A/N: Yes, this was my attempt at a Kids as Kids fic with Craig and Those Guys in the starring role.

Synopsis: Stark's Pond isn't safe. Reports are surfacing all over town of strange activity and mysterious deaths in Stark's Pond. Craig and Those Guys decide to investigate when they discover a lead. Meanwhile, Kevin Stoley must defend his best friend's honor.

South Park Unleashed

"Shark Zone"

(Season 1, Episode 7)

by John

(Originally Posted October 31st, 2011)

It was quite evening at Stark's Pond, not too unlike any other. The quiet, reflective waters of Stark's were rarely disturbed at night. Today, however, was not a normal night. Two young, pretty seventeen-year-old girls approached the lake: one with wavy blonde hair, purple lipstick and wearing a black 'DVDA' T-shirt and jeans with a belt, and the other with black hair, freckles, and wearing a brown jacket over a green top and shorts.

"Should we go skinny-dipping, Tara?" asked the black-haired girl excitedly as they reached the edge of the forbidding lake.

"Awh, sick, I don't want to see you naked!" the blonde, Tara covered her mouth in disgust as her friend rolled her eyes and took off her jacket, She took off her top and shorts, jumping in the water in her underwear, making quite a show of it. Tara rolled her eyes in irritation at how pretty her friend thought she was.

"Come on Tara, the water's great!" insisted the brunette as she swam on her back in the water. Tara removed her belt and let her baggy jeans slip to the ground - she knew this spot and had actually been smart enough to wear a bikini underneath. Before she removed her shirt, her friend disappeared beneath the water.

"Shannon?" There was a pause, Tara crossing her arms, bubbles rising in Shannon's place, "Very funny, Shannon, you dyke, trying to play one of your tricks? I'm not showing you my boobs." No more bubbles. The water was calm, "Shannon, it's not funny..." Tara leaned down to look in the water off the bank, unwilling to step in now. "Shannon?" And that's when Tara saw a fin move quickly through the water and go as soon as it had came.

"Shark!" she yelped as she ran from the bank of Stark's Pond, "Help! Police!" she said, taking out her cell phone, "Shit! What's the number for 9-1-1 again?" After a moment of contemplation, she slapped herself and dialled the number, "Hello? Is this 9-1-1? What do you mean wrong number?" She hung up, and then began redialling, "Hello, 9-1-1? Oh phew... my best friend Shannon just got attacked! Stark's Pond. Yes, I know it's late for a girl my age to be- no, we were not lesbians... well okay, Shannon kinda was but- it was a shark, dumbass!"

xXx

"Red Racer will be back right after these messages..."

Craig Tucker rested his cheek on his head. He was so sick of commercials over his favorite TV show. Godammit can't they just let Red Racer cross the finish line already? He always won - that's why Craig loved the show. Nice and predictable. And predictable is quite close to normal, after all. Suddenly he felt the annoying, consistent tap to his arm become more rapid, and turned to see an eager Clyde Donovan, his best friend, "Craig. Craig. Watch. I love this commercial."

"Clyde, shut the hell up." Craig said simply before yawning. Despite their close friendship, Clyde was far more of an annoyance to Craig - usually bothering him over something pointless like tacoes, Warcraft, lice, or worst, the actual ARTICLES in Playboy. Despite this, Clyde usually found himself hanging around Craig and vice versa, and Clyde was a staple of Craig's group when he wasn't off with his girlfriend. Clyde had no issue with Bebe dating him despite Craig's reminders all she cared about was shoes and did not wish to allow Clyde to touch her boobs. "Jimmy, it's your turn to check on my dumb sister."

Jimmy, now there's someone Craig liked. Jimmy was plain - he told jokes, he was fairly nice, he wasn't a total pussy, and he was no longer a virgin. But there wasn't much to say about Jimmy, and that's what Craig liked. Token was similar - he was quiet, if kind of a smartass, and he was rich. Both of them were also eager for acceptance from their peers, a desire Craig's gang had appealed to. Soon the four had been solidified in the same way Cartman, Stan, Kyle and Kenny were forever bound together. "All right, on it." Jimmy moved out toward Ruby Tucker's bedroom.

And then there was a frantic knocking at the door. Craig got up and answered it - his parents were probably back from the market. About freakin' time - he'd been waiting over an hour. But he opened the door instead to see Tweek Tweak, pulling his messy blonde hair, "Craig, you won't believe what I saw on the news!" Tweek annoyed Craig to no end, but his desire for friendship after he was kicked out by Cartman, Stan and Kyle caused him to end up apart of their group. Despite being cast away, he came back. As much as Tweek annoyed Craig, an endless supply of coffee, and the eye candy of Tweek's mother, allowed Craig to keep Tweek in the loop, if barely so, "Augh! Jesus just let me in, man!" Tweek burst in.

"Tweek, calm down bro." Token said with surprise - Tweek was shaking even more so than usual as he went in front of the TV, looking around, nervous to tell his friends the unbelievable rumor he had heard. They sat on the couch, Craig holding the remote apathetically, "Just calmly tell us what happened.." Token said.

Tweek twitched as he spoke, "Gah! So these two girls were down by Stark's Pond and a shark attacked them and he ate one of them and why do they call it Stark's Pond anyway, is it named after Tony Stark or something? Augh, it's just like that movie! One of our girlfriends is going to have rape fantasies about her ex-boyfriend's brother and we're all going to be on a boat and this just happened like three fics ago and Jesus Christ!"

Clyde got up and put a hand on his friend's shoulder, Tweek's blue eyes searching the room as he twitched, "Tweek, calm down! That's impossible, there's no freshwater sharks in Colorado!" Clyde explained, hoping to reassure Tweek, but he movoed away nervously.

"You're w-wrong, Clyde. There is... one." Jimmy stepped forward, returning from checking Ruby's room, the others facing him as Jimmy relived the memory, "B-Back when I went to cr-cr-cripple camp, my friend Nathan was r-r-rah r-r-rah r-r-r-rah raped by a Lake T-Tardicaca Shark. I bet it's one of them in Stark's P-P-P-Pah, Stark's P-P-Pah, Stark's P-Pond."

"Sharks in Colorado. Oh boy. Another idea to do something stupid that can't possibly backfire. Bravo guys. Now can you move out of the way so I can finish Red Racer?" Craig said quietly, raising the remote. The others exchanged looks and reluctantly moved back to the couch, aside Tweek, who sat on the floor, twitching.

"We interrupt Red Racer for an important news bulletin!" Craig's jaw dropped as the screen switched to South Park's latest of several news anchors - with Tom Pusslicker and Chris Swollenballs out of commission, Tom Knickersniffer took the town by storm, "A local girl, age seventeen, Shannon McDonald, was killed at Stark's Pond this morning while skinny-dipping with a friend. The South Park Police is investigating the case while the Park County Police focus on the Jigsaw Killer case..." he cut to Officer Barbrady sitting at the Police Station. (OFFICER BARBRADY: South Park Chief-of-Police)

"Huh? What?"

"A family member of the victim released this press statement:" Knickersniffer read off a piece of paper, "Hahaha, that is gay."

"See?" Tweek said, twitching sharply, "Augh! I told you guys! You didn't believe me but I told you!" he began pulling blonde hair out of his head but Clyde put a hand on his shoulder and shot him a look and Tweek stopped, looked around and finally ended the ritual. "Must... remember... happy... place..."

"Therapy's doing wonders for him." Clyde said like a proud parent, "Shit Craig, looks like we missed the ending of Red Racer. Sucks, huh? You finally missed one- oh, hey look your parents are driving up." Clyde looked out the window. Craig flipped Clyde off, with emotion, got up and opened the door to see Thomas and Emily "Emma" Tucker, both carrying grocery bags and looking down.

"Craig, it's so nice to see you, sweetie... take some bags to the table already!" she dumped two bags into Craig's arm and returned to the car to get more, flipping her son off. An angry Craig proceeded to do the same thing back as he carried them in while his friends sat idly by and watched more television.

"Aren't you going to go help your mother?" Clyde asked quietly. Craig flipped him off, "Hey, don't flip me off, Craig!" Craig did it again, and then Clyde burst out crying.

"Pussy." Craig rolled his eyes.

xXx

Kevin Stoley, Bradley Biggle, Red Tucker and Annie Polk were in Red's room, having a quiet afternoon to themselves. Kevin and Bradley were duelling lightsabers while Red did Annie's toenails. Somehow, this all worked out fine - Annie didn't have to be a Jedi, Red got to enjoy the company of both Jedi and women, and the Jedi didn't have to paint anyone's toenails but their own. Of course, all this was interrupted by a noise through the door:

"There you are Skeeter!" came the voice of Red's mother, hoarse and rather deep by female standards, though still womanly, "Where've you been today? I need your help with dinner!"

"I'm tired, okay!" Skeeter's voice came, "Can't you just do it yourself?"

"You never help out around the house, Skeeter, you expect me to do everything yourself! Well, guess what? I'm not your slave!"

"I had a rough day at work! These stupid ten-year-olds tried to get into the bar again and I got fired for takin' my job too seriously! They took ma jawb!"

"They dooker der!" Okay, none of the kids recognized that voice.

"Dammit Darryl, I said go home!" Skeeter said angrily. Red sighed.

"Well I spent all day cleaning the house, including beer stains from the last time you got drunk you alcoholic!" Red's mother told him.

"I am not an alcoholic, Helen!" Kevin and Bradley looked at each other, getting a bit scared now, "I work at the bar! What d'you expect me to drink, apple juice?"

