A/N: This was originally written for the Kurtbastian Big Bang on livejournal.
Huge thanks to my sister and my friend Jassanja, who jumped in to beta-read for me, when none of the betas who signed up on the Kurtbastian Big Bang, who I wrote, answered the messages I sent to them. Also, kudos, hugs and thanks to Freakingpotter on tumblr for the wonderful art.
Additionally, I don't own Glee. I only own my OCs.
_ooo_
Chapter ElevenKurt tried to distance himself from Sebastian after his nightmare. He had to prepare himself for the inevitable disappointment. Unfortunately, though, it seemed that Sebastian had not gotten the memo. He wouldn't let Kurt avoid him. He would still drag Kurt along for snowboarding every Saturday. He'd also tried to teach Kurt how to ski once, but had given that up when Kurt had ended up going too fast. He'd panicked and hadn't remembered how to break, trying to do what he was used to from snowboarding. It was only due to Sebastian yelling at him that he'd finally remembered what to do.
Eventually, Kurt started hiding away in his room, but Urs and Reto kept letting Sebastian in, to spite his explicit instructions. They'd even gone so far as to start leaving the door unlocked for him and telling him to just come in.
_ooo_
It was the beginning of March when Sebastian barged into their room, as usual. Kurt was in the midst of sorting his pills into their container for the week. He panicked and tried to hide them. Instead, he just knocked one of the containers over.
Immediately, Sebastian's eyes moved to the fallen container and the pills that had spilled out from it. He strode over to it, picked it up and read the label. "Wellbutrin? What are you taking Wellbutrin for, Kurt?"
Kurt's eyes were wide. "No…"
Sebastian's eyes hardened. "Kurt, tell me, what the heck are you taking this stuff for? And what's in the other bottles you're hiding?"
Kurt shook his head. "You weren't supposed to know…"
"What wasn't I supposed to know? Goddamnit, Kurt! Give me a straight answer for once! Or do I have to google this?"
Kurt started shaking and kept repeating, "No, no, no, no…"
Sebastian gripped him and tugged his arms from behind him, alarmed to see more prescription drugs in his grasp. He pried them from Kurt's grasp and placed them on the table along with the Wellbutrin.
A humming sound filled Kurt's ears as he wrapped his arms around himself. His breath labored as he trembled. He heard people talking, but couldn't make out what they were saying. All he could think of was that Sebastian knew. He knew. He knew. Everything was over. He would leave and Kurt hadn't had the chance to free himself of the attachment to Sebastian first. His vision grew blurry.
He felt someone grasping his arms and shaking him. A few words muddled through the humming, "Snap… it… Kurt!"
He felt himself being manhandled and sat down on the bed. Arms surrounded him and he could feel the person breathing. The scent was familiar. He should know it.
The same voice as before spoke frantically, "Breathe!"
There was a pause, then a new voice, a female voice, came telling him, "Follow… breathing. In…" He felt the person holding him breathe in. "Out…" The person breathed out, pushing on Kurt's diaphragm, forcing him to also exhale. "In…" He shakily managed to inhale. "Out…" Again, he was forced to exhale.
This continued for a while, until the humming died down and he realized that, at some point, Margarete had come. She'd been the female voice telling him when to breathe.
Sebastian's voice sounded from behind him, "God, Kurt, you scared me…"
Kurt blinked. "What…?"
Margarete told him, "Urs called me a few moments after Sebastian came in. You had an anxiety attack."
Kurt blinked again. "Huh?"
"Let's bring you to the medical center and let you rest there, okay?"
"Hmm…" Kurt answered, falling asleep.
"We'll talk to Sebastian when you're awake again, okay?"
"Uhuh," Kurt shook his head slightly before his eyes drifted shut.
The last thing he heard was Margarete asking, "So, who's going to help transport him to the medical center?"
_ooo_
It was several hours later when Kurt woke up. The first thing he felt was a hand holding his own. It was familiar, but not large enough. It wasn't big enough to be his father's hand. Kurt opened his eyes and shut them again right away to shield them from the sudden light.
