I love this chapter. I really do. And Jimmy Thatcher reminds me of Anthony Michael Hall.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything that Richard O'Brien does or any stuff I reference.
Chapter Twelve: Aliens!
The entire car ride home from the high school, neither Jimmy nor Jane said a word. Frank hummed to himself, making the silence even more apparant.
Finally, after what seemed like four hours, Frank pulled up to Jimmy's house.
"Goodbye, Jimmy," said Frank, grinning at the boy, who flinched. "I hope that Mr. Delordy does not punish you again."
"Oh...okay, M-Mister Peterson," said Jimmy.
"Call me Frank," said Frank.
"Uh...okay, Frank," said Jimmy, who then laughed awkwardly and glared at Jane, who's face was bright red.
Frank turned the car around and pulled into the driveway. "What a nice boy..." he said.
Before Frank could get out of the car, Jane grabbed his arm. "Dad...I mean, Frank..."
Frank smirked. "Did you just call me 'dad'?"
Jane groaned. "FRANK, you just made the Thatcher kid think I'm a total freak!"
Frank sighed, crossing his arms. "It seems I have that effect on people..."
"Dressed like that you do..." mumbled Jane.
"Well, if you must know..." said Frank, annoyed, "this is for a job interview."
Jane snorted. "For what?"
Frank sighed. "It doesn't matter what, it's a job! It happens to be the one thing I'm good at."
Jane opened the car door and climbed out. "I don't want to know." Frank drove away, looking adequately pissed.
Jane crashed through the front door of the house, making Columbia cry out in surprise.
"Janey?" she asked. "Is that you?"
Jane sighed, taking a seat at the kitchen table. Columbia was chopping vegetables and wearing an apron.
"How come you're..." said Jane, motioning to what Columbia was doing.
"Oh, this?" asked Columbia. "Frankie's got a job interview and I thought I would make dinner."
Jane sighed. She really would do anything for him...
"Where is he interviewing at?" asked Jane.
Columbia shrugged. "Who knows?"
"Well, he just almost sent Jimmy Thatcher into a coma..." said Jane. "Did you see what he was wearing?"
Columbia sighed and smiled wistfully. "Oh, yes...I certainly did."
Jane rolled her eyes, not wanting to watch Columbia drool over Frank any longer than she forcibly had to. She went into her room, closed the door, and flung herself onto her bed, sighing in the agony of teenage angst.
"What's happenin', hot stuff?"
Jane gasped, looking around for where the voice was coming from. Then something grabbed her ankle. She kicked in surprise, causing the voice to cry out "OW, okay FINE, Janet, jeez..."
Jane looked down to see Jimmy Thatcher peeking out from under her bed. It was then that she realized she was wearing a skirt.
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!" shrieked Jane, pointing to Jimmy's exposed head, that was now bleeding a little from where she kicked it.
Jimmy crawled out from under the bed with a groan. "I thought it'd be funny if I surprised you, and I remembered you going on about that movie Sixteen Candles the other day..."
"That's no reason to sneak into my room and impersonate Long Duck Dong, Jimmy, especially when I have no clue you're there," said Jane, trying to catch her breath after Jimmy had scared her. "Besides, you haven't even SEEN half the movies I talk about..."
Jimmy grinned. "Well, we can watch it, then...but FIRST, you need to explain to me what the hell is wrong with your dad."
Jane sighed. "There's nothing WRONG with him...Jimmy, it's a long story."
Jimmy sat down next to Jane on the bed. "I've got time. And you've got answers. And I'm not leaving until I get those answers, Janet."
"My name isn't Janet. It's Jane," said Jane, dreading Jimmy's reaction to almost everything she would tell him.
Jimmy nodded, then realized..."What? You've been lying about your name?"
Jane frowned. "I had to, Jimmy. We all had to."
Jimmy shook his head in disbelief. "What, are you, like, in the CIA or something? Or the mafia? Or maybe you're in the..."
