-----Author's note: Seraph, don't read this story. If you thought stories of mine before were Azure-biased, then you will loathe this story with an unbridled passion. I will miss your review, but this is not a good story for you. Also, I DID watch Yu-Gi-Oh! Back in the day, and I DID have the cards. I'm not ashamed. They're buried somewhere in my house, too. This is not the next chapter of Death to Darkside. That will come at a later date. I do not own Negima, but any other characters and ideas are my own. Enjoy...-----

Establishing com link... ... ... ... ...

Com link established

Mission Briefing...

- - -Objective 01 - Create a perverted Negima story in over 2,000 words.

- - -Objective 02 - Craft the story in the genres of comedy and action.

- - -Objective 03 - Warn fellow operative Eternal-Longing not to read this story.

- - -Objective 04 - One of the girls must have relentless orgasms.

- - -Objective 05 - Complete objective four.

- - -Objective 06 - Complete objective five.

- - -Objective 07 - Contents of objective not available to the public eye. Three days permitted to meet objective. Mission update; Objective disclosed at the conclusion of the mission.

Information acquired; Commence mission. - - -Contact Terminated- - -

"So...why are we all here, again?"

"You have a horrible memory, Sakurako. It's almost like you just asked that stupid question as a convenient way to get me to recap what's happened up to this point for the sake of explaining to some viewer, or something."

Chizuru strode by the cheerleaders, stating in a sing song voice, "There's no such thing as a stupid question, Misa-chan!"

"She just asked me why we're here. Chao explained it like, a million times before we left," The violet-haired girl replied pointedly.

"Oh," Chizuru continued in her pleasant tone, "Forget what I said, then."

"Chizune, that's mean!" Natsumi whined.

"Oh my, no it isn't. Lying would be meaner..."

"We're here to test a new device for Chao and Hakase," Yue stated in her typical monotonous manner, "We all came because they're offering ten-thousand yen to each of us, courtesy of the robotics club research funds. See? I answered her question and saved everyone the time. You don't need to make things so complicated, Misa-san."

Before Misa could argue, conveniently enough, Chao called out to the mass of 3A, "We're here!"

Everyone gave a little cheer, as they were prone to doing at every given opportunity, whether it be deserving or not. Hakase, beside Chao, pushed a button beside a mostly pointlessly big steel door, which caused it to slide open, "If you would just enter this room, now, please!"

Like sheep being herded to the slaughter...I mean, like sheep being herded into a pen filled with grass and clover, the girls did as they were told. As they marched to their doom...I mean, their...undoom, Chao and Hakase continued to talk to them.

"We've brought you here to test a new invention, as we've discussed."

Misa gave Sakurako an annoyed look, which the blonde girl returned with a wink and an outstretched tongue.

"Now, this weapon is very cutting edge and experimental, but we think-"

"WAIT!" Fumika called out, raising a hand. She was short enough that basically no one could see her, anyway, but she still raised it, "You brought us here to test a weapon?"

"Yes. Now, we think-"

"WAIT!" Fuuka called out, raising her own hand. She was tiny enough that pretty much no one could see her, but it was raised, "We're here to TEST the weapons, right? I mean...USE them?"

Chao rubbed her temple and asked, "Fuuka, would you give a machine gun to a chimpanzee?"

"Um, no?"

"Then why do you think Hakase or I would?"

"I am not a monkey!" Asuna shouted from somewhere in the girl mass.

"You most certainly aren't a monkey," Ayaka offered from wherever she was in the estrogen ocean, "You just sound like and drag your knuckles like one."

"Do you people want us to explain the weapon or not?" Hakase asked nastily, "Because we're gonna be using it on you."

"...When did you climb way up there?" Asakura muttered, pointing up at Chao and Hakase, who were now safely behind a thick wall of glass about a story up. Yeah, it was a pretty big room.

Now speaking through an intercom, Hakase said, "This weapon will not kill you. ...We think. It's designed to stun your opponent, not hurt them, so you should all be safe. ...We think."

Chao continued, "It's a specially designed combination of science and COUGHmagicCOUGH, excuse me! To put it in stoopid terms so all of you can understand, this weapon is designed to cause all of the right glands to secrete all of the right things at a much faster and much more intense level than they could ever normally. It tricks your mind into a false bliss. The sensation that it hits you with is meant to paralyze you."

"Uh," Makie took her turn raising her hand, "Are there stoopider terms?"

Chao opened her mouth, but Hakase raised a hand to silence her, "I got this one. The most basic way to say it is that this weapon is designed to force you into nonstop, overpowering orgasms."

If you've ever been to a comedy club, think of that one nerdy white guy who got up on stage and cracked a few jokes about robots. That's how quiet this room was.