The second time he opened them, he looked over to see Sebastian sitting on his right side. He was frowning, looking at his cell phone that was situated in his right hand. He looked over at Kurt to see he was awake.
The first thing he asked was, "How long have you been on antidepressants?"
Kurt shook his head.
Sebastian looked sternly at him. "No, you are not getting out of it this time. I've let too many things pass. I've let you have your freedom. Now, tell me."
Kurt stammered, "S… S… Since… Since shortly after… shortly after Christmas…"
"How long have you been depressed?"
Kurt closed his eyes, finally admitting it to himself. "Since my dad died last year on April twenty-fifth, at ten-thirty PM, from a heart-attack."
Sebastian visibly winced and closed his eyes. He lifted his right hand, still holding his cell phone to his head. "So… everything we had… it wasn't really consensual, was it…"
Kurt blinked and frowned. "But I wanted it. It made me feel better."
"No, you don't understand. It wasn't consensual. I was taking advantage of you! I thought… I asked… you were acting so different… I should have put the pieces together! I'm not dumb! I've seen this before! How could I not have seen it? How could I have been so blind?"
Kurt queried, "Huh?"
Margarete's voice preceded her through the open door to her office, "As ineloquently put as that was, it's a good question, Sebastian. How could you have recognized it?"
"My mom… all those men that flock to her… she doesn't exactly push them away. She's been married at least half a dozen times to men but, despite all the men she goes through – whether she marries them or not – they never satisfy her. She's been broken ever since my father left her for a younger, prettier American girl. I mean, okay, I guess it's not the same, but… I just hate seeing her like that. I hate the fact that I know she'll do it again. She's in this vicious cycle that she can't break out of – doesn't want to break out of. I never want to end up like her. I never wanted to fall in love."
"You know, sometimes all it takes is time. My dad spent eight years grieving for my mother before he was ready to date again. I set him up with her because of a misguided crush on her son, but they really hit it off. Maybe she hasn't found the right person."
"Your mom is dead?"
"Of all of that, that's what you picked up on?" Kurt asked incredulously.
"So, let me get this straight; you're an orphan?"
Kurt nodded.
Sebastian's eyes grew slightly wider and his mouth dropped a bit. He stated, "You didn't have anyone, did you? You were all alone."
"I had an uncle, aunt, two sets of grandparents and my," he hesitated, "friends."
Sebastian shook his head. "No, you had no one. They sent you here. They sent you away. Rather than deal with you, rather than help you deal, they fostered the responsibility off on the school, on Margarete. They didn't want it. They didn't want you."
Kurt shook his head. "No, they had reasons. I heard them. They couldn't."
"Then why couldn't they choose a school closer, huh? Why send you all the way off to Switzerland? Why send you somewhere where you don't know anyone? Where you don't even speak the local language? They were getting rid of you in a way that wouldn't leave them a bad conscience. That's why you stay here every break you can."
"But airplane tickets are…"
"And those vacations they pay for here aren't expensive? Get real! Those probably cost just as much as an airplane ticket would!"
Kurt felt as if he'd been punched in the gut. Sebastian was voicing all the thoughts he'd been keeping to himself. "But my grandparents are old. They can't take care of me!"
"Bullshit! They managed just fine when you were there for Christmas, didn't they? Face it: they were just looking for excuses!"
"My great-grandfather was an alumnus here…"
Sebastian rolled his eyes. He snarked, "Yeah, that's a fine reason to stick you here."
"It's a good school…"
"There's plenty of good schools – boarding schools even – in Ohio. Just face it – even if they can't admit it themselves – they just don't want to have a kid kicking around – not that close."
Margarete easily inserted herself into the conversation, "Now, I'm sure they had very good reasons for sending Kurt here. His great-grandfather having been an alumnus means that they knew how good the quality of education here was going to be. An International Baccalaureate will open many doors that a high school diploma might not. Many countries don't trust a high school degree, because they hear all sorts of things about students who have received them and, for instance, don't know where the equator is. It simply isn't worth as much, internationally speaking, as the IB is."