"Why did I even say anything? Like you ever listen to me! You don't even care about me! I'm leaving!" There was the sound of a door slamming,

"That's fine! Leave! Like I care! I'll make my own dinner!" Skeeter called out. There was silence. The kids exchanged worried glances when Red's bedroom door open, Skeeter poking his head in, "Any of you kids know the difference between a microwave and an oven?" Annie looked both ways,

"Uhh... the microwave is the smaller one?" she asked, raising an eyebrow, still extremely confused,

"Thanks." Skeeter closed the door, returning to what he was doing. Red sighed and got up, walking away towards the other side of the room. Bradley, Kevin and Annie exchanged nervous looks. Kevin approached her,

"Red, are you okay?" No answer. "Do you need to talk about it?"

"No Kevin, I'm fine, I just- nevermind, okay? I just need to be alone for a minute." Kevin turned and looked back at her,

"Just call me if you need anything." Kevin nodded, going back to the others and sighing, "I'm worried about her." he whispered, putting his hands on his cheeks.

"Me too..." Annie sighed.

xXx

Craig left the bathroom and went to the living room to see his friends gone. Oh, shit, what were they up to now? He went through the hallway and soon spotted them in his bedroom using his computer, "Oh no. What are you assholes looking up?" he asked as he saw Jimmy, Tweek and Token at the foot of the chair, while Clyde maneuvered the computer mouse and keyboard. "Who said you could use my computer?"

"We're doing research on the shark thing, dude." Token explained, turning to face him. Craig liked Token and all, but come fucking on here. "I mean we're all buds here, like you'd mind, right? It's just a news article, it's not like we're looking up porn or anything, right?" Token asked, which Clyde took as a subtle nod to close the PornHub tab. "Find anything?"

"Not much besides the shit they said in the news broadcast." Clyde said simply, "Just that Stark's Pond will not be open to visitors for a week now... crap, not until November 5th?" Clyde frowned, "Dammit, what if I want to go swimming or something? Stupid sharks, ruining all the fun.."

"Augh! Why would you want to go swimming in November?" Tweek asked, twitching. "Hey, what about link!" Tweek pointed, "It says Jaws and three X's."

"I wonder what that means..." Clyde clicked when suddenly noises of moans came, "...holy crap, is that Ms. Cartman?" he asked as the sounds of splashing came.

"Oh, hello there Mr. Quint..." Definitely Liane Cartman. Tweek turned away and covered his eyes, and Clyde covered his mouth. Even Jimmy and Token, who were no strangers to sex, were apalled. "Oh, why lookie what's in this pouch..."

"Click off the shark porn, Clyde, you fucking sicko..." Craig said. Clyde did exactly as commanded as Craig flipped him off, "Okay guys, here's something - look up Red Racer Season 4, Episode 12. I don't care if it's YouTube or MediaFire or ThePirateBay, just download that shit."

"Hey, I found something, it says Red Racer Meets Pink Pussy-"

"Clyde, for the love of all that is g-g-good and h-holy, do not click that l-l-l-l-link." Jimmy said with annoyance. Clyde obeyed, closing the window, before going to Red Racer's official site and loading the streaming episode. Clyde hopped out of the chair,

"Just wait until we tell everyone at school tomorrow." Token grinned, "Maybe we can all come up with an idea to save Stark's Pond! It'll be awesome!" he fist-pumped. He and Clyde then high-fived. Craig got up into his computer chair and looked down at his friends, sighing,

"You guys are a bunch of fucking dorks..."

xXx

Helen Tucker sat at a bench near Stark's Pond, strawberry-blonde hair frazzled, mascara running down her cheeks, a green jacket tight around her. Fuckin' Skeeter... why did she marry that redneck douchebag anyway? All he cared about was himself and his drinking habits! She was just an afterthought... well, she'd make him pay! She'd slip something icky in his food... like pubic hairs, or something! She heard this one kid sells them by the baggie...

She sat at the bank and took off her shoes and socks, letting her toes rest in the cool water surface. Then, the water moved. She swore she saw something move. She got up and approached the lake to see what that slight movement was. Nothing, not a sign of life now. Odd. She shrugged and continued to let her toes rest in the calm water. It was so serene and peaceful...

And then, suddenly, she felt several rows of teeth sink into her foot.

xXx

It was a rather cold morning for Kevin Stoley as he sat in his family's blue dining room for breakfast, spooning cereal into his mouth sleepily. He had just slipped out of his pajamas and into a black T-shirt and his usual dark gray khakis, his sky blue jacket on the chair behind him as he ate quietly. "Morning." he murmured as his father entered the room in his blue pajamas, turning on the television and turning on the coffee maker.

"Morning son." he said, sitting down and looking like a mess, "How'd you sleep?" Kevin sighed, looking down - not well, he'd been tossing and turning all night.

"I'm okay." he sighed, opening his mouth to continue when they were interrupted by the television, where Tom Knickersniffer stood, holding his papers,

"Breaking news South Park, as the South Park Police encircles Stark's Pond this morning. Another person has mysteriously disappeared at the lake, the second in just forty-eight hours. Mrs. Helen Tucker left her home late Tuesday evening and is believed to have been sitting on a bench when she was somehow forced into the lake, as there are signs of a struggle near the shore. We now go live to a Hideously Deformed Man Eating a Popcicle, who is at Stark's Pond as we speak." cut straight to aforementioned reporter,

"Tom, I'm standing here just outside of the yellow police tape Officer Barbrady has placed around the lake to prevent others from going in until the creature is killed, or learns how to walk on land, buys it's own house, and integrates with the community." he said as popcicle dripped from his mouth, handing his microphone to Barbrady, "Officer, what do you have to say about this issue?"

Officer Barbrady stopped for a moment to think, then cleared his throat, "Bacon."

"There you have it folks, straight from the horse, er, police officer's mouth." the reporter chuckled, causing more popcicle to drip out, "Back to you at the Studio, Tom."

"...hey, Helen Tucker... isn't that your friend Red's mother?" Nicholas Stoley asked his son, rubbing his chin. Kevin dropped his spoon, "Kevin?"

xXx

"...and then Terrance and Phillip started making out. It was like, the hottest fanfic I ever read in my whole life." Bebe sighed happily as she held her books. Wendy and Annie both stood around her, both of their eyebrows raised in confusion. What Bebe did in her spare time was not their business but still... "So what have you guys been up to? How are things with your boyfriend, Wendy?"

"We broke up, Bebe. Stop pretending you don't know and rubbing it in." Wendy crossed her arms and rolled her eyes at her best friend, then sighed, "So... did either of you guys watch the news this morning?" Bebe looked at Wendy as if she had ingested some kind of mysterious chemical and had only a few hours to live.

"They were talking about Red's mom on there, huh?" Soft-spoken Annie asked, sighing, "I didn't see it but... Craig kind of spread the news around..." she said. And speak of the devil, Red walked by with her backpack, eyes down. The girls exchanged looks, and Annie put a hand on her shoulder, "Hey. You okay?" Red looked around and sighed,

"Everyone knows, don't they?" she sighed, keeping her eyes away from the others, "Everyone knows, because my stupid cousin told everybody, and now nobody's going to leave me alone, and they're all going to try to make me feel better and be all clingy and shit. All day it's all anyone's going to want to talk about. They'll lavish me with attention because they feel sorry for me, but all they'll talk about is my mom." she sighed.

"...you don't want to talk about it do you?" Annie asked quietly, feeling a bit embarrassed, looking down and rubbing the back of her hand nervously. Red finally turned and looked at her,

"The last thing I want to think about is my mother. I just want to forget it, okay?" Red sighed, "Come on, let's... let's just get to class, okay?" Red walked off, Annie bowing her head and sighing as well before following obediently. Kevin then entered the hallway and ran up to Kenny, Cartman, Butters, Stan and Kyle's lockers, though only Kenny and Butters were present, putting their books away. Where their other three friends were, they dared not question.

"Butters, Kenny, dudes, have either of you seen Red today?" he asked, stopping to catch his breath. Butters and Kenny exchanged glances,

"Well, yeah, she just walked by." Butters told Kevin, "She seemed awful sad about somethin' but I'm not too sure what it coulda been..." Kenny raised an eyebrow at Butters, shrugged and left without a word, "...don't mind Kenny, I think he's sore Eric, Stan and Kyle went on another a'venture without bringing him along. Poor Ken. Anyway, yeah, Red seems awful sad."

"Her mom died Butters." Kevin said, crossing his arms, "Something in Stark's Pond is killing people. First it got Fosse's older sister, and now it got Red's mom. Who's next, Butters? When does it end?" He shook Butters' shoulders, "WHEN DOES IT FUCKING END?"

"I-I DON'T KNOW!" Butters ran off towards the boys' bathroom, tears streaming down his face. Kevin stood there, fists balled up as he looked around for a minute - it was rare for Kevin to be this angry in public, but dear God had it happened. Craig and Clyde, walking down the hall, stopped with their eyebrows raised,

"God, did you see that? Isn't Butters a pussy, dude?" Clyde laughed. Craig punched Clyde in the guit, and his eyes closed and watered as he burst out into tears, frantically crying. The bell rang and Clyde and Craig sighed as they approached and entered the classroom, sitting alongside their fellow students as Mr. Garrison stood in front,

"All right kids, today for Biology we're going to be learning about sharks." Garrison said, turning to the board and drawing, "There are several species of sharks. You see, sharks are cartiligious fishes, like skates, rays and chimeras, so they don't have skeletons - their bodies are made up of cartilage, like your nose and your ears. Now kids, sharks are- what is it, Millie?" Garrison asked.

"Why're we talkin' about sharks, Mr. Garrison?" Millie asked, "Usually we talk about current issues and society, and stuff like that? I don't really see how sharks're relevant."

"Because Millie, with the recent attacks in Stark's Pond, some people speculate there may be sharks or other kinds of fish involved. There are very few species of shark that can survive in freshwater though, and Stark's Pond doesn't feed into a river or anything, so that theory's probably bullcrap, but regardless, I have orders from the Principal to teach you this crap. Back to- oh, is there something you want to say, too, Bebe?" Bebe wasn't one to comment much. Just took notes.

