A/N
Hello lovely people,
Sorry to those of you hoping for an update sooner than this. I was torn over whether to make this a two parter but decided against it. This chapter is my longest yet and it's a rollercoaster ride of emotions for Jane. It is intense and a lot happens but I really hope you enjoy it. Please let me know your thoughts, any and all feedback is very much appreciated.
Thanks again for all your support
xx
JPOV
"Jane, I..."
Ma opens her mouth to talk but doesn't and I feel like time itself has stopped. I let out a breath I'd been holding for I don't know how long and take another. I haven't let go of Maura's hand because it's the only thing keeping me from completely losing my shit.
I've been a nervous wreck the last few days after I decided to bite the bullet and come out. But those nerves are nothing compared to the ones I feel right now. I wish I had a drink or some valium or something, anything to get me through this heart attack inducing silence.
Over the years, I've seen the way Ma reacts in a lot of different situations but I've never seen her this quiet and it's fucking killing me. There's also something behind her eyes like she's torn between saying what she really thinks and what she feels she ought to say.
"Janie," she finally speaks and I feel slight relief she's opted to go with my nickname, "I won't lie, I'm not completely surprised by you coming out. A mother knows her children and I've seen signs along the way," she sighs, "and when you met Maura I saw the way you changed," she pauses before adding, "for the better...and when you two became close and started having sleepovers and always putting each other first, I began preparing for this day"
Ma's eyes are moving between me, Maura and our joined hands. I feel Maura's hand twitch and loosen it's grip so I take the hint and reluctantly release her. I look up to notice her cheeks redden and in response I feel a blush rise to my own cheeks.
I look back at Ma and she continues, "and not only did I prepare for this day, I started to hope for it too. I love you, Janie, and I love you Maura. I just want you both to be happy"
Ma holds back the tears in favour of a proud smile and I sigh in relief, "thanks, Ma"
I watch as she stands to walk toward me. She leans down and hugs me hard. I squirm but let her have this moment. As she pulls away she places a kiss to the top of my head before moving to do the same to Maura.
I don't know what I expected Ma to say but I feel a little baffled by her response. It's weird that she treated today like Maura and I were coming out together. I know I started it by mentioning Maura but I did that to give everyone context. And surely, my family know Maura and I aren't together because they've seen her with Veronica.
"Now...let's eat!" Ma exclaims before walking to the kitchen. Frankie and Tommy follow.
I take a moment to observe Maura. She has this strange look on her face and I can't figure out whether it's shock or sadness. I do feel a bit guilty for including her in my coming out speech without persmission, but something tells me that's not what's upset her. Her eyes are trained on the seat Ma was sitting on and she's looks frozen in place.
I gently place a hand on her knee, "Maura, are you-"
She stiffens at my touch and cuts me off, "I'm okay...I just need a minute," she tells me before standing up and excusing herself to use the bathroom.
I watch her walk away and I pat the empty space on the couch she left behind. I want to follow her but I don't. I want to push her to tell me what she's thinking and why she's upset but I can't. I don't have the right to do that any more. And that realisation devastates me, especially because I know it's my own fault. I have no one to blame but myself.
I hear my family calling out my name from the kitchen so I do my best shake it off before joining them. I feel a bit better when I see them standing around stuffing their faces while not even bothering to sit down. It's moments like this that remind me why I missed them so much when I was in New York.
"Is Maura alright?" Frankie asks.
"Yeah, she just needs a minute," I tell him as I reach for a plate.
Ma reaches over to grab my chin and I'm forced to look at her, "Janie, what I said is true...I love you no matter what," she pauses, "but there are some things I didn't say and I'd like to talk to you about.. alone"
Of course she has more to say. At least I'll be able to ask her why she responded the way she did.
I swallow, "Okay, Ma, but not today. I promised Maura we'd talk"
Ma releases my chin but keeps looking at me, "Good, you two need to sort your shit out"
"Ma!" I yell and we all laugh at her swearing.
