Chapter 12
"Albus! What a surprise. Do you need something?"
Harry smacked his forehead. Now Dumbledore was sure to think that absolutely nothing was going on inside the man's rooms.
He heard Dumbledore chuckle and say, "Hello, Sirius. I need Harry, please."
"Why would you think Harry's here?" Sirius still wasn't doing a great job of covering up the fact that Harry was, indeed, there.
"Because of the way you're talking. I need to see Harry, please."
He saw Sirius take a deep breath before saying, "Look, Albus, I don't want Harry near Snape right now, all right. He says he wants some time away from the man, so can't you just give it to him?"
"Sirius, I'm sorry but this doesn't concern you."
"Like hell it doesn't!" Harry smiled as his godfather became indignant for his godson's sake. "Anything about Harry concerns me. I'm his godfather!"
He heard the older wizard sigh. "Yes, Sirius, I know. But I need to speak with Harry." Harry could tell that Dumbledore's patience was growing thin, and he didn't want Sirius to get in trouble for him, so he stood from the couch and walked over to Sirius.
Before Sirius could say anything, Harry called out, "I'm coming, Professor."
Sirius spun around to see Harry walking toward him. "Harry, you don't have to go."
Harry nodded sadly. "Unfortunately, I do. It's all right, Sirius. Really. I'll come see you later and we can finish talking."
Sirius seemed reluctant to let Harry go, so he wrapped his arms around his godfather and whispered, "Thanks for trying, though."
He felt the arms around his shoulders tighten. "Anytime."
Harry pulled away and with one last smile, he followed the Headmaster away from the loving arms of his godfather and closer to the angry grip of his Potions Professor.
The two wizards didn't talk as they made their way through the halls of Hogwarts. Harry didn't have to ask where they were going. Even if the path they were taking hadn't told him, the actions and past verbalized wishes of the Headmaster would have.
Even though he knew what their destination was going to be, Harry still wasn't happy when they stopped in front of the Hospital Wing doors.
"Professor!" Harry said, anger and frustration deep in his voice.
"Harry, please." Harry knew it wasn't a request, which only made him that much more upset. Combine that with his sleep deprivation and you have the possibility for a very volatile situation.
Harry walked in before Dumbledore when he motioned for the teen to enter. Harry saw the same blue armchair that he had sat in the previous night sitting exactly where he left it. Assuming that that was where he was suppose to sit, he stalked over to the chair and sat down angrily. Even Snape didn't seem to want to say anything to the boy just yet, and risk getting his head cut off.
Harry stared straight ahead, his body language telling those in the room that he was most displeased with the events that had transpired. Soon, he was able to see Dumbledore walking toward the wooden chair out of his peripheral vision. Only when the Headmaster sat down did he turn is eyes to the man.
"Yes, professor? What can I do for you, now?"
Harry saw Snape open his mouth, but a quick hand raise from Dumbledore silenced him. "Harry, why are you so angry?"
Harry raised his eyebrows in disbelief. "You're joking, right?" he said with as much respect as possible. "Why on earth would I be angry about being dragged back in here to talk about something that I don't want to talk about, let alone do?!"
Dumbledore seemed to be as passive as ever and Harry wondered if the man would loose his seemingly unending patience with him today. He knew he would deserve it, but it didn't mean he would wish it on himself.
"If you want to talk about something, fine, we can talk. Just not about the aforementioned things that I'm not going to discuss. You want to talk? All right, what's Voldemort doing? What is he up to?"
Dumbledore shook his head. "He isn't doing anything right now. He's just biding his time."
That concerned Harry. He knew that if Voldemort wasn't doing anything publicly, that he was plotting something. And that was never good. "Great, now because of me we don't have any idea what he's planning."
Only when Dumbledore said, "What?" did Harry realize his mistake. Oops.
Harry sighed. "I didn't mean to say that…Look, I know what you're going to say, 'Harry, it's not your fault, don't even think like that.' 'Okay, professor, I won't. It wasn't my fault.' Okay great, now can we move on?" he asked, frustrated with his loose tongue. Sleep deprivation shows itself in many forms. Lovely. "So, what else to talk about? Well, we could talk about Sirius' new name that he came up with. It's a great name, you're going to love it."
"Harry-"
"Or, we could talk about what he and Remus are going to do about sharing duties as next Defense professors. It's quite confusing actually. Are they going to teach together or is Sirius just going to teach on the days that Remus is unable to teach?"