"I know tons about sharks, Mr. Garrison. See, I always wanted to be a marine biologist so I do my research at the Aquarium!" she said smirking and crossing her arms triumphantly. Garrison raised an eyebrow,

"Well... did you know sharks..." Bebe finished at the same time he did, "Can't get cancer?" Garrison was astounded - maybe Bebe wasn't a natural blonde?

"Of course I knew that. And it's not true," Bebe corrected, "Studies find while sharks have a much lower rate of cancer, no living thing is immune to it's effects. Funny story actually. Also did you know dolphins are ssentially shark's natural enemies? They'll gang up on sharks that attack other dolphins, or sometimes just for fun."

"...okay Bebe, you had your fun as teacher, but I am the teacher for this class, so shut the hell up and don't talk unless I ask you something, capiche?" Garrison said, "Does anyone else have any questions before we go back to taking notes?" Token raised his hand, "Token, yes?"

"How do you kill a shark, Mr. Garrison?" Token asked quietly. While Token didn't think animals should be killed, he felt it was a valid question. Not that this stopped Wendy and Bebe from glaring at him angrily.

"Oh, that's easy. Just go watch Jaws, it's like a step-by-step tutorial." Mr. Garrison turned around, "All right now I'm going to show you each pictures of various sharks, and you have to identify them. Let's see..." Garrison showed the first image, "All right, see this one? It's about twenty feet long, notice it's gray but with a white belly. Sharp torpedo-shaped nose... mhmm, very attractive shape, actually..." Garrison rubbed his chin, "D'you kids know that sharks keep their penises in pouches? ...wonder how you work it out of that pouch..."

"Great White! Great White!" Clyde said readily, looking pretty damn scared, "It's a Great White shark, Mr. Garrison, we can move on now!"

"Mhm... oh, right, yes, Clyde, correct... and this one is..." he pressed the button, "Notice the brown coloring, the black-tipped fins, the similar shape... come on, retards, black-tipped, doesn't that signal anything to you?" Silence. "How fucking stupid are you kids?"

"Uhh... is it a b-b-black-tip shark, Mr. Garrison?" Jimmy asked.

"No, Jimmy, it's a black-tip reef shark. But good try!" Mr. Garrison clicked to another picture, "This one you'll see-" And then, quite suddenly, there was crying. "Clyde, they're just photographs, please, get over yourself."

"It's not me, Mr. Garrison!" Clyde said, "...it's Butters, he's the real crybaby!" he said desperately, eager to throw suspicion off himself. Why did people think he was such a crybaby? Why would anybody think something like that? He hadn't cried in like, twenty minutes now! It was totally unfair.

"Huh? It's not me, fellas!" Butters tapped his fists together, looking around to find the source of the crying. He wasn't the only one looking as all eyes lay on Red Tucker, who's face was down on the desk, her arms hiding her face as she cried loudly. Kevin, Bradley, and Annie exchanged nervous glances.

"Ugh. Rebecca Tucker, go see the counselor if you're going to disrupt my class to talk about all of your stupid problems." Mr. Garrison rolled his eyes with annoyance. Red lifted her face, tears still falling as she ran out the door. Garrison turned back to the presentation, "Anyway-" The door opened again, Principal Victoria peeking in, "What is it?"

"Mr. Garrison, we just got a call from your parents, apparently your Uncle Tim died. Your mother insisted I tell you it's for real this time." Principal Victoria reported. Garrison looked down horrified as Victoria left,

"Hey kids, how would you like to hear about my stupid problems instead of learning the history of Ancient Egypt?"

xXx

A fan sat in the window, blowing cool air into Mr. Mackey's office as he sat behind his desk, hands together as he looked across the room at the girl in front of him. She sat in her chair looking down, not meeting his face, looking fairly depressed. He sighed, "M'kay, Rebecca, I know you're having a hard time right now, m'kay, with your mother being, well, dead... but you have to move on with your life. Your mother wouldn't have wanted you to be sad and depressed, m'kay, she would've wanted her little girl to be happy."

"It's not polite to put words in people's mouths, Mr. Mackey." Red grumbled quietly, "You don't know my mother. How do you know what she'd want, hm? How do you know how my mom would feel? Perhaps she was an alcoholic who beat me on a regular basis, thought I was a failure, and wanted me aborted, hm? Or perhaps she was an absolute saint who cared so much about other people and not herself she'd throw herself in front of a bus for someone? How do you know how she feels? You don't. You know why? Because she's gone forever."

"...m'kay." Mackey wasn't sure how to react to that, "Rebecca, let me ask you something: what makes you the happiest, m'kay? What kind of stuff do you enjoy doing? Everybody has a hobby." he asked her carefully, trying to gouge a response. She blinked, not looking up as she began speaking,

"I sure as hell don't enjoy seeing counselors." she mumbled, "I don't really have any hobbies. I spend most of my free time over at the South Park Genetic Engineering Ranch seeing my boyfriend." she admitted quietly, still looking down, "I do spend some time with my friends but since me and Terrance started dating we've been a lot closer." she explained.

"Well, there you go, m'kay, maybe at recess you can go and meet up with your little boyfriend and cheer yourself up, m'kay?" Mackey smiled, mixing his coffee a bit, "Doesn't that sound nice?"

"Mr. Mackey, let me ask you something. When you lost your father, what did you do with your life, huh? Did you just go on, Mr. Mackey? Did everything just fly by for you, huh?"

"Rebecca, that's not very appropriate to being say to your counselor, m'kay, 'cause that's- that's personal information, and taking someone's personal life, and uh, uh, making fun of it, that's bad, m'kay." Mr. Mackey said, taking his clipboard and writing down a note, "Now, Rebecca, I'm going to write you a note out of here and I recommend you go home and get some sleep, m'kay?"

"...no. I'm not going home. I'm getting through this school day, no matter how you assholes treat me." she got out of her chair and left the room, Mr. Mackey staring off in shock and disbelief. He looked down, then back at the door,

"You forgot your hall pass, m'kay!"

xXx

Craig Tucker sat next to Clyde Donovan and Token Black on his side of the lunch table, each of them eating their food as selected from the cafeteria. Craig took a slice of pizza in hand while Clyde munched on what he believed was an all-beef burger. Token was sipping his carton of milk instead. Across from them were Jimmy Valmer, Tweek Tweak and Jason McHugh. Jimmy had a hot dog, Tweek was eating a burger and Jason had also selected pizza. Jason always seemed to stick around, welcome or unwelcome.

"So did you guys see the news this morning?" asked Clyde, looking both ways, "Red Tucker's mom got killed at Stark's Pond now, just like Fosse's sister. I'm telling you guys, something has to be done about this whole shark thing. I mean look how heartbroken Fosse is..." he motioned to a table, where Bill, Fosse, Terrance, Dogpoo, Kevin, and Bradley sat - today was Wednesday so Red was over with the girls during lunch.

"And so then I told him, 'Ignorant plebian, I'll have you turned into a frog!' and then I did exactly that. Daddy makes wonderful playthings." Terrance Mephesto gloated toward Kevin, Dogpoo and Bradley. Bill and Fosse laughed along with their unquestionable leader,

"Heheh, that's gay!" Fosse looked at Bill, grinning.

"Totally gay, hahaha!" Bill grabbed his chest as he laughed.

"How are we going to stop a shark?" Craig asked, taking a bite of his pizza, "It's a giant killing machine. How can a bunch of fourth graders stop something like that?"

"You're kidding, right?" Jason asked, laughing, "It's extremely easy, dude. You get a boat, you catch it - it's only Stark's Pond - and then throw explosives in it's mouth. It's been done before - ever seen Varan the Unbelievable?"

"Hey... hey, Jason's right, we could totally do that!" Clyde grinned, "Token, you're rich, your family totally has a boat, right? And, uh, Tweek, something, something tells me you know about explosives! Can you get us some?"

"GAH! Clyde, man, that is way too much pressure, you expect me to get bombs? Jesus!" Tweek shoved what was left of his burger in his mouth, nearly choking on it before swallowing it, breathing heavily.

"Tweek, relax, chew your food man... anyway, I have a boat, yeah. But we shouldn't go so fast, we need to do research first and stuff... Jimmy, didn't you say you knew someone who was in contact with a shark once?" Token asked.

Jimmy was in the middle of deep-throating a hot dog when this issue came up, "Oh, well yes, when I was at Lake Tardica- Lake Tardica- caa- caaa- Lake Tardicaca, my good buddy N-N-Nathan was attacked by a sh-sh-sh-shaaark. It totally r-r-rah-raped him. It was so bad Timmy videotaped it and turned it into a p-p-p-porno."

Clyde covered his mouth in shock, "...oh my God, Man-Shark Fuckfest III? You know that kid?" The other children looked at him, eyes wide with horror, "I-it's not mine, it's one of my dad's favorite pornos... he watches it whenever mom's not home 'cause she doesn't like it. I swear to God, you guys, I swear!"

"Clyde, you're a cool friend and all, but seriously, you're kind of a freak." Craig said, "You're annoying as shit, you think you're cool but you're not, you get hornier when we talk about tacoes than when we talk about your girlfriend, you cry all the fucking time, you only have one testicle, you have a colon bag thing, and you're fat."

"I'M NOT FAT GODAMMIT!" Clyde screamed, before looking around and covering his mouth. "How about you? Every time you're pissed off you're all 'oh look at me, I'm so boring' but when you're in a good mood, all you want to do is start trouble! Do you have any idea how contradictory you are you freakin' dick? And then you flip everyone off like it's no big fucking deal!"