Once the laughter fades Frankie speaks up, "Ma's right Janie, you really need to fix things with Maura"
I look down at my empty plate, "I know...and I'm gonna try," I sigh before adding, "I'm just scared it's too late"
"Even if it is, you never stop trying," Ma adds, "do you hear me?"
I nod, "I hear you, Ma," I look back up to offer a smile, "thank you guys for being okay with...you know...what I said today, it means a lot"
Tommy moves his fist to scruff up my hair, "we love you, Janie, even if you have been acting like an asshole"
"Ha ha," I respond as I pull his hand off my head, "I'd punch you in the nuts if you weren't right about that"
I notice everyone look behind me and Maura returns to stand beside me. I wonder if she heard us talking but even if she did it wouldn't matter, we would have said the exact same things in front of her. I try to read her but I fail miserably because her smile is so bright and so convincing. She's doing a damn good job of hiding whatever it was that upset her.
After everyone ate, Ma helped Maura clean up. They insisted on it because I provided the food for once. After we all said our goodbyes, Maura and I are finally left alone. I start to freak out about how this conversation is gonna go and my nerves are back in full force.
We stand in the kitchen and it's awkward so I shift to open the fridge, "I'm gonna have a beer. Can I get you something?"
She simply shakes her head and with a fresh beer I signal to the couch. Maura takes a seat and fidgets with her hands. I find some relief in the fact she's looks as nervous as I feel. I take a seat next to her but make sure I put some space between us.
I take a deep breath and clear my throat, "Thank you for coming today, Maura. It means a lot to me"
She is still looking down at her hands and even though she's sitting right next to me I feel like she's a million miles away. Or maybe she's gone and put up a giant wall up to protect herself from my bullshit. I definitely wouldn't blame her if that's the case.
I almost offer to leave this conversation for another day, but I don't because I know Maura would tell me if that's what she wanted.
I keep my voice quiet and ask, "are you okay? I hope I didn't upset you when I told my family I had feelings for you. I should have asked first... or at least warned you"
She remains silent for a while and her eyes remain locked on her hands, "No. I am not upset about that, even though I did feel somewhat scrutinised at the time," she explains with a shaky voice, "But Jane, regardless of everything else that's going on between us, I am proud of you for what you did today"
Finally she looks up at me and we share a small smile, "Thank you, Maura. I was nervous as hell but I'm glad I did it," I take pause because I know this is where our conversation becomes difficult, "I just wish I'd figured all this out sooner... if I had maybe I wouldn't have fucked everything up and hurt you so bad"
"Badly," she corrects me while her smile falters and I see that look of anguish again, "and I can see why you might feel that way"
I take a gulp of beer and continue, "I know there's a lot we need to talk about... but first off, before I say anything else... I want you to know that I'm not planning to waltz back in to your life and ruin everything again," I sigh, "I saw how Veronica was with you last night and I'm glad you have someone to treat you the way you deserve," I take a a moment to collect myself, "I guess what I'm trying to say is that I respect you guys' relationship. I'm not gonna try and get in the middle or anything like that"
"I would appreciate that," her tone is neutral.
Our eyes are locked as I continue, "Secondly, all I want right now is to work on being friends again. I want to earn your trust and respect back...and I really wanna try to make up for everything I've done. Do you think you would be open to that?"
She bites her bottom lip. I see a mix of what looks like sadness and anger wash over her face, "I...yes. I would like that but so much has happened I don't know if it's possible, Jane," she lets out a frustrated sigh, "I am still so angry with you... the respect and admiration I once held for you is gone"
I feel like a knife just pierced my heart but I force myself to keep it together. I look down and take another gulp of beer.
"I know... and I understand why," I can hear the pain in my voice so I take a breath and do my best to sound stronger, "I was thinking that maybe you have some questions you wanted to ask me? And if there are, I promise to be completely honest with you. It's just...I know you hate the unknown and having to guess so maybe if I answer what you wanna know it could help you feel a bit better?"