"Harry!"
Harry quickly shut his mouth. He was afraid that he had stretched the Headmaster's patience too thin. But the look in his eyes wasn't anger, it was deep concern.
"Harry, please. What is wrong? You never act like this."
Harry took and deep breath and then let it out. No, he didn't act like this. The only reason he was is because he couldn't get a decent amount of sleep, not to mention the vision that he saw that Snape was practically begging to see. Why did he want to see that anyway? He experienced it, it was probably painful enough to have to go through, let alone see from his "master's" eyes.
"Harry, you didn't sleep last night, did you?"
Harry's eyes quickly went to the clenched hands in his lap. His sleeping habits were not something he wanted up for discussion either.
"I'm fine, professor. Really." Yeah sure, like Dumbledore was going to believe that.
"Harry." Only when the young man lifted his eyes to Dumbledore did he continue. "Why didn't you sleep last night?"
Okay, that's it! he thought. All sense of keeping what he was going through to himself went out the window as everything from the past two days came down on him and crashed. They wanted to know what was going on? FINE! He'd tell them what was going on.
"You want to know why I didn't sleep last night?" he asked harshly. "You really want to know?" he asked, looking at Dumbledore, then to his professor still sitting up in bed, and then back to Dumbledore. "Fine, I'll tell you. You want to know why I don't close my eyes for more than two seconds? It's because of him." Harry looked and pointed to the Potions Master before turning back to the Headmaster. "I see myself torturing him. And why I don't go to sleep? Well, it's pretty much the same thing, really. Except I get to torture him even more before giving him to the Death Eaters, letting them have their 'fun' before getting him back for myself. But then I grow tired of that and just kill him. Isn't that something that you would like to go through every time you try to sleep or close your eyes, hm?" he asked, not really expecting an answer. The look of disbelief and surprise from the Headmaster's face told him that he probably couldn't talk.
"Although it was absolutely brilliant to watch him disappear into thin air while Voldemort was raging mad. Absolutely wonderful. But anyway, back to the topic at hand. You wanted to know why I don't want him to get inside my head again, so that he can watch the vision for himself? Use your imagination! I'm sure what you two could come up with is more interesting than the truth. Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you, but the reason that I don't want him to see it in my head is because I don't want to see it anymore!" Harry all but yelled. "Yes it's that simple! I've already seen it four more times than I would have liked. First, I had to watch as he was tortured and practically accused of being a spy, first by Voldemort and then by the Death Eaters. I had to stand there and watch the entire thing happen, knowing that he was going to die and knowing it was my fault. He wasn't going to tell Voldemort where I was, where we all are. I could tell. And he knew exactly what that meant. And he was going to let him kill him. And I couldn't do anything about it! Heck, I was the one doing it!
"Then I ran down to the grounds, and then back up here to relive the entire thing back to you, and that's two, only to be told that he might not make it through the night. So yes, as stupid as it was, I came down here and sat by his bed for most of the night. Until I unwillingly fell asleep that is, where I dreamed that I was torturing him just for the fun of it before killing him when I 'got tired of it', and I woke up. That's three. Then I had to talk to someone to try to get rid of all this, so I had to chose very carefully, or else I would have an argument on my hands and I really didn't want that. Ron wouldn't understand and would probably get ticked off and not want to talk to me for the rest of the summer. Hermione would be upset with me for not getting enough sleep, but probably would have understood why. Sirius…" he paused thinking of his godfather and the reaction that he was sure to have. "Well, he would argue with me and he wouldn't like my answers to his accusations. And since he's only just gotten back, I'd rather not have to fight with him. So I chose Ginny, who I knew would keep the secret from Hermione and her family if asked. As well as give some advice. And she did. But I still had to go over in my head what happened and then tell that to her, glazing over specific details of course, but I still had to think about it. So there's four.
"So, why on earth would I want to go through it a fifth time if I could help it? If I had to go through it again to save his life, then fine. I'd go through it a hundred more times! But I'm not going to go through it again just so that he can figure out if I'm enjoying the whole thing! I would hope that my father wouldn't have enjoyed it, but hey, I never got to know my father, really. He died before I could even remember him. All I know is what I am told and what I saw." He winced slightly when he remembered how cruelly his father had treated Snape.
