All mistakes are mine, and I'm sure there are plenty. Sorry! I own nothing, just having fun with the characters created by E.L. James
Ana – Present Day
I lean back against the seat once again and rub my hands across my face. Ian wants to set a date for our wedding. Tonight. He wants to set a wedding date on the anniversary of the day my marriage ended. I sigh in quiet contemplation as the car finally begins to move. How can I possibly deny him? It's simple, I can't. Of course, Ian doesn't know the significance of today's date. Why would he? In the grand scheme of things, it isn't really important when my marriage ended or even how it ended. The fact is that it's over and it has been for years. Yes, there will always be a part of my heart that belongs to Christian. He is, after all, my first love and the father of my children. There is no denying that and I'm done trying to forget it.
Christian and I share a very complicated past and he will always be an important part of my life, but Ian is my future. He's the man I've agreed to marry, the man who brought me back to life, the man that I love. And he loves me, and he loves Teddy. It's funny, I so often think about all the ways that I've grown and changed over the last three years, but Ian has changed and grown too. When I first met him, a little over two years ago, he was the epitome of a European playboy. Devastatingly handsome, successful, wealthy, and a different girl on his arm every weekend. He told Juliette and me that he was ready to change and grow up, but we laughed it off. We often joke that he couldn't resist the challenge of proving us wrong. True to his word, he spent more time growing his company and less time playing the field. He still dated, but he actually dated, not just bedded the women.
During the week, he spent most of his nights at Juliette's house, as the rest of their family is in Sweden. Juliette is an amazing friend and a brilliant designer, but she can't cook to save her life. Thank God for the Keurig, or I don't know if she'd be able to manage making herself a cup of coffee in the morning. As Juliette and I became closer, she'd drop by in the evenings and often stay for dinner and a much needed glass of wine. Soon, Ian started joining us and sometimes we would go Juliette's house and he would cook - even trying to teach Juliette. Eventually, he gave up on that one. I can't help but laugh as I remember his frustration and the subsequent sibling arguments that would erupt as a result.
Of course Teddy was usually a part of these dinners as well, unless he was in Seattle with Christian. We decided when I started school, that until Teddy was in kindergarten, we wouldn't go more than two weeks without him seeing his father. Either he would come here or Teddy and I would fly to Seattle. That worked out great until about a year ago, well really until that horrible day when Christian surprised me at home on a rainy Thursday afternoon. That was the day after I found how well he was doing. Better than ever were the exact words Kate used when she told me about Christian and how much he had changed. He had told his family everything. And I mean everything. He was finally on solid footing. He was better than ever emotionally. He was better without me.
That was the day I knew I had to move on as well. The following day I worked from home and Ian joined me for lunch while Teddy was at preschool. That was the first time we were intimate. It was also the day Christian walked in on us. Together. Naked. In bed. Things haven't been the same since and they've only gotten worse since Ian and I became engaged. Well, that has to end. How are we supposed to co-parent if we aren't talking? If I have to, I'll get on a plane to Seattle and force him to talk to me. I can't worry about that now. I'm from inally home and it's time to have dinner with my son and my fiancé. And then it's time to set a date.
Three years and three months ago
It's been three months since I discovered Christian and his submissive whore in that basement dungeon. Three months of hell. We've tried therapy, at first with Flynn and then he referred us to another therapist, as he felt he was too close to both of us to remain objective. Dr. Owens has tried to help us, through both individual and couples sessions, but I just don't think I have it in me to continue. I don't think our problems can be fixed. I don't think our marriage can be fixed.
As Sawyer drives me home, I begin to relax a bit and look forward to a quiet dinner with my son, followed a long, hot bubble bath. That hope is destroyed when I see Christian's R8 in the garage. What in the hell is he doing here?
"Luke, what is Christian doing here?"
"I'm not sure, Ana. I know that Taylor is still at Grey House doing payroll. It was my understanding that Ryan was covering Mr. Grey tonight. No one informed me that he would be here." Of course they didn't.
I've begged him to give me space and yet he's there at every turn. He's constantly sending flowers and gifts, showing up here and at Grey Publishing. When he's away on business, he sends emails and even letters, begging for forgiveness and professing his undying love. What he doesn't seem to understand is that all of that means nothing to me. It's too little too late. He destroyed our marriage the moment he entered into a contract with Veronica Evans and began constructing his dungeon of horrors on Fourth Street. He certainly wasn't thinking about me, about our sons, his undying love - or his marriage vows when he did that. He was thinking about himself and his own selfish needs.
"Would you like me to call Taylor?"
"No thank you, Luke. This isn't Taylor's problem. I'll deal with Christian." He gives me a soft smile and a sympathetic nod, as he goes to open my door. I take a deep, cleansing breath and steel myself as if I'm preparing for battle, then again, maybe I am.