Maura just stares at me in silence for a while and I'm not very patient so I continue, "It's up to you, Maura...it's just an idea... but I don't mind if you wanna do this another way" I pause and add nervously, "the bottom line is, I want you to feel in control of this conversation"
Maura continues to stare at me. She's deep in thought and I think she's trying to understand my intentions.
After her eyes move over my face a few more times she nods, "okay"
"Okay," I confirm.
I expect another pause but she speaks right away, "why did you come to my door the night before you left?"
My eyes widen with shock, "wow, okay... straight to a hard one," I take a shaky breath, "umm okay...well...my, uhh... my feelings for you had gotten more intense and when I saw Casey it's like he was an alien or something. I know that sounds stupid but I realised I had no idea what I ever saw in him and that you were all that mattered. I told him there was someone else and left to come see you. I was so worked up that honest to god, I really had forgotten about your date with Veronica"
I look down and realise I'm picking at the label of my now empty beer so I walk over to the fridge to get a new one. I find that standing up calms my nerves a little so instead of sitting down I wonder around the living room.
"I planned to tell you that I was ready and I wanted to be with you. I had talked myself in to such a state, I really thought that's all you'd need to hear and then we could give things a go," my eyes return to Maura and she's watching my every move with intense scrutiny, "But looking back I wasn't ready... I was acting desperate and clutching at straws," I sigh at the memory of that night, "The timing wasn't right, I was still a mess and after you told me how much you liked Veronica I realised all of that. I was being an idiot and a selfish asshole, just like I had been in the months leading up. And yeah... when all of that hit home everything came crashing down. I know I was a coward when I ran away... but I did it because I couldn't cope with...well...a lot of things...especially how much I'd fucked everything up"
Silence fills the room again as Maura takes in my words. I stop moving for a moment to take a gulp of beer. I know I ramble and jump all over the place but I hope she understood what I meant.
I hear her sigh and our eyes meet again, "what happened in New York?"
I take a seat on the chair opposite Maura and remind myself that even if what I say upsets her, I made a promise to tell the truth. And I know that even if it does hurt, the truth is the only chance we have at moving passed all of this.
I look down at my beer before returning my eyes to Maura, "I drank a shit load...more than I ever have before... I wanted to forget myself," I take a shaky breath, "I went to this lesbian bar a lot and I slept with a fair few women," I pause to let the words sink in, "But it was just sex, Maura. It wasn't intimate or anything... I wouldn't let it be...I couldn't... because all I could think about was you," she shifts in her seat and I'm not sure whether it's from discomfort or a blush, "but I did it, I mean...I slept with them because it was easier being away from home. I felt less afraid to explore that side of my sexuality... it helped make me realise I was gay and so what if I am...I finally accepted that it's nothing to be ashamed of and it's definitely not the end of the world," I pause, "fuck...I dunno if I'm even making sense here"
"You are," she tells me so quietly I almost miss it. I watch as she rubs her hands over her knees before standing, "On second thought, I think I will have a wine," she tells me and I'm just relieved she's not standing up to bolt out the door.
I sit further back in my seat to watch the way she moves with ease around my kitchen and I love the way she does that. I realise I missed her so much that it hurts. After pouring a wine she returns to her seat and takes a rather generous sip.
"And what about Kate?" she asks me.
The fact her tone sounds different isn't lost on me. There's definitely something else behind it, jealousy maybe. But I stop myself and take a moment to remember that even if Maura is jealous, I can't sugar coat the truth.
With that in mind I continue, "I met her just before I came back to Boston. We slept together but there was something different about her. She knew I was thinking about someone else...thinking of you...and she was just out of a serious relationship. So we bonded over our sadness and I felt comfortable around her. We decided to try like a friends with benefits kinda thing. I've only seen her one other time and that was last night, when we ran in to you at Merch"
"So you only like her as a 'friend'?" she asks with a mock tone.
"Yeah, a friend. We only slept together in New York and after Merch last night, I didn't want to. And if we do again, it means nothing to either of us...It's just a comfort thing while we both move on," as I finish I realise what I just said and how I've set a trap for myself.
Fuck. Nice one, Jane. Way to make it harder on yourself.