"I just…I can't do this anymore! All I want to do is sleep. But I can't. Because sleeping involves closing my eyes, which I can't do without seeing him being tortured to death. And then the actual sleeping part is where I torture and kill him. I can't even close my eyes for more than a few seconds before I have to open them again! You know what, I am this close," he held up his pointer finger and thumb. "This close to just letting him see it so I can stop having to hide in the castle afraid that I'm going to run into you and you're going drag me back here just for me to tell you again that I don't want to show him! You just have to push me that much more, it's not that hard is it?"
Harry rubbed his eyes and was attacked by a fit of yaws. "Well, I think I've answered all of your questions. So, I am going to go do…something. Anything, I don't care. As long as I'm not sitting still or else I'm going to pass out. So, it's been a nice little chat," he said, sarcasm dripping from every word. "But I'm going to go now."
Harry tried to stand, but to his horror he collapsed back into the chair. Oh, how lovely. "Harry! Are you all right?" Dumbledore asked, getting out of his chair to stand next to the boy's.
"Yes, I'm fine. I just…can't seem to stand," he said quietly, his eyes averting the Headmaster's.
"Poppy!"
Harry kept his eyes downcast as he heard the Mediwitch answer the Headmaster. "Yes?"
"Could you get me a Dreamless Sleep potion, please?"
Shock ran through Harry at Dumbledore's question and he didn't even hear what Pomfrey responded.
"Harry?" he looked up into the eyes of the Headmaster. "You are going to get some sleep and when you wake up, we are going to have a long talk."
Harry's shock only lasted for a moment. "What else could we possibly talk about?"
There was a look of sadness that crossed Dumbledore's face as he said, "About what you've said."
Harry shook his head. "I don't know half of what I said!"
"I'll remind you."
Madam Pomfrey came back with the vial of Dreamless Sleep in her hand. Harry gazed at it longingly, realizing now how stupid he had been.
Harry sighed. He knew that he had been rude to the Headmaster, and even though he didn't have a great grasp on reality, he knew he had to apologize. "Sir, I may not know all of what I said, but I know that I was rude, and I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say those things."
"I'm glad you did."
Harry's eyes widened with shock. "What?"
Dumbledore smiled slightly, but it wasn't a happy smile. "Everyone needs to vent sometimes. And now I know what's been troubling you. You shouldn't have had to go through that alone, Harry. Why didn't you come to me and tell me what you were going through?" he asked.
Harry broke eye contact again. He didn't want to tell Dumbledore that he had been embarrassed about the whole situation. Snape was fine. He was healing very well. And yet he still had nightmares. Besides, he had been trained as a child to feel as if he was second hand, not good enough to be worried about or even taken care of. As a child, when he had told his aunt and uncle that he had a nightmare, they had laughed at him and told him to get over it. So he didn't exactly had a lot of practice in telling people his problems.
"I dunno."
Dumbledore placed a hand on his shoulder and Harry knew what he wanted. Harry looked up as he said, "I think you do."
Harry locked his jaws tight together. His loose tongue had gotten him into enough trouble as it was, he didn't need Dumbledore finding out every secret in his head. Dumbledore seemed to understand, and held out the vial, which Harry looked at for a few moments before Dumbledore started speaking again.
"I want you to take this vial, go over to that bed over there," he said, pointing to one of the beds a few down from Snape's. "And go to sleep. We'll talk later."
"But I can't sleep now, it's the middle of the day! And what will my friends think when I don't show up for lunch or dinner? Besides, I'll never be able to sleep tonight."
Dumbledore held up a hand to calm the young man down. "Harry, you can barely walk. And don't worry about your friends, I'll tell them that you're here–"
"Wait, what will you tell them? You can't tell them about this!"
"Why not?"
"Because they don't need to know! No one else needs to know about this. Honestly, I'll sleep fine in a few days, I don't need them worrying and thinking that I'll never be able to sleep again. Ron will stay up and make sure I sleep and lose some himself! Please, professor, you have to tell them something else, anything else!"
Dumbledore looked thoughtful for a moment. "Harry, what's wrong with your friends worrying about you?"
"Because they don't need to worry themselves about me, I'm not-" For some reason that statement actually was processed in his brain before he had an opportunity to say it. And for the first time since entering the Hospital Wing, Harry finally caught his loose tongue. It would not due for him to finish that statement. Dumbledore would never let him leave his sight again.. And the rest of that sentence wasn't something Harry wanted out in the open.
"You're not what, Harry?" Dumbledore was jumping to conclusions. And from the look on his face, he was jumping to the right ones.
