I guess I'm a public person when it comes to being under an anonymous name, ha. My parents found out that me and my boyfriend are ... My life has gone so downhill since then. I figured out that I don't want to be with him much longer because he can't comprehend my misery, and I'm a one in a million person who has no assertive skills whatsoever. I didn't want to have sex with him, I did it because I loved him and I thought that that might make up for what a horrible, worthless girlfriend I am. I try so hard, I didn't ever realize that every relationship I've ever been in has never given me any benefits, only sacrifices, whether it be friends or family. My boyfriend took the most out of me, but what can I expect from a sixteen year old boy? That's how old I am. Sixteen. I think I'm too young to completely lose myself like this.


I want to pin him down again for finding Matt like that. Matt. What's happening to him? Maybe his release is fucking himself over, or maybe he wants me to save him from drowning. He needs to find a girlfriend, instead of sitting around thrashing to Limp Bizkit, dying his fucking hair virtually the same color with kool-aid, and "smoking the marijuana." All it took him was a week.

One week to find a dealer. One week to find naming Pokemon ridiculous names and going on wifi with a bunch of seven year olds the funniest shit ever. One week to change into someone I don't know.

"It's only over if you want it to be," he told me. I want it over, and he doesn't. This is what he does. People think I'm crazy, fucked in the head, but I'm brilliant except when it comes to my douche friend. Guess he's not as laid back as he wanted everyone to think. Fuck that, though, I have to sleep next to him now and worry if he's going to buttsex me during my sleep. Wonder what kind of dream that would give me? Alien probes, or Matt the emo raping me up the ass? And if I want it to be over, I lose my best friend? Bullshit.

"I'm tired today," Near hopped on my bed. Pulled up the covers. Oh, well great. That's just fantastic. This is so pathetic…I want to talk to someone. I need someone. Fuck. Not him, not him, anyone but him…

'Who is there when you've lost everyone?'

"What do you think of Matt right now?"

"Obviously troubled, but that's not my problem."

"Any idea over what?"

"Yeah. You."

It was starting to rain, the room darkened as the clouds began to veil us, and the room closed in on us too. That's how I lost it, space, time, myself. We were there, both of us. Unreachable.

"I'm tired too. So tired, Near, of everything."