Author's Note:
I rushed to get this chapter to you all. Holiday nonsense is taking over my life. The boy and I're having a Christmas party tonight, and I'm playing bartender. Cocktail of the night is "orgasms." They're white and contain amaretto and crème de cacao—need I say more?
If you read my other story, Waxing Crescent, you know that I often recommend whatever I've been reading. This time it's rectanglecurve's The Freshman. It's fantastic—and she needs more attention for her badass story. Seriously.
This chapter is so male. Even though it doesn't end that way.
Chapter Eleven:
In Which Lasagna Must Be Rationed and Tricks Are for Kids
~ * ~
I slid into my truck scratching my head. I was still trying to figure this one out.
I was trying to be friends with Edward Cullen.
Admittedly, when spoken aloud it didn't sound wildly impressive, but it sure as hell felt impressive. Impressive in the way that I was kinda, sorta scared shitless and intimidated as hell. Like, how can you try to be friends with someone you couldn't even look in the eye? Well, that is, without seeing images of waterbeds, tiny fig leaves, or black leather? I was not convinced of the surety of our proposed friendship.
Well, at the very least, I hadn't promised him anything.
A knock at the window interrupted my reverie.
I looked up to see Jasper and Emmett with their faces squished up against the passenger side window.
I tilted my head to the side. Pressed up that way they looked a bit like Bert and Ernie. Except that Jasper (definitely, Bert) would need to have shorter, black hair…
Emmett flung open the car door, making Jasper jump back.
"Bella, you're springing us, right?"
I raised an eyebrow. "Springing you?"
Jasper rushed forward elbowing Emmett in the side. "We need a ride to your lasagna."
I gave a silly laugh. Looked like things were about to get snug in the truck cabin. I waved them in. "We need to stop by the store first."
"The food store!" Emmett clapped his hands, sliding in first.
No clue. I had to admit: sometimes, Emmett worried me.
Jasper shook his head wearily. "Don't ask. He's just normally not allowed."
I grinned. No problems there. I started the car.
"Scoot your double bass over, Em. I need to fit."
Emmett slapped his lap and spread his hands by way of offering. "Come on, Jazzy, baby!" he leered playfully.
Jasper gave me a flat look. "Bella, please, please, please, can I drive?"
I shook my head, barely able to mouth a 'no,' laughing. This whole experience was becoming a bit surreal. The two hottest seniors in the school were squishing into my truck to "escape" and go eat my lasagna, while their girlfriends, who fate had declared my new best friends, threw pom-poms at cheerleading practice. Another very anomalous occurrence, the whole Bella-being-friends-with-cheerleaders-thing.
Jasper slid into the seat next to Emmett, purposely knocking him harder than necessary.
"Now, no need to be rough."
Jasper cackled. "Oh, please, Em, the walls in our house are thin. I know for a fact that you like it rough."
I choked on a laugh. T-M-I.
"Oh, Jazzy," Emmett cooed, running his hand down Jasper's leg. "You really do look like your sister. Same pretty blue eyes, yellow hair. You gotta know, that shit's turning me on."
Jasper smacked his hand away. "Thank God Alice looks nothing like you."
"Yeah, what's with that, dude?"
"What's with what?"
"Alice looks like a four foot china doll. What's up with the little girl fetish? You're 6'2"."
"I'm telling Alice you said that. That little girl is going to scythe your balls off," he threatened, before turning to me with a desperate expression on his face. "Bella, can this truck go any faster?"
"It punches back when the speedometer clicks over 50."
Emmett was apparently not done with antagonizing Jasper. "I see through your crap, Jasper, my emo-bro. Alice is a front, of course. What you truly crave is man-flesh. I know you try to deny it, but seriously, I understand. I mean who can resist this?" He flexed a gallon-sized bicep. When Jasper ignored him, he turned toward me and wiggled his eyebrows.
I rolled my eyes and laughed, but admittedly, I couldn't be sure that I'd ever seen a nicer looking bicep, so I was a little turned on, too…
"Dude, at the very least, leave Bella out of your vainglory."
"So speaking of fleshy biceps, Bella, what's up with you and the Indian?"
"Jacob."
"Jake the indian."
I sighed, exasperated. "Jake's been my friend since forever. Why are you asking?"
"No reason," Emmett defended, his index finger brushing his chin, as he faked looking impassive.
"Kid's got a huge crush on you, Bella," Jasper explained.
I brushed his comment aside. "We're just friends."
I saw them both exchange a knowing look.
"And how was Biology class with our dearest brother?"
"Fine. We're on speaking terms."
Another knowing look.
"Where is he, anyway?" I asked.
"Running," they both said at the same time.
"Cross-country hasn't started yet. Why is he running?"