"I won't be responsible for that."
"That's not what you were going to say. Harry, what were you going to say?"
Harry started to eye the vial, wishing that the contents would just find its way down his throat and into his system so he could have more time to think of a different answer. Right now, his brain was fried and he couldn't think of another sentence that started with "I'm not" that would pacify the elder wizard.
"Nothing, forget it," he said quietly, exhaustion was creeping up on him faster than the early fog in London. If he didn't get that dreamless sleep potion soon, he would pass out and it wouldn't be good. So he did the only thing that would make the man drop the conversation. "Professor, I don't feel so good."
Dumbledore dropped the subject, thank God, and helped Harry over to one of the beds past Snape. Harry laid down, pulling the covers over himself as Dumbledore handed him the vial. Wasting no time, Harry quickly downed the bitter tasting liquid and laid back down on the bed. He was shocked at how quickly the potion took effect; his eyes were already drifting shut, but he only got a flash Snape on the floor before it disappeared altogether as the bliss of a nightmare free sleep claimed him.
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When Harry finally woke up, it was dark outside. He took a quick look at his watch and saw that it was five o'clock. Harry sighed, he was still so tired. He turned to his left and saw Snape fast asleep in his bed two down from Harry. Harry turned over and closed his eyes, but opened them as quickly as he had closed them, afraid of the images he would see. But confusion went through Harry like a lightning bolt; he didn't see anything. He closed his eyes again, and sure enough, he didn't see anything. Harry sighed once again, but instead of it being in frustration it was in relief.
Harry turned over and closed his eyes once more. Ready for some more sleep, even though he had already slept for more than fifteen hours already, he made himself comfortable and drifted once more into sleep.
However, this sleep wasn't going to be so peaceful.
Harry was once more looking down upon the defenseless form of Snape. It only took a few moments before the torture and pain filled screams from his victim began. After several curses and stressful minutes later, he handed the man over to the Death Eaters to deal with for a while.
As he was watching the scene unfold, Harry seemed to jump from Voldemort's body and onto the ground beside the evil wizard. Harry tried to go to his professor now that we was out of Voldemort, to protect him, but his feet were planted to the ground. No! No, Snape! Harry was powerless to stop the torture and the screams that echoed in the chamber. No matter how much he may have hated the man, just hearing him scream for not telling Voldemort where he was, was enough to make the hate and anger flee from his body and turn into concern and fear for the defenseless professor.
Suddenly the spells stopped, and Harry could hear Snape's panting from within the mob of Death Eaters. His breathing was erratic and harsh. Then the Death Eaters unfolded from around the man and stood in a line behind him. What Harry was unprepared for was Snape looking up and straight into his eyes.
"Professor?"
"You're not worth this, Potter. I should have just told him where you were. I would have gladly have tossed you out of the castle and into his waiting arms if I had known that this is what would happen to protect you. Why would I want to protect the son of my greatest enemy?"
Harry was shocked. And even if his feet weren't glued to the floor, he couldn't have moved. Snape's words hit him hard. He wasn't worth it. He wasn't worth anything. His aunt and uncle had been right.
Suddenly, his friends started to appear next to Snape. Hermione kneeled next to the Potions Master before looking up at him with an angry fire in her eyes. "How could you let this happen, Harry? It's all your fault!"
Before he knew it, all of his friends and family were echoing Hermione's words. Sirius and Remus had joined along, saying, "Who would want you for a godson when you lead people to their deaths?" "We're not going to die for you!" Harry could almost feel his heart breaking at their words.
Mrs. Weasley was saying, "How could we have been so stupid? You're not worth having over anymore. You just put our family in danger. I don't want you anywhere near my family again!" Mr. Weasley was nodding in agreement.
And even Dumbledore was joining the fray. "You're just a disappointment, Harry. You should have taken care of this already. If you had, Severus wouldn't have been in this situation. And neither would we."
Harry felt tears streaming down his face at the judgment from his friends and family came crashing down on him. Then Voldemort and his Death Eaters turned their wands to the group and picked up where they had left off with Snape. Their screams filled the room, and Harry could only put his hands over his ears to try and block out their screams.
"No! Stop! I'm not worth it! Take me instead!"
But his pleas went unheard as Voldemort started laughing. The evil laugh made Harry shiver. Then Voldemort spoke for the first time. "This is all your fault, Harry. You cannot save them. It is all your fault." There was a green hue coming from Voldemort's wand and Harry knew what that meant.