Sebastian commented, "You're paid to say that."
"Actually, I'm not. I leave that to the board members who travel around to talk about how great our school is. They do actually get paid to do it. Me? I deal with students who are already here. Why should I have to advertise our program? Now, since we got off-topic, I was quite interested in hearing your version of things, Sebastian, so continue."
Sebastian blinked. "O…kay?"
"Now, why do you think that Kurt has been sleeping with you? Why do you think it made him feel better?"
Sebastian paused for a moment to think. He fidgeted with his cell phone, putting it down, picking up again and finally slipping it into his pocket.
Margarete commented, "On a completely irrelevant side-note, Sebastian, did you know that men carrying their cell phones in their pockets for too long can lead to infertility?"
He quickly took it out of his pocket and put it on the table next to Kurt's bed.
Kurt giggled.
Sebastian grumbled. "It's not funny!"
Margarete nodded. "No, it isn't. Now that we don't have that distracting you anymore, why don't we get back to the subject at hand. Why do you think Kurt slept with you, knowing everything you do now?"
Sebastian clasped his hands together and raised them to his mouth. He pursed his lips and swallowed. "Because he needed to be wanted by someone?"
Margarete nodded, "That's what I suspect. Kurt hasn't actually told me that in so many words, but I've been able to gather as much. Now, if you'd known about this when things got started, would you have agreed?"
Sebastian stood up in his seat. "No way! That's… that's… that's taking advantage! I never would! I never wanted to…!"
"And, now that you know, what will you do?"
Sebastian blinked. "I… I don't know. I can't leave him. Not now."
"Why?" she asked.
"Because. Just because."
"Because of what?" she pressed.
Sebastian turned to look Kurt in the eye. "Because I've fallen in love with you, Kurt."
Kurt's eyes widened and he frantically shook his head.
Sebastian sat down heavily on the chair. "I never wanted to, believe me Kurt. After seeing my mom… I swore to never fall in love, but you still wormed your way in. The way you light up when you smile. You bring more life into a room just by being there. Your innocent, charming ways drive me insane. The most endearing thing is that you don't even realize how sexy you're being half the time! You listened to me. You actually cared to ask me, rather than just believing the rumors circulating about me. You gave me a chance to see what it's like when you're making love. The first time we had sex – all I could think about was making your first time amazing: something to remember. You're able to stand toe-to-toe with me when I'm being snarky and sarcastic and give back as good as you get. You're the first one to be able to do that – to even try – and it's such a turn-on for me. And… you're beautiful. I honestly can't understand why every guy who isn't completely straight isn't running after you." He paused. "God, you're turning me into a complete, mushy nutcase!"
"Sebastian," Kurt called out hesitantly, "please, don't love me. I… I don't want to lose you… I don't think… I don't think I could bear that…"
Sebastian ruffled Kurt's hair, earning an irritated squack in return, as Kurt tried to push his hands off to save his precious hairdo. "You idiot. You aren't going to lose me. I'll fight hell and high water to stay with you, at this point."
"And during Winter Break?"
"I didn't sleep with a single guy. I thought about it. I tried going to bars and clubs – everything I used to do – but it was so damn empty! I'm not saying that I know that I'll always be faithful, but I'll always be honest and I'll try."
Kurt shook his head. "I'm not ready."
"Then I'll wait. As long as it takes."
"Can we still sleep together?"
"It does make you feel better, doesn't it?"
"Yeah…"
"Then yes, we can."
Margarete added, "If the two of you ever need couple counseling or anything, feel free to ask. Depression is pretty difficult to deal with – in a relationship of any kind. So, if either of you think you need a mediator to help you figure things out, just tell me. Meanwhile, Kurt, we'll still be having our regular sessions."
Kurt nodded.
"Now, how are you feeling?"
"My head hurts."
"Not too surprising. You go back to sleep. I'll make sure that Sebastian goes to his dorm to sleep. Okay?"
"What time is it?"
"Time to sleep."
"Okay," Kurt replied, his eyes drifting shut.