"We've called it: The Dioptric Insemination Laser; Dynamic Obelisk the seventh!"

"What the hell happened to one through six!?" Chisame barked, already an unhealthy shade of red.

"Tested and failed!" Chao laughed.

Setsuna looked at Ku Fei, who looked away, muttering, "We not talk about it..."

"Dioptric Insemination Laser...Dynamic Obelisk?" Akira whispered to herself.

"D.I.L.D.O," Zazie stated, wondering what was within the vicinity for her to juggle.

"Am I the only one kind of weirded out by the usage of the word 'obelisk' in this thing's name?" Yuna raised an eyebrow.

"I-I'm more worried by the whole 'insemination' part..." Ako admitted, trying to hide behind her basketball adept friend.

"I'm more worried about the NONSTOP, OVERPOWERING ORGASMS!" Madoka shouted.

"That's like robot rape!" Chisame concurred.

"Wait, what?" Chachamaru perked up.

"Why are you testing this on us? Why not some animals, or...why not some animals that don't so closely resemble functional human beings?" Mana wound up having to change her words, what with 3A being so much like a zoo, half the time. Half the time means all of the time in the real world.

"Testing it on animals!?" Sakurako squeaked, "Like kitties?"

"For example," Mana shrugged.

"Nooooo! I don't want this thing used on my cats!"

"Why the hell not?" Haruna asked, Nodoka quivering behind her.

"NO! No catgasms! NO!"

"Well, if your cats could hear this, they'd probably think you were an asshole. Sign me up, you two!" The mangaka flashed the two mad scientists a thumbs up.

"H-Haruna..." Nodoka whimpered, tugging at the back of her friend's shirt.

"Oh, relax! Just pretend it's Negi-kun. Just pretend really, really, really hard."

"Please don't say 'really hard' right now," Misora shook her head, "I swear to God, you people don't think before you open your mouths."

"Speaking of opening our mouths," Konoka waved her hand around in a little circle, "What exactly do we have to do?"

"O-O-O-O..." Setsuna stammered pretty badly, and only managed to get out the 'O' in Ojou-sama.

"Yep," Chao nodded vigorously, "good ol' Set-chan got it right!" She used Konoka's favorite nickname for her friend.

"How is 'O-O-O-O' right?" Konoka asked, still not given the answer to what they must do.

"I'm gonna go ahead and take a wild stab at it and say that she means you're basically supposed to let your eyes roll up in the back of your head," Evangeline offered, crossing her arms.

"O face," Zazie said rather monotonously, juggling her shoes, along with Yotsuba's.

"It's the Dioptric Insemination LASER. It's a laser," Hakase sighed, "You don't do anything but get shot by it."

"Sounds just like the real thing," Asakura snickered.

"Our goal is to cause the victim to have crippling orgasms that last up to an hour."

Kaede, much like her two small friends had before her, raised her hand when she spoke, "This doesn't seem very effective, to me. Couldn't someone just keep running or whatever if they were having a...one of those?"

"Decidedly not," Hakase folded her arms, "It was said earlier that it increases the productivity and intensity of the hormones released from the glands. If we've gotten it right, you'll be lying on the ground, convulsing and drooling."

"Oh, damn!" Asuna laughed, backing away a little bit, "When I signed up, I didn't know I was signing up for something like this! I would like to kindly take back my offer to help...and stuff...you go ahead and keep your money!"

"Oh, you can't leave," Hakase grinned wickedly, "OBELISK THE TORMEN...oh, wait...OBELISK! COME FORTH!"

While Chao mumbled something about how she was going to cut Hakase off of Yu-Gi-Oh!, the monstrous room in which 3A was currently located began to shake and tremble. The ceiling split in two, opening up to allow a panel to descend. The panel stretched from one end of the room to the other, and apparently had sliders. What appeared to be a seven foot long rifle was situated in the center of the panel, above the center of the room. The rifle began to spin around, showing that it had full rotation. It also looked to be able to slide up and down the room on the sliders. Who would have thought?

Chachamaru's jaw dropped as she stared up at the most titillating slice of sexiness since the i-pod. She shivered in excitement at the thought of the nano. What a dirty little thing...

"Wow," Yuna eyed the rifle appreciatively, "I'd like to wrap my fingers around that boom stick."

"You'd probably blast yourself in the face..." Mana groaned.

'That sounds so terribly wrong,' Yotsuba stated blandly.

"Isn't that a little too large for practical combat use?" Setsuna asked, pointing at the huge weapon.

"It's the black model," Chao shrugged with a grin.

The entire class tipped their heads back and went, "Ooooohhhhh..."

"OBELISK! ATTACK THEIR LIFE POINTS DIRECTLY!"

"OH CRAP!" Makie yelped, running away from the now humming rifle.