"Clyde, you're really starting to grate on my nerves, man." Craig said, flipping him off, opening his mouth to continue but before the conversation could escalate, Jimmy started speaking,

"Hey fellas, do you want to hear a f-f-fantastic joke?" Jimmy always tried to tell jokes when a situation got too serious in hopes of defusing it, "S-so a guy asks his f-f-friend, 'What kind of things do you l-l-look for in a woman?' and his f-f-friend says 'My d-d-dah-d-d-dah-dah-d-d-dick'." he grinned, "Wow, what a terrific audience!"

xXx

"All right people, I want answers. What are we going to do about this whole Stark's Pond business? We can't just get rid of that old lake, and we don't have the funds to do jack shit anymore. We've rebuilt this town too many times." Mayor McDaniels turned from her window and sat at her desk, "You are the most brilliant minds in South Park, do your magic!" She didn't exactly have a group of all-stars: City Attorney Gerald Broflovski, City Treasurer Linda Stotch, City Planner Deborah Testaburger, Parks/Public Grounds Official Randy Marsh, Secretary of Public Safety Thomas Tucker, Chief-of-Police Officer Barbrady and Chief of the Fire Department Ryan Valmer.

"Mayor McDaniels, there's nothing we can do - the fact is, the town of South Park is out of money." Linda Stotch said, "Having to rebuild after so many calamities has bankrupted the entire town and our economy is as fragile as a writer's ego." She balled a fist into her other hand for emphasis, "We're screwed."

"Hey, that's not true... maybe we can have a bake sale!" Deborah suggested, "You know, I can make some cupcakes, oh, Linda, you could try making a cake or something? Maybe we could ask Liane Cartman, Sean's told me she's a master baker! Mayor, are you good at baking?"

"Hey yeah, Debbie's right, we could totally have a little bake sale outside Town Hall!" Gerald said, grinning - this plan was totally perfect and full-proof, "You know, my wife can bake, too. Sheila make's the best cheesecake, I'm telling you, sell them by the slice, they will be gone!"

"Awh, come on, Gerald, who really likes cheesecake? That stuff tastes like crap!" Randy said, sticking his tongue out, turning around, "Look, I have a better idea, how about we have a film festival? You know, my brah Ned's a real movie junkie, I'm sure we can find plenty to screen. Everyone'll love it! We'll even show some movies that cater to minorities, like, uhh, some Tyler Perry movies, and uh, did George Lopez get to be in any movies? Oh, and the edited version of Terrance & Phillip: Asses of Fire, for the Canadian residents, and hey, how about Brokeback Mountain! We need to cater to the cowboys, am I right?"

"Look, this isn't the issue, people. There is a shark in Stark's Pond and we need to do something about it." Officer Barbrady explained calmly, "Now, what are we gonna do, people?"

"I don't know, but we need to do something. There's already two victims, what if one of the families presses charges?" Gerald said, "The MacDonalds look to be pretty quick to make an issue over it, and they're a pretty well-off family by our town's standards. And in our current economic status, we could be completely devastated."

"Oh my God, Gerald's right." Ryan Valmer looked around, "We need to think of something to get that shark out of the way. What if we built over Stark's Pond? We did authorize that Wal-Mart to build over it last year but that thing nearly destroyed the town. Maybe we could put a concrete memorial or something?"

"Ryan, there's no money to build over it!" Linda explained, "This towns is nearly bankrupt! We have no money!" she said, getting slightly hysterical, "We're broke!"

"Look, this is getting nowhere." the Mayor said, putting her arms behind her back and looking out the window at her city, "My re-election campaign is coming up soon, we need to save the town's economy, but the first thing we need to is get rid of that goddamn shark!" she said angrily.

"Well, I mean, there must be a solution, Mayor... there has to be something we can do." Randy admitted, "We can't just let our town destroy itself!"

"Hey, hey wait a minute..." Thomas Tucker stepped forward, lighting up, "What if we turned the shark into a tourist attraction? You know, invited research teams to try to catch it and stuff? Like the Loch Ness Monster up in Scotland?"

"Hey!" Skeeter stormed through the door and into the office, Johnson holding one of his arms. Skeeter continued with clear anger, "I need a word with y'all City Council folk!"

"...sorry Mayor, I tried to stop him but he was too strong..." Johnson said quietly, trying to hold on to Skeeter's arm but looking rather weak in comparison to the stocky redneck.

"Skeeter, you're a member of the City Council, you don't have to storm in all pissed off." Thomas said, facepalming at his brother's behavior, "What d'you need?"

"Now, sir, we're really sorry to hear about your loss, but there's nothing we can do." Officer Barbrady explained calmly, "We're already taking a look in Stark's Pond and there's no evidence of any malicious creatures... besides the death and stuff."

"Let me tell you somethin', Mr. Police officer!" Skeeter rose up, "We don't like yer kind 'round here! We like the kind around here that drink beer, watch football, and have ambiguous relationships with their wives! And if you don't like that, well, you can just get the hell outta here!"

"...oh, all righty then." Officer Barbrady got up and walked right out the door, before poking his head back in, "Also, uh, I like the tourist attraction idea. Bye-bye now!"

"Fucking idiot..." the Mayor mumbled, turning around, "Look, Mr. Tucker, please escort Mr. Tucker out of the room. Johnson, go finish your coffee." she sighed, "Look, each of you are dismissed. But keep your eyes out... we need a team to beat this thing, and somewhere in South Park is the team to do that."

xXx

"So guys when are we meeting to take out that shark?" asked Clyde to Tweek, Token, Jimmy and Craig. Jimmy and Token exchanged worried glances as Tweek twitched, "I'm thinking my house, gather supplies, then Stark's Pond around... seven-ish?"

"Godammit Clyde." Craig glared, "I am so sick of you trying to be the leader here. This is my gang, you're just my friend, okay? Stop trying to take control. We're not going after any stupid shark, in any stupid pond, we're going to go to my house, and we are going to play Batman: Arkham City until we get bored, and then we're going to order a pizza, and then Jimmy will tell some lame jokes, and then the pizza delivery guy will be late, and then Tweek will call them to ask what's going on, and then they'll say 'oh, well, it's kind of a busy night' and we'll make Tweek tell them that's okay, and then we'll watch YouTube videos until it comes, eat pizza, and then pass out." He then flipped Clyde off.

"You know what, Craig? You know what? We aren't bro's anymore! I'm totally serial this time!" Clyde said, "You're a big old meanie and you don't let anyone do what they want 'cause you think you're in control, Mr. Boringpants! Goodbye!" he turned and stormed off, before coming back, "And another thing! Your hat is totally stupid! It makes you look like a dick!" He left. And returned, "Oh, and by the way, my mom says you eat like a horse!"

"Yeah Clyde, well, you're a self-absorbed asshole who thinks he's so goddamn nice when really you're just a big fat piece of shit! You're just like a second Cartman!" Craig sneered, "I never wanted to be your brah anyway!" he picked up a football, "Come on guys, let's play."

"Dude, you and Clyde just had a huge fight and you're just going to bounce back like that?" Token asked Craig, "I mean, come on, really? He's your friend and you're just going to let him walk away, just like that?"

"Yes, I will. He'll be back, this is Clyde, we're talking about guys, he always comes back. In this stupid town, things always go back to normal at the end of the day." Craig raised the football to toss it, but the others didn't move, "Come on you assholes..."

"Things always go back to normal, huh? What about Chef? Ms. Crabtree? Pip? Kenny? Our teacher's genitals? Mr. Slave? Stark's Pond? Ike? Fourth Grade? Stan's Grandpa? Kenny's Sister? Cartman's Father? Mephesto? Jesus? Towelie? Mr. Hankey? Mysterion? Face it man, change is all around us!" Tweek said quickly, "At every twist and corner, there's change, man. You can't escape it, it just happens!"

"Tweek's right, Craig, things don't always go back to n-n-nah-n-n-nah-nah-n-n-normal..." Jimmy explained, "He's still your friend, Craig, you need to go cheer him up? If Timmy was feeling under the w-w-weather, I'd stop hanging with you guys and go make him feel b-b-b-bah, b-b-bah-b-better."

Craig sighed, "Fine, one more chance..." Craig approached Clyde, who was talking to his girlfriend Bebe, tapping him on the shoulder. Clyde turned around and crossed his arms, "Clyde, I'm supposed to make you feel better."

"Oh yeah? Well, where's the taco?"

"Huh?"

"I'm not gonna be your brah again until you bring me an apology taco!" Clyde turned back to Bebe. Craig flipped him off,

"Fine then! You know what, Clyde? We're gonna catch that shark, and we're gonna do it without you!" Craig told him angrily, running off and back to his comrades.

"...weirdo." Clyde shook his head, Bebe laughing, "Anyway, so I turned to the clerk and said 'Bitch, what do you mean you never seen a $4 bill before? That's President Obama there! You think just any nine-year-old can draw him on a $1 and write little 4's over the 1's?"

Not far away on the playground, Terrance Mephesto was sitting by the slide, yawning, "Ignorant peseants, they know nothing naught as much as they delude themselves into thinking they do! They shall rue the day they messed with Terrance Alfonz Mephesto!" he said, looking up, "Bill, Fosse, you guys done scouting?"

"Huhuh, not yet!" Bill called down, looking to Fosse, "Huhuh, is it my turn yet, huhuh?"

"No Bill, godammit, heheh, you're gay, heheh, you wouldn't like this, I'm trying to see that Wendy chick's underwear, heheh! She's cryin' in the snow like a freakin'... uhh.. crybaby! A gay crybaby! Hahahaha!" Fosse laughed, looking in his binoculars.

"Hahaha, come on, Fosse, you're bein' gay, those are my binoculars, heheh!"