But before he could see Voldemort kill his family, he yelled, "NO!"
Harry opened his eyes to find himself sitting up in bed, tears streaming down his face. He turned over and pulled the sheet over his head. That had been one of his worst nightmares. He tried to stem the flow of his tears, but they just seemed to keep on coming. The weight of everything from the past few days crumbled around him and memories and insecurities that he wished he could forget came back.
"Poppy! Get Dumbledore down here, now!"
Harry was confused for a moment. The voice sounded close to his bed. But the only person that was suppose to be in the room was….
Snape! Oh no. Snape must have woken up to his screams and came over to wake him. Oh gosh, how embarrassing! He could only hope that Snape would go back to his own bed and that he could get the tears to stop before Dumbledore came into the room.
Knowing that Dumbledore was sure to come rushing in at any moment, he grabbed his sleeve and started to dry his tears and clean his face as best as he could in his position. Thankfully Snape didn't feel the need to pull back the sheet, he had seen enough already. More than Harry really wanted. And he was sure to tell Dumbledore. Great.
Sure enough, Dumbledore came bursting through the doors only a few minutes after Snape's orders to Madam Pomfrey.
"Severus? What's going on?"
"He was having a nightmare, I believe."
Harry cringed. This day was starting off great. He knew that Dumbledore was going to want to talk about everything and he wished he could just curl up and die. Harry made sure that his face was dry so that when Dumbledore pulled back the sheet, as Harry was sure he was going to do, he wouldn't see the evidence.
Harry closed his eyes in anticipation of what was going to happen as he felt a dip on the side of his bed. Slowly, Harry felt the sheet being pulled away from his face and pooled across his stomach when Dumbledore released them. He hoped that Dumbledore would think he was sleeping, but something told him that Dumbledore knew he was awake.
"Harry? Are you all right?"
Harry kept his eyes closed. He really didn't want to talk about this. He didn't have any idea what Snape heard and it could be either kind of bad or absolutely horrible.
"Harry?"
Harry sighed and opened his eyes before turning over to see Dumbledore sitting on his bed and Snape on the bed next to him. So much for not having a lot of attention. "I'm fine, sir."
"What happened?"
The question wasn't directed at himself but at Snape. Harry felt his stomach clench at the possibilities of what the man heard. But for some reason, he wasn't saying anything. Harry chanced a peek at the man and saw him staring intently at Dumbledore, and Dumbledore was staring back. Great, he was showing the Headmaster what happened! Now he'd never figure out what Snape heard and saw. He could have screamed in frustration!
Harry saw Dumbledore's eyes widen and his mouth drop open slightly. Harry cringed. Yup, it was going to be absolutely horrible. Harry saw Snape blink and he knew that he was done showing the Headmaster what had transpired in the course of Harry's nightmare. Before he had the chance to look away, Snape turned his gaze to Harry. There was no hatred in his eyes, which surprised Harry, but he couldn't find any emotion in them at all before he quickly looked away. Unfortunately, looking away from Snape made him catch the Headmaster's eyes. The concern written in them was so deep that it made Harry's heart contract. Dumbledore was worried. And he was worried about him.
Harry looked away, not wanting to have the conversation that was sure to happen.
"Harry, would you come with me to my office?"
Harry was shocked. Dumbledore wasn't going to make him talk in front of Snape. Well, that would make things slightly easier. But it was still just after six in the morning, and the two men could still get two more hours of sleep at least before starting their day.
"Sir, please, it's still early, you can go back to bed and we can have this conversation later."
"Harry, you're not running from this anymore."
Harry sighed. "I know. But you don't have to loose sleep over this." I'm not worth it.
Dumbledore heaved a sigh of his own. "Harry, it's all right. I'm already awake and I won't be going back to sleep until tonight. Come on." He stood and waited for Harry to do the same.
This is not going to be pleasant, Harry thought as he got up and followed the Headmaster out of the Infirmary and toward his office.
Harry stomach felt like it was rolling around like crazy. It definitely wasn't a fun feeling, and he was sure it wouldn't go away until the conversation with Dumbledore was over.
All too soon they came up on the gargoyle and Dumbledore said, "Fizzing Whizbees." Harry really didn't want to have this conversation. He really didn't want to have it. But unfortunately, he had no way of escaping it, and he wasn't sure that he wanted to, just to go back to hiding in the castle or outside.