"So, you've moved on from me then?" I see her eyebrows raise as she sips her wine.
"Gah...umm...okay... Before I answer that I want to remind you that at the start of our conversation I explained my intentions," I pause to gather my words so they come out right, "I want to work on being friends again, I don't expect anything more from you and I'm not here to get between you and Veronica okay?"
Maura nods, "Yes, I understand"
"Well...the answer to your question is no, I haven't moved on and I don't know if I can. I still have feelings for you and I wish more than anything I could turn back the clock and have another chance with you," I take a deep breath, "But that can't happen so I will work on moving on. I just...I don't know if I can...and I don't wanna make you a promise I can't keep...but I really will try my best not to let those feelings get in the way if we are able to be friends again"
I take in Maura's expression and there are too many emotions for me to pick just the one. I take a breath and before I can think to stop myself I keep talking, "Honestly, though... I'm still torn between doing what I've just said I'll do and throwing caution to the wind to fight for you," I bite my bottom lip.
"Oh," is all she offers.
I take a deep breath and continue, "I know I have no right to ask this... and you can absolutely ignore the question but have you moved on from me?"
Maura plays with the rim of her wine glass and stays silent for a while. Finally she lets out a sigh, "it's complicated, Jane"
"I know...everything always is with us," I take a gulp of beer when I realise I just said that out loud.
"Only because you make it so," she speaks the truth we both know and I don't know whether there is a need for me to say anything but it doesn't matter because Maura continues.
"I really do like Veronica and she is good for me. But my feelings for you are...unresolved... and I won't deny the fact that they have impacted upon my relationship with Veronica," her eyes bore in to mine, "and because I believe you have been honest with me today I will admit that I do feel jealous," she takes a breath, "I feel jealous of Kate... and I don't like the fact that you've slept with other women-"
Maura stops in her tracks and I see a frown form on her face, "Jane, how many were there?" her tone is laced with pained curiosity.
I try to calculate the number in my head but as I open my mouth she raises a finger to silence me. She shakes her head, "you know what don't...just don't..I don't want to know," I watch her take a deep breath while she tries to focus again, "what I was trying to explain is that all of my feelings for you are a jumbled mess except for that one," she spits out, "the jealousy I feel is the only one that makes enough sense for me to vocalise"
For a moment I feel a burst of hope. Maybe this means she wants me to fight for her and I am more than willing to do that.
"I won't sleep with anyone else, Maura. If...if that's what you want?" I know that my question is loaded but I have to know the answer.
"No, Jane," she frowns again, "that's not what...I think you misunderstood or perhaps I haven't been clear"
Even though my heart sinks a little, I notice that she doesn't tell me it isn't what she wants. Maura already admitted she's jealous of other women and now she can't take it back.
"As you know I cannot lie so it is impossible for me to deny that yes, I do get jealous at the thought of you with someone else...let alone if I see it with my own eyes like I did last night," for the briefest moment I see her cringe and then her face is back to serious, "but I am with Veronica and we are in a relationship that I have no intention of ending. Therefore, it is not fair of me to request that you remain celibate"
"But Maura, I don't fucking care if it's fair or not!" I tell her with urgency but take a breath before adding, "I'm happy to do that for you if that's what you want... Do you want me to wait?"
I ask her a direct question because I know it's harder for her to avoid and right now she is confusing the hell out of me.
"I..." she takes a gulp of wine and her cheeks go red, "please don't make me answer that, Jane," she pleads.
"I need to know what you want, Maura," I know I'm pushing but I can't help it.
I see the anger return to her eyes with full force and I watch as she boils over. Then she lets me have it, "How can you ask...God, Jane, how dare you put this on me! I can't even trust you! I can't even look at you without thinking about all the ways in which you've hurt me... and the worst part is I can't even call my best friend to talk about it!" she pauses to take a breath to calm down, "I hate that you have this hold over me but you do and it's so confusing it hurts," I notice her wine glass is shaking and she looks sad again, "I don't know what to do and I don't know what I want for us in the future. But as for right now, I think you were correct the first time. We should focus on working through everything and then it might be possible for us to be friends again"
I know I can't hide the disappointment from my face but I take a moment to applaud Maura's skilful evasion of my loaded question.