"...dumbasses." Terrance sighed, looking down when he noticed someone approaching him, "Oh, hello Rebecca. How are you today?" he asked his girlfriend. Red smiled at him,

"I'm fine, thanks." she moved closer to him, "How's my favorite genetecist?" she said in a singsongy romantic voice. Terrance was not phased, looking at her coldly and logically,

"I'm doing well." Terrance said simply, "As we are both doing excellent, I see no further reasoning to continue the conversation unless you wish to assess the progress of our relationship." he told her quietly.

"Heheh, Terrance said ass!" Bill and Fosse began laughing madly.

"Uhh... yes, I'd like to... assess the progress of... us, yes." Red asked, looking at the ground nervously. She always felt nervous around Terrance. He was so intelligent, not like everyone else here, he was someone who could take her places, and make her feel special.

"Our relationship is progressing at the average speed for a couple in the fourth grade. While we haven't even reached first base, most couples don't surpass that goal until the early Junior High years, therefore, we are doing fairly well by the average standards of relationships." he said robotically, spitting out the facts, "However, I have a feeling both parties may not be satisfied with current progress, which is normal, but could slow future progress by our relationship. What is your take on that?"

"I... enjoy being with you, Terrance." she took his hand, "And it may not be... everything I'd like but... I'd like to stay with you. No matter what happens. We're strong and we can get through anything together. Right?"

"Perhaps this is so, but the total strength of our relationship has yet to be properly experimented with against an equally strong or stronger force. I suggest we attempt to test this fact at a future time. Currently, however, I am more occupied with other pressing matters. In approximately forty-three seconds, I am to spend time with one Lizzy McCormick, in lieu of the two neanderthals currently atop the sliding structure."

"Okay... so we can't hang out right now then?" Red said with disappointment, "I was hoping we could talk... I know your dad is able to clone, and my mom... she's kind of..."

"Many apologies for cutting off your current statement but I have an appointment at the swing set and I don't believe I may take a raincheck this time around. We shall converse further today. Hasta manana." And Terrance sped off towards the swing set where Lizzy was waiting. Red sighed, moving to the back wall - not even her boyfriend wanted to be around her. Was she that worthless?

"Hi Red." Kevin greeted, approaching her, "Look, I know you're going through a tough time..." he looked down nervously, "I just wanted to check if... maybe you wanted to talk about it... again..." he bit his lip. "It's totally fine if you don't but... well, you look kind of lonely back here."

"I don't know, dude... I feel like my life is falling apart... my mother's gone, dude... she's really... dead... and it's... it's strange, you know, you expect your parents to be there forever and one day, they're just... gone. And now my boyfriend won't even pay me attention and..." she began to tear up, "I feel so worthless. I feel like I'll never amount to anything! Nobody cares about me! I'm nobody! Nobody!" Kevin put an arm around her,

"Hey, hey, don't say that, Red." he smiled at her, "You're not worthless. You're everything. To me." she smiled back at him slightly, "And you know what? We may not be the popular ones, but deep down, we're just as important as them, because you know, every piece is important to the puzzle, am I right?"

"Yeah, you're right..." she smiled, "Thanks Kevin. You always know how to make me smile when I feel sad." For a brief second, she took his hand, "Uh, you know, I'm feeling better, you want to go play Star Wars by the monkey bars or something?"

Kevin reached into his belt and pulled out his lightsaber, smirking, "Sounds like a plan!"

xXx

The school bell rang, signaling the end of another school day at South Park Elementary - kids rushed out the front door, eager to go home and play video games, hang out, use their computers, or go on wild adventures. Token Black, Tweek Tweak, and Jimmy Valmer walked out and moved to the side, backpacks on awaiting Craig Tucker's arrival. Tweek then looked down, twitched, and looked at the other two boys, "So wait, why do you guys hang out with Craig again? Ngh!"

"...well, I mean, he..." Token looked down, trying to articulate his thoughts accurately, but failing to do so even in his mind - his friendships were not something he often pondered, "Craig's just... you know he's..." he looked to Jimmy for support, then back at Tweek, "It's just, he, uh, well..."

"Yeah, Craig's totally... um..." Jimmy looked down as well, then at Token, Jimmy sighed, as if admitting some kind of sad truth, "He p-p-p-puts up with us, you know?" he finally said, "He doesn't go on the crazy kind of a-a-adventures as Eric's friends, but he a-a-a-a-accepts us for who we are."

"Well, he accepts us. He doesn't really like you." Token interjected, "No offense, Tweek, me and Jimmy totally think you're cool and all, but... Craig thinks you're really annoying." he said, "I mean I guess he likes us because we're kind of normal... but he thinks you, Clyde and Jason are annoying and need to get over yourselves."

"NGH! Really?" Tweek started pulling his hair out, "Oh man, I'm annoying? Nobody's ever told me that before! Well, okay a few people have... a lot of people... oh God, what do I do?"

"There you assholes are." Craig Tucker walked out, putting on his backpack as he walked out of the school, "So are we going to go take care of this shark or what?" he asked, raising an eyebrow. Token, Jimmy and Tweek all looked at each other, then back at him.

"I guess so." Token shrugged as the kids lined up and left the school's front yard on their way to get to Stark's Pond. There was utter silence as they walked down the street when suddenly Token broke it quickly, not liking the quiet very much, "So where are we going to get the explosives we need?"

"You say somethin' about Stark's Pond there, son?" Out walked an old mechanic with graying hairs and sad eyes, a wrinkled face and orange-and-red cap, wearing light purple overalls over a blue shirt, "Lotta history at that thar lake... last three days, three people gone missin' at thar lake..."

"Really? We only knew about Shannon McDonald and Helen T-T-T-Tah, T-T-Tucker." Jimmy asked as the kids looked to the old mechanic, "Has there been a third moyder?"

"Oh, well, a homeless guy sorta drowned thar... I don't think it was much of a moyder that thar time... looks boys, if you're thinkin' of going to that lake, don't do it. They'll eat you alive, what's in that thar lake. You seem like good boys, don't let yourself get killed up at that thar lake."

"ACK! I don't wanna die, oh God, what if I do die? What'll I do? What'll my parents do? They'll have to pay for funeral... how much does a funeral cost? Oh God, what if they can't afford it? What if they can't afford a casket? How much are caskets? Token, will you pay for it? No that's not fair Token, I can't make my friend pay for it... OH GOD I NEED A CASKET!" And he pulled some more hair out.

"Look Mr. Weird Mechanic Guy, we're fine, now leave us alone." Craig crossed his arms.

"Actually, my name is Judd Crandall, I work at a mechanic shop just outside of this har town, near the old Indian burial ground. I'll be off now. Just remember what I told you boys, don't go to that thar lake." the Mechanic turned and left, leaving the kids alone. Craig stretched,

Craig turned to his friends, "Come on guys, we need to research before we hit that lake. Jimmy, what did you say was the name of that kid who got raped by one of these things?"

xXx

Esther Stoley loved, more than anything, art. She had a rather large desk in her room just for drawing - and occasionally playing psychologist, and currently had a large paper out and was drawing. Abstractly - just shapes and colors. Just as she was finishing, there was a knock at her bedroom door. Answering, she was face to face with her brother Kevin, "Oh, hello. Something the matter, dear brother?" she let that last word roll off her tongue sarcastically.

"Yeah... yeah, something is..." Kevin jammed his hands in his pockets, "I'm guessing you already know what happened to Red?" Esther nodded solemnly, "She's not handling the news well, but that's not the worst of it. Terrance has totally moved on. She's nothing to him anymore." he sighed.

Esther rolled her eyes, "You're so jealous, it's cute, it's like watching a puppy begging for food. Come on in, we'll have a talk, Dr. Lecter's still in disposed of." she explained, sitting behind her art desk, still drawing into it, "Now, tell Dr. Stoley what's the matter." she cracked her knuckles.

"It's not fair to her. Red is the sweetest, kindest girl in the whole universe... and people are just mean to her. Her dad's a drunk and too busy running a bar to take care of her, her mom just died and was too mad at her dad to be too close to her, and her boyfriend's too busy chasing around another girl. I wish I could just buy a mansion and have her and Bradley and everyone move in with me and everything would just be okay..." he put his hands on his cheeks. Esther chose not to remind him his funds from the Star Wars contest made this very possible.

"Look Kevin... you care a lot about Red." Now was not the time for teasing about their close friendship, "There's no denying that. You... want to make her happy. Like any best friend wants to see their best friend... there's really not much I can tell you. All you can do is comfort and support her. As for the romantic issue..." Esther pulled out an apple, seemingly out of thin air, "That-"

"Okay, where did that apple come from?" Kevin interrupted, "Every time we talk about Red, you just pull these apples out of thin air! What's the deal? Does it mean something?" he said with clear annoyance. Esther rolled her eyes at his meta-reference and bit it,

"Kevin, it means something you don't understand." Ah, love. Such a complex subject indeed, "Look. If Terrance is after someone else, just... you'll have to sit back and either end things yourself, or watch the cookie crumble. If it's not meant to be... it won't be. And then... maybe then Red'll find the Prince Charming she's looking for." Esther smiled at her brother, who was just confused further. "Do you understand?"

"I think so... but why shouldn't I intevene?"

"Look Kevin..." Esther bit her apple, "Go ahead and do what you want." She chose her words carefully, "Love's impossible to understand. Relationships are built on different things, different needs, and most importantly, different people. Maybe Terrance and Red go together and maybe they don't. But you know what Kevin? I think in the end, things will work out for you."

"...for me? But this is about Red." Esther facepalmed at her brother's next moment of stupidity.