As I walk through the kitchen, I can hear Teddy squealing in laughter and it warms my heart. Teddy adores his father Andy having his attention, makes his little world a happy place. From the time that we lost Aidan and until the night I discovered him in that dungeon, Christian closed himself off to both of us and made choices that set us on a disastrous course. In the months since, he has worked hard to be a better father and save our marriage. No matter what happens with our marriage, I want him to continue to enjoy a close relationship with Teddy. It nearly destroyed me when my mother took me away from Ray when she married husband number three and I would never do that to my son. He deserves to have us both in his life and I will do whatever I have to do to make that happen. I smile as I watch Christian tickle Teddy and blow raspberries on his belly. No matter what happens to our marriage, we will always share our son and he has to come first. My warm and fuzzy feelings leave me, as I am spotted and Christian moves to greet me with a kiss. I manage to dodge the kiss and drop down to the floor, grabbing my son in a protective hug that also shields me from his father. I pepper Teddy's face with kisses, and his infectious giggle, makes me smile.
"Mama, you home!"
"Yes baby, I'm home."
"Daddy home too. Daddy play wif me." Daddy might play with you, but daddy is most definitely not home, baby boy.
"Yes sweet boy, I see that daddy is here playing with you. Why don't we go wash your hands and see what Ms. Gail has for dinner?"
"Ms. Gaya cook spetti." Teddy has never been able to say Gail. So Gail has become Ms. Gaya to us as well, though I do still try to tech him to say Gail.
"Ms. Gaya made spaghetti? That sounds yummy. Let's get our hands washed so we can eat, okay?"
"K, mama, daddy, let's go. Time to eat spetti." Well great, it looks like Christian will be joining us for dinner. He stares at me questioningly, but I can tell he wants to stay. I give him a silent nod and we all head off to wash our hands.
Dinner was only slightly awkward, with Teddy providing some much needed comic relief as he got more spaghetti on himself than in his mouth, while vehemently refusing our help because he's a big boy. We even gave him his bath together and took turns reading his bedtime stories. It felt almost normal. Almost. Any hopes of continuing peace were destroyed when I noticed the very large Louis Vuitton suitcase sitting in my bedroom. As soon as I turned to find my estranged husband, I'm encompassed in his arms and he is kissing me. What the fuck?
It doesn't take me long to pull away. Christian looks shocked and hurt, but I'm sure I look murderous.
"What in the hell are you doing, Christian?" He moves closer and I jump back, much like a game of cat and mouse. It might be funny, if it weren't for the circumstances.
"Ana, please. I need you, baby. I need you so much. Please don't continue shutting me out." Tell me he did not just say that. Is this some kind of a joke?
"Are you fucking kidding me right now? I'm shutting you out? I'm shutting YOU out? This has to be some kind of a joke..." The damn bursts and I can't hold back my tears. He tries to come closer to me and I instinctively back away before continuing. "This has to be a joke because I seem to remember begging you, begging you every damn day to talk to me, to talk to Flynn, to your parents, to anyone. And you shut us all out. I tried to seduce you. I tried everything to get you to open after we lost.." I have to cover my mouth as I still can't say his name outloud. "After we lost Aidan, I did everything to try to save us, to try to save our marriage." He tries to talk, but I hold my hand up and shake my head to stop him. It's my turn now. "And what were you doing during that time?" He bows his head and at least has the decency to look contrite. "That's right, you were contracting a whore and or doing sex toys on the Internet for your custom built punishment dungeon!" I wipe my face, which is now thoroughly soaked with tears and collapse on the chaise by the window overlooking the Sound. As I look toward the water, I realize this has to stop. It has to end. I pull myself to my feet and turn to face my husband.
"Christian, I can't do this anymore. I can't breathe. I've begged you for space and you won't give it to me."
"Ana, I can't stay away from you. It's killing me not being with you and Teddy. The two of you are the only things that matter to me. You're everything to me. Can't you understand that?" I chuckle bitterly and shake my head. If only that were true.
"Is that so hard to believe, Anastasia? We've been in therapy for months. We've been apart for months. Our son deserves to have both of his parents. I thought you wanted that for him. I thought that was your priority." Unable to stop myself, I take my hand and smack him across the face with all the force I can muster.
"Don't you fucking dare, Christian Grey. Don't you dare try to make this about our son or about what I want for him. You have no fucking right. And yes, as a matter of fact, it is hard to believe that we are the only things that matter to you. That it's killing you not being with us. Where were you when we needed you? Where were you when I was mourning our baby? Where were you when Teddy wanted to know why there wasn't a baby in mommy's tummy anymore? Where were you when I left voicemails begging you to come home to me?"
"Ana…I" His voice is desperate, begging, full of emotion and remorse.
"No, don't. You don't get to do that now. You don't get to explain anymore. There is no excuse for what you did. You know exactly where you were and who you were with. And it certainly wasn't with the two people who supposedly are your everything. It disgusts me that you would stoop so low as to use our son to get your way. That's low Christian, even for you.
I am done. You've pushed me too far. I begged you to give me time and you just couldn't do that. You had to do this your way. Well, I've had enough. I've had enough Christian. I. Am. Done. I'm moving forward with the divorce. We'll have to figure out a way to co-parent, perhaps be friends one day, but our marriage is over." Tears once again fill my eyes and Christian appears to be frozen to his spot. I can't move. Maybe if I stay still this will all be a dream, but I know it's not. I turn around slowly and walk toward the door. I turn and look over my should at my husband, the man I love with all of my heart and say the words that I know with every fiber of my being to be true.
"I will always love you, Christian. I'm so sorry we can't make this work. We could have had it all." I offer him a small smile and open the door. "We did have it all – for a while. Be happy, Christian. I'm so sorry I wasn't enough."