All I want to do is tell her I love her and in my foolish fantasy that's all she needs to hear before she forgives me and we live happily ever after. We would forget all of this pain and live in our own little bubble of happiness. We'd grow old and-
"Jane?" she asks and I'm shaken from my daydream.
"Yeah, like I said earlier... I'm good with that," I force a smile, "I shouldn't have pushed you like I did. I'm the one on trial here, not you. I know I have miles to go before I've made things right but," I pause, "I just want you in my life, Maura...in whichever way you're comfortable with. You mean too much too me and I've been a fucking idiot to even risk losing you like I have"
We sit in silence for a moment, both trying to get a read on one another. Maura looks worn down and exhausted but she manages to offer a weak smile.
"You're right Jane. You do have a long way to go... but today was a step in the right direction," I am comforted that she thinks so, "thank you for your candor and I am proud of you for coming out," she sits forward and places her glass on the table, "but I think I will go home now. I am rather tired after all of this and I imagine you are too"
I'm a little shocked that she wants to leave but I understand. It has been an emotional day and Maura's probably right in wanting to end things here. We are both feeling so raw and emotional I'm not sure what more we could cover.
She moves to stand and I do the same, "thank you for coming and for hearing me out"
We walk to my door and Maura opens it before turning around to face me. The air between us is awkward. I'm not sure of the right way to say goodbye, I don't know whether to hug her or not but I decide against it. She looks like she's thinking about something important but shakes it off.
"When can I expect you back at work?" she asks in that neutral tone again.
"End of the week," I pause to take a deep breath, "but maybe we could grab coffee before then?" I ask hopefully.
Her eyes shift away from me and I see her shake her head ever so slightly, "Perhaps," she begins, "but I would appreciate some time to process, Jane. Can I let you know?"
I feel a little deflated but I'm just glad she didn't flat out refuse. It feels like progress.
I smile, "of course, Maura. Take whatever time you need. The ball is in your court"
She looks at me with her nose scrunched up in confusion and I remember how cute that look is.
"Do you mean a tennis court? I don't have one, my parents do though" she tells me.
God, she is just too adorable.
I let out a soft giggle, "It's an expression, Maur. What I mean to say is that whatever happens next is up to you"
She can't help but let a small smile creep over her face and even though I know it'll pass, it just feels so good to share a lighter moment.
I break the silence, "thank you...again...for coming today, Maura"
She simply nods, "I'll see you soon," she tells me before walking out the door. I watch her go and instantly miss her.
After Maura left I padded around the apartment for a while before turning on the game. I must be on to my fifth or so beer but that's okay I need to calm down after everything that's happened today. I'm glad Maura and I had a good talk but I am torn up about it. Part of me is really happy that Maura might still have feelings for me but the other part is tired of being in this state of limbo. I'm at the point I just want everything to be clear one way or the other but I know that's not possible right now because of the damage I've done. I keep realising that over and over because everything swirls around my head in a circle that enjoys tormenting me. It's really starting to take its toll on me and even though I know I deserve it, I fucking hate feeling like this.
I hear a knock at my apartment door. I wonder who it could be and I really hope it's Maura. Foolish, I know, but a girl can dream.
I open the door to see Kate standing there with a bottle of whisky in her hand, "hey," she says with a smile.
"Uh... hey," I offer a confused smile, "what are you doing here?"
She doesn't wait to be invited in she just walks past me and moves toward the kitchen.
"Well, today was the big day," she says while pulling out two glasses, "I wanted to come over and see how it went"
"Ooookay," I reply before resuming my spot on the couch. A moment later she joins me and offers a whisky. I shake my head, "thanks but I'm...uh...trying to avoid that stuff"
She keeps the glass close to my reach, "Oh come on, Jane. It's been a big day, you deserve it"
And she's right, it has. My willpower is weak enough as it is and the five or so beers made it even less so. I sigh and take the drink from her hand.