"Do whatever you want, Kevin. Now let me finish my damn sketches." Esther commanded, taking her paintbrush now to go over the sketch. Kevin sighed, got up and left the room, "Swear to God, he misses the most obvious things..."

xXx

Jimmy, Craig, Tweek and Token stood at a red house, Jimmy knocking with his crutches,, then turned his head back, "Now guys, let's all be c-c-cool about this, Nathan has some p-p-problems expressing himself, but let's all try to be accahmdating to him, okay?" Token saluted, Craig flipped him off, and Tweek pulled a few more strands of hair. A woman in her forties with dark brown, nearly black hair answered in a purple blouse and an orange skirt.

"Oh Jimmy, it's so good to see you. Nathan's watching a movie, why don't you go say hi to him?" she smiled, "Nathan's been talking all about you since summer camp ended 'oh, mom, I want to see my friend Jimmy!'" She laughed now, motioning for them to enter. The four boys entered only to see Nathan on the couch in a red shirt and jeans.

"No, I don't want to Remember the Titans, I want to forget the Titans, freakin' Disney Cha- oh shit." Nathan noticed them and moved down, "Jimmy, what the hell are you doing here?" he asked, sneering, "I thought-"

"Well Nathan, I figured we were such great pals and all, maybe you'd like to h-h-help us solve one of the greatest c-c-cr-c-c-cr-cr-crimes in South Park history." Jimmy asked, "We're trying to figure out if a Tardicaca River Shark in Stark's Pond is responsible for the murders of two people."

"Jimmy told us you had a close encounter with one of the Tardicaca sharks at summer camp." Tweek said, trying to keep his composure, although fear was evident the entire time.

"Can't you just tell us what happened? Shannon McDonald and Helen Tucker are dead, dude, this is serious." Token intervened quickly. Not that Craig gave a crap, as he was too busy flipping everyone off.

"Let me ask you something... do you know what rape feels like, Jimmy?" Nathan sneered, "Do you know what it feels like to have a huge nine-inch cock in your ass? Do you? The cock of a fucking shark? Do you have even the vaguest idea how that feels Jimmy?"

"Nathan, I-"

"No Jimmy, you don't. You don't how it feels for a Tardicaca shark to leap out of the water and mount you, and stick it's nine-inch long dick through your pants and into your asshole, ripping your clothes and going so far up your ass you can feel it tickling the bottom of your spine! You don't know how it feels to be RAPED by a fucking SHARK! All because fucking Mimsy blew the shark whistle wrong!" Nathan turned and crossed his arms, "So how about you all just leave me the fuck alone!"

"...did he say shark whistle?" Craig finally piped in.

xXx

Clyde Donovan sighed as he entered Tweek Bros. Coffee shop, walking up the counter, where Mrs. Angela Tweek stood, holding a notebook and a pen to take his order. "Welcome to Tweek Bros. Coffee, may I take your order please?" she asked eloquently. Clyde sighed,

"Tea, earl gray, hot..." he said quietly, looking down, and wondering what his friends were up to. Dare he admit it, Clyde was lonely right now. He'd abandoned the people who needed him most. He was one of the things he hated most: a traitor. Oh well, let that douche Craig die...

"Everything all right, Clyde?" Mrs. Tweek asked as she finished writing his order, "You seem a little upset. What's the matter?" she asked as she turned around and began making the tea behind the counter.

"Well, Craig and the guys are going on a big mission to Stark's Pond." Clyde explained, "I was supposed to go with them... we were gonna stop that stupid shark that's killin' everyone... but me and Craig had a fight... and I abandoned my friends... and at the time I was all 'rawr you guys suck, fuck off' and now I feel like... like I betrayed my buds. What do I do, Angela?"

"Call me Mrs. Tweek" she said sternly as she passed him his tea, "Well Clyde, if it means all that much to you, you should go find your little friends and reconcile."

"I dunno... they're probably still mad at me for abandoning them." he sighed and sipped his tea, "It's probably my fault I guess... I abandoned my friends in a time of need. What kind of a monster am I?"

"Clyde, if you go back and apologize, and if your friends really care about you, everything will work out." she explained, "If you try to help your friends, then they'll accept you back... it's if you let them go on without you, that you lose them. Friendship is about more than hanging out and liking one another... it's about trust. It's about being there for each other when you're in trouble. Do you understand?"

"Yeah... you know what? Yeah! Yeah, I do!" Clyde sipped his tea, and left the money for it, "Seeya Mrs. Tweek, I'm gonna go save my bros!" And with that, he left out the door.

xXx

Terrance Sheldon Mephesto sat across from Red Tucker on a blanket at Stark's Pond. The two were having a small picnic, both holding Diet Cokes and with sandwhiches, made by his mother, on their plates. He sighed - this was boring. Red was no longer fascinating to him. No, she was a distraction from the purity of science, of biology, and physics, and astronomy, and anatomy, and physiology, and chemistry. He didn't care what she was droning on about. What was once something of an interesting scientific subject was now worthless to him. "And then Kevin said-"

"A squadron of insectoids are attempting to pilfer our meals." Terrance said robotically - and true he was, as a group of ants began to cross over into Red's plate. She quickly picked up her sandwhich and shook it off - thankfully, no ants had reached it yet. "Should've noticed it."

"How could I have? I was talking to you!" Red said, annoyed with him now, "Why didn't you tell me? Were you too busy thinking about that Lizzy girl again? I knew you weren't listening to me!"

"What subject my brilliant mind is thinking about is none of your concern and you shall cease assuming you know what I am focused on!" Terrance told her angrily. Lizzy was an excellent girl, but really, he was more annoyed with Red than he was enamoured with Lizzy. At this point, he was beginning to feel like a breakup was in order. Red picked up her Diet Coke, still holding on to her sanwhich,

"Fine! Maybe I should just go home then!" she turned to walk away. Terrance sighed - he should probably stop her. Not only was she his girlfriend, and therefore it his duty to comfort her, but she had been his friend before. But too late, she was too far. He repacked the picnic basket and began walking home to South Park Genetic Engineering.

Red, meanwhile, stopped and took out her cell phone, dialling the first number on her list, "Kevin? Hi, it's Red... I need to talk to you about Terrance. I think things are going to end between us. Soon. Yeah..."

xXx

"You kids want to use our boat to do what?" Jimbo Kern said in shock. He'd heard some weird stuff over the years, been invoed in some weird plots, but this had to be one of the weirdest, "Look kids, you really think me and Ned are going to let four ten-year-olds we barely know use our boat to kill a shark that may or may not exist by blowing it up?" he said in disbelief, "Look, we really support what you're doing, but boats are expensive and this thing'll probably be destroyed in a struggle with a shark."

"It's a Tardicaca shark, they're not that big, it'll be fine." Craig justified, dressed in a white buttoned shirt with yellow epaulettes, next to him standing Jimmy in a bathing suit and water wings, and Tweek in a SCUBA mask with gloves and boots, but black if normal clothes otherwise, "The worst it can do is ram the boat a little, and we have a plan to kill it anyway, all we need is some explosives."

"Mmm, we've got plenty." Ned said, "Just look in the back." Jimbo gave him a glare, but Ned shrugged, "I'm just answering the question. Don't give me that look."

"Please sir, we promise we'll bring it back in a day with minimal damage and..." Token sighed, stepping forward, with a bandolier on, a shovel, and tupperwear mask, "I'll pay for the damages myself." he offered generously. His family was rich after all, might as well put that skill to use.

"Really? Well, okay, I guess in that condition..." Jimbo tossed Craig the keys, "But have her back in exactly twenty-four hours, or come tell me what the hell happened, or I'll have my niece beat the hell out of all four of you, do you hear me?" he threatened.

"Yes, sir!" Craig nodded, pocketing the keys, "You go about your business... everybody, go find somewhere inside the boat and change into your special suits. We're going shark-hunting!"

"Says who?" Jimmy asked, raising an eyebrow at Craig's sudden authoritarian attitudes. Craig pulled off his aviator cap, pulled out a white and yellow cap and placed it on his head,

"Says Captain Craig Michael Tucker!"

xXx

The door to South Park Genetic Engineering Ranch opened by itself, and Dr. Alfonz Mephesto and his assistant Kevin broke from their current project - splicing the DNA of a five-assed Platypus with a seven-assed Lowland Gorilla. It was a very unstable project, but so far everything was going well. Mephesto greeted his son at the door, "Ah, hello Terrance. How was your little date with Rebecca?"

"Terrible. I believe I must break off further interactions with her, dad." he admitted, "I'm off to my laboratory to commit myself to a tedious long-term experiment in hopes of wiping my memory of this horrid experience." as he began to walk, the door opened up again, "Science dammit, did I forget to lock the door?"

"Terrance. There you are." Kevin Stoley entered, eyes narrow, "We need to talk about Red." he glared. Terrance raised an eyebrow, ready to laugh, "It's not funny. Look here, you're devastating her. She really cares about you, Terrance, so godammit, you are going to learn to embrace Red Tucker for who she is! And more importantly..." Stoley pulled out of his pocket a vial, "You're going to clone Helen Tucker."

"You gotta be fucking kidding me!" Terrance's usual sophisticated language dissolved, "Are you trying to threaten me? Seriously? You? Kevin, we're - you think we're friends. We know all about each other and I know you wouldn't harm a fucking fly." And with that, Stoley's other hand pulled out a lightsaber. The real one. "...uhhh, what else is it you want, Kevin?"

"That's it. Clone her mother and stop treating her like shit. Do you understand?" he sneered at Terrance. Terrance sighed and looked down,

"Fine, I'll continue fraternizing with that intolerabele wench for now, but I'm unsure if I can safely enter an agreement to resurrect her deceased loved one." Terrance explained, "My father has refused to pass the secrets of resurrection and life on to me as of yet, so that would be, how you say, his department."

Mephesto sighed, his assistant looking up at him, "I'm not cloning anybody. I may toy with God's creations, but I have learned not to toy with life and death. I cannot play God in that manner..." he shook his fist, "There's a difference between changing what is here and what is to come... than recreating that which is long-gone... do you understand me?"