"EVANGELINE!!!!! DO SOMETHING!!!!!" Asuna shrieked as she, too, turned tail to run.

"I AM doing something!" Evangeline growled. And, indeed, she was doing a lot of something. Chachamaru currently had her thrusters out and was trying to rocket her way up towards the charging rod of orgasmy doom. Evangeline had her by the ankles, and was holding on like a champ.

"Master, let me go!" Chachamaru pled, "I must go to him!"

"Chachamaru, I am serious! Cut this crap out, right freaking now!"

"I need my D.I.L.D.O!"

"NO YOU DON'T!!!!!"

Asuna could see that Evangeline was a bit too busy to assist. Part of her, deep down inside, knew that the vampire wouldn't help them, anyway. She couldn't do too much, herself, what with not wanting to expose magic to her entire class. That automatically forbade her from summoning her artifact. So who could help them get out of this mess? To her left, Setsuna.

"Ojou-sama! This is bad, we have to take cover!"

"Set-chan, come on! It's just one little blast from an orgasm beam, and we get ten thousand yen!"

Both girls stopped moving, and Setsuna put her hands on Konoka's shoulders and looked her dead in the face, "That is the weirdest thing you have EVER said. But I will not allow you to whore off your body for money! There must be another way..."

"You could destroy the Obelisk and then give me ten thousand yen so I won't be sad?" The headmaster's granddaughter suggested pleasantly.

"No! I will take your shot, for you, Ojou-sama! Then I will give you the ten thousand for it! I will protect your innocence, no matter what! ...What's that look for?"

"You just want two turns with the doodle machine!"

Setsuna was very adept at looking aghast, and she showed it by looking incredibly aghast, right now. "O-Of course not! That's completely untrue!"

To her right, Mana.

"Nope, sorry. They docked all of my firearms at the door. ...Got any change?"

"No dice, no change," Zazie mumbled, still juggling.

"We are screwed."

"Almost literally."

Behind her, Kaede.

"Sister Kaede, use your ninja powers to save us!" The Narutaki twins shouted, waving their arms around like little crazy girls.

"Ninja? Who's a ninja?" Kaede asked, rubbing the back of her neck.

"NOW'S NO TIME FOR JOKES!" Fumika screamed in a shrill, frightened tone, "My first time is supposed to be with Negi-sensei!"

"Bitch, please!" Nodoka shouted at the girl, stomping on over, "Sensei is MY man!"

"I didn't say I was going to be HIS first!"

In front of her, a pulsing rod of energy, ready to explode at any moment.

"WE'RE DOOMED!" Asuna bawled, rushing for Ayaka.

Ayaka caught her pigtailed friend in her arms, and the two hugged for a moment before she said, "I'll hold your hand."

"Can't I just use your body as a shield?"

"No."

"Ok, hand's fine."

The Obelisk erupted, and a beam of white hot energy blasted towards the girls. The girls in danger of being struck all dove out of the way. None of them were very enthused about their first time being at the clutches of a heartless machine. They already knew that meant they'd have to wait until at least after highschool, and they had made their peace with it. Except for Haruna. Had Yue not flying kicked her in the face out of the way, she'd be damned to an hour-long orgasm, right now. Yue was the best kind of friend imaginable.

The Obelisk was far from out of juice, however. It continued to shoot out massive streams of shimmering energy at the rate of about one shot every two seconds.

Setsuna dove in front of Konoka, swinging her blade faster than most eyes in the room could follow. The streak of light was severed in two, and the attack sped harmlessly to the ground.

"How the hell did you do that!?" Chisame yelled, "That's impossible!"

"We're fighting a weapon called the DILDO that is designed to give us orgasms, and you're questioning how the bit with the sword is impossible?" Yue asked, tackling Haruna out from under another Obelisk blast.

"Actually, a dildo is a-" Kaede cut Chizuru off by clapping a hand over her mouth and jumping away from yet another energy blast.

"They're just going to keep dodging it until it overheats..." Chao sighed, shaking her head, "This sort of feels like a waste of time without locking them down in one spot."

"I told you we should have brought the duct tape," Hakase groaned, "But don't worry! I'll activate Obelisk's special ability! By sacrificing all of my life points but one, I can give him REAL ULTIMATE POWER!!!!!"

"Uh, isn't that the golden one? The phoenix dragon thing?"

"Oh, is it? You see, I get those things confused, sometimes, they don't have the rules written on them, and I mean I swear it's like it gets made up on the spot...BUT I INSTALLED IT ANYWAY!"

Hakase punched through a plate of glass that contained a button labeled 'REAL ULTIMATE POWER'.

The Obelisk stopped shooting sticky wads of photon lasers, and the panel retracted back up into the ceiling.

