her. "You wanna talk about it?"

"If Stetler catches us in here together, he'll have your head. You know that, right?"

"I'm not afraid of him," Horatio smiled. "What's goin' on?"

"How would you feel if I switched to nights?"

"W-what? What are you talking about?" Horatio asked, caught off-guard.

"Stetler found out about me and Jake, said we were breaking some sort of new protocol," Calleigh sighed. "So basically, either one of us changes shifts so we don't have to work together, or we have to end our relationship."

"I see," Horatio said carefully. "Well, Calleigh, if that's – if that's what you want I—"

"God, I don't want this, Horatio," she snapped, turning to him. "I mean I don't … I know what I want, but I can't have it. Isn't that right?"

"Calleigh…"

"I mean, especially now," she continued, anger in her voice. "Now that this new policy has all of a sudden come out."

"Sweetheart—"

"Don't," she said sharply, tears in her eyes, "just … just don't, OK? I can't take this. You know, Jake and I, we were just starting to get to know each other again, and I was just starting to … to move on … and …" She trailed off, looking away, brushing away tears.

"I'm sorry," Horatio said in a low voice. "I'm so sorry."

"Why?" she asked, turning to him. "You didn't have anything to do with this … did you?" Horatio swallowed, looking down. "Oh my God…"

"Calleigh, it's not what you think."

"Then what is it, Horatio? What the hell did you tell Stetler?"

"I didn't tell him anything," Horatio said gently. "But I think our relationship might've facilitated this new … policy."

"You mean our former relationship, right Horatio?" she said in disgust. "Well that's terrific. That's just great. I mean, I try to move on, I try to have a life with someone, but you keep coming back to haunt me."

"I never meant for this."

"I know," she rasped. "I know you didn't."

"Calleigh…"

"You know what the real kicker is, Horatio?" she said through tears, looking him in the eye. "I'm still in love with you."

Horatio broke eye contact, looking down and sighing. "I … um … I don't know what to say, Calleigh," he rasped.

"Look me in the eye, Horatio. Look me in the eye and tell me you don't love me."

Lifting his head, he gave her a vulnerable look, tears forming in his own eyes. "I … I can't," he choked out.

Calleigh shook her head, letting a tear fall. "Then maybe I really should move to nights," she said, a tremor in her voice.

"Please don't," Horatio whispered, still looking down, unable to meet her gaze.

"Why? Why are you doing this to me?" she said through tears. "If we can't be together … it's just getting too hard to see you every day."

"I'm sorry, I guess I'm just being selfish," he swallowed, looking at his hands.

"No, you're being pig-headed," she replied. "Jake and I … things were getting serious between us…"

"I won't stop you," Horatio said, finally looking up at her, "but can I ask you something?" Calleigh simply nodded. "Why isn't Jake the one considering the switch to nights?"

"I … I don't know," she sighed.

"Professionally speaking, it seems to me that you're established in your career and worked hard to get to where you are. Why would someone who cares about you ask you to turn your life upside down, especially when he's the new kid in town?"

"I can't answer that, Horatio, but what choice do I have? You made it clear that, despite our mutual feelings, we can't be together, and I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life."

"You could do so much better," Horatio rasped.

"Thanks for your two cents," she half-laughed. "But you don't know Jake outside the job. He's … he's a good guy. And you should give him a chance."

"I am," Horatio replied. "I'm just concerned…"

"Concerned about what? That he's just like your brother?"

Horatio swallowed, looking down. "What … why would you say that?"

"Jake was telling me about something you said to him once …"

"I said what I did because I didn't want to see him end up like Ray … Because I knew you cared about him."

"You think he's just like Ray, Horatio?" Calleigh asked, turning toward him.

"I um … I don't know. I just, I have a gut feeling Calleigh, and I'm afraid, whatever he's into, he's going to bring you down with him."

"A leopard doesn't change his spots?" Calleigh asked. Horatio flinched, remembering Yelina speaking those same words to him in Brazil shortly before his brother died.

"I'm not saying—"

"You know what? I think you've said enough, Horatio," she said, getting up. He glanced up at her, a sad look in his eyes. "Horatio don't look at me like that," she sighed.

"Does this mean I should put through the transfer papers?" he asked sadly.

"I … no," she sighed. "I'm not going anywhere … for now. I just have to sort this out, find out where he really stands. I'm sure you can understand that."

"I do understand," he rasped, standing. "And I'm here for you."

"Horatio," she said, taking a step back, "I don't know if I want you that close right now, OK?"

Ducking his head, Horatio swallowed, and caught a glimpse of the picture in her hand. He raised his eyebrows, studying it silently.

"Horatio?" she asked, looking down at the picture.