So, Harry sat down in his regular chair and waited for the interrogation to begin. However, it didn't start immediately. First, Dumbledore went into his cabinet and brought out, to Harry's surprise, his pensive. Dumbledore took a memory from his head and placed it in the pensive. He turned his gaze from the pensive to the young wizard in front of him.
"Harry, I know you don't know what Professor Snape saw, so I'm going to let you see it before I ask you about it, okay?"
Harry was surprised that the man was going to let him see what happened, and he wasn't sure how to feel about it. But he nodded and quickly took the plunge into the bowl.
Harry found himself back in the Hospital Wing and turned to see Snape stirring. And he could hear why.
"No…"
Harry felt himself turn red. This wasn't going to be easy to see.
Snape opened his eyes and he heard himself say, "Professor…no."
Snape's head quickly spun around to Harry. "Potter?"
Harry didn't say anything else for a few moments, and he hoped that he wouldn't say anything else. But, sure enough, he did. "Not…worth it….my…fault…" and to his horror, tears started to run down his face.
"Potter?" Snape said a little louder and started to get out of his bed. But he still didn't wake up.
"Stop! I'm not worth it! Take…me…" Harry started to turn more quickly on the bed.
Snape made quick work of the distance between himself and the young wizard in obvious distress. "Potter!"
"No!" Harry finally jolted up in bed, his eyes flying open. Harry knew what happened from here and sure enough, he was taken from the pensive and back into the chair in Dumbledore's office.
Harry couldn't believe that he had a nightmare in front of Snape, of all people! And now Dumbledore had seen it too. He would have a lot of explaining to do to the Headmaster.
"Harry?"
Harry sighed. He had to come to grips with the fact that Dumbledore was not going to let this go. The look in his eyes told him that much. Dumbledore would know when he was lying, so Harry knew he couldn't just brush off a topic. He knew the Headmaster was worried about him, which made him feel…wanted and cared about. And after the nightmare he just had, it was welcomed.
So Harry readied himself to tell his Headmaster the truth, truths that he hadn't even confided in his best friends.
Harry lifted his head to look into the worried eyes of Albus Dumbledore. "Yes, professor?"
"What were you dreaming about?"
Harry took a deep breath and paused before diving in. "I was in the same place I was last time, with Voldemort, Snape, and the Death Eaters," he told the man before averting his eyes once more. "I was torturing him again and then let the Death Eaters have him. But this time it was different, I left Voldemort's body and I was standing in the room. I tried to help Snape but I couldn't, my feet were glued to the floor. I couldn't move. And then the Death Eaters stopped. And when they moved back Snape looked at me. And he said…he said that I wasn't worth it. That he would have tossed me into Voldemort's open arms if he knew the cost of protecting me. Especially when he hated me. Then all of you showed up. The Weasleys, Sirius, Remus, Ron, Hermione, and even you. You all started telling me that it was my fault that he was there, that you were all there. Sirius and Remus said they didn't want me as a godson. And you were disappointed in me." Harry swallowed against the lump in his throat and finished. "Then they started torturing all of you. But I woke up before he could start killing everyone."
There was silence from Dumbledore for a while. Harry didn't want to look up, for fear that he would see the same disappointment that had shined in his dream version of the Headmaster.
"Oh, Harry."
Harry looked up to see sadness now mixed with the deep concern he saw earlier. "Harry, I am not disappointed with you. And your friends would never accuse you of the things that they did in your dream. And you know Sirius adores you, he would never cast you out like that; Remus wouldn't either."
Harry nodded weakly. "I know."
"Then where is this coming from?"
Harry knew he could just shrug and deny that he had no idea why he dreamt that dream, but it was always a great fear of his that his friends and, now, family would eventually reject him for one reason or another. How was he suppose to put that into words to the Headmaster? He hadn't even told his best friends! But, for some strange and unknown reason he had the urge to spill his guts.
"I…I don't really know how to tell you…" he said, uncertainty lacing his voice.
Dumbledore seemed to understand. "Take your time."
Harry got his thoughts together and still looking down, he started telling the Headmaster about how the Dursley's treated him, as if he were just above dirt. He told him about how they told him he wasn't worth anything and how much of a burden he was on them. His aunt and uncle never liked magic and pretended that it didn't exists, so when things happened that couldn't be explained, he got punished for them. As if he had any way of controlling what he did. He didn't even know he was a wizard!