"So how did everything go?" she asks before leaning back to sit close enough that we're touching.
I take a generous sip of the spirit I missed so much. I feel a little overwhelmed thinking about the day I've had so I look down at the glass before finishing the drink in a single gulp. Kate put the bottle on the table near us and it's just too easy for me to pour another.
"It was," I pause to take a deep breath, "it was good with my family and intense with Maura"
She strokes my knee and asks, "what happened?"
"I...it was...well, we talked and decided to work on being friends again," I pause to take another gulp, "but there are still feelings there...on both sides I guess. I'm glad we talked but I didn't get the cut and dry answer I needed to help me move on...but then again, it's not fair for me to expect a clear answer from her if I can't even offer one in return. So yeah...it's still complicated and messy"
"Mmmm, sounds like it," she hums, "what are you going to do now?"
"Talk through stuff while I try and get her to forgive me," I let out a huff, "'hey, can we talk about something else? I need a break from over thinking everything"
"Sure," she agrees, "I have an idea on how I might be able to assist with that racing mind of yours"
I look over to her with eyebrows raised, "oh yeah?"
She leans over to and lifts my glass to my mouth, "finish it," she says and I do as she asked, "well done," she tells me before taking the whisky bottle to top up me up, "now...sit back"
I do as requested and she shifts to straddle me. I don't know what I expected but I guess I'm not overly surprised. I'm not really in the mood though and it doesn't help that I keep replaying the argument I had with Maura about me waiting for her.
Kate lifts my chin so I'm looking at her and smiles, "you are so fucking hot, Jane," she tells me and I see her blush.
"Uhhh...thanks," I stutter.
She leans back slightly and lifts my whisky up again. She doesn't have to explain, I finish it in a gulp. She takes the empty glass and puts it behind us on my table. Her hands move to my shirt and get to work on the buttons. Once undone she rakes her fingers over my abs and I can't help but shudder. I try to stay in the moment but all I can hear is Maura's voice telling me how jealous she feels.
I grab Kate's hands and stall them, "Kate, I'm uhh...I'm sorry...but I can't do this right now," she looks a little hurt so I quickly add, "it's not you, it's just...it's been an emotional day and my mind is somewhere else"
"You said that last night, Jane," she explains and I realise I did give her exact same excuse, "but lucky for you, I had something else in mind for tonight," she grins at me.
"Oh?" I smile back at her.
"I want to go out dancing and you're coming with me," she tells me in a firm yet playful tone.
"Am I?" I smile for a moment but then shake myself back to reality, "I don't think I can tonight, Kate. I'm exhausted and since you basically poured whisky down my throat I'm ready for bed"
She pouts at me, "Come on, Jane. It's not even eight yet, the night is young," she begs, "and I know you can drink a shit load more than what I 'forced' you to"
She's right about the last part and I roll my eyes, "I'm really not in the mood for Merch tonight"
I feel her move off my lap and it's only then I remember that she was straddling me. I start to button my shirt back up and hear a frustrated sigh.
"Please, Jane?" she sounds desperate now, "ever since the break up, all of our friends took her side. Not that I can blame them, but now I have no one to go out with...You're the only one, Jane," she tells me and I do feel sad for her.
Damn it all to hell. Now I feel guilty.
"Alright, alright. I'll go" I let out with a huff.
She pulls me in for a chaste kiss and then offers me a bright smile, "thank you, thank you, thank you!"
I can't deny that her excitement is contagious. After everything that's happened today it's nice to feel able to make someone that happy, even if it's by doing something I don't wanna do. I'm a sucker for guilt trips and a cute pout. That much I learned about myself courtesy of Maura.
It's about an hour later and we're drunk at Merch. I know I must be pretty wasted because Kate has dragged me on to the dance floor. I'm a shitty dancer but it doesn't matter. Kate puts on enough of a show for the both of us and I really like when she rubs her ass on my crotch while I cup her boobs.