Jane smiled. "No, no, I wish that was the answer, but...you are so not going to believe me."
Jimmy sighed. "Go on, shoot."
Jane closed her eyes, not wanting to watch Jimmy's reaction She said all of this in practically one breath. "My dad is the prince of a planet called Transsexual, in the galaxy of Transylvania, and that makes me half alien, I guess. My brother is there right now along with Frank's ex-servants, that killed Brad and Janet Majors...and they have a daughter even though they're brother and sister. Columbia, which is the lady who you think is my mom's REAL name, isn't my mom...my mom is Janet Majors, who's dead now. Oh, and you might know me as Jane Majors, because that's what I went by before I changed my name." Jane smiled, and opened her eyes, preparing for the worst.
Jimmy's eyes were huge, but not from disgust. From excitement. "Oh my god, is this all true? Do aliens really exist, then?"
Jane nodded. "Yeah, I guess that about sums it up."
"All my research is right, then!" said Jimmy, standing up. "Oh my god...and you're half alien?"
Jane shrugged. "I never knew until a couple months ago...there's practically no difference."
Jimmy, not believing her, grabbed Jane's arm and began examining it, poking it in random places with a rounded stick he pulled out of his pocket.
He poked the stick at Jane's elbow. "Ow, that hurts, stop it!" said Jane, slapping the stick away.
Jimmy grinned. "That's how you tell...I keep a vial of mercury disguised as a stick in my pocket just for moments like these!"
Jane laughed. "What, does this kind of thing happen to you all the time?"
Jimmy huffed. "You can tell if someone is an alien if you touch pure mercury to their elbow and it hurts. Come on, everybody knows that!"
Jane snorted. "Your geek is showing, Jimmy."
Jimmy's brow furrowed in confusion. "Wait...if you're dad is the prince of this planet...why aren't you guys there?"
"Well..." said Jane, "When Brad and Janet died, Frank's servants made up a fake will for my mom that said that she left me and Dick, my brother, to Frank. So we went to his house, which was in Denton, a whole bunch of stupid crap happened, including Frank trying to have sex with me. Because he's a sex fiend. And it all turned out that the servants were going to leave for Transsexual by force, so they said that if Frank didn't stay on Earth they'd kill Columbia...which made him stay, because, honestly, I think there's something going on between them. Dick wanted to rule Transsexual, so he left with the servants, even though they're the bastards that killed our parents...but Charlotte was nice enough, I guess."
"Charlotte?" asked Jimmy.
"The servants' daughter," said Jane. "Charlotte McKinley."
"You mean that Charlotte McKinley?" asked Jimmy. "I always thought she was an alien...she never said anything to anybody...it was downright creepy."
Jane shook her head. "Charlotte's nice, don't say that about her. I don't understand why when people are shy other people are creeped out by it..."
Jimmy sighed. "So now you guys are here, in Denton, doing...what, exactly?"
Jane looked confused. "Honestly, I don't know. Doing what we have to to blend in, I guess, until something else happens."
Jimmy nodded. His face then lit up. "Can you guys communicate with people on your planet, from here?!"
"I don't know...maybe," said Jane. "Frank's a scientist...he should know. Maybe if you ask him...?"
Jimmy sighed, looking nervous. "Okay."
Jane grinned. "You looked like you thought he was gonna kill you at school today."
Jimmy groaned. "Well, what did you think when you first laid eyes on him?"
Jane remembered that she had thought he was hot. She tried to cancel that thought from her memory. "Do you wanna watch Sixteen Candles or not, Jimmy?"
Jimmy nodded, then his eyes went unfocused with nerves. "Is this a date, then?"
Jane blushed, not knowing what to say. "Uh, yeah...I guess..."
Jimmy grinned, grabbing her hand. "Let's grab the movie then...babe."
Jane yanked her hand away. "Don't push it, James the Third."
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