Somehow, he found the words to tell the Headmaster what his home life was actually like. Not the façade that he put on to make his life appear less pathetic, but the truth. Which shocked him slightly.
Dumbledore didn't interrupt throughout Harry's speech, and allowed the teen wizard to let all of the doubts and forcefully repressed memories to come forth and relieve him of his burden.
Only when Harry finished did he become nervous once more. He realized all the things that he told the man and wondered how he could have told him all of those things. But now, Dumbledore was just sitting across from him, staring at him through wide eyes. The sparkle was gone from his eyes after hearing what Harry had to say.
You wanted to know, he thought sarcastically. But Harry wondered what the man would do now.
Harry was surprised that, when the Headmaster did do something, it was to close his eyes and put his head in his hands. After a few minutes, where Harry became exponentially more concerned and anxious, Dumbledore looked back up with something that Harry could only describe as guilt in his eyes.
"Harry, I'm so sorry."
Harry's confusion went into overdrive. What did he have to be sorry for? "For what?"
"Harry, I left you in their care. I knew it would be difficult for them, but I never thought they would result in telling you that you were unwanted. And the way they treated you was abominable; they never should have treated you that way. You didn't deserve to be treated that way."
Harry averted the man's eyes. However, that was the last thing he needed to do at the moment. Because once he did, Dumbledore connected the dots.
"You don't believe me, do you?"
"Of course I do. I know perfectly well that they shouldn't have told me that they didn't give a damn about me."
However, about the not deserving it…Dumbledore had only known him for six years. The Dursley's have known him his entire life.
"Why didn't you come to me and tell me what you were going through these past few days?" Dumbledore asked.
Harry vaguely remembered Dumbledore asking this question earlier, and he had brushed off the question.
Harry shrugged. But Dumbledore wasn't taking that as an answer. "Harry, please tell me."
Harry seemed to be a sighing machine lately. "But I don't want to."
"Why?"
"Because it's stupid. It's stupid for me to care about this at all!"
Shaking his head, Dumbledore said, "No it's not. If you didn't care about what Severus went through I would be worried. It's just who you are. You care about everyone and everything. And you worry too much."
"I know I worry too much. I mean, he's healing fine, better than you or Madam Pomfrey expected. I heard you the other night. So why does this still bother me?"
"Because you're you. And you wouldn't be you if you didn't worry about him. He went through a terrible ordeal and you witnessed the entire event, not knowing the outcome. Of course it would effect you. I just didn't anticipate how much, and for that I'm sorry."
"Don't be, it's not your fault."
Dumbledore didn't say anything else on the matter, but did go onto another topic.
"Harry, why did you go to the Hospital Wing in your invisibility cloak?"
Harry was shocked at the question, as he didn't know what relevance it had to their conversation. But answered anyway. "Because I didn't want to be seen."
"Why?"
"Because I didn't want to have Snape ask me to show him the memory again. I don't want to."
Dumbledore nodded. "But was there another reason?"
Harry paused. Was there another reason that he didn't want Snape to see him? Yes, there was. He didn't want to see the hatred and hear the loathing in his voice after all that Snape had gone though. And he told the Headmaster as much. "Well…it's just, when I was in the Hospital Wing with you and him, he went back to how he was in the classroom. I just don't want to hear how much he hates me in just one word, not after what I saw."
"Harry, have you ever felt like this before? As far as I knew, or saw, you didn't really care that he had those feelings toward you."
The young wizard sighed. "I haven't. The only time I've felt like this was the first day I got to Hogwarts. At the Feast after the Sorting. He was talking to Quirrell and all of a sudden he looked at me. I knew he hated me right from the beginning and I had no idea why. I was so confused and no one would tell me why he hated me so much. Until the end of the year when you did."
Dumbledore nodded, obviously remembering their conversation. And Harry kept talking. "I realized how much of a prat my dad was when I went into Snape's pensive," he winced slightly at the memory. "I felt horrible, but he wasn't telling me anything and I just wanted to see if anything in there would tell me what was going on. But it turned out to be the memory of that day after the OWLs." Harry paused as the memories flashed through his mind of how cruel his dad was to his professor. "I can't tell you how awful I felt. I mean, how many times had I been compared to my dad? And this is what he was like? And to make it all worse, Snape was right about my dad all along.
