I do not own Inuyasha.

Again, I dedicate this chapter to Elegant Paws. Inspiration, apparently, works for more than one chapter.

-Ivy

Shimo (Frost)

When I am still, I can still feel the pressure of her lips against mine and all the gentleness and need of their velvety smoothness. I can taste her mouth open to me, willing to me, flavored with her own unique sweetness and the hindering reminder of her mortality. I can remember every sigh, every soft movement below me with that, our one and only moment, as she held to me as if I were her only hope. She needed me. She wanted me. She would have taken my offer, I am certain, if it had not been for my desire to have full-blooded mates. I knew her desperation. I knew her pain. I knew that she would only have been using me to make her pain ebb enough that she could have some sort of life… And it would have been a lie if I'd said that I thought she'd ever really love me the way she had loved the bastard hanyou who never really saw her worth, but I knew, in time, if she'd accepted me, she would have found some sort of kindling within her for me and I would have sheltered that light I had put there as if it were my own soul and breath and life. But I should have remembered her pride.

My Kagome never was one to run second to anyone, perhaps with the exception of the undead miko Inuyasha favored so heavily. Had he asked of her what I asked of her, to play second to Ayame who was already second in my heart, she would have said yes. I should have known she would have said no to me with that being the proposal. She could never love me the way she loved that undeserving asshole… But I never should have left her that day. I ran because of my own pride and that pride cost me my freedom and any chance I had with her. I should have stayed and severed myself from Ayame. I should have made Kagome mine forever and then, perhaps, I would be the one holding her and walking by her side as Sesshomaru does now. I can see them, watching the Ume bloom. She is crying slow tears and he is holding her close. The Taiyoukai realizes something I never could. Purity of blood does not matter when love is concerned. She should have been mine, but she is his now and, for all her tears, I see a smile in her eyes. I see the light that he put there and, while I hate him for taking my place, I cannot help but wish to thank him for saving her. My world would be darker for the lack of her.

My mate is watching me. Watching me watching the one I would have had, wanted to have, over her pure and royal blood. She is a princess and I should desire her more, so goes her thoughts, but what she does not know, cannot understand, is that her royal blood means nothing without a nobility of spirit. She is still so very much a child. She envies my love for Kagome even knowing now I will never reach for the miko again. It is not that she has been sullied by Inuyasha. No. That is not the reason. It is only that I know Sesshomaru, unlike me, would never have turned from her if she'd told him to go as I did. He never would have run if his pride were hurt. He simply would have stayed and waited out her storm. I love her too much to hurt her by trying to pull her from the one steady hold she has in life even if it irks me beyond words that he is not I.

"Why do you not go to her? Snatch her from his arms as you did from Inuyasha's over and over again?" Her voice is filled with bitterness I cannot and will not endure.

"True love is letting go, Ayame."

"True love? Do not fool yourself, Kouga. She will never love you as you so ardently love her."

I turn and stalk to her with a snarl. "This I know, pup. She loves Sesshomaru and I am happy for her love. It brings me peace."

"You are a liar, Kouga. You have always been a liar and always will be a liar."

I cut her words short by knocking her to the ground harshly before she can dodge. She was not expecting my violence and neither was I. I snarl and look away in shame as her eyes widen and gaze up at me in fear. Hatred, lust, desire, possession all I can accept in those perfect emerald eyes, but fear disgusts me. It disgusts me even more that I put it there. "Take your wrath out on me, Ayame. Not on Kagome. Enough has been done to her for a hundred lifetimes."

"You struck me."

"Yes."

She stands and slaps me and I am grateful for the sting. "How dare you? I am a princess of the wolf tribes! The last princess as you are the last prince. Our people are dead thanks to the hybrid of two hanyou and his lust and fixation on a woman who owns my mate's heart as well. I have every right to hate her."

I meet her furious gaze and stare her down. For a moment, I am glad for her fear. "She did not force us nor ask us to love her. We simply could not help ourselves. You don't get to choose whom you love, Ayame, you just get to choose what you do in its name, and I have chosen to help protect her and watch her find her happiness with Sesshomaru. If and when we are freed from Inuyasha, you may choose your own way, but know if you harm her or attempt to harm her, I will slaughter you unmercifully."

"But… We are mated, Kouga!"