"Where should we be if no one tried to find out what lies beyond?" Kevin Stoley asked eloquently, "Have your never wanted to look beyond the clouds and the stars, or to know what causes the trees to bud?"

Mephesto said angrily, "You can't talk me into it. I am done with cloning for good - only if the very fate of the world rested upon it would I ever use that wretched machine again. The clones are imperfect anyway... the Mr. Marsh that escaped caused nothing but panic and destruction." He then turned and returned to his table with his assistant, "Terrance, go with him and reunite with Rebecca, then come home. Do not authorize any cloning, son!"

"All right, all right, we shall visit her residency and discuss the matter with her!" Terrance sneered finally as Kevin took him by the wrist and escorted him out, turning off and replacing his lightsaber.

xXx

Kenny McCormick decided to go for a swim. It was a split-second decision - he was alone, after all. His friends had left for another adventure without him. He needed to stop being so concerned about those assholes. He removed his coat and quickly put on a SCUBA mask, once again feeling the obsessive need to hide his face - he'd worn his swim suit under the parka. He jumped in the water and looked around. It was hella cold at Stark's Pond, he'd admit. Maybe that's why it wasn't exactly an open beach.

Jimmy Valmer, completely unaware of his presence, stood aboard the USS Blonde Bombshell, his back to Kenny, "W-w-well it looks like the coast is c-c-c-clear." he put the shark whistle to his lips and blew hard. Kenny turned around in the water, raising an eyebrow. That's when he noticed a fin coming towards him and began to try to paddle back, screaming. Jimmy turned around and raised an eyebrow, "Oh my G-g-g-gah, g-g-gah, g-g-gah-gah- oh my God, it's gonna kill K-Kenny!"
Craig, Tweek and Token walked out on deck from the cabin, a glass of s'mores-flavored schnapps in Craig's hand. "Crazy bastard!" he laughed, slightly drunk, "Oh man, you guys, look at the big, dumb shark. I bet Kenny's going to try to eat it or something. That kid's fucking funny."

"Craig, you're dr... you're dr... oh whatever, you're intoxicated." Token laughed. The kids didn't even hear Kenny's last scream as the shark pulled him under the water, mauling him till the water turned red before his bloody corpse floated back up. "Oh my God, it killed Kenny!"

"Ack! You Bastard!" Tweek shook his fist at the shark. And then the boat shook and everyone fell back, "Sorry, shark! I won't ever insult you again!" he said with fear. The creature seemed to be ramming the boat - out of anger, curiosity or what, only God knew.

"Tweek, I doubt calling the shark a bastard pissed it o- Wooaaah!" it shook again as the shark seemed to ram it. Token ran and grabbed on to the knob to the Captain's door, "Shit, this is a tough shark all right... what the hell are we gonna do you guys?"

"Gee, how about we try our guns? Duh." Craig pulled out one of Jimbo's trusty hunting rifles and looked over the water, aiming at the shark and pulling the trigger. It took the bullet, "Oh. That didn't work." he said simply. The shark rammed the boat harder, "Okay, now it's mad." It rammed at the boat again as Token opened the door to the main cabin, Craig and Tweek running in too, as the shark prepared another hit. "Come on, Jimmy!"

"But fellas, shouldn't we f-f-face our fears, instead of running? Doesn't that make us p-p-pussies?" he asked. And the boat rocked again, so much so that Jimmy lost his, ahem, footing, and fell back on the deck, one of his crutches flying off and landing in the open lake. "Oh no, I'm really f-f-fucked now..." he said as he tried to get up and failed, unable to move without the other crutch.

"AUGH! We have to face it, it's all lost, that shark is way too strong for us!" Tweek twitched, hugging on to a barrel. The boat rocked, tossing them about within the cabin, "Oh no, you guys! Look out the window! It's starting to destroy the boat!" The boat was now lopsided, with the shark over the edge of the deck and reaching it's jaws towards Jimmy.

"No, we can't lose Jimmy!" Token gasped in disbelief. Jimmy was a good, resourceful friend who was kind to all, and was popular at school. He was irreplaceable, really! Token reached forward but Craig held him back - their friend could not be saved. Jimmy tried to crawl towards them with his remaining arm and crutch but to no avail; he was trapped, "Jimmy!"

"It is... too late for him." Craig kept an arm on Token's shoulder, holding him back, as the three friends watched the shark finally sink it's sharp teeth into Jimmy's legs. The ten-year-old let out a pained scream, but the shark quickly let go, and sank back into the water, although a fair chunk of the deck was still missing. Jimmy pulled himself back towards his friends, "...Jimmy, your legs don't look any different at all."

"Shut up, C-C-Craig, okay?" Jimmy glared - if he had one rage button, it was his appearance. Sure, he'd gotten past the actual handicapability, but when people pointed out the other effects of his disorder, it made him quite angry most of the time. "Look, it's going to be back in a few minutes, we need a p-p-plan. Now, who who has the explosives?"

xXx

Kevin Stoley and Terrance Mephesto approached the door to the (second) Tucker household. Kevin's arms were crossed and he looked determined. Terrance was currently running alternative methods to curing cancer in addition to the three he'd developed earlier that day - he didn't look too interested. Finally the door opened, and red-haired redneck Skeeter faced them, "What the hell are you little fourth graders doin' here? I don't take kindly to yer types at my house!"

"Now, Skeeter, we ain't hurtin' nobody." Kevin told his best friend's father, getting rather annoyed with this frequent routine. He allowed Terrance to step in front of him.

"We are present to discuss a matter of serious importance with Rebecca." Terrance explained simply, "Is she available for questioning?"

"Lemme ask you somethin', fourth graders," he said with distaste, narrowing his eyes, "If yer all a buncha fourth graders, how come ya'll get to do whatever the flyin' hell ya want and yer parents don't object or nothin'?"

"Now, Skeeter, we don't want no trouble." Kevin interfered, but before Skeeter could reply, Red appeared at his feet, raising an eyebrow.

"Kevin? Terrance?" she raised an eyebrow, "What are you guys doing here?" Neither said anything; she sighed and looked up at Skeeter, "Daddy, can you leave me and my friends alone for a few minutes?" Skeeter glared, then sighed, gave up and left, "What do you guys want?"

"Red, I apologize for my recent actions and if I have damaged your emotional stability in any kind of manner, I would prefer that you knew I felt great remorse."

"See, Red, Terrance wants to get back together with you!" Kevin smiled at her. Red looked at him, raised an eyebrow, then looked down - there was something peculiar about this. But then she looked up, sighing a bit, "You okay?" Kevin asked.

"Look, guys, I appreciate this, I really do but... Terrance, it's just, I've moved on now. There's... a new boy I'm interested in and I'm afraid things just don't work between us. You have... your interests... and I have mine. And while sure, people like you are a lot more fun to screw, but in a real relationship you need someone you... have a lot in common with..."

"...oh phew, that's a load off my mind." Terrance shrugged, "I feel it is equally imperative that we severe romantic ties, although I would not find it unsuitable for us to continue fraternizing platonically." he explained. Red rolled her eyes - ah, Kevin had put him up to it after all.

"Thanks, you guys can go you know, I really don't mind." she said. Terrance nodded, and left, waving casually as he went towards his house. Kevin looked at her confused,

"I thought you said you wanted to get back together with Terrance?"

"I did but..." Red looked down, "I did some thinking and realized, you know, I wasn't happy, he wasn't happy and... if nobody's happy, what's the point? Besides, you know what they say... sometimes the person you've been looking for could've been there the whole time" she smiled.

"Yeah, you're right..." Kevin nodded, "So... you want to go home and play video games or something? I just bought Star Wars: The Old Republic!" he smiled at her.

"Dude, do I ever!" Red cheered, hugging him, "I'll go talk to my dad about it, then we can walk over to your place, gives us some time to talk!" she dashed into the house, leaving Kevin alone.

"...well, all's well that ends well, I guess!" he grinned.

xXx

The boat shook again, rocking the kids. Craig, Token, Jimmy and Tweek held onto the railing on the starboard side of the deck as the shark proceeded to pull down the small boat and hoist itself half over the portside railing in the hole of the deck it had created before. "Hold on, guys, we can make this!" Craig said with uncharacteristic care as they clung on.

"Ngh, it's gonna kill us! I can't keep my grip! Tell my parents I love them!" Tweek said, beginning to slip. Craig offered his hand, but Tweek merely twitched, looking at him he like was crazy, "Ack!"

"Tweek, come on you asshole, take my hand, we can save you!" he offered, emotion slipping through the monotone of his voice. Tweek looked at Craig's hand but shook his head,

"N-no, Craig, I can't, it'll look gay, and being gay is way too much pressure and- aaah!" Tweek fell from his friends and fell down on to the deck, over the railing and toward the water, when he hit the shark on the nose, falling in and landing in the lake as the shark pulled back, letting the boat go again as it's senses were briefly dulled. Unnoticed, Tweek surfaced feet away, "I'm alive! You guys, I'm alive!"

"Oh my God, they killed Tweek!" Craig said in disbelief. "You ba-" the shark, regaining it's sense, rocked the boat further. Tweek stuck near the boat, climbing up a side, unnoticed by the shark so far,

"You guys, I'm all right-"

"GO AWAY, TWEEK, YOU'RE DEAD NOW!" Craig yelled with annoyance, holding on to the railing as the boat shook again. This scene of carnage was interrupted however, as a figure appeared at the dock. The boys were frankly shocked, to see Clyde Donovan appear.

"Bros, I am so sorry." Clyde called out, "I've been a total asstard lately and I want to apologize. You guys are my bros, you know? And bros stick together, even when shit is getting real. Whether it's pitting the forces of good against evil, or just deciding who gets the last taco... we're bros and sure, Craig may be the leader, but Craig's my bro and I shouldn't be an asstard to him... oh my God, is that a fucking shark?" The shark moved towards the docks, too distracted by this touching speech to go after Craig, Token and Jimmy.