"When you're that wound up and Esme's yelling at you for using up the cold water…"
Jasper elbowed Emmett in the side, cutting in, "Like I said before, Bella, Edward tends to wallow and brood. It's his niche in the family. Thus, he plays hours of classical piano and every day, he runs—half way to Seattle."
"When did you first meet Edward, Bella?" Emmett asked.
"Yesterday."
"Huh." He scratched his chin, looking confused. Jasper also looked perplexed by something.
Did I see another one of those looks?
I pulled into the grocery store parking lot.
Emmett sat up stick straight in his seat and stared ahead as if seeing some great miracle. "The food store!" he yelled with evident joy. He practically crawled over Jasper to get out of the truck first.
I had a feeling that shopping would take longer than usual today.
~ * ~
When we emerged from the store, I carried one bag, Jasper held two (for me), and Emmett had four of his own bags—containing Doritos, Slim Jims, Coke Zero, Cheese Whiz, whipped cream, more Slim Jims, Fruit Rollups, and assorted candy, all of which he carried in a single hand, while in the other he exaltedly chomped on an opened Slim Jim.
I learned that most of the Cullen family—including Jasper—disapproved of such chemically-composed substances.
Emmett apparently didn't.
"Emmett, you're going to have to burn or bury most of that crap before we get home anyway, and why the hell did you get canned whipped cream? If you take real cream—the kind that comes from a cow—and whisk it, you'd get the same result."
"But this is in a can."
"It's doesn't even list milk in the ingredients."
"Don't worry, Jasper, I'm saving that for your sister."
"You did not just say that," Jasper attempted to knock Emmett on the head.
Emmett caught his hand. "What? I was talking about the whip cream."
"Either way," Jasper elbowed Emmett in the side.
"You two, stop. I. Am. Trying. To. Drive. So STOP," I snapped.
~ * ~
When we got home, Jake sat waiting on the front porch. Jasper and Emmett leapt out of the truck, carrying groceries inside. As soon as they set down the groceries, Jasper and Emmett proceeded to arm wrestle to sort out the various insults exchanged in the car. Emmett won, which really didn't surprise me, but then Jake had to join in the testosterone-fest. I kept pulling them away one at a time to help with the lasagna preparation. Jasper and Jacob proved to be useful. I had Jasper chopping vegetables and Jake at the stove. Emmett, well… After he tried to prove he could juggle knives and barely missed Jasper's toes, I ended up putting Emmett in the living room with a glass of lemonade, his Slim Jims, and ESPN.
It kind of felt like babysitting.
Jake and Jasper eventually migrated into the living room once the game got going.
I expected Charlie to be home with Billy around 6:00 PM. Thus, when the doorbell rang at a quarter 'til, just as the pasta was boiling over, the oven timer was beeping, and the boys were shrieking and whooping about a touchdown in the living room, I flung the door open without looking and raced back to the stove top.
"Need some help?"
I gasped, turning around and unconsciously letting the pot lid that I had been holding fall from my fingers and crashed on the floor, reverberating and rolling in circles until it fell over, making one final lingering clang.
Edward reached down and scooped the lid up. "Well, it would seem so." He had a crooked smile stretch across his face.
"You don't eat meat," I stated flatly.
"I already ate." He looked like he was trying not to laugh.
"Then, why are you here?"
"Why didn't you invite me?" He put on a fake pout.
"Like I said, you don't eat meat. This is lasagna with Bolognese sauce. I only ever invited Jake and his dad. Your brothers sort of invited themselves."
He gave a single nod. "They would do that. Anyway," he pointed to the stove, "so what's next?"
I discovered that Edward could cook. He started peeking through my fridge and pulling out various ingredients, while bugging me about the location of others. He heated a sauce pan and proceeded to make a béchamel sauce. As long as I didn't look him directly in the eyes for more than half a second, I found that we could have a pleasant conversation. When we had everything assembled, Edward helped me layer the two pans of lasagna and throw them in the oven.
Loud hoots and roars continued to pour from the living room.
"What next?" he asked, leaning back against the counter with his arms crossed over his head.
"Salad…" I trailed off, distracted by the fact the muscles in his chest were noticeably pronounced by his current pose.
"So what do you need for the salad?"
"Huh?" I shook my head, trying to clear my thoughts while castigating myself. Bad, bad, bad Bella. "Oh, I just need to get the salad bowl."
The salad bowl was on the top shelf. I always had to hop to reach it. I put my hand on the counter, pushing off with a little hop to try and hook the lip of the bowl with my finger tips. I missed.
"Bella, please, let me."
"No, I can get it. I—"
Edward tried to reach around me to grab the bowl at the same time that I hopped. This resulted in my knocking his hand and the bowl slipping out of his fingers. Edward jumped forward to catch it, just as I turned. He caught it but his force threw him forward and into me.
I found myself lying back on my elbows over the counter with Edward leaning over me.
"I caught it," he said breathlessly.