I snarl and then smile wickedly. "You know that bond was severed when Inuyasha made us his minions, Ayame. You know that we are no more mated than I am to Kagome. When we are freed, I will not take you back."

"So you can have another chance with her?"

"Do not be foolish, woman." I growl and walk away from her toward the frozen pond. "For another chance at my own life, free of the burden of you."

------

"Do you hate me?" She looked up and met the dark inuyoukai's golden gaze. Again he spoke. "Do you hate me for what I said, Kirara? For what I did… To her and to you?"

"Don't, Inuyasha. It doesn't matter now." Her heart shattered slightly as she looked away from his piercing gaze. He would be the end of her, she had no doubt. "You are yourself and all is forgiven. You heard Kagome."

"Kagome forgave me… But you didn't." She wouldn't meet his eyes again and the chains ensured he could not stand and go to her. "Kirara, I need to tell you…"

"Please, Inuyasha." She finally looked up at him with an entirely broken expression. "I've never hated you or blamed you for any of this. You know how I feel, how I've felt the last few years, and you would be foolish to think that it has changed over the last few hours."

"That isn't what I was asking, Kirara." He said slowly and meaningfully. "What I asked is if you can forgive me."

A slow, shuddering sigh slipped through her lips and teeth before she could drag in another breath to speak while meeting his gaze. "I forgave you for what Naraku did through you, though you know I know it not to be your fault. I forgive the harsh words you said to me while I waited here with you… But I can't forgive you for what you did to me, Inuyasha." She almost smiled at the curious and pained expression adorning his rugged features. She stood and then knelt in front of him. She took his hands in hers and turned them so she could trace her palms with her fingertips before she spoke. He trembled as her whispered words drifted into his ears. "Two acts, Inuyasha. Two acts that were entirely yours while Naraku was barely under your control within you… You saved Miroku and Sango's daughter, and you gave me the strength I needed to take this form."

"I… I don't understand."

"Most Inuyoukai, even those born pure of blood, cannot and will not ever understand my meaning, Inuyasha… But I will enlighten you. My kind, born into entirely feral, animal forms are much simpler creatures. We do not grasp love or fidelity or emotion as those with human or quasi-human forms do. It is understood that the few of us who choose to take on a human form are considered more powerful in all ways, but we are separated from our true nature. We sacrifice our beast to walk among other youkai and to be the voice of our kind. When you made me… Gave me this form, Inuyasha, I was desperate to save the child of my most beloved friend. There was no choice but this and so I took what you offered without hesitation or regret. I will never be whole again. I will never again hear the call of my kind and understand the placidness of their existence. I only have this life now…" She noted the subtle shift in his expression from curiosity and hurt to a swirl of inner turmoil. She smiled faintly and slipped her wrists into his palms and then grasped his wrists, blushing when he held hers in tight response. "I can't forgive you for that because I don't want to forgive you. I know that you don't love me. I know you probably never will, and I'm at peace with that… But I would not have you hating yourself any more for anything or other. You are too beautiful, Inuyasha."

She began to pull away, but he held her there with his hands tight around her wrists. She frowned in faint confusion. "I'm sorry."

She blinked and shook her head as her confusion only grew. "I told you I won't forgive you for this…"

"No, Kirara." He said in a harsh whisper. He drew her closer, released his hold on her wrists and grasped her shoulders. His pure golden eyes were clear and warm and entirely his. He felt her tremble but did not release her. "I'm sorry for letting him… For allowing him to make you cry. Your tears cut into me like I never knew anything could… And I'm sorry."

It was terribly hard to breathe. She felt light headed a moment, but his hold was enough to steady her. She inclined her head and found his lips pressed to her brow in a soft, tender kiss and with the contact, the deep cracks throughout her fractured soul only deepened, threatening to shatter. "I forgive you… I have always forgiven you…"

"I promise I'll do everything in my power to never make you cry again, Kirara."

"Inuyasha?"

He pulled her into his embrace and placed a gentle kiss onto her cheek. "I can't say the words… I don't know if I'll ever be able to."

She pressed her eyes closed and, instead of speaking more, clung to him gently. She clung to him for, in his arms, pressed into his form, there was peace, if only within his warmth.