"Hey, asshole!" Token yelled after a moment. Clyde raised an eyebrow but Token shook his head. The shark turned around, mouth open, and Token took the oppurtunity to toss the explosives into it's mouth - "Smile, you son of a-" The boys covered their ears and...

Nothing.

"Jesus Ch-ch-ch-Christ!" Jimmy said, quickly moving towards the cabin to escape, Token following. The shark, meanwhile, had other plans as it again tried to breach itself on to the deck. Jimmy got in the door, as did Token. "Craig!"

"Aw ffffuuuu-" Craig had just reached the handle of the door when the shark again breached itself over the part of the boat it had decimated earlier, opening it's mouth and rocking the boat. Token reached for Craig's hand, but too late, he began falling and slipping back toward the shark's mouth, climbing up to no avail as the boat still laid uneven on the waters, "Guys, tell my family..." Craig flipped them off promptly.

BANG. BANG.

There was an explosion, which took out most of the remainder of the ship and the force of the explosion blew it towards shore, and Craig straight into the cabin door - so powerfully so there was a dent, and a bump on his head to match. Craig rubbed his head and yawned as he looked around him. The shark was dead and destroyed, blood in the water - it was dead. Finally dead. And yet, there was no weapon on the boat. He looked to Clyde, who just looked down, biting his lip. Nope. And then he looked to the shore and saw a blaster, er, pistol, in the arms of Kevin Stoley, standing next to Red Tucker. "...the fuck? Star Wars kid?"

"Sorry about the mess!" Kevin winked, laughed and tossed the weapon into the bushes, then looked at them, "You guys okay?" he asked as the boat began to near the shoreline. Clyde ran off the dock and towards Kevin and Red as well.

"Yeah, we're fine." reported Token, "But the boat is destroyed... thank God I didn't ask my parents to borrow one of their's." he shook his head.

"Yeah, they might've only given you $90 for an allowance this w-week." Jimmy said, laughing at his own joke. Token glared, but it fell on deaf ears, er, eyes. The boat finally reached the shore, Craig hopping off, and helping Jimmy over, before Token joined them. Tweek got out of the water, stretching.

"Nngh, well, we killed the shark, and we're all okay now!" he said with a gleeful twitch, "Everything's back to normal!" Tweek said. Red shot him an angry look but he didn't seem to notice.

"Yeah, and you know what? I learned something today. I-" Clyde began when there a handcuff was clipped around his wrist, "The hell?"

"You kids are under arrest for killing a Tardicaca Shark." Officer Barbrady informed with a sneer, "They're an endangered species like the Black Rhinoceros, the River Dolphin, the Giant Panda, the Jackovasaurs, the Mexican Staring Frog of Sri Lanka, and intelligent fathers on television." Additional police officers appeared and cuffed each of the kids, including Kevin and Red.

"B-but we're supposed to do our big end-of-the-fic speeches now." Red protested, but the cops said nothing as they herded them into the police cars.

"Tell that to the judge downtown." said one of the officers as they pushed the kids into the first of two police cars, Barbrady taking the wheel.

"Come on, who really gives a crap? Sharks are just a bunch of assholes." Craig said as he was cuffed, his friends nodding in agreement.

"Godammit, my boat! They destroyed her, Ned! It's worthless! Do you know how much that thing was worth? I never even took out an insurance policy! It'll cost a fortune to rebuild!" Jimbo said in disbelief, having stepped out of the other car. Craig peered out the window to see him when he ran towards the car, leaving Ned behind and taking out one of his weapons and hitting the window.

"Mr. Kern, we need to get these kids into custody." Barbrady insisted as two officers escorted Jimbo and Ned back to their car. "Now, you kids, need to understand something, it's not okay to persecute animals for their species, okay?"

"What do you mean? That shark killed like, three people!" Clyde said, trying to work off his handcuffs, but Barbrady shook his head.

"NNGH, yeah, we had to kill it! It was like Jaws!" Tweek twitched, "You can't trust sharks!"

Barbrady explained as he drove, "You kids need to understand animals are just like us in a lot of ways. And sometimes, sometimes, animals go crazy and go on killing sprees. But you know what? So do people! That was just the Jeffery Dahmer, or Ted Bundy, or John Wayne Gacy, or whatever, or the shark world, okay? So don't go giving out your own form of justice. I mean, come on, you're not exactly Coon and Friends." Clyde and Token snickered. "Do you kids understand?"

"Did Stan Marsh write that speech for you?" Kevin asked.

"You guys, I'm really sorry." Clyde apologized, returning to the true theme and away from the misguided conservation effort, "I shouldn't have abandoned you. We're buds and we need to stick together, through thick and thin. 'cause sometimes being friends isn't about agreeing on the same stuff, or hating the same stuff, it's about just, you know, being there for each other. And all that gay stuff."

"Clyde, stop apologizing you pussy." Craig crossed his arms.

xXx

"Dude, that was the best adventure we've ever been on!" Kyle cheered as he, Cartman and Stan were walking down the sidewalk towards Stark's Pond, "I can't believe Ike knows the Prime Minister of Canada! I mean, who saw that coming? It was the best plot twist ever!"

"Screw that, dude, did you see how Cartman and my dad took out Kim Jong-il?" Stan noted, "I mean, it was like nothing! They made like, the perfect tagteam! And then when-"

"Now, now, you guys, don't go rehashing the whole story, I mean, come on, we all know what happened, right?" Cartman told them, "Hey, how about we go for a swim at Stark's Pond? It's pretty warm out today." Cartman said.

"Wow, fatass, a good idea for once, someone should mark the calendar!" Kyle laughed.

"I think I still have my bathing suit in my backpack from when we fought off the French Secret Service." Stan said, "You guys?"

"Yep, let's go!" Kyle nodded as the three boys skipped towards the water eagerly, not noticing the lake's waves being penetrated for just a second by a fin...

The End

A/N: The following is the original unedited listing I kept of trivia and references during production, which oddly excluded chapter 4. I'll redo this part later as well:

South Park References:
* The teenage girls in the beginning are the same unamed ones in "Clubhouses" in Season 2
* Craig loves Red Racer as seen in "Tweek vs. Craig" from Season 3
* Clyde likes tacoes in "Cherokee Hair Tampons" (Season 4) plays World of Warcraft and reads Playboy in "Make Love, Not Warcraft" (Season 10) and finally, had lice in "Lice Capades" (Season 11)
* Clyde and Bebe are dating in "Clubhouses" and "The List" from Seasons 2 and 11 respectively.
* Jimmy is no longer a virgin as of "Erection Day" in Season 9.
* Yes, just three fics ago several characters were on a boat. Tweek can break the fourth wall!
* Nathan was raped by a Lake Tardicaca Shark in "Crippled Summer" from Season 14.
* Darryl Weathers is the 'They tooker jerb' guy from Season 8's "Goobacks", Season 13's "Margaritaville" and "W. T. F.".

* Clyde cries in several episodes, including "It's Christmas in Canada", and "Fatbeard"
* Bebe wanted to be a marine biologist in "Bebe's Boobs' Destroy Society"
* As of "Royal Pudding", Mr. Mackey's father has been taken by Tooth Decay.
* Clyde's loved tacoes since "Cherokee Hair Tampons"
* In "Quest for Ratings" we learn that Clyde may only have on testicle.
* Clyde does have some kind of bag as of "Mystery of the Urinal Deuce", but my memory is foggy.
* According to "Cartman's Silly Hate Crime 2000", Clyde is fat.
* In "Something Wall-Mart This Way Comes", a Wall-Mart was built over Stark's Pond.

* The old mechanic, Judd Crandall, was in "Butters' Very Own Episode", "Asspen" and "Marjorine"
* Graphic rape and shark whistle stuff is all from "Crippled Summer"
* Token's TupperWare mask is the same one he uses as TupperWear in "Coon 2: Hindsight", "Mysterion Rises" and "Coon vs. Coon and Friends"
* Science as God is of course from "Go God Go"/"Go God Go, Part II".
* Mephesto learned cloning techniques in "An Elephant Makes Love to a Pig" but this ability was mentioned again in "201"

Cultural References:
* "Help! Police!" is a catchphrase from Futurama
* The opening scene contains references to Freddy vs. Jason and of course Jaws.
* Tony Stark is the main character of the films Ironman and Ironman 2
* Tweek is of course referring to the classic film Jaws
* Quint is the name of a character in novel and film Jaws

* More references to the 1975 classic "Jaws" - they'll keep comin', folks.
* "Varan" is a 1958 Toho Studios film about a giant spiked monster attacking Japan, and yes, that's how they defeat it.
* Master Baker is, well, a pun on Masturbator.
* Tyler Perry's movies and shows are mostly about African-Americans, something South Park itself has satirized in the past.
* George Lopez's "The George Lopez Show" dealt with a Latino family.
* "Brokeback Mountain" is about two cowboys. Who happen to be homosexual.
* "Batman: Arkham City" is a video game. Not much else to say.

* Judd Crandall is a character from the film Pet Semetary.
* Clyde's tea is the same flavor preferred by Cpt. Jean-Luc Picard in Star Trek: The Next Generation
* Terrance's middle name is Sheldon, ala Sheldon Cooper from "The Big Bang Theory"
* A few of Kevin's lines when speaking with Mephesto are taken from the 1931 film adaption of Mary Shelley's "Frankenstein"

"Fun Factoid - Craig's father Thomas died in the original version of this fic, and was going to die again here during the third chapter. He was reprieved as I dealt with the death of Red's mother and decided we didn't need a high body count in here."

Commentary: TBA