I wiggled my head. It was supposed to be a nod.
Edward didn't back away. Instead, his hand grazed the top line of my cheek, causing every last nerve ending in my body to go on the fritz with the electricity of it. "Are you okay, Bella?" he asked as soft as a whisper.
Another wiggly weak nod. He was so close. I stopped breathing.
We both heard the jingle as the front door opened. Edward leapt back, leaning against the opposing wall, and I righted myself. Charlie pulled open the door, pushing Billy in. Jake, Emmett, and Jasper ran in from the living room.
"Hey, dad, Charlie," Jake greeted. "And oh, when did you get here?" He gave Edward an unwelcoming stare.
I stepped in to make introductions. "So, yes, Jake, you know Edward. You guys, this is my dad, Charlie, and this is Jake's dad Billy. Billy, dad, these are the Cullens—you already know Rose and Alice—this is Emmett, Jasper, and Edward."
Charlie shook hands with them, "I know your father. Carlisle is a good man, good doctor."
Billy shook hands less enthusiastically, eyeing the Cullens a bit suspiciously, especially Edward.
"Dinner should be in ten minutes. You guys want to help me set the table? Jake do you want to get drinks? Dad, Billy, go relax in the living room."
After they left, Emmett looked at Edward accusingly. "You came to tattle, didn't you?"
Edward shook his head at his brother. "You are perfectly capable of digging your own grave. I promise I have no desire to dig it for you."
Jasper walked up and clapped Emmett on the back. "He's not here to tattle, but he is here for…"
"The food!" Emmett piped unexplainably. "Eddie needs some meat like the rest of us."
"I already ate, Emmett," he said defiantly but then he stiffened as he took in Emmett's impious grin. "I'll have some salad," he muttered, and then proceeded to lay plates on the table.
Jake turned to me, and in a perfect imitation of Homer Simpson mocked, "Lisa, all normal people love meat. If I went to a barbeque and there was no meat, I would say 'Yo Goober! Where's the meat!?' I'm trying to impress people here, Lisa. You don't win friends with salad."
I laughed, as did Emmett and Jasper. Edward rolled his eyes.
Jake turned back to me, and in his "serious" Homer voice asked, "Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?"
"No," I replied in my Lisa voice.
"Ham?"
"No."
"Pork chops?"
I put both hands on my hips. "Dad, those all come from the same animal."
"Heh Heh Heh. Ooh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal."
I burst into giggles.
Jake had a strange look on his face. I couldn't make it out, but it looked like he had just determined something. He moved unexpectedly toward me and pulled me into a bone-crushing hug, lifting me off the ground.
"Jake-too-tight-Can't-breath-Down-please."
He set me down and grinned at me. "We should watch the Simpsons together again. Soon."
"Sure," I said eyeing him. He was being weird. We never planned anything. We just hung out and then made spur of the moment decisions on what to do.
"Bella, you're not really going to work at Newton's are you?" Edward asked.
"Newton's?" Jake raised an eyebrow at me.
"Why the heck do you want to work at Newton's?" Emmett asked. "Mike's a douche bag. You'd have to work with him, you know."
"I need a job."
"And why are you having breakfast with him on Saturday morning then?"
"Aw, Bells, not Newton," Jake groaned.
"He said his mom was snippy. He's just preparing me for the interview," I defended.
"Snippy is a kind word. She's a bit horrible, actually," Edward muttered. His face suddenly lit up. "Bella, you should work for my mom. I know Esme could use the extra help with the volume of catering business she's getting, and you already know the basics."
Jasper and Emmett nodded eagerly with Edward's words. Jake muttered something under his breath and proceeded to stare at the ceiling.
"I don't know…"
Jasper cut in, "Think about it. You don't have to answer right away. We'll talk to Esme about it."
"I'll think about it."
I went to check on the lasagna.
~ * ~
When I finally lay down that night, I was exhausted—but not.
The night had been fun. The lasagna had turned out well. Emmett had eaten a whole pan by himself. Everyone had laughed and joked at dinner. Charlie had seemed to genuinely like the Cullens—especially Emmett. I know Charlie didn't get the vegetarian thing at all… I'd have to bring him some of Esme's cooking.
The job. I should probably take the job. If I took the job, I'd be around Edward—even more.
Edward.
The countertop.
Edward had seemed like he was going to…
I really needed to avoid such ridiculous ponderings.
I felt no qualms, however, about indulging in a little fantasy here or there… I reached under my bed and pulled out my trusty rabbit.
I picked it up, the tail-end bobbing ever so slightly.
"Hello, rabbit."
I did my fake bunny voice, "Tricks are for kids."
"No, rabbit."
"That's right. Tricks are for BELLA!"
I turned it on to the first setting and nudged down my pajama pants.
Yes, indeed. I was a silly, horny, little girl.
~ * ~