------

She sat in the main hall by his side quietly in the warmth provided by the thick walls of the palace and the fur, mokomokosama, which he had carefully wrapped her in on their way back inside. She stared at the food that had been placed in front of her with weak, uncertain eyes while the others ate. Her children had joined her, Sesshomaru, Miroku and Sango for the mid-day meal, but she was not hungry. She had not been hungry for the whole of the morning and, even in her growing weakness, she could not convince herself to eat. She wasn't even certain the food would stay down.

She remembered the days following her father's death and how her mother had almost wasted away with grieving. She lost so much weight in those first few days that her milk had stopped and she could no longer nurse Souta. The doctors tried to convince her to eat, but she would not heed them. Her grandfather had taken up caring for his infant grandson and beautiful little granddaughter that reminded him so much of his lost son. In the end, it had not been for the love of her own life that Kagome's mother had decided to live; it had been for the love of her daughter. Kagome, wise and stubborn child that she had always been, decided to stop eating as well. She had walked up to her mother and father's room for the first time since his death weeks before and had crawled into their bed beside her mother and had refused to budge or eat. At first, Mrs. Higurashi had not believed her daughter would follow through with her hunger strike. She was certain the first pangs of hunger when Kagome missed lunch would call her away for food, but not even the three daily meals that were brought to them tempted the little girl. Mrs. Higurashi managed to maintain her slow march toward a chosen death only a day longer, for Kagome maintained she would not eat until her mother had eaten. She would not lose both parents. She had set her mind that she would not let her mother fade away and she had won.

But she could not eat now. Her heart was too heavily laden with sorrow and the revenants of guilt that could not be pushed away and would not be silenced until Inuyasha was free of Naraku forever. She understood now how easy it had been for her mother to decide to die. Kagome had not lost her beloved, he sat to her left and was currently watching her with worried eyes, but she had lost a part of herself in a violent, soul-tearing act that she could not yet forgive herself for allowing even though it had protected her daughter. When Inuyasha had gone into hell and then Miroku and Sango had been pulled into his Kazana, shortly after Kirara had left them and Kouga had left her to live with the memory of her lost love, she had found a similar place of deep depression. The only reason she had eaten anything was the look in Shippo's deep green eyes as they tilted up to look at her with the concern and pain of a child who simply did not understand fully what was happening to her and why she was giving up. She had mused then that it was a similar look she had given her mother that had finally brought Mrs. Higurashi back. She had lived for her son as her mother had lived for her daughter's sake. Currently there was no child to draw her back from where she had gone, only those deep amber pools that fell on her so steadily and with such love it physically warmed and burnt her at once.

"Kagome, you must eat something." His voice was so steady it caused her to tremble. He reached out and caressed her cheek with gentleness and care. "You have not eaten yet today and very little yesterday."

"I have no appetite." She whispered and then curled gently against him before closing her eyes.

His lips tightened slightly as he looked down on the dark crown of her head. "I will not allow you to starve in my house, nor anywhere, Kagome."

"I'm in no danger of wasting away, yet, Love, please…"

"And I am to allow you to fall deeper into this grief and guilt ridden pit you have stumbled into?" His agitation began to touch his words. He would not let her fall away even slightly. Not even for a moment.

"I'm just not hungry." She could feel their eyes on her, all focused on the scene before them. She had closed her eyes, for the lids felt so heavy. All she wanted was to sleep.

Rin trembled and tried not to cry. She felt Shippo's hand under the table capture hers and she squeezed back lightly, holding to him for steadiness. Her father looked almost beside himself as his eyes closed completely and a faint line touched his brow. He didn't know what to do. She'd never known him to not know what to do. "Momma…" A few tears slipped down her cheeks as the miko's eyes opened slowly. Even the blue of her eyes seemed faded and tired. "Please, don't… Please."

"I'm just not hungry, Rin." She said in a soft, comforting manner and managed a weak, watery smile. "Don't cry, baby, I'll be alright, I just need to sleep."

"NO!" The outburst was so unexpected, so entirely out of character for the kitsune, even Sesshomaru tensed and looked at the young man whose fierce gaze was now focused entirely on his mother. "I won't watch you do this to yourself again. Refusing to eat. Sleeping most of the day and falling into your damned day-dreams the rest of it." He hissed at her. Her eyes widened and she trembled as Sesshomaru's arms tightened around her. "The way you go on… It's like you want to die. I know what Naraku did to you through Inuyasha. I know you still blame yourself for everything, but I've been watching you for four years, Momma. You haven't been living, you've been enduring and existing this whole time. First for me and then for Sesshomaru and Rin and now, I suspect, for our friends who have returned to us. But enduring isn't living. I've been holding my breath for four years waiting for my mother to come back to me and I refuse to watch her leave me any further."