"Well that wasn't so tough," Asuna grinned stupidly, still clutching onto Ayaka.

Then the panel returned, this time bearing enough Obelisks to stretch from one wall to the other. They were sized differently and were each closer to or further away from the panel so that each one still had full rotation.

"You just had to say something, huh?" Ayaka sobbed.

"HAHAHA!" Asakura started laughing so hard she had to bend over. She pointed up at one of the Obelisks that could only have been four inches long, "It's the Asian model! HAHAHA!"

"That's a stereotype..." Misora stated, shaking her head. She couldn't help but crack a smile, though.

-

"Kotaro," Negi started gently, "Have I ever told you how happy I am that I'm British?"

"Have I ever told you how happy I am that you're not a girl?" Kotaro replied with a question of his own.

"Uh, no, why?"

The second boy swung a fist into his friend's face, knocking him over onto his back. "No reason."

-

"There are fifty of them," Nodoka gasped.

"And if they each shoot at a rate of one per two seconds..." Yue murmured.

"That means there will be one hundred beams shot every four seconds..." Haruna finished.

"Machinery like that, even experimental, shouldn't need to stop to cool off for at least fifteen minutes..." Chisame added.

"With fifteen minutes as the estimated time of firing, there will be eleven-thousand-two-hundred-and-fifty beams to dodge," Chachamaru whimpered gleefully, staring up at the glory.

"Wow, math has a practical use after all," Makie whispered, watching the Obelisks take aim.

"Uh, Set-chan, I don't think I want to get blasted by that many blasters..." Konoka admitted, ducking behind her guardian.

Haruna even thought twice about this one, "I don't know if I'm ready for mechanical bukkake to the max..."

Setsuna looked back at Konoka, who seemed genuinely perturbed by the oncoming orgasm onslaught. That did it. It was time to show why canon characters would always be more Mary Sue than Original Characters, and that they would always be able to get away with it.

"Everyone! Get behind me!" The guardian commanded, raising her sword.

Everyone did as directed, and even Evangeline managed to drag Chachamaru over to the general 'behind Setsuna' area.

"Setsuna," Mana tapped her on the shoulder, "You do realize that this is really, really not likely to work, right?"

"Yeah, I know."

"No, I mean this is REALLY, REALLY not likely to work. This is like trying to use a cotton swab to assassinate a hundred well armed and well trained soldiers in ten minutes."

"Maybe next time don't use an example of something that you've already done, before!" Setsuna grinned.

"Just saying," Mana backed off, smiling back. She didn't bother to ask why Setsuna had been allowed to keep her sword, while she had to give up her guns. She already knew the answer. Setsuna was a main character, which meant she got away with that kind of crap. What are you gonna do?

Safely tucked into a corner with Setsuna at the front, 3A awaited to see what fate would befall them.

"IT'S TIME TO DUEL!!!!!" Hakase roared.

The Obelisks fired.

-

"I wonder where all of the girls went off to, today?" Negi wondered aloud.

Kotaro shrugged, "I don't know, but damn, Negi, why are you always thinking about them, anyway?"

"Why aren't YOU always thinking about them?"

"What?"

"Yeah, you think about that one."

-

"Wow," Konoka wiped her brow as she stepped through the facility door and back out into the sunshine of the day.

"No freaking kidding 'wow'," Asuna concurred, wiping the sweat from her forehead, as well.

"That was amazing," Nodoka gasped, sweat gliding down her face.

"Absolutely incredible..." Yue murmured.

"Master, let me go back!" Chachamaru begged, trying futilely to break free from Evangeline's grip and get back into the facility.

All of 3A spilled out onto the pathway outside what was practically Hakase's home, said what they had to say, then went on their ways back to the dorms, or club activities, or whatever they had left for the day. And they all lived happily ever after. Until...

Asakura began her walk home, then realized something. "Where's Sayo?"

-

"I can't believe Setsuna managed to deflect all of those beams. How she ever moved that fast, I will never understand," Hakase sighed, tending to the overused Obelisks.

"Worse still, we don't know if the things work, or not. I guess we'll just have to try again, another time. Come on," Chao bid Hakase down from the platform she was on to mend the tired machinery, "Let's take a break and get something to eat. There's always later."

Hakase obeyed, and the two soon left the room to grab a well deserved bite. Unknown to them, Sayo was on the floor, twitching uncontrollably and drooling puddles. Hooray for magic!

Mission Analysis...

- - -Objective 01 - Completed

- - -Objective 02 - Completed

- - -Objective 03 - Completed

- - -Objective 04 - Completed

- - -Objective 05 - Completed

- - -Objective 06 - Completed

- - -Objective 07 - Obtain ten reviews, or obtain a review from fellow operative Azureshot. Status - Failed.

Mission status - Failed...