I start to feel turned on and let out a sigh. The arousal is paired with that awful guilt again and I hate that this is happening to me. I just want to a break and enjoy myself for one moment but I can't. All I can hear is Maura's words from earlier and I picture the way she moved around my kitchen like she owned the place. I miss her and all those little things that she does.
Kate turns to look at me and I realise my body must have gone rigid when I started over thinking.
She puts some distance between us, "I'm going to the bathroom," she tells me.
I nod, "I'll go get us another drink"
I walk up to the bar and order another round. I've probably had enough but it doesn't stop me. I take a seat over in one of the booths while I wait for Kate. She takes a while but when she finally exits the bathroom she's with another woman. They're laughing and Kate tells her something before heading back toward me.
She smiles as she takes a seat on my lap, "Look what I got," she whispers in to my ear while opening her hand to show me two pills, "I got them from this friend, Hayley who I haven't seen in ages and she said they're really good," she puts one in her mouth and swallows, "mmm, I haven't done E since my 20s"
She tries to offer the pill to me but I shake my head, "You do remember I'm a cop, right?"
"Are you going to arrest me?" she asks playfully, "I think I'd enjoy you putting those cuffs on me"
I am grow frustrated now, "I'm homicide, not vice," I pause and move my hands to push hers away, "I won't arrest you but please put that shit away, I can't be seen around it," she complies and puts the pill in one of her pockets.
She lets out a huff and climbs off my lap, "Alright, detective... let's go dance"
I'm still a bit pissed off so I shake my head, "you go ahead. I'm just gonna chill here for a bit"
"Suit yourself," she shrugs before walking off to find that Hayley person.
I sit alone for a while watching everyone having fun around me and even though I'm surrounded by people I've never felt more alone. I look over at Kate, she looks well and truly fucked up. She's bouncing around like a jumping jack. I wonder about whether or not I would have taken that pill in New York. I like to think I would have said no but I was so desperate to numb myself, I probably would've taken it.
Then it hits me, I am right back where I was even though I vowed to try and do better. I was gonna cut the drinking shit away because I know it makes me feel worse. And here I am, wasted at a bar and feeling like a piece of shit. I almost want to blame Kate and chalk it up to her being a bad influence but my decisions are my own.
I watch her from across the room as she flirts with Hayley. I don't feel jealous, I couldn't care less. The lack of any feeling makes me wonder if there is any point to keeping up this 'friendship' with Kate. After everything that's happened in the last 24 hours I realise the only thing we have in common is our sadness. I thought maybe she'd be able to help me out of this dark place but now I'm not so convinced.
Sure, she was nice to talk to in New York but back home here in Boston it's different. I can't even have sex with her without feeling consumed by guilt in the pit of my stomach. I guess it all comes back to Maura and the fact I can't free my mind of her. Boston is our city and Maura is my home.
Maura is my home.
And there it is, the truth I'll never be able to forget no matter how much I drink.
I think back to all those movie nights and dinners at the Robber. Not to mention all those morning runs or our coffees and chats at work. It didn't matter how busy we were, we always made time for each other. And it didn't matter where we were or what we were doing, we just wanted to be together. Those moments mean everything to me and I'd give my life to have them back.
If I could be anywhere in the world right now I would be cuddled up on the couch with Maura watching some brainy documentary. I'd pretend I'm bored but secretly I love it when she talks all science-y. But I can't be there with her because I don't deserve to be. And it dawns on me that I might never get to spend a night like that with Maura ever again.
I feel my leg become restless and I feel every feeling I've tried to numb return with full force. I remember where I am and look around the club. I don't want to be here. This isn't what I want, this isn't my scene. What the fuck have I been doing for the last month.
Even if I can't be wherever Maura is, it doesn't mean it's okay for me to keep acting like a drunken mess. This isn't who I am and this isn't a person Maura would want to be around, as a friend or otherwise. I'm just a pathetic piece of shit too scared to face up to everything I've done.
Suddenly the world stops and I feel suffocated. I can't breath, I want to throw up and my chest hurts. I've never had a panic attack but I think this could be one. I bolt outside and try to calm down. After some deep breaths and a break from the loud music I feel a little more under control. The anxiety may have calmed but the overwhelming sadness hasn't left, it's gotten worse.