Panic raced through her as she watched him stand and march toward the door. He was fighting tears, though she knew she was perhaps the only one who could see them. She pushed from Sesshomaru and raced to her son, managing to put her hands on his shoulders as he opened the door to leave. "Don't…"

He did not turn. "I can't watch this any more. Do you understand? The Kagome I knew… The Kagome that took me in and loved me would never have let herself fade like you have faded. You can't keep breathing just for us because just breathing and pretending to live and walk with us and laugh with us isn't the same thing as really being there." His words became clouded with tears. "I love you so much, Momma… I just want to see you smile again with all your light. I don't expect it to come back all at once… I'd be a fool to expect that and ask it of you, but I do expect you to try."

"Shippo… Shippo, I have been. I've been trying for a long time and I…"

"Don't lie." He said harshly and turned to her so she could see the tears fall. He grasped her by her shoulders so she could not move. "Don't lie, Momma! I've been with you through everything and I know everything. I read you better than any other person I've ever known, so don't lie to me!" He noted her panic and fear and sorrow. For an instant, he didn't care and it was enough to say exactly what he'd wanted to say for four years. "You can't live for other people and call it living. That's just existing and enduring. That isn't living. The only person you should live for is yourself because, one day, that might be all you have left."

For a moment, she was dumbstruck at the pure honesty of his words and then her heart began to ache. A shuddering breath escaped as she focused on that one singular twinge within her, the spasm and ache that begged her attention. Once, years before, she had felt something breaking within her. It had been the day she had nearly accepted Kouga. The day after so many days she'd watched her beloveds leave her. It was the day her light had gone out. She'd thought that fragile part of her, the filament of her soul, was broken irreparably. She'd abandoned it and moved on and tried to live for everyone else. She'd tried to shine with the light they gave her rather than her own light and she realized entirely what that meant. For four years, she'd been given everything, but everything she'd given back had been hollow, aching, trembling and filled with more need. All she'd done was take and, even in the quaking and still fresh agony of her violation, in the shock and overwhelming truth of her friend's survival and return to her, she realized that she had to be strong again. She looked at the part of her where her light shone and warmed her that had been dark for so long and stumbled in the blackness only to find that the part she had believed was broken had somehow mended with time. She closed her eyes and drew in a shaking and fresh breath as she reached into herself and found the switch again, only to feel more than see the light as it began to flicker back to life.

"Oh, Shippo…" She whispered as tears again slipped down and wet her cheeks. She opened her eyes and they sparkled up at him as if she were just waking for a dream. She reached up and tucked a long rusty curl behind his elfin ear. "I'm so sorry I left you alone this long."

He blinked and gazed into her eyes, noting the soft light that had returned to them. It was weak and fragile and threatened to fade away again if even slightly damaged, but it was there and that was all that mattered. He leaned and gathered her into his arms, holding her tight, as if he expected her to fade away. "Just don't leave me again, ok?"

She laughed a short but musical laugh and kissed his cheek gently. "I promise."

He nodded and looked up to find Sesshomaru standing close, his eyes firmly fixed on the woman the Kitsune held so close to him. Shippo smiled and released his mother gently.

She turned to the warm, glowing energy of her beloved. She'd felt him close for a few moments, but had been entirely caught by her son and what he needed from her. When she looked up and met his deep amber eyes, she noted the pleased surprise that entered them. She moved into his embrace reflexively and smiled as his arms wrapped around her. For the first time in four years, the murky waters of her soul settled and cleared and a jewel shined on its own for the man who held her so close to his chest.

How do you mend a broken heart? How do you coax it to beat again when the ache in doing so is so great the pain of living seems more than the cold of dying? How do you piece it together and fuse the pieces so that it is again as it was? You cannot. A broken heart can only mend itself. We may sew in seams. We may disguise them in folds. We may recast and reclaim, cement with mortar and patch it with time, but in the end, the broken heart only mends under its own power. The pain never fades. The heart is never the same, but it is still a heart. It is still the main reason we keep living. All we can do, in the end, is hope, love and be patient and, sometimes, force the heart to skip a beat so it can know the true loss in stopping.