"But I'm not like the man I saw. And you'd think of after five years he would realize that. But no. He's too caught up in the fact that I look like my dad, almost to a tee, to realize that I'm not like the man he once knew. If he wanted to find that man in this school, he should look in his own house! He'd find it in the form of Draco Malfoy. But hey, he loves his Slytherins, so why would he even care?" he finished sullenly.
Dumbledore took a deep breath before letting it out again. He seemed to weigh his words before he spoke them. "Harry, he doesn't hate you. He hates what you represent. You represent all of his tormented school years that he had with your father. Every time he sees you, he remembers what your father did. However, he is not without blame, of course, but all he sees is how your father treated him unfairly."
Harry nodded. "Yeah, I know what that's like. I guess I wouldn't be thrilled with someone who looked exactly like Dudley came into my life all of a sudden."
"What do you mean you 'know what that's like'?" Dumbledore asked, concern flooding his eyes.
Harry took a deep breath of his own before he answered the Headmaster. "Dudley and I went to the same primary school. He hated me almost as much as his parents did and he wouldn't let anyone be my friend. I had no one because no one wanted to stand up to Dudley. He could knock you out as soon as look at you, and no one wanted to risk getting injured. So, to placate Dudley, they all turned on me. Everyone.
"So, I know what it's like, being the outsider, being the brunt of every joke known to mankind. Children are ruthless, especially at that age. Heck, they're ruthless now."
Dumbledore shook his head. "I don't think I can apologize enough for what you've been though, Harry. But you and Severus may have more in common than you both realize."
"I doubt it. But, why does he hate me so much? Is it just because of my dad's features on my face? Or is there something else? I mean, if it's something that I've done, it's a lot easier to fix than if it's just because of my dad. I can't bring my dad back to apologize for what he did. I don't know if he even apologized to Snape while he was alive, or even if he felt sorry for what he did."
Dumbledore shrugged. "I don't know if he did or not. But even if he did, Severus probably wouldn't have accepted the apology. But I'm sure you're dad is proud of you for breaking the generation of hate that had been between your dad and Professor Snape."
Harry chuckled. "Would he? Or would he be disappointed that I was worried about Snape? I mean, they hated each other so much."
Dumbledore smiled. "I'm sure he would be proud of you, Harry. Both of your parents would be." Harry smiled back. "But as to your question about why he dislikes you so much, I'm afraid you'll have to ask him that."
Rolling his eyes, Harry said, "Yeah, like that'll happen. That sounds like a lovely conversation; 'Hey, professor, I was just wondering why you hate my guts?'"
Dumbledore shook his head with a small smile on his face. "I'm sure it would be a wonderful conversation."
"Wonderfully awkward. Besides, I want to gain his respect, not have him pity me."
Harry sighed and closed his eyes, relaxing back into the plush armchair. He was still tired, but nothing that he couldn't handle until the evening when he could have another sleeping potion. When he opened his eyes once again, he saw an odd look on Dumbledore's face. When he gave him a questioning look, the Headmaster shook his head.
"Why don't you ask him now?"
Harry blinked. "What?"
"Why don't you ask him now?" Dumbledore repeated.
Harry stared at the professor, almost as if wondering if the question was somehow meant to be funny. When he realized that the man was not joking, he chuckled harshly. "Yeah, sure. That sounds like a great plan."
Dumbledore smiled. "Yes, I rather liked it myself."
"You do know I was being sarcastic, right?"
Dumbledore chuckled. "Of course. But I still think you should ask him."
Harry sighed. "Well, I'd rather not. I've got a better idea, why don't you ask him and then let me know what he says. I'm going to go back to the common room and wait for my friends to get up so we can go and have a great day."
Harry stood and made his way to the door, but was stopped when the Headmaster said, "Be careful."
Harry looked back, confused as ever, but nodded just the same before turning around and opening the door.
Oh my… Now he knew what Dumbledore meant when he said "Be careful." Because when he opened the door, he couldn't walk out.
Because Snape was standing in the doorway.
HPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHP
*ducks and covers* Sorry guys! I just couldn't stop writing, and so that means a late update. But I hope this chapter was worth it. I LOVED it, personally, but again, that's just my view. Let me know what you think, and I hope the longer chapter was worth the wait!
I don't know when I'll get the next chapter out, but I am working on it. I'm going on vacation for a bit, but I will write when I can.
By the way, there's a nice button down there for you to push that has your name on it :-D. Let me know what you think of the chapter!