"That's a nice photograph," he rasped. "May I see it?"

"Umm… sure," she said hesitantly, handing him the photo. Pictured was a much younger Calleigh Duquesne in an academy T-shirt and jeans. Next to her stood a similarly younger Jake Berkeley, wearing a baseball cap and leather jacket.

"This from your academy days?" he asked in a low voice.

"Yea," she said, "during our last year."

"You look …"

"20 years younger?" Calleigh half-laughed.

"I was going to say, you look beautiful."

"Horatio—"

"I'm sorry, I just … you look very happy here. Were you happy?"

"For a while," she said, swallowing. "I guess I never got to tell you that much about Jake and I before … you know."

"There's no need," he said gently, handing her back the photograph.

"I guess there's not anymore," she sighed, taking it and putting it back in her locker.

"Did you love him?" Horatio asked suddenly, and she turned around, surprised he'd asked the question.

"Well … I thought I did … at the time," she said carefully.

"And what about now?"

"Jury's still out," she said, looking him in the eye.

"I see …" Horatio looked down, and she could see he had more questions for her, but was afraid to push further.

"I know what you're wondering, Horatio," she said, crossing her arms. "Why did we break up all those years ago, right? Well, I'll tell you, just for your own edification. After we graduated, he had a choice between becoming a beat cop or going undercover. He chose the latter and that meant saying goodbye to me."

"So basically he put his career before you — that's why it ended," Horatio replied, arching an eyebrow as Calleigh turned away. "Sounds familiar," Horatio said, looking up.

Anger flashed in Calleigh's eyes, but she restrained herself. "You're thinking he's doing it to me again, right?"

"It would seem that way."

"Well, we'll see about these new rules … Rick Stetler can kiss my ass for all I care."

"You should be careful, Calleigh," Horatio warned gently. "It's one thing for Jake to choose his career over you, but it's quite another if he ruins your career in the process."

"I'll take my chances," Calleigh said, running a hand through her hair. "Unlike some people, I'm not afraid of taking risks to make a relationship work."

"Calleigh I—"

"I didn't mean it to come out that way, Horatio," she sighed. "I just … if it's really over between us, then I have to get on with my life, you know?"

"I just want you to be happy," he rasped.

"You know what would make me happy?" she asked. He looked up, arching an eyebrow. "You would make me happy, Horatio. You did for the nine months we were together. But you took that away from me."

"I, I did it to protect you," he said.

"I can take care of myself," she retorted. "I am a police officer, you know."

"I know," he rasped. "It hasn't … It's been difficult for me, believe me, Calleigh. I've ... missed you. But I've been thinking about this, I've been over it again and again. In our line of work, I realize we could lose each other in an instant … but I still can't … I just don't want that to be because of me."

Calleigh simply shook her head, holding back tears. Turning, she closed her locker, keeping her back to him. "Devil in the dark," she whispered.

"What?" he asked, moving to the side, trying to see her expression. She turned to him, leaning against the locker.

"You need to find a way to exorcize those demons, Horatio."

"My? What—"

"You can't get past your brother's death, or Marisol's. Or even Speed's for that matter. And that guilt is changing you into someone I hardly recognize."

"Calleigh, I—"

"It's not just with me, Horatio. You've been distant from the team, removed. I can hardly ever find you in the lab anymore. And let's not talk about your body count from the last few years – I've seen the paperwork. When we were together, I thought I could help you—"

"You do help me," he rasped.

"You need more than me, Horatio. I think you need to talk to a professional about all this."

"I don't need counseling."

"No?" she replied sharply, stepping in front of him, cornering him against the locker. They both could feel the heat between them, but she was too angry to act on it. He shifted uncomfortably, defensive, as she continued. "You're not being honest with me, or yourself. You think you can let the job be your therapy, but it's not working, and I can see that … and I know I'm not the only one."

"While I, I appreciate your concern, I don't want to you worry about this," he said in a low voice, swallowing.

"Well, it's a little late for that, Horatio. I am concerned about you, and that's not gonna stop, even if we're not … together … anymore."

He gave her a small smile, looking down. "What if I told you I'd think about it, OK?" he rasped.

"OK," she said, giving him a tight smile and moving back a bit, giving him room.

"Are you gonna be OK?" he asked, taking a step forward, moving into her space a bit.

"Yea, I'll be fine," she sighed.

"So I'll see you Monday?"

"See you Monday," Calleigh nodded, turning and closing her locker.

"OK then," Horatio replied, gently brushing her arm as he walked toward the doorway. "And Calleigh," he added, turning toward her, "Thank you."

She gave him a small smile in return. "Any time, handsome," she drawled, letting her affection slip out. He swallowed, giving her one last look before walking out the door.