I hold the tears back as best I can while I climb in to a cab. I don't even think twice about it as I give the driver Maura's address. It tears me up when I realise I can't go see her so I text Ma to let her know I'm coming over. I know I'm waking her up but I just can't be alone right now.
The cab pulls up and I pay. As I walk toward the guest house I look at Maura's front door and wish more than anything that I could be on the other side of it. Maura's warm embrace would sooth my pain within seconds. You'd have to be the luckiest person in the world to have her beautiful arms wrapped around you. I was one of the chosen few but I threw it all away.
I'm dragged out of my thoughts when I hear Ma open the guest house door. She takes one look at me and opens her arms. I walk over to her and fall in to a tight hug. Ma must know something is really wrong because I hate hugs and right now I'm clinging to her like a lifeboat.
I feel one of her arms close the door behind us before returning to gently rub my back. A moment later the floodgates open and I break down. I start to shake while I sob uncontrollably in to her shoulder. All the pain, sadness and regret comes pouring out of me and I don't have an ounce of strength left to fight it.
I hear Ma offer reassuring words but I can't understand them because everything except the pain is a blur. I don't know how long I've been sobbing but somehow we've moved to the couch and my head is now on Ma's chest. She is wrapped around me protectively while endless tears stream out of me.
Somehow between the sobs I manage to find some words, "I...I...I just...love her...so...much," I choke out, "I...hate myself for...for what I've done," I try to breath but just choke on a sob, "I ruined everything...I've...I've lost her forever"
"Shhhhhh, Janie, no you haven't" Ma whispers, "everything will be okay, sweetie"
"You don't know that," I sniffle.
"Maura will come around one way or another" she tells me and I know what she means.
Ma takes a breath and continues, "you know how forgiving she is, baby. And I know that no matter what, she would never want to hear you say that you hate yourself," I feel her chest rise as she takes a deep breath, "we all love you so much...please don't let yourself feel that way because it breaks my heart when you say things like that"
"How can I not?" I whimper, "I've been a horrible person"
"Listen to me very carefully," she pulls my chin up so I look at her through watery eyes, "you are a good person who's had a rough couple of months," she pauses to wipe a tear from my cheek, "yes, you have done some silly things but that's not who you are," she smiles at me and I see the love behind her eyes, "you are so many wonderful things and you are very important to a lot of people"
Ma releases my chin so I can rest my head against her chest again, "You have always been such a sensitive soul and you always put others before yourself, Janie. I could be way off the mark here but here's what I think happened...I think that maybe when you started to have feelings for Maura you got overwhelmed because you'd never felt anything like that for someone before. And maybe because you were feeling so much and you are so sensitve... you had to put yourself first and be selfish for a change in order to protect yourself. If you hadn't then you might have fallen apart like this a lot sooner," she sighs, "and it's okay to feel like this. You've been through a lot, sweetie, and now that you've hit rock bottom I know you have the strength to climb back out. You will be a stronger person and your relationship with Maura will be better for it"
I grip on to Ma as I try to talk, "I...I..."
My words fail me so Ma continues, "I know I talk too much and I don't know if what I said is right, baby, but I like to think that I know you," I sense her smile before she adds, "I'm sure you'll feel better tomorrow and you'll tell me to piss off and mind my own business," she lifts my chin so our eyes meet and she looks serious again, "I want you to know that I love you so very much and I will do everything I can to help you through this. You are not alone"
I know she means every word because I can see the unconditional love in her eyes.
I can't form much of a respsone but I sniffle, "love you too, Ma"
After a moment I rest my head again and when she kisses the top of my head, I feel the tears coming again. The alcohol has shattered any hope of controlling my emotions tonight so I stop fighting against myself. I let it all out and then some. I don't have a concept of time but eventually things start to calm and exhaustion wins out.
In my dreams I see Maura. I've found my way out of this despair, she's forgiven me and I feel like I'm home again.
TBC
